College Football picks week 1

Well boys and girls, I am back. It’s been a long time but this blog is back in action. Starting off with some college football picks from my buddy Bud and myself. I use my knowledge and experience of college football and Bud picks the winner based on which mascot he thinks would win in a fight.

The games for this week are:
North Carolina at No. 6 South Carolina
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
Rutgers at Fresno State
No. 24 USC at Hawaii
Morgan State at Army
Texas Tech at Southern Methodist
Buffalo at No. 2 Ohio State
Villanova at Boston College
Purdue at Cincinnati
Toledo at No. 10 Florida
Rice at No. 7 Texas A&M
Mississippi State vs. No. 13 Oklahoma State
Temple at No. 14 Notre Dame
No. 1 Alabama vs. Virginia Tech
No. 5 Georgia at No. 8 Clemson
No. 12 LSU vs. No. 20 TCU
No. 11 Florida State at Pittsburgh

North Carolina at No. 6 South Carolina:
My Pick – Come on, there is no question in this one. South Carolina all the way. And this isn’t my SEC bias coming through, it’s just common sense. I know Larry Fedora is on a tear but coach Spurrier is on a mission. And that mission is to win the SEC east. Plus with all of the hype that Clowney has gotten in the off season, they are going to have to play some lights out football from the first snap or hold on tight because it’s going to be a bumpy ride out of the top ten and beyond if they don’t.
Bud’s Practical Pick – What the hell is a Tar Heel? Is that really a dude with tar on his foot? And he’s fighting a chicken? I am going with the fighting chickens on this one. Those are some mean damn birds and if this guy has sticky tar on the bottom of his foot, so he’s not going to be able to move around and get away from the bird. And South Carolina is the home team, so that means it’s in a chicken coop.

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt:
My Pick – I don’t know why, but I like this game. I like both teams, some. And I think that Vandy is going to give Ole Miss a better game than they are expecting. Not to say that I don’t think Old Miss isn’t going to win soundly. I just don’t think that Vandy is going to look like the Vandy of old.
Bud’s Practical Pick – So we got Commodores verses Rebels? Isn’t Nashville in the middle of Tennessee? Like not on a coast? Or are these the Commodores that Lionel Richie was part of? Either way, I think some renegade fighters will be able to handle some geriatric singers and some Navy guys who will be far away from their boats.

Rutgers at Fresno State:
My Pick – I know there are a lot of Fresno State fans out there, and I like them too but I just don’t see them beating Rutgers. I think the Jersey boys will be able to bring home the W without an issue.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Man, somebody better call the SPCA because a dude in armor with weapons against a dog is going to be animal abuse. Fresno State isn’t going to stand a chance.

No. 24 USC at Hawaii:
My Pick – Come on, USC is going to crush Hawaii. Hawaii hasn’t done much since June Jones left for Dallas. And Lane Kiffin is desperate to show people that he can coach his way out of a paper bag.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Trojans against Warriors? Damn, on the surface you would think that this would be a tie. But then I found out that Hawaii used to be the Rainbows. Seriously?! Just because of that, I have to throw my vote to the Trojans.

Morgan State at Army:
My Pick – I won’t even pretend that I know much about Morgan State and as a proud American, I always support the armed forces. Go Army.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Bears are going to the Army to fight the Army? Those are some dumbass bears! The Army has tanks and bazookas and missiles and stuff like that. And aren’t bears getting ready to hibernate? That’s got to impact their ability. Plus, skin is no match for an M-16.

Texas Tech at Southern Methodist:
My Pick – Oh Tech is going to win this one. But I would really like to see SMU get back to winning like they did when they were paying players.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Red Raiders and Mustangs huh. From what I’ve seen, the Red Raiders ride on Mustangs. No brainer, Texas Tech wins. But why are they red? Are they blushing?

Buffalo at No. 2 Ohio State:
My Pick – Oh god, the thought of Urban Meyer winning makes me ill. But they will. And it will look like a junior high team scrimmaging against a varsity high school team.
Bud’s Practical Pick – A bull against a plant? Hardly seems fair. And wouldn’t it make more sense for Buffalo’s mascot to be a buffalo? I can’t see a bull losing a fight against something that it eats.

Villanova at Boston College:
My Pick – This is a football game, right? Cause it sounds like a road to the final four game to me. And Villanova has a football team? Interesting. None the less, BC is going to win this game hands down.
Bud’s Practical Pick – A wildcat taking on an eagle. Initially I thought that there was no way that a wildcat would lose to an eagle, but then I remembered that the game is going to be at the eagle’s home, in the sky! Wildcats can’t fly.

Purdue at Cincinnati:
My Pick – The Bearcats have shown some moments of greatness over the last few years. The Boilermakers… not so much. I see Cinci winning this one by a respectable amount.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Wait, I’m confused. Is Purdue the trains or the boilermakers? And what is a boilermaker? Is that a guy who builds boilers? Like what people used to use for heating water? Or is it the mixed drink? I guess it really doesn’t matter as long as they are not the trains. I don’t exactly know what a bearcat is but it sounds mean, damn mean. Cincinnati wins.

Toledo at No. 10 Florida:
My Pick – I think Toledo will have a good year, not starting this Saturday but overall. The crocs are going to handle them without question.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Even in a swamp there is nooo way that an alligator would be able to beat a Rocket. A freaking rocket! Toledo wins.

Rice at No. 7 Texas A&M:
My Pick – Even with their starting QB sitting out half the game, ATM is going to win this game. At least it won’t be a long ride home for the Owls.
Bud’s Practical Pick – An owl verses a farmer? Don’t farmers shoot owls out of their barns? Farmers all the way.

Mississippi State vs. No. 13 Oklahoma State:
My Pick – I actually think this is going to be a good game. I think Dan Mullen is a good coach and has recruited some good talent in Starkville. Tyler Russell is a good quarterback who had a pretty good year last year. But he has some new receivers and linemen. We will have to see what they can do with a middle of the road running game. On the other side of the field is Mike Gundy and the Oklahoma State Cowboys. I still can’t tell if Gundy is a good coach or just a good hype machine. A pre-season #13 ranking would lean towards him being a good coach. But I don’t put a lot of stock in preseason rankings. And the media is picking OSU to win the Big 12. But this is for a team that went 8-5 last year, the same record that the unranked Mississippi State Bulldogs had. But Gundy and OSU used three different QBs to achieve that. It’s going to be a close one and I am leaning towards the Cowpokes in this one.
Bud’s Practical Pick – A cowboy against a dog? Even if the dogs had rabies they would still lose because cowboys have guns. OSU rubs their nose in it.

Temple at No. 14 Notre Dame:
My Pick – Notre Dame is looking for some redemption from last year’s embarrassing national title game. They are going to have a chip on their shoulder and Golson is going to come out swinging. Last year Temple couldn’t pass the potatoes. And now they have a new coach who is trying to install a new offense. This is going to be ugly. Notre Dame is going win this with the backups in.
Bud’s Practical Pick – An owl verses a leprechaun? I guess this is pretty cut and dry. I mean there is only one clear cut choice in this. You have to go with the owls, leprechauns don’t exist. How can they win? Duh!

No. 1 Alabama vs. Virginia Tech:
My Pick – Rammer Jammer! There isn’t a chance that Frankie B is going to be able to match the coaching or talent that Alabama is bringing this year. Like a lot of other teams, I like Virginia Tech… when they aren’t playing against Alabama. I can see this game starting out decent but as the half draws near I think those Bama boys are going to just be too much for VT to handle.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Is that a turkey? That’s a turkey, right? I can’t see a turkey being able to do anything against an elephant. It’s a freaking elephant! Alabama wins this one easily.

No. 5 Georgia at No. 8 Clemson:
My Pick – This promises to be a good game. And it’s two top ten teams. But that is a preseason ranking. And as I have stated before, preseason rankings don’t hold a lot of weight with me. The Bulldogs lost Jarvis Jones in the offseason to the NFL draft, which is going to hurt them on defense. But their offense still has Aaron Murray under center and that is in their favor. Clemson on the other hand, has a talented QB by the name of Tajh Boyd who is no slouch. One thing that I think will help Clemson’s defense this year is that some of the members of their secondary who were out due to injuries last season are back and appear to be healthy. While Clemson is looking better, they are starting out the season against a much tougher team than they started out against last year. But I don’t think they are going to be able to stop Georgia. Bulldogs win this one.
Bud’s Practical Pick – I can’t watch this one. A tiger and a bulldog, that’s just messed up. Tigers all the way.

No. 12 LSU vs. No. 20 TCU:
My Pick – Interesting matchup. I honestly think that TCU is currently over ranked and LSU lost a ton of players to the NFL in the offseason. I will say that I think Miles is a better coach than Patterson. And Miles has pretty much the entire state of Louisiana to recruit to himself while TCU has to share Texas with Texas, Texas A&M, Baylor, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Baylor and so on. And to make matters worse, TCU hasn’t announced who will be their starting quarterback yet. Looks like the kitties win this one.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Another tiger and a frog, a horned one at that. I can’t see how frogs can put up much of a fight against a tiger. I think they would be a snack for the tigers. LSU gobbles them up.

No. 11 Florida State at Pittsburgh:
My Pick – No question about it. Get your war paint on because FSU is going to crush Pittsburgh. I think Fisher has the Seminoles ready to win the ACC this year. I will be honest and say that I don’t know much about Paul Chryst, but I haven’t see much come out of Pittsburgh since Larry Fitzgerald, but my gut says to go with the ‘Noles.
Bud’s Practical Pick – Not so fast my friend! I heard someone say that before. We are talking about Indians and panthers going at it. Man eating cats against guys with homemade weapons. Some may think that the humans having weapons would have the advantage, but they are going to a panthers den. Those cats know where to hide and then pounce when the time is right! Pittsburgh wins!

- Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - Big metal rocket that used to be on the playground at Chisolm Park in Hurst

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know what happened to the big metal rocket that used to be on the playground at
Chisolm Park in Hurst? I talked to a city parks official that said it was moved to Bellaire
park sometime in the 90s and was taken down about 5 years later. He didn't know what
happened to it after. Anyone know?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Someone found the weed you hid in that rocket a long time ago. Let it go.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at
DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

TV Guide

For those of you who didn’t know me as a child let me give you a little background on me. I grew up in a very small town in Alabama and that’s pretty much all that you need to know about this post. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alabama. Had some of the best times of my life in Alabama and some of the greatest people in my life are either in or from Alabama. But this particular post falls right in line with the stereotype.

So I grew up in a middle class neighborhood in a small town as I mentioned. And on the surface everything was pretty normal. But peel away a layer or two and the quirkiness of some of the people in the neighborhood starts to shine through.

You see there was this one family in our neighborhood that collected something unique, TV Guides.

I remember as a kid this family had a bookcase in their hallway that was just filled with TV Guides, years and years worth of TV Guides as a matter of fact. I remember asking my friend who lived there over and over again what was up with all of the TV Guides. No other publications, just TV Guides. And over and over again I would get some brush off answer about how his dad thought that they might be worth a lot of money one day or some other lame excuse.

And then one day a second bookcase showed up in the hallway. And week by week it slowly began to fill up with more TV Guides. One day I was hanging out and started to thumb through them. And there was nothing special about them. Nothing was hidden in them, the crossword puzzle wasn’t even started, nothing.

Then one day there was a police chase that came through our neighborhood where the guy who was running from the cops lost control of his motorcycle and crashed into the family’s car, catching it and then their house on fire. It was horrible, every issue burned.

The mystery of the TV Guides will remain unanswered for ever now. After a couple of months the house was rebuilt and for some reason the TV Guide bookcase was nowhere to be found. Of course I had to ask about them and of course I got a brush off answer, this time with attitude.

Then one day a couple of months later, a bookcase appeared in the hallway again. And placed on it was this cute little pair of TV Guides. YES!!!! Glorious TV Guides! Now I have something to bug my friend about.

At this point I couldn’t have cared less about the damn magazines or why they were keeping them, I just liked to bust their chops about them. So I go up to my friend and say that I see that the TV Guides are back and ask him what’s up with that.

If you are eating or drinking anything, you might want to go ahead and swallow it before you continue reading. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

So my friend says to me in a huff, and I quote, “My dad is keeping them because he thinks that toilet paper is going to go out of style. And when they quit making it we are going to wipe our butts with the pages of TV Guide.”

I shit you not, pun intended

- Don’t get dead

I don’t know; maybe just give him a warning.

Cops: Man awaiting sobriety test takes last swig

BELLEVIEW, Fla. – Authorities said a central Florida man took one last swig of alcohol while waiting to take a sobriety test. Marion County Sheriff's deputies stopped 61-year-old Dana Seaman after noticing his car swerve three times. Seaman said he'd been drinking and agreed to a sobriety test. But first, Deputy Eric Larson said he watched Seaman drink from a cup and toss it under the passenger seat. According to a police report, the cup smelled strongly of alcohol.

Seaman refused a breath test. He has been charged with DUI.

A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday.

I swear to God that is a real news story. Pulled from the AP.

Ok, normally I would be all over the suspect’s ass like Lindsay Lohan at a wine tasting.  But in this case I think the local Sheriff’s office should throw him a bone. Why? His name is freaking Dana Seaman…SEAMAN! He has lived 61 years with the last name of SEAMAN. No wonder he was drinking.

What I don’t understand is why he didn’t change his name a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time ago? I know that I would have been at the court house at the very first opportunity I had to start the legal name change process. I would have been Dana Smith just as soon as humanly possible. He wouldn’t even have to change anything he had initialed. Think he didn’t change it because of pride or that spiffy family crest?

Could you imagine the hell his youth was, especially after sex ed class? Now Mr. Seaman has quite a few years on me but I would guess that kids were just as big of a-holes when he was in school as they were when I was in school. He is just lucky that his parents weren’t hippies or something and named him Swallow or something like that.

The funniest lines from that story have to be, “Seaman refused a breath test.” and “A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday.” I know it is juvenile, but you laughed too!

-- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – What makes you so special?

Dear Sweezey,

  What makes you so special?  Why do you think that you are an authority on anything?

Just curious

Dear Just curious,

God given talent my boy.  Served up with a nice slice of common sense and topped off with just enough smartassedness to keep the world turning.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

-          Don’t get dead

New Chapter - House Sitting

If you have been following me for a while, you would know that I have a book in the works. Not just any book. A book on how to be an a-hole. You have to dance with who brought you, you know. You can check out some of the previous chapters here .

So this installation is a new chapter. Unlike previous chapters this chapter is specific to one topic, house sitting. Since it is the summer time and the time that a lot of people go on vacation, a lot of people get asked to house sit. And if you have to take care of someone else’s house, why not make it worth your while?! And I’m going easy on this one! So here are some fun things you can do just if asked to house sit, especially if you are sitting for someone who stresses easily.

Some of the basic stuff, like removing all of the knobs from the cooktop/oven/range/stove. Yeah, just put them in a drawer or the dishwasher or something.

How about turn everything, that doesn’t leak, in the fridge upside down.

If you happen to have and know how to use the special key, lock all of the interior doors. Bedrooms, bathrooms, pantry, everything! If you are feeling really adventurous, go and buy some new door handles that lock if some of the ones don’t lock.

Change the sheets in the master bedroom to kiddy sheets. You know, clowns, baseball, princesses and stuff like that.

Remember when you were in elementary school and you had art class? Remember those big ass rolls of paper? Put some of that loud ass art paper under all of the cushions. Couch, chairs, love seat, hell even under the ottoman if you can.

Replace all plates, glasses and silverware with plastic. Take the stuff out of the cabinets and put it in a box in a closet or something. Then fill the cabinets back with red solo cups and paper plates, don’t forget the flatware. Of course you will have to do the same for the china cabinet.

And while you are in the kitchen, take and move everything in the cabinets to different cabinets. So where the serving dishes are put the Tupperware and so on.

Remove all of the light bulbs, yeah you heard me. Take all of the light bulbs out of every light, put them in a box and stick under the kitchen sink or something.

Unplug everything but the fridge or anything with a clock on it. The reason you don’t want to unplug the things with clocks on them is because you want to reset each clock to a different time. One clock will say 1:14 and another will say 8:33 and the real time is actually 11:00.

Write messages on the mirror in the master bathroom with your finger. Why? Because when they get home they would love a nice warm shower in their own shower. Warm showers equal steam, get it? So when you write a message it will show up on the mirror. I prefer “Get Out” or “Helter Skelter”.

Since it is summer time, most people use their ceiling fans to cool the house. Switch the ceiling fans to blow in the opposite direction.

Get an annoy-a-tron (google it, it’s freaking awesome) and set it somewhere that would be hard to find like on top of the fridge or behind the couch or something.

Turn everything that has a volume up all the way then turn the power off. You know, TVs, radios, and anything else that has a volume.

Turn off the water to the house at the curb. Yeah, go out to the street and cut the water supply. While you are at it, drain the water heater.

Put salt in the sugar and sugar in the salt. Depending on the person, do this one at your own risk.

Leave notes all over the house, such as “Taste Funny” on something in the fridge or “Smells Weird” on a piece of their underwear in the drawer.

Pair their socks with socks that don’t match. You know, an ankle sock with an over the calf sock and so on.

Get a carpet cleaner and clean one spot in a room and leave a note near the spot with an arrow pointing to the spot that reads “Not blood”.

Take some of their clean clothes and put in their laundry room, neatly folder or hung on hangers as if they had just been laundered.

Re-arrange their furniture. Not just move the living room furniture around, put bedroom furniture in there.

Add accent pieces to their living room, pieces that they didn’t already own.

Take something that won’t be hurt by getting wet (such as a toothbrush, hairbrush or can opener) make some jello and put it in the jello when you put it in the fridge, extra points if you can get it in the middle.

Put photos of random people that they don’t know on their fridge.

Lay out some of their clothing similar to a chalk outline.

Remove the batteries out of everything that run on batteries.

Take all of the fliers for things like lawn services, dry cleaning, water filtration, window washing and so on. Write things such as “Coming on Thursday” on them with a sharpie and leave them with the rest of the mail.

Leave fingerprints on every surface that they will show up on, TVs, microwave door, stainless steel appliances.

Line the floor with cling wrap like when a house is being shown, as in when a house is for sale.

Print up fake flyers for the house as if it were for sale and leave them in the entry way.

Cover all of the furniture with sheets

Hide all of the trash cans in the attic.

Spread birdseed everywhere, even throw it on the roof. Birds will flock to it and come back over and over again, it's kind of freaky to see tons of birds all over the place. 

Pop open the smoke detector, vent hood or maybe just an air vent and tape a piece of wire to the inside of it, then feed the wire through one of the holes. Leave loose wire hanging out. This works best on something that is not easy to reach, I recommend the smoke detector.

Fill the trash can with caution tape, crime scene tape is even better if you can get a hold of some.

Print up fake party/orgy flyers and leave them in trash cans throughout the house.

Borrow a live trap and leave it set up (bait and open) in the corner of a room.

Leave sticky notes on everything noting what they do. One on the light that says “Gets Bright”, one on the TV that says “shows moving pictures”, one on the faucet that says “Makes Water”, one on the a/c that says “<-makes house cold|makes house hot ->”, one on the oven that says “Gets Hot” and so on.

Put their junk mail in a box and wrap it up as a gift, leave it with a thank you note.

Take baby powder and leave four or five small lines, about two or three inches long with it. Put a tightly rolled up dollar next to it. Leave it laying there.

-          Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - dental help info

Dear Sweezey,

im 32 with no job, no ins, and very bad teeth.the dental schools seem to take a long
time to get in, and then theres JPS. lookin for any other ideas.i grind my teeth,tried
those guards u can buy but they dont line up overbite,have broken teeth and need 2 root
cannals. so thanks for and ideas

-

ro

Dear ro,

From the looks of your e-mail, it looks like your teeth are just one of many problems.
You say that the dental schools seem to take a long time, have you actually looked into how long it would take? I haven’t but I would assume that they have people getting ready to graduate all the time. I have no idea what JPS is so I can’t help you there. Why don’t you just go to a dentist? I mean you got money for the guards that don’t line up and you have a computer and internet service so you must have some form of income.

And if that’s not an option, I would recommend that you go to a shady part of town and start yelling racial slurs while standing in the middle of the street. That will surely cure your dental problem.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at
DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Need to stop smoking

Dear Sweezey,

I've decided to quit smoking and I was wondering if you had any tips. Real tips that
actually help. Or if anyone out there is an ex-smoker or someone that has personally
known anyone who has quit could respond. All I ask is that you don't waste time telling
me to use patches. I've tried that. It doesn't help. Thanks in advance.

Around the way

Dear Around the way,

This may sound a bit nuts but, don’t light them. Simple, no?

Ok, so that won’t work for you? How about this, how about when you light one put on
a blindfold. Then set the cigarette down on a flat surface like a table and spin it around.
Next, with the blindfold still on, pick up the smoke and stick one end of it in your mouth.
You got a 50/50 shot that you will put the right end in your mouth. I bet that if you put

the business end in your mouth a couple of times you will be able to put them down for
good.

Or how about this, every time you want to have a smoke you take an ambien about a
half hour before and then lay down on your back and light up. I know that if I woke up
with my neck or chest burning I could give a care less about smoking.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at
DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead