Furniture Game

In a few days I am closing on a new house. And as is probably typical with most new home owners I am buying new furniture to fit the new house “theme” or whatever. Anyway, I am buying new furniture.

I don’t know what it is about furniture and car sales people but they bug the shit out of me. Just leave me alone. I know that if I have a question about something that you will be happy to answer it for me, got it, now go away. But they won’t go away, they are like freaking gnats. So I have had enough and started to have some fun with them.

We all know that theses sales leaches hang out by the front door just waiting for some fresh meat to walk in the door. Seriously tiger sharks are more courteous. So do what you can to throw them off of their game before they get you in their clutches. And they are going to get you, they always do. I mean you are going into their den or where ever leaches hang out.

• When they come up to you avoid them like they are paparazzi. And go the distance, put your hands up as if to block a picture of your face from being taken, put your arm over your eyes, the whole nine yards.
• Run from them as if you were playing freeze tag.
• Run from them in a zig-zag pattern as if it was a maze or slalom race course.
• One of my personal favorites is to walk in, once you seem them starting to move towards you, turn around and walk back out of the store. Do this a few times in a row.

So now you are in and you have been “greeted”, don’t give in.

• Introduce yourself to every sales person that you see and tell them that if there is anything that you can help them with, don’t hesitate to ask. Then just follow them around hanging back about ten feet or so.
• Ask a sales person for a price on something that is not marked, then see how many people you can get to go find you a price for it as well before the first one gets back.• Run from piece to piece hiding behind them as if you are trying not to be seen. Every now and then peep over a piece at the sales person. Get the big eyes then duck back down and run to the next piece.
• Ask the sales person to sit beside you on a couch so that you can see how easy it is to put your arm around someone because you are looking for your new “mackin” couch.
• When the sales person says to try out a couch, run and jump into it feet first and then lie over the arm of the couch or flip over and lay upside down on it. Tell them that this is going into the kids’ playroom.
• Tell the sales person to lay down with you on the couch because you and the wife likes to (use finger quotes) “snuggle” on the couch and that the sales person is about the same size as your wife, regardless of the size of the sales person.
• When looking at bedroom furniture ask the sales person if they think that a child’s body would fit into one of the dresser drawers.• When trying out a mattress lay flat on your back with your arms crossed palms down, up by your shoulders as if you were dead and posed that way. Stay very still and lay there for a while.
• Walk up to a piece of furniture and put your hand out flat at crotch level as if you were going to show someone how tall something was. Do a couple of pelvic thrust and say out loud, “This simply won’t do” and go to another piece of furniture.
• When looking at anything with drawers in it comment on how much weed, blow, horse, cheese or any other slang drug name do they think would fit into that drawer. For instance, “Man you could put a shitload of weed in that drawer” or “I bet I could easily get an entire key of some fine Columbian blow in that drawer, what do you think?”
• Ask the sales person if they think that the piece of furniture would hide a hole in a wall…about the size of an escape tunnel.
• Lay on a bed with your arms and legs stretched out into the shape of an X. Then say aloud, “I just can’t tell” and ask the sales person to lay on the bed in the same way. Then out loud estimate how much rope you would need to tie them to the bed.
• Ask the sales person if the bed is flame retardant. If asked why simply say, “Oh no reason” and walk away.
• Pick up random accessories and ask if they think and camera would fit in it. Again if asked why just tell them no reason and then put it down and walk away.
• Every time you look at a couch ask if it comes in Naugahyde.
• While looking at bedroom furniture, ask if they think the dresser would support your weight. Tell them that you sometimes like to wear a mask and cape and jump into bed from the dresser.
• Ask how hard would it be to cut through and particular piece of furniture with a chainsaw if it were …say …propped up against a door.
• Make your way over to the couches that have cup holders in them, point to the plastic cup holders and ask if the spit cups are extra.
• Ask the sales person if the piece you are looking at looks too (pick an ethnic group). Such as does this dining room set look too Jewy? Or is this couch too white trash? Change it up and keep asking.
• Tell them that you are looking for a replacement piece. Then take a piece of crime scene tape and lay on the furniture then step back and take a look at it from a distance. Then ask how fast they can deliver it.
• When looking at dining room chairs use them as if in a dance routine. Either jazz dance or Flashdance.
• Ask over and over again for each piece that you look at how well it repels blood, semen and animal hair.
• Ask what the measurements of random large objects are. When they ask how big of a piece do you need, tell them “big enough to cover a very large blood stai….to cover a large stain” and move on.
• Ask if the material holds in “fart smells”

Have I mentioned how my wife hates shopping with me? I have no idea why.

- Don’t get dead