Wednesday, November 01, 2006

How the times have changed

I have never been one to pay much attention to commercials but here lately I have started to take note of them.
Do you remember when we were kids and there was that commercial where the Indian (they were Indians back then, not "Native Americans") sitting on that horse and he was crying. At the time I just thought he was a big wuss or something, I didn't realize it was about littering or the "Give a hoot, don't pollute" commercials? And there were of course the Ginsu knives commercial where the guy would cut the can and then the tomato or the "Ancient Chinese Secret" calgon commercials.
Those were normal commercials, but the other day I was watching TV and this Cialis commercial came on. Man that's one disturbing commercial. Look kids, gramps got a boner again! And it may last for over four hours! Remember when you didn't want to sit on grandpas lap because his breath smelled funny, well this puts a whole new twist on it doesn't it? How about kids who don't want to sit on grandpa's lap for fear of being violated and the years and years of therapy that goes along with it. Well Thanksgiving is just going to be weird now isn't it. Going to be one hell of a family reunion.
Another one I saw was for this KY jelly that got hot when you use it. Now I am sure that the times have changed a bit but I remember what most guys wanted to use KY jelly for. And unless girls have changed A LOT, I don't remember any of them wanting that area to burn. Nothing like trying to explain why you have chemical burns to your proctologist. Who really thought this was a good idea? Must be the same guys who play the rodeo game where you call the girl you are with by either her sister or best friends name and see if you can stay on for 8 seconds. Because I got a good feeling about the time this product heats up you are going to get some movement that would closely resemble a seizure.
Ladies, here is a question for you, what is it about douche that makes you want to skip through a field of daisies? If your stuff is so bad that when it is clean you are giddy, you might want to clean more often, just an idea.
And is there some sort of wart outbreak or something? I have seen this commercial about 50 dozen times. I am glad that there is some way of freezing them off and all, but is it an epidemic or something? I just picture there is this colony of wart people somewhere.
Now radio commercials are no different. Ever hear the Trojan commercials? Right when the couple is about to get down to business a guy on a horse shows up and they don't freak out?! If that ever happened to me, I would be gone. Who is this couple that is ok with Dudley Do Right and his horse being there while you are about to let the good times roll?
Guess I need to watch the commercials more and see what I am missing.

"Committed to Excellence"

Have you ever noticed some of the quotes at the bottom of some e-mails and wonder what they were thinking when they put that on there? Not talking about stuff like "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Ben Franklin, that's just a cool quote. I am talking about when people put motivational or professional quotes at the bottom of their signature. Things like "Above and Beyond" or "Committed to Excellence" or "Your satisfaction is my priority". Well when in the fuck did my satisfaction become you sitting on your ass playing solitaire? Because that is pretty much all you do. I know, I have seen it. It would be different if it was a slow period or just happened every once and a while, but when it's habitual you really might want to consider removing your quote showing how hard of a worker you are.
Why don't people just put a signature that reflects them accurately. Maybe, they can't think of some, so I will help them out. Below are some of my examples of signature quotes that popped into my head when I have read the actual quotes from e-mails that I have received.
"Just here because it pays"
"If I was any lazier people would think I was in a coma"
"Who to call when "good enough" is still to much to ask for"
"The dumbest thing to ever walk to face of the earth"
"A Darwin Award in pants"
"Stupid is as I do"
"I sent an e-mail... yeah!!"
"What is my job again?"
"Customer Service, not my damn job!"
"Don't expect anything from me if it is even close to 5:00"
"I only work on days that don't end in y"
"You mean I can do more that check my hotmail with this machine?!?!?! COOL!"
"Equal opportunity applies to idiots too!"
"Still can't find the "any" key"
"I know a few buzz words and I am dying to say them!"
"Paying that girl to build my resume was so worth it"
"I work harder at getting out of work that most people do actually working"
"Not here to learn my job, why don't you do it for me"
"Low cut tops = don't have to do a damn thing"
"My motto is come in late, take a long lunch and leave early"
"This job is seriously getting in the way of my social life"
So if any of these examples seem to "Fit the Bill", please feel free to use them. You know, it simply amazes me to see people who hype themselves up when they are one step away from worthless. I am by no means saying that I am the be all, end all but I have actually had to work with some of these people and they just amaze me. These are the same people who have their work e-mail forward to their PDA (that they went out and bought on their own, not work related) for absolutely no reason. Usually listing out their work phone number, pager number, cell phone number, blackberry, home number, cell phone e-mail, personal e-mail, their mothers home address, next of kin, longitude and latitude coordinates of their house, neighbors phone number and so on in their signature as well, for absolutely no reason. I swear they must do it to impress their friends or something because there is no way in 500 hells that anyone has a need to get a hold of them when they are not at their desk. Same people who have business cards printed but never work with anyone who they would give them too. Also the same people who have to have something to say in each and every meeting, which usually has nothing to do with the topic, their job or even what the company does.
Is there some kind of government regulation that says every company has to hire a set number of morons?
Related Posts with Thumbnails