My Life On Hidden Camera

Karate Kid Review

2011-07-19T22:11:00.001-05:00

This is a first draft, so maybe I work on it and make it better in the future. Maybe I don't.

OK. Many people have been asking for this, and by many people I mean absolutely nobody. Seeing as how I am nothing if not giving I decided to do just that. Give it to you, and give it to you good.

I now present my essay on what is arguably the greatest film of the 1980's and the most misunderstood film of all time.

Now, humbly, the definitive film of my childhood "The Karate Kid".

For the uninitiated I will begin with a quick rundown, or synopsis, of the plot as I see it (and trust me, I have watched the shit out of this movie, my interpretation is correct).

A stupid and far to excitable and optimistic woman from New Jersey packs her idiot son into a shitty car and travels across the country to California to work as a waitress. Upon their arrival her son starts some shit with a group of local martial arts enthusiasts and gets his ass handed to him repeatedly. After discovering that one of the (apparently) many karate schools in the area is frequented by his rivals he is instructed to fight in a ridiculously short amount of time by their apartments handyman and goes on to defeat the more talented rival in a rigged karate tournament. Oh, there's some bullshit about a really hot girl falling for him as well.

Let's start with the obvious. 1) Who moves across the country to become a waitress? I assume that there are a few restaurants in New Jersey that might be looking for someone. Are we meant to believe that the service industry in New Jersey was so saturated with employees that it was necessary for this woman to move to the other side of the country? Something is not right here. 2) What restaurant hires a waitress from another state? I have been to California. There are a lot of people, A LOT of people. You can't swing a dead cat out there without hitting someone looking for a job. This is total fucking insanity.

My theory? Notice that Daniel's father is never mentioned, not once. There is no "things have been hard since dad died" or "it's been hard since the divorce". Not a word. We are left to assume that Mr. La Russo is a horribly abusive criminal that is about to be released from Rahway State Prison in New Jersey and Mrs. La Russo has to get Daniel away, and fast, to keep the impressionable boy from being influenced by his father's violent tendencies.

Ok, so moving on. There is one major misconception about this movie. La Russo is not some innocent victim, bullied by a group of tougher guys. If you pay attention, every time he gets his ass kicked he is ASKING FOR IT. With the exception of when he is riding his bike home one night and they push him down a hill, La Russo is begging for an ass kicking every time he gets one.

It all begins at a beach party. Daniel meets the lovely young Ali (with an I) played by the lovely young Elisabeth Shue (with some adorable baby fat happening). Unbeknownst to Daniel, Ali is the former lady of Johnny Lawrence, the head of the Cobra Kai and reigning All Valley Karate Champion. During the party the Kai show up on their bad ass motorcycles and Johnny tries to talk to Ali. She gets totally unreasonable and won't hear the guy out. Instead of leaving it alone Daniel has to fucking interfere. After getting appropriately slapped down he sucker punches Johnny as he is offering his hand in assistance. In response to his cowardly attack Johnny throws a proper beating on La Russo, leaving him bleeding and alone on the beach.

Then BLAH BLAH BLAH, a bunch of other shit happens (this is a long, very long movie). Quick rundown of the salient points

1) Daniel tries out for the soccer team and after a legal slide tackle he starts a fight and gets thrown off the team

2) Daniel is forced into a strange slave labor/karate training regime

3) He goes out on the most embarrassing "My mom drove me" date in the history of awkward dating.

4) Somehow Karate Tournaments are a really, REALLY big deal in this area. I have never been to one, never heard of one and maybe know one or two people who have been to one, yet somehow the "All Valley" tourney is a sell out crowd type thing, and everyone but Daniel and Miyagi know the rules. Yet another reason we can do without California.

There is one scene that needs special attention. When Daniel goes to the Cobra Kai dojo you see a group of parents watching the most intense, drill instructor shit IMAGINABLE. They witness Vietnam vet, Sensei John Kreese teaching their children the most hateful and violent ideology I have ever heard. "In the streets, in competition, a man confronts you he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy." The parents have NO PROBLEM with this. If you had a child and found out they were learning to fight WITHOUT MERCY how many people would let that go? Imagine the conversations you would have had with your parents "What did you learn in class today?" "Oh, I learned that mercy is for the weak and that my enemies deserve no mercy." "Well, that's nice."

Moving on, Daniel witnesses this and then decides that he cannot learn martial arts until the gardener decides to teach him.

The discovery of Miyagi's amazing abilities is one of the most fucked up scenes in the movie. What the audience remembers is Daniel being beaten damned near to death outside the apartment and Miyagi bailing his ass out. What is not remembered is that La Russo was begging for the ass kicking. Rewind to the Halloween party. Johnny is trying to roll a few joints for him and his friends to get fucked up with (might I add, they were all dressed like bad ass Misfits fans). La Russo decides to, unprovoked, turn a garden hose on him. Now, maybe the Kai over reacted, but in fairness La Russo was familiar with the "no mercy" policy long before this happens, so you really can't feel that sorry for him.

Now we skip forward to the tournament. Miyagi brokered some bullshit deal wherein Daniel won't get beaten while he prepares for the tournament and he milks the shit out of it. Now his free reign is over and it is time for the pain.

Before the tournament he is called out in the locker room by "Dutch" who should be the leader of the Kai's for reasons
1) He has a bad ass bleached blonde perm

2) He is by far the toughest of the Kai

3) He is Chad McQueen, son of Steve McQueen, by far the coolest man in the history of the world

4) He does a really cool, neck loosening jumping routine before setting in to whip the pansy out of La Russo.

Once again someone bails Daniel out and the tournament begins.

The tournament in a nutshell. A bad ass montage set to Joe "Bean" Esposito's classic "You're the Best" in which Daniel somehow ends up moving forward to the semi finals. I wonder how many times Steve spun in the grave when his son had to lose to fucking Ralph Macchio, even in a movie.

So we move on to a really bullshit sequence where Daniel is moved to the finals because of a disqualification due to "intentional harm" being inflicted. The last thing you want is someone to get intentionally hurt in a fighting tournament.

Now we get to my main point of contention. The final of this tournament should have been between Dutch and Darryl Vidal (the bad ass who does the flying kicks), no question. More proof that the tournament was fixed.

Because of the leg injury La Russo almost has to forfeit, but at the last minute Miyagi does this thing with his hands and magically fixes a sprained knee. Ah, the mysteries of the orient. Then in the most protracted fight scene in history, with points being allowed and disallowed Daniel finally wins the tournament. Ironically, Johnny is not awarded the winning point for making "contact with the face" then a moment later La Russo kicks Johnny full on in the center of the face and is awarded the tournament, leading to the famous "You're all right La Russo, you're all right" line.

Let's look at the message of the movie. You can move to a new area, piss off the locals, start a few fights and then get a few weeks of fucked up instruction from an old Japanese drunk and be able to beat a group of guys who have been training to fight for years. Oh, but it's ok because you're poor.

Bullshit.

A few other ideas and points of interest.
1) Chuck Norris was originally going to play Sensei Kreese

2) The lone minority Cobra Kai is played by the same guy that played the gay nerd in revenge of the nerds

Now to analyze the strangest part of the movie. The love story.

How the hell does Ali end up choosing Daniel? Does she say, well, he's poor, his mom is a coke head, he has no friends and he keeps getting his ass kicked, yeah, that's the man for me.

There is so much in this movie that does not make any sense, yet I love it so. Watch this film keeping my points in mind and you will have a cinematic experience you will never forget.

Larry King Interview

2011-01-27T20:11:00.004-06:00

The other day I had the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes and have a quick talk with former talk show host Larry King.

Me: Hi Larry, thanks for taking a few minutes this afternoon to meet with me.
Larry King: My pleasure.

Me: So Larry you decided to call it quits after all these years, can you tell me why?
LK: Ehh, I was having trouble hearing. I am having some blockage that prevents me from hearing as clearly as I used to.
Me: Oh, have you thought about a hearing aid?
LK: It’s not my ears.
Me: It’s not?
LK: No, it’s my shoulders. They have been creeping closer and closer to my head for years. They are like ear muffs.
Me: Ahh, got ya.
LK: Plus I’m having a hard time seeing as well as I used to.
Me: Didn’t you have cataract surgery a few years ago? I saw photos you looking all Captain Jack Sparrow online.
LK: Yes I did.
Me: That didn’t help?
LK: At first it did. But my neck is so weak from all of those years of holding up those coke bottles and my prescription has changed again but I can’t hold up thicker, heavier lenses.
Me: I remember those old glasses. I thought you could see the future with them.
LK: No kidding.
Me: Speaking of your famous frames, who makes them?
LK: I have no idea. I know that the name is on them but when I take them off I can’t see a damn thing.
Me: Ever thought about using another pair of glasses to read the name on those glasses.
LK: I don’t have another pair.
Me: Ever think about getting another pair?
LK: Woah! That’s a great idea. I’m going to get right on that.

Me: So people joke that your trademark suspenders are too tight and that if you loosened them you wouldn’t have that whole shoulder thing going on.
LK: Why would I loosen them? I have worn them the same way since I was 12.
Me: But haven’t you grown since you were 12 years old? I mean I didn’t know you back then but aren’t you taller now then you were when you were 12?
LK: Ohh…

Me: So tell me who was your favorite interview?
LK: I would have to say it was Willie Nelson. After the show he let me check out his tour bus.
Me: Oh the whole biodiesel thing huh.
LK: What? No, we got stoned out of our minds on that bus. He has some killer weed.
Me: …oooookkkaaayyy
LK: I asked if I could go on tour with him but he told me that he already had a doorstop, whatever that means.

Me: I have heard that you are a huge sports fan, who is your favorite team?
LK: *sniff sniff*
Me: Larry, are you ok? Is this question making you emotional?
LK: No, I think I farted. At my age sometimes these things are hard to control.
Me …

Me: So back to the previous question, who is your favorite sports team?
LK: Aww, DAMMIT!
Me: What Larry? That was a softball question.
LK: No, no, no, not that. I sharted myself. I told you that these things were hard to control. Hey, do you know where my lunch is?
Me: No Larry, I have no idea where your lunch is.
LK: I do…
Me: Ok Larry, where is your lunch?
LK: Depends, get it?! I just sharted in my pants.
Me: Oh geez Larry, that was a bit much. Even for me.

Me: Moving right along, what are some of your pre-show routines?
LK: Show? What show?
Me: You were the host of a nationally syndicated call in talk show.
LK: Oh…well that explains the voices. I just thought that I was crazy. I didn’t know that everyone else could hear them too. That’s pretty cool, the whole I’m not crazy part.
Me: I didn’t say that.
LK: Whatever, I’m going with it.

Me: Mr. King, you’ve been married and divorced several times.
LK: Yes, I have.
Me: Who knew that so many women had a crypt keeper fetish?
LK: Yes, who knew? Aha ha
Me: Do you keep in touch with any of them?
LK: No, no, no…
Me: Do you even remember their names?
LK: Well, uhhh…I just call them all plaintiff.

Me: Who is the one person that you never got to interview that you wish you could?
LK: Oh, Jesus Christ!
Me: I had no idea that you were a religious person, Larry.
LK: No, it’s not that. These diapers aren’t nearly as absorbent as they used to be. I got a situation going on here and not that kid from New Jersey.

Me: So tell me, what was it like seeing fire get invented?
LK: Huh?
Me: Never mind.

Me: If you could go back in time and change one thing about your past, what would it be?
LK: Pre-nup, these bitches will rob you blind.

Me: Tell me Larry, what do you like to do when you are not behind the mic?
LK: I love to go shopping. Where’s my checkbook?!
Me: Do you really think that is a good idea?
LK: Oh yeah, that thing.

Me: What goes through your head when you are interviewing someone?
LK: Usually a marionette show.
Me: Which explains a lot.

Me: What’s one thing that you wish you had done in your life?
LK: Porn, eh heh heh.
Me: Uhhhgg
LK: You ok?
Me: Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Me: I’ve noticed that you usually have a mug on your desk during the show, what’s in the mug?
LK: Metamucil
Me: I should have known.

- Don’t get dead

Fountain Moron Viral Video

2011-01-20T19:38:00.003-06:00

I don’t know if you have seen the video or not but some idiot in PA was walking in a mall while texting on her phone and walked right into a fountain. Now when I say she walked into a fountain I don’t mean that she bumped into it I mean that she went head first into a fountain. Mash here for the video. So here is the kicker on this, this woman has hired an attorney and is considering bringing a lawsuit against the mall. She’s all P.O.’d because someone “leaked” the footage from the mall’s security camera and she has been humiliated.

Let’s take a little deeper look at this shall we? Yes, we shall. The “leaked” footage to me appears to be from someone’s cell phone. So it might be a bit tricky to sue the mall, the security guard with the cell phone maybe.

Now how big is a fountain? They are huge. From the looks at the one in the video it’s about 50 feet across. Seriously, she didn’t see it?

For arguments sake, let’s say that she didn’t see it. Ever been near a fountain? They are kind of loud with all of that running water splashing around. You mean to tell me that not only did she not see it but she couldn’t hear it either?

The story says that she was humiliated, she humiliated herself. She should be pissed at herself for not having walking around sense, literally.

Also in the story she says that the assumed security guard was laughing and should have been asking if she was ok. First off, it was funny, I wish that the security guards all ran down, pointed and laughed in her face. Secondly, she popped right up, picked up her stuff, climbed out of the fountain and began walking away. Obviously she was fine. She also said that no one came to her aid. If she got up on her own and began walking away without even breaking a stride, how much aid did she need? It was also mentioned in the story that she claimed that it took security 20 minutes to get there. For all we know the security office could have been on the complete other side of the mall AND she got right out of the fountain and keep walking. Ever think that it might have taken a while to get to her. Of course it would be pretty easy to find her once they made it to the fountain. All they would have to do would be to follow the trail of water.

So she has now hired an attorney and may file a lawsuit. Oh please higher power of your choosing, let her sue. And I hope the judge rules in favor of the mall and bans her from the mall, hell, every mall. And I hope for good measure I hope the judge bans all of her offspring if she has any from every mall too. And I hope that the judge orders her and all of her family to have all of their reproductive body parts removed. AND never let her have a phone again. Not even a home phone. Hell, don’t let her have a cup and string. Just for good measure I hope the judge makes her donate all of their vehicles to a charity. And…give me a minute…oh I know, make her register or a society offender like a sex offender with a sign in her front yard and the whole nine yards.

**On a side note, I also think there should be a one-way gate around every Wal-Mart. Like a roach motel where stooges can get in but can’t get out.

So back to the lady from the fountain of stupid, she claims that she doesn’t walk and text and that this is the one time that she did, but won’t do it again….rrrriiiiggghhhttt.

This woman also claims that she could have walked into a car, a bus, a ditch or anything. So would she sue if she got humiliated while jaywalking?

How about people start taking responsibility for themselves and their own actions? Seems like people want a paycheck for being stupid.

I hope that they run this video on the jumbotron in Time Square and at the Superbowl on an endless loop.

You know how in “The Scarlet Letter” Hester Prynne had to wear a red upper case letter “A” to let everyone know that she was an adulterer? You guessed it, make this woman wear a great big red capital letter “I”. Maybe staple it to her forehead.

- Don’t get dead

Pure Genius

2011-01-14T16:57:00.003-06:00

The other morning I was listening to some morning drive radio when the co-host of the show I was listening to started to talk about a visit to this “healer” called Braco (pronounced Bra-So) the Gazer. This guy supposedly has healing powers. And after a session with Braco people speak of indescribable feelings, almost euphoric.

Now to experience this, the cost is a reasonable eight dollars a person. I know, what a deal!

And get this, he does it by simply looking at you! Yeah, same thing I said.

So for eight bucks a pop this guy will walk into a room full of people, not say shit, look at you for a few minutes and then haul ass with your cash. That’s it! And they said that he sees up to ten THOUSAND people a day. An f’ing DAY!

This pisses me off so bad that I can hardly contain myself. And not because he is robbing people face to face, but because I didn’t think of it first!!

I don’t feel sorry for the suckers who got taken in by this AT ALL. They knew what he was about going into it, I mean my god he calls himself a gazer what did they think it was, a seminar? Which just proves that there is in fact a sucker born every minute.

Plus how sad are they that they get this “indescribable feeling” from simply being acknowledged! You are one sad sack mofo if someone simply realizing that you exist brings you such elation.

I got to find a way to get in on this sca…rack…ummm…talent! Yeah, that’s it, it’s a talent!

And ole Braco doesn’t get dressed up for these ripoff sessions, I mean “gazings” he wears some real spiffy stonewashed jeans and a button down shirt.

The genius part of this is that he doesn’t get sued because he quit talking back in 2009 AND doesn’t call himself a healer either, just a gazer. With no claims of healing, well at least not from him. So for all we know he could be some mental case mute with delayed fashion sense and a short attention span. Dammit, I would be perfect for this job!

So let’s do the math, eight bucks a head times up to ten thousand people a day is eighty thousand freaking dollars a day. And let’s say he works a four day work week, which is three hundred twenty thousand dollars a week. Let’s multiple that times forty-nine weeks a year, because I am sure he takes a few weeks of vacation a year (I mean you would have to after “working” that hard right?) comes out to one million five hundred sixty-eight thousand dollars a year, roughly. FOR FREAKING LOOKING AT PEOPLE!!!!!

Hang on, I am about to have a fit…

…Ok, I’m back.

So spread the word, my breath has been reported to heal and one breath can fill a room. Admission is a deal at only five dollars a person. My boogers and toenail clippings are even more magical and a bargain at ten dollars a piece while supplies last. Size and selection may vary.

-- Don’t get dead

The alarm on my phone didn’t go off

2011-01-04T13:22:00.003-06:00

I have an iPhone that lays on my nightstand pretty much every night. And yesterday morning and this morning the alarm on it didn’t go off. And do you know why? Nope, not because of some glitch that Apple Inc overlooked. It didn’t go off because I didn’t set the alarm on it. You see right next to where I set my phone at night lives a nice little device called a freaking ALARM CLOCK and it works like a champ. Crazy idea I know but it works for me.

You see, the iPhone is an f’ing phone, not an alarm clock. Sure it has an alarm app on it but my car has seats in it but when company comes over I don’t make them sit in my car. My toilet has water in it but I don’t drink out of it. Maybe people should spend less time being cool and a little more time using the mashed potatoes between their ears.

Are people using their shoes as a meat tenderizer? The shoe can be used to pound a tough piece of steak so why not right? Anyone using the radiator in their car to make coffee?

Is there some sort of brainwashing that goes on with smart phones? Get off of your lazy ass and get the right tools for the job.

Having common sense, there’s no app for that

-- Don’t get dead

19, Seriously?!?!

2010-06-30T13:12:00.002-05:00

So I am looking at the news online today and I see that this Jim Bob and Linda Lu, or whatever the hell her name is, Dugger have brought home their 19th kid. Dude, we got it, you like to screw, now knock it off!

You and your wife are assholes for bringing in 19 kids.

I understand that you want to win the annual flag football game at the family reunion but you don’t have to bring your own team, both offense and defense.

And you are really not helping out with the southern stereotype of barefoot and pregnant.

My guess is that they are secretly white supremacists and they are single handedly trying to keep the Caucasian race from ever being in the minority.

Someone please get me their address so that I can send them a Wii or a magazine subscription or something to keep them busy.

But you really are assholes, because you are screwing up these kids from the beginning. That poor little fucker that you just brought home will never have anything brand new, except for maybe a little brother or sister. Don’t you think that’s kind of shitty parenting? Hey, let’s have a bunch of kids and make them feel like they are not as important as the first couple. Let’s dress this one in those stylish double knit reversible polyester plaid slacks. You know its retro so it’s fashionable again. Even though the others had to wear them when they were just old clothes. You know at least three of them are going to end up in a bell tower with a deer rifle. Bang Bang, my daddy didn’t hug me enough (no shit, you know how long it takes to hug that many people, get in line son), bang bang, mom never gave me a coloring book that wasn’t already completely colored in, bang bang, daddy always forgot my name!!!

And when those kids get out of that house they will have no idea how to manage money and will buy every new thing that comes out and end up on welfare for the rest of us to take care of, simply because mom and dad wanted to be famous for doing the wild money dance more than anyone else. And you know sex for them isn’t fun anymore, its work. What do you want to bet that they got one of those punch in time clocks by their bed? Not like they are going to catch mom with some slutty outfit from Adam & Eve on while chasing a ball gagged Jim Bob with a bullwhip, screaming “Bad Senator, bad!” Nope, it’s do it and get it over with so that we can have Sally Struthers come and start an infomercial for us. For only 49 cents a day you can help feed a Dugger child.

And I am sure if they were interviewed they would say that they are happy. But the people in the former communist U.S.S.R. thought that they were happy too, until they found out that they didn’t have to wait in line for hours at a time to get toilet paper.

I bet these kids are all home schooled. Hell, they would have to because there is no way to get that many kids to school at one time. Getting them dressed for school would be next to impossible. Well I guess if they had their own bus, because it would be a bus full of them. So you know they are going to be social retards and won’t know how to act out on their own. And could you imagine 19 fuckers at the grocery store check out? Each of them bitching and moaning because they want candy or a drink and why does this one get to ride on the buggy, he rode on the buggy last time, I want to ride…. Oh dammit someone get me a shotgun!! I’m about to do society a favor.

Oh and could you imagine this bunch of assholes vacationing at the same place you where at the same time you where? Someone get me that Van der Sloot kid, O.J. and Robert Blake’s phone numbers pronto!!

I just think that these people really should knock off the knocking boots and think about other people. No one wants to be around this gaggle/heard/covey…whatever of people, ever, at all, under any circumstances.

Don’t even get me started on these people going trick or treating or Christmas shopping. Do you think that they are trying to have a birthday every day of the year or something?

While I’m on it, Octomom and Kate Gose..Gosl..Gosa…Kate and Eight, you knock that shit off too.

If I was the mom I would be afraid that the next time I got pregnant, and you know there is going to be a next time, that the kid would just fall out walking down the hall or if she sneezed. Damn woman, alone time is a good thing. I bet you can’t take a pee without an audience.

Look all that I am saying is that a woman’s birth canal should not look like a ride at Wet and Wild, that’s all.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Is this normal? It creeps me out.

2010-06-29T23:25:00.001-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

My wife and daughter play with each other's titties. I think it's kinda weird.

- Creeped Out

Dear Creeped Out,

Any chance you got this on video? I mean, COMPLETELY normal, happens all the time on pay per view. How old is your daughter?

Did you double up on your stupid pills this morning? Do you really think there is a chance that it’s “normal”, well apparently it is at your house but most places might frown on it.

So how exactly do they play with each others? Are they hot? You might want to look into a video camera. I’m just saying it could be lucrative.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Kind of appropriate?

2010-06-28T12:39:00.004-05:00

I know that the times are changing. But just because this is a place where you make promises to God does not make it a church.

We’ve all been there, drank well beyond our limit, tried everything that you could to get the room to quit spinning and realized that you hate gravity. It happens all of the time.

And talk about a guilt trip. You are sitting on the floor with your head in the bowl waiting to see if the next thing that comes flying out of your mouth is your spleen and mumbling oh God, please make it stop, I promise to never drink that much again. Just to look up and see “Church”

So what do you call the people who worship there? Holy Bowlers? Porcelain Pentecostals? Toilet Thumbers/Bowl Beaters?

Instead of doing the sign of the cross do you think that they would do the sign of the bowl (a big circle)?

Would you call the bathroom a house of the bowly?

Do swirlies count as a baptism?

Man, I hope that’s not holy water in there.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Clue me in please

2010-06-25T10:33:00.002-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

I have a guy friend that has told me numerous times that he is really into my female friend. He says that she has a really good personality, and beautiful. He said that he would love to date her but here is the weird thing…..he is a total jack ass to her most of the time. I don’t understand him. Can you clue me in???

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

You nailed it. Your friend, the guy, is a jackass pure and simple. He is not very mature and I bet you $100 he has a wicked video game collection. He is what we in the business call a social retard. Meaning he can’t pull his head out of his ass while in public long enough to learn how to behave around people. He probably thinks that he is being funny. Don’t worry as long as he has internet porn he will be fine. And really that’s best for everyone. You really don’t want him to meet a girl, fall in love, have sex with her and reproduce do you? I didn’t think so.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Be Back in 10 Minutes

2010-06-24T12:58:00.002-05:00

We’ve all seen it anywhere that there are small shops that usually only have one person working in there at a time. Be it at a shopping center, mall or flea market any time that clerk needs to go drop a duce, have a smoke or work his mack with some chick the “Be Back In 10 Minutes” sign appears in the store’s window.

Maybe it’s just me, but how would one know when you were due to be back since we weren’t there when you left? And how do we know that you didn’t come back and leave again?

My office is near a mall that some co-workers and I often go to for lunch. There are several shops that have these notes on their doors during lunch. So I decided to have a little fun and add my own notes too. It started with a “Me Too” note. Then I thought we should just make sure that the clerk realizes that we acknowledge their efforts and would post an “OK” sign below their sign.

I also left notes like “I came by to see you and saw your note. Call me when you get back” without signing it. I just wonder what was going through their head when they got back. And who did they call because my phone didn’t ring.

One note that I want to leave but haven’t yet is “I’m so tired of this crap, every time I come by you are not here. Where are you and who are you with? I can’t believe that I trusted you. Get your stuff and get out! We are through!”

But my favorite so far was this long rambling one that I taped several sticky notes (got the tape from one of those kiosk in the mall) together and taped to their door “Where are you? I came by several times and you where not here. I even waited for 11 minutes and no sign of you. This is not normal and I am worried. I called your mom and she has no idea where you are. I hope and pray that you are ok but I am worried sick about you. Oh God, I hope that the Taliban didn’t kidnap you. If they did, don’t fight and do what they say, I know that they cut people’s heads off. I knew this was a bad idea but you wouldn’t listen to me. I saw this movie where these terrorist took over a mall for the sales deposits while the main character was busy playing Guitar Hero, please God I hope that you are not playing Guitar Hero. I am going to alert the media and call the cops to start an investigation.” I wish that we had hung around to see the guy’s reaction.

I don’t know why but I really enjoy screwing with people, must be something in my DNA.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Need Help

2010-06-23T11:04:00.004-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

I need help!!! I need legal advice or a cheap lawyer. Here is my situation. My soon to be ex-wife has filed assault charges against me. In case your wondering, I didnt do it. Here is the story behind it. My soon to be ex-wife is bi-polar. A few months ago she went off of her meds and decided that she was too fat. She went to see her dumb ass doctor and he gave her a perscription for Phentermine (medical grade speed) fo weight loss. Within a couple of weeks of being on the Phentermine she was completely manic. She had decided that I was no longer good enough for her; that I made her feel like a "simpleton". Two months ago she left me for an ex-con, drug adict that she met online two days before. This new guy was in prison for a few years for robbery and assault among other things. Clearly, this is not the king of guy I want around my six year old step son, so, I refused to stay away from the house because he refused to come over while I was there. This new guy told my wife that the only way to get me to leave and stay gone was to get a restraining order. I believe that the best way to get a restraining order fast and free is to file an assault charge and get a protective order. Thats exactly what she did.

Heres what I have: I have text messages from her that say "if you want to play this game, I will play and you wont like the way I play" and "If you come over here you will have another report". She had already filed one police report claiming that I made some threatening phone calls to her. I have a chat session between her and her new boyfriend where she says "I know he didnt make the phone calls, it wasnt his voice". This chatsession is also the first time that he told her to get a restraining order against me because it was the only way to get me to leave. I have a witness to testify that he heard her tell me a few days before she had me locked up for assault that the next time I showed up she would "call the cops, tell them that I hit her and have my ass thrown in jail". I have a ton of character witnesses that will testify that if there was a violent one in the relationship, it was her.

Heres what she has: She has a torn shirt, and a police report. the arresting officer said that she had a red mark somewhere on her but he didnt say where.

I tried to present my case to the District Attourneys office but I was told that I cant discuss the case without a lawyer unless I waive my right to a lawyer. I dont know what to do.

Any advice???

Confused

Dear Confused,

One key thing that you left out is what exactly you need a lawyer for. Is it for the divorce from your soon to be ex-wife or is it for the assault charge? I am guessing for the DV. You should make things like this clear. Anyway, it sounds to me like you are pretty screwed. By the way that you tell your side of the story (derogatory comments about her and her new man, mentioning a step son, listing out what you have and what she has and so on) you seem as if there is something that you are either leaving out or covering up. I don’t doubt the text messages and whatnot but you are the one who went to her place. Here is a little tip that a cop friend of mine told me, anytime there is a DV call, someone is going to jail. That means you stupid.

Here is what I would advise you to do, take the court appointed lawyer because you are going to need all of the help that you can get. Oh and ask the judge if you can bring lube into the jail when they lock you up, you’re probably going to want that.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Help to get a beautiful girl into rehab

2010-06-22T23:25:00.003-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

I am trying to help a beautiful young girl who is addicted to heroin. She has od'd several times and almost died. She wants help. All of the decent rehab facilities charge so much money and her family has no insurance and no resources. I am hoping to touch someone's heart who has been through this themself or with a loved one. She can make it with the right help. If you can help financially or if you know of some type of financial assistance or sponsors for drug rehab, please let me know. Any ideas are appreciated. I am just trying to think outside the box. I've made many phone calls to rehabs and someone suggested this and to call talk shows. I will do it.

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I personally can’t help you out with the cost, but I do have some ideas. From what I understand, heroin is somewhat expensive. So why don’t you get your smackhead friend to take the money she is spending on heroin and pay for the rehab herself? You said she wants help, have her prove it. There is a fine line between help and charity.

And if that doesn’t work, put her horse riding ass out on the streets and make her turn tricks. You said she’s beautiful so she should have plenty of clients. She can raise the rehab money that way. Hell, even ugly hookers get work, I’ve see the show COPS. She will either get in rehab or jumpstart her destiny.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Ol' Ball and Chain!

2010-06-19T12:29:00.003-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

When I go out for a few beers with my friends, my wife almost never calls, but IF she does, she might call once to ask me to pick up something on the way home. But, it seems some of my friends are getting calls or texts from their women every ten to fifteen minutes if not more. It is impossible to focus on a game of darts or pool or just carry a conversation with the constant interruptions - and they don't dare miss the call and call back in a few minutes. I bet they even have to fumble for the phone in the middle of taking a piss. Gawd, who is that insecure? Why bother going out at all if you can't be left alone for a few minutes? On the flip side, when my wife is out with her friends, I don't call, and she might call to let me know they had a change in plans, simply because she wants me to know where she is, but it's no big deal. If we go to a party together we have little contact with each other and go different ways, yet there are those couples who are joined at the hip and hardly talk to anyone, Cheeze, why not just stay home?

WTF?

Dear WTF?,

So many questions in one e-mail, you really need to work on limiting that. But let’s try to address them. First off, some people who love each other actually like talking to each other. I know, crazy right? As for the frequency or as you call it, being insecure, I don’t know why. Maybe you pick bars in shitty parts of town and are too stupid to realize it. Maybe they want to make sure that their boyfriend/husband is still safe and alive, ever think about that? And why do you care what they do while taking a piss, are you jealous?

Secondly, you have to focus that hard on darts and pool? You must suck ass dude. And you can’t carry on a conversation if you get a simple interruption. You are going to have a miserable existence. As an FYI, the whole idea about going out with the fellas for some drinks is for the camaraderie, not to break out your billiards A game.

Now for the more serious issue, your wife doesn’t call you when you go out because she is busy pulling a train with the rest of the guys in the neighborhood. So she’s a little busy at the time. And when she does call and ask you to pick up something, it’s because he isn’t done yet and she don’t want you to come home too early and spoil it. Ever think about that? And when your wife is out with her friends, she wouldn’t answer if you did call. She wouldn’t be able to talk anyway if she did answer. Same thing for going your separate ways at parties, she’s just lining up new meat for the next time you and the boys go out for some brew. Keep making fun of people who actually know what’s going on in each other’s lives.

You sir, are a modern day idiot.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Time for me to save the world

2010-06-18T11:02:00.003-05:00

Unless you have been… well there is no way that everyone isn’t aware of the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and that there is this whole global economic issue where the unemployment rate up. Well I have a fix for both of those, at the same time actually.

There is a company called Buf-Puf that makes these facial sponges for oily skin. And they come with some sort of cleanser. I think you see where I am going with this. You get the government to put in a huge order for these sponges and we use them to clean up the gulf.

What we would do is have Buf-Puf make tons of these sponges but much bigger than normal. Then string them together and put them out in the gulf. So follow me with this. Buf-Puf has to kick up their operations to meet the demand, turning into a 24/7 operation, therefore creating more jobs. We will also need truck drivers to haul the sponges from the factory to the gulf. I also think we will have sting these sponges together so there are jobs locally at the gulf for the people who are out of work due to the oil spill. Then we hire the fishing boat captains to drive the stings of sponges out into the oil slick to soak up oil and scrub the wildlife coated with oil (remember they have cleanser in them too).

So I have cleaned up the oil spill, saved the wildlife, created jobs and jumpstarted the U.S. economy all at the same time. It should be illegal to be this damn smart.

- Don’t get dead

Bake Sale

2010-06-17T16:19:00.002-05:00

Recently I’ve been hearing commercials about this bake sale to eliminate hunger. Now I have never been labeled as one of the greatest thinkers that mankind has even known, but wouldn’t you make more progress by cutting out the middle man? Wouldn’t it be more helpful to just give the hungry people the baked goods?

Maybe the event coordinators could also hold the events below that don’t quite hit the mark.

There could be a sleep-in to fight insomnia.

A tough man contest to fight domestic violence

What about hotdog eating contest to fight bulimia?

I guess that’s better than track and field events for multiple sclerosis

Walk-a-thon for weight loss?

Pool parties for people who can’t swim

Ski lessons for people who are afraid of heights

A monster truck contest to fight drinking and driving?

I’m not the biggest fan of carrot cake but if I was starving, not hungry but haven’t eaten in days or weeks, I would be neck jamming beta-carotene like a crazy person. I wouldn’t even need a glass of milk or anything. And even in a weakened state I think I would be able to kick the ass of everyone in a cakewalk if that’s what it took to get food.

Just seems to me that if people are starving to death and you have food and would like to help them, just give them the damn food. But Nooooo! They waited weeks to organize an event and promote it. In the mean time people starved… to death! I hope that you are happy, you basically were teasing a starving person by telling them that you are going to give them food, and not just food, baked goods. Some dude died while waiting on his chocolate chip cookies! Man that’s messed up.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Am I sick?

2010-06-16T23:14:00.003-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

I am 25 and have a “thing” for older men….I like them 35 or older….but 45 and older really turn me on. And the ones with grey hair are super attractive to me.
I feel like I’m not normal at all. Men my age hit on me, but I just don’t have the attraction for younger guys. Am I sick?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

What the F is wrong with you, 35 year old and older men??? Ewww, that’s just nasty!! Wait a minute, I’m over 35. Hell no you’re not sick, 35 plus guys rule!!! We… umm, they are the male equivalent of a cougar. We… I mean they are like ...pumas! Yeah, I am coining that name now, male cougars are pumas.... you know what I mean.

You got some real jacked up daddy issues between the ears don’t ya?

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

TV Guide

2010-06-15T00:02:00.002-05:00

For those of you who didn’t know me as a child let me give you a little background on me. I grew up in a very small town in Alabama and that’s pretty much all that you need to know about this post. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alabama. Had some of the best times of my life in Alabama and some of the greatest people in my life are either in or from Alabama. But this particular post falls right in line with the stereotype.

So I grew up in a middle class neighborhood in a small town as I mentioned. And on the surface everything was pretty normal. But peel away a layer or two and the quirkiness of some of the people in the neighborhood starts to shine through.

You see there was this one family in our neighborhood that collected something unique, TV Guides.

I remember as a kid this family had a bookcase in their hallway that was just filled with TV Guides, years and years worth of TV Guides as a matter of fact. I remember asking my friend who lived there over and over again what was up with all of the TV Guides. No other publications, just TV Guides. And over and over again I would get some brush off answer about how his dad thought that they might be worth a lot of money one day or some other lame excuse.

And then one day a second bookcase showed up in the hallway. And week by week it slowly began to fill up with more TV Guides. One day I was hanging out and started to thumb through them. And there was nothing special about them. Nothing was hidden in them, the crossword puzzle wasn’t even started, nothing.

Then one day there was a police chase that came through our neighborhood where the guy who was running from the cops lost control of his motorcycle and crashed into the family’s car, catching it and then their house on fire. It was horrible, every issue burned.

The mystery of the TV Guides will remain unanswered for ever now. After a couple of months the house was rebuilt and for some reason the TV Guide bookcase was nowhere to be found. Of course I had to ask about them and of course I got a brush off answer, this time with attitude.

Then one day a couple of months later, a bookcase appeared in the hallway again. And placed on it was this cute little pair of TV Guides. YES!!!! Glorious TV Guides! Now I have something to bug my friend about.

At this point I couldn’t have cared less about the damn magazines or why they were keeping them, I just liked to bust their chops about them. So I go up to my friend and say that I see that the TV Guides are back and ask him what’s up with that.

If you are eating or drinking anything, you might want to go ahead and swallow it before you continue reading. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

So my friend says to me in a huff, and I quote, “My dad is keeping them because he thinks that toilet paper is going to go out of style. And when they quit making it we are going to wipe our butts with the pages of TV Guide.”

I shit you not, pun intended

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - stun guns?

2010-06-11T12:53:00.002-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

I'm old and almost crippled so I'm too old to carry a gun any more...are stun guns legal for an old man to carry in his car?...If so where is a good place to buy one?...

- Anonymous

Dear Father Time,

Since I am both a lawyer and a law enforcement officer (chef, banker, Indian chief and candle stick maker too) I will be happy to advise you. Sure, it’s legal for you to carry a stun gun in your car. And the best place to by them is at Stun-Guns-R-Us.

But first you have to tell me, what do you look like and what kind of car do you drive? Because there is no way in five hundred hells that I want to be anywhere near your paranoid, trigger happy ass when you got fifty thousand volts of make me piss my pants and flop around like a fish laying on the bench seat of your Delta 88.

Look Methuselah, do yourself a favor and keep the windows rolled up and doors locked and you will be fine. The last thing you need is to shoot yourself with that gun and turn your life on and off like a light switch. BZZZ, dead! BZZZ, defibrillator! BZZZ, dead. Not like you are going to be able to let go of that trigger once you juice yourself. Do you really want to play Russian Roulette with a 9 volt battery?

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Flash Cards

2010-06-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

One of the most important things to me is education. Be it is formal education or street knowledge, I feel that people really need to be in the know. So we have all of these learning aids for my children. Books to learn how to write their numbers and letters, learn to read books, puzzles and all sorts of other things.

So the other day I am sitting with my kids playing this little game where we pick a letter out of the alphabet and take turns saying as many words that we can think of that begin with that letter. This particular time we were using a new deck of flash cards.

You all know what flash cards are right? They are cards with a letter on the card and a picture of something that starts with that letter.

So we are going through the deck of cards playing our game until we get to the letter “K”. Anyone want to guess what the picture was on the “K” card? Kite? Nope. Key? Oh, good guess but wrong. Kitten? Sorry, wrong again. The picture was of a knife.

Now this isn’t some sort of antiviolence/weapon post, it’s an anti-stupid post. If you don’t understand, picture the flash card in your head and say the word “knife” out loud.

You got to be kidding me. What brain child thought this was a logical item to teach children the K sound? Didn’t this go though some sort of QC process? Can you see how this might be confusing for a kid who is just learning the sounds each letter can make?

So I have to stop the game for a minute and go looking through the deck to see what other phonic surprises where waiting for us. I would not have been surprised to see a “phone” on the “P” card, or a picture of a “gnat” for the “G” card. They could put a picture of a “quiche” for the “Q” card.

This is what happens when stupid people try to make learning tools.

- Don’t get dead

The first round is on the house

2010-05-18T16:22:00.001-05:00

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to own a bar and grill. I know the T.V. show Cheers has to be partly to blame. But I always thought it would be kind of cool and fun to have a place. But not just any bar, THE bar. The kind of place that was packed every night, with a line to get in that ran down the street.

To have a place like that I would think that you would need three key factors, a prime location, a great atmosphere and specialty food and drinks. Location is out of my control, I would have to hire someone to create the right atmosphere so that leaves the food and drinks. So I thought I would give putting together some house specials.

Let’s start with some the food.

The Urban Meyer sandwich – go to the store and get your favorite pre-made sandwich, eat half of it and proclaim it to be the best sandwich ever. Then you have your wife call 9-1-1, and then let everyone know that you are finished with the sandwich. Wait a couple of minutes and decide that you are going to continue eating the sandwich. After a couple of minutes more decide that you are done with the sandwich. A few minutes later proclaim that you don’t know if you are going to eat the sandwich or not but that you are going to be associated with the sandwich in some way.

The Gulf of Mexico sandwich – start with a piece of Mahi Mahi, Red Snapper, Mackerel, Amberjack and Anchovies into a hoagie roll. Add a scoop of tuna salad and several fried shrimp. Top with lots and lots of oil and vinegar, but mostly oil.

The Obama sandwich – this sandwich contains the meat from the left wing of a vulture, add a several slices of Swiss cheese with lots of holes, and then add several slices of baloney and top with mole sauce. This sandwich goes well with the mixed drink The Congress listed below.

Let’s move on to the drinks.

The Congress – in a big glass blender pour in a large can of mixed nuts, a bottle of w(h)ine, a couple of fruits, then add a couple of cut up hotdogs (because we all know what hotdogs are made out of), and top it off with a large helping of the manure of a bull. Mix well and try to choke it back and not get sick.

The Toyota – equal parts sake and Red Bull poured into a glass lined with an 8-ball of speed.

The Tiger Woods – mix sake, Ripple, 14 blonde ale beers, a shot of wheat grass and a shot of Norwegian vodka in a dented shaker with “fore” ice cubes. Serve in a Bloody Mary glass. You’ll be sure to be selling buuuuuuicks at the porcelain water hazard later.

The O.J. Simpson – it is a can of slice and a Bloody Mary. First you drink a slice and then the Bloody Mary.

The Gangbang – start with a Shirley Temple in a high ball glass, add a shot of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo. Shake vigorously and top with some Sam Adams.

The Tim Tebow – equal parts Gatorade and holy water poured into an old fashion glass where the rim is lined with freshly chopped onion, you know for the tears.

I am working on a drink called the Kim Jong Il but I don’t know how to get bat shit crazy into a glass. This place is going to rule right?

- Don’t get dead

Furniture Game

2010-05-14T16:47:00.004-05:00

In a few days I am closing on a new house. And as is probably typical with most new home owners I am buying new furniture to fit the new house “theme” or whatever. Anyway, I am buying new furniture.

I don’t know what it is about furniture and car sales people but they bug the shit out of me. Just leave me alone. I know that if I have a question about something that you will be happy to answer it for me, got it, now go away. But they won’t go away, they are like freaking gnats. So I have had enough and started to have some fun with them.

We all know that theses sales leaches hang out by the front door just waiting for some fresh meat to walk in the door. Seriously tiger sharks are more courteous. So do what you can to throw them off of their game before they get you in their clutches. And they are going to get you, they always do. I mean you are going into their den or where ever leaches hang out.

• When they come up to you avoid them like they are paparazzi. And go the distance, put your hands up as if to block a picture of your face from being taken, put your arm over your eyes, the whole nine yards.
• Run from them as if you were playing freeze tag.
• Run from them in a zig-zag pattern as if it was a maze or slalom race course.
• One of my personal favorites is to walk in, once you seem them starting to move towards you, turn around and walk back out of the store. Do this a few times in a row.

So now you are in and you have been “greeted”, don’t give in.

• Introduce yourself to every sales person that you see and tell them that if there is anything that you can help them with, don’t hesitate to ask. Then just follow them around hanging back about ten feet or so.
• Ask a sales person for a price on something that is not marked, then see how many people you can get to go find you a price for it as well before the first one gets back.• Run from piece to piece hiding behind them as if you are trying not to be seen. Every now and then peep over a piece at the sales person. Get the big eyes then duck back down and run to the next piece.
• Ask the sales person to sit beside you on a couch so that you can see how easy it is to put your arm around someone because you are looking for your new “mackin” couch.
• When the sales person says to try out a couch, run and jump into it feet first and then lie over the arm of the couch or flip over and lay upside down on it. Tell them that this is going into the kids’ playroom.
• Tell the sales person to lay down with you on the couch because you and the wife likes to (use finger quotes) “snuggle” on the couch and that the sales person is about the same size as your wife, regardless of the size of the sales person.
• When looking at bedroom furniture ask the sales person if they think that a child’s body would fit into one of the dresser drawers.• When trying out a mattress lay flat on your back with your arms crossed palms down, up by your shoulders as if you were dead and posed that way. Stay very still and lay there for a while.
• Walk up to a piece of furniture and put your hand out flat at crotch level as if you were going to show someone how tall something was. Do a couple of pelvic thrust and say out loud, “This simply won’t do” and go to another piece of furniture.
• When looking at anything with drawers in it comment on how much weed, blow, horse, cheese or any other slang drug name do they think would fit into that drawer. For instance, “Man you could put a shitload of weed in that drawer” or “I bet I could easily get an entire key of some fine Columbian blow in that drawer, what do you think?”
• Ask the sales person if they think that the piece of furniture would hide a hole in a wall…about the size of an escape tunnel.
• Lay on a bed with your arms and legs stretched out into the shape of an X. Then say aloud, “I just can’t tell” and ask the sales person to lay on the bed in the same way. Then out loud estimate how much rope you would need to tie them to the bed.
• Ask the sales person if the bed is flame retardant. If asked why simply say, “Oh no reason” and walk away.
• Pick up random accessories and ask if they think and camera would fit in it. Again if asked why just tell them no reason and then put it down and walk away.
• Every time you look at a couch ask if it comes in Naugahyde.
• While looking at bedroom furniture, ask if they think the dresser would support your weight. Tell them that you sometimes like to wear a mask and cape and jump into bed from the dresser.
• Ask how hard would it be to cut through and particular piece of furniture with a chainsaw if it were …say …propped up against a door.
• Make your way over to the couches that have cup holders in them, point to the plastic cup holders and ask if the spit cups are extra.
• Ask the sales person if the piece you are looking at looks too (pick an ethnic group). Such as does this dining room set look too Jewy? Or is this couch too white trash? Change it up and keep asking.
• Tell them that you are looking for a replacement piece. Then take a piece of crime scene tape and lay on the furniture then step back and take a look at it from a distance. Then ask how fast they can deliver it.
• When looking at dining room chairs use them as if in a dance routine. Either jazz dance or Flashdance.
• Ask over and over again for each piece that you look at how well it repels blood, semen and animal hair.
• Ask what the measurements of random large objects are. When they ask how big of a piece do you need, tell them “big enough to cover a very large blood stai….to cover a large stain” and move on.
• Ask if the material holds in “fart smells”

Have I mentioned how my wife hates shopping with me? I have no idea why.

- Don’t get dead

Ring Music

2010-05-07T11:39:00.003-05:00

I have a few friends who have songs that play when you call them while their phone is ringing. Not like ringtones but like hold music, meaning I hear it on my phone until they answer or the call goes to voicemail. And typically the music reflects their personalities.

I think that support groups should do this too. And they should put me in charge of picking the music. I bet I could have the hold times down to no time at all.

Like if someone called Over Eaters Anonymous they would hear Going the Distance by the band Cake? Or maybe Eat It by Weird Al.

Or these others support groups and heard these songs

Suicide Hot Line
- Jump by Van Halen
- Hurt by Nine Inch Nails
- Suicide Solution by Ozzy Osborne

Gamblers Anonymous
- The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

Debt & Finical Support Group
- Money by Pink Floyd

Alcoholics Anonymous
- One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer by George Thorogood
- I Drink Alone by George Thorogood
- Have a Drink On Me by AC/DC

ADHD Support Group
- Stop, Hey What’s That Sound by Buffalo Springfield

Divorce Recovery Support Group
- D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette

Road Rage Support Group
- I Can’t Drive 55 by Sammy Hagar

Masturbation Addiction Recovery
- I Touch Myself by The Divinyls

Cross Dressers Anonymous
- Dude Looks Like A Lady by Aerosmith

Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend by 20 Fingers
- Fat Bottom Girls by Queen
- Welcome to the Fuck Shop by 2 Live Crew

Drug Addicts Anonymous
- Cocaine by Eric Clapton
- Lit Up by Buckcherry
- Hits from the Bong by Cypress Hill
- Mary Jane by Rick James

Adulterers Anonymous
- Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
- Community Property by Steel Panther

Abstinence Support Group
- C’mon And Love Me by Kiss
- Calling Dr. Love by Kiss

Herpes Support Group
- Breakout by the Foo Fighters

Chronic Pain Support Group
- Numb by Nine Inch Nails

Self-Cutters Anonymous
- Cuts Like a Knife by Brian Adams

Stop Smoking Support Group
- Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple
- Smoking in the Boys Room by Brownsville Station

Shoplifters Self Help
- Wrap It Up by The Fabulous Thunderbirds

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous
- One Hand in my Pocket by Alanis Morissette

Strip Club Addiction Support Group
- Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue

Booger Eaters Anonymous
- Taste Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Dog Fighters Anonymous
- Who Let The Dogs Out by the Baja Men
- Bark at the Moon by Ozzy Osborne

Chicken Fighters Anonymous
- Feathers by Coheed and Cambria

Blood Drinkers Anonymous
- The Red by Chevelle

Codependency Support Group
- With or Without You by U2

Diabetes Support Group
- Sugar, Sugar by The Archies

Insomnia Support Group
- Up All Night by Slaughter

Loneliness Support Group
- One by Metallica
- One (is the Loneliest Number) by Three Dog Night
- I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams

Bereavement Support Group
- Another One Bites the Dust by Queen

Coming Out Support Group
- Changes by Tesla
- The Real Me by The Who

Seizure Support Group
- Freak Out by Le Freak

Blindness Support Group

- I Can See Clearly Now by Jimmy Cliff
- Seeing Things by The Black Crows

Menopause Support Group
- Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Vasectomy Support Group
- Cuts Like A Knife by Brian Adams
- Balls To The Wall by Accept

Impotence Support Group
- Willie The Wimp by Stevie Ray Vaughn

IBS Self-Help and Support Group
- That Smell by Lynyrd Skynyrd

- Don’t get dead

Either do it or don’t but don’t jack up traffic

2010-05-03T21:07:00.002-05:00

The other day while on my way to work I was listening to the radio for local traffic, news and weather just like most people do. I don’t like rush hour traffic any more than anyone else, matter of fact I probably hate it more than others.

During the traffic segment the reporter was talking about a jumper on one of the local bridges and how traffic was backed up.

If I didn’t have a meeting that morning I would have made my way over to the bridge where the jumper is, why because I had my iPod in the car.

You see these pricks are so starved for attention that they screw up everyone else’s day so that they get noticed.

So I have now created my jumper iPod playlist. The next time I hear about some goof on the roof of a building or a bridge I am going to make my way over and crank up my playlist which consist of the songs:

Jump by Van Halen (might as well jump)
Bodies by Drowning Pool (let the bodies hit the floor)
Fly by Sugar Ray (spread your wings and fly)
Let’s Go All The Way by Sly Fox
Jumper by Third Eye Blind
Jumping Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
Time for Me to Fly by REO Speedwagon
Boulevard by Jackson Browne
Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
Jump by Kriss Kross
(I Just) Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew
Die Die My Darling by the Misfits
Catch Me I’m Falling by Pretty Poison
Free Falling by Tom Petty
Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz
Suicide Solution by Ozzy Osborne
Fly to the Angles by Slaughter
The Bird by The Time

Think that will get to point across?

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Anyone where CONTACT LENSES if so could you help me here?? (My first time...)

2010-05-02T19:30:00.001-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

Ok, well Im needing to get GLASSES bad as to I am blind as a bat lol. My question is, where is the best place to go get an EXAM, AND GET CONTACT LENSES that are affordable and good? But here is the thing, I know you have your DAILIES, WEEKS, THROW AWAYS ETC, BUT WTF DO I CHOOSE?? AND HOW DO I DO IT?

I want ones that I can get like six months, hell even up to a year at a time, but Id be grateful for SIX MONTHS at a time! Also, how much do they usually cost? I was wanting to get colored ones too. Im just trying to weigh my options as to where to go.

And YES, I CAN AFFORD EVERYTHING!!!

Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am going to go easy on you for the spelling and grammar on this one. But after reading your letter my best advice to you would be to go to A FUCKING OPTOMETRIST! Just an idea.

I swear I am starting to worry about you people. Do you all live under powerlines? Does your microwave have a door that actually closes? Eat a lot of paint chips or someting?

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - My loser husband can't find a good paying job

2010-04-29T22:38:00.001-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

My loser husband can't find a good paying job. He is a life long car salesman has not only bankruped our family with his silly jobs, but we've also lost our home to foreclosure and now i'm BEYOND pissed off. If he can't find a FULL TIME, decent paying job (with benefits) by the end of April, I'll be forced into looking for work just to pay some bills around here. This is NOT what I was planning on doing in my 40's. He hasn't even saved a dime for our retirement either. Wish that I could turn the clock back 25+ years and do things differently, but for now i'm stuck with an unemployable moron.

- Done in Dallas

Dear Done,

What do you want me to do about this? I’m not hiring. But let me see if I can help anyway.

So let me get this right. Your husband is the one that was, and probably always was, the one in the relationship who was working and somehow he is the loser? Yeeaahhhhh.

Here is the deal, you sound like a lazy bitch to me. I don’t know you but I do see that you don’t want to get off of your ass to get a job. So your house got foreclosed on and it is somehow his fault? I am sure that it has nothing to do with the entire nation being in turmoil huh. It has nothing to do with the country being in a recession at all, no that can’t be it.

So you are now beyond pissed huh. And if he can’t find a good paying full time job with benefits and a company car and a huge office with a corporate credit card or whatever the hell other bullshit demands that you have, you will be forced to look for a job huh? Considering that you don’t know that “I’m” is supposed to have a capital “I” and that the correct spelling of bankruped is bankrupted and “life long” is actually one word, I say good luck with that job hunt. I bet your resume looks like a monkey wrote it. I hope that you have some highly desirable skill set. But I can’t think of anything that is going to pay worth a damn that you can do with a mediocre, at best, command of the English language and grammar. If you don’t have enough sense to use spell check, how are you going to be able to get a job paying enough to elevate you back to queen bee status?

Now, as far as the retirement, I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me thinks why would he want to put something away for some ungrateful hag to blow? Then again, I see that you didn’t do anything to either encourage him to save or take the money you blew and put it into a rainy day savings on your own. You two are in this relationship together, sadly for him.

Nowhere in your letter did you explain what you have done for your relationship. What did you do in the past that is so fantastic? What makes you so great that you can’t join the workforce unless you have to? Why don’t you take the Marlboro 100 out of your sorry mouth and start picking up the place? Its call initiative, you should look it up. (Pssst, try dictionary.com!)

If you were worth a crap you should kiss his ass for taking care of you for this long while you didn’t do shit and let him know that you are there for him and that you two are going to do what it takes to get through this hard time in life together. But I am sure that you are far too good for that.

So this isn’t what you had planned on doing in your 40’s? That reminds me of an old Russian saying, “Tough Shitski!” I bet your husband didn’t plan on being legally bound to some ungrateful leach for 25+ years either. I find it funny that you call him a moron, yet you have apparently done nothing to better the situation until you are forced to. You heard about people who live in glass houses right?

I hope that your husband does get a great job and very soon. And then I hope he takes some of the money from his first paycheck and hire a divorce lawyer. I bet you would change your tune then.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Great show idea!

2010-04-28T14:49:00.002-05:00

There is a show on the TV channel Spike called “Deadliest Warrior”. In this show they take various warriors throughout the world and history that would have never fought against each other naturally, like a pirate and a knight, and put them against each other in computer simulation battles. In the show they also detail four types of weapons for each warrior: a long range weapon; a mid range weapon; a close range weapon; and a special weapon. They have various ways of measuring the amount of lethal force that each weapon would produce and they tell which weapon would have the edge when it comes to deadly force. Then they run the battles 1000 times to see who comes out on top.

So my thought is why don’t we bring this into the current time? But instead of warriors how about we use regular annoying types of people. We could call it something like “Annoyingist (I know it’s not a real word) Citizen”. And instead of lethality we could rate the weapons on the level or annoyance.

For instance we would put soccer moms against metrosexual men.

So the long range weapon for the soccer moms would have to be the minivan/SUV. It really would be a multipurpose weapon. You have the distraction factor with the stickers on the back window with all of their kids names and what sports/activities that they play. Then there is the inability to park the vehicle. One could conceivable be injured or killed while gawking at the vehicle. But the most deadly/annoying part of this weapon would be the driving. Then there are the sudden lane changes, weaving and sudden braking because of texting or talking on the phone. This weapon is probably the deadliest/most annoying of all weapons.

The long range weapon for the metrosexual male would be the almighty cell phone. This weapon is also a multipurpose weapon as well. First there is way too cool for everyone else ringtone, typically a song from the top 40 or some kind of theme song like the theme from the Godfather movies. Additionally there are the very loud conversations, ones that contain the words dude, bro, killer, sweet, brah, man and nice over and over again in the same conversation. But that’s not all, then there is the constant playing with the phone (texting, checking email, downloading new aps, tossing/flipping the phone around or checking the time over and over again).

I would have to give the edge for long range weapons to the metrosexual male. I think that is more annoying.

The mid range weapon of choice for the soccer mom is screaming from the bleachers at the kid’s games. Hands down, this is a powerful weapon. And it is a broad range weapon too. Everyone in the area will be impacted by this weapon. The auditory assault is unbelievable. Go Timmy! Kick it Bobby! Run Johnny! Over and over and over again will drive you insane in virtually no time. And there is always the threat of the mom starting a chant, “Let’s go bombers, let’s go!”

The metrosexual male’s mid range weapon of choice is the annoying fake laugh. This weapon is also an auditory bomb. This weapon has to be deployed in a special way. The proper way to use this weapon is to be in the center of a group of people, typically with a cell phone at ones head. Once the stage is set, the detonation sequence is ready to begin. The guy has to stand up straight and tall, throw their head back and let out a big fake toothy laugh that carries. Now this weapon, unlike the screams from the bleachers, is a one dimensional weapon but still very powerful.

For mid range weapons I would have to give the edge to the soccer mom.

The close range weapon for the soccer mom is the oversized gear bag, typically used in conjunction with a slow meandering walk causing no one to be able to get by her. But that’s not the only way to use it. This weapon can also be used in many different ways such as flinging her upper body around without regard for anyone or anything around her, typically ending with the bag hitting a small child in the head or a dad in the junk. There is also the sudden drop of the large bag without warning of any type causing people behind her to trip, stumble and/or fall. Another way that this bag, which is big enough to smuggle villages of illegal aliens into the country, can be used is by almost violently searching for something in the bag. Not only is the mom scurrying though the bag, she is also yelling at her kids asking them if they brought such and such.

The close range weapon for the metrosexual male is cologne. This weapon is used in mass typically ambushing its victims. The overpriced high end department store liquid weapon of mass annoyance appears to be deployed as something that they get baptized in regardless of the appeal, or lack thereof, to ANYONE’S sense of smell. Typically this weapon causes its victims eyes and nose to burn uncontrollably. While an effective weapon, cologne has its limitations.

The edge for close range weapons goes to the soccer mom.

The soccer mom unleashes a wonderful weapon for its special weapon, her other children. Oh yes, a very powerful and multidirectional weapon which can be unleashed on the masses at any time, needs no set up and can swarm. This weapon can be used in a multitude of ways from running up and down the bleachers or throughout the park to yelling and screaming down the sides of the field to crying because they want a Popsicle to yelling because they need to go poopy and on and on and on. This is one hell of an annoying weapon.

As for the metrosexual male, their special weapon of choice is personal grooming. This too is a multifunctional weapon. This weapon contains everything from the slicked back Guido hair to the tanning bed tan which is darker than most Puerto Ricans. But the weapon doesn’t stop there. It also contains their manicure/pedicure, bleached teeth, waxed eyebrows, shaven underarms, arms and legs. These weapons are typically accompanied with big stupid looking sunglasses worn indoors at night, popped collars and rollup up shirt sleeves. And this weapon will be instantly unleashed anytime there is a camera or cell phone with a camera in close proximity.

This is a really close one but I think I have to give the edge to the metrosexual male on the special weapons. For a couple of reasons actually, not all soccer moms have more than one child and not all kids are annoying.

So after simulating the simulation in my head I have to crown the first Annoyingist Citizen to …… the metrosexual male. It was a very close battle but extreme vanity won out over living vicariously.

Upcoming battles will contain members of society such as senior citizens, cab drivers, rednecks, English soccer fans, hippy/free spirits, mall kiosk sales person, computer programmers, customer service reps, bar fly, jock, mall walkers, mall rat, gym rat, technology geek, biker, country boy, club girl, fast food manager, previously fat person who is now thinner, musicians, local stage actors, radio dj, left lane slow drivers, used car sales person, waiter, housewife, cokehead, pothead, surfer dude, immigrant worker, teenager, stripper, reality tv star, science fiction geek, local politician, engaged female, newlywed female, valet, nerd, armature photographer, stylist/barber, ice cream truck driver, stay at home mom, currier, debt collector, roofer, carpet installer, lawn crew, pool boy, sorority girls, frat boys, pizza delivery guy, skaters, new parents, cleaning crew, MMA fanatics, birthday clowns, cougars, milfs, community leaders, retail sales person, gay men, lesbians and so on. Get your TiVos ready and stay tuned.

- Don’t get dead

Nope, It’s Me

2010-04-27T22:52:00.002-05:00

You know, it’s amazing that I am not in jail or at least getting my ass kicked on a regular basis. I have never hidden the fact that I like things a certain way, everything from my house to my food. Ask my builder, he will tell you what a pain in the ass I am. But don’t ask the staff at Wendy’s, they will just tell you that I am a prick and … well, I can’t really argue with them.

You see one night I was coming home really late from a card game and wanted a spicy chicken sandwich. But I am funny about how I like them. For some reason I am not a fan of hot mayonnaise. It is just gross to me. And after a card game one night, around 2:00 AM, I am damn sure not a fan of it.

As you can probably imagine the dining room was closed and only the drive-thru was open. Like a good little fast food patron I wait in line, place my order without mayo, pay for it and pull out of the way once I get my food. I actually pulled into a parking spot, reached into the bag and pulled out this chicken sandwich that was covered in hot, greasy mayo.

Since I was already parked I just walked up to the drive-thru window between the car that just left and the car that was next in line and explained that my order was wrong to the lovely young (extreme sarcasm) lady.

Get this, this bitch wanted me to get back in my car, go to the back of the drive-thru line which wrapped around the building and then reorder my food.

No, fuck you tons of fun, I already waited in that long as line one time and you guys jacked up my order, not me! So I explained that I wasn’t going to do that and that I just wanted my food the way that I ordered it. In a huff this bitch closes the window on me while I am standing there and just steps away. That’s when I turned into the incredible a-hole.

I take the sandwich out of the wrapper and tap on the window. When Attila looks over, I open the sandwich dropping the chicken on the ground and taking the bun and smearing the mayo down both sides of the window and walk back to my car.

Some of the people in line cheered and honked their horn. But Attila stuck one of her ham hock arms and pumpkin head out of the window yelling at me that I had to “clean this shit up”. I turned to her and told her that she would have to go to the end of the line. I know, very childish. To which she responded with a one finger hand sign. I think it was a gang sign. Haha

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Men.....

2010-04-25T11:31:00.001-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

Just seems like all men want is sex. They make promise after promise with no intention of actually following through. I don't want anything but honesty...can't understand why men don't give that? I think I am going to just stay away from all of them. It's just easier.

Thanks in advance,

Everywhere

Dear Everywhere,

Are you saying that you are going to start fighting for the lesbinease? Hell yeah!

But to answer your question if you keep falling for the same thing over and over men think that is what you want, because you keep doing it. I know that if I see someone doing the same thing over and over again I think they like it. It’s almost Pavlovian.

So you see it’s really your fault because you are misleading men. How dare you for point fingers at innocent men who go out of their way to lie to you simply to make you happy. You know these men are going out of their way just to please you. Shame on you!

And yeah, you’re right. All men what is sex. You’re not really breaking the news with that revelation.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Question for women

2010-04-21T17:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

I know that this may sound dumb but, I recently caught my wife cheating on me. I walked in and caught her bent over the couch. We had never done this before and my question is do women like to be bent over and fucked? I always thought that it would be uncomfortable.

- Big D

Dear Big D,

You catch your wife cheating and that’s your question? Seriously? You didn’t ask about a good divorce lawyer or if you might catch something from her, who should move out or any of that stuff? You didn’t even ask if you would have gone to jail if you shot him. You got one messed up relationship dude.

At least now you know why the couch smells like that.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Daddy's Guitar

2010-04-20T10:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

I am having to sell my father's guitar. He was a bass player for Billy Haley and the Comets. My father got the name "Comets" because he got drunk off Pabst Blue Ribbon one night and saw one. Anyways, this guitar was personally signed by Haley himself and my father was very grateful for him. Bill used to sing us songs when we were kids. Anyways, a man from Memphis offered $88,000 for the guitar and I am psyched that its worth that much but I am sad to see it go. I am a laid off factory worker here from Little Rock, I'm 52 years old with nothing but 22 years working for a packing company for 22 years and nothing, I have nothing.

What should I do? Do you think that I should sell it or hold out and see if I can get more for it?

Thanks for your help,

Jr. Bass

Dear Jr.,

Are you following in your daddy’s footsteps with the PBR right now? Hell yeah you should sell it! Your ass is broke with no job. Hell, 88K is more that some people make in a year.

And since you obviously don’t make real smart finical decisions let me help you out a little bit. Just as soon as you get your money, go to Office Depot and buy a sharpie then go to your bank, assuming you have a bank account (if not open one) and put the rest of the money in the bank and DON’T TOUCH IT. Ever! And if you think you need to get some of that money out kick yourself in the nuts first. You’re 52 and don’t have shit? The last think you need to do is blow your genetic lottery winnings.

Why the sharpie? Well a couple of months ago I had a garage sale where I sold a circular saw that Elvis signed for $50. I also sold a kitchen clock that Jimi Hendrix signed for $17 and the vacuum cleaner that Stevie Ray Vaughn used to vacuum my living room then signed, I got $40 for it. When I get home Kurt Cobain is going to sign a baseball cap. Get it? Take a picture of that autograph and practice, practice, practice!

If I was you, the bass player for Bill Haley and the Comets son (yikes), Bill Haley would have signed every book, toaster, article of clothing and anything else that I could find in my house. Bill Haley would be signing boxes of macaroni and cheese just as soon as I got home.

Hope this helps,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

This weekend

2010-04-19T11:20:00.001-05:00

For those of you who don’t know, I live in the Dallas area. And people around here think that the world is about to end. Not because of all of the recent earthquakes or the volcano in Iceland or the Mayan calendar or anything like that. Nope nothing like that. They think it’s because we had a big snow storm last winter and we have gotten more rain than usual this year.

Now the rain is really causing problems flooding, traffic problems and even a small landslide.

We even got more rain over the weekend. And it really has a lot of people up in arms. Because of the flooding you may ask? Nope. Traffic? Not so much. Landslides? Oh, swing and a miss! Nope, the rain over the weekend jacked up a NASCAR race. OH THE HORROR!!

It was the lead story on pretty much every news outlet. You would have thought that someone was giving away money by the amount of coverage that it got. Nothing on what’s going on in the Middle East, nothing on what the president is doing, noting on the stock market. Nope none of that unimportant stuff, we didn’t get to have the NASCAR race was top dog.

So the rain kept the races from happening over the weekend and this morning again, it’s the lead story on all of the local news outlets. The big story now is that they are going to finish the race today but not everyone is going to be able to see the race. Apparently the last time they finished a race on a Monday there were eighty thousand people there and the track hoped to beat that record today.

I really don’t see how that will be so hard. I saw the aerial footage of the track parking and it looks to me like most of the fans brought their houses with them.

- Don’t get dead

New Superheroes

2010-04-18T17:39:00.002-05:00

Of course growing up every boy wanted to be a superhero. There were the usual guys, Captain America, Superman, Batman, Spiderman, The Green Hornet and so on. Then there were some new superheroes in that Ben Stiller movie. One guy had a special bowling ball and I think there was a guy with some forks or something, I don’t remember exactly. But the thing about those guys is that that all had special powers. I think that it is time for people with normal powers to become heroes.

As I was thinking about how we need some new Superheroes I heard about this new movie “Kick Ass” that is about ordinary people without super powers making themselves Super Heroes. I saw on the news there are these people running around NYC donning capes and mask. So I know there are others who have been thinking like me.

For instance there could be “Annoy The Hell Out Of You Man”. His powers would be something like clearing his throat over and over, or maybe some weird non-stop laughing. He would just frustrate the bad guys into giving up.

What about “Body Odor Man”. His superpower could be that he smells of rotting maggots. All he would need would be a big fan that he could point at the bad guys and stand between the fan and the bad guys. I would think it would be hard to commit crimes while dry heaving uncontrollably.

“Long Story Man” would tell the longest, boring, no point having stories without letting the bad guy get a word in edgewise. While he assaults the bad guys eardrums and holds them hostage until the police get there or the hostages have time to devise an escape plan or whatever. This hero is most effective when he is older in life.

What about “Hairy Fat Man in a Speedo… Man”! His powers are obvious, complete distraction. Seriously, who could look away from that train wreck?

There also could be “Know It All Man”. He would be able to disarm/distract the crook by telling them how he could escape from the knot that they used to tie up the hostages or how the explosive they devised isn’t strong enough to bust through the wall and he could build a better one. This hero is most effective by causing the criminals to run head first into the closest brick wall.

Oh and what about “Mega Bitch Woman”! She would be able to fight crime by nonstop nagging and constant bitching until the bad guys would turn their weapons on themselves. I bet that if there were several of these heroines and if enough of them hang out together, in time they will be able fight unthinkable amounts of crime all at the same time. Probably even rid the world of crime all together. All while telling you how you are doing it wrong. The only downside is that she would only be able to fight crime once a month for about a week.

- Don’t get dead

Masculinity on a serious decline

2010-04-16T16:46:00.000-05:00

A recent survey by research group Dewey, Cheatem & Howe shows that there is a huge decline in masculinity among men in the United States. That’s right the new survey shows a two thirds drop over the last year.

The reason isn’t that men have stopped drinking beer and martinis in favor of mojitos and daiquiris. Or that men have stopped working on cars or quit wood working. There is no drop in the amount of men who weld or ride motorcycles. And only a slight decrease in the number of men who work in their lawns, but not enough to affect the survey.

So you may be asking what is causing the drop. Blackberrys, iPhones and so on are to blame. Yes, that’s right, the ole twitter from the shitter is to blame. This survey shows that two thirds more men are sitting to pee because of checking facebook or their fantasy league on their smartphone while taking a squirt.

Standing to pee, there’s no app for that.

-- Don’t get dead

Game Shows

2010-04-14T20:58:00.000-05:00

I have decided that the American TV audience needs some new games shows, prime time game shows at that. So I have decided to help out the networks with my game show ideas. Maybe it’s just me but I would watch these.

Faking It – The contestant is dressed appropriately for a profession and they have to see how long they can last before someone calls them out. The longer they make it the more cash and prizes they win.

Lit Up – A game where people are asked questions either from the news and current events or common sense type questions. Every time that they get a question wrong, they get shocked with a taser.

Strip Geography – That’s right, if you can’t find Iraq on a map you got to show the nation your Willie!

Project X – A game show where you take repeat offender and run medical experiments on them. I don’t quite know how to make a “game” out of it but I like the idea.

Hazing – A game show where contestants have to go through college hazing for cash and prizes. But it’s not just going through the task that helps you win prizes. No, no, no, it’s not that easy. You have to decide what the sponsor for that prize would think. For example, say the prize is a new car. To win the car you are brought into a room with a door on the left and a door on the right. You are handed a condom and told that there is a goat behind the door on the right and the door on the left leads you back stage. What do you do? How bad do you want the new car? Do you think that the announcer is going to say, “This instance of bestiality is brought to you by Ford”? I don’t think so either. So if you decide to poke a goat you lose it all but if you decide to only put your pecker in your own species then you win the new car. Or maybe you have to drink a cup of spit to win Ozarka water for life. Let a blind person give you a hair cut that you have to keep for a month to win Toni and Guy gift certificates?

Gut Buster – Contestants are fed tons of greasy junk food followed by pots of strong black coffee. Whoever stays clean the longest wins!

Crazy or Not Crazy – Contestants sit on a panel and ask a guest questions to see if they can figure out if the guest is a loon. Questions like how many cats do you have? How many stuffed Disney characters are in your bedroom? How many times in a row would you call someone’s cell phone (psycho dial) if you where trying to get a hold of them? Or maybe, what’s inside your medicine chest at home? Do you think that the government is following you? Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Correct guesses get your prizes.

What would you sacrifice? – A game show where all of the contestants have a need (food, money, job, car, etc.) which they can win. But they will have to sacrifice something (toe, ear, dignity, spouse, whatever). So to win, they have to lose.

Dog or starving person – This is a race game where you take various people who are starving and they have to race various dogs to win food. First one there gets the food. Sometimes it might be just a straight race, sometimes it might be an obstacle course.

Reunion – A game show where bullies are reunited with the kids that they picked on and a judge rule as to if the kid was a bully or not. The winner gets payback. Like the looser has to be strapped into labor stirrups and the winner gets a paintball gun. You can see where this is going. Or the looser is strapped down and the winner gets some thick cardstock and they get to go Edward Scissorhands on the looser.

Will This Kill Me? – Contestants have to decide if an item (food, weapon or other) would kill them. But here’s the catch, they only win cash and prizes if they don’t think that the item will kill them and they are right. Of course they have to try it to find out.

Poop or Food? – Contestants have to figure out if what’s in the bowl IS food or WAS food. Bonus points if they take a bite. Ehh, this one might be a bit much even for me.

Don’t get dead

I am a GINORMIOUS shithead

2010-03-11T20:26:00.001-06:00

I had to run an errand at lunch today and of course it took longer than I expected. So when everything was done and I was hauling ass back to the office as fast as I can taking what I thought was a short cut, I run into traffic of course. I turn onto this side road and there I am behind these slow-ass drivers on this two lane road and I swear we didn’t get above 20 mph. So yeah, I was about to pull the steering wheel off of the steering column. I mean there is this long ass line of cars just poking along. And I know that they were all doing it on purpose, just to piss me off. After what seemed like a couple of miles I said to myself “F it!” and started to work my way though the traffic. Every chance I got I would zoom around one car, sometimes two. And even though we were packed together pretty tight I really didn’t have a problem getting in. I bet that I passed about forty cars when I thought to myself “someone should kill the asshole who is causing this backup”. Well, someone did, maybe. I found myself behind the lead car of the backup, a hearse. I had just weaved my way though a funeral procession.

There is no doubt that I am King Dickhead. And this time it was an accident! Where’s my crown?

Don’t get dead

Yep, I am still the king (asshole)

2010-03-10T20:57:00.000-06:00

So there I am in the elevator at work on my way down to the lobby when it stops at the second floor. I am sure that I am not the only one in the elevator who wanted to get to the garage, get in their car and head home. But I am sure that I am the only one who said, “What kind of asshole can’t go DOWN one flight of stairs?!” This would be when the door opened and a girl in a wheelchair got in the elevator. Oh fucking shoot me! A couple of people chuckled and I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. Being the king kind of sucks sometimes.

Don’t get dead

Famous kids who it would suck to be

2010-01-18T18:10:00.000-06:00

I always find it interesting how society is obsessed with what the children of famous people are doing, sort of the “they are famous for being famous” syndrome. People like the children of presidents, Michael Jackson’s kids and Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’s kid. Probably the most famous of these are Nicky and Paris Hilton and Nichole Richey. Even Ozzy Osbourne’s kids had their fifteen minutes of fame. And they are put on a pedestal and get the royal treatment for some reason. Which has got to be great, but I got to thinking about famous people whose kids it must suck to be.

People like Ron Jeremy or John Holmes son(s). Yep, right out of the gate I am “going there”. Think about the hell it would be to be the son of one of those guys and you don’t have the same “gift” that their fathers do. Their life from the time that they are teenagers until the time that they do finally meet a woman who loved them for them and get married would be sheer hell. Funny how I doubt that Linda Lovelace’s daughter would catch hell, go figure.

Or Helen Keller’s kids as teenagers if they have any sort of morals. You know that there would be one weekend where they were grounded and it just so happens on that same weekend a friend’s parents were out of town. And said friend was having a huge party. What excuse would you have? That you where on restriction and couldn’t sneak out? Your mother is a blind, deaf, mute! You know that your friends would give you shit for the rest of your life. I mean to throw her off, move the couch or something and she would get lost and you are in the clear.

Then there is Albert Einstein’s kid(s), do you have any idea the kind of pressure you would be under to not only make the honor roll but to be the valedictorian. Anything less than an A+ and people are going to talk. And you know that Adolf Hitler’s kid would just happen to have the seat next to little Albert. Of course Adolf Jr. would force the young Einstein to let him cheat off of his papers. You think he is going to tell Adolf Hitler’s kid no? Hell no he isn’t. I mean that takes my dad can beat up your dad to a whole new level.

How bad would it suck to be Harry Houdini’s kid? All of your life people are trying to sneak up on you, tie you up and see if you can escape. Over and over again some asshole is going to run up behind you with a rope or some handcuffs and try to tie you into some pretzel shape just to see if you can get loose. Lil Dini (as his friends would call him) will have to learn how to master the junk punch at an early age.

And what about Lou Gehrig Jr. Do you think he could ever get decent life insurance that doesn’t cost him an arm and a leg? And would anyone allow him to sign any sort of long term contract? That would have to be a bitch.

Chuck Norris Jr. Oh hell yeah, little Chucky is going to tote an ass beating from day one. You know that this kid is going to have to hear “So you are a tough guy huh” and “Hiyah!” all of their freaking life, every day some smuck will think it would be funny to go up to him and do some stupid Karate Kid pose or something. The up side to this is that whole my dad can beat up your dad thing I was talking about earlier. Yeah, there will be some really pissed off dads in the neighborhood. Sore too I would imagine.

On to Casanova’s son. Look there is enough pressure to be a good lover. I damn sure wouldn’t want to be the offspring of the world’s greatest lover throughout all of history. Fuck that. If you just had one bad experience you would be toast. These bitches will talk and when they talk, they will cut you. I wouldn’t want that. What if you just wanted a quicky? You know the rumor mill would be in overdrive about how you couldn’t last. Not a chance in hell, way too much pressure.

What about Christopher Walken’s kids? I love Walken and as cool as the home life might be, that public life has got to be a pain in the ass. Because you know that you can’t just go out to eat without every half-retard in the tri-state area coming up to you and trying to do an impression, regardless of how painful, of your father. Like you don’t know what he sounds like. And I’m not going to do any impressions here, because quite frankly I have found that they don’t go over well in text.

And what about Jenny Craig’s kids? People watching every little thing that you eat and if you gain five pounds your momma has to hear about how her own kids can’t follow her plan. And you better pray that you don’t become bulimic and let anyone find out about it. Christmas would suck that year for sure.

Oh, and what about Tom Bodett’s kids! This is probably the place where you are thinking “What?! Why would it suck to be Tom Bodett’s kids?” I’ll tell you why. Because any time one of your little horny friends even thinks that there is a remote chance that they might get laid, who do you think they are going to come to looking for a free hotel room, Motel 6 or not. Oh yeah. And he can’t take her to their place because he lives with his parents and if you let that little nugget of information out you can kiss your lovin goodbye. Oh god, and after prom, can you imagine how “popular” you would be?

What about King Henry VIII’s son? Do you think he had a hard time finding a girlfriend? You damn right he did. Why? Because his daddy liked to cut women’s heads off, that’s why. And let’s be honest, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I know if I was a chick who found myself attracted to him I would have to think long and hard about it. You know, do the pros and cons thing. Pros: his family is well off, he is a nice guy, I am sure we would travel the world, we would have the finest things that the world has to offer. Cons: My head might be in a basket while my body is still on the Guillotine tomorrow. Cons wins! (just as an fyi, I know about Prince Edward/Edward VI, I’m just saying it would be tough)

And then there are the children of Louis & Clark or Christopher Columbus. You can never get lost or not know how to get somewhere if you were their kids. At some point you would just have to say “Damn, I’ve never been to Cleveland, how in the hell and I supposed to find the Denny’s on Fifth St?” or “F you and the north star, go buy a Garmin!”

One of the worst has got to be the son or daughter of Mr. Webster. No not the guy from the 80’s sitcom show, the guy who has his name on the dictionary. All day long people asking you how to spell stuff and what things mean. And you damn sure better not lose a spelling bee!

What about the children of “Tom” from myspace? Simply because everyone would want to beat your ass or his ass by proxy.

Of course there are Betty Ford’s kids. You can never have a drink in public without someone going and telling your momma to get a room ready at her clinic. What kind of shit would that be? Tough day at work and you want to come home and crack open a beer or have a glass of wine? Think again, you get to unwind with water. Thanks mom!

And don’t you think it would be tough being the son of the guy who invented the radar gun? You would be the most unpopular kid in high school and college. Some kid would seek him out and say “ I got a ticket on the way to take my finals so I was late and they locked the doors so I failed and have to take this BS class again next semester. Tell your dad to go and invent some more shit, I dare ya!”

Let’s take a journey in the way back machine and think about how bad it would suck to be the caveson of the caveman who invented the wheel. All day long Og would be trying to convince you to sneak the wheel out of the garage or to let him borrow the wheel because he has a hot date that he wants to impress. And every Tom, Dick and Uhhuhhahhahh wanting you to give them rides all over the cave. Then when you do get to take the wheel out you get busted racing a saber toothed cat. It’s just a bad situation.

One of the very worst would have to be the daughter of the guy who invented the chastity belt. You pretty much know what you are doing every Friday and Saturday night for damn near the rest of your life. Because you won’t be getting asked out on a lot of dates regardless of how pretty you are. Of course you know that if a guy does ask you out that he either really REALLY likes her for who she is or he is new in town. Then again, she might give wicked good oral… who knows maybe she won’t be home every weekend.

Ahh yes, Evil Knievel’s son. No, not Robbie, the other son. The one who is scared of heights and thinks that motorcycles are inherently dangerous. Over and over again he would get interviewed and asked why he doesn’t follow in his fathers and brothers footsteps. And over and over again he would have to tell the interviewer that he is afraid of heights and that motorcycles are dangerous. And then wait for the interviewer to try and hold back their laughter.

What about the kids of the Mexican Donkey show woman? Yeah on the surface you might get some giggles or some people might point and whisper, which would be enough. But what about on “Career Day” where you have to bring a parent to school and they stand up in front of your entire class and tell what they do for a living and answer questions from the class. She better go first because there are going to be questions… lots of questions.

And there are probably others. But I don’t know I could be wrong.

Don’t get dead

Social Networking

2009-12-01T13:27:00.001-06:00

I love social networking websites. I mean that I LOVE them. Facebook, Myspace, you name it, I love them. Why do I love them? Oh it has nothing to do with being social or catching up with friends and/or classmates from my past, nope I just like to fuck with people. That’s pretty much it.

You see I moved away from my hometown shortly after I graduated from high school and have only been back to visit a few times since. I set up my profile on these sites without a whole lot of information about myself on it, just enough for people to know that I am actively on that site and maybe spark a little curiosity. Then I just sat back and waited for the friend request to come in. And most of the friend request that I get on these sites are accompanied with a message. Usually the message is someone telling me who they are and how I know them and things like that. I return their message as soon as I can and start a chit-chat conversation with them and find a way to ask them what they are doing for a living, are they married/do they have a family and so on, which is usually returned with them asking me what I am up to.

This is the part that I really love. I usually respond and let them know that I am in prison or jail and how excited I am that they contacted me because I am about to get out. Then I tell them that I am either going to move back home if they still live in the area that I grew up in or that I have always wanted to live in whatever area they currently live in. And that I will need a place to stay until I can get back on my feet, but with the economy the way that it is it may take a while. Then I go on about how great of a friend that they are and how proud of them that I am because of how well they are doing in life and that I am envious of the choices that they made in life. Then I start hinting around that I could use a life mentor like them.

For some reason this is where the conversation hits a lull. I wonder why?

Sometimes I like to mix it up a bit and go the hardcore, non-mainstream religious route. Snake handling, aliens, animal worship, just depends on my mood at the time. Then I ask them if they are a believer and if not I would love to talk to them about it. And that I am about to go on tour and will be in their area soon and that I hope to see them while I am there.

This too seems to cause a lull in the conversation.

And if this wasn’t enough, I have a reunion coming up in a couple of years so the timing is great. I always include how I can’t wait to see them at the reunion if I start to get the brush off. Nothing like being able to make someone uncomfortable in the future!

You would be amazed at the names your “friends” call you when you tell them that you are just screwing with them.

So if you are on or are about to join a social networking site give this a try. Nothing says it’s the holiday season like thinking that a felon or religious nut is about to come stay with you and your family during Christmas. And if you’re not on one SIGN UP NOW!

Don’t get dead

With a name like this, it has to be good (Or at least a lot of fun)!

2009-10-28T12:47:00.002-05:00

It started out as a day like any other day. I was sitting in traffic on my way to work when I saw a food delivery service truck like these two.

But on the back of the truck that I saw there was the same white bear wearing a chef’s hat but he was hugging a donut. But the center of the donut didn’t look like a normal donut, it looked like a balloon knot.

I thought it was some kind of joke or something so I googled this company as soon as I could and it’s a real company. It’s a baked goods company from Mexico.

You know how some things translate differently from one country to another? Like how the Chevy Nova had to be renamed in Mexico because no va means no go in Spanish. So you think that they might have looked into this before they opened their operations in the states.

Maybe it’s because of where I am from, but I’m not eating bimbos! And while on their website I see that they have a recipe for crab cakes. One of the last things that I want is crabs from a bimbo, caked or not!

And I see that these bimbos are expanding into the United States, so I wonder are bimbos popular in Mexico? And all of the bimbos that I have seen so far on their site and trucks were white, so do they have other types of bimbos? Like are there chocolate bimbos? And are you looked down upon if you buy a bimbo? What if you buy a bunch of bimbos, do your friends shun you? And their honey buns, do you think that they are hot? Probably glazed? Think they are cream filled? And why is it that I think a lot of these bimbos have white powder on them?

I think I am going to have to do some bimbo research!

Don’t get dead

The best lunch ever!

2009-10-22T12:41:00.004-05:00

I had lunch with a co-worker at a local Chinese restaurant which was run by a group of people with a pretty heavy Asian accent. And I have nothing against anyone who was not born in the United States starting a business in the United States as long as everything is legal.

And typically I would not be a fan of Dr. Pepper as a matter of fact I usually refer to it as swill. But I may have found a new fondness for it in certain situations.

So there we are sitting at the table, one guy brings us a couple of glasses of water and some of those fried noodles.

A short while later a waitress brings us a couple of menus and takes our drink order. I tell her that I would like a Diet Coke and she says in her heavy accent “one diet coke”. Then my co-worker says “I’ll have a Dr. Pepper” and the waitress says what sounds to us like “and one donkey pecker”.

Just so you know, fried egg noodles hurt like hell when damn near launched out of your nose.

Don’t get dead

My “Haunted” House

2009-10-19T17:05:00.002-05:00

Since it is almost Halloween I thought that I would share my very, very scary haunted house story with everyone.

I don’t know if I watched too many Scooby Doo movies growing up or what, but years back I was sure that I bought a haunted house.

Let me set the scene for you. It was a nice spring day, the temperature was probably in the high 60s, a nice breeze in the air and not a cloud in the sky as I am sitting in the lobby of the title company staring at the biggest check I have ever had to give someone. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “do I really want to get rid of all of this cash for a house”. But I went through and did it. I became a homeowner for the first time. Later that day the moving company pulls up with all of my stuff and they start to move me in. I go through and do the normal stuff like put my bed together and figure out where I am going to put the TV and so on.

Of course since I’m not very smart I didn’t think have to have the cable/phone/internet turned on. Hell, I was proud I got the water, gas and electricity turned on to be honest with you. Hours go by and I am still unpacking and moving crap around and being a happy little camper as the sun begins to set. This is when all of the weird stuff started happening.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a brother who is a few years older than me. And his sole mission in life was to torture me. Now the reason that I am telling you about him is because I told him about the house and where it was, fully expecting him to come by and mess with me as he has done countless times in the past.

So, what is the weird stuff you might be asking? Well, I never realized how dark this street was until after the sun had fully set. Then I started to hear this weird scratching noise coming from the ceiling. After a brief trip outside I realized that a couple of tree branches needed to be pruned, not a big deal at all, back to unpacking my stuff.

Then I hear the storm door close kind of hard. Not quite a slam but harder than normal closure. Ah ha, he (my brother) is here! I just knew it. So I waited by the front door in the dark entry way, ready to spring into action and do my ninja flip on the light/open the door really fast combo move. So I hear the door open and I flip on the light and pull open the door and there is not a sole there. Now thinking that my brother is not that fast so I thought he brought someone with him to bump up the effect. But I also noticed that his car wasn’t around either. Then I thought I am going to have to go into some sort of countermeasure to catch him. So I turned off the external lights around the house and the lights in the rooms in the back of the house. Then I quietly snuck out the back door into the back yard and out the gate. Quietly I sneak around my own house ready to bust him/them. But there was no one there, anywhere around the house. I walked around the neighborhood and down the alley and I didn’t see anything anywhere. Ok, maybe I am a little paranoid? NAAHHHHH! And back to the house I go.

Once back in the house, I start unpacking stuff again and I hear it again, BAM! The storm door shuts pretty hard again. Ok, now this is bothering me a bit. But never the less, I continue unpacking. Then as I am carrying one box past the entryway (with the front porch lights on) the storm door opened all by itself and it kind of….uuked me. Then it kind of pissed me off, I don’t know why but I was convinced that someone was jacking with me. So I go and load my “home security system”, if you know what I mean, and put it in my pocket. And then I camp out in the dark entry way. You see the front door was a wooden door where the top half was frosted glass. So I could see shapes and stuff but not clearly. So the three of us, me, Smith & Wesson , are just waiting for whatever jack ass it is to open and close the door again. Then I see it, the storm door is opening. I race to the front door, open it as quickly as I could and then realized that it was the freaking wind opening and closing my door because I had not latched it fully and one of those door closing gas piston gismos wasn’t working properly. Yep, felt like a major dipshit. I mean there I am putting my cleaning supplies under the sink with my pistol in my pocket because I am too stupid to recognize wind.

And that wasn’t all. As the night continued on I kept hearing all of these weird noises throughout the house. I even saw a reflection of myself in one of my bathroom mirrors that I forgot was there and damn near unloaded on it. In my defense, it was dark in the bathroom and I didn’t have a mirror in the same place in my apartment that I had lived in for years, so it startled me.

And it took me a few times to realize that the air conditioner made this weird “thunk” nose when it came on. All of these weird noises that I wasn’t used to that you notice when you don’t have a TV on.

But the scariest part is when I decided to go to bed. I’m tired, it’s late and this is a new house. I climb into bed and try to get settled in. Just as I am about to doze off I hear this ssssshhuuuuu kind of whistling sound.

Yep sat right up and said out loud “What the fuck was that!?”. Yeah, no way in hell am I about to just doze off now. It was sort of a low eerie sounding… well, sound. It was almost as if something knew that I was about to go to sleep.

I am racking my brain and I just can’t think of what would make this weird whistling sound.

After a couple of minutes I figure it’s the wind or something and talk myself out of checking every single thing in the house. We don’t want to be ridiculous now do we? Of course we don’t. Now I am getting settled back in the bed and start to laugh at myself for being such a P word.

After a chuckle, I settle in and just about to doze off and … ssssshhhuuuuu.

DAMNIT ALL TO HELL, WHAT IS THAT NOISE!? It sounded like it was in the same room with me. Cue the Ray Parker Jr. song Ghostbusters.

I get my happy ass out of bed and check everything, the laundry room, the kitchen all of the bedrooms, the dining and living room, the game room, everywhere. Inside and out. The last place I needed to check was the mater closet. I even got a chair out of the kitchen and was looking on the upper shelves.

That’s when I felt something and slid it off the shelf. You know, it’s a good thing that I didn’t jump off of the chair and hit my head on something because I don't want the cause of death on my death certificate to say "stupidity". It was this Alfred E. Newman (yeah, the guy from Mad magazine) paper mask. Something about that mask with no eyes startled me. Now I am going to have to figure out which boxes have the clean clothes and toilet paper in them.

So there I am standing on a kitchen chair in my closet with this stupid paper mask in my hands wondering what in the hell this noise is, I take a deep breath as if to say “F it” and exhale through my nose. And it happened again!

That’s when I realized that the sssshhhuuu noise was my freaking nose whistling when I was breathing. Dust caused me to damn near scare the hell out of myself. And I hadn’t been drinking or anything!

Don’t get dead

Pieces of Me

2009-10-16T13:37:00.002-05:00

You cannot put more than one CD into a car single disk player, no matter how drunk you are.

I think people who don’t know if they are coming or going aren’t doing it right.

Today I saw a guy smoking Pall Malls, he looked really good for a thousand years old.

I have come to the realization that the mens room is where all the dicks hang out.

I live in Texas, where it is always pretty warm. Halloween is coming up. I think I am going to give out popsicles. Think about it.

Do you think the phrase “take it like a man” has a different meaning in places like San Francisco?

Could someone explain to me what the saying “There aint a hair on your ass if you don’t…” means and how it proves manliness? What does a hairy ass have to do with being a man?

If everyone is concerned about people between the ages of 14 and 18 getting into drugs, you think they would change high school to something like sober school. The kids are getting confused.

Guns don’t kill people, murders kill people.

If it wasn’t for gravity, I would have the cleanest house in the world.

I have found out that you are not late until they have started without you.

When I get bored I put on a pair of khakis and a red pull over shirt and head down to Target to fuck with people.

How exactly do you shit someone?

Yesterday I went to a store where I saw a handicapped guy parking in one of our parking spots. So I pushed his wheelchair to the back of the parking lot, with my car. If I can’t park in your spots without catching hell, you can’t park in ours!

Don’t get dead

I may be dying right now

2009-10-01T16:38:00.001-05:00

The other day I was flipping through the channels and came across a program on the heart and heart attacks, which was really interesting. There where all kinds of amazing things that they covered in this show. Things about various types of heart disease and heart defects and all kinds of medical stuff that I never knew about.

While watching this show I found out that there is such a thing as a painless heart attack. During this heart attack, as the name explains, you don’t feel any pain. None at all. To the extent that you don’t even know that you are having a heart attack.

Holy shit on a stick, this freaks me out! Why you may ask? Because I am having no pain RIGHT NOW. I am having massive amounts of absolutely no pain. Someone CALL 9-1-1!!!

The show said that people who experience painless heart attacks are going through their day just like always and BOOM, dead as a doornail. Man, that’s jacked up. I mean you didn’t even get a chance to call the medics or anything. What if you had some fun shit to do later that day?

How bad would it suck to spend all of eternity being asked how you died and all you can say is “I don’t know? One minute I was getting ready for a date with these two hot blondes and the next minute I am here with you stiffs.” You didn’t even get a chance to live the dream. That has got to be the ultimate screw job. That would suck royally!

Dayum

Don’t get dead

File this under the “You Got to be Kidding Me” heading

2009-10-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

First there was the mansierre, or “bro” or manbra thing or whatever you want to call it from Sienfeld, which was sort of funny. Then there was the man purse, which still is funny, and now there is the … wait for it … wait for it …

Mantihose!

This can’t be serious, but it is. Seems that a company called Unconditional is manufacturing them and they are being sold in a British department store called Selfridges.

Not only are these the dumbest thing I have heard of in a long time, they are $112 each or a pair or whatever.

Set to debut this week, they are going to be a one-size –fits-all garment. Really? You mean to tell me that you are going to try to sell the same sized item to Michael Jordon, Verne Troyer and George Forman? Maybe I am crazy but I really don’t think it’s going to fit correctly. And speaking of fitting, what about those of us who wear boxers? I doubt highly that this is going to be a sensation of everlasting comfort that I am going to enjoy, even when I’m not going out.

Then they go on to let you know that they come in three colors (black, charcoal & beige), why?

When in the hell would you ever wear these/this item(s) where you would actually let anyone else see it? I don’t even notice the color of socks.

But wait! There’s more! Apparently they are made out of cotton and Lycra, which is designed to keep the fellas nice and toasty on those chilly fall nights. Because let’s face it, if you’re a dude and you’re wearing “Mantihose”, you are alone at night. You damn sure aren’t snuggling up with a woman in bed.

One of the supposed benefits of the “Mantihose” is to create a slimmer silhouette under winter clothes. Yeaaahhh. Because we all know how slim fitting winter clothing is. Nothing says stick figure like a down goose coat.

I doubt even men in Scotland, where it gets cold and they wear dres… uhh, kilts would even consider wearing mantihose.

Nothing says being a man like putting on some pantyhose. Going for a ride on your Harley? Don’t forget your mantihose. Heavy night of drinking and bar hoping with the boys? A Mantihose must! Getting ready to go hunting? Mantihose! Camping with the fellas for the weekend? This calls for mantihose. Is it game day and you’re heading out for some tailgating? Make sure to wear the appropriate color of mantihose.

If this takes off… SHOOT ME!

Don’t get dead

Pieces of Me

2009-09-15T14:25:00.002-05:00

• People hate going to long road trips with me because how often I stop to fill up has a direct correlation to how much fluid I have consumed.

• Why can I wake up 5 minutes before my alarm goes off when I have an early morning tee time, but hit the snooze button over and over again like a Tommy Lee drum solo during the week to get up for work? Because I want to go play golf.

• Why don’t you ever see animal skin clothing/boots with bullet holes in them?

• If you look like you are pregnant, whether you are or not, and you wear skin tight shirts with a half sweater thingy, people are going to ask if you are pregnant. Just realize that when you get dressed.

• When someone tells me that they are going to do some tweaking, I am always disappointed when they don’t start twitching and jerking.

• Why is it that cleaning product companies can’t make a product that kills that last .01% of germs?

• If you shave your head to try to look like a bad ass, be sure to shave your back hair that is going North Korean on your neck. Otherwise you just look like a bad fat guy.

• Just to be clear; bald is a condition, shaved is a hair style.

• I should have named at least one of my kids Theodoucious J Badass. That or Bruce Lee Roy.

• Do you know what comes in brownies? Cub scouts

• How many Viet Nam vets does it take to change a light bulb? YOU DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!

• I overheard someone saying the other day that they were a vegetarian because they couldn’t eat another living thing. Don’t plants live?

• I made a new mixed drink. It’s a shot of tequila in a glass of Carona with 2oz of olive juice. It’s called a Dirty Mexican.

• I am working on a drink called the Kayne West but I can’t figure out how to get a donkey into a bottle.

• The other day I sneezed and farted at the same time. I thought I was deflating.

• I saw a midget in a store earlier. It took every ounce of my being to keep from chasing him yelling “Fe Fi Fo Fum”

• When a DJ says the band name “Hoobastank” I always think it’s Mush Mouth from the Fat Albert cartoons asking who farted.

Don’t get dead

What’s been up with me

2009-09-03T10:44:00.003-05:00

So it’s been a while since I last posted. And the post before that was a while back as well.

So what’s been up with me? I been freaking busy!

Haha, to give you a run down, I sold my house (full price in six days, thank you very much), packed and moved into a rental while I am building a new house, we had a kid a few months back. Baby #3, boy #2. And I changed jobs. Yep, in this time of economic uncertainty I changed jobs.

Speaking of getting a new job, I was reminded of an interview that I had right after I graduated from high school. To give you a little back ground, I grew up in a very small town, we are talking Mayberry here. And since it was such a small town everyone pretty much knew everyone. So there I am, recently graduated from high school, no job and not sure what I was going to do. Being the great parent that my mom was she pretty much pulled a few strings and got me an interview with a local company. The job was pretty much mine, I just had to go to the interview.

But here is the kicker, I didn’t want the job.

I don’t know why, but I just didn’t. But I was going to the interview for my mom. There I am in my suit and tie with my resume heading towards the interview. And I was simply dreading it. Then the little devil guy on my shoulder stopped by.

I get to the interview, check in with the receptionist and wait. When it’s my time I am greeted with a great big smile and a handshake. I hand my resume to the interviewing manager and our interview went a little something like this:

Interviewer: Have a seat

Me: Thanks

Interviewer: I appreciate you coming out on short notice.

Me: No problem, thanks for giving me an interview.

Interviewer: (looking over my resume) Um hmm, yes, so you just graduated from high school?

Me: Yes sir.

Interviewer: Very good. So are you going to go to college?

Me: Well, my plan is to go to school at night so that I can work during the day.

Interviewer: Excellent. So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: (with a straight face) Man, I didn’t kill those people. I wasn’t even there that night.

Interviewer: (jerked and almost threw my resume almost to the ceiling) What?!

Me: Oh, you didn’t know about that. Never mind. Like I said I just graduated and I plan to major in…..

The interview didn’t last much longer.

When I got home I told my mom that I think I nailed it and I was expecting a call any time now. For some reason they chose someone else. I wonder why?

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Why Do SOME Women

2009-08-07T08:45:00.001-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

Why the hell can a guy not just give some women a complement without being accused of hitting on them? I'm a good looking guy work out, eat right, take care of myself set... but sometimes it seems that when I complement someone at work, like my secretary who got a new hair style, or say, what a great dress, or nice shoes, why the hell do they take that sometimes as I'm hitting on them... can't a guy just make a statement without coming off as hitting on them? And i"m 26, not like a creepy old man.

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

First off, it’s because you are a liar. There is no way in a thousand hells you are successful enough to have a secretary and can’t construct a decent sentence. And the receptionist in the building you work in does not count as a secretary. But I will give you credit for, more or less, for using spell check.

Secondly, you are probably creepy as hell. I can just see you there with your name on your shirt touching yourself while you are waiting on a signature and “complementing” them. A hundred bucks says that you are the kind of dude who checks out your cousins at family reunions and is probably a bit proud of it.

And lastly, if you are 26 and take such great care of yourself and you’re NOT trying to pick up women, there is something very wrong with you. That should be just about the only thing on your mind at that age.

I worry about the youth of America.

- Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

Don’t get dead

This place damn sure wasn’t “Cheers”

2009-08-06T10:51:00.001-05:00

Heff, here is one that I think you will enjoy.

Years back, after I graduated high school I got a job working in a bar. Yes, my parents were so proud of me. Like most bars, we had “regulars” and I use the term loosely. This post is about one of those “regulars”.

This guy, who we will call Steve, because his name is Steve (and fuck him he was a pain in the ass and if I knew his last name, phone number, address or social security number I would post it too!), who you could depend on to be in the bar day after day. Steve was an older dude, probably in his early fifties, had sort of long shaggy hair and a very full beard. To say that Steve was an alcoholic would be a vast understatement. Steve’s blood type is Budweiser positive. This guy will never die because he is already preserved, or maybe it’s pickled.

One this one particular evening Steve wasn’t already in the bar when I got to work like he typically was. Even though this guy was the Mount Fuji of pains in the ass, when he wasn’t there you almost missed him. After about an hour or so Steve comes in clean shaven and with a haircut. Just about all of the staff asked Steve simultaneously what was up with the shave and a haircut (two bits!) to which he replied “The judge don’t like long hair”, enough said! It’s kind of hard to tell if an alcoholic got good or bad news by their drinking habits but for the sake of this post we are going to assume that it’s good news.

During the course of the night Steve was sucking back Budweisers like a fat girl at a strip bar, minus the woohoo every 15 seconds. At one point I noticed that Steve was standing in the bar’s game room doorway and asked just about every woman that walked by if they wanted to shoot some pool. I also noticed that Steve had pissed down both legs of his jeans. What dame wouldn’t jump on an opportunity like that?

Five or six hours later I noticed Steve paying his tab and heading towards the door. About an hour later one of the bouncers and I were walking the parking lot and noticed that Steve was passed out in his car, in the back seat on the driver’s side at that. When the bouncer knocked on the glass Steve put his hands out like he was driving and said “I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok”. This is not a good sign. So we take his drunk ass back inside the bar and tell the owner & manager what happened and that we should probably sober him up a bit before we let him leave again. So we lock Steve in the owners office. About an hour later, roughly 1:00 in the morning, Steve is beating on the door screaming let me out over and over again. I go and unlock the door and start to explain to him that we can’t let him go until he sobers up. Steve looks at me and says “No, no, no, I got to go to the bathroom!!!” Right this way mofo.

Of course the bathrooms where on the other side of the bar. So I walk him to the bathrooms so that I could make sure that he didn’t leave the bar. When we get to the bathroom instead of going to a urinal he went into a stall, locks the door and I can see his shoes, his pants and skidded up tighty whiteys around his ankles under the stall door. Then I heard Steve say BBBRRRRRAAAHHHH and fill his pants with vomit. It was about this time that I needed to do something else on the other side of the bar.

I go to the bar where one of the bouncers was hanging out and tell him to keep an eye on the bathroom door for me. A couple of minutes later Steve comes walking out of the men’s room with his pants pulled up and shaking vomit out of his pants leg with every other step. Yep, he puked in the seat of his pants and then put them back on. I almost passed out from laughter.

Ole Chunks of the Loom makes his way to the bar and actually tried to order a beer. As fate with have it the owner of the bar and the manager of the bar walk by as he tries to order and tells the bartender that Steve is cut off and not to serve him. As everyone expects, Steve gets pissed and tries to throw his weight around. What he doesn’t know is that the owner now knows that his office is trashed and his couch smells of the inside of Steve’s bladder. You could safely say that the owner has pretty much had enough of Steve at this point. One thing that I failed to mention is that the owner of the bar was about 8 inches taller that Steve and outweighed him by a good 100 plus pounds. So Steve and the owner exchange words, F yous mostly, and the owner tried to push Steve’s nose out the back of Steve’s head with his fist. Steve lands in the trash can by the bar and even though his eyes where open Steve was out.

We call a cab and get him a ride home.

The next night Steve comes strolling in the bar and I think that the owner is about to charge him like a rhino when Steve asked, “What happened last night?” Steve proceeds to tell us that he woke up in his mom’s bed with her bitching at him, blood all over his face and his pants stuck to him. Laughter erupts throughout the bar.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Where can I find ……

2009-08-05T15:37:00.001-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

Where can I find a 18yo, hot asian, GIRL
nympho, millionare

that will support me and my family

must love old fat dudes

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Judging by your stellar spelling and grammar skills, that’s an easy one. Get your Hawaiian shirt on because you’re going to Fantasy Island. That’s right Mr. Roarke and Tattoo’s dead asses are waiting for you. While you are there you might as well ask that your wife turn bi and realize how much she loves bring in exotic women to satisfy you, that she drop 175 pounds and get breast augmentation, liposuction, a tummy tuck and have her gag reflex removed. That shit probably isn’t going to happen either. But hey why not, if you’re going to dream, dream big right?

You might have had a chance here in the real world if you left out the will support you and your family business. Who am I kidding, you never had a chance.

But if you do happen to run into her, let me know. I got big dreams too! And I know that my wife would love to be taken care of by a millionaire (or a millionare as you put it).

- Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice or with any questions, comments or concerns at DearSweezey@gmail.com. And as always…

Don’t get dead

New Chapters for the book that I am writing

2009-08-03T17:01:00.000-05:00

As some of you know I am writing a book, and I will give you guys a sneak peek into my future best seller. The book that I am writing is a how to book but not just any how to book, this book is how to be an a-hole.

If you mash here and here you can see some of the other chapters of the book. Not that I would advise anyone to actually go out and do anything even remotely close to stuff like this…

You just got to hit people where they are vulnerable.

Here are some of the excerpts of the book

The next time you are in a rental car do the next renter a favor and preset all of the stations, preferably to something like the underground garage band station. Set them all to the same god-awful station.

While we are on the subject of rental cars and radios, go ahead and crank that radio wide open and then turn the power off. That way the next time someone goes to listen to the radio they can hear it. If you want to go the extra mile glue the volume knob in the max volume position if said radio has a power button other than the volume knob.

The next time you go to dinner and you have eaten everything on your plate except for maybe a bone or just a very small morsel of food, ask your server for a to-go box, then ask them if they can box it up for you.

If you are eating with someone who has a straw in their drink and they just happen to leave the table for a short period of time, such as to go to the bathroom, either take their straw out of their drink or take another straw and tie a knot in one end of the straw. Place the end of the straw back into their drink.

The next time you are out to eat in a restaurant that has table service, every time the waiter comes by and asks if you want a refill, change your drink order. Go from Coke to Dr. Pepper. Then from Dr. Pepper to Diet Coke. Then really screw with them, change it to a drink of a different color. Go from Diet Coke to Iced Tea, then from Iced Tea to Sprite. I don’t know why, but this seems to really piss them off.

If you so happen to be in a restaurant where they ask you if you want something such as fresh grated cheese on your food tell them yes and don’t stop them. If they stop tell them that you want more. Once there is a ridiculous mound of cheese on your food or when they run out of cheese, take a bite and send it back. Tell them that it taste funny and that you want another one. If they are brave enough to ask you if you want fresh grated cheese on your food tell them oh god no, you can’t stand that stuff.

Speaking of eating, hang out by a weight watchers and ask women who come out of there when they are due and reach out as if you were going to touch their belly.

Walk out of a building that has a lot of door traffic like a mall or a busy office building. Once outside look up at the sky and say “Oh my god!” and just keep looking up. Once a crowd has gathered and people are trying to see what you are looking at, quietly walk away.

Find a bill changer in a busy place such as a mall or airport. Every time someone walks by take a single and make change, when the change drops loudly exclaim “I WON! I WON!” When someone comes over to see what you are doing look at them and say “this machine is hot!” then make change again.

If for any reason you happen to be a boat such as a ferry or a dinner cruise or something like that and you can get a cup of ice, make your way to the front of the boat, throw an ice cube in the water and scream “ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD!!” and get into a brace position.

While in the airport, walk up to some, anyone, preferably someone who is a different size than you are and start squirming like you had an accident. Ask them if you can borrow some underwear “because… you know!” When they tell you no, loudly say “come on man, I know that you are holding!” and point to their suitcase. When they walk away loudly say “Oh now you don’t know me?! You sure did last night!”

Any time you are sitting across from someone but not in close proximity, be it in a meeting, at a bar or similar setting, continually rub/wipe your nose while looking at someone else as if to notify them that they have something hanging out of their nose. Do it over and over again. See how many times you can get them to try to remove it before they get pissed.

Any time that you are leaving a place at the same time as someone else but going to different cars ask them a question that starts out coheirent and tail off into some sort of gibberish. Such as “Hey, are we going to head over to hehsehawgwehwew?” When they say “What?” Say “Are you and I going to go over to hewupseisedbenese?” See how many times you can get them to ask you what you said. This works best if you are going to different cars not parked near each other. If you really want to kick the a-hole up a notch talk quieter as you start with the gibberish.

While at work, go into the can and find a stall that is open but has someone in the next stall. Close the door, make yourself comfortable and start to sing show tunes. My personal favorite is a big grunt followed by “OOOOOOKLAHOMA!”

Get into an elevator that has other people in it. About four works best. And the taller the building the better. Once in the elevator press the button for one of the lower floors. Then say out loud to yourself “Oh, I really should go to (a slightly higher floor) first” and push the button for that floor. Then say out loud to yourself “oh they are on (an even slightly higher floor) now” and push that floors button. Keep this up for as long as you can then say something like “oh screw it” and get off on your original floor when the elevator stops there.

This one takes a little prep work but it is usually well worth it. Take a couple of sheets of toilet paper and smear some peanut butter on it (crunchy or smooth) and just hold it in your hand. Go into a restroom where someone is in a stall already. Go into the stall next to them, get comfortable, and after a minute or two let the other person (assuming that they haven’t left already) hear you getting some toilet paper. Then simply toss the toilet paper with the peanut butter on it just out of your reach under the stall wall. Stick your hand under the wall and say “little help!” Extra points if you hit their shoe with it.

Take three or four sheets of paper and tape them end to end. Go to your fax machine and send someone a fax. Once the first sheet comes out of the fax machine, tape the top of it to the bottom of the last sheet making a loop and let it send for as long as you want. Extra points if you have typed up a nice little message on the pages. Double points if you filled each page with the message. This will be a huge fax that will take forever to print on their end, possibly wasting tons of paper and toner. Don’t forget about the other real faxes that will be waiting in queue for it to complete.

Speaking of office a-holeness, take a fine tip sharpie like those new pen sharpies and just put a couple of random dots on someones monitor. This is very effective for people who are in documents or e-mail all day.

Probably my favorite is the next time you are walking in a public place, such as a mall or touristy place, and someone passes you going the same direction look at them and loudly say “NO! I don’t want any candy! And leave my butt alone!” this works best when the guy saying it is passed by another male.

Don’t get dead

2009-07-24T10:58:00.002-05:00

Most of you who know me know that I am a big fan of music, all music pretty much. But the other night at dinner I heard some of the most god-awful country music with a blatant praise of a lack of any sort of social acceptance. I don’t recall the name of the song or any of the lyrics at this point but I do remember that it was signing about things like living in trailers and having to struggle though life like it’s a good thing, almost scoffing at one for being successful. It made that redneck woman song sound like a lullaby. And from what I could tell it appeared to be a hit. I got nothing against country music, I like it, well some of it.

Anyway, I thought I would help out some of the country music song writers and give them a little head start with some country music song titles that seem to fit the trend.

Song titles like:
“My House and My Wife (Are Double Wide)”
“Yes, Your Honor”
“Hey Watch This!”
“Your Love Gave Me a Rash”
“Dirt Road Romeo”
“Plowboy Confessions”
“Dirty Fingernails and a Dirty Mind”
“In a Van Down by the River”
“T Tops and T Backs”
“Drive-Thru Window Rapunzel”
“Fishin’ and Wishin’ (That You’d Come Back)”
“You’re the Little Plastic Ring That Holds This Six Pack Family Together”
“I Can’t Paddle Upstream Without You”
“(Roll Bar or Toolbox) I Just Can’t Decide”
“I Wanna Go Fishing, But You’re The One with Worms”
“The Jerry Springer Show Just Called”
“I’m In Love with a Truck Stop Waitress”
“F You, F150”
“Even My Dog Hates Me”
“Say Hello to My Future (Ex-Wife)”
“I Drive a 30-Year Old Truck and Live in a Mobile Home but I’m Saving Up For a Harley”
“Can You Bring A Deer Rifle To The Zoo?”
“Chuck E. Cheese, Mickey Mouse, Same Thing”
“It’s The First of the Month, Wal-Mart Here I Come”
“Shotgun Shells and Wedding Bells”
“NASCAR and an Open Bar (I’ve Died and Gone to Heaven)”
“Catfish and Dog Fights”
“The Landlord Can Kiss My Ass, The Beer Man’s Got My Cash”
“Everyone Is Your Friend Until the Tab Comes”
“Testing the Shocks on My Truck”
“The Dog Is On the Chain, Come On Over”
“Three Kings (Earnhardt, Williams Jr. & Foxworthy)”
“Just Got Paid and I’m Still Broke”
“Can You Duct Tape a Broken Heart?”
“A Waffle House with a View”
“It’s Only Illegal If You Get Caught”

Just a thought.

Don’t get dead

Drive-Thru Safari

2009-07-22T12:28:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend last weekend, the wife and I loaded up the family in the family cruiser and made our way to the Fossil Rim Wildlife Center (and buffet) in lovely Glen Rose, TX.

This place is just exactly like it sounds like. You drive down this trail and see tons of animals freely roaming this big fenced in area. I think the trail is a little over nine miles long and the speed limit is like 10 or 15 mph. So the trip takes you a couple of hours if you stop and get pictures and feed the animals. Of course you can’t get out of the car and were told many, many, MANY times not to get out of the car.

In the area there is also a state park where you can see/play in fossilized dinosaur footprints along with a place called Dinoworld that has life sized replicas of dinosaurs. Not far from all of this is a nuclear power plant that you can tour and did I mention that Glen Rose is not far from Stephenville, where last year people saw UFOs. We were an Elvis sighting away from hitting the weird shit lottery!

Back to the drive-thru safari and speaking of the nuclear power plant, there are signs all over the trail that says if you hear the emergency sirens go off to turn your radio to a particular radio station for information due to a “nuclear emergency”. If I hear the sirens go off you can come dig your animals out of the grill of my car in my driveway. My car would look like a hillbilly’s truck on the first day of hunting season with no limit.

There is a small gift shop kind of thing at the start of the trail where you buy tickets and they have some snacks and souvenirs and whatnot there. In case you aren’t sure, it is like every other place where you take it right up the ass on souvenirs for the kids. And about halfway through the trail there are bathrooms, a restaurant, souvenir shop and a petting zoo. Just a word to the wise, pack a cooler! $30 freaking bucks for a few sandwiches. But there is no other option and trust me, when it’s 100+ degrees outside and you got some hungry kids in the car with another hour of slow moving traffic, you will shell out the 6 sawbucks too!

Oh, one other thing, at the place where you buy your tickets you can purchase a bag of food to feed the animals. But there is a catch, you can only feed certain animals and they have a flyer of the animals that they don’t want you to feed at all. Thing is, damn near every animal but the giraffe and the zebra look just like this damn animal. I didn’t know what to or not to feed. Oh, speaking of giraffes and zebras keep this straight, you can hand feed the giraffes but do NOT feed the zebras by hand. It kind of freaks out the kids if you call a zebra a mo-fo and punch it like that scene from “Conan the Barbarian” where he punches the camel and knocks it out.

Of course we got a bag of food for the critters. But they have some rule where you can only buy one bag of food per car per day or something like that. And yeah, we almost ended up with an entry for “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. I was tossing some critter chow on the ground near our car to get some sort of horned thing to get it close enough so that I could get some decent pictures of it when I guess it noticed the bag of food and thought to hell with these few pieces on the ground I will just eat straight out of the of bag. So he stuck his head in the car and I was feverishly trying to roll up the wrong window. Yeah, it sounded like a girl screamed…

This place also offers guided photo safaris, which I thought I saw but it just turned out to be some dumbasses standing up in the back of a truck. You see this place has some seriously steep hills and what goes up must come down. And it looked to me like it was at the same angle. Yep, they almost got dumped out of the bed of the truck. And I saw where they have night tours so that you can see the nocturnal creatures at play.

This place would be fun as hell if you got together with a bunch of your friends and were hammered. Well, with a sober driver of course. Oh and not in my car! I guess that’s why they kept telling everyone to make sure to stay in your car. Let me explain something to the workers there, the last thing my ass wants to do is to get gored by some animal when it’s 109 degrees outside and lay on the smoldering concrete bleeding and burning until the medics get there. I got no interest in being a human hibachi.

Someone told me that they actually had a safari like in Africa, where you hunt the animals. That’s kind of messed up isn’t it? These animals are confined to a small area by a chain link fence. Isn’t that like going fishing at SeaWorld?

Don’t get dead

Question of the day - 7/14/2009

2009-07-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

Action Movies

Forget the never ending amount of ammunition and the ability to continuously overcome insurmountable odds. And I won’t even touch on how there can be a major fight with explosions, people diving everywhere, dodging bullets and/or getting punched in the gut and face yet their hair never moves. Nope, won’t go into that. What I want to know is how is it that the small, sometimes just one guy, group of heroes in action movies are ALWAYS better shots than the huge armies of bad guys that they are fighting? Even when the good guys are shooting from the hip and the bad guys are taking aim. What’s up with that?

Don’t get dead

The shitif haf hitif the fanif

2009-07-09T12:58:00.001-05:00

The other day as I was in Pamplona running in front of the bulls, or maybe I was on my couch watching the movie Airplane – I often get those two confused, I got to thinking about some of the sayings that you hear in society and how some of them just don’t make sense.

Stuff like “his elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor” I got. And “not the brightest bulb in the box” I got that one too. Sayings like those are pretty easy to figure out. The ones that I am talking about are the ones where the mental picture or description has nothing to do with what the phrase means.

For example “the shit has hit the fan”, I know that it means things have gotten really bad but where did that saying come from? What is the collation between excrement and a fan? And is it bad because of the shit or because of the fan? And are we talking about a ceiling fan, a box fan, an oscillating fan or one of those hand held fans? Or maybe it’s a completely different kind of fan, like a person who cheers for a sports team. Maybe it is one of those kinds of fans. While we are on our little fact finding mission, is it human shit or cow shit or dog shit? I’m not sure why but I think it matters what kind of shit it is.

And why shit? I mean come on, you could use a lot of things to get the point across, but shit? That’s nasty. You could say the sugar free Jello instant pudding has hit the fan or the guacamole has hit the fan, the mud has hit the fan, the oil has hit the fan, the transmission from a 1972 Mercury Cougar has hit the fan. Any of those would get the point across. And if it has to be something from the body, why not the snot has hit the fan? Or blood, I mean you start talking about blood flying around and people are going to know that it is a bad situation. And who is going to clean it up?

Then there is this little piece of literary genius “going to see a man about a horse”. What in the hell does that have to do with taking a leak? Are you going to see a man about if the horse is fully hydrated? Or you got some weird sick bestiality thing going on? You know what horses do to carrots don’t ya? CHOMP! Cut you off at the quick.

Speaking of horses and dumbass sayings “got to pee like a Russian race horse”, I know what it means but why a Russian race horse? Something special about race horses in Russia that has to do with peeing? Why not a Swedish race horse? Or an Australian race horse? This some sort of cold war insult or something? And why a horse? I mean, yeah they are big animals but you ever see a cow pee? You better get a couple of mops to clean that up. And if you going for an animal that is big why not an African Elephant? Or a Beluga Whale? Ever see one of those fuckers? They are pretty big too. I guess maybe a Sperm Whale would be a better choice.

Another one is “drop it/you/them like a bad habit”. Anyone out there got a bad habit like smoking, popping your knuckles or talking with food in your mouth? They are hard as hell to drop. So this phrase makes no sense. You know what if you hear someone say this in public, go ahead and junk punch them. You have my permission (except me because I might say it from time to time!).

I heard someone say that it was “hot as balls” outside the other day. I don’t even know how to address this.

Another one would be “shit eating grin”. Shouldn’t that be shit eating gag? Who would grin while eating shit? And why would you grin? Are you supposed to be proud to be eating that? I don’t think I could stop throwing up if I ever did that.

And why so many sayings about shit?

What about this classic, “colder than a witch’s tit” which is sometimes accompanied by “in a brass bra”. I have heard people say that it’s “colder than a well digger’s ass”, that I get. I mean go dig a deep hole and see how the temperature changes. But I digress. And maybe it’s just me but I always thought that brass was kind of heavy, so why would anyone wear a bra made out of it? That can’t be comfortable or look good. And what does a witch have to do with it? They have some sort of lower body temperature or something? I don’t personally know any witches, but I know a lot of bitches, which has got to be pretty damn close and the only thing cold about them is their heart, not their tits.

Don’t get dead

The Mall

2009-07-01T18:50:00.001-05:00

The other day I went to the mall with my family, why you may ask. Because I am a sadist or masochist or which ever one likes to be tortured. You see, not only was it about 1,000 degrees outside but the mall we were going to is very popular so it was a double dumbass day at the mall.

Just to give you a little peep into what was going to make this mall trip so much fun, my 3 year old son thought it would be a good idea to color instead of taking a nap like we told him too. But he didn’t color in a book. Nope he colored on himself, with a permanent marker none the less. There he is with his free hand tribal tats, all over his arms and legs. Thank god he didn’t go Mike Tyson on us and do his face too.

We tried to get it off of him but the best we could do was to make it fade a little bit. Wanna guess what it looked like? It looked like we force fed him about a half dozen Whataburgers, three pots of black coffee and a couple of jars of jalapenos then kept him out of the bathroom for a couple of days. The boy was a mess.

To make a long story shorter, while spending the afternoon at the mall we decided to get something to eat at the food court. As we are making our way to the food court I see a girl that I could best describe as a beefy suicide girl. The family makes their way to get something to eat, I wanted something from a different place, and I go find a table for us. When they get to the table I get my son to go over to their table, point to his arms and legs and say “Nice Ink”. Did you know that a human can shoot a mouthful soft taco a good 15 feet when they begin to laugh? And she got a pretty good spray too!

About the time that I found a table my kids see the vending machines and claw games that are in the food court and want to go play them. I had some change and didn’t care of they blew it trying to get a stuffed animal or something like that. What I didn’t know is that my son found the Hyper Mega Super Ball machine and used the change I gave him to buy one. This ball is not quite the size of a baseball but bigger than a golf ball. What I also didn’t know is that he realized that we were on the third floor of the mall. As I was watching him and just about the time I said “Oh no, surely he’s not going to…” this is when I learned that my son has one hell of an arm. He hurled that ball over the rail. I saw it make one bounce and then heard a lot of people yelling. Ooops! Do you have any idea how fast a 3 year old can haul ass back to the table when they realize that they have made a mistake?

As I said before I wanted to get something to eat from a different place than the rest of my family so I go and make my way to the restaurant that I want to eat at and get in line. Just as if someone had scripted it, this older woman and her (I guess) son get behind me in line. When it gets to be mine turn I tell the guy what I want and make my way down the line, just like most people with common sense. This lady is asking what everything is, what’s in it and so on. You could just see the guy behind the counter wanted to stab her in the eye with a spork. Since there were so many people in the mall that day there was a bit of a line. When it got to be my turn to pay I get out my card, hand it to the guy behind the counter and then grab a bottle of hot sauce and start to pour some onto my food. About the time the guy is handing me my card back the question lady asks me “What’s that?” and I simply could not resist. I reply to her “I don’t know, but it makes my poop funny colors. Burns like hell too” and just walked away.

Don’t get dead

Coming Soon!

2009-06-16T14:59:00.001-05:00

I have not written in so long that it is pathetic. I have so much to write about but so little time to do so. There are so many things going on in my life right now.

I hope to have some entertaining reading for you all soon, keep your eyes peeled.

Don’t get dead

What’s in a name?

2009-05-13T16:16:00.002-05:00

I am notorious for never carrying cash. So I pay for everything with a credit card or debt card. After some time of using my credit card I began to realize that no one ever checks to see if what you sign on the receipt is the same as what’s on the card. Most of the time they never even ask to see an ID. So I have had cards that were not signed on back or I have written “Please ask for ID” on the back and nothing. Sometimes they will flip it over but even when they do they are just going through the motions.

What got me started on this whole signature thing is that I used to have a friend named Kevin whose legal signature is a capital K with three circles around it. It was on his drivers license and everything. One day we were at lunch and he signed the receipt the way he always does and the waitress was giving him a hard time about it. He made the comment later that they usually don’t even look. So I decided to test this.

I started by writing my name really sloppy, this got no response. Then I signed my name where it looked like a heart monitor and they still took it. Then I decided to have some fun. I have pretty good handwriting so the next time I signed a credit card I signed it “Richard Roundtree”. That’s right “Shaft” signed for my gas that day. Not even a second glance. And I don’t know what I felt if it was shock or surprise or disgust or what but I had an emotion and I thought surely this didn’t just happen. So I went to another store and went in to buy a drink, this time I signed the slip “Richard Nixon”, nothing. So I thought maybe I’ll try this one more time. The next time I used my card I signed very clearly “Richard Pryor” thinking that surely the name would jump out but I was wrong again.

So I was thinking that maybe I am signing a little too close to my name and thought maybe I need the signature to be a little more different than my name. So the next time I signed a credit card receipt I signed it “Mama Cass”, that’s right a very large female singer who died in the 70’s bought some fertilizer at the Lowes by my house. And she bought it without question.

Now the a-hole in me comes out and I decide to start signing all kinds of things. I signed one “Tommy Lee” and got not even as much as a glace. Then “Dale Ernhardt” bought dinner for my family one night. Vicente Fox, that’s right the former president of Mexico, bought me lunch one day. As did John Holmes (why not right?), Luke Skywalker, Muammar Gaddafi, Napoleon Bonaparte (yes, the French leader who died in the 1800s) and J. G. Wentworth.

Matter of fact, Harry Potter picked up a prescription for me at a local drug store. That’s right a fictional character picked up my drugs. You would think that would set off some red flags with the DEA or something.

One time I signed “Billie Jean King” when I bought a baseball cap. Yes, apparently I am a female tennis player too!

The list goes on and on. Being in Texas I thought that when I signed “Troy Aikman” that I might get a look, nope. Then I started to mold my signatures to someone I thought the people behind the register would know. There was a very country looking woman checking me out at the mall one day and never noticed that I signed my name “Hank Williams Jr”.

Then I just said the hell with it and went nuts. First it was “Peter Paul and Mary”, yes all three of them. Then “Peter Pan” didn’t even get a chuckle. And then “Ozzy Osbourne”, “Babe Ruth”, “Lightning McQuenn” (from the movie Cars), “The Man from Uncle”, “That Guy” and even “Harley Davidson” got no response. From there I signed my name as “Roscoe P. Coletrane”, “Santa Clause”, “Jumping Jack Flash” and “James Bond”. I was sure that signing “Michael Jordan” would get a raised eyebrow at the least but it didn’t. Who know that I could be confused for a 6’6” African American man?

I continued with “Hulk Hogan”, “Philmore Butts”, “George Washington”, “Buzz Lightyear”, “Mr. T.”, “Tiger Woods”, “Rocky Balboa”, “Edgar Allan Poe”, “Uncle Fester”, “Count Chocula”, “Humpy Hump”, “Humpty Dumpty”, “Axl Rose”, “Mr. Brownstone”, “Eddie Van Halen”, “Darth Vader”, “Jason Bourne”, “Felix the Cat”, “Monty Python”, “Monty Hall”, “Malcolm in the Middle”, “Bill Gates”, “Papa Roach”, “Papa John”, “Flava Flav”, “Elvis Presley”, “Michael Myers”, “Jason Voorhees” and just to change it up a little bit “Fred E. Krueger”. And nobody said a damn word.

I even signed “Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor”. The freaking Queen of England didn’t even get a second look.

But today had to be the worst, today I picked up some lunch and signed the receipt “Jesus Christ”. Has to be the most recognized name in the world and the guy never even looked up to see what I looked like.

I think next time I am just going to take off my shoe and sign with my foot.

Don’t get dead.

Things that you can kiss good-bye when you have children

2009-05-12T17:58:00.002-05:00

Recently a few other guys around here and I have had children. For some of us (me) it is not a first child. And since it’s not a first child I thought that I would share a few things with other new and new again dads that they will need to know.

Your life has changed and as far as I can see it will never be the same again. As I said before this isn’t our first child but we had just pushed some of these memories out of our brains just in time for them to come flying back.

Remember when you used to just pick up and go somewhere? Oh well, that wont be happening again. Nope, even a trip to the drug store now requires an event coordinator and if you think you are going to go on a long trip on a whim you are sadly mistaken.

Speaking of travel, every trip you make now requires luggage. Going to see your parents? Pack a bag. Going out to eat? Pack a bag. Going to the mall? Pack a bag. Going to get gas? Pack a bag. And this bag isn’t for you, well indirectly it is. You now need a bag that rivals what paramedics carry to a crash scene. This bag, the diaper bag, will have everything from diapers, creams, pastes, changes (plural) of clothes, back up pacifiers, blankets, bottles, first aid kids, medicines, anti-gas medicine, teething aids, toys, socks, garbage bags and on and on and freaking on.

Something else that just hauled ass out of your life is quiet. Quiet just took a one way trip to as far away from where you are as possible. And when you think it is back it does a 180 with absolutely no notice. If you are reading this and even thinking about starting a family I suggest that you go home tonight, turn off everything that makes a sound and anything that emits light and just sit in the dark and quiet. After you have done that, cherish it because you will NEVER have that experience again.

Are you one of those people who like to walk around in your house barefooted or in socks? That’s a damn shame. That’s gone too. Kids love to drop stuff but could care less about picking up anything. I hate the man who invented Legos, just sayin. Do you have any idea what it feels like to step on/kick a baby toy? Trust me, it’s not gellin like a Dr. Scholes shoe insert. And if it’s not something hard, it’s something liquid in some form. I quit trying to guess what I stepped in because the answer usually gave me the quivers.

Remember when you used to be able to walk around your house at night with the lights off? It’s just a distant memory now. If you children are like mine they like to booby-trap every room in the house. It’s like they can see where the carpet is wearing down and they strategically place things there when I go to bed. I have no idea if they can tell exactly where I put my feet or if they are just playing the odds but they are good.

Have a rough week and think you are going to sleep in a little on Saturday? You would be wrong. You are going to be damn lucky to sleep at night, hell you are going to be lucky to sleep at all.

Do you have a favorite TV show or a fan of watching movies on TV? You better go buy a TiVo then or you won’t be watching them. At least not with out many, many, many interruptions you won’t. I have to TiVo the news if I want to see it.

After about six weeks or so the washing machine won’t stop running either. I have no idea how they get something on everything that you put on them but they do. Oh and one word of advice, if you aren’t absolutely positive that something is clean, wash it. You know what, even if you are sure it’s clean, wash it anyway.

Try as you might, even with all of the washing that you are going to do but staying healthy just isn’t in the plans any more either. You kid will get every cold, stomach bug, infection that is out there. And since they are kind and giving little soles, you will get it too!

Along the lines of being a 24 hour laundry mat and getting to know your local medical staff very closely you might as well take what savings you have now, make paper airplanes with it, open a window and throw them right out of it. At least that way you get to have some fun with it.

If those bills weren’t enough, if you happen to have a coupe car or single cab truck, I hope you aren’t emotionally attached to it. You should probably start calling it the trade-in now.

Years ago it was my Friday ritual to cook out when I got home from work. Nothing felt as good as drinking a beer while grilling a steak as the potatoes are baking in the over. Now you are going to have to crack open a side of strained peas or vegetable medley with that steak and in a couple of years it will be Spaghetti-Os. If you think you are going to cook one meal for everyone you are the supreme optimist.

But the most important thing that you can send a “Thinking about you” card to is privacy. Once they get mobile they WILL be everywhere. Remember those nights of untamed passion that lasted for hours? I sort of remember them too, distantly. Man you will be lucky to get a quicky while making absolutely no noise at all ,in complete darkness because the sound of your child's voice crying “MOMMY!!!” outside the bedroom door is the ultimate mood killer. I swear they have a sixth sense. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I have not had a shower without an audience in four years. Our bathroom door doesn’t lock and no matter what time I try to get a shower when I get in I am alone but at some point during the shower my bathroom got transferred into a toddler art museum. I swear I am not trying to scar them but I got to get a shower.

I know that there are others that I am forgetting but I think the kids are asleep so I am going to…. never mind.

Don’t get dead

This place has atmosphere like a mofo!

2009-05-05T10:57:00.001-05:00

Over the weekend I was making some fried rice and as I am standing in the kitchen listening to the oil in the wok sizzle and cutting up some food I was reminded of something.

Years back I lived in the Washington D.C. area. One day my roommate and I where going to a local 7-11 store to pick up some frosty cool beverages to toast a Friday night with. This particular 7-11 was in one of those strip centers and right next to it was a Chinese food restaurant named “The Myoung Dong Café”, I shit you not. Regardless of how it is spelled, to me, that reads my young dong. So as we are getting out of the car to go into the 7-11 the doors of the restaurant come flying open and two women literally come rolling out of the doors each with a handful of the others hair. It looked like something out of a movie, it was just too perfect. So of course we stopped to watch. After bitchslap-o-paloosa was over my roommate and I decided that we had to check this place out sometime. Come on, who could pass up something like that!

A couple of weeks or so later we went in on a Saturday to have lunch and after we got seated we started making small talk with the hostess. During which we mentioned the fight we saw. To make a long story a bit shorter it turns out that fights on the weekends at this place are fairly common. Talk about great advertising! Food and entertainment at any given moment, hell yeah we told our friends about this place. But anyway, back to the story. So while talking with the hostess she tells us that it is a family owned, run and staffed place which sometimes is catalyst for some of the fights and so on, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends and so on come up to make a scene. She continues and points out her relatives and tells us that only a couple of people, mainly busboys where not family. So her mom and dad run the register, her cousins and an older brother are the cooks (who you could see through these big windows in the kitchen), brothers and sisters and an aunt or uncle or two are the other wait staff and so on.

A short while later our waiter brings us our menus, takes our drink orders and pours us some hot tea. The roommate and I start to shoot the breeze and check out the place. There was a bar in the back, the cooks are chopping up meat and people are coming and going and so on. All of which sort of faded into the back ground as we began to look at our menus. But I do recall the fait sound of the cooks cutting up meat in the back ground, it sounded like the drum line for Guns N Roses’ “Paradise City”. You could hear it, boom, chop, boom chop, boom, chop, boom chop over and over again. Then it happened.

The next thing I hear is this loud primal grunt followed by some barking and more grunting. Remember earlier I told you about the family who worked in the place and how you could see the cooks through the windows? Well what our hostess didn’t tell us about was her cousin who is a cook also has Turrets Syndrome.

He let loose with all sorts of noises, my roommate and I looked at each other with silver dollar eyes, decided that it was time to bounce and hauled ass. I had to have the biggest “oh shit” expression on my face and I’m not sure but I might have actually said “feet don’t fail me now”.

Now I am by no way making fun of anyone with this illness but you either have to let people know that ahead of time or don’t let him cook or something. Look, I am from a small town where the rumor mill runs wild and people believe EVRYTHING. And it just so happens that the first Chinese food restaurant in my home town happened to be back door to back door from one of the oldest vets in town, I’m just saying. Rumors get around.

Later we found out that they moved him into the kitchen because he had an episode where he barked at a couple of women while taking their order.

Every weekend that place was packed with all of our friends.

Don’t get dead

Chick Magnet

2009-05-01T13:32:00.001-05:00

You know how some guys always have women around them? And how some guys meet women everywhere they go? And how some guys seem like they can’t get women to leave them alone? Well I am one of those guys. Yep, I am a chick magnet. Except that they are all crazy! Okay, maybe not ALL of them are crazy but a lot of them for sure.

Maybe I should change the name of this post to “Crazy Magnet” because it’s not just women. But for the most part it is.

I don’t know what it is but there must be some pheromone that I release that attracts wackos. Like the other day, I was leaving a parking lot with my ticket and money in hand. I hand the ticket to the lady in the little booth, she tells me how much I owe her for parking, I give her some money and as I am waiting for my change she says, “Can I ask you a question?” while she is tugging on her shirt. So I am thinking hell yeah, I am about to get to see some boobs so I say “sure” and she proceeds to ask me a thousand questions about why some dude earlier in the day would bitch her out about having to pay to park. And she goes on and on about how security at the place wouldn’t help her and she didn’t know if she should call the police and on and on. All the while I am holding my hand out waiting for my change. After telling her “I dunno” about 733,232,883,382 times I look in the rearview mirror and see a line of cars waiting to get out of the parking lot behind me. I am trying to be nice because people because if I am an a-hole to everyone all the time someone is going to gut me. Finally I just wish her good luck and say that I am holding up the other people wanting to get out and that I should go. I started to tell her to just keep the damn change and drive off but she hadn’t let the arm thing up so that I could drive off yet.

Then there was this girl that I used to hang out with some, she held the crazy crown. To give you a little background, I like to cook and I was talking to her at work one day about making something that needed flour but I didn’t have any and I wasn’t going to the grocery store just to pick up flour, because I am lazy like that. Well I went to the bar after work and came home to my apartment, in a very large complex, to find a nice bag of white powder on my door knob. Do you have any idea what a big Ziploc bag of white powder looks like? Yeah, it looks like I got friends in Columbia. WTF was she thinking?! Like I need problems with the cops. And then one time she was calling me to see what I was doing and I told her some BS excuse and that I was about to head out the door. A couple of minutes later she called back and I told her I was leaving very soon. A third call later I decided that I wasn’t going to answer it and let my voicemail get it. Want to take a guess who it was? Yeah, she was calling me from the parking lot of my apartments. That’s the day I got caller id! But the icing had to be the day that she was telling me that she had to take pills to go to sleep. Okay, that happens to lots of people. Then she told me that she had to take pills to wake up in the morning….. yeah, I had to distance myself from that one.

One night I am hanging out in a pool hall/bar with a buddy of mine and I started chatting with our waitress in an effort to try to get good service. Hey look kissing up = good service and I don’t want to wait a half hour for a beer I ordered. So I say to the waitress “Aww, your dimple is cute” because it looked like she had one dimple on her cheek. She replied to me with, “It’s a scar.” Ok, point taken, don’t talk about it. So I give her a nice tip and she is on her way. Not two minutes later she comes back to the pool table we were on and says “I got into a fist fight with my boy friend and he hit me in the face with a rose bush”. Let’s examine this statement for a minute. You said boyfriend, not ex-boyfriend, which means your retarded ass is still with him. And you said a rose BUSH? Not a rose, but the whole damn plant? And it was fist fight? Dayum! That’s a nutty broad if ever there was one. But she kept coming back to me to tell me more and more about it. I couldn’t get her to stop! She was like the wikipedia of domestic violence.

And then there was the late night visitor.

While in college I used to work at a bar, one night this chick came in and was drunk off her ass, shocking I know. We started talking and she asked me what time I got off work. I told her not until after closing. She gives me her number and tells me that I should call her if I want certain favors but that it would have to be that night because her kids where home already asleep and the next day was visitation day at the prison that her husband was in. Well give me the phone! That’s sarcasm people.

But there are tons of people who come up to me and just start to tell me crazy shit.

Once in my younger days and while riding around with this girl at the beach she yells, “STOP!” not knowing why I did. She jumps out of the car, runs over to this other car and beats the shit out of this girl in another car, runs back to my car and says, “Okay, let’s go to the hotel”. How about F-You honey. I am not going to be an accomplice to your nutty ass.

But possibly the best was while living in Tampa. I was new to the area made friends with some people who I THOUGHT where normal. They kept telling me about this girl that they thought would be perfect for me. They tell me that they want to give her my number and I didn’t care if they did. The next day I get a call from this girl and we are chatting and things seem normal when the phone call gets interrupted with this recording that says something like this call is coming from a state correctional facility and is subject to monitoring. Do what?! Come to find out she was in the looney bin because she liked to cut herself. She said it felt good.

Oh and this one girl said that she wanted to die to see what it felt like, but I shouldn’t worry because the paramedics would bring her back.

Another girl walked up to me in downtown D.C. and said that she would pay me $5k to go kill her boyfriend. I had never seen this girl before in my life. She was talking to me like we had known each other forever.

A girl I used to date was telling me how she was possessed and the very detailed story that came with it. Let me clarify this, she told me it then we broke up! She also used to put mayo in her hair and layout in the sun because somebody told her it would make her hair blond or was good for it or something. She also used to “attempt suicide” for attention.

Then there was the girl who was with a group of friends at Applebee’s one night and thought that the Jackalopes where real animals. Same girl went to the bathroom but came right back because she didn’t have change. Apparently she saw a wooden sign that had “Pay Toilet 5 cents” painted on it. She saw it on the back wall of the stall. You see she thought you had to pay to get out. Okay, maybe that’s more dumbass than crazy, but it’s very close!

The list goes on and on. Crazy homeless people-o-plenty!

And it’s not just women. So dude wanted me to help him jumpstart his car one day, it was flooding. No, you see water and electricity are not friends.

Don’t get dead

Slow your roll!

2009-04-20T23:13:00.001-05:00

I don’t know if this is genius or sad but with the energy drink epidemic someone has come out with a “relaxation” drink, yeah the anti energy drinks. Its catchy little name is “drank”.

So knowing how stupid most of our society is, will this be the new “thing” or is it the new Pepsi Clear/New Coke? I can see legions of morons drinking this to be cool. And where do most people want to be seen? In their cool cars. Yeah, think the developers thought this one out? Let’s see, a drink that makes you sleepy that you can pick up in a gas station for a long night of cruising. Someone was overflowing with foresight eh. Sure, let’s get behind the wheel and go to sleep.

I don’t know a hell of a lot of about the energy drinks other than from what I hear they taste like what I would guess a menstruating skunk’s ass would taste like. So what does this marvel of modern creation taste like? I am guessing that it is grape flavored because the whole damn thing is purple.

But wouldn’t it just make more sense to not drink something with caffeine or sugar in it if you needed to relax? Here’s a nutty idea, drink water or some booze (not while driving kiddos) or milk or something, just not a soda or coffee. Hell, don’t drink anything unless you are really thirsty. But do you really need to drink something to relax? That just doesn’t make sense to me. Won’t you just get tired on your own? And if you did drink this tallboy sized can of crap, I mean “relaxation” drink, wouldn’t you have to wake up to pee? Defeats the purpose of drinking this to relax if you are going to have to get up to make your bladder gladder?

And after checking out the website I see that they are a publicly traded company. I may have to look into investing in these guys because you know what they say about a fool and their money. Because there are dumbasses everywhere and they will probably buy this crap by the case. I just don’t understand…

Don’t get dead

I am a complete shit head

2009-04-20T14:12:00.001-05:00

But when my most recent child was born I got a real set of scrubs to wear during the surgery, not the paper ones that they give to most dads and I got to keep them. Since we spent a lot of time in the hospital recently I decided that I would have some fun. My wife’s room wasn’t far from the labor and delivery family waiting room. Every now and then I would stroll by and see if anyone was waiting in there and when there where people waiting I would make my way back to my wife’s room. There I would change into the scrubs (surgical mask and all) and then run by the waiting room screaming into my cell phone “SHE’S CODING!! SHE’S CODING!! I’M ON MY WAY TO THE O.R. NOW” and then dart down a hall way.

There is a special place in hell for people like me.

Don’t get dead

**Disclaimer - this blog is meant for entertainment purposes only and should not be tried by anyone**

That should keep me from getting sued!

If I won the lottery

2009-04-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

If I ever won the lottery and was being interviewed on TV, when the reporter asks me what I plan to do with the money I am going to tell him that I am about to go buy enough coke to kill a horse. That way I will always have police protection anywhere I go!

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - The Whole Plunging Neckline on a XXXL Spaghetti Strap Tank Top Thing?

2009-04-15T02:05:00.002-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

On Monday I was returning to Florida from Chicago. I am at the airport. It is 35 degrees outside and 3 inches of snow in April. It is windy and cold.

I am looking at a very overweight hispanic girl, maybe in her mid-twenties with a black tank top on. She has her hair done up like pom-poms on the top of her head. Her black jeans are way too tight and her waistband is folded over, under her gut. This is a very tight tank top. With a very plunging neckline. This very tight tank top has spaghetti straps. All I see is sweaty, untanned flesh and an amazingly large gap where the cleavage should be. Her boobs are spread apart and sagging, unsupported, braless and resting upon her rolls. I cannot quite distinguish where her boobs and her rolls are supposed to be separated. They are all flabby and resting upon themselves.

The fact she's out like this in 35 degrees is one thing, but out in public dressed like this is another. All this in itself is a little curious.

But she also has a pink bra strap sticking out off her shoulder, like, perpindicular to her arm. Obviously not supporting anything that should have been supported since she was eight years old. "Gross," I said out loud to nobody listening, "At least go fix that strap."

My plane is delayed and for an hour, and the heifer in the black tank top does not fix her bra strap. She doesn't fix her bra strap!

We board the plane and lo' n' behold guess who is on my flight and guess who cannot walk down the aisle without turning sideways? She is so big, she cannot walk straight down the aisle. With her tight ol' black tank top and plunging neckline she is whacking the sides of the poor people in the aisleway...

I can only say that I am glad I did not have an aisle seat. What if I didn't see her coming, and my mouth was open? All I saw were aisle-seated-men with grimaces on their faces as they dodged the oncoming blubber of flesh and boobage.

!WITH THE PINK STRAP STILL STICKING OUT HALFWAY DOWN HER ARM!

Please help me understand why a woman would do this?!

Living on the beach, I've begun to wonder why bikini manufacturers would actually market a flesh colored bikini in a size 14 or larger.

This just reinforces my confusion. Please help me. Gawd, I hope she's not related you.

This isn't something I can blog about on my blog because I only have a readership of 3 and one is my sister and one is my mom. Thanks for following me. It's nice to have someone to turn to.

Sincerely,

Thedadmandiaries

Dear Thedadmandiaries,

Sorry that I am late responding to this, every time I read the description I kept throwing up.

Did you read my post on MILFs? That is exactly what I am talking about. What has happened is that someone, even harder up than she is, told Senioretta Sasquach that she was either hot, sexy, fine, beautiful or whatever and she believed them.

And real quick, hell no she isn’t related to me.

Had to clear that up real quick. Now back to your questions, when you visibly can’t tell where the tits end and the gut begins it is obvious that there is a sever lack of self respect. Anyone who doesn’t respect themselves always has an attitude/perception problem with the rest of society. And if they don’t respect themselves they are not going to respect your senses, vision or any others. $100 says she was loud and smelled too. Plus she probably thought that the bra strap, low neck line and painted on jeans were “sexy”. And she thinks so because at least once in her past someone was nice to her and told her that she was sexy.

I firmly believe that it’s these hard up little F’ers who are fully to blame for this. They feed (pun intended) this nasty women what they want to hear and then these half tons of fun start to believe it. I know these dudes want to get laid but people in hell want ice water too. If these dudes would stay out of the chat rooms and gaming message boards and join the rest of normal society the world would be a better place. You see it is circular. Poindexter is on a mission to have sex at least once before he dies that he will tell any woman anything that she wants to her so that she will give him some. And desperation breeds persistency and changes your perception. Sort of like if you were starving a steak from the waffle house would taste fantastic, but if you were just a little hungry it would make you want to barf. Get what I mean? So here the geeks feed the freaks ego enough to cause the freaks to believe what the geeks tell them. If someone told you that you were the best at something and they told you over and over again, you would start to believe them. Look at professional athletes and the egos that they have. Same thing with Mount St Saggy. So now she thinks that she is hot and that she has to have hot girl attitude. A la the bra strap. She was teasing you with her sexiness.

Now onto the flesh colored bikini. It’s simple actually, the bikini makers know that they can charge a premium for the plus size bikini version of a normal bikini and they will get it too. It amazes me how backwards socity is, it is like pulling hens teeth to get the women you want to see nude out of their clothes and you can’t keep the ones you don’t want to see covered up enough.

I fully believe that there should be an exam for lots of things and clothing is one of them. Take bras for example, if you have to pour yourself or perform some sort of coordinated crane dance to get a bra on you should not be allowed to own, wear or borrow a sexy bra or a push up bra. If there is enough of an altitude change that your boobs experience a climate change, sorry no sexy undies for you! Its granny panties and those lunch lady bras from the Sears catalog. And you damn sure better not have a belly button ring!

Same goes for low cut tops, tight pants, and thongs. You should at least have to fill out some sort of form that has to be approved.

Don’t get dead

Sending the wrong message

2009-04-15T00:36:00.000-05:00

I have been watching way too much television lately. As I said in my previous blog the wife and I were in the hospital for over a week. Oh what a joy that was, great food, immaculate accommodations and so much to do. If you can’t tell that is sarcasm. So we did just about the only thing that you could do, watch the limited amount of television that there was. We watched anything that was on and late at night when the baby was up, that wasn’t much. After 2 AM you pretty much had cartoons, 24 hour news channels and infomercials.

It was so bad that I even caught myself paying attention to the commercials. At first I was fixated with the AT&T commercials trying to find all of the “bars” in the commercials. Then there were all of the weird Jack-in-the-Box commercials and we couldn’t leave out the Video Professor. I mean this guy teaches you how to either use software or sell stuff on E-bay for FREE!

But the one that stuck out the most to me was those stupid GEICO commercials. You know the ones with the stack of money with the big googely eyes on them. I think that I have seen them all by now. There is the one where the guy is putting up a fence, the one where the guy is on the plane, the one where they are in a video conference and so on. Although I don’t have GEICO for any type of insurance I don’t have anything against them. But if you ask me, their marketing department is really sending the wrong message. I know that the message that they are trying to send is that their insurance is cheaper than others. But the message that I get from these commercials is that their insurance is so bad that people would rather pay more for someone else’s coverage. Why else would all of these people not switch their providers?

The marketing department is up to the plate, here’s the pay off pitch, oh a swing and a miss!

Hey GEICO, you want to show people how much money they can save by switching? Let me help you. Here is your next commercial. Two people are grocery shopping and they are putting things like Ramen Noodles and Hamburger Helper into their carts while talking about how they are really having to budget. Then cut to the next shopping trip and one of the people is loading their cart with steaks. When the other person asks them what happened to budgeting when the first one says, “We switched to GEICO and save more money now.” That would get the point across to me. Oh and GEICO, one other thing, stop with all of the cutesy crap. First it was the gecko and now the stack of cash with eyes on it. You don’t need a mascot, knock it off!

Don’t get dead

MIA

2009-04-13T19:46:00.002-05:00

Sorry that I haven’t been around lately. Something has happened to our family.

WE HAD ANOTHER BABY!!

That’s right this little guy joined our family on Sunday 4/5/09

So needless to say, I have been a bit busy.

Not only did my wife’s water break at about 1:20 am last Sunday, when we did get discharged my wife’s c-section incision ripped open. So we went back to the hospital the same day that we were released only to have her doctor tell us to just keep it clean and let it heal on its own (WTF?) and then sent us home. After some discussion at home we decided that we didn’t like that idea. We call and speak to the on-call doc who tells us to come back in the next morning. We do so and long story short we get sent to the wound care center. The wound care center re-admitted my wife to the hospital, but not our new baby.

So get this, there is my wife and I, with our newborn crammed into a room while we are able to get my in-laws to keep an eye on our other two children. I thought we might get to go home that day or maybe the next. Nope, we were in the freaking hospital for four more days. So we have been living out of a duffel bag for over a week and just got home today.

I am freaking tired and not sure what day it is but happy to be home. Other than the gaping wound in my wife’s abdomen, mom and baby are doing well.

And I have so many things that I want to write about.

Don’t get dead

What do you listen to?

2009-04-11T12:27:00.000-05:00

I want to update my ipod with some more music. But I am having a hard time thinking what I want to put on it. So I want to hear from you guys. What are your music player must haves?

Give me as much detail as you want, artist, song, album or what ever and as many as you want to list. I just want something different. Old stuff, new stuff, in between stuff, what ever you like, just let me know.

Don’t get dead

Hot Rods and Spring Break in Panama City Beach (long)

2009-04-01T13:39:00.003-05:00

Growing up I was friends with a couple of brothers whose father owned a couple of car garages. And they had a huge car barn where we built hot rods and worked on our own cars. The coolest part about building these hot rods was that we got to drive them from time to time. You want to talk about feeling like a bad ass, be in high school and roll up to the school in a blown 23 T-Bucket or a 32 Ford Coupe with a chopped top and suicide doors, shaved door handles and exhaust loud enough to set off ever alarm in the parking lot.

A little before spring break one year, one of the brothers and I was talking about going to Panama City Beach for spring break. Of course moolah was the biggest concern. We were in high school after all. My friend mentioned that his parents were going down and that we could stay with them. This guys parents where cool as hell, what time we came and went was absolutely no concern, knowing his parents they were going to stay in a nice place (bonus). Then he laid the deal maker down on me, if I went we got to take the T-Bucket and the 32. Can we leave now!

Think about it, a young guy with sweet hot rods at the biggest spring break spot, I was in heaven. Spring break couldn’t get there fast enough.

The day of the trip comes and we are both smiling like a couple of rats eating cheese, even though it was a bit cool (probably in the 50’s). In typical fashion we make a quick check to make sure that we have everything before we head out and then go to fill up before we head out. Since these where hand made cars we stopped every now and then just to make sure that they were running fine and so on. At one point my friends dad had decided that the cars where fine and that we didn’t have to stop any more.

There we are heading down the highway being the center of attention to everyone going in both directions. My friend’s parents in the lead in the 32 with my friend and I following in the Bucket. For those of you who might not know what a 23 T-Bucket looks like mash here and if you don’t know what a 32 Ford coupe looks like mash here. Damn we were cool …and cold, but we were cool. Damn it was cold. Very shortly after the trip started we both opted for leather jackets. Not long after that we looked like freaking bank robbers, ski masks, gloves, two jackets, sun glasses and scarves. But we were cool. Shivering like a Chihuahua trying to shit out a peach seed, but we were cool.

Smelling that salt air when we finally got there made it all worth while. The girls in bikinis didn’t hurt either. It was awesome, we were damn near famous. We check in and couldn’t wait to get out and cruise. But we had to play it cool and not geek out. So we went and got something to eat with the parental units and put our plan together. We hopped in the 23 and scoped out the area, made sure to cruise by the beach to make our very loud presence know and so on. That night we decided to cruise the strip and look for tail… I mean see how everyone was doing. It didn’t take us long to realize that this car, which had about the same horsepower as the space shuttle, was not made to cruise in barely moving strip traffic. It was so powerful and geared so low that when we were stopping I had to pull up on the steering wheel to hold the brake pedal down. It didn’t take long to decide that when we were not moving to put it in park. Oh, one thing about that, this car had a slap shifter in it, but was put in backwards on purpose (long story, don’t ask), so instead of park being at the top of the column it was at the bottom. It can be a little confusing. So there we are with the car in park being too cool for everyone around us when traffic finally starts to move, I put the car in what I thought was drive but apparently it was reverse. I figured this out when I pushed down the gas pedal and we went backwards. You know that saying “frozen in fear”, that was the girl behind us in the little Honda Civic that we damn near plowed into. Fortunately I was able to stop the car from changing the aerodynamics of her Civic. I get it in drive and off we go, in the right direction this time.

Ironically I had just told my friend that I bet that car would cause a wreck that week because of people not paying attention, I know, I am good!

After cruising for a bit we needed some petrol and pulled into a gas station. Just as an FYI, if you accidentally put diesel into a blown 23 T-Bucket because you were looking at chicks, when the diesel gets to the cylinders and ignites it will shoot a big ass flame out of the blower. So we had to call the dad and he had to get a bucket from the maintenance guy at the condos so that we could drain the 8 gallons of diesel that some brainchild put into this car. Even as we were sitting there with draining the diesel out we were still cool. After making us feel like complete dumbasses his dad went back to the condo and we went back to cruising the strip for a bit. Remember how I was telling you about how powerful this car was and how it was not built for all of the cruising, well there is another reason this is true. The engine on this car gets hot, damn hot. It didn’t take us long to realize that we needed to get some air blowing over the radiator or we were going to have a problem. So we pull off of the strip to go hit some of the back roads for a bit. No sooner had we pulled off had I decided that to get air blowing on the radiator that we had to get moving so I punched it. If you looked at the pictures in the links above you realize that there isn’t much to this car, so the simple math of light weight car + extremely strong motor + dumbass standing on the gas pedal = the front wheels launching off the ground and two idiots screaming (literally) down a side road while doing a wheelie in a car. Thankfully my cat like reflexes told me to get off the gas pretty quickly. After repeating “holy shit” about 50,000 times each we both did a quick “are we dead” check and decided that we survived.

But we still had to get the car cooled off and we didn’t want to wait on it to cool on its own. As we are making our way to one of the back roads so we can haul ass and get the temps down some jackass in a mustang is trying to race us, yeah we smoked his ass and he suddenly decided that he had to turn, pussy. So we get the car cooled off and head back to the strip. After another hour or so of bumper to bumper, barely moving traffic the temps go up again. But this time we were at a prime place to actually pull over and let the car cool off, right in the middle of the strip. We pull off the road right by the beach (nice breeze blowing, I am a smart cookie) and proceed to hang out on the car watching the traffic. It was great, we were getting cat calls and invited to parties like it was going out of style. It was like the girls where coming out of the sand they were everywhere, life was great. A couple of girls pulled over behind us and where chatting with us for a bit when I noticed that there was no more traffic on the road in the direction that we were facing. The last car was right beside where we pulled over and then nothing as far as we could see. It was weird. Right after I noticed that I kept hearing this noise, this sort of winding noise. I checked and the fan on the car wasn’t running, the fuel pump wasn’t running but I could not figure out what this little noise was and it was getting louder. About this time I see a little light flickering in the distance. It was some guy on a scooter and he was hauling ass (for a scooter). As he got closer we could tell that he was not paying attention to the traffic but was looking at us. Then BAM he slammed at full speed into the car that was beside our car. He flew over their car and crashed face first into the back windshield car in front of them. His little red scooter literally broke into pieces. But it was like something from the circus, the guy rockets himself head first into the back glass of this car, lands on his feet does a 360 looking around and then collapses on the street. A complete WTF moment. Out of instinct we start to pick up the pieces of his scooter and someone went to go call the medics. When we realized that this guy was going to probably be ok was the exact same time that we realized that we had been drinking and that we need to bounce! We were out of there, slinging sand all along the way. Sorry, but I am not going to jail because of the human crash test dummy.

Some time later we were back on the strip and happened to be in the area where the human spitwad tried to carpool at 50 MPH when a cop motions us over. F’ing great, we are going to jail and there are so many reasons why: no seat belts; I have no idea if this car is street legal; the tail lights had this blue piece on them that made them light up purple which I heard was illegal; minor intox; no catalytic converter; being loud as fuck; DUI; oh and that hauling ass after that dude went X-games with that scooter. We pull over and shut the car off and I start to go for my wallet when the cop starts to ask me all of these questions, none of which were can I see your licenses. He says that he has seen us around and then proceeds to ask if the blower is really hooked up to which my friend interjected “You damn right it is!” Thanks jackass. So the cop just keeps asking questions like how many horses does it have, what size is the motor, this and that. Which I am sure is going to be used against us in a court of law. And then he ask us if we can fire it up and let him hear it. Sure, why not, if I’m going to the pokey might as well make it a good one right. So I crank the car and the cop says “rev it up” and I give it this little baby rev. The cops says “no man, get on it” and grabs the fucking throttle and opens that bitch up. People all around jumped, car alarms are going off, people are coming out of their hotel rooms to see what was going on. Turns out he is just a gear head too. So now we are playing this to our advantage we got a cop buddy. Man we let him sit in it, rev it like a drunken hells angel, take pictures and anything else he wanted. After about 20 minutes or smoozing with local law enforcement he ask us if it would spin the tires (33 inch Mickey Thompsons) we told him no because there is just too much traction and not enough weight. He doesn’t believe us and says he wants us to get on it to see. So he stops traffic and lets the traffic on the road get a good ways down the road. Then he tells us to “get on it but don’t half ass it”. So we pull out onto the road, I tell my friend to hang on and we punch it again. We pulled the wheels off the ground about two to three feet or so and got off of it long enough for the tires to touch the ground again and kept on keeping on. When we circled back around this cop was waving and giving us a big thumbs up. I just knew we were going to jail. It was getting late and we had enough fun for one night so we decided to head back to the condo.

I don’t know what we did but for some reason my friend’s dad was really happy the next day and let us carry the 32 out that night. We loved that car. It was totally pimp with a TV, cell phone (this was almost 20 years ago) and the most important thing heat/ac.

After the 8,372,623 time we heard “hey, ZZ Top” it started to get a bit annoying and people started seeing the back of our middle fingers. The car was red just like the car on the cover of “Eliminator” but we also realized that it looked like that car, even way back when we made it. So we didn’t need every geek on the strip to remind us. That car was sweet and so much fun to drive and you would be surprised how many girls you can cram into a car like that. After scoring some brew we wanted to head to a place where we wouldn’t get so much attention so we headed to this steak house and parked out back to drink for a bit. One of the kitchen staff guys came out to have a smoke and saw the car, we thought we were busted but he was cool and wanted to check out the car. Then he went and got some of his buddies and they will all kinds of excited and wanted to take pictures with the car and so on. Being the jackass that I am, I told them if they could score me and my friend a couple steak dinners we would let them take all the pictures that they wanted and I will be damned if they didn’t hook us up. Snap away fellas. Even the manager came out to get his picture taken with it. We just wanted to drink beer without getting busted by the cops, like I said we were still in high school.

After the free meal we decided to see just how lucky we were, off to the bars Batman! We roll into the parking lot of one of the biggest clubs on the beach, La Vela, and just ask the door guy if there was a place we could park where no one would mess with the car. The guy moves some cones so that we could park right by the door and he welcomes us in. We realized that something about those cars made door guys forget to id us. Advantage us! And since those were the only two cars we had with us we had to take one of them every time we went somewhere. Not getting carded makes up for all of the other hi-jinks.

Don’t get dead

HDTV

2009-03-31T17:41:00.000-05:00

Recently I was talking with some friends who just had their first child a few months back and I was telling the husband how they don’t believe it now but their lives will change. He is one of these gadget guys who goes out and gets damn near every new electronic gadget just as soon as they come out. IPODs, HDTVs, Wii, BluRay, Playstation, X-Box, PSP, you name it. He has everything from the huge ass projector TV to the little bitty hand-held PSP that plays videos, the Iphone and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I love those kinds of things too, but I have kids. Which is what I was telling him, how those things will soon go by the way side. Well they may not go by the wayside but how the importance of them will.

I was telling him how I am just not going to drop tons of cash on an HDTV or Blu-Ray player right now for several reasons. One, the stuff that I let my kids watch don’t come in HD and if they did my kids wouldn’t know the difference or care. Two, I would probably pass out when one of my lovely children drew on my plasma TV screen with a marker or something like that. Three, my son is obsessed with putting crap into every free space that he can find. And four, right now, I would rather take the money that I could spend on a nice state of the art media set up and get the hell out of town for a while, sans youngens.

As our conversation continued I told him how the other day I had to fish some Ritz crackers out of a VCR (see reason three above) when he stopped me and said, “You still have a VCR?” To which I replied, “Dude, did you hear the fishing the Ritz crackers out part? That’s why I don’t have a Blu-Ray player right now. How pissed do you think I would be if I just dropped $700 on a Blu-Ray player (or what ever they cost) just for my son to see if it could play a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” So yeah, I am missing out on all of the joys of high definition right now but my kids are still breathing on their own and CPS hasn’t come to pay us a visit either, so that’s a good thing.

A few days after this conversation I went over to their house to find the husband sitting in the living room, right in front of his HD set up watching re-runs of “The Andy Griffith Show” on broadcast TV. Yeah, HD in black and white is killer!

Don’t get dead

Inventions

2009-03-31T11:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday me and some of the fellas in the office where talking about inventions and whatnot. One of the guys said that most inventions where actually an accident and that the people where trying to invent something else. Like when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he was actually trying to make a hearing aid for his niece. As the conversation carried on I mention that scene from the movie “Cocktail” where they were talking about the guy who invented the little piece of plastic that goes on the end of your shoe strings and how that guy must be set. One of my co-workers and I came to the agreement that Plato is wrong, necessity isn’t the mother of invention laziness is. Think about it, would the car been invented if people didn’t get tired of walking or riding a horse everywhere? And with horses you had to either buy or catch them and then they might die on ya and you have to feed it and so on. F that! Same thing with the remote control, the cordless phone and so on. They were all invented because we got tired of having to get up and do something.

And then yesterday I get home and see an article on how some of most popular toys where created. According to this article, Play-Doh was originally created to clean walls. You would roll it on your walls to remove coal dust. And the slinky was invented by a naval engineer who was trying to invent a spring that would keep his instruments stable in choppy water.

So I got to thinking, what could I try to invent that would become a success or what could I invent by accident that could become a success? But two words kept popping into my head with every idea that I had, home explosion.

Back to the drawing board.

Don’t get dead

ShamWow guy beats up hookers!

2009-03-28T12:03:00.008-05:00

This may be the greatest thing that I have come across in a long time. The ShamWow guy, also know as Vince Shlomi, was arrested for smacking a ho around.

Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month for keeping his pimp hand strong in a South Beach hotel room.

Seems that he met Sasha Harris, a hooker, in a Miami night club and paid her a grand for some ass.

Two things kind of bother me about this. One is that ole Vinnie is on TV and has to get hookers to get his rocks off. And two, that he has a grand to blow on a whore.

You can check out the full story at thesmokinggun.com

Adventures of the young and stupid

2009-03-27T11:54:00.000-05:00

I have an older brother. For those of you who don’t have an older brother, that means that I had many, many roles growing up. I was a crash test dummy, test pilot, experimentalist, test subject and so on. In other words I was Jim and my brother was Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Ever notice how Jim had to do the crap jobs while Marlin never got out of the helicopter? But I digress. In other words, I was Pinky while my brother was The Brain. In other words, it sucked!

Not only is Attila older than me, he is six years older than me. So yeah, my childhood contained a lot of ducking & weaving, scraps & bruises and a lot of psychological torture. To this day I still can’t sleep with my feet uncovered *shiver*. And this adventure would be more of the same.

When I was just a wee lad of only six years of age I had a hand-me-down Tonka truck, the big yellow dump truck. And it was made of steel, like toys used to be made, so that they lasted. Just like most young boys we made ramps to jump stuff with on our bikes. Any board we could find we would make into a ramp. On this particular day we had a piece of plywood that was maybe two and a half feet by two feet, not a very big piece of wood at all. This was soon to be a launching pad.

As my luck would have it, the only thing we could find to prop up said Evil Knievel approved projectile starter kit was a pair of concrete cinder blocks that just happened to be concreted together. So with the plywood laid on these cinder blocks the ramp is at about a 75 degree angle, nothing dangerous about that right?

Now we got the ramp, we just need something to jump it with. Remember earlier I was talking about a steel Tonka truck and I was talking about my brother being older and remember how I was talking about being the crash test dummy, you doing the math yet?

It was at an early age that I realized that my brother should have a career in politics. You see like every politician, my brother can lie with the best of them. He was pretty convincing this time. He says “hey, why don’t you sit in the bed of the dump truck and I will push you over the ramp.” Yeah, even at six I knew this was a bad idea. I told him that I didn’t want to do that. That’s what I told him, what I was thinking was why don’t you go F yourself! After a few minutes of discussing it, which went something like “do it or I’ll kick your ass and you BETTER not tell Mom”, I decided to give it a try. That is with the promise of he would just push me to the top of the ramp and if I didn’t like it he would not make me jump it. Yeah, I knew what was coming too.

So I go and sit in the bed of this big yellow death trap, staring at my fate. I get the truck lined up at the base of the ramp and say to my brother “Remember you said you would not make me do it if I don’t like it”. No sooner had the words “like it” come out of my mouth and ZOOM! Houston, we are clear for take off. In some sort of freak Herculean effort my 12 year old brother flung me up the ramp launching me skyward.

Right about this time I realized that we were under a pecan tree with low limbs. Mid-flight I am trying to get as low as I can will still gaining altitude, like an airborne limbo contest. One good crack on the head by a tree limb later and I am making my final decent.

Let me paint the picture for you. I was a normal sized 6 year-old and if you remember the bed of those Tonka trucks is about a foot wide. So I am sort of sitting across the bed of this truck, or should I say WAS sitting across the bed of it. When I slammed onto the ground the momentum that my body had decided to fill any space that was available in the bed of the truck, in other words I was stuck in this truck.

Oh yeah, he thought it was hi-freaking-larious. I on the other hand, failed to see the humor in it at the time. To this day he wonders why I don’t trust him. I can’t wait until we get old, payback is going to be hell.

Don’t get dead

The microwave

2009-03-24T11:55:00.000-05:00

A few months ago we bought a new microwave, nothing special but it is a nice microwave. It’s a sweet over the cook top one that really gets food good and hot. And it’s got all of these bells and whistles like multiple timers, a light, rotating glass plate thing and so on. But it’s got something that makes me want to beat it with a frying pan. It has this little reminder beep that goes off every so many seconds after you have finished heating up something. THAT NEVER FUCKING QUITS! That is until you either hit “end” or open the microwave door. I am sure that as far as extras on appliances go, this is highly sought after in some houses, just not mine.

So if I am heating up something to eat and say making a drink or getting something out of the pantry it keeps reminding me that you plate full of lip smacking goodness is waiting on me. It’s almost taunting me. Beep, your food is ready stupid. Beep, hey moron, forget about something!? Beep, I didn’t heat this up for nothing you know, come and get it. Beep, it’s ready stupid, you going to eat this or not?

I just don’t see a need for this luxury. It’s not like I am going to forget that I am hungry. I have been eating all of my life, and to be quiet frank about it, I am pretty good at it. And after all of these years not only do I recognize what hunger feels like, I have even figured out a remedy. To freaking eat something. And I may be going out on a limb here, but I can still smell and most foods have an odor to them. Pretty sure that I can figure out that smell that smells like last nights dinner might actually be hot food!

Are there people who are not aware that they are hungry and actually need an audible reminder? That would rule! South Beach could suck it! The “I Forgot to Eat” diet would kick the crap out of it.

So dear wonderful box of stainless still awesomeness please shut up before I stick some Teflon where it doesn’t belong.

Don’t get dead

Let me hear from you again

2009-03-24T11:36:00.001-05:00

So I asked the other day if you could go back in time and witness an event what would it be, and I really liked the answers. So today’s question is similar but a little bit different.

If you could go back and change one historic event, what would that be? I know it’s very “Back to the Futrue”ish but so be it.

Obviously for me it would be to keep my mom from getting cancer, but I don’t know that would be seen as “historic” by everyone. Or I could take a different route and say I would like to make it so that I could win the lottery, be a movie star (hey porn counts as movies), or be in the history books/famous in some fashion. But what fun would that be? So in the effort of fairness I have a non-personal answer.

I think I would like to keep Kennedy from getting shot. I would be really interested to see how the country would be different had he not been assassinated. What would happen with our economy then, what about international relations, how would our military be different, would we even still be here?

So what about you guys? What historic event would you change?

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Question about divorce, and kids

2009-03-22T00:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.

- Decisions from the courts

Dear Decisions from the courts,

Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?

I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.

I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.

Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.

So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Let me hear from you

2009-03-18T16:36:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite things to do is to ask hypothetical questions just to see how people answer. It’s just something that I find interesting. So with that said, let me hear from you in regards to this question. Leave a comment and if you want you can do it anonymously.

The question for today is

If you could go back in time and witness one historic event in person, what would it be?

Feel free to elaborate on it if you want.

Don’t get dead

***Edit - There are so many to choose from. It would be sweet to be there when early man discovered fire or invented the wheel, or when Ben Franklin discovered electricity, or Paul Reveres famous ride, or possibly to watch the Write Bros first flight, Columbus landing in the new world for the first time, the Mayflower landing on Plymouth Rock, Washington crossing the Delaware, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, maybe to be there when man landed on the moon. Hell, I would like to see what it was like the first time a person ate an oyster.

The thing that I would like to go back in time for the most is to be there when my mom died so that I could talk to her one more time and tell her that I love her one more time.

And if that doesn’t count, I guess I would like to be there the first time someone light a fart, that would be hilarious!

Deep Thoughts

2009-03-16T18:17:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered if your mom kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?

Do you think that everyone who tries on a bathing suit really wears underwear when they try it on?

Sometimes I think that dogs are retarded for continuously wanting to smell asses.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you will be a mile away and will have their shoes.

Have you ever wondered how your girlfriend got to be so good in bed?

Sometimes I think that I will go out and do random acts of kindness for my fellow man. Then I think fuck him, I got bills to pay.

There is always one weirdo on a bus, look around. If you can't find him, it's you.

Is anyone really fooled by calling “AA”, “Al Anon”?

I like to play a little game in my mind when I watch children play. It's called "Whose Going to be the Convict"

My grandfather once told me that the difference between a good man and a great man is a couple of consonants and a couple of vowels, but he was batshit crazy so what does he know.

If you play country music backwards do you get the wife, dog and farm back?

Is beauty still in the eye if the beholder is blind?

Do cannibals think that clowns taste funny?

Don’t get dead

86 Rules of boozing

2009-03-16T00:08:00.000-05:00

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

Dear Sweezey - Why chivalry is dead

2009-03-15T00:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

So this woman in a store is frantic because she lost her billfold, so I went to find the manger while she continued to look around. It had been turned in up front and I pointed her out to the manager. No big deal. I only took a moment out of my day to do the right thing and without me she would have gotten it back anyway. But then she brushed right past me without a word, then later nearly ran me over in the parking lot. So she was in a hurry. Aren't we all? I have no sense of entitlement, but geeze, not even a thank you. The luxury sports car with vanity plates and the fact that her ass is as wide as my kitchen table may be an indication of what she is, hmm?

- Paula

Dear Paula,

Chivalry is defined as the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.

And you say that you “have no sense of entitlement”. Entitlement is defined as the act of entitling. To save you some time, entitling means to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.

Now you claim that you have no sense of entitlement yet you felt compelled to write and bitch about some other dame not bowing down to kiss your ass when even you yourself said that she would have gotten her billfold back anyway. And then you go on to belittle this woman. What a bitch.

Even think that maybe she was “frantic” because she had been looking for her billfold for so long that it made her late to pick up her 9 year old son from soccer practice and that there would be no one there to stay with her son and that the little boy and that there was a child molesting maniac who likes to hang out by the soccer fields? Yeah, how dare she want to keep that poor 9 year old little boy safe and sound instead of bending over backwards to tell you what a fantastic person you are for doing next to nothing.

So tell me what does a luxury sports car, vanity plates and as you say an ass as wide as your kitchen table indicate? It sounds to me like it indicates that she has some money. Is that what pisses you off? That her life is good and that yours sucks and that you are pissed off because of all of the bad choices you have and continue to make? Since I am a gambling man, I am willing to bet that she is MUCH more attractive than you are and that is the reason that you feel the need to lash out and the only think you can, her ass. And I will double up my bet that the only person who thinks that she almost ran you over in the parking lot is you.

You need meds, seriously, you know happy pills.

So if chivalry is dead you are an accomplice to murder.

- Sweezey

Email for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey Prostitution/Dating

2009-03-12T23:38:00.001-05:00

Dear Sweezey,

I see a Women I think she is sexy,attractive etc: as a single man I ask her out knowing I want to have Sex with her 7 she knows she wants the same. So we go to dinner,movies etc: I might spend hundreds of dollars before we have sex & I might not all women are different in that way but they to want the sex...............................I see a Pic & info on a web site of a attractive sexy women up front I know for $100 I can have sex immediatly is there really that much difference ...........between the women I have to spend money on or the women I just give it to! Just a thought??

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The difference is that the hookers you are looking at online will do anyone or anything with the cash. And the girls who you take to dinner and so on won’t have sex with a illiterate moron like yourself in fear that one of your retarded super sperm actually reaching their egg.

I hope that they talk you into taking them to the best places in town and that they are some how able to keep stringing you along long enough to spend every penny you have on them.

Maybe if you took the time and effort that you are spending on trying to get laid and focused it on making a better person out of yourself your luck might change. Apparently you are not graced with rugged good lucks or personality, at all, in the very least.

Try letting the big head do the thinking for a while, we got more than enough idiots in this world already.

- Sweezey

Email me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Even more things that I wonder about

2009-03-12T21:24:00.000-05:00

• Do you think that John Wayne Bobbit goes around half cocked?

• Do rabbits dream about being chased by dogs?

• Why don’t the women on the reality TV show “Survivor” ever have hairy arm pits or legs when they are supposed to be stranded on this island for weeks at a time?

• Why don’t buses have seat belts?

• Is there such a thing as slow sand?

• If clouds are moisture and moisture is water and if air is lighter than water, how do clouds stay up in the sky?

• Do muu muus come in different sizes, and if so why?

• Shouldn’t a tooth brush be called a teeth brush?

• If heat rises, why are the upper atmospheres cold?

• Why is there no extra medium size?

• If you can be both overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

• If baseball is the great American pastime, what is the lesser American pastime.

• A stitch in time saves nine what?

• Why are flowers so hard to keep alive and weeds so hard to kill? Wouldn’t it be easier if it was the other way around?

Don’t get dead

To set the record straight

2009-03-08T01:30:00.003-06:00

Women, this is for you. And while I can appreciate and admire confidence in a woman, just because you squatted out a kid does NOT instantly make you a milf. I have seen blogs where women consider themselves to be hot and call themselves milfs. While some one dude will F you, don’t mean that most men would. Just means that you found someone more hard up for sex than you.

So while “technically” you could be considered a milf by one dude, don’t go out and sell yourself as one. You are making yourself look idiotic and ruining the good reputation of the true milf.

Same thing for you old chicks who think you are a cougar. If you don’t have a large number of average or above looking guys (societies standards on looks, not yours) hitting you on, you are not a milf or a cougar or whatever.

And to touch base on something that I wrote about a while back, low cut tops aren’t for everyone. If you got big boobs, that’s great. But if your boobs get caught in your belt, I don’t want to see them. I damn sure don’t want to see them if they have stretch marks on them. Just remember that some of us may have just eaten.

While we are on the low cut tops thing, if you do wear a low cut top you damn sure better not get pissed if you catch some dude looking at your boobs. If he was there with his dork out he would expect you to look. And you didn’t wear that shirt so that you wouldn’t get seen. We both know that you wore it on purpose, ease up and let them look.

Now if you do have a nice body and want to show it off that’s great. But if you had any sort of surgery to get said body (which I got no problem with at all!!) don’t give health/food advice to anyone. Pot meet kettle if you know where I am coming from.

Again, love confidence hate ignorance. Learn the difference.

Oh and if you are fat, work with what you got. I know that “fashion experts” say that black makes you look slimmer but it does not make you look slim. There is only so much that a color can do for you. If you are a big girl and you dress in all black all the time you don’t look slim, you look like night time.

Don’t get dead

Missed the mark on this one

2009-03-06T09:39:00.000-06:00

Just like everyone else we are trying to save money where we can. So we decided to try these energy efficient light bulbs in our house where we had a couple of burned out bulbs. You know the lights that I am talking about, they have the little, white, squiggly tube in them, in our case it was incased in a flood light casing.

The idea behind them is that they use less electricity, pretty simple concept to follow. But what they don’t tell you about is how they take forever to light up. I know it’s a crazy idea but I really have gotten used to being able to flip a switch and the light actually coming on.

So the savings in per hour that these bulbs are going to save me is really costing me more money because instead of being able to flip on the lights in my kitchen, look in the pantry and find what I want, I have to flip on the lights switch and then come back in an hour when there is actually light. Let’s see, save 3 cents an hour on these ridiculously high priced light bulbs but have it actually have to be on for an hour to be able to see OR flip a switch get what I need and go at 3 cents more per hour.

So I pay more for the light bulbs and have to have them on longer so that I can actually see? Screw the environment, it is about to put me in the poor house!

Oh and this is my 300th post, go me!

Don’t get dead

Milk bath

2009-03-05T20:34:00.001-06:00

A woman is talking to some of her girlfriends when she ask one of them how she gets her skin so soft, the friend says that once a week she takes a bath in milk.

Figuring what did she have to lose the woman leaves a note for the milkman that she needs 15 gallons of milk the next day. Thinking that she meant 1.5 gallons the milkman leaves her a gallon and a half.

The next day the lady sees the gallon and a half and decides to tell the milkman what she wants so that there are no misunderstandings.

When she sees the milk man coming down the street she goes out to speak with him. As he is approaching her door she asks him, "hey, what happened, I left you a note that says I wanted 15 gallons of milk and you left me a gallon and a half?" The milkman explains that he misunderstood and says that he will make sure that she gets 15 gallons the next day. But then ask the lady why does she need so much milk. The lady tells him that she wants to bath in it. So the milkman asks, "Do you want it pasteurised?" to which the lady replied "Nah, just up to the top of my boobs"

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - My standards must be SO high

2009-03-05T15:53:00.000-06:00

Dear Sweezey,

Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!

Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!

If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.

And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.

- Seriously

Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,

First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?

You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.

So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?

Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*

The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.

You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.

Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - I want to sell my kidneys!!!!

2009-03-03T18:04:00.000-06:00

Dear Sweezey,

I want to sell my kidneys. Can I get money for one of my kidneys?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’ll give you a dollar for one or $20 for the set, but only if you take them out yourself.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweeezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - hmmmm..

2009-03-02T17:59:00.000-06:00

Dear Sweezey,

How is it that you can give a 16 paragraph dissertation on Dora the Explorer and a 2 sentence answer to the poor "porn" girl.....?

Just Curious!

Dear Just Curious!

There are many many reasons. You see "porn" girl never really asked me a question so I was trying to help her out as best I could with the limited information that I had. How was I to give specific answers to a general statement? I would have to examine every single piece of it. Might even have to bring some of it back to examine it more closely, it is my reputation that is on the line here.

And to really help, I would have to better know what he was looking at. I mean she did say that she was pretty, I have to verify this. What if she is oblivious to the fact that she looks like hell on toast? That would explain it all right there. Or what if he was looking at shit like midgets? That would mean that he is a freaky little fucker and she's not weird enough for him. You see it could be something on either side of the relationship. She might look like a troll’s turd or he might really be into some fetish stuff. Who knows?

Oh and even if you count the "Don't get dead" tag line as a paragraph it's only a 13 paragraph dissertation smart ass. Learn to count. But keep those e-mails coming!

- Sweezey

Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

It is all our fault and apparently nobody is immune.

2009-03-02T00:05:00.002-06:00

My wife’s car has one of those rear entertainment centers. We thought it would be nice to have since when we bought it we knew we would take it on family trips and the bulk of the driving with the kids.

After a while the kids got used to the DVDs we had in the car and if they were good we told them that we would get them a new DVD. They really thought they were top dogs when they got a new DVD, so we started to use that as a reward system. Then one day I was noticing that the kids would laugh during the DVD when it sounded like nothing was happening. Then it hit me, we never actually watched the DVDs. For all we knew it could be some of the most graphic and vulgar things known to man as the video with a nice kids show audio track and we would not have known the difference.

So I have decided that maybe I should start to pay a little more attention to the things my kids watch, and most definitely the programming that I put on for them.

Take tonight for example. I was doing some work while my children where up in the play room and they where watching the ever popular kids show “Dora the Explorer”. I thought to myself “this is this is on Noggin, it’s part of the Nickelodeon family of channels, it’s got to be safe”, but I was wrong. It was filled with all kinds of insane things that seemed cute and maybe even harmless on the surface.

For those of you who don’t know, Dora is this little Hispanic girl with a football shaped head. And that’s about the most sane thing about this show. Dora has a talking monkey that wears shoes as her friend. In the episode tonight, Dora was talking with her grandmother and her grandmother was telling her about making some chocolate treat. And she told Dora that the chocolate grew on a tree and that this tree was her friend and that the tree gave her hugs when she was sad. WTF?!?! And this tree sings with her, yeah the tree sings.

So Dora decides that she is going to go find said singing tree, but she has to check her map to find out how to get there. But for some reason she can’t check the map, you have to check the map and tell her how to get there. Oh and the map talks. Anyone else think that the creators of this show are constantly on an acid trip? Well the map says that to get to this magical chocolate tree that you need to go through the jungle and then to a cave. Say what?!?!

While un-chaperoned laces out and her talking monkey are in the jungle she comes up to a toucan who tells her that there are snapping turtles, snakes and a crocodile in the jungle and that these animals wont let her pass unless she feeds them cookies. Let’s think about this shall we, teaching kids to hand feed wild and dangerous animals. Yeah, I can see why this show is wildly popular.

So maybe feeding turtles isn’t a big deal. And the snakes, while not a bright idea still could be done with some distance and you might be safe. But a fucking crocodile!! Come on.

Then after jungle it’s off to the cave, but not just any cave, oh no no no, it’s a fucking bear cave. Sure, let’s teach our children to go to bear caves. Makes perfect sense to me! The monkey asked what happens if they meet the bear and Dora advised him that they “would have to be very careful”, ya think? Then the monkey and ole football head meet up with a talking iguana, sure it happens all the time. But the iguana tells them that they just have to sing to the bear to put it to sleep. I know that is what they tell you to do in wilderness survival school, to sing and to do so loudly! You know, draw lots of attention to yourself. And they where wondering where the bear was when they got to its cave, almost like they were disappointed because the bear wasn’t there. Of course the bear comes while they are at the cave and they sing it to sleep… yeah.

One of the other episodes had a water skiing bull. In the same show the talking map sent extra point head along with the pronouncing primate to “Pirate Island” where they had to sing and dance for trees so that the trees would let them by. Who sends a kid, even with a monkey to any place called “Pirate Island”?

Oh and don’t forget about the talking backpack and the stealing (and talking, apparently everything talks in this show) fox.

No wonder that the younger generations are fucking stupid. Look at what is (was in our case) entertaining them. Just remember that these are the people who are going to be taking care of us when we get old. You know, WE ARE SCREWED!

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Porn

2009-03-01T15:50:00.001-06:00

Dear Sweezey,

my boyfriend of 4 years gets high and spends several hours a week looking at nude pics of women and porn...and he has a massive collection of pics and videos from the internet...i'm a pretty woman and we have a great sex life... it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like i can never measure up.

curious cindy

Dear Curious Cindy,

You say he has a massive collection huh... hmm, not sure that I can help without examining his collection. I may have to come over and examine it to be able to properly advise you.

- Sweezey

Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - No Loving

2009-02-27T15:54:00.001-06:00

Dear Sweezey,

My wife of 20 years tells me she no longer has any interest in sex, but that she will "do it" occasionally to meet my needs.

Before that, sex has gone from several times a week to about once a month... not my choice, but daily headaches, backaches, just b4 bed arguments, etc., are becoming the norm

What am I to do with this new information???

- Lost Love

Dear Lost Love,

You said it all when you said you’re married. Deal with it bro.

And you are a grown man, stop this b4 bullshit. Spell it out. Come on, you can do it!

- Sweezey

Don't get dead

Looking Back - Chapter 16

2009-02-25T16:11:00.001-06:00

Before I get into this blog, I want everyone to understand that I have a VERY big soft spot in my heart for the handicapped, senior citizens, children and animals. I am by no way making fun of any of them, just telling a story that happened to me and making fun of myself.

As I may or may not have mentioned in the past, I have had a variety of jobs when I was younger. Dish washer, utility worker, lawn maintenance, peanut mill production line worker, banker, candle stick maker, Indian chief and so on.

One of those jobs that I had was a fill-in driver for a food service company, meals on wheels if you will. Most of our clients were senior citizen centers. Places where the able bodied senior members of society would gather Monday thru Friday. Usually they would play bingo and stuff like that. But in an effort to keep our business profitable we also took clients for day care centers & mental health facilities.

One this particular day I was working with a co-worker named Hector. Hector was teaching me the route, who gets what, how to load the truck in the order of the stops and so on. I liked Hector, he was cool, he had a great personality, liked jazz and loved women. We got a long well.

During the route Hector told me that we had a new client and that he was going to show me how to do an initial set up. When we get there I can see that it’s not a senior citizen center and I could see kids walking around, so I thought it was a day care. I was wrong.

Hector parks the truck and tells me to start unloading the stuff and that he was going to go in and find out where everything went and he would come back and get me. So I get everything off the truck and loaded onto a dolly. One thing that I didn’t mention is that it was August, which meant that it was as hot and muggy as Satan’s balls. After a couple of minutes I thought to myself, “screw this” and wheeled the stuff inside. Now I am standing in the very nice and cool air conditioned foyer of this school when I see this kid sitting on the floor and he starts to row a boat across the floor, but he isn’t in a boat. He is doing motions like he is rowing a boat and just scooting on his ass backwards across the floor. Ooookkkkaaay. As I am watching him row, I see another kid sitting on the floor leaning against wall. This young man is wearing a football helmet and has oven mitts duct taped to his wrist. I thought to myself, “Cool, they are at recess or playing a game”. I was wrong again. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! HOLY SHIT!!! He just starts slamming his head against the wall, HARD! And then tries to unfasten the chin strap, which must have been the reason for the oven mitts.

It’s at this point that I am praying that these kids don’t gang up on me because I would have come through the wall like the Kool-Aid man! I hear that they can smell fear.

So I let out a loud yet subtle, “HHEECCTTOORR!!” A couple of seconds later he comes around the corner and says that he will show me where to set everything up at. Thank god, I thought I was a goner.

We make our way to the room where we are supposed to set up everything and he gives me the run down. After we get everything set up Hector asked one of the teachers if there was anywhere that he could get a drink and she tells us where a water fountain is and mentions that there is a soda machine in the teachers lounge too. Hector opted for the soda and we make our way to the teachers lounge.

When we got to the teachers lounge there was a little girl standing by the soda machine with her hands clasp in front of her with her head down and looking very morose. We thought maybe she had gotten in trouble or something so we were going to be extra nice to her to try to cheer her up. We both said hello to her and asked how she was doing and she didn’t move a muscle. In an effort to not be annoying to the girl we just decided to get a soda and go about our business. Hector walks over to the machine and puts his money in, makes a selection and BAM, this little girl lunges and grabs the soda and then pfffffttt just slobbers all over the top of it. Without missing a beat, Hector says to her, “Yeah, you’re right, that one is yours” and then goes into his pocket to get more change. He again puts his money in the machine and the little girl, BAM/pffffffttt all over this one too. Hector is visibly taken back a little bit and turns to me and says, “Hey man, you think you can run interference for me? I am running out of money!” So there I am standing there like I am trying to block a four foot Kobe Bryant so that Hector can get a drink.

A dollar fifty later and he drops the damn thing walking out of the room!

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Need help with a guy

2009-02-24T15:41:00.000-06:00

Dear Sweezey,

I have been sort of seeing this guy who for a while, but nothing to serious yet. He is great and seems to have his head on his shoulders. I am always going to him for advice and asking all sorts of questions and he never gets flustered with me. But one thing that is odd to me is every time I tell him that he is nice for helping me or say that he is sweet, he always replies to me with “Nah, I am an asshole :)” or something like that. Why won’t he let me compliment him? I know he is nice and has a heart of gold, but he never takes compliments. Is this a bad sign?

Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering Woman (oh god),

How dense are you? I mean seriously. While he may be saying it with a nice face on, he is telling you the truth, he’s an asshole. He is giving you warning that one day he is going to lower the boom on your ass like Hiroshima! And it wont be pretty. Yeah, one day he is going to have enough of your stupid ass questions and going to tell you what an idiot you are and all kinds of other things that you aren’t going to want to hear. Ever hear someone say that the writing is on the wall? Well when he is telling you that he is an asshole, he just pulled out a sharpie and is using his best penmanship.

So leave the guy alone. Don’t you think he has better things to do than to solve all of your issues for you? That is unless you are giving him some, then you just bought yourself a little more time. But he will get tired of that too, unless you know how to work it. Then he will just talk about you to his friends until you break crazy on him.

Sweezey

As always you can e-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Things that I wonder about.

2009-02-23T15:30:00.001-06:00

• Did the guy whose job it was to name fruit just not try when he got to the orange?
• Why is Christopher Columbus celebrated as the man who discovered America when all he did was get lost?
• Does this bump look infected?
• How come people will burn up $10 in gas driving across the city to save fifty cents?
• Why don’t beaches wash away?
• Do all fish know how to swim?
• Shouldn’t firemen really be called watermen?
• Who let the dogs out?
• How come every time I loose socks it’s only one out of the pair? Why don’t I ever loose both socks from the same pair?
• If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, why is it so early? You would think that if it was so important that it would be at a time when everyone is up.
• Who decides what’s a weed and what’s a flower? Is it that if it’s hard to kill it’s a weed and if it’s hard to keep alive it’s a flower?
• Who decides what is dancing and what is repetitive spastic motion?
• Why is it that we load ourselves up with distractions such as cell phones and TVs in places that we need to pay the most attention, like in the car. But we want piece and quiet in places where you can afford to have distractions like at home?
• Why is there handicapped parking at dance clubs?
• What do fortune tells ask you what you want to know about? Shouldn’t they already know?
• If magicians can really do “magic” why don’t they let me pick the tricks they are to do?
• The rock band “Candlebox” has a greatest hits CD, why? And is it a single?

Don’t get dead

Telemarketers

2009-02-19T16:51:00.000-06:00

I know that times are tough, I won’t argue that point one bit. And I know that everyone has to make a living. But stop trying to do it at my expense!

Look, I know that you are trying to feed your five hungry kids and the twins need special shoes so that they can walk to school, up hill both ways none the less. But trust me when I tell you that I got nothing that will help you and that you would do better trying to get someone else to buy what ever it is you are selling. Because all I am going to do is waste your time.

Like for instance, one time I was home and the phone rings, like a moron I answered it. I know, what was I thinking?! To my EXTREME joy it was a telemarketer. Now typically I would just hang up. But this time, was different. This time was special! I felt like screwing with someone. It must have been fate!

So I answer in the typical fashion of, “What?” (I got tired of using, “Commissioner Gordon here”) and the voice on the other end calls my name in this really cheery voice like he is glad to talk to me again. Knowing right away that this is no one who knows me, I let him continue with his little speech. He goes on and on about meeting new and exciting people and blah, blah, blah… I am sure he was saying something really meaningful but I was too busy scratching with the phone receiver. Anyway, he reveals that this is for the most popular dating service in the metroplex (didn’t see that coming with all of the talk of meeting new and exciting singles) and then he asks me, “So what do you think?” Well hell, I had to find out if I could do this! I mean who would want to pass up an opportunity like that! So I asked him to hang on a minute while I asked my wife if I could join. I hear him call me an asshole and hang up. Sorry dude, you’re the dumbass who called me and never asked if I was married. Good luck with your sales.

But my favorite of all time has to be this one time (at band camp, sorry I had to) a telemarketer called me trying to sell me the news paper. Over and over again I kept telling him that I wasn’t interested. And I was trying to be nice about it because the guy sounded desperate. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He just kept on and on. So finally I told him that I had to tell him something and that I was a war vet and that I lost both of my arms in the war and that’s why I didn’t want a subscription to the paper.

Anyone want to guess what he says then? Glad you asked, he says “Well what about the weekend edition?” No shit, he really said that after I told him that I don’t have arms.

But I was proud of myself, instead of telling him what a tool he was I simply left it at “Yeah, my arms grow back on the weekends, sign me up!”. I don’t know why but he hung up on me.

Don’t get dead

Guys rules for going to a club

2009-02-13T17:37:00.002-06:00

Guys, this one is for you. With “Singles Awareness Day” or as some call it “Valentines Day” being tomorrow I thought that I would share with you some rules to help you find that lovely lady.

First off, women don’t want to be with some push over smuck. So be confident. Nice is for pussies, be a man. Jesus son, grow a pair! So if you ask a chick to dance and she brushes you off, tell her that you didn’t ask her for head just to dance and that she shouldn’t be such a cunt and to lighten up. They love that, drives them crazy.

Another thing that would help you is if you are so inclined to actually “dance” (god help you) remember these few rules for being a man while dancing (shiver).
• NEVER let your arms get above your shoulders. What are you some kind of queen? You’re not bringing sexy back if you look like it’s raining men, get it?
• Don’t ever ever ever ever ever sing along with the song. I don’t care how great of a song it is, never sing along with it.
• For the love of everything holy, don’t do the running man, the lawnmower, the sprinkler or the shaking dice thing. You only make yourself look like a bigger goober.
• Remember that dames think of dancing like vertical sex, so turn her around, bend her over at the waist and pound away!
• Never dance to more than one song at a time. Trust me, if you are a guy, you don’t dance well. Don’t make a huge ass out of yourself. And if you do actually have decent moves, leave them wanting more.
• No fucking techno, EVER!

Let’s move along to drinking. Beer is fine but is gives off a certain financial limit vibe. Drink mixed drinks. And not some fruity crap either. No drinks with umbrellas or fruit in them. What are you, Fabio? And for the sake of men everywhere, no bright colored drinks! Ever! Drinks should be dark in color. Come on you pansy, man up! And another thing, don’t drink out of a fucking staw, you are not in kindergarten. You got fuzz on your peaches right? Show it!

Make sure that you don’t dress like a dildo too. You’re going to a club to try to get laid, not an interview. No starch in anything you are wearing. And more than two buttons (starting at the very top of your shirt) unbuttoned is completely unacceptable. Come on dude, not t-shirts or anything with a hole in it. And don’t wear sneakers or tennis shoes, if you don’t have normal shoes you are not ready for a woman anyway. Wear a belt but don’t clip ANYTHING to it. And make sure that the belt and the shoes match. And no loud colors! Ever! If you are so inclined as to wear cologne pay very important attention to this part, JUST A FUCKING LITTLE BIT OF IT. Don’t bath in the shit. Let me give you some help here, go to the mall and look at the price tags of the colognes in the case. Find one that is more than you would pay for a bottle of cologne and find that tester bottle. Two sprays of it, no more. And if your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel, well you are on your own, I can’t help you. Oh and no sunglasses. The more accessories that you have, the more you look … well just sad. Drawing attention to yourself = got nothing going for yourself.

Talking to chicks is crucial. Keep saying this handy little phrase to yourself “shut the fuck up”. And remember it. If you are talking, you are fucking up. Well if you are talking too much. Talking to women is sort of a moving target. Too little talking and you look like the guy who jerks off to Disney movies. Too much talking and you look like the guy who lives with his mom. Work on it, but never ever practice in a mirror. Two sentences at the most and no more than say eight words in a sentence. You want to look smooth, not spastic.

Just trying to help.

Don’t get dead

Nothing says love like …

2009-02-09T22:32:00.001-06:00

… a pre-ban assault rifle!

That’s right, nothing screams loving like Glock.

What am I talking about? On the way to work this morning I see a sign for a gun and knife show on Valentines Day over in Fort Worth. I know that EVERY girl that I ever spent Valentines Day with wanted nothing more than to go to a gun show.

So if you are looking for that special gift idea for your loved one on Valentines why not a banana clip for her AK-47? Or maybe a .50 cal?

The thing that I really wonder the most about was, did the person who scheduled this really think this through? Here you have Bubba with access to weapons galore when he has just had his heart broken by Linda Lou all on the day that the words “If I can’t have her nobody can!” get said more than any other time of year. Smooth move ex-lax! Maybe they just need more training or something.

Don’t get dead

So is that a couple of pigeons in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

2009-02-04T11:01:00.001-06:00

So there is a news story where some jackass from Sydney had a couple of pigeons in his pants on a flight (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090204/ap_on_fe_st/as_odd_australia_pigeon_pants;_ylt=AhNsIhf.qbtjnicNFwyJEcvtiBIF) which was found after some eggs where discovered in a vitamin container in his luggage. So that makes me wonder, what in the hell is this moron doing with pidgins in his pants? Ever see a pigeon? They are winged sewer rats. I saw one eat some barf that a homeless dude left on the sidewalk one day. So what was he doing with them? Actually I guess I should ask why? They are not endangered or worth anything. Damn sure not worth the $70,430 fine that he has now.

But why pigeons? You don’t think he was going to do some creepy sexual thing with them do ya? Do you think he had to turn his phone service off and still felt the need to communicate with others and was going to bring back the carrier pigeon craze?

I think the most ironic part is that he had them on a plane. Like they where never going to experience flight on their own.

Don’t get dead

You got to be kidding me

2009-01-30T13:59:00.001-06:00

So I was checking out some news today when I came across this article.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090130/ap_on_re_us/octuplets

And we all know about the Dugger’s with 75 children or what ever and then there is that damn Jon and Kate plus 8 and gobs of hillbillies with their own softball teams too. So this begs the question of ladies, what in the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, you need keep shitting out kids like some kind of goddamn magic trick?

I understand that for some it’s a religious thing, but seriously if you got six kids, pack it in. God said it’s ok. And for the love of everything holy, stop fucking. While you might think it’s great, the rest of the country hates you. And no we aren’t jealous, you are a goddamn drain on society. And even if your not, you are annoying as fuck. Because we all know you are going to take your entire gaggle of weirdo kids to the store with you while you are shopping and I know it will be while I am at the damn store too.

If you have four or more children, go get a library card or the internet or cable tv or something. Ladies, your vagina is not a clown car.

Plus, come on how good can the sex be if your crotch looks like the tunnels used by the Viet Kong? Who wants to screw a coffee can? Your birth canal must be like a damn slip and slide. I bet you don’t even have to push while in labor, they just slide out like a water slide. Are you going for distance during the delivery by the time you have kid #7?

That’s got to be a shit load of snotty noses and dirty diapers. I am going to go check on getting a vasectomy now.

Don’t get dead

Elementary My Dear Watson

2009-01-29T22:53:00.001-06:00

Believe it or not but Sherlock Holmes is a real person and until this morning was alive and kicking. Ok, seriously there was a gentleman who was honestly named Sherlock Holmes and sadly he was found murdered in his home this morning, and he was only 68.

http://www.myfoxdfw.com/dpp/news/Sherlock_Holmes_Found_Dead_in

Now this sucks because apparently this man was very nice and caring. But the name, what where his parents thinking? Did they just want the man to be picked on his entire life? I bet you ole Sherlock could rough it up with the best of them, he would have to. Or be able to tote an ass-whopping with the best of them.

The ironic part of this is that just earlier tonight I was watching the movie “Office Space”, you know the movie that had the ass clown Michael Bolton.

I almost wonder if it is an epidemic. I went to school with a guy named Richard Head, just think of the nick name, and yeah it used to echo the halls of my high school. I also know cousins named Spring and Summer. Sisters named April, May and June and their cousin August. Oh and I know a William Williams Jr, yeah, WWII.

And I have been told that there was a former Texas Governor Jim Hogg who had daughters named Ima and Ura. I swear, Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg. Their social life must have been hell.

So what is it that goes through peoples mind when naming their children? Do they really think these are good names? My last name starts with an S so I have been very cautious of what any of my children’s initials are, so there is no way that I am going to give them some goofy name. I mean come on, could I really have a child named Alex Shawn S (ASS) or Gary Alan S (GAS)? No, the answer is that I could not.

So what is it that makes people give their children these names? Is it that they want people to remember them but don’t think that they will any talent or personality?

But back to Sherlock, his family and friends are in my thoughts and prayers. I am honestly sorry that this man, who seems like a nice guy, was murdered.

Don’t get dead (not what it sounds like, click the link)

Bingo!

2009-01-28T18:18:00.002-06:00

This may be one of the greatest things that I have ever seen.

I think that I got bingo in the parking lot!

Now I don’t hate Wal-Mart, just the people who shop there on a regular basis. What a collection of creatures this is. So to keep the game fair to everyone, I put together a list of other things that could be on the Wal-Mart Bingo cards.

Such as…

- Someone wearing jeans with the Skoal circle in the back poket

- Someone with a cigarette behind their ear

- A woman with a black eye

- 6 inch dark roots on a “blond” woman

- A man wearing flip-flops with frito scoops toe nails

- Diapers, condoms and anti-itch cream all in the same basket

- Radios in automotive section cracked up to some god-awful hip hop station

- Woman wearing a strapless shirt and a bra that’s not

- Dog tied to the concrete poles out front

- Kid lying on the floor in the toy department playing with an opened toy

- A wallet on a chain

- Kid bouncing a ball and shooting it back into the rubber ball cage

- More toys on the floor than on the shelf

- Woman missing teeth wearing a “Taz” or “Tweety Bird” t-shirt

- Guy carrying a car battery back to the automotive section

- Guys playing video games for hours that they have no intention of buying

- A Mullet

- Toddler drinking 44 oz Dr. Pepper

- Plumbers crack with holes around the briefs underwear waistband

- Tube tops

- Guy wearing a bandana on his head

- Someone arguing with Customer Service

- Kids playing on riding lawnmowers

- Someone throwing a nerf football

- A wet floor sign on carpet

- Fat kids with kool-aid stains on their shirts

- $8000 worth of rims on a $500 car

Don’t get dead