Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Recently I was talking with some friends who just had their first child a few months back and I was telling the husband how they don’t believe it now but their lives will change. He is one of these gadget guys who goes out and gets damn near every new electronic gadget just as soon as they come out. IPODs, HDTVs, Wii, BluRay, Playstation, X-Box, PSP, you name it. He has everything from the huge ass projector TV to the little bitty hand-held PSP that plays videos, the Iphone and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I love those kinds of things too, but I have kids. Which is what I was telling him, how those things will soon go by the way side. Well they may not go by the wayside but how the importance of them will.

I was telling him how I am just not going to drop tons of cash on an HDTV or Blu-Ray player right now for several reasons. One, the stuff that I let my kids watch don’t come in HD and if they did my kids wouldn’t know the difference or care. Two, I would probably pass out when one of my lovely children drew on my plasma TV screen with a marker or something like that. Three, my son is obsessed with putting crap into every free space that he can find. And four, right now, I would rather take the money that I could spend on a nice state of the art media set up and get the hell out of town for a while, sans youngens.

As our conversation continued I told him how the other day I had to fish some Ritz crackers out of a VCR (see reason three above) when he stopped me and said, “You still have a VCR?” To which I replied, “Dude, did you hear the fishing the Ritz crackers out part? That’s why I don’t have a Blu-Ray player right now. How pissed do you think I would be if I just dropped $700 on a Blu-Ray player (or what ever they cost) just for my son to see if it could play a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” So yeah, I am missing out on all of the joys of high definition right now but my kids are still breathing on their own and CPS hasn’t come to pay us a visit either, so that’s a good thing.

A few days after this conversation I went over to their house to find the husband sitting in the living room, right in front of his HD set up watching re-runs of “The Andy Griffith Show” on broadcast TV. Yeah, HD in black and white is killer!

Don’t get dead


Yesterday me and some of the fellas in the office where talking about inventions and whatnot. One of the guys said that most inventions where actually an accident and that the people where trying to invent something else. Like when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he was actually trying to make a hearing aid for his niece. As the conversation carried on I mention that scene from the movie “Cocktail” where they were talking about the guy who invented the little piece of plastic that goes on the end of your shoe strings and how that guy must be set. One of my co-workers and I came to the agreement that Plato is wrong, necessity isn’t the mother of invention laziness is. Think about it, would the car been invented if people didn’t get tired of walking or riding a horse everywhere? And with horses you had to either buy or catch them and then they might die on ya and you have to feed it and so on. F that! Same thing with the remote control, the cordless phone and so on. They were all invented because we got tired of having to get up and do something.

And then yesterday I get home and see an article on how some of most popular toys where created. According to this article, Play-Doh was originally created to clean walls. You would roll it on your walls to remove coal dust. And the slinky was invented by a naval engineer who was trying to invent a spring that would keep his instruments stable in choppy water.

So I got to thinking, what could I try to invent that would become a success or what could I invent by accident that could become a success? But two words kept popping into my head with every idea that I had, home explosion.

Back to the drawing board.

Don’t get dead

Saturday, March 28, 2009

ShamWow guy beats up hookers!

This may be the greatest thing that I have come across in a long time. The ShamWow guy, also know as Vince Shlomi, was arrested for smacking a ho around.

Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month for keeping his pimp hand strong in a South Beach hotel room.

Seems that he met Sasha Harris, a hooker, in a Miami night club and paid her a grand for some ass.

Two things kind of bother me about this. One is that ole Vinnie is on TV and has to get hookers to get his rocks off. And two, that he has a grand to blow on a whore.

You can check out the full story at thesmokinggun.com

Friday, March 27, 2009

Adventures of the young and stupid

I have an older brother. For those of you who don’t have an older brother, that means that I had many, many roles growing up. I was a crash test dummy, test pilot, experimentalist, test subject and so on. In other words I was Jim and my brother was Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. Ever notice how Jim had to do the crap jobs while Marlin never got out of the helicopter? But I digress. In other words, I was Pinky while my brother was The Brain. In other words, it sucked!

Not only is Attila older than me, he is six years older than me. So yeah, my childhood contained a lot of ducking & weaving, scraps & bruises and a lot of psychological torture. To this day I still can’t sleep with my feet uncovered *shiver*. And this adventure would be more of the same.

When I was just a wee lad of only six years of age I had a hand-me-down Tonka truck, the big yellow dump truck. And it was made of steel, like toys used to be made, so that they lasted. Just like most young boys we made ramps to jump stuff with on our bikes. Any board we could find we would make into a ramp. On this particular day we had a piece of plywood that was maybe two and a half feet by two feet, not a very big piece of wood at all. This was soon to be a launching pad.

As my luck would have it, the only thing we could find to prop up said Evil Knievel approved projectile starter kit was a pair of concrete cinder blocks that just happened to be concreted together. So with the plywood laid on these cinder blocks the ramp is at about a 75 degree angle, nothing dangerous about that right?

Now we got the ramp, we just need something to jump it with. Remember earlier I was talking about a steel Tonka truck and I was talking about my brother being older and remember how I was talking about being the crash test dummy, you doing the math yet?

It was at an early age that I realized that my brother should have a career in politics. You see like every politician, my brother can lie with the best of them. He was pretty convincing this time. He says “hey, why don’t you sit in the bed of the dump truck and I will push you over the ramp.” Yeah, even at six I knew this was a bad idea. I told him that I didn’t want to do that. That’s what I told him, what I was thinking was why don’t you go F yourself! After a few minutes of discussing it, which went something like “do it or I’ll kick your ass and you BETTER not tell Mom”, I decided to give it a try. That is with the promise of he would just push me to the top of the ramp and if I didn’t like it he would not make me jump it. Yeah, I knew what was coming too.

So I go and sit in the bed of this big yellow death trap, staring at my fate. I get the truck lined up at the base of the ramp and say to my brother “Remember you said you would not make me do it if I don’t like it”. No sooner had the words “like it” come out of my mouth and ZOOM! Houston, we are clear for take off. In some sort of freak Herculean effort my 12 year old brother flung me up the ramp launching me skyward.

Right about this time I realized that we were under a pecan tree with low limbs. Mid-flight I am trying to get as low as I can will still gaining altitude, like an airborne limbo contest. One good crack on the head by a tree limb later and I am making my final decent.

Let me paint the picture for you. I was a normal sized 6 year-old and if you remember the bed of those Tonka trucks is about a foot wide. So I am sort of sitting across the bed of this truck, or should I say WAS sitting across the bed of it. When I slammed onto the ground the momentum that my body had decided to fill any space that was available in the bed of the truck, in other words I was stuck in this truck.

Oh yeah, he thought it was hi-freaking-larious. I on the other hand, failed to see the humor in it at the time. To this day he wonders why I don’t trust him. I can’t wait until we get old, payback is going to be hell.

Don’t get dead

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The microwave

A few months ago we bought a new microwave, nothing special but it is a nice microwave. It’s a sweet over the cook top one that really gets food good and hot. And it’s got all of these bells and whistles like multiple timers, a light, rotating glass plate thing and so on. But it’s got something that makes me want to beat it with a frying pan. It has this little reminder beep that goes off every so many seconds after you have finished heating up something. THAT NEVER FUCKING QUITS! That is until you either hit “end” or open the microwave door. I am sure that as far as extras on appliances go, this is highly sought after in some houses, just not mine.

So if I am heating up something to eat and say making a drink or getting something out of the pantry it keeps reminding me that you plate full of lip smacking goodness is waiting on me. It’s almost taunting me. Beep, your food is ready stupid. Beep, hey moron, forget about something!? Beep, I didn’t heat this up for nothing you know, come and get it. Beep, it’s ready stupid, you going to eat this or not?

I just don’t see a need for this luxury. It’s not like I am going to forget that I am hungry. I have been eating all of my life, and to be quiet frank about it, I am pretty good at it. And after all of these years not only do I recognize what hunger feels like, I have even figured out a remedy. To freaking eat something. And I may be going out on a limb here, but I can still smell and most foods have an odor to them. Pretty sure that I can figure out that smell that smells like last nights dinner might actually be hot food!

Are there people who are not aware that they are hungry and actually need an audible reminder? That would rule! South Beach could suck it! The “I Forgot to Eat” diet would kick the crap out of it.

So dear wonderful box of stainless still awesomeness please shut up before I stick some Teflon where it doesn’t belong.

Don’t get dead

Let me hear from you again

So I asked the other day if you could go back in time and witness an event what would it be, and I really liked the answers. So today’s question is similar but a little bit different.

If you could go back and change one historic event, what would that be? I know it’s very “Back to the Futrue”ish but so be it.

Obviously for me it would be to keep my mom from getting cancer, but I don’t know that would be seen as “historic” by everyone. Or I could take a different route and say I would like to make it so that I could win the lottery, be a movie star (hey porn counts as movies), or be in the history books/famous in some fashion. But what fun would that be? So in the effort of fairness I have a non-personal answer.

I think I would like to keep Kennedy from getting shot. I would be really interested to see how the country would be different had he not been assassinated. What would happen with our economy then, what about international relations, how would our military be different, would we even still be here?

So what about you guys? What historic event would you change?

Don’t get dead

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Dear Sweezey - Question about divorce, and kids

Dear Sweezey,

The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.

- Decisions from the courts

Dear Decisions from the courts,

Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?

I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.

I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.

Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.

So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Let me hear from you

One of my favorite things to do is to ask hypothetical questions just to see how people answer. It’s just something that I find interesting. So with that said, let me hear from you in regards to this question. Leave a comment and if you want you can do it anonymously.

The question for today is

If you could go back in time and witness one historic event in person, what would it be?

Feel free to elaborate on it if you want.

Don’t get dead

***Edit - There are so many to choose from. It would be sweet to be there when early man discovered fire or invented the wheel, or when Ben Franklin discovered electricity, or Paul Reveres famous ride, or possibly to watch the Write Bros first flight, Columbus landing in the new world for the first time, the Mayflower landing on Plymouth Rock, Washington crossing the Delaware, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, maybe to be there when man landed on the moon. Hell, I would like to see what it was like the first time a person ate an oyster.

The thing that I would like to go back in time for the most is to be there when my mom died so that I could talk to her one more time and tell her that I love her one more time.

And if that doesn’t count, I guess I would like to be there the first time someone light a fart, that would be hilarious!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Deep Thoughts

Have you ever wondered if your mom kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?

Do you think that everyone who tries on a bathing suit really wears underwear when they try it on?

Sometimes I think that dogs are retarded for continuously wanting to smell asses.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you will be a mile away and will have their shoes.

Have you ever wondered how your girlfriend got to be so good in bed?

Sometimes I think that I will go out and do random acts of kindness for my fellow man. Then I think fuck him, I got bills to pay.

There is always one weirdo on a bus, look around. If you can't find him, it's you.

Is anyone really fooled by calling “AA”, “Al Anon”?

I like to play a little game in my mind when I watch children play. It's called "Whose Going to be the Convict"

My grandfather once told me that the difference between a good man and a great man is a couple of consonants and a couple of vowels, but he was batshit crazy so what does he know.

If you play country music backwards do you get the wife, dog and farm back?

Is beauty still in the eye if the beholder is blind?

Do cannibals think that clowns taste funny?

Don’t get dead

86 Rules of boozing

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dear Sweezey - Why chivalry is dead

Dear Sweezey,

So this woman in a store is frantic because she lost her billfold, so I went to find the manger while she continued to look around. It had been turned in up front and I pointed her out to the manager. No big deal. I only took a moment out of my day to do the right thing and without me she would have gotten it back anyway. But then she brushed right past me without a word, then later nearly ran me over in the parking lot. So she was in a hurry. Aren't we all? I have no sense of entitlement, but geeze, not even a thank you. The luxury sports car with vanity plates and the fact that her ass is as wide as my kitchen table may be an indication of what she is, hmm?

- Paula

Dear Paula,

Chivalry is defined as the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.

And you say that you “have no sense of entitlement”. Entitlement is defined as the act of entitling. To save you some time, entitling means to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.

Now you claim that you have no sense of entitlement yet you felt compelled to write and bitch about some other dame not bowing down to kiss your ass when even you yourself said that she would have gotten her billfold back anyway. And then you go on to belittle this woman. What a bitch.

Even think that maybe she was “frantic” because she had been looking for her billfold for so long that it made her late to pick up her 9 year old son from soccer practice and that there would be no one there to stay with her son and that the little boy and that there was a child molesting maniac who likes to hang out by the soccer fields? Yeah, how dare she want to keep that poor 9 year old little boy safe and sound instead of bending over backwards to tell you what a fantastic person you are for doing next to nothing.

So tell me what does a luxury sports car, vanity plates and as you say an ass as wide as your kitchen table indicate? It sounds to me like it indicates that she has some money. Is that what pisses you off? That her life is good and that yours sucks and that you are pissed off because of all of the bad choices you have and continue to make? Since I am a gambling man, I am willing to bet that she is MUCH more attractive than you are and that is the reason that you feel the need to lash out and the only think you can, her ass. And I will double up my bet that the only person who thinks that she almost ran you over in the parking lot is you.

You need meds, seriously, you know happy pills.

So if chivalry is dead you are an accomplice to murder.

- Sweezey

Email for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Dear Sweezey Prostitution/Dating

Dear Sweezey,

I see a Women I think she is sexy,attractive etc: as a single man I ask her out knowing I want to have Sex with her 7 she knows she wants the same. So we go to dinner,movies etc: I might spend hundreds of dollars before we have sex & I might not all women are different in that way but they to want the sex...............................I see a Pic & info on a web site of a attractive sexy women up front I know for $100 I can have sex immediatly is there really that much difference ...........between the women I have to spend money on or the women I just give it to! Just a thought??

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The difference is that the hookers you are looking at online will do anyone or anything with the cash. And the girls who you take to dinner and so on won’t have sex with a illiterate moron like yourself in fear that one of your retarded super sperm actually reaching their egg.

I hope that they talk you into taking them to the best places in town and that they are some how able to keep stringing you along long enough to spend every penny you have on them.

Maybe if you took the time and effort that you are spending on trying to get laid and focused it on making a better person out of yourself your luck might change. Apparently you are not graced with rugged good lucks or personality, at all, in the very least.

Try letting the big head do the thinking for a while, we got more than enough idiots in this world already.

- Sweezey

Email me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Even more things that I wonder about

• Do you think that John Wayne Bobbit goes around half cocked?

• Do rabbits dream about being chased by dogs?

• Why don’t the women on the reality TV show “Survivor” ever have hairy arm pits or legs when they are supposed to be stranded on this island for weeks at a time?

• Why don’t buses have seat belts?

• Is there such a thing as slow sand?

• If clouds are moisture and moisture is water and if air is lighter than water, how do clouds stay up in the sky?

• Do muu muus come in different sizes, and if so why?

• Shouldn’t a tooth brush be called a teeth brush?

• If heat rises, why are the upper atmospheres cold?

• Why is there no extra medium size?

• If you can be both overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?

• If baseball is the great American pastime, what is the lesser American pastime.

• A stitch in time saves nine what?

• Why are flowers so hard to keep alive and weeds so hard to kill? Wouldn’t it be easier if it was the other way around?

Don’t get dead

Sunday, March 08, 2009

To set the record straight

Women, this is for you. And while I can appreciate and admire confidence in a woman, just because you squatted out a kid does NOT instantly make you a milf. I have seen blogs where women consider themselves to be hot and call themselves milfs. While some one dude will F you, don’t mean that most men would. Just means that you found someone more hard up for sex than you.

So while “technically” you could be considered a milf by one dude, don’t go out and sell yourself as one. You are making yourself look idiotic and ruining the good reputation of the true milf.

Same thing for you old chicks who think you are a cougar. If you don’t have a large number of average or above looking guys (societies standards on looks, not yours) hitting you on, you are not a milf or a cougar or whatever.

And to touch base on something that I wrote about a while back, low cut tops aren’t for everyone. If you got big boobs, that’s great. But if your boobs get caught in your belt, I don’t want to see them. I damn sure don’t want to see them if they have stretch marks on them. Just remember that some of us may have just eaten.

While we are on the low cut tops thing, if you do wear a low cut top you damn sure better not get pissed if you catch some dude looking at your boobs. If he was there with his dork out he would expect you to look. And you didn’t wear that shirt so that you wouldn’t get seen. We both know that you wore it on purpose, ease up and let them look.

Now if you do have a nice body and want to show it off that’s great. But if you had any sort of surgery to get said body (which I got no problem with at all!!) don’t give health/food advice to anyone. Pot meet kettle if you know where I am coming from.

Again, love confidence hate ignorance. Learn the difference.

Oh and if you are fat, work with what you got. I know that “fashion experts” say that black makes you look slimmer but it does not make you look slim. There is only so much that a color can do for you. If you are a big girl and you dress in all black all the time you don’t look slim, you look like night time.

Don’t get dead

Friday, March 06, 2009

Missed the mark on this one

Just like everyone else we are trying to save money where we can. So we decided to try these energy efficient light bulbs in our house where we had a couple of burned out bulbs. You know the lights that I am talking about, they have the little, white, squiggly tube in them, in our case it was incased in a flood light casing.

The idea behind them is that they use less electricity, pretty simple concept to follow. But what they don’t tell you about is how they take forever to light up. I know it’s a crazy idea but I really have gotten used to being able to flip a switch and the light actually coming on.

So the savings in per hour that these bulbs are going to save me is really costing me more money because instead of being able to flip on the lights in my kitchen, look in the pantry and find what I want, I have to flip on the lights switch and then come back in an hour when there is actually light. Let’s see, save 3 cents an hour on these ridiculously high priced light bulbs but have it actually have to be on for an hour to be able to see OR flip a switch get what I need and go at 3 cents more per hour.

So I pay more for the light bulbs and have to have them on longer so that I can actually see? Screw the environment, it is about to put me in the poor house!

Oh and this is my 300th post, go me!

Don’t get dead

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Milk bath

A woman is talking to some of her girlfriends when she ask one of them how she gets her skin so soft, the friend says that once a week she takes a bath in milk.

Figuring what did she have to lose the woman leaves a note for the milkman that she needs 15 gallons of milk the next day. Thinking that she meant 1.5 gallons the milkman leaves her a gallon and a half.

The next day the lady sees the gallon and a half and decides to tell the milkman what she wants so that there are no misunderstandings.

When she sees the milk man coming down the street she goes out to speak with him. As he is approaching her door she asks him, "hey, what happened, I left you a note that says I wanted 15 gallons of milk and you left me a gallon and a half?" The milkman explains that he misunderstood and says that he will make sure that she gets 15 gallons the next day. But then ask the lady why does she need so much milk. The lady tells him that she wants to bath in it. So the milkman asks, "Do you want it pasteurised?" to which the lady replied "Nah, just up to the top of my boobs"

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - My standards must be SO high

Dear Sweezey,

Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!

Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!

If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.

And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.

- Seriously

Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,

First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?

You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.

So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?

Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*

The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.

You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.

Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Dear Sweezey - I want to sell my kidneys!!!!

Dear Sweezey,

I want to sell my kidneys. Can I get money for one of my kidneys?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’ll give you a dollar for one or $20 for the set, but only if you take them out yourself.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweeezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Monday, March 02, 2009

Dear Sweezey - hmmmm..

Dear Sweezey,

How is it that you can give a 16 paragraph dissertation on Dora the Explorer and a 2 sentence answer to the poor "porn" girl.....?

Just Curious!

Dear Just Curious!

There are many many reasons. You see "porn" girl never really asked me a question so I was trying to help her out as best I could with the limited information that I had. How was I to give specific answers to a general statement? I would have to examine every single piece of it. Might even have to bring some of it back to examine it more closely, it is my reputation that is on the line here.

And to really help, I would have to better know what he was looking at. I mean she did say that she was pretty, I have to verify this. What if she is oblivious to the fact that she looks like hell on toast? That would explain it all right there. Or what if he was looking at shit like midgets? That would mean that he is a freaky little fucker and she's not weird enough for him. You see it could be something on either side of the relationship. She might look like a troll’s turd or he might really be into some fetish stuff. Who knows?

Oh and even if you count the "Don't get dead" tag line as a paragraph it's only a 13 paragraph dissertation smart ass. Learn to count. But keep those e-mails coming!

- Sweezey

Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

It is all our fault and apparently nobody is immune.

My wife’s car has one of those rear entertainment centers. We thought it would be nice to have since when we bought it we knew we would take it on family trips and the bulk of the driving with the kids.

After a while the kids got used to the DVDs we had in the car and if they were good we told them that we would get them a new DVD. They really thought they were top dogs when they got a new DVD, so we started to use that as a reward system. Then one day I was noticing that the kids would laugh during the DVD when it sounded like nothing was happening. Then it hit me, we never actually watched the DVDs. For all we knew it could be some of the most graphic and vulgar things known to man as the video with a nice kids show audio track and we would not have known the difference.

So I have decided that maybe I should start to pay a little more attention to the things my kids watch, and most definitely the programming that I put on for them.

Take tonight for example. I was doing some work while my children where up in the play room and they where watching the ever popular kids show “Dora the Explorer”. I thought to myself “this is this is on Noggin, it’s part of the Nickelodeon family of channels, it’s got to be safe”, but I was wrong. It was filled with all kinds of insane things that seemed cute and maybe even harmless on the surface.

For those of you who don’t know, Dora is this little Hispanic girl with a football shaped head. And that’s about the most sane thing about this show. Dora has a talking monkey that wears shoes as her friend. In the episode tonight, Dora was talking with her grandmother and her grandmother was telling her about making some chocolate treat. And she told Dora that the chocolate grew on a tree and that this tree was her friend and that the tree gave her hugs when she was sad. WTF?!?! And this tree sings with her, yeah the tree sings.

So Dora decides that she is going to go find said singing tree, but she has to check her map to find out how to get there. But for some reason she can’t check the map, you have to check the map and tell her how to get there. Oh and the map talks. Anyone else think that the creators of this show are constantly on an acid trip? Well the map says that to get to this magical chocolate tree that you need to go through the jungle and then to a cave. Say what?!?!

While un-chaperoned laces out and her talking monkey are in the jungle she comes up to a toucan who tells her that there are snapping turtles, snakes and a crocodile in the jungle and that these animals wont let her pass unless she feeds them cookies. Let’s think about this shall we, teaching kids to hand feed wild and dangerous animals. Yeah, I can see why this show is wildly popular.

So maybe feeding turtles isn’t a big deal. And the snakes, while not a bright idea still could be done with some distance and you might be safe. But a fucking crocodile!! Come on.

Then after jungle it’s off to the cave, but not just any cave, oh no no no, it’s a fucking bear cave. Sure, let’s teach our children to go to bear caves. Makes perfect sense to me! The monkey asked what happens if they meet the bear and Dora advised him that they “would have to be very careful”, ya think? Then the monkey and ole football head meet up with a talking iguana, sure it happens all the time. But the iguana tells them that they just have to sing to the bear to put it to sleep. I know that is what they tell you to do in wilderness survival school, to sing and to do so loudly! You know, draw lots of attention to yourself. And they where wondering where the bear was when they got to its cave, almost like they were disappointed because the bear wasn’t there. Of course the bear comes while they are at the cave and they sing it to sleep… yeah.

One of the other episodes had a water skiing bull. In the same show the talking map sent extra point head along with the pronouncing primate to “Pirate Island” where they had to sing and dance for trees so that the trees would let them by. Who sends a kid, even with a monkey to any place called “Pirate Island”?

Oh and don’t forget about the talking backpack and the stealing (and talking, apparently everything talks in this show) fox.

No wonder that the younger generations are fucking stupid. Look at what is (was in our case) entertaining them. Just remember that these are the people who are going to be taking care of us when we get old. You know, WE ARE SCREWED!

Don’t get dead

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Dear Sweezey - Porn

Dear Sweezey,

my boyfriend of 4 years gets high and spends several hours a week looking at nude pics of women and porn...and he has a massive collection of pics and videos from the internet...i'm a pretty woman and we have a great sex life... it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like i can never measure up.

curious cindy

Dear Curious Cindy,

You say he has a massive collection huh... hmm, not sure that I can help without examining his collection. I may have to come over and examine it to be able to properly advise you.

- Sweezey

Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead
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