Friday, July 24, 2009

Most of you who know me know that I am a big fan of music, all music pretty much. But the other night at dinner I heard some of the most god-awful country music with a blatant praise of a lack of any sort of social acceptance. I don’t recall the name of the song or any of the lyrics at this point but I do remember that it was signing about things like living in trailers and having to struggle though life like it’s a good thing, almost scoffing at one for being successful. It made that redneck woman song sound like a lullaby. And from what I could tell it appeared to be a hit. I got nothing against country music, I like it, well some of it.

Anyway, I thought I would help out some of the country music song writers and give them a little head start with some country music song titles that seem to fit the trend.

Song titles like:
“My House and My Wife (Are Double Wide)”
“Yes, Your Honor”
“Hey Watch This!”
“Your Love Gave Me a Rash”
“Dirt Road Romeo”
“Plowboy Confessions”
“Dirty Fingernails and a Dirty Mind”
“In a Van Down by the River”
“T Tops and T Backs”
“Drive-Thru Window Rapunzel”
“Fishin’ and Wishin’ (That You’d Come Back)”
“You’re the Little Plastic Ring That Holds This Six Pack Family Together”
“I Can’t Paddle Upstream Without You”
“(Roll Bar or Toolbox) I Just Can’t Decide”
“I Wanna Go Fishing, But You’re The One with Worms”
“The Jerry Springer Show Just Called”
“I’m In Love with a Truck Stop Waitress”
“F You, F150”
“Even My Dog Hates Me”
“Say Hello to My Future (Ex-Wife)”
“I Drive a 30-Year Old Truck and Live in a Mobile Home but I’m Saving Up For a Harley”
“Can You Bring A Deer Rifle To The Zoo?”
“Chuck E. Cheese, Mickey Mouse, Same Thing”
“It’s The First of the Month, Wal-Mart Here I Come”
“Shotgun Shells and Wedding Bells”
“NASCAR and an Open Bar (I’ve Died and Gone to Heaven)”
“Catfish and Dog Fights”
“The Landlord Can Kiss My Ass, The Beer Man’s Got My Cash”
“Everyone Is Your Friend Until the Tab Comes”
“Testing the Shocks on My Truck”
“The Dog Is On the Chain, Come On Over”
“Three Kings (Earnhardt, Williams Jr. & Foxworthy)”
“Just Got Paid and I’m Still Broke”
“Can You Duct Tape a Broken Heart?”
“A Waffle House with a View”
“It’s Only Illegal If You Get Caught”

Just a thought.

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Drive-Thru Safari

Over the weekend last weekend, the wife and I loaded up the family in the family cruiser and made our way to the Fossil Rim Wildlife Center (and buffet) in lovely Glen Rose, TX.

This place is just exactly like it sounds like. You drive down this trail and see tons of animals freely roaming this big fenced in area. I think the trail is a little over nine miles long and the speed limit is like 10 or 15 mph. So the trip takes you a couple of hours if you stop and get pictures and feed the animals. Of course you can’t get out of the car and were told many, many, MANY times not to get out of the car.

In the area there is also a state park where you can see/play in fossilized dinosaur footprints along with a place called Dinoworld that has life sized replicas of dinosaurs. Not far from all of this is a nuclear power plant that you can tour and did I mention that Glen Rose is not far from Stephenville, where last year people saw UFOs. We were an Elvis sighting away from hitting the weird shit lottery!

Back to the drive-thru safari and speaking of the nuclear power plant, there are signs all over the trail that says if you hear the emergency sirens go off to turn your radio to a particular radio station for information due to a “nuclear emergency”. If I hear the sirens go off you can come dig your animals out of the grill of my car in my driveway. My car would look like a hillbilly’s truck on the first day of hunting season with no limit.

There is a small gift shop kind of thing at the start of the trail where you buy tickets and they have some snacks and souvenirs and whatnot there. In case you aren’t sure, it is like every other place where you take it right up the ass on souvenirs for the kids. And about halfway through the trail there are bathrooms, a restaurant, souvenir shop and a petting zoo. Just a word to the wise, pack a cooler! $30 freaking bucks for a few sandwiches. But there is no other option and trust me, when it’s 100+ degrees outside and you got some hungry kids in the car with another hour of slow moving traffic, you will shell out the 6 sawbucks too!

Oh, one other thing, at the place where you buy your tickets you can purchase a bag of food to feed the animals. But there is a catch, you can only feed certain animals and they have a flyer of the animals that they don’t want you to feed at all. Thing is, damn near every animal but the giraffe and the zebra look just like this damn animal. I didn’t know what to or not to feed. Oh, speaking of giraffes and zebras keep this straight, you can hand feed the giraffes but do NOT feed the zebras by hand. It kind of freaks out the kids if you call a zebra a mo-fo and punch it like that scene from “Conan the Barbarian” where he punches the camel and knocks it out.

Of course we got a bag of food for the critters. But they have some rule where you can only buy one bag of food per car per day or something like that. And yeah, we almost ended up with an entry for “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. I was tossing some critter chow on the ground near our car to get some sort of horned thing to get it close enough so that I could get some decent pictures of it when I guess it noticed the bag of food and thought to hell with these few pieces on the ground I will just eat straight out of the of bag. So he stuck his head in the car and I was feverishly trying to roll up the wrong window. Yeah, it sounded like a girl screamed…

This place also offers guided photo safaris, which I thought I saw but it just turned out to be some dumbasses standing up in the back of a truck. You see this place has some seriously steep hills and what goes up must come down. And it looked to me like it was at the same angle. Yep, they almost got dumped out of the bed of the truck. And I saw where they have night tours so that you can see the nocturnal creatures at play.

This place would be fun as hell if you got together with a bunch of your friends and were hammered. Well, with a sober driver of course. Oh and not in my car! I guess that’s why they kept telling everyone to make sure to stay in your car. Let me explain something to the workers there, the last thing my ass wants to do is to get gored by some animal when it’s 109 degrees outside and lay on the smoldering concrete bleeding and burning until the medics get there. I got no interest in being a human hibachi.

Someone told me that they actually had a safari like in Africa, where you hunt the animals. That’s kind of messed up isn’t it? These animals are confined to a small area by a chain link fence. Isn’t that like going fishing at SeaWorld?

Don’t get dead

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Question of the day - 7/14/2009

Action Movies

Forget the never ending amount of ammunition and the ability to continuously overcome insurmountable odds. And I won’t even touch on how there can be a major fight with explosions, people diving everywhere, dodging bullets and/or getting punched in the gut and face yet their hair never moves. Nope, won’t go into that. What I want to know is how is it that the small, sometimes just one guy, group of heroes in action movies are ALWAYS better shots than the huge armies of bad guys that they are fighting? Even when the good guys are shooting from the hip and the bad guys are taking aim. What’s up with that?

Don’t get dead

Thursday, July 09, 2009

The shitif haf hitif the fanif

The other day as I was in Pamplona running in front of the bulls, or maybe I was on my couch watching the movie Airplane – I often get those two confused, I got to thinking about some of the sayings that you hear in society and how some of them just don’t make sense.

Stuff like “his elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor” I got. And “not the brightest bulb in the box” I got that one too. Sayings like those are pretty easy to figure out. The ones that I am talking about are the ones where the mental picture or description has nothing to do with what the phrase means.

For example “the shit has hit the fan”, I know that it means things have gotten really bad but where did that saying come from? What is the collation between excrement and a fan? And is it bad because of the shit or because of the fan? And are we talking about a ceiling fan, a box fan, an oscillating fan or one of those hand held fans? Or maybe it’s a completely different kind of fan, like a person who cheers for a sports team. Maybe it is one of those kinds of fans. While we are on our little fact finding mission, is it human shit or cow shit or dog shit? I’m not sure why but I think it matters what kind of shit it is.

And why shit? I mean come on, you could use a lot of things to get the point across, but shit? That’s nasty. You could say the sugar free Jello instant pudding has hit the fan or the guacamole has hit the fan, the mud has hit the fan, the oil has hit the fan, the transmission from a 1972 Mercury Cougar has hit the fan. Any of those would get the point across. And if it has to be something from the body, why not the snot has hit the fan? Or blood, I mean you start talking about blood flying around and people are going to know that it is a bad situation. And who is going to clean it up?

Then there is this little piece of literary genius “going to see a man about a horse”. What in the hell does that have to do with taking a leak? Are you going to see a man about if the horse is fully hydrated? Or you got some weird sick bestiality thing going on? You know what horses do to carrots don’t ya? CHOMP! Cut you off at the quick.

Speaking of horses and dumbass sayings “got to pee like a Russian race horse”, I know what it means but why a Russian race horse? Something special about race horses in Russia that has to do with peeing? Why not a Swedish race horse? Or an Australian race horse? This some sort of cold war insult or something? And why a horse? I mean, yeah they are big animals but you ever see a cow pee? You better get a couple of mops to clean that up. And if you going for an animal that is big why not an African Elephant? Or a Beluga Whale? Ever see one of those fuckers? They are pretty big too. I guess maybe a Sperm Whale would be a better choice.

Another one is “drop it/you/them like a bad habit”. Anyone out there got a bad habit like smoking, popping your knuckles or talking with food in your mouth? They are hard as hell to drop. So this phrase makes no sense. You know what if you hear someone say this in public, go ahead and junk punch them. You have my permission (except me because I might say it from time to time!).

I heard someone say that it was “hot as balls” outside the other day. I don’t even know how to address this.

Another one would be “shit eating grin”. Shouldn’t that be shit eating gag? Who would grin while eating shit? And why would you grin? Are you supposed to be proud to be eating that? I don’t think I could stop throwing up if I ever did that.

And why so many sayings about shit?

What about this classic, “colder than a witch’s tit” which is sometimes accompanied by “in a brass bra”. I have heard people say that it’s “colder than a well digger’s ass”, that I get. I mean go dig a deep hole and see how the temperature changes. But I digress. And maybe it’s just me but I always thought that brass was kind of heavy, so why would anyone wear a bra made out of it? That can’t be comfortable or look good. And what does a witch have to do with it? They have some sort of lower body temperature or something? I don’t personally know any witches, but I know a lot of bitches, which has got to be pretty damn close and the only thing cold about them is their heart, not their tits.

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

The Mall

The other day I went to the mall with my family, why you may ask. Because I am a sadist or masochist or which ever one likes to be tortured. You see, not only was it about 1,000 degrees outside but the mall we were going to is very popular so it was a double dumbass day at the mall.

Just to give you a little peep into what was going to make this mall trip so much fun, my 3 year old son thought it would be a good idea to color instead of taking a nap like we told him too. But he didn’t color in a book. Nope he colored on himself, with a permanent marker none the less. There he is with his free hand tribal tats, all over his arms and legs. Thank god he didn’t go Mike Tyson on us and do his face too.

We tried to get it off of him but the best we could do was to make it fade a little bit. Wanna guess what it looked like? It looked like we force fed him about a half dozen Whataburgers, three pots of black coffee and a couple of jars of jalapenos then kept him out of the bathroom for a couple of days. The boy was a mess.

To make a long story shorter, while spending the afternoon at the mall we decided to get something to eat at the food court. As we are making our way to the food court I see a girl that I could best describe as a beefy suicide girl. The family makes their way to get something to eat, I wanted something from a different place, and I go find a table for us. When they get to the table I get my son to go over to their table, point to his arms and legs and say “Nice Ink”. Did you know that a human can shoot a mouthful soft taco a good 15 feet when they begin to laugh? And she got a pretty good spray too!

About the time that I found a table my kids see the vending machines and claw games that are in the food court and want to go play them. I had some change and didn’t care of they blew it trying to get a stuffed animal or something like that. What I didn’t know is that my son found the Hyper Mega Super Ball machine and used the change I gave him to buy one. This ball is not quite the size of a baseball but bigger than a golf ball. What I also didn’t know is that he realized that we were on the third floor of the mall. As I was watching him and just about the time I said “Oh no, surely he’s not going to…” this is when I learned that my son has one hell of an arm. He hurled that ball over the rail. I saw it make one bounce and then heard a lot of people yelling. Ooops! Do you have any idea how fast a 3 year old can haul ass back to the table when they realize that they have made a mistake?

As I said before I wanted to get something to eat from a different place than the rest of my family so I go and make my way to the restaurant that I want to eat at and get in line. Just as if someone had scripted it, this older woman and her (I guess) son get behind me in line. When it gets to be mine turn I tell the guy what I want and make my way down the line, just like most people with common sense. This lady is asking what everything is, what’s in it and so on. You could just see the guy behind the counter wanted to stab her in the eye with a spork. Since there were so many people in the mall that day there was a bit of a line. When it got to be my turn to pay I get out my card, hand it to the guy behind the counter and then grab a bottle of hot sauce and start to pour some onto my food. About the time the guy is handing me my card back the question lady asks me “What’s that?” and I simply could not resist. I reply to her “I don’t know, but it makes my poop funny colors. Burns like hell too” and just walked away.

Don’t get dead
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