Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dear Sweezey - My loser husband can't find a good paying job

Dear Sweezey,

My loser husband can't find a good paying job. He is a life long car salesman has not only bankruped our family with his silly jobs, but we've also lost our home to foreclosure and now i'm BEYOND pissed off. If he can't find a FULL TIME, decent paying job (with benefits) by the end of April, I'll be forced into looking for work just to pay some bills around here. This is NOT what I was planning on doing in my 40's. He hasn't even saved a dime for our retirement either. Wish that I could turn the clock back 25+ years and do things differently, but for now i'm stuck with an unemployable moron.

- Done in Dallas


Dear Done,

What do you want me to do about this? I’m not hiring. But let me see if I can help anyway.

So let me get this right. Your husband is the one that was, and probably always was, the one in the relationship who was working and somehow he is the loser? Yeeaahhhhh.

Here is the deal, you sound like a lazy bitch to me. I don’t know you but I do see that you don’t want to get off of your ass to get a job. So your house got foreclosed on and it is somehow his fault? I am sure that it has nothing to do with the entire nation being in turmoil huh. It has nothing to do with the country being in a recession at all, no that can’t be it.

So you are now beyond pissed huh. And if he can’t find a good paying full time job with benefits and a company car and a huge office with a corporate credit card or whatever the hell other bullshit demands that you have, you will be forced to look for a job huh? Considering that you don’t know that “I’m” is supposed to have a capital “I” and that the correct spelling of bankruped is bankrupted and “life long” is actually one word, I say good luck with that job hunt. I bet your resume looks like a monkey wrote it. I hope that you have some highly desirable skill set. But I can’t think of anything that is going to pay worth a damn that you can do with a mediocre, at best, command of the English language and grammar. If you don’t have enough sense to use spell check, how are you going to be able to get a job paying enough to elevate you back to queen bee status?

Now, as far as the retirement, I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me thinks why would he want to put something away for some ungrateful hag to blow? Then again, I see that you didn’t do anything to either encourage him to save or take the money you blew and put it into a rainy day savings on your own. You two are in this relationship together, sadly for him.

Nowhere in your letter did you explain what you have done for your relationship. What did you do in the past that is so fantastic? What makes you so great that you can’t join the workforce unless you have to? Why don’t you take the Marlboro 100 out of your sorry mouth and start picking up the place? Its call initiative, you should look it up. (Pssst, try dictionary.com!)

If you were worth a crap you should kiss his ass for taking care of you for this long while you didn’t do shit and let him know that you are there for him and that you two are going to do what it takes to get through this hard time in life together. But I am sure that you are far too good for that.

So this isn’t what you had planned on doing in your 40’s? That reminds me of an old Russian saying, “Tough Shitski!” I bet your husband didn’t plan on being legally bound to some ungrateful leach for 25+ years either. I find it funny that you call him a moron, yet you have apparently done nothing to better the situation until you are forced to. You heard about people who live in glass houses right?

I hope that your husband does get a great job and very soon. And then I hope he takes some of the money from his first paycheck and hire a divorce lawyer. I bet you would change your tune then.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Great show idea!

There is a show on the TV channel Spike called “Deadliest Warrior”. In this show they take various warriors throughout the world and history that would have never fought against each other naturally, like a pirate and a knight, and put them against each other in computer simulation battles. In the show they also detail four types of weapons for each warrior: a long range weapon; a mid range weapon; a close range weapon; and a special weapon. They have various ways of measuring the amount of lethal force that each weapon would produce and they tell which weapon would have the edge when it comes to deadly force. Then they run the battles 1000 times to see who comes out on top.

So my thought is why don’t we bring this into the current time? But instead of warriors how about we use regular annoying types of people. We could call it something like “Annoyingist (I know it’s not a real word) Citizen”. And instead of lethality we could rate the weapons on the level or annoyance.

For instance we would put soccer moms against metrosexual men.

So the long range weapon for the soccer moms would have to be the minivan/SUV. It really would be a multipurpose weapon. You have the distraction factor with the stickers on the back window with all of their kids names and what sports/activities that they play. Then there is the inability to park the vehicle. One could conceivable be injured or killed while gawking at the vehicle. But the most deadly/annoying part of this weapon would be the driving. Then there are the sudden lane changes, weaving and sudden braking because of texting or talking on the phone. This weapon is probably the deadliest/most annoying of all weapons.

The long range weapon for the metrosexual male would be the almighty cell phone. This weapon is also a multipurpose weapon as well. First there is way too cool for everyone else ringtone, typically a song from the top 40 or some kind of theme song like the theme from the Godfather movies. Additionally there are the very loud conversations, ones that contain the words dude, bro, killer, sweet, brah, man and nice over and over again in the same conversation. But that’s not all, then there is the constant playing with the phone (texting, checking email, downloading new aps, tossing/flipping the phone around or checking the time over and over again).

I would have to give the edge for long range weapons to the metrosexual male. I think that is more annoying.

The mid range weapon of choice for the soccer mom is screaming from the bleachers at the kid’s games. Hands down, this is a powerful weapon. And it is a broad range weapon too. Everyone in the area will be impacted by this weapon. The auditory assault is unbelievable. Go Timmy! Kick it Bobby! Run Johnny! Over and over and over again will drive you insane in virtually no time. And there is always the threat of the mom starting a chant, “Let’s go bombers, let’s go!”

The metrosexual male’s mid range weapon of choice is the annoying fake laugh. This weapon is also an auditory bomb. This weapon has to be deployed in a special way. The proper way to use this weapon is to be in the center of a group of people, typically with a cell phone at ones head. Once the stage is set, the detonation sequence is ready to begin. The guy has to stand up straight and tall, throw their head back and let out a big fake toothy laugh that carries. Now this weapon, unlike the screams from the bleachers, is a one dimensional weapon but still very powerful.

For mid range weapons I would have to give the edge to the soccer mom.

The close range weapon for the soccer mom is the oversized gear bag, typically used in conjunction with a slow meandering walk causing no one to be able to get by her. But that’s not the only way to use it. This weapon can also be used in many different ways such as flinging her upper body around without regard for anyone or anything around her, typically ending with the bag hitting a small child in the head or a dad in the junk. There is also the sudden drop of the large bag without warning of any type causing people behind her to trip, stumble and/or fall. Another way that this bag, which is big enough to smuggle villages of illegal aliens into the country, can be used is by almost violently searching for something in the bag. Not only is the mom scurrying though the bag, she is also yelling at her kids asking them if they brought such and such.

The close range weapon for the metrosexual male is cologne. This weapon is used in mass typically ambushing its victims. The overpriced high end department store liquid weapon of mass annoyance appears to be deployed as something that they get baptized in regardless of the appeal, or lack thereof, to ANYONE’S sense of smell. Typically this weapon causes its victims eyes and nose to burn uncontrollably. While an effective weapon, cologne has its limitations.

The edge for close range weapons goes to the soccer mom.

The soccer mom unleashes a wonderful weapon for its special weapon, her other children. Oh yes, a very powerful and multidirectional weapon which can be unleashed on the masses at any time, needs no set up and can swarm. This weapon can be used in a multitude of ways from running up and down the bleachers or throughout the park to yelling and screaming down the sides of the field to crying because they want a Popsicle to yelling because they need to go poopy and on and on and on. This is one hell of an annoying weapon.

As for the metrosexual male, their special weapon of choice is personal grooming. This too is a multifunctional weapon. This weapon contains everything from the slicked back Guido hair to the tanning bed tan which is darker than most Puerto Ricans. But the weapon doesn’t stop there. It also contains their manicure/pedicure, bleached teeth, waxed eyebrows, shaven underarms, arms and legs. These weapons are typically accompanied with big stupid looking sunglasses worn indoors at night, popped collars and rollup up shirt sleeves. And this weapon will be instantly unleashed anytime there is a camera or cell phone with a camera in close proximity.

This is a really close one but I think I have to give the edge to the metrosexual male on the special weapons. For a couple of reasons actually, not all soccer moms have more than one child and not all kids are annoying.

So after simulating the simulation in my head I have to crown the first Annoyingist Citizen to …… the metrosexual male. It was a very close battle but extreme vanity won out over living vicariously.

Upcoming battles will contain members of society such as senior citizens, cab drivers, rednecks, English soccer fans, hippy/free spirits, mall kiosk sales person, computer programmers, customer service reps, bar fly, jock, mall walkers, mall rat, gym rat, technology geek, biker, country boy, club girl, fast food manager, previously fat person who is now thinner, musicians, local stage actors, radio dj, left lane slow drivers, used car sales person, waiter, housewife, cokehead, pothead, surfer dude, immigrant worker, teenager, stripper, reality tv star, science fiction geek, local politician, engaged female, newlywed female, valet, nerd, armature photographer, stylist/barber, ice cream truck driver, stay at home mom, currier, debt collector, roofer, carpet installer, lawn crew, pool boy, sorority girls, frat boys, pizza delivery guy, skaters, new parents, cleaning crew, MMA fanatics, birthday clowns, cougars, milfs, community leaders, retail sales person, gay men, lesbians and so on. Get your TiVos ready and stay tuned.

- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Nope, It’s Me

You know, it’s amazing that I am not in jail or at least getting my ass kicked on a regular basis. I have never hidden the fact that I like things a certain way, everything from my house to my food. Ask my builder, he will tell you what a pain in the ass I am. But don’t ask the staff at Wendy’s, they will just tell you that I am a prick and … well, I can’t really argue with them.

You see one night I was coming home really late from a card game and wanted a spicy chicken sandwich. But I am funny about how I like them. For some reason I am not a fan of hot mayonnaise. It is just gross to me. And after a card game one night, around 2:00 AM, I am damn sure not a fan of it.

As you can probably imagine the dining room was closed and only the drive-thru was open. Like a good little fast food patron I wait in line, place my order without mayo, pay for it and pull out of the way once I get my food. I actually pulled into a parking spot, reached into the bag and pulled out this chicken sandwich that was covered in hot, greasy mayo.

Since I was already parked I just walked up to the drive-thru window between the car that just left and the car that was next in line and explained that my order was wrong to the lovely young (extreme sarcasm) lady.

Get this, this bitch wanted me to get back in my car, go to the back of the drive-thru line which wrapped around the building and then reorder my food.

No, fuck you tons of fun, I already waited in that long as line one time and you guys jacked up my order, not me! So I explained that I wasn’t going to do that and that I just wanted my food the way that I ordered it. In a huff this bitch closes the window on me while I am standing there and just steps away. That’s when I turned into the incredible a-hole.

I take the sandwich out of the wrapper and tap on the window. When Attila looks over, I open the sandwich dropping the chicken on the ground and taking the bun and smearing the mayo down both sides of the window and walk back to my car.

Some of the people in line cheered and honked their horn. But Attila stuck one of her ham hock arms and pumpkin head out of the window yelling at me that I had to “clean this shit up”. I turned to her and told her that she would have to go to the end of the line. I know, very childish. To which she responded with a one finger hand sign. I think it was a gang sign. Haha

- Don’t get dead

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Men.....

Dear Sweezey,

Just seems like all men want is sex. They make promise after promise with no intention of actually following through. I don't want anything but honesty...can't understand why men don't give that? I think I am going to just stay away from all of them. It's just easier.

Thanks in advance,

Everywhere

Dear Everywhere,

Are you saying that you are going to start fighting for the lesbinease? Hell yeah!

But to answer your question if you keep falling for the same thing over and over men think that is what you want, because you keep doing it. I know that if I see someone doing the same thing over and over again I think they like it. It’s almost Pavlovian.

So you see it’s really your fault because you are misleading men. How dare you for point fingers at innocent men who go out of their way to lie to you simply to make you happy. You know these men are going out of their way just to please you. Shame on you!

And yeah, you’re right. All men what is sex. You’re not really breaking the news with that revelation.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Question for women

Dear Sweezey,

I know that this may sound dumb but, I recently caught my wife cheating on me. I walked in and caught her bent over the couch. We had never done this before and my question is do women like to be bent over and fucked? I always thought that it would be uncomfortable.

- Big D

Dear Big D,

You catch your wife cheating and that’s your question? Seriously? You didn’t ask about a good divorce lawyer or if you might catch something from her, who should move out or any of that stuff? You didn’t even ask if you would have gone to jail if you shot him. You got one messed up relationship dude.

At least now you know why the couch smells like that.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Daddy's Guitar

Dear Sweezey,

I am having to sell my father's guitar. He was a bass player for Billy Haley and the Comets. My father got the name "Comets" because he got drunk off Pabst Blue Ribbon one night and saw one. Anyways, this guitar was personally signed by Haley himself and my father was very grateful for him. Bill used to sing us songs when we were kids. Anyways, a man from Memphis offered $88,000 for the guitar and I am psyched that its worth that much but I am sad to see it go. I am a laid off factory worker here from Little Rock, I'm 52 years old with nothing but 22 years working for a packing company for 22 years and nothing, I have nothing.

What should I do? Do you think that I should sell it or hold out and see if I can get more for it?

Thanks for your help,

Jr. Bass


Dear Jr.,

Are you following in your daddy’s footsteps with the PBR right now? Hell yeah you should sell it! Your ass is broke with no job. Hell, 88K is more that some people make in a year.

And since you obviously don’t make real smart finical decisions let me help you out a little bit. Just as soon as you get your money, go to Office Depot and buy a sharpie then go to your bank, assuming you have a bank account (if not open one) and put the rest of the money in the bank and DON’T TOUCH IT. Ever! And if you think you need to get some of that money out kick yourself in the nuts first. You’re 52 and don’t have shit? The last think you need to do is blow your genetic lottery winnings.

Why the sharpie? Well a couple of months ago I had a garage sale where I sold a circular saw that Elvis signed for $50. I also sold a kitchen clock that Jimi Hendrix signed for $17 and the vacuum cleaner that Stevie Ray Vaughn used to vacuum my living room then signed, I got $40 for it. When I get home Kurt Cobain is going to sign a baseball cap. Get it? Take a picture of that autograph and practice, practice, practice!

If I was you, the bass player for Bill Haley and the Comets son (yikes), Bill Haley would have signed every book, toaster, article of clothing and anything else that I could find in my house. Bill Haley would be signing boxes of macaroni and cheese just as soon as I got home.

Hope this helps,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Monday, April 19, 2010

This weekend

For those of you who don’t know, I live in the Dallas area. And people around here think that the world is about to end. Not because of all of the recent earthquakes or the volcano in Iceland or the Mayan calendar or anything like that. Nope nothing like that. They think it’s because we had a big snow storm last winter and we have gotten more rain than usual this year.

Now the rain is really causing problems flooding, traffic problems and even a small landslide.

We even got more rain over the weekend. And it really has a lot of people up in arms. Because of the flooding you may ask? Nope. Traffic? Not so much. Landslides? Oh, swing and a miss! Nope, the rain over the weekend jacked up a NASCAR race. OH THE HORROR!!

It was the lead story on pretty much every news outlet. You would have thought that someone was giving away money by the amount of coverage that it got. Nothing on what’s going on in the Middle East, nothing on what the president is doing, noting on the stock market. Nope none of that unimportant stuff, we didn’t get to have the NASCAR race was top dog.

So the rain kept the races from happening over the weekend and this morning again, it’s the lead story on all of the local news outlets. The big story now is that they are going to finish the race today but not everyone is going to be able to see the race. Apparently the last time they finished a race on a Monday there were eighty thousand people there and the track hoped to beat that record today.

I really don’t see how that will be so hard. I saw the aerial footage of the track parking and it looks to me like most of the fans brought their houses with them.

- Don’t get dead

Sunday, April 18, 2010

New Superheroes

Of course growing up every boy wanted to be a superhero. There were the usual guys, Captain America, Superman, Batman, Spiderman, The Green Hornet and so on. Then there were some new superheroes in that Ben Stiller movie. One guy had a special bowling ball and I think there was a guy with some forks or something, I don’t remember exactly. But the thing about those guys is that that all had special powers. I think that it is time for people with normal powers to become heroes.

As I was thinking about how we need some new Superheroes I heard about this new movie “Kick Ass” that is about ordinary people without super powers making themselves Super Heroes. I saw on the news there are these people running around NYC donning capes and mask. So I know there are others who have been thinking like me.

For instance there could be “Annoy The Hell Out Of You Man”. His powers would be something like clearing his throat over and over, or maybe some weird non-stop laughing. He would just frustrate the bad guys into giving up.

What about “Body Odor Man”. His superpower could be that he smells of rotting maggots. All he would need would be a big fan that he could point at the bad guys and stand between the fan and the bad guys. I would think it would be hard to commit crimes while dry heaving uncontrollably.

“Long Story Man” would tell the longest, boring, no point having stories without letting the bad guy get a word in edgewise. While he assaults the bad guys eardrums and holds them hostage until the police get there or the hostages have time to devise an escape plan or whatever. This hero is most effective when he is older in life.

What about “Hairy Fat Man in a Speedo… Man”! His powers are obvious, complete distraction. Seriously, who could look away from that train wreck?

There also could be “Know It All Man”. He would be able to disarm/distract the crook by telling them how he could escape from the knot that they used to tie up the hostages or how the explosive they devised isn’t strong enough to bust through the wall and he could build a better one. This hero is most effective by causing the criminals to run head first into the closest brick wall.

Oh and what about “Mega Bitch Woman”! She would be able to fight crime by nonstop nagging and constant bitching until the bad guys would turn their weapons on themselves. I bet that if there were several of these heroines and if enough of them hang out together, in time they will be able fight unthinkable amounts of crime all at the same time. Probably even rid the world of crime all together. All while telling you how you are doing it wrong. The only downside is that she would only be able to fight crime once a month for about a week.

- Don’t get dead

Friday, April 16, 2010

Masculinity on a serious decline

A recent survey by research group Dewey, Cheatem & Howe shows that there is a huge decline in masculinity among men in the United States.  That’s right the new survey shows a two thirds drop over the last year.

  The reason isn’t that men have stopped drinking beer and martinis in favor of mojitos and daiquiris.  Or that men have stopped working on cars or quit wood working.  There is no drop in the amount of men who weld or ride motorcycles.  And only a slight decrease in the number of men who work in their lawns, but not enough to affect the survey.

  So you may be asking what is causing the drop. Blackberrys, iPhones and so on are to blame.  Yes, that’s right, the ole twitter from the shitter is to blame.  This survey shows that two thirds more men are sitting to pee because of checking facebook or their fantasy league on their smartphone while taking a squirt.

  Standing to pee, there’s no app for that.

  -- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Game Shows

I have decided that the American TV audience needs some new games shows, prime time game shows at that. So I have decided to help out the networks with my game show ideas. Maybe it’s just me but I would watch these.

Faking It – The contestant is dressed appropriately for a profession and they have to see how long they can last before someone calls them out. The longer they make it the more cash and prizes they win.

Lit Up – A game where people are asked questions either from the news and current events or common sense type questions. Every time that they get a question wrong, they get shocked with a taser.

Strip Geography – That’s right, if you can’t find Iraq on a map you got to show the nation your Willie!

Project X – A game show where you take repeat offender and run medical experiments on them. I don’t quite know how to make a “game” out of it but I like the idea.

Hazing – A game show where contestants have to go through college hazing for cash and prizes. But it’s not just going through the task that helps you win prizes. No, no, no, it’s not that easy. You have to decide what the sponsor for that prize would think. For example, say the prize is a new car. To win the car you are brought into a room with a door on the left and a door on the right. You are handed a condom and told that there is a goat behind the door on the right and the door on the left leads you back stage. What do you do? How bad do you want the new car? Do you think that the announcer is going to say, “This instance of bestiality is brought to you by Ford”? I don’t think so either. So if you decide to poke a goat you lose it all but if you decide to only put your pecker in your own species then you win the new car. Or maybe you have to drink a cup of spit to win Ozarka water for life. Let a blind person give you a hair cut that you have to keep for a month to win Toni and Guy gift certificates?

Gut Buster – Contestants are fed tons of greasy junk food followed by pots of strong black coffee. Whoever stays clean the longest wins!

Crazy or Not Crazy – Contestants sit on a panel and ask a guest questions to see if they can figure out if the guest is a loon. Questions like how many cats do you have? How many stuffed Disney characters are in your bedroom? How many times in a row would you call someone’s cell phone (psycho dial) if you where trying to get a hold of them? Or maybe, what’s inside your medicine chest at home? Do you think that the government is following you? Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Correct guesses get your prizes.

What would you sacrifice? – A game show where all of the contestants have a need (food, money, job, car, etc.) which they can win. But they will have to sacrifice something (toe, ear, dignity, spouse, whatever). So to win, they have to lose.

Dog or starving person – This is a race game where you take various people who are starving and they have to race various dogs to win food. First one there gets the food. Sometimes it might be just a straight race, sometimes it might be an obstacle course.

Reunion – A game show where bullies are reunited with the kids that they picked on and a judge rule as to if the kid was a bully or not. The winner gets payback. Like the looser has to be strapped into labor stirrups and the winner gets a paintball gun. You can see where this is going. Or the looser is strapped down and the winner gets some thick cardstock and they get to go Edward Scissorhands on the looser.

Will This Kill Me? – Contestants have to decide if an item (food, weapon or other) would kill them. But here’s the catch, they only win cash and prizes if they don’t think that the item will kill them and they are right. Of course they have to try it to find out.

Poop or Food? – Contestants have to figure out if what’s in the bowl IS food or WAS food. Bonus points if they take a bite. Ehh, this one might be a bit much even for me.

Don’t get dead
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