Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Pieces of Me

• People hate going to long road trips with me because how often I stop to fill up has a direct correlation to how much fluid I have consumed.
• Why can I wake up 5 minutes before my alarm goes off when I have an early morning tee time, but hit the snooze button over and over again like a Tommy Lee drum solo during the week to get up for work? Because I want to go play golf.
• Why don’t you ever see animal skin clothing/boots with bullet holes in them?
• If you look like you are pregnant, whether you are or not, and you wear skin tight shirts with a half sweater thingy, people are going to ask if you are pregnant. Just realize that when you get dressed.
• When someone tells me that they are going to do some tweaking, I am always disappointed when they don’t start twitching and jerking.
• Why is it that cleaning product companies can’t make a product that kills that last .01% of germs?
• If you shave your head to try to look like a bad ass, be sure to shave your back hair that is going North Korean on your neck. Otherwise you just look like a bad fat guy.
• Just to be clear; bald is a condition, shaved is a hair style.
• I should have named at least one of my kids Theodoucious J Badass. That or Bruce Lee Roy.
• Do you know what comes in brownies? Cub scouts
• How many Viet Nam vets does it take to change a light bulb? YOU DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!
• I overheard someone saying the other day that they were a vegetarian because they couldn’t eat another living thing. Don’t plants live?
• I made a new mixed drink. It’s a shot of tequila in a glass of Carona with 2oz of olive juice. It’s called a Dirty Mexican.
• I am working on a drink called the Kayne West but I can’t figure out how to get a donkey into a bottle.
• The other day I sneezed and farted at the same time. I thought I was deflating.
• I saw a midget in a store earlier. It took every ounce of my being to keep from chasing him yelling “Fe Fi Fo Fum”
• When a DJ says the band name “Hoobastank” I always think it’s Mush Mouth from the Fat Albert cartoons asking who farted.
Don’t get dead

Thursday, September 03, 2009

What’s been up with me

So it’s been a while since I last posted. And the post before that was a while back as well.

So what’s been up with me? I been freaking busy!

Haha, to give you a run down, I sold my house (full price in six days, thank you very much), packed and moved into a rental while I am building a new house, we had a kid a few months back. Baby #3, boy #2. And I changed jobs. Yep, in this time of economic uncertainty I changed jobs.

Speaking of getting a new job, I was reminded of an interview that I had right after I graduated from high school. To give you a little back ground, I grew up in a very small town, we are talking Mayberry here. And since it was such a small town everyone pretty much knew everyone. So there I am, recently graduated from high school, no job and not sure what I was going to do. Being the great parent that my mom was she pretty much pulled a few strings and got me an interview with a local company. The job was pretty much mine, I just had to go to the interview.

But here is the kicker, I didn’t want the job.

I don’t know why, but I just didn’t. But I was going to the interview for my mom. There I am in my suit and tie with my resume heading towards the interview. And I was simply dreading it. Then the little devil guy on my shoulder stopped by.

I get to the interview, check in with the receptionist and wait. When it’s my time I am greeted with a great big smile and a handshake. I hand my resume to the interviewing manager and our interview went a little something like this:

Interviewer: Have a seat

Me: Thanks

Interviewer: I appreciate you coming out on short notice.

Me: No problem, thanks for giving me an interview.

Interviewer: (looking over my resume) Um hmm, yes, so you just graduated from high school?

Me: Yes sir.

Interviewer: Very good. So are you going to go to college?

Me: Well, my plan is to go to school at night so that I can work during the day.

Interviewer: Excellent. So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: (with a straight face) Man, I didn’t kill those people. I wasn’t even there that night.

Interviewer: (jerked and almost threw my resume almost to the ceiling) What?!

Me: Oh, you didn’t know about that. Never mind. Like I said I just graduated and I plan to major in…..

The interview didn’t last much longer.

When I got home I told my mom that I think I nailed it and I was expecting a call any time now. For some reason they chose someone else. I wonder why?

Don’t get dead

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