Saturday, July 28, 2012

Dear Sweezey – What makes you so special?

Dear Sweezey,

  What makes you so special?  Why do you think that you are an authority on anything?

Just curious

Dear Just curious,

God given talent my boy.  Served up with a nice slice of common sense and topped off with just enough smartassedness to keep the world turning.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

-          Don’t get dead

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

New Chapter - House Sitting

If you have been following me for a while, you would know that I have a book in the works. Not just any book. A book on how to be an a-hole. You have to dance with who brought you, you know. You can check out some of the previous chapters here .

So this installation is a new chapter. Unlike previous chapters this chapter is specific to one topic, house sitting. Since it is the summer time and the time that a lot of people go on vacation, a lot of people get asked to house sit. And if you have to take care of someone else’s house, why not make it worth your while?! And I’m going easy on this one! So here are some fun things you can do just if asked to house sit, especially if you are sitting for someone who stresses easily.

Some of the basic stuff, like removing all of the knobs from the cooktop/oven/range/stove. Yeah, just put them in a drawer or the dishwasher or something.

How about turn everything, that doesn’t leak, in the fridge upside down.

If you happen to have and know how to use the special key, lock all of the interior doors. Bedrooms, bathrooms, pantry, everything! If you are feeling really adventurous, go and buy some new door handles that lock if some of the ones don’t lock.

Change the sheets in the master bedroom to kiddy sheets. You know, clowns, baseball, princesses and stuff like that.

Remember when you were in elementary school and you had art class? Remember those big ass rolls of paper? Put some of that loud ass art paper under all of the cushions. Couch, chairs, love seat, hell even under the ottoman if you can.

Replace all plates, glasses and silverware with plastic. Take the stuff out of the cabinets and put it in a box in a closet or something. Then fill the cabinets back with red solo cups and paper plates, don’t forget the flatware. Of course you will have to do the same for the china cabinet.

And while you are in the kitchen, take and move everything in the cabinets to different cabinets. So where the serving dishes are put the Tupperware and so on.

Remove all of the light bulbs, yeah you heard me. Take all of the light bulbs out of every light, put them in a box and stick under the kitchen sink or something.

Unplug everything but the fridge or anything with a clock on it. The reason you don’t want to unplug the things with clocks on them is because you want to reset each clock to a different time. One clock will say 1:14 and another will say 8:33 and the real time is actually 11:00.

Write messages on the mirror in the master bathroom with your finger. Why? Because when they get home they would love a nice warm shower in their own shower. Warm showers equal steam, get it? So when you write a message it will show up on the mirror. I prefer “Get Out” or “Helter Skelter”.

Since it is summer time, most people use their ceiling fans to cool the house. Switch the ceiling fans to blow in the opposite direction.

Get an annoy-a-tron (google it, it’s freaking awesome) and set it somewhere that would be hard to find like on top of the fridge or behind the couch or something.

Turn everything that has a volume up all the way then turn the power off. You know, TVs, radios, and anything else that has a volume.

Turn off the water to the house at the curb. Yeah, go out to the street and cut the water supply. While you are at it, drain the water heater.

Put salt in the sugar and sugar in the salt. Depending on the person, do this one at your own risk.

Leave notes all over the house, such as “Taste Funny” on something in the fridge or “Smells Weird” on a piece of their underwear in the drawer.

Pair their socks with socks that don’t match. You know, an ankle sock with an over the calf sock and so on.

Get a carpet cleaner and clean one spot in a room and leave a note near the spot with an arrow pointing to the spot that reads “Not blood”.

Take some of their clean clothes and put in their laundry room, neatly folder or hung on hangers as if they had just been laundered.

Re-arrange their furniture. Not just move the living room furniture around, put bedroom furniture in there.

Add accent pieces to their living room, pieces that they didn’t already own.

Take something that won’t be hurt by getting wet (such as a toothbrush, hairbrush or can opener) make some jello and put it in the jello when you put it in the fridge, extra points if you can get it in the middle.

Put photos of random people that they don’t know on their fridge.

Lay out some of their clothing similar to a chalk outline.

Remove the batteries out of everything that run on batteries.

Take all of the fliers for things like lawn services, dry cleaning, water filtration, window washing and so on. Write things such as “Coming on Thursday” on them with a sharpie and leave them with the rest of the mail.

Leave fingerprints on every surface that they will show up on, TVs, microwave door, stainless steel appliances.

Line the floor with cling wrap like when a house is being shown, as in when a house is for sale.

Print up fake flyers for the house as if it were for sale and leave them in the entry way.

Cover all of the furniture with sheets

Hide all of the trash cans in the attic.

Spread birdseed everywhere, even throw it on the roof. Birds will flock to it and come back over and over again, it's kind of freaky to see tons of birds all over the place. 

Pop open the smoke detector, vent hood or maybe just an air vent and tape a piece of wire to the inside of it, then feed the wire through one of the holes. Leave loose wire hanging out. This works best on something that is not easy to reach, I recommend the smoke detector.

Fill the trash can with caution tape, crime scene tape is even better if you can get a hold of some.

Print up fake party/orgy flyers and leave them in trash cans throughout the house.

Borrow a live trap and leave it set up (bait and open) in the corner of a room.

Leave sticky notes on everything noting what they do. One on the light that says “Gets Bright”, one on the TV that says “shows moving pictures”, one on the faucet that says “Makes Water”, one on the a/c that says “<-makes house cold|makes house hot ->”, one on the oven that says “Gets Hot” and so on.

Put their junk mail in a box and wrap it up as a gift, leave it with a thank you note.

Take baby powder and leave four or five small lines, about two or three inches long with it. Put a tightly rolled up dollar next to it. Leave it laying there.

-          Don’t get dead

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Dear Sweezey - dental help info

Dear Sweezey,

im 32 with no job, no ins, and very bad teeth.the dental schools seem to take a long
time to get in, and then theres JPS. lookin for any other ideas.i grind my teeth,tried
those guards u can buy but they dont line up overbite,have broken teeth and need 2 root
cannals. so thanks for and ideas



Dear ro,

From the looks of your e-mail, it looks like your teeth are just one of many problems.
You say that the dental schools seem to take a long time, have you actually looked into how long it would take? I haven’t but I would assume that they have people getting ready to graduate all the time. I have no idea what JPS is so I can’t help you there. Why don’t you just go to a dentist? I mean you got money for the guards that don’t line up and you have a computer and internet service so you must have some form of income.

And if that’s not an option, I would recommend that you go to a shady part of town and start yelling racial slurs while standing in the middle of the street. That will surely cure your dental problem.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Monday, July 23, 2012

Dear Sweezey - Need to stop smoking

Dear Sweezey,

I've decided to quit smoking and I was wondering if you had any tips. Real tips that
actually help. Or if anyone out there is an ex-smoker or someone that has personally
known anyone who has quit could respond. All I ask is that you don't waste time telling
me to use patches. I've tried that. It doesn't help. Thanks in advance.

Around the way

Dear Around the way,

This may sound a bit nuts but, don’t light them. Simple, no?

Ok, so that won’t work for you? How about this, how about when you light one put on
a blindfold. Then set the cigarette down on a flat surface like a table and spin it around.
Next, with the blindfold still on, pick up the smoke and stick one end of it in your mouth.
You got a 50/50 shot that you will put the right end in your mouth. I bet that if you put

the business end in your mouth a couple of times you will be able to put them down for

Or how about this, every time you want to have a smoke you take an ambien about a
half hour before and then lay down on your back and light up. I know that if I woke up
with my neck or chest burning I could give a care less about smoking.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Dear Sweezey - What would you do?

Dear Sweezey,

What would you do for a Klondyke bar?

- anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I'd junk punch you if given an opportunity.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead
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