Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The first round is on the house

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to own a bar and grill. I know the T.V. show Cheers has to be partly to blame. But I always thought it would be kind of cool and fun to have a place. But not just any bar, THE bar. The kind of place that was packed every night, with a line to get in that ran down the street.

To have a place like that I would think that you would need three key factors, a prime location, a great atmosphere and specialty food and drinks. Location is out of my control, I would have to hire someone to create the right atmosphere so that leaves the food and drinks. So I thought I would give putting together some house specials.

Let’s start with some the food.

The Urban Meyer sandwich – go to the store and get your favorite pre-made sandwich, eat half of it and proclaim it to be the best sandwich ever. Then you have your wife call 9-1-1, and then let everyone know that you are finished with the sandwich. Wait a couple of minutes and decide that you are going to continue eating the sandwich. After a couple of minutes more decide that you are done with the sandwich. A few minutes later proclaim that you don’t know if you are going to eat the sandwich or not but that you are going to be associated with the sandwich in some way.

The Gulf of Mexico sandwich – start with a piece of Mahi Mahi, Red Snapper, Mackerel, Amberjack and Anchovies into a hoagie roll. Add a scoop of tuna salad and several fried shrimp. Top with lots and lots of oil and vinegar, but mostly oil.

The Obama sandwich – this sandwich contains the meat from the left wing of a vulture, add a several slices of Swiss cheese with lots of holes, and then add several slices of baloney and top with mole sauce. This sandwich goes well with the mixed drink The Congress listed below.

Let’s move on to the drinks.

The Congress – in a big glass blender pour in a large can of mixed nuts, a bottle of w(h)ine, a couple of fruits, then add a couple of cut up hotdogs (because we all know what hotdogs are made out of), and top it off with a large helping of the manure of a bull. Mix well and try to choke it back and not get sick.

The Toyota – equal parts sake and Red Bull poured into a glass lined with an 8-ball of speed.

The Tiger Woods – mix sake, Ripple, 14 blonde ale beers, a shot of wheat grass and a shot of Norwegian vodka in a dented shaker with “fore” ice cubes. Serve in a Bloody Mary glass. You’ll be sure to be selling buuuuuuicks at the porcelain water hazard later.

The O.J. Simpson – it is a can of slice and a Bloody Mary. First you drink a slice and then the Bloody Mary.

The Gangbang – start with a Shirley Temple in a high ball glass, add a shot of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo. Shake vigorously and top with some Sam Adams.

The Tim Tebow – equal parts Gatorade and holy water poured into an old fashion glass where the rim is lined with freshly chopped onion, you know for the tears.

I am working on a drink called the Kim Jong Il but I don’t know how to get bat shit crazy into a glass. This place is going to rule right?

- Don’t get dead

Friday, May 14, 2010

Furniture Game

In a few days I am closing on a new house. And as is probably typical with most new home owners I am buying new furniture to fit the new house “theme” or whatever. Anyway, I am buying new furniture.

I don’t know what it is about furniture and car sales people but they bug the shit out of me. Just leave me alone. I know that if I have a question about something that you will be happy to answer it for me, got it, now go away. But they won’t go away, they are like freaking gnats. So I have had enough and started to have some fun with them.

We all know that theses sales leaches hang out by the front door just waiting for some fresh meat to walk in the door. Seriously tiger sharks are more courteous. So do what you can to throw them off of their game before they get you in their clutches. And they are going to get you, they always do. I mean you are going into their den or where ever leaches hang out.

• When they come up to you avoid them like they are paparazzi. And go the distance, put your hands up as if to block a picture of your face from being taken, put your arm over your eyes, the whole nine yards.
• Run from them as if you were playing freeze tag.
• Run from them in a zig-zag pattern as if it was a maze or slalom race course.
• One of my personal favorites is to walk in, once you seem them starting to move towards you, turn around and walk back out of the store. Do this a few times in a row.

So now you are in and you have been “greeted”, don’t give in.

• Introduce yourself to every sales person that you see and tell them that if there is anything that you can help them with, don’t hesitate to ask. Then just follow them around hanging back about ten feet or so.
• Ask a sales person for a price on something that is not marked, then see how many people you can get to go find you a price for it as well before the first one gets back.• Run from piece to piece hiding behind them as if you are trying not to be seen. Every now and then peep over a piece at the sales person. Get the big eyes then duck back down and run to the next piece.
• Ask the sales person to sit beside you on a couch so that you can see how easy it is to put your arm around someone because you are looking for your new “mackin” couch.
• When the sales person says to try out a couch, run and jump into it feet first and then lie over the arm of the couch or flip over and lay upside down on it. Tell them that this is going into the kids’ playroom.
• Tell the sales person to lay down with you on the couch because you and the wife likes to (use finger quotes) “snuggle” on the couch and that the sales person is about the same size as your wife, regardless of the size of the sales person.
• When looking at bedroom furniture ask the sales person if they think that a child’s body would fit into one of the dresser drawers.• When trying out a mattress lay flat on your back with your arms crossed palms down, up by your shoulders as if you were dead and posed that way. Stay very still and lay there for a while.
• Walk up to a piece of furniture and put your hand out flat at crotch level as if you were going to show someone how tall something was. Do a couple of pelvic thrust and say out loud, “This simply won’t do” and go to another piece of furniture.
• When looking at anything with drawers in it comment on how much weed, blow, horse, cheese or any other slang drug name do they think would fit into that drawer. For instance, “Man you could put a shitload of weed in that drawer” or “I bet I could easily get an entire key of some fine Columbian blow in that drawer, what do you think?”
• Ask the sales person if they think that the piece of furniture would hide a hole in a wall…about the size of an escape tunnel.
• Lay on a bed with your arms and legs stretched out into the shape of an X. Then say aloud, “I just can’t tell” and ask the sales person to lay on the bed in the same way. Then out loud estimate how much rope you would need to tie them to the bed.
• Ask the sales person if the bed is flame retardant. If asked why simply say, “Oh no reason” and walk away.
• Pick up random accessories and ask if they think and camera would fit in it. Again if asked why just tell them no reason and then put it down and walk away.
• Every time you look at a couch ask if it comes in Naugahyde.
• While looking at bedroom furniture, ask if they think the dresser would support your weight. Tell them that you sometimes like to wear a mask and cape and jump into bed from the dresser.
• Ask how hard would it be to cut through and particular piece of furniture with a chainsaw if it were …say …propped up against a door.
• Make your way over to the couches that have cup holders in them, point to the plastic cup holders and ask if the spit cups are extra.
• Ask the sales person if the piece you are looking at looks too (pick an ethnic group). Such as does this dining room set look too Jewy? Or is this couch too white trash? Change it up and keep asking.
• Tell them that you are looking for a replacement piece. Then take a piece of crime scene tape and lay on the furniture then step back and take a look at it from a distance. Then ask how fast they can deliver it.
• When looking at dining room chairs use them as if in a dance routine. Either jazz dance or Flashdance.
• Ask over and over again for each piece that you look at how well it repels blood, semen and animal hair.
• Ask what the measurements of random large objects are. When they ask how big of a piece do you need, tell them “big enough to cover a very large blood stai….to cover a large stain” and move on.
• Ask if the material holds in “fart smells”

Have I mentioned how my wife hates shopping with me? I have no idea why.

- Don’t get dead

Friday, May 07, 2010

Ring Music

I have a few friends who have songs that play when you call them while their phone is ringing. Not like ringtones but like hold music, meaning I hear it on my phone until they answer or the call goes to voicemail. And typically the music reflects their personalities.

I think that support groups should do this too. And they should put me in charge of picking the music. I bet I could have the hold times down to no time at all.

Like if someone called Over Eaters Anonymous they would hear Going the Distance by the band Cake? Or maybe Eat It by Weird Al.

Or these others support groups and heard these songs

Suicide Hot Line
- Jump by Van Halen
- Hurt by Nine Inch Nails
- Suicide Solution by Ozzy Osborne

Gamblers Anonymous
- The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

Debt & Finical Support Group
- Money by Pink Floyd

Alcoholics Anonymous
- One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer by George Thorogood
- I Drink Alone by George Thorogood
- Have a Drink On Me by AC/DC

ADHD Support Group
- Stop, Hey What’s That Sound by Buffalo Springfield

Divorce Recovery Support Group
- D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette

Road Rage Support Group
- I Can’t Drive 55 by Sammy Hagar

Masturbation Addiction Recovery
- I Touch Myself by The Divinyls

Cross Dressers Anonymous
- Dude Looks Like A Lady by Aerosmith

Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend by 20 Fingers
- Fat Bottom Girls by Queen
- Welcome to the Fuck Shop by 2 Live Crew

Drug Addicts Anonymous
- Cocaine by Eric Clapton
- Lit Up by Buckcherry
- Hits from the Bong by Cypress Hill
- Mary Jane by Rick James

Adulterers Anonymous
- Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
- Community Property by Steel Panther

Abstinence Support Group
- C’mon And Love Me by Kiss
- Calling Dr. Love by Kiss

Herpes Support Group
- Breakout by the Foo Fighters

Chronic Pain Support Group
- Numb by Nine Inch Nails

Self-Cutters Anonymous
- Cuts Like a Knife by Brian Adams

Stop Smoking Support Group
- Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple
- Smoking in the Boys Room by Brownsville Station

Shoplifters Self Help
- Wrap It Up by The Fabulous Thunderbirds

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous
- One Hand in my Pocket by Alanis Morissette

Strip Club Addiction Support Group
- Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue

Booger Eaters Anonymous
- Taste Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Dog Fighters Anonymous
- Who Let The Dogs Out by the Baja Men
- Bark at the Moon by Ozzy Osborne

Chicken Fighters Anonymous
- Feathers by Coheed and Cambria

Blood Drinkers Anonymous
- The Red by Chevelle

Codependency Support Group
- With or Without You by U2

Diabetes Support Group
- Sugar, Sugar by The Archies

Insomnia Support Group
- Up All Night by Slaughter

Loneliness Support Group
- One by Metallica
- One (is the Loneliest Number) by Three Dog Night
- I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams

Bereavement Support Group
- Another One Bites the Dust by Queen

Coming Out Support Group
- Changes by Tesla
- The Real Me by The Who

Seizure Support Group
- Freak Out by Le Freak

Blindness Support Group
- I Can See Clearly Now by Jimmy Cliff
- Seeing Things by The Black Crows

Menopause Support Group
- Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Vasectomy Support Group
- Cuts Like A Knife by Brian Adams
- Balls To The Wall by Accept

Impotence Support Group
- Willie The Wimp by Stevie Ray Vaughn

IBS Self-Help and Support Group
- That Smell by Lynyrd Skynyrd

- Don’t get dead

Monday, May 03, 2010

Either do it or don’t but don’t jack up traffic

The other day while on my way to work I was listening to the radio for local traffic, news and weather just like most people do. I don’t like rush hour traffic any more than anyone else, matter of fact I probably hate it more than others.

During the traffic segment the reporter was talking about a jumper on one of the local bridges and how traffic was backed up.

If I didn’t have a meeting that morning I would have made my way over to the bridge where the jumper is, why because I had my iPod in the car.

You see these pricks are so starved for attention that they screw up everyone else’s day so that they get noticed.

So I have now created my jumper iPod playlist. The next time I hear about some goof on the roof of a building or a bridge I am going to make my way over and crank up my playlist which consist of the songs:

Jump by Van Halen (might as well jump)
Bodies by Drowning Pool (let the bodies hit the floor)
Fly by Sugar Ray (spread your wings and fly)
Let’s Go All The Way by Sly Fox
Jumper by Third Eye Blind
Jumping Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
Time for Me to Fly by REO Speedwagon
Boulevard by Jackson Browne
Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
Jump by Kriss Kross
(I Just) Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew
Die Die My Darling by the Misfits
Catch Me I’m Falling by Pretty Poison
Free Falling by Tom Petty
Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz
Suicide Solution by Ozzy Osborne
Fly to the Angles by Slaughter
The Bird by The Time

Think that will get to point across?

- Don’t get dead

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Anyone where CONTACT LENSES if so could you help me here?? (My first time...)

Dear Sweezey,

Ok, well Im needing to get GLASSES bad as to I am blind as a bat lol. My question is, where is the best place to go get an EXAM, AND GET CONTACT LENSES that are affordable and good? But here is the thing, I know you have your DAILIES, WEEKS, THROW AWAYS ETC, BUT WTF DO I CHOOSE?? AND HOW DO I DO IT?

I want ones that I can get like six months, hell even up to a year at a time, but Id be grateful for SIX MONTHS at a time! Also, how much do they usually cost? I was wanting to get colored ones too. Im just trying to weigh my options as to where to go.




Dear Anonymous,

I am going to go easy on you for the spelling and grammar on this one. But after reading your letter my best advice to you would be to go to A FUCKING OPTOMETRIST! Just an idea.

I swear I am starting to worry about you people. Do you all live under powerlines? Does your microwave have a door that actually closes? Eat a lot of paint chips or someting?

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead
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