Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Just don’t talk to me!!

As I have written about before, sometimes things in the bathroom are funny. Mash here and here and here and here and here and finally here.

But damnit dude, don’t talk to me while I am peeing! I don’t want to talk about plans for the upcoming weekend/holiday, I don’t give a damn what your kids did in soccer OR basketball, I don’t want a recap of a recent meeting, I don’t want to hear about some new restaurant that you took your wife too and I damn sure don’t want to discuss the weather with you. I just want to piss, wash my hands and get out of there. I am not hanging out in the shiter because I think it’s cool, I just want to drop off what ever it is I came in there to drop off and leave. If you ask me what my upcoming plans are while I am holding my junk, you are going to get a very honest answer and you’re probably not going to like it. So if I hear, “hey man, got any plans for the big weekend?” while I am holding my dork, the response you get might be, “I think I am going to try to stick this in my wife”. Just letting you know. There is no need for epic conversations while in the head, that is gay.

And if you see me go into a stall you better damn sure not strike up a little chat because at the very most you will get a grunt or some sort of animal noise out of me and that’s about it.

I now know why monkeys throw shit. It’s to get you to leave them the hell alone while they are taking a dump. Damn, can I get no peace?

Don’t talk to me in the can.

And

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dear Sweezey - What does one do?

Dear Sweezey,

I cant stand my wife. All she does is think about herself, her well being, or does things to make herself look good and she doesnt care at what cost. She fucks over her friends and family all the time and know one will say anything to her because it seems most people she knows are afraid of her. I want to leave but am also afraid. Mostly because I'm not sure what she would do, too me. She is so two faced and believed. I hate it. Thinking of leaving my wife which is much easier said then done. What does one do?

Scared Spouse



Dear Scared Spouse,

Let me get this straight, you got a woman who cares about herself and what she looks like, not some slob who doesn’t do shit, and you want to leave her? Yeah, you should go right ahead and do that.

Maybe she is just tired of being with some idiot who doesn’t know the difference between “know” and “no” and apparently doesn’t believe in using punctuation either.

Here is a crazy idea, why don’t you start to better yourself and maybe, just maybe she will quit banging the pizza delivery guy. At least he has personality going for him.

Get off the internet, read a book, wash your ass, do something!

- Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Sweezey – Cat Turds

Dear Sweezey,

My dog (who is no longer allowed to lick me) thinks the cat box is Furr's Cafeteria. Short of shooting the dog do you have any suggestions how to stop this crappy behavior.

Thanks,

Cat Box City



Dear Cat Box City,

Ok genius, maybe if you worked more on having common sense and less on your puns you could have figured this one out on your own.

Why don’t you just move the litter box to a place where the cat can get to it but the dog can’t?

You’re a bright one aren’t you.

Thanks,

Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Pool Repair Question

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know about how much it costs to have a pool re plastered? Mine is about 5 years old and need some TLC. I noticed a small crack about 3 feet long in it over the weekend.

Any good connections for a quality affordable contact?

Can it be done in winter?

Thanks,

Pool Guy



Dear Pool Guy,

Are you retarded or something? You booted up your computer, logged into your e-mail, e-mailed me your question and are sitting by your computer waiting with bated breath, feverishly hitting refresh on your e-mail waiting for my response instead of using a search engine to find someone who does pool repair in your area and already have an answer.

Pool repair is very expensive, but you can do it yourself! And yes it can be done in the winter. What you want to do is make sure that your pool is full of water and then you want to get a bag of plaster of Paris. Go ahead and jump into your pool and start to smear the plaster of Paris all over the crack in the pool, make sure that you cover it really well.

Now here is the key, you want to stay in the water until the plaster dries, if it starts to peel or come off, keep applying more plaster. That way when you die from stupidity/pneumonia the next home buyer will get a great deal.

Please God don’t breed,

Sweezey


Don’t get dead

Monday, December 15, 2008

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

Thank you for all of the gifts that you have bestowed upon us. Thank you for the little birdies in the sky and the fish in the sea and thank you for all of the other animals that run around on the ground. Thank you for the clouds in the sky and the grass on the ground. Thank you for the refreshing rain and the shining sun. Thank you for the mountains so high and the valleys so deep. Thank you for the trees, the flowers, the bushes and the soil. Thank you for how the leaves change color as the seasons change. And thank you for all of the sites and sounds that you have created.

But bitch if you don’t quit fucking with the weather you are going to make me crazy! My allergies are going nuts. And almost 80 one day and then 30 the next? What is up with that shit? You better quit fucking around.

Again, thanks!

Don’t get dead

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Dear Sweezey – Can you please tell me

a good place for someone who is bipolar to work at that isn't Starbucks and doesn't involve the cleaning of piss, puke, or shit?

Preferably a place with no drug screening, good health insurance, and still isn't Starbucks.

Seriously it would be even better if only really ugly people inside or out worked and/or shopped there (to avoid romantic entanglements) and hopefully where a good sense of humor is NOT appreciated

Thank you,

Chris

Dear Chris,

I hear the government is hiring. Not sure that will be the best job to help avoid romantic entanglements but you win some and you loose some.

- Sweezey


As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – I need help

Dear Sweezey,

Why can't he just tell me he likes me? Or tell me to fuck off. One of the two. I don't understand why he's playing with me like that. Why would you do that? If he would just tell me how he feels, just once. I can stay...or move on.

Confused

Dear Confused,

Maybe he “don’t think of you in that way” like the BS that women tell men all the time. Maybe he “just likes you as a friend”. Maybe he “isn’t ready to get involved with someone right now”. Maybe he “just got out of a bad relationship”. Maybe the tide has turned and a guy is giving a girl some of their own medicine!

Or maybe he is just using you to get laid, how the hell am I supposed to know?

- Sweezey


Don’t get dead

Saturday, December 13, 2008

More pictures of my kids

Ok, I can’t let everyone think that we only get bad pictures of our kids, just when they are with Santa. For some reason they freak out like he is Satan and not Santa. But sometimes we get great shots like the ones we took a couple of weeks ago. Like this one.




Not to worry, this blog isn’t going to turn into one of those looks what my kids did today blogs, but I did have to brag on them and our photography skills too. So here are a few more that didn’t make it onto the Christmas card. Enjoy







Don't get dead

So much to write about

So much has happened lately but I have just been so busy that I haven’t had time to write about it all.

Let see, one of my sister-in-laws had a baby and even though I have not gotten to actually see him in person yet, I love him anyway.

**************************

Last Saturday night was my office’s holiday party. Not to brag, but I work with some really cool people. We had a blast sitting around and talking with each other. And everyone’s spouses are really cool too. I think I am going to have a party just for the heck of it because we have not laughed like that in a long time. And it was really cool to see everyone when they are away from work.

**************************

As young as they are, my children already hate things. Two things in general, one is toilet paper. My four year old uses just about half a roll every time she wipes. Since she is flushing so much of it she must hate it.

And both of them hate sleep, whether it is theirs or ours. I swear we can not get them to sleep, little vampires they are. And if they do get to sleep they bring their pre-dawn, miniature rendition of “Stomp” into our bedroom long before we are ready for it.

************************

I am in the holiday spirit like a mofo and very jealous the New Orleans got snow but Dallas didn’t.

************************

There are other things but I don’t recall them right now.

************************

Life is good

************************

Don’t get dead

Friday, December 12, 2008

My kids are going to be on Good Morning America tomorrow

Well a picture of them is. Apparently they (Good Morning America) is/was having a contest where they wanted pictures of kids with Santa. By suggestion of a friend, we sent in this and they producers just called my wife to get their names and ages.

Enjoy




Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 12/12/08

Would you rather

your parents walk in on you while having sex

-OR-

walk in on your parents having sex?


Yeah..



Well…



Ummm..



So how about this weather that we are having?


Don’t get dead

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Zobmondo Question for 12/10/08

Would you rather

have a booger hanging out of your nose while at a company party and no one tell you

-OR-

sit in something to where it looks like you crapped your pants in the mall?




I will take the sitting in something. Know why? Two reasons actually, NO BODY is checking out this sweet seat and two, like I care about a bunch of mall dwellers. I could care less and will probably never see them again anyway.

Don’t get dead

Hit and run

Hey everyone, sorry that I have not been around much lately. I have been working like a mad man. But I do have plenty of good stuff to entertain you with. But right now I am about to have a beer (or several) and then check my eyelids for holes.

Talk to ya soon.

Don’t get dead

Friday, December 05, 2008

What not to get your girl for Christmas

A couple of times today I heard a “news” story on what not to get for your girlfriend/wife for Christmas. And each of the items had a reason behind it why it was not a good idea. Both the gifts and the reason why you shouldn’t give it as a gift where pretty common sense things. Such as don’t give a vacuum cleaner because it might give the impression that she is your property and there to serve you… I know guys, I am having a hard time keeping quiet on this one too. Another item was tickets to a sporting event, supposedly this is not an item that she could enjoy by herself. And the list went on and on, things like cookware, costumes for sex, regular clothing, scales and so on.

So I thought that I would put together my own list of things that you shouldn’t buy for your girl for Christmas.

- Vagisil
- FMF threesomes for dummys book
- A personal grooming DVD
- A one-way ticket anywhere
- The book “Let’s Talk About Your Fucking Mother”
- A gun cleaning kit
- A membership to a swinger site
- The book “How to Shut Up When the Game Is On”
- The complete first season of “At Home With Ike and Tina Turner” on DVD
- Driving Lessons
- Shampoo for crabs
- The book “Hookers: The Worlds Oldest Profession”
- Jumbo panty liners
- The book “101 Reasons Why I Am Lucky to Have a Man”
- Valtrex
- The book “Shit Up Means SHUT, UP!”
- A book on how to clean house
- A toothbrush
- Cookbooks
- Just Because You Don’t Like the Way it Smells Don’t Mean it Stinks on paperback
- How to give head like a porn star on DVD
- Weight Loss surgery information
- Order Eaters
- The book “Farts Really Are Funny”


It’s not that these are bad gifts, just that they might get taken the wrong way.

Don’t get dead

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Inspired!

I was just taking a look at Chud’s blog and he inspired me. For those of you who don’t know, Chud is a connoisseur of porn. And like any good connoisseur he gives his opinions of what he likes and doesn’t like. So the businessman side of me got to thinking and I have quiet possibly the best idea ever thought up!

Porno market research! That’s right, porno companies would send “researchers” porn to watch and give their honest evaluation of. What a fan-damn-tastic idea! I mean one could not only potentially get a continuous supply of the most cutting-edge adult erotica but they could also get paid for it!

Now of course if any of the other connoisseurs are like me they will have to review the material over several hours if not days, in three to five minute segments with naps in between. I mean, you got to be thorough right? Yeah, that’s it, thorough.

I swear sometimes I wonder how companies aren’t beating my door down asking me to help them with their companies.

Don’t get dead

Finish the sentence

The one thing that I regret the most about my life is …



...that I didn't listen to my parents more. I know, I know, how cheesy can one guy be but it's true. I really wish that I listened to what they were telling me more. I hate that I was such a shithead when I was younger.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 12/4/08

Would you rather

get your hair cut by a blind person

-OR-

have a CD stuck in your CD player that keeps skipping and you can't turn it down or off?



Since I have to pick one, I guess I would go with the CD that skips. I mean it would drive me nuts but at some point I think that I could block it out. But for some reason it's not the thought of a bad haircut that bothers me as much as it is getting jabbed in the head with those pointy scissors that gets to me. Oh and the chance of loosing an ear or something like that too.

Don't get dead

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Dear Sweezey – My Husband

Dear Sweezey,

My Husband is a SLOB! I can't stand it anymore. I am tired of picking up after him like a god damn child. He won't throw anything in the gargabge 2 feet away from him. He leaves his dirty dishes with old food and cups everywhere. He makes a mess and leaves it for me like I am his fricking maid. I am married to him (hhhh) I am not his mother. I go on silent strikes and he doesn't even notice he is blind to the mess! I clean my ass off for nothing. I am sick of it I hate almost everything about him. He won't grow up, and he won't clean up. All he cares about is eating sleeping getting drunk video games and old tv shows. There is more to life to life! I want more!! I am loosing my mind! I had to vent before I snap. I am only one person and I already have 2 children I don't need my grown husband being more needy demanding and lazy than my own kids. I am constantly telling him to clean up after himself because it is disgusting! Like he has no sense of smell and can't tell he is stepping in shit and piss? AAAARGGGG!!!!

- The wife


Dear The Wife,

Honey, is that you? Point taken!

That whole "All he cares about is eating sleeping getting drunk video games and old tv shows." thing was a bit too close for me.

- Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Finish the sentence

If I won the lottery, the first thing that I would do is …


... tell a long list of people to kiss my ass!

Then I would go out and buy a kick ass house, a Lambo, a big-ass-fucking-yacht and let the good times roll. And then I would set up a few large trusts for my children. Then I would drink myself into a stupor!

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 12/3/08

Would you rather

be able to cure world hunger by loosing the love of your life

-OR-

cure every major disease by being alone for the rest of your life?


Make your choice before you read mine!



This choice sucks. But since we HAVE to pick one, I think that I would cure every major disease, that way I would have the piece of mind that my family would never be seriously ill. And if I had to be alone at least knowing that would make me feel a little (very little) bit better.

Don't get dead

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Have a little fun

Remember a while back I wrote about things that I do when I get bored. Well here is something that falls into that category that you can have a little fun with during this busy holiday season.

Sometimes while I am in a stall in a public restroom and someone gets into or is already in the stall next to me I will ask in a serious voice, "Agent 17, do you have the data?" This has gotten responses from, "Hey man, there aint no Agent 17 here" to laughter to silence to a quick flush and someone hauling ass out of the mens room.

Another thing that is fun to do is to use some sort of knock on the stall wall and in the same serious voice say something that sounds like it is out of a spy movie. My favorite one to use is "The CROW flies at MIDNIGHT" really putting emphasis on crow and midnight. I think one guy pinched off what he was doing and just left when I did this once.

Now if you really want to screw with someone take a folder into the restroom with you and have some documents in it, I just type up various text that looks like it had to be decoded to read on various sheets of paper. Then I will knock on the wall, slide the folder under the stall wall and say something like, "Godspeed!" or "the package has been delivered" (maybe into your phone) or "destroy this after reading" or "the nation thanks you" and then just leave the restroom.

This is a great time of year to do stuff like this because so many people are out shopping. This is also fun to do at airports!

Don't get dead

Saturday, November 29, 2008

People in the south are trendsetters

I know that the south has this reputation of being backwards and slow but when you examine it, they really are trendsetters, at least in areas of things for the house.

For instance, when I was young most houses had three bed rooms max, so what did people in the south do? They closed in the garage making a fourth bed room. And if that wasn’t enough they would take and close in the back patio, creating another room, which could be a bed room. Now, most houses in this area are at lest four bed rooms.

And I can remember seeing old claw foot bath tubs out in the yard where the home owner would fill it with water so that the sun could heat the water. What do you know, that was the first hot tub! Now people everywhere have hot tubs.

It was also common to see people with sinks, stoves, big grills, deep fryers and so on in their back yards. Now people call them outdoor kitchens. People called them redneck, little did they know that they were ahead of their time!

When I was growing up you could drive out in the country and see people with sofas, tables and chairs on their porch and patios. Well what do you know, those were outdoor living areas, which are one of the hottest trends now. Coincidence? I think not! Matter of fact, I heard a guy from England say how impressed he was with people in the south because they had so much money that they could buy furniture that they didn’t have room for in their house.

I am not here to try to bust any stereotypes here, I just saying … :)


Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/29/08

Would you rather

get caught cheating with your best friend's spouse

-OR-

get caught cheating with a stranger's spouse?


Remember, this is if you HAD to pick one. This is a tough one. I think I would have to pick the best friend one. The reason would be because you would have a little piece of mind because you know the person and how they live.

Sort of a dammed if you do, dammed if you don't scenario.

Don't get dead

Finish the sentence for 11/29/08

The last time I got drunk I …


Oh I remember this one, and it scared me. The last time that I got drunk I came home and started a blog about how do fish know who has the right of way underwater. Because you never see fish run into each other like cars do. Well maybe they do, but you just don't see it. Oh boy, that was a good party!

Don't get dead

Friday, November 28, 2008

Finish the sentence for 11/28/08

I could not live without …


Most definitely my family. Oh and coffee! Dear god, I could not live without coffee.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/28/08

Hey everyone! Sorry that I have been out of pocket, been kind of busy with the holidays and all. But I am back and here is the Zobmondo question for today.

Would you rather

Would you rather

have all of the money you would ever want, but it’s all in pennies

-OR-

be given every thing in your life (food, house, car, clothing, etc) but have to publicly beg for it?




I will take the pennies one. I would love to pay cash for a Lamborghini and pay for it with pennies. I think that would be funny as hell. Plus I would hate to have to depend on someone else for everything.

Don't get dead

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Zobmondo Question for 11/25/08

Would you rather

be debt free

-OR-

eleven years ahead of schedule?





Come on, simple, debt free. Because if I was going to be debt free the first thing I would do is head down to the Lambo dealership and then I would pick out a casa de grande! Additionally, if I was debt free I would be a hell of a lot farther than 11 years ahead of schedule.


Don’t get dead

Damnit!

I had something to write about and I totally forgot it.

Don’t get dead

Friday, November 21, 2008

Finish the sentence for 11/21/08

My first love is ...


For me the answer is right below my watch :)


Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/21/08

Would you rather

be able to bring about a lasting world peace

-OR-

eliminate all hunger and disease?



I would take world peace, because that way I could travel to the Middle East without having to worry about being killed. Ok, maybe when I got back we would do the whole hunger and disease thing. But I would love to see the world first.

Don’t get dead

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Trippin

I am by no means a saint. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but sadly it is true. The reason that I am no saint is because I had one hell of a good time growing up. And by good time I mean we did a lot of bad shit. If this is news to you, you must be new to my blog. Trust me, go read my older post you will love them. And that’s one thing about my blog, the old post are still gold! But this post isn’t about my older post it is about one particular night while in high school. Let’s all pile into the way-back machine shall we!

One cool Saturday night in the winter of my senior year of high school I was on my way to a bonfire party. When I got to this party it was no surprise to see about 40 of my friends who I used to run with already at the party. Since I was a wee lad of only 17 years on this earth it should come to no ones surprise that the majority of us were consuming beverages that may contain a percentage of alcohol. Who am I kidding we would drink Scope if we couldn’t get someone to buy us booze. So anyway we were on our way to Shitfacedville, population all of us. Like I said, it was a Saturday night. Now this group that I used to run with liked to get a little wild and sometimes we might get a little loud and we might raise just a little hell every now and then. Shock, I know.

For what ever reason someone slipped a hit of acid or something into one of my buddies beers that night. Of course at the time we didn’t know this. Now this particular friend was a small guy, kind of quiet and didn’t really look for trouble but it always seemed to find him. Another little tid bit about this guy is that he is HORRIFIED by grave yards, funeral homes and hospitals. Anything to do to with death and dying freaks him out royally. Not to worry, I got a story about that too, but that is for later. So anyway this guy, whose mom was a nurse ironically, would just geek out being around funeral homes, grave yards and hospitals. I mean this guy could spot an ambulance a mile way. I have no idea where this comes from but it has always freaked him out ever since we were little.

Back to this particular night, we are at this party and he is acting a bit odd but hell I just thought his sack dropped and he finally hit puberty. But as the course of the night went on he keeps finding me and telling me that he feels weird and that we need to go. So I tell him to haul ass, he didn’t need my permission to take off, which was always followed by calling him a light weight or something like that. Yeah, I am a dick. So after a couple of hours of this he finds me again and tells me that we need to go. Of course I can’t be nice and concerned about my friend so I ask him, “what’s this “we” you speak of white man?” and tell him that I was fine just where I was. Around this time he pulls me away from who ever I was talking to and hands me his keys and says, “Take me to the hospital, I am freaking out”. Now he has my attention for two reasons. One, as I mentioned the whole freaking out about hospitals thing and two, he NEVER lets anyone drive his car.

As we are walking towards his car this girl that he has been sort of seeing yells for us to wait up and ask where we are going. My friend, not wanting to make himself look like a major pussy, says that we were just going to go for a ride and that he wanted to show me something that he did to his car. Nice job McFly, thinking fast on your feet. *BOOM* did you hear that? Yeah, that was the sound of his plan backfiring. She wants to go with us. You have heard of non-verbal communication before right? Well his face screamed “oh fuck” if there ever was an “oh fuck” face. I tried to interject and tell her that we would be right back but she still wanted to go. Sorry fuckface, I tried. So he quietly ask for his keys back and sort of shuffles to his car. Now I am torn, while I am a bit concerned about my fried and his safety/health, the thought of watching him suffer through trying to not geek out in front of some chick he was trying to nail was going to be to much to pass up. “Shotgun” I called but was rejected because of that damn Y chromosome. Fine with me, the cooler is in the back anyway. So we are on our little trip down a very dark country road when all of the sudden in one swooping move lasting about a split second, my buddy throws the car into neutral, jerks up the parking brake, opens the door and bails out like a fucking paratrooper while the car is still moving. HOLY SHIT! What the fuck was that all about? Where the hell did he go?! All of that went though my mind in about one millisecond. Oh the chick, she was just screaming her ass off. So there I am steering this car from the back seat wedged between the front seats with this bitch piercing my ear drums with one long continues note.

Finally after what seemed like 20 miles the car stops and I figure out how to let myself out of this two door car from the backseat, oh and the girl, still screaming. About the time that I finally get out of the car, my buddy comes walking up like it was nothing. So I ask the fall guy, “dude, what the fuck was that all about” and he calmly replies, “oh nothing, I thought that I felt a bug on my arm”. You go airborne ranger out of a car on me while doing 40 miles an hour when I am in the back seat and it’s “nothing”. If ole Janet Leigh back there hadn’t given me a migraine I would kick the crap out of you here and now. Get you monkey ass back in that car now. No sooner had he got back in the car and started turn the key had he flinched and jumped out again. Come to fine out, it was the air conditioning blowing the hair on his arm that he was feeling. Ok numbnuts, time for a new driver. Of course instead of his buddy who he had known for almost his entire life, he ask this squish to drive. Fine, the cooler is still back here even if the beer is a bit shaken up after that little Robbie Knievel stunt back there, plus it’s your interior so what do I care if I spill a little beer.

During the course of this little road trip he cleverly gives her directions back towards town. What he also did was start to relax a little bit which in turn caused him to fuck up his cool. You see, since he started to relax, he forgot that the girl didn’t know he was freaking out.

As we are getting closer to the hospital I notice that every so often my friend would spastically change the radio station. We would be listening to one station and then as one song would end he would franticly start hitting the seek button, finally settling on a station. Then he leans back, exhales a big breath and I see him start to tap his foot. After this series of events happened a couple of times I asked him, “Dude!” (giving the WTF look) and he looks back at me with this crazy face. “What’s with you freaking out on the radio” and he says, “I have to keep finding a station that has a song playing”. To which I asked, “Why?” and he tells me that he has to tap his foot to the beat of the music to keep his heart beating and that every time that the DJ would talk or if they played a commercial he would loose the rhythm and he might die.

This would be the exact moment when the girl looks over at him, much like Stiffler from the “American Pie” movies, and says, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

I almost flooded his car with urine as I was laughing so hard.

Now he has to explain the whole thing to her and somehow save face with her. Not only did he pull this off, he managed to talk her into circling the hospital for at least a half hour. I finally told them that I had had enough of this bullshit and that they needed to take me back to my car or find someone to buy us more beer. Fortunately, the girl felt the same way, well about the having enough of this bullshit part and decides to drive back to the party, have her girlfriend follow her to his house so that she could drop him off and then they would go home too. Good times!

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/18/08

Would you rather

be able to stop time while you slept

-OR-

never need to do laundry?


I would like to be able to stop time while I slept. It is a double edge sword because the bad crap will not pass by as I slept but I would be able to enjoy more of my children growing up.

Don't get dead

Monday, November 17, 2008

Getting ready for the feast

Over the weekend I fired up the ole smoker and hooked up some pretty tasty ribs, if I do say so myself. And I am getting ready to smoke the birds for Thanksgiving, checking out different things people use when smoking turkeys. And if that wasn’t enough to get one in the mood for a feast, the episode of Iron Chef American was things that would have been around for the first Thanksgiving Day feast.

So that got me to thinking about some of the things that might have been over heard at the first Thanksgiving Day feast and here is a list of them!

- When can we take these stupid fucking hats off?
- I can’t wait for someone to invent football!
- Hey, don’t get your wigwam in a twist, I’m just saying…
- Holy shit, that’s a lot of injuns!
- Nice tomahawk work there Johnny RedClaw, where did you learn how to do that? What, scalping? Oh, let me go see what the children are doing…
- In many moons from now, some guy called a redneck will take the extract from these peanuts and heat it up and then drop one of these fine birds in it and people will rave over it.
- What the F is tryptophan?
- What are these carbs that you speak of?
- What’s in this pipe again?
- Dude! Enough with the damn drums, I got a head ache and Tylenol has not been invented yet!
- Say squaw, you want to suck on my piece pipe? I would damn sure give thanks!
- Hey, I got an idea! Let’s build these things called floats and go up to a place called New York and walk with them in a line! No? Well I bet it catches on in a couple of hundred years.
- Guy 1 – Do you think these are Navajos? Guy 2 – Nah, they are just regular hoes.


Just an idea, what do you think?

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/17/08

Would you rather

be mechanically induced to scream at the top of your lungs for an hour

-OR-

have your eyes glued shut for a day?



Again, EASY. I would take the eyes glued shut. Hell, I would welcome it. That would be a day that I got to sleep all day, hell yeah. Talk about making up for lost time. I would see if I could get my wife to drive me to a hotel, check in, rip the phone out of the wall and off to dream land I go!

Don’t get dead

It is to laugh

Traffic fatalities have got to be about to go up. Why? Because of this new car rim. You see in this world of “look at me” minded people who are already preoccupied with their cell phones while driving, this mobile distraction called the “Pimpstar”, is going to really jack up the fatality rates.



I would guess that they are going to jack up auto theft totals as well.

I don’t dislike the rims, I just know that the legions of mindless goobs that freely roam the highways and who aren’t bright enough to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them are not going to pay attention to the small things like, oh I don’t know, other cars on the road, red lights and things like that. I mean I see accidents where phones are to blame all the time around here.

And you thought those stupid-ass spinners where bad.

So ladies and gentlemen, buckle up and this time I mean it...

Don’t get dead!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Dear Sweezey - Crazy Weather

Dear Sweezey,

You know you live in Texas when its warm one day and cold the next. Brrr, it was a chilly this morning. Had to turn on the oven to warm up the place. Thinking of lighting the pilot on the furnace. Is it too early? Or should I tough it out? The extended forecast shows a few cooler nights.

Thanks,

Winter Wonderer


Dear Winter Wonderer,

Have you read my Dear Sweezey post before? You really came to me with a weather question? Ok, here is what I think you should do, you should not light the pilot on the furnace until June or July. Oh and another thing that you should do is to open all of the windows in your house, especially at night. And then you should go get a cold bath late at night and then don’t dry off and go right to bed. But don’t dry off and sleep on top of the covers.

Look jackass, its NOVEMBER, if someone has to tell you to turn on the heat when it is cold out, you deserve anything you get. How stupid are you? Do people have to tell you to wipe after you have crapped? Do you need some strangers’ advice on eating when you are hungry? Why do you need someone to tell you to light the pilot on your heater when it is cold? I mean, the economy is not the best right now but how much are we talking about spending? Probably less than a dollar a month.

- Sweezey

Don't get dead

Finish the sentence for 11/16/08

If I could go back in time and change one thing, I would go back and change…


I have often thought about this one and I thought that if I could go back and change one thing that I would keep JFK from getting shot. I have often wondered how the US, and the world for that matter, would be different if he didn’t get shot.

A very close second would be to stop 9/11 from happening.

Don't get, well, you know

Zobmondo Question for 11/16/08

Would you rather

down a 50 foot razor blade into a vat of alcohol

-OR-

suck all the snot out of a dog's nose until its head caves in?



Yeah, got to go with the razor blade I guess, maybe I could slide down on some of my fat and it would lop it right off. I have seen what dogs lick so the thought of sucking on their mucus is rather revolting.

Don't get dead

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Zobmondo Question for 11/15/08

Would you rather

have 15 nails hammered into your tongue

-OR-

have your saliva permanently transmuted to urine?


Got to go with the nails on this one. I guess I could at least pull them out, but urine, oh hell no.

Don't get dead

Friday, November 14, 2008

I over married

I always knew my wife was smart, way smarter that me, which is one of the things that initially attracted me to her and still does. But I had no idea how much smarter than me she was when we first started dating and got married.

You see we were talking at work earlier about holiday traditions. Well that conversation morphed into gift giving. I happened to mention that when my wife and I first got married she was giving me killer gifts. The first year that we were married she gave me an air compressor and a nail gun.

Now I am a bit of tool nerd so I was on cloud nine. There I am thinking that my wife is the crème de la crème of wives because she bought me tools.

What she did was set my ass up.

You see our conversation right after I opened these gifts went a little something like this.

Me – Wow, this is awesome! Thank you so much! I love it.
Her – Really?
Me – Hell yeah, it rules.
Her – Are you sure? If there is a different one that you would rather have we can exchange it.
Me – Oh no, this one rules.
Her – Oh good, I was afraid that you wouldn’t like it.
Me – (while pretend nailing things) No way, this is perfect
Her – Good, so do you think you could put up some crown molding with it in our master bathroom?

And that’s when I realized that I am just my wife’s puppet. She Jedi mind tricks me to doing stuff that I had no intentions of doing. Here I am thinking she just gave me a cool gift when in reality she was just planting the home improvement seed.

She still mind tricks me to this day. We can be lying in bed and she will say, “is it warm in here or is it just me?” and without saying another word I will get up, walk over to the wall and turn the fan on. I wasn’t warm or anything, hell, I was just about asleep.

Now I look back and wonder what my life would have been like if I was attracted to dumb chicks.

Don’t get dead

Birthdays

Tomorrow is the birthday of one of my children. And in this family we have this really weird/odd thing that happens with birthdays. Most of them are either on a holiday/special day or another family member’s birthday.

For example, my birthday is on/around Memorial Day, my wife’s birthday is a few days after Christmas and if that wasn’t weird enough she shares it with one of her sister’s. And no they are not twins. They are three years apart actually. One of my children shares a birthday with my wife’s other sister. My mother-in-law’s birthday is birthday is very near Halloween and my father-in-laws birthday is close to Christmas as well. One of my nephews birthday is on Valentines Day. So it’s always some neat little affiliation with each birthday.

But my child whose birthday is tomorrow shares it with my mom. But you see my mom passed away eight years ago from cancer, so it’s always a bitter-sweet day. I mean I love my children more than I could ever express and I love my mom too, but it makes me a bit sad because my mom never got to meet my children.

So if I am unable to bring the funny over the weekend that is the reason. But I will try.

I have no idea why I am writing this, just something that I felt I needed to do. Hope I didn’t bum everyone out.

But on a side note, I really do appreciate everyone who reads it and comments on it. And I thank you.

Finish the sentence for 11/14/08

Every time that I want some loving, I know that I am going to have to …


For me, I know that it starts with going to the ATM... JOKE.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/14/08

Would you rather

have someone call you by the wrong name for a year

-OR-

be interrupted every time you started to speak for a year?


It would have to be the wrong name for me, the interrupting thing makes me mental.

Don’t get dead

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Finish the sentence

It’s not a good party unless…


For me, it's not a good party unless I get to see some boobs. But that's me, your answer might be a bit more socially acceptable. So what is it that makes a good party for you?

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Questions for 11/13/2008

Would you rather

step in dog feces every day for a month

-OR-

have your phone randomly disconnect during calls for a month?

Again, an easy choice for me, I would take the phone one. I absolutely detest lengthy pointless phone calls. So if my call got cut short that might actually be a blessing. Plus dog crap is just nasty.

Don't get dead

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I am so freaking weird

While surfing today I came across one of those sites where people post their secrets. A lot of it was the same stuff, I don’t really love my spouse, I drink so that I can deal with my home life, I don’t think that I will ever find true love, blah, blah, fucking blah.

But every now and then I came across some that were good. One girl wasn’t ready to have sex with her boyfriend because she didn’t know how to tell him she had a penis. Yeah, that would be a tough one. Oh and one girl (I guess) said that they loved to wear gold lame pumps while taking a dump, that was… odd. One guy said, “I was so hot for a certain girl in high school.(40 years ago) I masturbated over her for years..I met her recently..it killed my fantasy..my weiner is sad now.” which was pretty funny. Oh, and then there was the one where someone thought that at one time Washington D.C. had two mayors, Mary and Berry (Marion Berry), dumbass.

But it’s the comments to the secrets that are the funniest. Take this one for example. “I kicked a retarded kid in the nads for no reason as a kid. He didn't tell on me, even though he was smart enough to. He never told a soul and neither did I. I still admire him for it.” Ok, the secret is a little funny but only because it has the word “nads” in it. But check out these comments to it, “it takes a special type of person to commit acts such as kicking a retarded kid in the nuts. Really.”, “SOMEDAY HE MAY PUT A HATCHET IN YOUR FOREHEAD”, “You admire a retarded kid for not dropping dime on you for assaulting him? You are a pussy in it's truest form.” and “He is not all that stupid...he is smiling at you as he divises his plan to get you cornered, alone somewhere, and he charges at you wearing a hockey mask and weilding a chain saw. (all he has to do is figure out how to start the damn thing.) Biding his time...pay back is a bitch...he knows to keep his friends close, and his enemies even closer until the time comes for revenge...sleep well mr. nutkicker...sleep well...booo haa haaa haaaaaa!”

But that one that started me cracking up was this secret where someone said, “I love to sit on the toilet and hum the theme to “Bonanza”.” Now if that wasn’t bad enough someone added a comment to it which read, “I pretend to be James Woods in Scary Movie 2 and scream out “unleash the deamons from Hell””. That visual started me laughing out loud.

I swear my co-workers must think I am on drugs or something.

Don't get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/12/08

Would you rather

run across a large vacant field containing 1,000 angry rattlesnakes

-OR-

three land mines?



Easy one again, I will take the snakes please. The reason, once I get going all you are going to see is asshole and elbows. And I am not sure that snakes can hit a moving target. Plus you know how they say that when your adrenaline gets flowing that you can do superhuman things? Well I bet that I could get across that field in about three steps! Michael Johnson and Carl Lewis wouldn't stand a chance.

Don't get dead

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Veterans Day

Just a quick note to say thank you and god bless to each and every member of the armed forces, both active and inactive. I for one and very proud of you and support you 100%.

Thank you

Winter

Today I read a blog from Krissyface where she mentioned that Starbucks had put their holiday cups into rotation. And it got me kind of pumped up for the holiday season. I have and always will love the holiday season. I think it is because I value family so much. I love getting together with everyone, right up until the first argument breaks out. Oh and not to mention that there is football and hockey being played right now. Plus I love to sit outside and enjoy a nice toasty fire.

The funny thing about me loving the holiday season is that I hate the cold. Well, maybe hate is a bit strong of a word but I do strongly prefer the warm weather. And for a host of reasons, the beach is out when it’s cold, it’s dark all the damn time, I wont even get into the people here in the south freaking out with the mention of ice or snow and it is simply wrong for my nipples to get that hard and nothing happen. And people have always said to me that you could put on more clothes and stay warm but you can only take off so many clothes and you could still be hot. Well that is true, but the visual is a lot nicer in the warm weather and after a certain number of layers of clothing it’s a hell of a lot harder to move around.

But the worst thing about the cold is that it’s like a big joke from God. What do I mean by that? Well I am glad that you asked. Say that you wake up in the middle of the winter and you look out the window and you see a BEAUTIFUL day. The sun is shining, there is not a cloud in the sky and the wind is calm. Then you go outside and it’s so cold that your nuts draw up inside you and you start to shiver like a Chihuahua trying to shit out a peach seed. That sucks. What a screw job and a waste of a great day.

So to me, if it’s going to be cold, bring it! Bring the “damn, is this the end of the world” cold. Bring the ice and snow. Bring the you don’t give a shit what the forecast or temperature is because all that matters is that it’s fucking cold, cold. Bring the nobody is out of the streets cold, the weatherman is talking about the last time it was this cold/we had this much ice/snow cold. Bring the cabin fever cold. You know what I mean. Just don’t waste my nice days during the time of year that I can’t enjoy them.

Give me winter weather so nasty that I walk to my front door, look out the window at the mailbox and say “fuck that” and then turn around and go back to sports center. In short, if it is too cold to play golf give me ice and snow.

With all of that being said, I still love the holidays!

Don’t get dead

Zobmondo Question for 11/11/08

Would you rather

be kicked in the crotch first thing every morning

-OR-

drive a car where the horn blows randomly?


As much as I hate being in traffic, I think that I would have to go with the random blowing car horn. Actually, I know I would. And I would drive where everyone could see both of my hands and make them wonder what was blowing the horn. Hell yeah.

Sorry I haven't been as active as I would like lately, just been real busy. But I will see if I can make up for it. And if you like these questions, I have some pretty decent older ones. Just click on the Zobmodo label at the bottom of the post to bring them all up.

Don't get dead

Monday, November 10, 2008

Zobmondo Question for 11/10/08

Would you rather

receive a backhanded compliment from your boss every day for a year

-OR-

have at least one of your neighbors critique your clothing every time you left the house for a year?


For me, it would be the clothing. Because I need a job, haha. And who knows, I might slip up and wear something that looks halfway decent!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Zobmondo Question for 11/9/08

Would you rather

bite the curb and get kicked in the back of the head

-OR-

get a paper cut on your eyeball?



Sadly, I would pick biting the curb. With the advances in modern dentistry I could come out of that looking even more handsome than I already am. Plus, how in the hell would you explain a paper cut on your eyeball, ON YOUR FREAKING EYEBALL!

Don't get dead

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Zobmondo Question for 11/8/08

Would you rather

have an itch that you couldn’t reach to scratch for five days straight

-OR-

smell something foul everywhere you went for a week?




I think for me it would be the smell thing. I could get used to a smell, even a bad one, after a while but not being able to scratch an itch my really get to me.

Don't get dead

Friday, November 07, 2008

Zobmondo Question for 11/7/08

Since it is Friday, let’s step up the Zobmondo questions a bit.

Would you rather

have your lover head-butt you every time they reached orgasm

-OR-

have your lover break wind every time they reached orgasm?

And yes, they do call me Mr. Romance! :)

Don't get dead

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Zobmondo Question for 11/6/08

I know it has been gone for a while now, but it is back. At least for a little while.

In case you don’t know, Zobmondo is the “would you rather” game where you HAVE to pick one of the two choices. So here is the question for today. We will start off with a tame one.

Would you rather

wear the same pair of underwear every day for a year

-OR-

wear your shoes on the wrong feet for a year?

For me this is an easy one, but I would like to hear what some of you have to say first. So let me know.

Don’t get dead

Election observation

Like many of you, I was watching the election coverage on television. And we were switching channels every so often to get the different views/slants and to see who was reporting what when I began to feel sorry for some people. But not the ones you might think.

The people who I feel sorry for are the deaf, color blind people who really love politics. Those multi-color maps have got to be frustrating as hell for them.

Just a thought.

Don’t get dead

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Election

Just as an FYI, EVERY election is historic. I understand that regardless of which party wins it's a first but if it was all a bunch of white guys it would still be a historic election.

Don’t get dead

Who would play me?

I sometimes think up movie ideas that I would like to see and, no, they are not all porn movies. I said not ALL of them are porn, get off my back. Anyway, I won’t go into a lot of detail about all of them but I have been thinking about one, the movie of my life.

So I was thinking if I was the casting director for the movie of my life, who would I get (living or dead) to play the various cast members. Of course I would like to say that Brad Pitt or someone like that was going to play the part of me but I am trying to be realistic. You know, like how Tina Fey would play Sarah Palin. Willem Dafoe would have to play Josh Todd if they ever made a movie about the band Buckcherry and so on.

This part might be tough, the cast members who would play various people who have interaction in my life. My friend Kevin, he would probably be played by Sean William Scott. My buddy Jason, he would have to be maybe Nick Cage if he grew his hair out a bit. Who else, let’s see, one of my other friends named Jason (you know who you are Capt. Dirty Balls) has to be Donald Faison, not sure who is wife would be yet, possibly a young Grace Jones. Winters, oh god, he would have to be played by Johnny Knoxville. Jose would be played by Jorge Garcia. James would be a young George Carlin. One couple of our friends would have to be played by Ray Romano his wife would be played by Sandra Oh. Another couple that we know would have the husband played by Chris Farley and his wife would probably be played by Anna Nicole Smith. And I could go on and on, but I don’t think that I would cast every single person who I have interacted with in my life. The above are just some of the more important ones.

Then there are my in-laws, now this is going to be tricky. I think one of my sister-in-laws would have to be played by Jessica Simpson. And the other one would have to be played by Gwyneth Paltrow or Blake Lively. I think my brother-in-law would probably be played by Hugh Jackman and my future brother-in-law would be played by Jake Gyllenhaal? My father-in-law would have to be played by Robert De Niro and my mother-in-law would have to be Diane Keaton.

My dad would be played by John Goodman. Now my brother, that is going to be a tough one, maybe Brad Garret. I may have to re-think that one. My mom, oh man, who could play mom, maybe Paula Dean but not nearly as fat or as “Southern” and a little taller. I think one of my grandmothers (mom’s mom) would have to be Estelle Getty. My grandfather (mom’s dad) just might have to be Tommy Lee Jones. My dad’s dad would have to be played by Danny De Vito. I never knew my dad’s mother, she died when I was 3, but she looked a lot like Marilyn Monroe, but that could be because of the hairstyles of the time.

My wife would have to be Molly Ringwald. And as for me, I was thinking that the current me would be played by Kelsey Grammer, the “Cheers” years. Maybe the younger me would be played by Jack Black. Yeah, kind of an odd couple to play the same person.

What an F’ed up cast.

So to complicate things even more and because music has always been a very large part of my life, I would have to have a sound track. Each of these songs has some sort of meaning to a particular point in my life. Some good, some not so good but each of them reminds me of a time in my life so I thought that I would include them. So on my soundtrack would include the following:

Sweet Home Alabama – Lynyrd Skynyrd
Panama – Van Halen
Tiny Dancer – Tim McGraw
Home – Michael Buble
Summer Nights – Van Halen
Jolly Mon – Jimmy Buffet
Feeling Good – Michael Buble
What a Beautiful World – Louis Armstrong
Girls, Girls, Girls – Motley Crue
Mas Tequila – Sammy Hagar
Cats in the Cradle – Harry Chapin
How Do You Like Me Now – Toby Keith
Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks
Born To Raise Hell – Motorhead
God Bless the USA – Lee Greenwood
The Way You Look Tonight – Harry Connick Jr
Seven Bridges Road – The Eagles


Again a cluster F of a soundtrack.

And just for the heck of it, if there was a sequel, this might be on that soundtrack.

Mista Bone – Great White
Hold On Loosely - .38 Special
Already Gone – The Eagles
Rock-n-Roll All Night – KISS
Straight to Hell – Drivin N’ Cryin
Remedy – The Black Crows
Welcome To the Terrordome – Public Enemy
Take It Back – Pink Floyd
Pinball Wizard – The Who
More Human than Human – White Zombie
Another Brick in the Wall – Pink Floyd
Boogie Shoes – K.C. and the Sunshine Band
Sex Bomb – Tom Jones (haha!)
Calling All Angels – Train
Born To Boogie – Hank Williams Jr.
Wild Child – W.A.S.P.
Mental Health – Quiet Riot
We’re Not Gonna Take It – Twisted Sister
Rock You Like A Hurricane – The Scorpions
Whipeout – The Ventures

With all of this being said who would be in the cast of a movie about your life? And that movie had a soundtrack, what would be on it?

Don’t get dead

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Some people

I don’t know if it is that I attract some of the most “interesting” people in the world or if other people just brush of stuff that I fixate on, but I have heard people say things that astonish me. I am not talking anything that is stunning to hear, just pompous.

For example, while talking to this guy at a party once he tells me, “I am really funny”. Now this was during a conversation, he didn’t just walk up to me and proclaim his inherent hilarity. But I had to ask if people tell him that he was funny all of the time and that’s why he said it and he tells me, “No, I just know that I am funny”. A dumbass is what you are. If no one tells you that you are funny but you “know” that you are funny, you’re an idiot.

Don’t get me wrong, I think people should be proud of who they are but there comes a point where pride is taken over by ignorance.

Just like another time I was talking to a different guy and he was telling me how smart he was. Something like this:

Him – “Yeah, I know I am smarter than most people”

Me – “Really, how is that?”

Him – “Well I have a genius IQ”

Granted genius boy did go and graduate from college but it’s not like he went to MIT or any of the Ivy League schools. And matter of fact, I know that he spent several months in jail. Which is sad because it means that he isn’t smart enough to not get caught and I know dumbasses who have done illegal stuff and didn’t get caught.

What is it that causes some people to come out and blatantly brag on themselves like that? Is something missing from their life and the feel the need to compensate? Or is it that I give off the “enlighten me with your greatest skill” vibe or what? Typically if you watch award shows of interviews with some athletes the person receiving the praise is a bit humbled. I know not always but they are also either giving an acceptance speech or being interviewed. I doubt highly that Peyton Manning comes up to people at parties and says, “You know, I am a pretty damn spectacular football player”.

The thing that is funny about all of this is that, at least in my experiences, these people are dead wrong. Smart guy went to jail, funny dude is more like sad and every chick that I know who bragged on how well they gave head was wrong too. I just wish people would go in the other direction. Tell me what you do really shitty so I wont even consider asking you to do that.

If some guy came up to me and told me that he couldn’t cook to save his life, I would take his word for it and I wouldn’t come over for dinner. And if some dude told me that he was bad with money I wouldn’t take investment tips from him. If some guy where to tell me, “Man, I can’t fly for shit” I wouldn’t let him pilot a plane that I was going to travel in. But they don’t people only tell you self-inflating things.

Oh and something’s that aren’t said but more “presented” to the public are just as bad. Look, if you feel that you are the best looking thing to ever walk the earth and there isn’t a humble bone in your body, I got some bad news for you. Don’t get me wrong, confidence is sexy, very sexy. But overconfidence is comical, VERY comical. And while I am on the looks/sex appeal thing, I know that I am not the most studly man in the history of the world, but I don’t perceive myself like that either, so I got a little room to talk. Some of you people out there need mirrors, grooming tips and fashion advice.

Guys, trim your damn nose hair. Make it a habbit. And fellas if you ride with the windows down in your car, carry a brush. I doubt highly anyone goes into Toni & Guy asking for the Buckwheat hair style. And guys, since the weather is getting cooler, don’t wear your gold chains on the outside of your turtle neck shirts. This includes mock turtle neck shirts as well. What else, oh yeah, if you are going to wear sandals trim those damn Fritos scoops toenails.

Ladies, I got some advice for you too. First off, if your tits are touching your belt while you are standing straight up, you need a bra that fits right. Spend the couple of extra bucks and stop bra shopping at the dollar store. And if you do fit this mold, don’t you even think about wearing a low cut top, udder cleavage is nasty. You probably got some kind of tit-cheese growing in there and that is nasty. I love a good set of boobs (do I ever!), but if your girls look like a potato hanging in a pair of pantyhose no one wants to see that. Secondly, you know when your roots are showing just like the rest of us do, fix them. And just because something comes in your size don’t mean that it is appropriate for you to wear it. I could get my big ass in a thong Speedo bathing suit, but I don’t. Mainly because I don’t want to mentally scar anyone. And finally, work the features that you get compliments on. Not compliments from your mom or your boyfriend/husband but compliments from everyone. If you ask your husband if your ass looks big and he tells you no and that he loves your ass because you got a sexy ass, he is trying to avoid hurting your feelings. But if a casual co-worker tells you that your butt looks good while you are at lunch or in the ladies room or something like that, go with it. Promote your assets, so to speak. But just because your ass or chest is big by no circumstance means that it is attractive. Again, if you are the only one who thinks it, don’t accentuate or promote it.

I don’t know, I could be wrong.

Don’t get dead.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Looking back – Chapter 15

Every now and then I remember something from my life that I feel the need to write about, put on the web and embarrass myself about in front of the world. This would be one of those times.

With Halloween right around the corner and we are decorating the offices some co-workers and I were discussing what to dress up as that goes with our theme. I don’t know if I have ADD or something but I started to laugh a little bit to myself. And if you read here you will see that sometimes I get the giggles at the wrong time.

Of course people wanted to know what I was laughing about and I told them that it just reminded me of something and that it wasn’t really related. Well these people work with me so they know I got stories, so I had to tell this one. Although it doesn’t relate to Halloween, Christmas actually, it does relate to dressing up.

Several years ago I lived in Virginia and I met and ran with a pretty crazy bunch, read about it HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE. This time was no different.

Let me set the scene for you, four guys (myself, Drew, Winters and Phil) who can’t get home for Christmas who decided to meet at Winters house in VERY rural Virginia. The reason we were not able to get to our home towns was mostly money. Since we had saved money but didn’t save enough, you have four young adult guys with a decent load of cash and nothing to do, so yeah we got pretty drunk. Now we are drunk and bored, not good, not good at all.

We decided that we would go spread some Christmas cheer to the other townspeople. But not without the proper attire, so we raided Winters moms closet. (Side note, Winters family is all in California, which is where his mom was at this time) I don’t recall exactly who had what on but between the four of us there was a rain hat like the Morton salt guy, someone else had on the rain coat, a big cotton bath robe, some wild hats and various other items. I do remember that I had on some sort of silky robe and a beret or something like that. Oh and Phil had on some sort of house shoes shaped like ducks. Big ass yellow rubber ducks.

So we all loaded into my car, MY CAR, MY DAMN CAR, and head off to a neighboring town. As we are rolling down one street Drew yells out “STOP!” Now I have no idea what for so I stopped pretty quickly. Genius boy hops out of the car and runs into someone’s front yard toward a string of lights which were adorning the top of a fence. About half way through the sprint, Drew does an about face and DIVES back in the car yelling, “GO GO GO!!!” So I stood on the gas to get out of there. We all asked as the same time, “what happened?!” He tells us that he wanted to see if it was true that if you pulled one light out the whole string would go out, so that’s why he hoped out but he said he heard a man say “Oh no you don’t!” followed by the sound of a pump shotgun cock.

Once we are safely away we all got a chuckle out of it and we are still riding through town. It would be just about the time that our blood pressure had gotten back to normal levels that we pass THE ONLY FUCKING SHERRIF CAR ON DUTY that night when one of the guys says it looked like it was on the CB and pointing at our car. We joked that he was saying, “Hey, there goes a (my color and make of car) right there”. Well I will be dammed if that isn’t what he was saying because he bird-dogged our asses so quick we had no idea what was going on. It had to look like someone was getting it on as we are shedding our incognito attire and cramming beers any and everywhere we could find. Just about the time that we pull off our “costumes” we hear the sheriff over his PA system say, “You two in the front seats, get out of the car” so Drew and I get out and they separate us and ask us what was going on.

I am with the sheriff and he doesn’t look real happy while Drew is with a deputy. The only thing that kept going through my mind was “don’t get a DUI on Christmas in this godforsaken town out in the middle of nowhere”. I am sure that the dueling banjos scene from “Deliverance” was playing too. The sheriff asked me what we were up to and I told him everything, hell I would have given him a reach around if I thought it would keep me from going to jail that night. So I tell my story and then they open the back doors of their car and tell us to get in, OH FUCK ME! So there we are in the back seat when the sheriff asks Drew what we were up to and he starts to lay on some BS about one of the guys in the back seat farted and how it was making him sick, which is why he jumped out of the car. In about a half second I had to decide if I was going to choke this asshole in the back seat of a sheriff’s car or if I was going to have to set the story straight. Fortunately, I chose the second one. The whole time making promises to God if he would keep me out of jail. So Drew and I are exchanging dirty looks while the sheriff and the deputy are taking down our information.

Shortly there after, they get out of the car and opened the doors to the back seat and told us to step out. After we got out they told us to stay there and the sheriff gets on the PA again and tells the two in the back seat to get out.

Now you would have thought that in the SEVERAL minutes that had passed while Drew and I were being questioned that the two jackasses in the backseat would have gotten their collective shit together, WRONG!

I am standing next to the sheriff by the drives door and Drew is standing next to the deputy on the passenger door of their cruiser. Winters and Phil get out of the car and Phil is still wearing the duck slippers. I look over and the cops have saucer eyes and raised eyebrows. It was at this time that I had an involuntary reaction, I blurted out, “OH FUCK ME!” I thought that I was home free and then dildo Phil, Phildo, is wearing the damn duck slippers still.

The sheriff motions them over and the six of us have a little pow-wow, where at one point the sheriff says, “It appears to me that you boys might have been doing a little drinking tonight” which Phildo follows up with, “no shit”. Thanks jack ass, I hope Bubba picks you to be his Christmas bitch while we are in jail. After a lecture in the freezing we had a conversation that went like this.

Sheriff – “Why don’t you boys go ahead and follow the sun out of town.”

Phildo – “But it is night time”

Me – “Shut the fuck up Phil!”

Phildo – “Well it is!”

Me – “PHIL, SHUT UP!”

Phildo – “But dude, it is dark out, see (pointing to the sky)”

Me – “Get in the fucking car. I will explain it to you later”

Sherrif – “Good idea”

So we walk off towards my car when Phil says, “Hey, I think we just got kicked out of this town!” which was followed by a collective “SHUT UP PHIL!”

I will have to save what happened on Christmas day until a little closer to Christmas.

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Looking back – Chapter 14

Earlier at my office we were talking about the change of season and what we enjoy about it. Allergies for some, pretty leaf colors for others and so on. Then I got to thinking about it and for me, it is lower electric bills. So we were talking about how it is nice to have the windows open and so on, which of course sparked a memory from my childhood. For any of you who don’t know, I grew up in a very small town in the south and I feel that may be a contributing factor to my skewed views on things.

So for a little back ground on this memory, as a child/young adult (hell to this date if I am in my home town) I had a friend whose family insisted that I visited them (his parents and both sets of grandparents) during both Thanksgiving and Christmas. So to say we were close is a given. And since we lived in a small town we all saw each other a lot. Back in those days it wasn’t any big deal for people to watch the children of friends, and since my buddy’s grandmother was retired she did just that when we were over.

Also important in this memory is that it was a warm summer day and, as most people in my home town were/are, my buddy’s grandparents where a bit frugal. So when the weather permitted his grandmother would open the back door of her house which leads to a screened in patio with a humongous fan, like a huge warehouse fan. And she would use the fan to blow air through the house to cool it as opposed to using the window unit air conditioners. If you were to walk into her backdoor you would be in a small storage room where she kept dry goods and a deep freezer, from there you would walk into her kitchen, this comes into the story in just a bit.

Now my friend’s grandmother was in her late 60’s early 70’s at this time, her hearing was not the best and she moved a bit slower than she once did but she was a super great woman.

So there my friend and I are in his grandmother’s backyard playing. I am sure at some point we were playing war, I would guess that playing cars occurred at some point and many other things that boys do to entertain themselves. At some point we worked our way over to grandma’s vegetable garden. She had a lovely garden with a ton of tomato plants in her garden. My friend and I thought it would be funny to throw some tomatoes into the fan to watch it chop them up so we gathered as many tomatoes as we could in our shirts and made our way over to the fan, probably about 15 feet or so away. Now we were expecting to see this thing blow tomato chunks everywhere, but that’s not what happened. My buddy chucked the first one into the fan and it disappeared. We thought he had his timing just perfect and must have missed one of the blades so I heaved one into the fan and the same thing. So we devised a plan that we would BOTH throw tomatoes into the fan at the same time because there was no way that we could both time it just right. So tomato after tomato we launched them into this fan and … NOTHING.

About this time my buddy’s mom pulls up to the grandmother’s house and lets herself in. What she saw was her mother slumped over the sink with all of this red stuff all over her back and the back of her head and this red liquid dripping off of her. Thinking that her mother had been shot, his mom let out a blood curdling scream and we hauled ass inside to see what was going on.

What really happened was my buddy’s grandmother went into the storage room to get some stuff to make for lunch and apparently as she was walking out and doing stuff in the kitchen we where just covering her with tomato puree, which is why they tomatoes just disappeared into the fan. And the reason that she was slumped over the sink is because she was peeling potatoes.

I am not 100% sure, but I think that I am still on restriction and I know my ass was sore for a long time.

Don’t get dead

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

F YOU Weatherman!

It’s not that I am upset by the local weather forecast, I am pissed off by the vague speak that they use to cover their asses because they don’t know any more than I do on what the flipping weather is going to be like.

Like what is the difference between isolated showers and scattered showers? They both mean that some places will get rain and some won’t. But what is the difference? Are some places more likely to maybe get rain than others? What a crock of shit that is.

And you know you can take your wind chill and heat index and stick them where it may be partly cloudy. There are three temperatures, it’s fucking hot, damn what a nice day and holy shit is it cold. That’s it.

And speaking of partly cloudy, what is that shit? I hear some days it will be partly cloudy and some days will be partly sunny. What the fuck? So does partly cloudy mean that we are going to have more sun or more clouds? Is partly the most part or the least part?

And if one of you mother fuckers even mentions the word ice and we don’t get ice but I have to be in traffic hell for how ever many hours, I am going to kick you right in the junk during the 10 o’clock newscast. You better not say it even if you are talking about your tea. Comprendre asshole?

Oh and this last winter I heard this gem while getting ready for work one morning. There was going to be patches of freezing fog, freezing fucking fog. You got to be shitting me. Ok, fog is moisture in the air (i.e. water) so if it freezes then there is a block of ice floating in the air? I call BS on that.

I think that weathermen aspire to be politicians. They can both speak at length without saying anything specific.

In conclusion, I am jealous of weathermen. That has got to be the only job where you can rake in a healthy six figures, be a celebrity of sorts, be wrong every day and still keep your damn job.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – My Girlfriend

Dear Sweezey,

My girlfriend is perfect. She's sweet, intelligent, thoughtful and very attractive. I mean, she is so attractive it has gotten to the point of being absurd. I can't introduce her to anybody without the first comment being "wow, she is really pretty" (told to me only of course). Which is nice, but I know her in a much more intimate way and kind of resent that is what people see first.

Anyway, we have been dating for a while now. I'm in love with her and all but why the fuck can't I stop fantasizing about of other women?

I swear, it is getting ridiculous. I can't get on the blue line without eye fucking a woman. And the women I lust after aren't even half as attractive as my girl. I would never cheat but shit, this is getting really out of hand how often I think about nailing other girls.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Thanks,

Bad Boyfriend

Dear Bad Boyfriend,

You have simply out kicked your coverage so to speak. In other words she is too good for you and you should really dump her and seriously downgrade in the looks department. This way you might be happy. If you start dating an ugly girl and you are still eye fucking chicks on the train, maybe you should start to date guys. Plus you probably aren’t any good in bed so you might want to learn to take it in the butt anyway, jackass.

- Sweezey

Fell free to e-mail me for advice at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Settle this argument

Dear Sweezey,

My wife and I keep a very clean home. Inside and out. Our garage is in order and we're both good about immediately returning things back where they belong. She changes the sheets at least every 2-3 nights. Since the first day we moved in together, she's made sure I don't leave clothes on the floor. There's a hamper in our bathroom and one in our closet for dirty clothes. I've always done my part and helped out. Our problem is...she doesn't agree with my pissing in the shower or in the sink. We have a double (his/her) vanity and I piss in the sink we never use. I rinse it out very thoroughly and although I don't do it to keep our water bill down, it is cheaper than flushing an entire toilet bowl of water away. Am I the only one that does this? I know many peolple piss in the shower, but she doesn't like that either. And no, this is not bait. I told her last week I was going to ask others opinions on this here on your site.

Thanks,

Pisser

Dear Pisser,

You are nasty. You may say that you clean this or that but you are nasty. Damn man, have you no shame? What kind of twisted home life are you into? I know that you say that you never use it but man there have got to be germs in and near that sink. I mean it does splatter and where do you keep your toothbrush? I keep mine right by the sink. Do you think there is a chance that a droplet of your wee may have bounced over to and landed right on your toothbrush? Regardless of expense or whatever your reason is, how about just don’t do it because it’s gross you cromag. And it may not be cheaper depending on the type of toilet that you have and how much water you use to “thoroughly” rinse it out. But that is beside the point, how about you take a leak in the toilet because that is what it is made for. By your logic why don’t you just go pee in the washing machine? It has a rinse cycle. Yeah your backwards ass logic doesn’t work when it is used against you does it?

But yeah, the shower is fine, everyone does that. :)

Cormag

- Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice (or to settle where to pee) on anything. All names and e-mail address are kept private, I just address you how you sign your e-mail.

Don’t get dead

Monday, October 20, 2008

Dear Sweezey – Conflicted

Dear Sweezey,

I have a problem. I like to watch incest and alien Hentai porn while having intercourse with a microwaved cucumber that has a 5mm hole drilled in it. My problem is my microwave broke and I don't know if I should go with a cheap model or upgrade. Thanks for the advice.

- Conflicted in Circuit City

Dear Con,

To answer you question, I first have to ask you a question. What the fuck is alien Hentai porn?

And I got bad news for you bro, a five millimeter hole is a really little hole. Sorry to hear of your misfortune.

I personally think that you should go for the upgrade, hell get an industrial strength microwave. And be sure to nuke that cucumber for a really long time, at least 15 minutes, and then just stick your dork right in it as soon as the timer goes off.

Obviously I know that you are not really doing this but the mental image of some jackass scalding their pecker because they like to get off with vegetation humors me.

- Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice on ANYTHING. I won’t use your name or e-mail, only how you sign the e-mail.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – First Date

Dear Sweezey,

Has it become appropriate all of a sudden to talk about sex and/or past sexual experiences on a first date? The last couple of dates I've been on have for some reason or other turned in this direction. I was always taught that this kind of talk is highly inappropriate and find it disturbing to hear someones sexual history the first time we really talk over dinner or whatever. Am I wrong or just old-fashioned?

- First Dater

Dear First Dater,

Let me guess, you are doing a bit of cyber dating are ya? Maybe if you weren’t surfing in a sea of horndogs and had a personality, looks and a brain, you wouldn’t have to seek out the pervs of the world. You really can’t complain about the HNGs (Horny Net Geeks) wanting to get into your tuffskins if you are going to invade their world. You went into the lion’s den with a big steak so to speak.

And when they were giving you their history, I am assuming that they are trying to impress you with their mack daddy skils. You know, you should be mesmerized by how the women in their past where at their mercy. I mean who isn’t impressed by their dinner date reaching level 110 of World of Warcraft or being an admin of not only their own but three other chat rooms?

You’re not wrong or old-fashioned, you are just oblivious to the world around you. Think about it, what is the #1 thing that the internet is used for? That’s right, porn. So what makes you think that the legions of wackoff warriors are going to take it slow? Hell, they think that every girl on the net is just like the ones in the pics/movies that they download. You know, the milf hunter, bangbus and so on.

All you really have to do is to think. If you wanted to meet a guy who liked books, wouldn’t you hang out in bookstores or libraries? If you wanted to meet a guy who was into health and fitness, wouldn’t you hang out in health clubs and health food stores? So wouldn’t you think that hanging out on dating websites you would attract HNGs?

Maybe you should read some of my other Dear Sweezey postings. It’s not rocket science.

- Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice on ANYTHING. I won’t use your name or e-mail, only how you sign the e-mail.

Don’t get dead

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Finnish the sentence

If you can’t tell I like reader participation blogs. Again, bored and just wondering how the rest of the world thinks. So I am going to post the beginning of a sentence and I want everyone to finish the sentence with your own answer.

So the sentence for today is.

“I know I am drunk when…”

So let’s hear it.

Don’t get dead

Sometimes I get bored …

… and that is dangerous. Because when I get bored I start to think and that’s when the little devil guy on my shoulder takes the business end of a claw hammer to the little angel guy on the other shoulder.

It’s not that I think up mean (well sometimes) or harmful (oh shut-up) things. I just think up things to do for my own entertainment. Fortunately for me, most of my friends and co-workers know that I am an idiot so they accept my “bored” behavior.

So I think starting today I am going to try to get into every conversation that I can, just to say my “phrase of the day”. Every day I am going to pick up a new phrase and just throw it into a conversation, regardless if it applies to what the conversation is about or not.

I may start slowly with something generic like “I heard that”. Just that and then leave. Then I think I will work my way up to something a bit more a-holeish like, “That’s what she said” and later on work my way into something like, “Well yeah, if you want the terrorist to win” or “Yeah, well COMMUNISM works in theory too!” and then just walk away.

I will probably be locked up in the looney bin this time next year but it will be fun, and really isn’t that all that matters? That I am entertained. I thought so as well.

Don’t get dead

New record

This morning Nik Wallenda set a world record for the longest and highest bike ride on a wire. The 250 foot long and 135 foot high balancing act was shown nationally on NBC’s “TODAY” show live from Newark, NJ.

While being interviewed by NBC’s Kerry Sanders right after the record setting display this morning, Nik told a nationwide audience that he is planning on walking across the Grand Canyon next spring.

That is after his next and most amazing stunt, telling his wife that he quit his job to do high wire acts.

Don’t get dead

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Tip for you morons out there

If you are going to get into an exit lane and then without warning to anyone around decide that you are NOT going to exit and change lanes back onto the road, that’s fine. And if you are going to ride someone’s ass simply because they won’t get out of your way even when there is a lane right next to you on the left with no one in it, that’s fine. And if you are going to cut someone off and drive in rush hour traffic like you are in some kind of goddamn NASCAR race, that is fine as well.

Just don’t be surprised when your cell phone blows up with call after call because you drive like this with a big ass for sale sign on your car with your cell phone number boldly printed on it, you dumbass. Nice penmanship idiot.

I know it may be a shock for you to find out that, believe it or not, other people have cell phones too.

And for you mister work truck driver who feels like the road belongs to them with a “How’s my driving?” bumber sticker on your work truck, do you really think it’s your best career move to cut off people, road rage and give them the finger in said company vehicle? Hey Elmer, do you wonder why you can’t move up the company ladder? Maybe it is because you are a complete moron. Yeah, I am putting my money on that.

I think the next time I see some of these idiotic acts that I will post their number on here, with all of their details, you know so that anyone who might be interested in buying the car or bragging to the company how they are driving. Not anything like calling them over and over again telling them what a douche bag they are or reporting their irresponsible behavior to their company, no no no, nothing like that :)

Don’t get dead

A new poll on my page

I have put up a new poll on my page. And I am going to try to put up a new one every week. It may be a question that I am curious as to how everyone feels or it may be some sort of Zobmondo question. But be sure to take my poll and let me know how you feel.

Don’t get dead

Monday, October 13, 2008

Dear Sweezey – Carpooling

Dear Sweezey,

I have a co-worker who lives near me and due to the current economic situation we decided to carpool. Well I hate this guy. He is a nerd and other than work we have nothing in common. But I am in an odd place because we work together. So he knows if I really do need to work late or go in early. How do I get out of this mess that I am in?

Please help,

Traffic Jam


Dear TJ,

I don’t even have to think about this one. All you have to do is to make this guy completely uncomfortable while he is on the road with you. Maybe even look at it as a phased approach.

Phase one – run errands on the way home from work. The holiday season is right around the corner, do a little holiday shopping on the way home. Just add a nice little twist to it, do some “personal” shopping for the wife/girlfriend/boyfriend. Hell yeah, tell him that you got to make a stop at your local sex shop because you are going to pick the wife up some nipple clamps for her stocking stuffer. Nothing says Christmas like a 12 inch dildo. And what would the holiday season be without a fetish DVD? If that doesn’t put an end to carpooling, well what the hell are you complaining about? This dude sounds pretty cool to me if he is down with all that, so it might be you that is the problem. But if that doesn’t do it, move to phase two.

Phase two – Ungodly stereo volume. Not just loud music, but loud bad music. Go get a satanic heavy metal CD or maybe some euro house CD and just crank it. Just pick out what ever is the opposite of what he likes. He likes Country, you blast gangster rap. He likes rock, you rock out to some gospel. Get the picture?

Phase three – Road rage. When it is your turn to drive, you got to get into mad man mode. Erratic lane changes, floor it as soon as the light turns green and complain about every other driver on the road. Maybe even huff and throw up your hands every now and then. Ride the bumper of the car in front of you and continuously mutter, “come on you son of a bitch, speed up”. If you make this guy fear for his life, the price of gas is not going to be a concern at all.

Phase four – If the guy is married and/or has a girlfriend and the other three steps have not worked, you may have to go for broke. Tell him that you two should go in halves on a hooker after work. Pretty sure that would do it.

Hope this helps,

Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail me for advice at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

Don’t get dead

Thursday, October 09, 2008

My 200th post

Woohoo!! I really got nothing special for this post but I did want to call out that it is my 200th. I don’t know why but I am impressed with myself.

Don’t get dead

Question for readers

When you go to a blog that has been around for a while, do you take the time to read the older post? Or do you just read the current ones?

It doesn’t really mater, I was just wondering.

Don’t get dead

Pay back, part 2

Everyone probably heard my rap about don’t digging liars from my previous post. So I won’t go back over that.

But I had another situation a few years ago where someone was stealing my lunch if I brought a frozen dinner for lunch. I typically eat lunch late in the day.

The first time it happened I thought that maybe I forgot to bring it with me but when I got home and the dinner was not in my freezer I knew something was up.

This happened several times until I had decided that it was enough and that I was going to do something about it.

What did I do? I am glad that you asked. I took a frozen dinner, one of the cheap Mexican food ones, and let it thaw out. Then I took and beat up a few eggs in a bowl and set that bowl on the rail of my apartment balcony for several hours in direct sunlight.

Then came the tricky part, I went to a drug store to by a syringe, you can’t just go buy one. So I had to stretch the truth a bit to get one, but I got one and that’s all I needed. So me and my needle go back to my apartment and I take a syringe full of egg and injected it into the thawed dinner. Then I re-froze it and carried it to work the next day, placed it in the freezer and left it there. Around 2:30 I went to check on it and it was gone. I couldn’t believe it!

So the next day I brought another frozen dinner and put it in the freezer. When I left work that day the frozen dinner was still in there. I couldn’t believe it, it worked!

The next day I found out that someone had gotten really sick, possibly from food poisoning, and that we should be careful and check our lunches to see if anyone had been tampering with them. Yeah, that’s what it was someone tampered with someone else’s lunch, yeah that’s it.

Don’t get dead

Pay back, part 1

I have told this story a couple of times lately and I guess I will tell it here too. I can’t stand liars. I always try to bust them and hang them out to dry. Now if you are telling a tale with the fellas, that’s fine. But if you are either making up shit or outright telling a lie, I got no sympathy for you.

So years ago right after I got out of high school I worked in a peanut mill. While in the mill you could not wear jewelry and pretty much couldn’t have stuff in your pockets. In the break room we didn’t have lockers, we had shelves with lines to denote a persons “space”. The rule of thumb was that you just didn’t mess with anyone else’s stuff, which never should have to be called out. So at the time I smoked, not that I am proud of it but it is the truth. After some period of time I would notice that if my pack of smokes was anywhere between damn near full or damn near empty, it would seem like some where missing every now and then.

While working at this place we had one of the biggest ass-kisses that the world has ever seen. This guy named David. David was a professional fuck-off. He would always go to the bath room a few minutes before break time and someone would always catch him shooting the shit or something, pretty much would do anything to take an extended break. Not a huge deal, but sometimes the crew was small and we needed everyone to contribute. Well when David wasn’t fucking off he would come back from the bathroom and would do his hands in a motion as if he was breaking a stick, the international break gesture, from down the hall. Now typically since David was already so much closer to the break room and smoking area than the rest of us he was usually already smoking when the rest of us got there. But David never had cigarettes of his own.

So one day I asked him if he was taking mine. I told him that if he was I just wanted to know. He swore up and down that he wasn’t and acted offended.

So I let time go by and I switched brands to a brand that a brownish wrapper around the filter. The reason I did this is part of my plan to catch who was taking them. I had a plan that I was about to put into effect. After several days, a week or so, I took a brand new pack of the brown filter cigarettes and removed all of them from the box. I then laid them out and misted all of the filters with Doe in Heat. If you don’t know what that is, it is deer urine extracted from a female deer during mating season. And it stinks like hell. So I took the smokes and put most of them back in the pack and took my happy ass to work.

I set this partial pack of smokes up on the shelf and went about my day like normal. Since this was a peanut mill that is all you could smell. Even my car smelled like peanuts, so you could not smell the urine.

A few minutes before break time David took his daily trip to the bathroom, shortly thereafter David came out of the break room and gave us the break hand gesture. I nudged one of my co-worker buddies and said, “show time”. He asked what I meant and I told him to just come with me outside. When we got there, there is a crowd of people around David and he was on his hands and knees coughing, spitting and his sinuses were draining. Without getting overly excited I asked David if he was ok. To which he replied with, “Damn dude, what is wrong with your cigarettes!?” To which I replied “Oh, my cigarettes, the ones that I asked you about and you swore that you weren’t taking? They are coated with deer piss. Not only did you just put animal piss in your mouth but you likely in jested piss vapors. Why don’t you keep stealing shit homeboy!” Well I could have left bricks of gold sitting in my space and no one would have touched it.

And David quit a couple of weeks later.

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Re-writing history

We had a function at work today. Now the company that I work for is so badass that our work function included a reggae band, catered food (including a whole pig like at a luau), open bar and prizes.

The more we celebrated (drank) the more me and some of the fellas got to shooting the shit. One of the subjects that we got to talking about was how people decided what things were foods. We came to the decision that most of them where probably dares.

Oysters are the obvious first choice that had to be a dare. I just don’t see early man seeing this shell on the ocean floor and thinking, “I am going to crack that open and shove what ever is in it in my mouth”. One of my co-workers brought up cows milk. And when you think about it, it sort of makes sense that a human wouldn’t just walk up to an animal and suck on an utter. Had to be a dare right? I think Okra had to be a dare too because when it is uncooked it seems like it has needles sticking out of it. We came up with a whole list of things, artichoke hearts, pistachios, potatoes, honey (come on, out of a bee hive, had to be a dare), coconuts and so on.

So we have decided that we are going to re-write history to suit our wants and desires. Our own bastardized Wikipedia if you will. Our first article is how most foods where first consumed on dares. Next I think we are going to cover either the first time man used animals as transportation or the first person to figure out masturbation.

Don’t get dead
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