Monday, August 03, 2009

New Chapters for the book that I am writing

As some of you know I am writing a book, and I will give you guys a sneak peek into my future best seller. The book that I am writing is a how to book but not just any how to book, this book is how to be an a-hole.

If you mash here and here you can see some of the other chapters of the book. Not that I would advise anyone to actually go out and do anything even remotely close to stuff like this…

You just got to hit people where they are vulnerable.

Here are some of the excerpts of the book

The next time you are in a rental car do the next renter a favor and preset all of the stations, preferably to something like the underground garage band station. Set them all to the same god-awful station.

While we are on the subject of rental cars and radios, go ahead and crank that radio wide open and then turn the power off. That way the next time someone goes to listen to the radio they can hear it. If you want to go the extra mile glue the volume knob in the max volume position if said radio has a power button other than the volume knob.

The next time you go to dinner and you have eaten everything on your plate except for maybe a bone or just a very small morsel of food, ask your server for a to-go box, then ask them if they can box it up for you.

If you are eating with someone who has a straw in their drink and they just happen to leave the table for a short period of time, such as to go to the bathroom, either take their straw out of their drink or take another straw and tie a knot in one end of the straw. Place the end of the straw back into their drink.

The next time you are out to eat in a restaurant that has table service, every time the waiter comes by and asks if you want a refill, change your drink order. Go from Coke to Dr. Pepper. Then from Dr. Pepper to Diet Coke. Then really screw with them, change it to a drink of a different color. Go from Diet Coke to Iced Tea, then from Iced Tea to Sprite. I don’t know why, but this seems to really piss them off.

If you so happen to be in a restaurant where they ask you if you want something such as fresh grated cheese on your food tell them yes and don’t stop them. If they stop tell them that you want more. Once there is a ridiculous mound of cheese on your food or when they run out of cheese, take a bite and send it back. Tell them that it taste funny and that you want another one. If they are brave enough to ask you if you want fresh grated cheese on your food tell them oh god no, you can’t stand that stuff.

Speaking of eating, hang out by a weight watchers and ask women who come out of there when they are due and reach out as if you were going to touch their belly.

Walk out of a building that has a lot of door traffic like a mall or a busy office building. Once outside look up at the sky and say “Oh my god!” and just keep looking up. Once a crowd has gathered and people are trying to see what you are looking at, quietly walk away.

Find a bill changer in a busy place such as a mall or airport. Every time someone walks by take a single and make change, when the change drops loudly exclaim “I WON! I WON!” When someone comes over to see what you are doing look at them and say “this machine is hot!” then make change again.

If for any reason you happen to be a boat such as a ferry or a dinner cruise or something like that and you can get a cup of ice, make your way to the front of the boat, throw an ice cube in the water and scream “ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD!!” and get into a brace position.

While in the airport, walk up to some, anyone, preferably someone who is a different size than you are and start squirming like you had an accident. Ask them if you can borrow some underwear “because… you know!” When they tell you no, loudly say “come on man, I know that you are holding!” and point to their suitcase. When they walk away loudly say “Oh now you don’t know me?! You sure did last night!”

Any time you are sitting across from someone but not in close proximity, be it in a meeting, at a bar or similar setting, continually rub/wipe your nose while looking at someone else as if to notify them that they have something hanging out of their nose. Do it over and over again. See how many times you can get them to try to remove it before they get pissed.

Any time that you are leaving a place at the same time as someone else but going to different cars ask them a question that starts out coheirent and tail off into some sort of gibberish. Such as “Hey, are we going to head over to hehsehawgwehwew?” When they say “What?” Say “Are you and I going to go over to hewupseisedbenese?” See how many times you can get them to ask you what you said. This works best if you are going to different cars not parked near each other. If you really want to kick the a-hole up a notch talk quieter as you start with the gibberish.

While at work, go into the can and find a stall that is open but has someone in the next stall. Close the door, make yourself comfortable and start to sing show tunes. My personal favorite is a big grunt followed by “OOOOOOKLAHOMA!”

Get into an elevator that has other people in it. About four works best. And the taller the building the better. Once in the elevator press the button for one of the lower floors. Then say out loud to yourself “Oh, I really should go to (a slightly higher floor) first” and push the button for that floor. Then say out loud to yourself “oh they are on (an even slightly higher floor) now” and push that floors button. Keep this up for as long as you can then say something like “oh screw it” and get off on your original floor when the elevator stops there.

This one takes a little prep work but it is usually well worth it. Take a couple of sheets of toilet paper and smear some peanut butter on it (crunchy or smooth) and just hold it in your hand. Go into a restroom where someone is in a stall already. Go into the stall next to them, get comfortable, and after a minute or two let the other person (assuming that they haven’t left already) hear you getting some toilet paper. Then simply toss the toilet paper with the peanut butter on it just out of your reach under the stall wall. Stick your hand under the wall and say “little help!” Extra points if you hit their shoe with it.

Take three or four sheets of paper and tape them end to end. Go to your fax machine and send someone a fax. Once the first sheet comes out of the fax machine, tape the top of it to the bottom of the last sheet making a loop and let it send for as long as you want. Extra points if you have typed up a nice little message on the pages. Double points if you filled each page with the message. This will be a huge fax that will take forever to print on their end, possibly wasting tons of paper and toner. Don’t forget about the other real faxes that will be waiting in queue for it to complete.

Speaking of office a-holeness, take a fine tip sharpie like those new pen sharpies and just put a couple of random dots on someones monitor. This is very effective for people who are in documents or e-mail all day.

Probably my favorite is the next time you are walking in a public place, such as a mall or touristy place, and someone passes you going the same direction look at them and loudly say “NO! I don’t want any candy! And leave my butt alone!” this works best when the guy saying it is passed by another male.

Don’t get dead


Mr. Shife said...

I think you got yourself a winner my friend. I am definitely going to try the straw trick on my wife when we go out this week. Awesome stuff Booya. Keep up the good work.

Blogger said...

Using Car Rental 8 you can find the best car hire at over 50,000 international locations.

Related Posts with Thumbnails