If you thought NCAA Football was a mess before, get a load of this…

So today the NCAA voted and approved to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line, which will take effect next season. This was in an effort to keep players safer, in other words, more touchbacks. Ok why don’t we just cut out the BS and eliminate the kickoff and start the game on the 20 yard line. Seems like they want every kickoff to be a touchback. So just save those few seconds of the game for some actual plays.

Not only that but in another effort to keep the players safe, the kicking team will be limited to a 5 yard head start. So let’s think about this for a second shall we? So you want to kick the ball closer to the other team’s goal line and only give the kicking team a 5 yard head start. Wouldn’t that give the receiving team a few seconds more to think about returning the ball? Doesn’t that go against moving the kickoff up five yards to cause more touchbacks? How is that making it safer? Oh and since they only have 5 yards now, don’t you think the gunners are going to try to get to the returner even faster now? Think we are going to see any hamstring injuries? What about when the receiving team does decide to return the ball, think there will be some kids getting their bell rung? Nice job keeping them “safer” NCAA.

And if that’s not enough, there is also a new rule going into effect that will require a player who loses his helmet to leave the game for one play. Are you serious? So you mean to tell me that there are four seconds left on the clock, the team with the ball is down by four and in the red zone but the starting QB lost his helmet the play before so he has to sit out a play? Or the ball is on the goal line and the star running back lost his helmet with 1 second left on the clock and he is going to have to sit out a play. I think some coaches are going to crap a goose on that one. Not only that but on the keeping them safer thing, don’t you think some linebackers are going to try to knock a QB’s helmet off now? I’m not a pessimist and I understand keeping the kids safe but I’m not sure this is the best way to go about it.

Additionally, there are new rules regarding blocking below the waist and blocking on punt returns. So you can’t lead with the head on a tackle, you can’t block in the back and now there is a restriction on blocking below the waist? Why don’t we just have the areas where it is safe to tackle/block someone painted bright yellow or something? Come on, this is ridiculous.

Get this, players will also be prohibited from leaping over blockers when trying to block punts. Seriously? What’s next? Are they going to have to say, “Excuse me” or ask for permission to try to block a punt next? Why not make them hold hands and sing Kum By Ya when they play? Why don’t you just put them in a suit of armor or those big sumo suits?

NCAA, please stop messing around with the game. The officials are having a hard enough time enforcing the rules that have been in place for decades. Throwing this new stuff in is going to really screw with their heads. And look what all of the rule changes did to hockey in the 90’s. You took one of the best and most exciting games to watch and dulled it down big time.

Larry King Interview

The other day I had the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes and have a quick talk with former talk show host Larry King.

Me: Hi Larry, thanks for taking a few minutes this afternoon to meet with me.
Larry King: My pleasure.

Me: So Larry you decided to call it quits after all these years, can you tell me why?
LK: Ehh, I was having trouble hearing. I am having some blockage that prevents me from hearing as clearly as I used to.
Me: Oh, have you thought about a hearing aid?
LK: It’s not my ears.
Me: It’s not?
LK: No, it’s my shoulders. They have been creeping closer and closer to my head for years. They are like ear muffs.
Me: Ahh, got ya.
LK: Plus I’m having a hard time seeing as well as I used to.
Me: Didn’t you have cataract surgery a few years ago? I saw photos you looking all Captain Jack Sparrow online.
LK: Yes I did.
Me: That didn’t help?
LK: At first it did. But my neck is so weak from all of those years of holding up those coke bottles and my prescription has changed again but I can’t hold up thicker, heavier lenses.
Me: I remember those old glasses. I thought you could see the future with them.
LK: No kidding.
Me: Speaking of your famous frames, who makes them?
LK: I have no idea. I know that the name is on them but when I take them off I can’t see a damn thing.
Me: Ever thought about using another pair of glasses to read the name on those glasses.
LK: I don’t have another pair.
Me: Ever think about getting another pair?
LK: Woah! That’s a great idea. I’m going to get right on that.

Me: So people joke that your trademark suspenders are too tight and that if you loosened them you wouldn’t have that whole shoulder thing going on.
LK: Why would I loosen them? I have worn them the same way since I was 12.
Me: But haven’t you grown since you were 12 years old? I mean I didn’t know you back then but aren’t you taller now then you were when you were 12?
LK: Ohh…

Me: So tell me who was your favorite interview?
LK: I would have to say it was Willie Nelson. After the show he let me check out his tour bus.
Me: Oh the whole biodiesel thing huh.
LK: What? No, we got stoned out of our minds on that bus. He has some killer weed.
Me: …oooookkkaaayyy
LK: I asked if I could go on tour with him but he told me that he already had a doorstop, whatever that means.

Me: I have heard that you are a huge sports fan, who is your favorite team?
LK: *sniff sniff*
Me: Larry, are you ok? Is this question making you emotional?
LK: No, I think I farted. At my age sometimes these things are hard to control.
Me …

Me: So back to the previous question, who is your favorite sports team?
LK: Aww, DAMMIT!
Me: What Larry? That was a softball question.
LK: No, no, no, not that. I sharted myself. I told you that these things were hard to control. Hey, do you know where my lunch is?
Me: No Larry, I have no idea where your lunch is.
LK: I do…
Me: Ok Larry, where is your lunch?
LK: Depends, get it?! I just sharted in my pants.
Me: Oh geez Larry, that was a bit much. Even for me.

Me: Moving right along, what are some of your pre-show routines?
LK: Show? What show?
Me: You were the host of a nationally syndicated call in talk show.
LK: Oh…well that explains the voices. I just thought that I was crazy. I didn’t know that everyone else could hear them too. That’s pretty cool, the whole I’m not crazy part.
Me: I didn’t say that.
LK: Whatever, I’m going with it.

Me: Mr. King, you’ve been married and divorced several times.
LK: Yes, I have.
Me: Who knew that so many women had a crypt keeper fetish?
LK: Yes, who knew? Aha ha
Me: Do you keep in touch with any of them?
LK: No, no, no…
Me: Do you even remember their names?
LK: Well, uhhh…I just call them all plaintiff.

Me: Who is the one person that you never got to interview that you wish you could?
LK: Oh, Jesus Christ!
Me: I had no idea that you were a religious person, Larry.
LK: No, it’s not that. These diapers aren’t nearly as absorbent as they used to be. I got a situation going on here and not that kid from New Jersey.

Me: So tell me, what was it like seeing fire get invented?
LK: Huh?
Me: Never mind.

Me: If you could go back in time and change one thing about your past, what would it be?
LK: Pre-nup, these bitches will rob you blind.

Me: Tell me Larry, what do you like to do when you are not behind the mic?
LK: I love to go shopping. Where’s my checkbook?!
Me: Do you really think that is a good idea?
LK: Oh yeah, that thing.

Me: What goes through your head when you are interviewing someone?
LK: Usually a marionette show.
Me: Which explains a lot.

Me: What’s one thing that you wish you had done in your life?
LK: Porn, eh heh heh.
Me: Uhhhgg
LK: You ok?
Me: Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Me: I’ve noticed that you usually have a mug on your desk during the show, what’s in the mug?
LK: Metamucil
Me: I should have known.

- Don’t get dead

Fountain Moron Viral Video

I don’t know if you have seen the video or not but some idiot in PA was walking in a mall while texting on her phone and walked right into a fountain. Now when I say she walked into a fountain I don’t mean that she bumped into it I mean that she went head first into a fountain. Mash here for the video. So here is the kicker on this, this woman has hired an attorney and is considering bringing a lawsuit against the mall. She’s all P.O.’d because someone “leaked” the footage from the mall’s security camera and she has been humiliated.

Let’s take a little deeper look at this shall we? Yes, we shall. The “leaked” footage to me appears to be from someone’s cell phone. So it might be a bit tricky to sue the mall, the security guard with the cell phone maybe.

Now how big is a fountain? They are huge. From the looks at the one in the video it’s about 50 feet across. Seriously, she didn’t see it?

For arguments sake, let’s say that she didn’t see it. Ever been near a fountain? They are kind of loud with all of that running water splashing around. You mean to tell me that not only did she not see it but she couldn’t hear it either?

The story says that she was humiliated, she humiliated herself. She should be pissed at herself for not having walking around sense, literally.

Also in the story she says that the assumed security guard was laughing and should have been asking if she was ok. First off, it was funny, I wish that the security guards all ran down, pointed and laughed in her face. Secondly, she popped right up, picked up her stuff, climbed out of the fountain and began walking away. Obviously she was fine. She also said that no one came to her aid. If she got up on her own and began walking away without even breaking a stride, how much aid did she need? It was also mentioned in the story that she claimed that it took security 20 minutes to get there. For all we know the security office could have been on the complete other side of the mall AND she got right out of the fountain and keep walking. Ever think that it might have taken a while to get to her. Of course it would be pretty easy to find her once they made it to the fountain. All they would have to do would be to follow the trail of water.

So she has now hired an attorney and may file a lawsuit. Oh please higher power of your choosing, let her sue. And I hope the judge rules in favor of the mall and bans her from the mall, hell, every mall. And I hope for good measure I hope the judge bans all of her offspring if she has any from every mall too. And I hope that the judge orders her and all of her family to have all of their reproductive body parts removed. AND never let her have a phone again. Not even a home phone. Hell, don’t let her have a cup and string. Just for good measure I hope the judge makes her donate all of their vehicles to a charity. And…give me a minute…oh I know, make her register or a society offender like a sex offender with a sign in her front yard and the whole nine yards.

**On a side note, I also think there should be a one-way gate around every Wal-Mart. Like a roach motel where stooges can get in but can’t get out.

So back to the lady from the fountain of stupid, she claims that she doesn’t walk and text and that this is the one time that she did, but won’t do it again….rrrriiiiggghhhttt.

This woman also claims that she could have walked into a car, a bus, a ditch or anything. So would she sue if she got humiliated while jaywalking?

How about people start taking responsibility for themselves and their own actions? Seems like people want a paycheck for being stupid.

I hope that they run this video on the jumbotron in Time Square and at the Superbowl on an endless loop.

You know how in “The Scarlet Letter” Hester Prynne had to wear a red upper case letter “A” to let everyone know that she was an adulterer? You guessed it, make this woman wear a great big red capital letter “I”. Maybe staple it to her forehead.

- Don’t get dead

Pure Genius

The other morning I was listening to some morning drive radio when the co-host of the show I was listening to started to talk about a visit to this “healer” called Braco (pronounced Bra-So) the Gazer. This guy supposedly has healing powers. And after a session with Braco people speak of indescribable feelings, almost euphoric.

Now to experience this, the cost is a reasonable eight dollars a person. I know, what a deal!

And get this, he does it by simply looking at you! Yeah, same thing I said.

So for eight bucks a pop this guy will walk into a room full of people, not say shit, look at you for a few minutes and then haul ass with your cash. That’s it! And they said that he sees up to ten THOUSAND people a day. An f’ing DAY!

This pisses me off so bad that I can hardly contain myself. And not because he is robbing people face to face, but because I didn’t think of it first!!

I don’t feel sorry for the suckers who got taken in by this AT ALL. They knew what he was about going into it, I mean my god he calls himself a gazer what did they think it was, a seminar? Which just proves that there is in fact a sucker born every minute.

Plus how sad are they that they get this “indescribable feeling” from simply being acknowledged! You are one sad sack mofo if someone simply realizing that you exist brings you such elation.

I got to find a way to get in on this sca…rack…ummm…talent! Yeah, that’s it, it’s a talent!

And ole Braco doesn’t get dressed up for these ripoff sessions, I mean “gazings” he wears some real spiffy stonewashed jeans and a button down shirt.

The genius part of this is that he doesn’t get sued because he quit talking back in 2009 AND doesn’t call himself a healer either, just a gazer. With no claims of healing, well at least not from him. So for all we know he could be some mental case mute with delayed fashion sense and a short attention span. Dammit, I would be perfect for this job!

So let’s do the math, eight bucks a head times up to ten thousand people a day is eighty thousand freaking dollars a day. And let’s say he works a four day work week, which is three hundred twenty thousand dollars a week. Let’s multiple that times forty-nine weeks a year, because I am sure he takes a few weeks of vacation a year (I mean you would have to after “working” that hard right?) comes out to one million five hundred sixty-eight thousand dollars a year, roughly. FOR FREAKING LOOKING AT PEOPLE!!!!!

Hang on, I am about to have a fit…

…Ok, I’m back.

So spread the word, my breath has been reported to heal and one breath can fill a room. Admission is a deal at only five dollars a person. My boogers and toenail clippings are even more magical and a bargain at ten dollars a piece while supplies last. Size and selection may vary.

-- Don’t get dead

The alarm on my phone didn’t go off

I have an iPhone that lays on my nightstand pretty much every night. And yesterday morning and this morning the alarm on it didn’t go off. And do you know why? Nope, not because of some glitch that Apple Inc overlooked. It didn’t go off because I didn’t set the alarm on it. You see right next to where I set my phone at night lives a nice little device called a freaking ALARM CLOCK and it works like a champ. Crazy idea I know but it works for me.

You see, the iPhone is an f’ing phone, not an alarm clock. Sure it has an alarm app on it but my car has seats in it but when company comes over I don’t make them sit in my car. My toilet has water in it but I don’t drink out of it. Maybe people should spend less time being cool and a little more time using the mashed potatoes between their ears.

Are people using their shoes as a meat tenderizer? The shoe can be used to pound a tough piece of steak so why not right? Anyone using the radiator in their car to make coffee?

Is there some sort of brainwashing that goes on with smart phones? Get off of your lazy ass and get the right tools for the job.

Having common sense, there’s no app for that

-- Don’t get dead

19, Seriously?!?!

So I am looking at the news online today and I see that this Jim Bob and Linda Lu, or whatever the hell her name is, Dugger have brought home their 19th kid. Dude, we got it, you like to screw, now knock it off!

You and your wife are assholes for bringing in 19 kids.

I understand that you want to win the annual flag football game at the family reunion but you don’t have to bring your own team, both offense and defense.

And you are really not helping out with the southern stereotype of barefoot and pregnant.

My guess is that they are secretly white supremacists and they are single handedly trying to keep the Caucasian race from ever being in the minority.

Someone please get me their address so that I can send them a Wii or a magazine subscription or something to keep them busy.

But you really are assholes, because you are screwing up these kids from the beginning. That poor little fucker that you just brought home will never have anything brand new, except for maybe a little brother or sister. Don’t you think that’s kind of shitty parenting? Hey, let’s have a bunch of kids and make them feel like they are not as important as the first couple. Let’s dress this one in those stylish double knit reversible polyester plaid slacks. You know its retro so it’s fashionable again. Even though the others had to wear them when they were just old clothes. You know at least three of them are going to end up in a bell tower with a deer rifle. Bang Bang, my daddy didn’t hug me enough (no shit, you know how long it takes to hug that many people, get in line son), bang bang, mom never gave me a coloring book that wasn’t already completely colored in, bang bang, daddy always forgot my name!!!

And when those kids get out of that house they will have no idea how to manage money and will buy every new thing that comes out and end up on welfare for the rest of us to take care of, simply because mom and dad wanted to be famous for doing the wild money dance more than anyone else. And you know sex for them isn’t fun anymore, its work. What do you want to bet that they got one of those punch in time clocks by their bed? Not like they are going to catch mom with some slutty outfit from Adam & Eve on while chasing a ball gagged Jim Bob with a bullwhip, screaming “Bad Senator, bad!” Nope, it’s do it and get it over with so that we can have Sally Struthers come and start an infomercial for us. For only 49 cents a day you can help feed a Dugger child.

And I am sure if they were interviewed they would say that they are happy. But the people in the former communist U.S.S.R. thought that they were happy too, until they found out that they didn’t have to wait in line for hours at a time to get toilet paper.

I bet these kids are all home schooled. Hell, they would have to because there is no way to get that many kids to school at one time. Getting them dressed for school would be next to impossible. Well I guess if they had their own bus, because it would be a bus full of them. So you know they are going to be social retards and won’t know how to act out on their own. And could you imagine 19 fuckers at the grocery store check out? Each of them bitching and moaning because they want candy or a drink and why does this one get to ride on the buggy, he rode on the buggy last time, I want to ride…. Oh dammit someone get me a shotgun!! I’m about to do society a favor.

Oh and could you imagine this bunch of assholes vacationing at the same place you where at the same time you where? Someone get me that Van der Sloot kid, O.J. and Robert Blake’s phone numbers pronto!!

I just think that these people really should knock off the knocking boots and think about other people. No one wants to be around this gaggle/heard/covey…whatever of people, ever, at all, under any circumstances.

Don’t even get me started on these people going trick or treating or Christmas shopping. Do you think that they are trying to have a birthday every day of the year or something?

While I’m on it, Octomom and Kate Gose..Gosl..Gosa…Kate and Eight, you knock that shit off too.

If I was the mom I would be afraid that the next time I got pregnant, and you know there is going to be a next time, that the kid would just fall out walking down the hall or if she sneezed. Damn woman, alone time is a good thing. I bet you can’t take a pee without an audience.

Look all that I am saying is that a woman’s birth canal should not look like a ride at Wet and Wild, that’s all.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Is this normal? It creeps me out.

Dear Sweezey,

My wife and daughter play with each other's titties. I think it's kinda weird.

- Creeped Out

Dear Creeped Out,

Any chance you got this on video? I mean, COMPLETELY normal, happens all the time on pay per view. How old is your daughter?

Did you double up on your stupid pills this morning? Do you really think there is a chance that it’s “normal”, well apparently it is at your house but most places might frown on it.

So how exactly do they play with each others? Are they hot? You might want to look into a video camera. I’m just saying it could be lucrative.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead