Friday, January 30, 2009

You got to be kidding me

So I was checking out some news today when I came across this article.

And we all know about the Dugger’s with 75 children or what ever and then there is that damn Jon and Kate plus 8 and gobs of hillbillies with their own softball teams too. So this begs the question of ladies, what in the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, you need keep shitting out kids like some kind of goddamn magic trick?

I understand that for some it’s a religious thing, but seriously if you got six kids, pack it in. God said it’s ok. And for the love of everything holy, stop fucking. While you might think it’s great, the rest of the country hates you. And no we aren’t jealous, you are a goddamn drain on society. And even if your not, you are annoying as fuck. Because we all know you are going to take your entire gaggle of weirdo kids to the store with you while you are shopping and I know it will be while I am at the damn store too.

If you have four or more children, go get a library card or the internet or cable tv or something. Ladies, your vagina is not a clown car.

Plus, come on how good can the sex be if your crotch looks like the tunnels used by the Viet Kong? Who wants to screw a coffee can? Your birth canal must be like a damn slip and slide. I bet you don’t even have to push while in labor, they just slide out like a water slide. Are you going for distance during the delivery by the time you have kid #7?

That’s got to be a shit load of snotty noses and dirty diapers. I am going to go check on getting a vasectomy now.

Don’t get dead

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Elementary My Dear Watson

Believe it or not but Sherlock Holmes is a real person and until this morning was alive and kicking. Ok, seriously there was a gentleman who was honestly named Sherlock Holmes and sadly he was found murdered in his home this morning, and he was only 68.

Now this sucks because apparently this man was very nice and caring. But the name, what where his parents thinking? Did they just want the man to be picked on his entire life? I bet you ole Sherlock could rough it up with the best of them, he would have to. Or be able to tote an ass-whopping with the best of them.

The ironic part of this is that just earlier tonight I was watching the movie “Office Space”, you know the movie that had the ass clown Michael Bolton.

I almost wonder if it is an epidemic. I went to school with a guy named Richard Head, just think of the nick name, and yeah it used to echo the halls of my high school. I also know cousins named Spring and Summer. Sisters named April, May and June and their cousin August. Oh and I know a William Williams Jr, yeah, WWII.

And I have been told that there was a former Texas Governor Jim Hogg who had daughters named Ima and Ura. I swear, Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg. Their social life must have been hell.

So what is it that goes through peoples mind when naming their children? Do they really think these are good names? My last name starts with an S so I have been very cautious of what any of my children’s initials are, so there is no way that I am going to give them some goofy name. I mean come on, could I really have a child named Alex Shawn S (ASS) or Gary Alan S (GAS)? No, the answer is that I could not.

So what is it that makes people give their children these names? Is it that they want people to remember them but don’t think that they will any talent or personality?

But back to Sherlock, his family and friends are in my thoughts and prayers. I am honestly sorry that this man, who seems like a nice guy, was murdered.

Don’t get dead (not what it sounds like, click the link)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


This may be one of the greatest things that I have ever seen.

I think that I got bingo in the parking lot!

Now I don’t hate Wal-Mart, just the people who shop there on a regular basis. What a collection of creatures this is. So to keep the game fair to everyone, I put together a list of other things that could be on the Wal-Mart Bingo cards.

Such as…

- Someone wearing jeans with the Skoal circle in the back poket

- Someone with a cigarette behind their ear

- A woman with a black eye

- 6 inch dark roots on a “blond” woman

- A man wearing flip-flops with frito scoops toe nails

- Diapers, condoms and anti-itch cream all in the same basket

- Radios in automotive section cracked up to some god-awful hip hop station

- Woman wearing a strapless shirt and a bra that’s not

- Dog tied to the concrete poles out front

- Kid lying on the floor in the toy department playing with an opened toy

- A wallet on a chain

- Kid bouncing a ball and shooting it back into the rubber ball cage

- More toys on the floor than on the shelf

- Woman missing teeth wearing a “Taz” or “Tweety Bird” t-shirt

- Guy carrying a car battery back to the automotive section

- Guys playing video games for hours that they have no intention of buying

- A Mullet

- Toddler drinking 44 oz Dr. Pepper

- Plumbers crack with holes around the briefs underwear waistband

- Tube tops

- Guy wearing a bandana on his head

- Someone arguing with Customer Service

- Kids playing on riding lawnmowers

- Someone throwing a nerf football

- A wet floor sign on carpet

- Fat kids with kool-aid stains on their shirts

- $8000 worth of rims on a $500 car

Don’t get dead

Monday, January 26, 2009

This man is a whore

His name is Billy Mays and he is a serious man-ho. He will sell anything. And now he has reached a new low, discount medical insurance. As if the crap that he peddles on his infomercials wasn’t bad enough he is now slutting out the insurance industry.

Yep, watching the news tonight and I see this

And if you call in the next 20 minutes they will double your policy for free! With a 60 day money back guarantee. All you do is pay the shipping!

So if you got some crappy product and will sling some cash Billy’s way, he will market it for you. I just wonder how long it will be until he is selling “marital aids”, timeshares or miracle weight loss drug? I mean hell, he has his name attached to almost 60 products as it is now ranging from the Zoreez, a shamwow knock off, to Aquapel, the bastard cousin of Rain-X. I am sure there is a saladshooter in there somewhere too. Have you no shame Billy?!

Don’t get dead

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Glove

This is one of the reasons that I am leery of the drive-thru. A while back I went to grab a quick bite to eat at a Burger King and we decided to go in and eat in the restaurant. You know the typical routine, wait in line, order your food, wait for your number to be called, come pick up your tray and go to your seat. So I made my way through the line and am waiting off to the side for my number to be called. As I am waiting I notice that the guy working the register is the one who is getting the orders together and he is kind of, well a dipshit.

I just had this feeling that my order was going to be wrong or something so I was watching him as he was ringing up orders and filling them. So as I am watching I see him get a tray ready, open a bag, scratch his nuts, put a burger into the bag and call my number. OH HELL NO. So I tell him that I got to speak to his manager. After a dirty look he calls the manager over and mumbles some crap.

So the manager comes over and ask me what he could do for me and I told him that I was going to need a new burger. Of course he ask why and I tell him that his employee just scratched his balls then put my burger in the bag.

The manager actually had the audacity to tell me, “Sir, he is wearing a plastic glove”. Dude, I see the glove, the glove is what touched his boys just before he put the burger into the bag. Hell, I would almost rather that he took the glove off to pick up my burger at that point. Just because he is reusing the same plastic glove that is probably the only one he has ever worn doesn’t mean that it is some kind of magic sterile glove that can never get contaminated. Damn dude, you eat the burger then.

So there is no telling what happens that we never see while waiting in the drive-thru.

Enjoy your lunch!

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New Evidence- Hudson Crash

Remember you saw it here first!

Don't get dead

Random Things

• You think that Lou Gehrig’s parents would have seen that one coming.

• I saw “just heat and serve” on a frozen dinner the other day. Do you really have to tell someone to heat it up or are Salisbury steak popsicles that popular. What else would you do with it?

• Are paraplegic comedians sit-down comics?

• If someone comes up and ask you if they can ask you a question, didn’t they just ask it?

• There are microwave directions for pop-tarts, I shit you not.

• You would think that phonics would be spelled differently.

• Is Ft. Dix NJ anywhere near Ft. Nuts?

Don’t get dead

I won the lottery!

Psych! Remember psych back when we were in school? It was the greatest. It was being able to call someone a dumbass with no repercussions. You could be talking with one of your friends and say something like, “Hey, did you hear that the principle got caught molesting a chicken in his office?”, “Really?!”, “Psych!” It really is the equitant of telling someone that they are a complete tool to their face.

And everyone thought it was funny.

“Hey, you’re a dipshit” “Oh man you got me, good one, haha.”

Yep, psych was the greatest. Nothing like directly insulting someone to their face and having them think it is funny. “Hey, you’re an idiot!” “Yeah, I know right, hahaha”.

So if you give an insult a code word that makes it socially acceptable, cool! What should we commonly use to call someone fat? Should we say something like “Hey that dress looks good on you, KRANG!” Or we could use “Loof” to call someone ugly or something.

Ehh *shrug*

Don’t get dead

Monday, January 19, 2009

Oh no

I can't believe that it is this time of year again already.

Don't get dead

Friday, January 16, 2009

Strip Clubs

As a connoisseur of “Gentlemens Establishments”, I thought I would pass along some tips to help you determine if you are in a nice club or not. And trust me, I have been to some really nice ones and some… not so nice ones. As always there are exceptions to these rules but play the odds and use this list as a guide. Think of it as a titty-bar check list!

If you see any of these things in the establishment you happen to be patronizing, you are probably not in a nice club.

First and for most

• Mullets – if there is a mullet within 100 yards of the front door, get the hell out of there.

Then there are other things such as
• Carpet – if it is sticky or has duct tape on it to stop it from unraveling you have entered a less than stellar club.
• Bullet wounds – if a “dancer” has a wound scar of any type, regardless of the age of the wound, it really speaks to the quality of the “entertainment”. Even the day dancers.
• Bumps/Rashes – of any kind is a huge red flag that you are not in the upper echelon of men’s club. If an “entertainer” is scratching anything, arm pit, crotch, head, butt crack, do you really want her to rub her money maker on your boys?
• Bottles & Glasses vs. Cans & Plastic – If the club you are in isn’t allowed to have glass inside of the building because of “insurance reasons” don’t you really think this is a place you don’t want to hang out with massive amounts of cash? Grated you’re all bad-asses and can beat the hell out of everyone else but if enough everyone eleses get together to dance on your face I don’t think even Chuck Norris is going to be able to help you.
• Teeth – both too many and not enough are bad signs. If her smile looks like her teeth are fighting for room or if she looks like she could smoke a cigarette without opening her mouth do I really have to tell you to run? Oh and while we are on teeth, if she smiles and it looks like she has a mouth full of burnt stumps get the hell out.
• Singing – if the D.J. lets the dancers sing over a song (yes, I have seen that happen), even on a slow night you are in a bad strip bar.
• BJs – if any of the “entertainers” will go to your car with you, at the end of their shift or not, one might venture that you are not in the best of clubs. I know that these are hard economic times, but if she will blow or screw you in the parking lot and then go back and give table dances to any guy with 20 bucks don’t you think she will do that for anybody?
• T-Shirts – yes, t-shirts. If the staff is wearing t-shirts regardless of the fact that they might be t-shirts from that club, you are not in what one might call a high class joint. At the very minimum they should have on collared pull-overs or polo shits. Usually a clean button down is the standard.
• Bar Stools w/Duct Tape – you might be thinking WTF, what is the big deal about this? Well bar stools are relatively cheap so if one got a tear in it the bartender should put it in the back and end up throwing it away and ordering more. You can get barstools just about any where and if you do have a problem with people cutting them up, well there ya go.
• The “Trough” – yeah, any mens room with a trough urinal is a very bad sign. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to be around a bunch of drunk horned up guys with my junk out on display. Remember the line from “Ghostbuster”? Don’t cross the streams!!
• Rubbers – while we are on the subject of the mens room, any strip bar that has a rubber machine in its mens room might not be the best selection, even if they are Trojans.
• Accents – oh, a bit racial you might say but go with me on this one. If the DJ has an accent of any kind you are not at a place where big business deals are being made, drug deals maybe. If the DJ cracks the mic and bust off with “Hey ese” or “Viva” anything, don’t walk, run to the door.
• Dancer/Server – if the same person who brings you a beer will also give you a table dance, I got a feeling you made a poor choice in locations for entertainment for the night.
• Memberships – a scam pure and simple. Any titty bar that wants you to buy a membership is just looking for more ways to bring in cash. You would think the meth sells would be enough.
• Country/Metal – what do you know “Sindee” likes to dance to Garth Brooks and “Jade” loves her some Metal Church. Well guess what, that means you are in a hell hole of a mens club. The majority of the fat cats with a big bank roll don’t want to hear that stuff while they watch silicone bounce around.
• Folding chairs – oh hell yeah, if the chairs around the wobbly tables in the club fold up there is a slightly massive chance that you are in the armpit of strip bars.
• Cute sayings – you know how people who are really well off don’t have to tell people that they are really well off? And how people who are really smart don’t have to tell people that they are really smart? Well when a DJ in a strip club has to announce that you need to tip the girls, the audience probably isn’t either of the previously mentioned things. So if you hear cute sayings like “Come on fellas, put some greenery on her scenery” or “put a tip on her hip” the bar that you are at is probably less than fantastic.
• Privacy fences around the parking lot – come on, do I even have to tell you?
• Walk-thru Metal Detector – are you going to look at boobs in the hood come on now.
• DJ/Janitor – if the DJ has to play the album version of “Inna Godda Davita” so that he can go mop up a drink that spilled, I would venture to believe that you are not surrounded by Mensa members.

It’s your money and life, I am just trying to help you enjoy it more.

Don’t get dead

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I wasn’t quite to the 7th layer of hell, but really deep in the 6th last night.

Oh damn I have been sick for weeks now. And it sucks, royally. I hate being sick. I have a serious case of “jello brain” where my head feels like my brain is made of jello and someone just shoot the shit out of me. On top of that, I CAN’T FUCKING BREATH. My snot locker is packed full and it’s not going anywhere. And I got some serious pressure in my head going on. Oh, and it’s about 2 fucking degrees out side. And that’s how I feel today, last night was worse!

So when I got home last night I had two things that I wanted to do, get warm and sleep and that’s it. My wife took the kids to the mall so that I could get a head start on my plans for the evening. And as much of a chick thing as it is to do, I had to soak in a tub full of hot water (sorry Kimber). While in said tub o’ scalding H2O I noticed that my wife left the TV on. That’s cool I got something to listen to while I am in here. Then it happened, American Idol came on.

Now this wasn’t deep into the 6th layer for the reason you think. I was actually enjoying the people who could sing. But they only let them sing for maybe 30 seconds. But the clones of Helen Keller that they had on the show got to sing for fucking hours it seemed like. And not just one song. Every damn one of them sang “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” at least a half dozen times. I was actually willing those people to die, I know the show was pre-recorded but they should take my feelings into account regardless of when the show airs.

It wouldn’t have been a big deal if I felt good because I could have just gotten my happy ass up, went into the bedroom and turned the TV off and then got back into the tub. But that’s just it, I didn’t quite fell like I was on Death’s doorstep but I was damn sure in his front yard.

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dear Sweezey - Need a room for a night

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know of a place in the DFW area where one can rent a room for a tryst?

- Secret Lover

Dear Secret,

You are an idiot aren’t you? You want to know if I know of a place that you can rent a room to go bang some skank? Try a hotel moron. There are only about 10 thousand of them in the area. I hear there is a really nice one down off of I-35, it is called the Lou Sterrett Justice Center. When you check in you get these really cool orange coveralls and every guest gets a portrait taken!

- Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail for advice on ANYTHING at

Don’t get dead

Monday, January 12, 2009

Batman, the Dark Knight

We just watched “The Dark Knight” the other night, I know we are behind the times, eat me. And I have just a couple of observations on the movie.

Out of all of the gadgets that he has, none of them are a fucking gun?! Come on freaky latex boy, start carrying a hogleg and some of those jerkoffs will think twice before they decide to hang around and duke it out with you.

And secondly, fuck your morals and kill some people will ya!? How many damn times where you face to face with the Joker and you were trying to arrest his ass? Shoot him in is fucking clown face. Terminate his ass with extreme prejudice! Do you know why our military have guns and kill people? Because just arresting those cock suckers don’t get the point across. When word gets out that you made some fucktard look like Swiss cheese people will reconsider fucking with you. All of those people of Gotham are big fans of you and if you start to eliminate some of the “bad guys” I got a feeling that your job will make itself a lot easier.

Don’t get dead

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Tim and the cat

Maybe it’s the meds or maybe it’s stress but either way something reminded me of something that happened when I lived in Virginia that I thought I would share.

At one point I had a roommate named Tim who was pretty cool. Tim owned this condo and I rented a room from him and we got to be pretty good friends. At some point during the time that I lived with him he was asked to cat-sit for about a week or so for a co-worker. Since it was Tim’s place the liter box was in the guest bathroom, the one that I used. And since we all know that cat shit smells oh so good, I really tried to keep the liter box clean.

Now another part of this story that comes into play is that I worked a lot closer to the condo than Tim did. During the first couple of days while we were cat-sitting I happened to beat Tim home and if there were turds in the litter box, I would flush them. So one day I am watching TV in the living room and Tim goes into the guest bathroom and comes right back out and says, “Man, this cat hasn’t taken a crap since it has been here”. So yeah, I had to screw with him.

I made sure that I beat him home the rest of the time that we were cat-sitting and I would clean out the litter box if there was anything in it. I didn’t know it but the next day Tim had taken the cat to the vet and the vet had prescribed some cat laxatives for the cat. And they were … effective! This cat was crapping its brains out. So for the next couple of days I am scooping up after this cat and secretly replacing the cat litter and Tim never notices.

The day before the cat is supposed to go back to its owner I made sure to beat Tim home and clean up all of the crap out of the litter box and then I decided to really screw with Tim. I had a really big lunch and was holding everything in until I got home. So now I have a nice freshly cleaned litter box and a full colon. This is when I decided to put my own little gift in the litter box. So I do my business in the litter box, scatter some litter on it and run back to my car in the parking lot and wait for Tim to pull in.

When I see Tim pull into the parking lot I get out of my car like I had just gotten home. Then I walk over and shoot the breeze with him and we walk into the condo together. We set out stuff down and I was just waiting for Tim to go check the litter box. Within a few minutes Tim goes into the guest bathroom and I hear, “HOLY SHIT! KITTY!” and he comes running out of the bathroom and into the living room where the cat was. Scoops up the cat, lifts its tail and begins to examine the cat’s ass.

I couldn’t hold in my laughter but Tim had this totally confused look on his face. I had to tell him what had happened because he didn’t get it at first. But damn it was funny seeing the look on his face thinking that this little cat had shit out this big man turd

Oh and there was no harm done to the cat.

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

New Years Resolutions

I know that I am late with my resolutions and I really don’t know why we make resolutions. Nor do I care. I heard on the radio how most people don’t keep their resolutions past the first month. So I thought that I would make some realistic resolutions that I can keep.

1. Work out less - You heard me correctly, work out less. If even at all! Yeah, I doubt highly that I break this one. I would love to say that I am going get back into the gym and work out at least 4 times a week but come on we all know that’s a lie.

2. Eat junkier foods – Yup, fuck tofu. I am going to eat what I want and not even feel bad about it. I believe that double cheeseburgers are in order as a celebratory kick off meal. Oh and fries with ranch. Anyone’s heart can beat with no resistance, my heart likes a challenge!

3. Read less/watch more TV – This one I may have to really work at. And not only watch more TV but watch more crappy TV. I am thinking cartoons and porn, and that’s it. Nothing like starting off your Sunday morning with the South Park & Debbie Does Dallas double header.

4. Be lazier – Whew, man I am not quite sure that this is even possible, I guess I could cut out showers.

5. Become more of a prick – Ok, these are supposed to be a challenge right? I guess I could great everyone with a rousing “F YOU!”

So these are my resolutions for 2009. I should be able to keep them. And if I do, do I get some sort of award or something? I guess on New Years Eve 2009 I will start lying to myself again and make all of these bullshit promises that I know that I am not going to keep, but this year I am going to make all of my resolutions!

Don’t get dead

Monday, January 05, 2009

Snuggie and other stupid crap

We have all seen the commercial for the “Snuggie” right? Where the woman is unhappy about having to pay her electric bill so she keeps the house cold in the winter time. And then the announcer comes out and tells you how the “Snuggie” is a blanket with sleeves. We have all seen this stupid ass commercial right? Is it just me or is the “Snuggie” just a bath robe put on backwards? What a novel “invention” (insert eye roll here)! How bloody stupid do you have to be to go out and buy one of these?

And while we are on it, since it is a backwards bath robe without a belt when you get up aren’t you going to be cold again? Just like wearing a hospital gown.

Let’s look at this with some common sense shall we. First off, they just started offering this stupid thing in December. You know, when it is already cold. Then the small print says to add 2 to 6 weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?! Do the math, that’s mid-February if you order right now. You really think that a terry cloth bath robe is going to keep you warm in February?

Additionally, if you do the math the “Snuggie” is $19.95 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA) plus $7.95 for shipping. So that is $27.90 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA). Since it is already January, are you really going to save roughly $30 is your heating bill by turning your heat down a little between now and mid-February? You know, the very coldest part of the year, where you heat is going to run anyway? Oh and if you don’t live alone you got to dish out another $7.95 for one more, what if you live with 4 other people? Seriously, do the math, how much are you going to save?

It’s also kind of funny that you have a 30 day money back guarantee but may take six weeks to get to you, nice touch Snuggie. Oh and don’t forget that crappy book light. I would love to have been in the marketing meeting that produced this. Who was their target audience? The mentally handicapped?

You know what, I got a closet full of “Snuggies” in a lot more colors than the three that they offer on TV. And I will get them to you a hell of a lot quicker than six weeks. So send me $20 bucks and I will send you a robe, uhh, I mean a “Snuggie”. And if you order now, I will give you the opportunity to order our new two piece, fully enclosed “Snuggie” called sweatpants and a sweatshirt or sweater.

Oh and the “Shamwow”, give me a break. Shammys have been around for years and years. If I went to one of my friend’s house and they had a “Shamwow” as a bathmat I would laugh right in their face.

The people who buy this stuff must be the tinfoil hat wearing population of America.

But the worst of all is the late night electric wheelchair commercials from the Scooter Store. Have you seen the one where it looks like they left the door to the old folk’s home open? They show all of these senior citizens roaming town in their “powerchair”. First off, my grandmother had one of these and she couldn’t drive it for shit. You could tell everywhere she had been because the walls where all fucked up where she was running into stuff. Since she couldn’t drive it in her house, do you really think ANYONE would let her drive it to town? Where other cars where? And secondly it looks like a geriatric biker gang. They looked like the Hells Door Step Angels. Come on Scooter Store, do you watch your own commercials? If you really wanted to show what life with a powerchair is like, show the old people riding them with motorcycle helmets on and offer some kind of discount on doorframe repair. Oh and Scooter Store, just as a bit of free advice your R&D department might want to take a look at bumper cars. Seriously, pad the edges.

Oh and the damn watering globe, Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ, how lazy are you that you can’t pour some water into a pot every now and then. Shit, do like we do, just let them die a quick death. Don’t fill the plant with false hope that it might actually live.

But I do want one of those sliders grill things.

Don’t get dead

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Turn the tables on them

For some reason I have noticed that people have been bragging about their road rage lately, which I don’t get. I am not sure but I think in the Dallas area there are road rage police who patrol in unmarked cars. So why would someone brag on acting like an ass?

But here is how to have a little fun and turn the tables on people like that. Go to a toy store and buy a bunch of rubber spiders. Then you have to be able to act a little.

So here you are going down the road and someone pulls up beside you raising hell, what you have to do is to get them to roll down the window. Either by pretending that you can’t hear them or by yelling back at them. So roll your window down and get them to roll their window down then just toss one of those rubber spiders into their car.

Then just watch the hijinks, usually in your rear view mirror. Typically they slam on the brakes and sometimes if you lucky, they will slam into either a guard rail or a median divider.

What are they going to do, call the cops on you? What would they tell them, “You see officer, I was road raging when this guy threw a rubber spider into my car.”? Yeah…

Don’t get dead
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