Sunday, September 30, 2007

Side effects may result in …

While watching some of the games today I see different commercials for various products but one thing really caught my eye, the side effects of the medicines. To me the side effects are worse than some of the things they cure.

For example there is a product called Flowmax. Right off you can tell what it does. But it is to help with “male urinary symptoms due to BPH”. And I am sure that is bad, but check out the side effects. This is straight from their website which the announcer says in the commercial, “Common side effects of FLOMAX are runny nose, dizziness and decrease in semen.” Uh, no we wont be taking this product at all. But if that wasn’t bad enough they go on to tell you “A sudden decrease in blood pressure may occur upon standing, rarely resulting in fainting.” Excuse me, but I could pass out if I take this med, shit, I would rather sit to pee or what ever you got to do if you have “male urinary symptoms due to BPH”. And if that wasn’t bad enough the go even on with “So when starting FLOMAX, avoid situations where injury could result.” Do you really have to be on anything for this to apply? If I am not mistaken, that is pretty much an every day practice for everyone. But if that wasn’t enough for you they also want you to know “If considering cataract surgery, tell your eye surgeon you have taken FLOMAX capsules.” So I can either pee or go blind? What isle are the Depends on?

Then there is Flonase, sorry to get stuck on the “Flo” meds, but this is a nasal decongestant. You spray this product up your nose to open it up for breathing. Let’s take a look at their side effects shall we. From their site “If side effects occur, they are generally mild and may include headache, nosebleed, or sore throat.” Nosebleed? What is in this shit and why would I put to spray it in my head? Good lord.

I just heard another one, it is for a product called Avodart. Avodart is used to treat enlarging prostate. If you are brave enough to take it that is. The side effects say “Women and children should not take AVODART. Women who are or could become pregnant should not handle AVODART due to the potential risk of a specific birth defect.” Wait, they can’t even TOUCH it because it could cause birth defects. Dayum, that is some powerful shit. They continue on with “Do not donate blood until at least 6 months after stopping AVODART. Tell your doctor if you have liver disease. AVODART may not be right for you.” Might not be right for you, is that a nice way to say you might wake up dead? “Possible side effects, including sexual side effects” stop right there, no way in hell would I take this medicine with that kind of risk. I am surprised they sell any at all. But they continue with “and swelling or tenderness of the breast, occur infrequently.”

Now let’s check out Nexium. The purple pill people. Of course I thought this was an erectile dysfunction medicine but it’s actually for heartburn and acid reflux. They list their side effects as “Side effects with NEXIUM include headache, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Symptom relief does not rule out other serious stomach conditions.” Hmm, let me weight this right, diarrhea or heartburn, hmm, throat burns or my ass burns, tough call. Don’t forget about the possibility of “abdominal pain”!

But I think the one that scares me the most has got to be Topamax. This is a headache medicine, migraines specifically. Side effects for this bad boy list “Serious risks associated with TOPAMAX include lowered bicarbonate levels in the blood resulting in an increase in the acidity of the blood (metabolic acidosis). Symptoms could include hyperventilation (rapid, deep breathing), tiredness, loss of appetite, irregular heartbeat or changes in the level of alertness.” Does that sound like a stroke to anyone else? And if that wasn’t bad enough let’s continue on with “Chronic, untreated metabolic acidosis may increase the risk for kidney stones or bone disease.” Maybe I have never had a migraine, but how bad must a headache be to risk kidney stones or bone disease? Shit, just give me a bottle of Jack and I will be passed out shortly and the headache wont matter and I don’t have to piss a rock. But wait, there’s more! They follow that up with “Other serious risks include decreased sweating, increased body temperature, kidney stones, sleepiness, dizziness, confusion, difficulty concentrating, and increased eye pressure (glaucoma).” Umm, isn’t sweating how your body is designed to naturally cool you off? So you can’t sweat AND your body temperature could go up. Would you just burst like Tupperware in the microwave? But they are looking out for you, they tell you to “Call your doctor immediately if you have any decrease in vision or eye pain. These problems can lead to blindness if not treated right away.” So let’s think about this, if you can’t see, go thumbing through the yellow pages to look up your doctors number, oh and good luck dialing that phone! But if those aren’t enough, they still continue with “More common side effects are tingling in arms and legs, loss of appetite, tiredness, nausea, diarrhea, taste change and weight loss.” Why does everything have to give you diarrhea? I swear all of these medicines must be manufactured by the Depends people. Think they have a guy on the inside who pours castor oil into all of the products?

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Vegas Baby!

Our little vacation group decided that we wanted to go to Vegas a few years back for our summer vacation. The week of the Fourth of July to be exact. So we go and book our rooms and rental car, buy plane tickets and all of that good stuff. When the trip finally got there we all somehow ended up in Dallas at the same time so we all went to the airport together and were on the same flight out. We go through the whole deal at the airport, check our bags and wait for our flight. So far so good. Damnit, I bet I just did it again. So the plane gets there and there is hardly anyone getting off so we get to board rather quickly. Everyone gets on and gets seated. The captain makes the usual announcements and the flight crew does their thing. At this point I go to turn on my vent to get a little air moving because it was getting a bit stuffy in the plane. Where is the vent? Hmm, not on the ceiling, not in my pocket, wonder where it is. Oh that’s right this ancient plane didn’t have vents. Not like they didn’t work, there were none. So it is July in Dallas, going to Nevada with no vent. I didn’t know we booked a flight on Stinky Airlines. Fortunately, since it was a morning flight it didn’t get too bad. But I am guessing that plane must get ripe about 4 in the afternoon.

So we land in Vegas, get our baggage and make our way to the car rental place. I notice about two or three people ahead of us is a lady with three single digit aged children. When it is her turn at the desk she gives them all of her information and after a reasonable amount of time she is done and they tell her that her car is being pulled up front for her. Right about the time we get to the desk the lady comes back in and politely ask if she can speak to the rental agent for a second. Since she was nice about it and had three young children with her, I had no problem letting her go ahead of me. She politely tells the desk agent that she is going to need another car and that there is something wrong with the back seat of the one she got. The desk agent got an attitude with her and says “all of these people want their cars too” and motions to the line with her hand. This would be when the lady spoke up and said “You don’t understand, there is a jagged piece of metal sticking through the seat and into my sons back. I suggest you get me a different car now or I can call your corporate office and let them know about you and your service, what do you think about that?!” I don’t even know that woman but she made a tear come to my eye, I am so proud of her. She gets her car and shortly afterwards we get our car and are on our way.

It is about ten in the morning on a Sunday morning and we are on the strip making our way to the hotels when this woman who is way past hammered falls INTO traffic in front of us. I knew there was a lot of magic in Vegas but I am so glad I didn’t see the trick where this woman’s head gets turned into a pancake.

We drop off our friends and make our way to our hotel where a bellhop grabs our bags out of the trunk and a valet parks the car. Man I love Vegas. We get to the desk to check in when the girl behind the counter lets us know that our room is not ready yet. I was a little pissed but it was not a big deal. I asked her how long did she think it would be and she told me that they were cleaning it now and it might be twenty to thirty minutes. She also mentions that we could go check out the shops or the casinos. I ask her what are we supposed to do with our bags and she tells us that we can keep them in their secure room until our room is ready. Well off to the casino we go! About forty-five minutes later we come back to the desk and find out that the room isn’t ready yet. Back to shopping and the casino we go. After about thirty more minutes we go back to the desk and find out that the damn room still isn’t ready. Ok, this is BS. We go exploring some more and get back to the desk about a half hour later and the room still isn’t ready. This is when I asked them how long does it take to clean a room. This is when they realized that I had been there about two hours trying to check in. Well our room wasn’t ready but one of the upgraded suites was. Free upgrade, nice.

We get into our room and I call my buddy to see if they wanted to hit the strip. When we met up with them my buddies wife asked how our room was and we told them our little story and then we asked about theirs. My buddies wife shoots him a look so I know this is going to be good. She tells us that when they got into their room that it smelled like body order. So she tells my friend to go tell the front desk and see what they can do about it. He goes to the front desk and tells them that their room stinks and then heads to the casino for a drink. While he is gone the wife decides to take a bath. During her nice relaxing bath she hears the door to the room open and close. After a couple of seconds she calls out her husbands name, a few seconds later she hears the door open and close again. Again she calls out her husbands name and gets no response. She tells us that then she gets out of the bath, puts on a robe and heads out into the room to find that there was no one there. But she did notice that the room now smelled like someone walked around in the room spraying a bottle of Dakar cologne. Shortly after this my buddy gets back to his hotel room. His wife ask him if he came in and left again, to which he answers no then she ask him what the desk clerk said and he said “nothing”. He told her that the desk clerk said that they would send someone up to check it out. Of course she is pissed because he didn’t say anything to her about it and he don’t get why she is pissed.

The next day we all branch off into our own little groups and do our own thing during the day and meet up for a nice diner at night. Since we were there in July it was hot, dry hot or not, it was freaking hot. I believe it was 115 that day. There was even a news report where people were passing out while waiting in line to get into the Hoover Dam. So as we are going from hotel to hotel we develop quite a thirst. J Since I was doing the driving I had no alcohol and since my then girlfriend (now wife) was on vacation and I was driving she was getting her drink on. Long story, short version, in the course of the afternoon she has four forty-eight ounce mixed drinks. We get to diner and she is still conscious, woohoo! After we finish our meal the wives decide to go back to their rooms but the fellas wanted to ramble. So we take off and the girls go back to their rooms. We are just going from casino to casino. While we are in one casino my buddy is looking around like he is looking for someone, well he was. A waitress. He spots one and moves over to a slot machine that appears to be in her path. He sits down just about the time she is near and ask if he wants anything to drink. Of course he replies with “Yes” and give her is order. No sooner had she walked away that he stands up. A couple of minutes later he sits back down and the waitress brings him his drink. He takes a sip and says “thirty-five cents”. To which I reply with “what?” again he says “thirty-five cents, that’s how much this drink cost me”. Dude you really should be ashamed.

Several hours later, around four in the morning, we all come strolling back to our rooms where I find my wife, asleep in bed, well half of her was. She tried to get a bath when the booze kicked in and she could no longer stand. So she crawls to the bed and gets most of her torso onto the bed.

The next day comes and we are all hanging out doing our own thing. Later that night we are going into downtown Vegas to the Golden Nugget to see the Amazing Jonathan. That show was awesome! Totally worth it, if you get a chance go see him.

Day four and it is the same routine, we go and check out different things in the city, went to the dessert, gamble, shop and so on. That night we were going to eat at Emeril’s NOLA Steakhouse. Fantastic meal and we were served by the captain of the restaurant. That really was a nice treat. After that meal we go over to see Siegfried and Roy. I was a bit let down because the show started out really gay. Not that kind of gay, cheesy gay. Like one of their tricks they put a tiger in a cage, cover the cage with a cloth and from the other end of the stage they point at the cage. When the cloth drops the tiger is gone. How much did I pay for this bullshit? Anyway, after a while the show gets better, but the funny thing was when you order a drink from the waitress, they bring you two at a time. I am sure this is to save time and to keep from disturbing everyone going up and down the isles and so on. During the show, one of my buddies and his wife are sitting across the table from us. When the house lights come up after the show I see a Corona, a full Corona with the lime still in the top of the bottle at that. I jokingly motion to my buddy and say “free beer”. He does this yawn/stretch move and snatches the beer off of the table. I give him credit for the move when he begins to drink it. I don’t know what came over me but I busted out with “Dude! That guy could have been rubbing his pecker on that bottle!” Without missing a beat he says “Pecker taste gooooood”. Yeah, it took him a while to live that down.

Later that night, the better half and I decided to catch a show at like three o’clock in the morning, simply because you can do that in Vegas. On a recommendation from my now Mother-In-Law we went to see a synchronized swimming show called “Splash”. So we go to check it out. Time to set the scene for you, there is my girlfriend and myself and about 200 asian men in overcoats, in Vegas, in July. No other women there, hmmm, should this strike me as odd? NAH! So we get seated in what appears to have been the orchestra pit at one time. You know like right up front where the band would sit kind of thing. WTF? How am I going to be able to see a swimming show from this close up? Since we are in the pit there is this walk-way around us. For us to get to our seats they have to open this drawbridge thing on the walkway. Well I hope I don’t have to pee or anything since I am locked in now. So after a few minutes of sitting there confused, they start the show. It starts like a variety show with jugglers, a contortionist, a comic, and so on. Even had ice skaters. Where is the pool? I don’t get it, are they going to bring out a tank or something? Then comes the announcer, “Ladies (ladies? like plural?) and gentlemen , Splash After Dark proudly presents the Splash After Dark dancers”. Ahhh, they call them dancers, ok. Surely we are about to see the swimming. I don’t know why but for some reason I am hell-bent on seeing this show. Then I notice right behind the curtain is a row of showgirls with the big headdresses on. How are they going to swim in those? Then I notice they are topless. My mother-in-law rocks! LOL I turned to my girlfriend and say “I think we are at the wrong show” and motion to the girls. Right about this time the first girl in line reaches up and give her nipples are real nice hard pinch. Well, at least we know we are getting a top quality show. At this point I can’t WAIT to tell my mother in law about the show that she recommended. After boobapoloosa as we were leaving the hotel I asked the lady at the box office about the swimming show and she tells me that after nine o’clock Splash is a completely different show. Ya think!?

During the day on day six we do our thing. That night we are off to see Wayne Newton. Oh yeah, old school Vegas baby! Too bad Tom Jones wasn’t in town or we would have had the trifecta. The show was good but he really drove home that he was native American. He just happened to have mentioned it about 18,374,296 times. Wayne, we got it buddy, ok, we got it. But the best part of the whole show was right before the show was over my buddy spills a full beer … right in his lap. I don’t know what was funnier, that he spilled it and was pissed because it was a full beer or because it look like he wet his pants. The greatest part is that there was no hiding it. So as we were leaving the theater, and being the smart ass that I am, I announce “Wow, you really enjoyed the show huh!” Which of course draws attention to him. Ahh, sweet payback for just a small portion of stuff he has done to me.

So we all go back to their hotel, let them change close and then to our hotel so that we could change clothes and hit our casino for a bit. Me and my boy get tired of waiting and just tell the girls that we will meet them downstairs in the casino and head to the elevators. As we are getting off of the elevator and making our way to the casino we see this woman walking towards the elevators. Right after we pass her my buddy says “dude, hooker”. No kidding monkey brains. What was your first clue? Was it the perfume that you could smell before we could see her, or was it crystal clear F me pumps, or quite possibly was it the wink she gave us, or maybe the see thru mini dress? Any of that stuff tip you off? Ray Charles could see that she was a hooker.

Some times I worry about that boy.

I have to apologize in advance for this one

Today on the way back from lunch we got behind a car with a vanity plate. Let me start off by saying that I got nothing against vanity plates. I think some of them are kind of funny. But this one was a little different than anything I have seen before. We get behind this bright red Mazda RX-8 that not only had a personalized plate that read "BBW LVR" but he also had a plate ring that read "My wife is a hot big girl". WTF?

Is that supposed to be a compliment to his wife? "Honey, I love your fat ass!" And isn't hot big girl an oxymoron?

I got no problem with a little extra meat on the bone, but from what I understand BBWs are BIG girls, like real big. How is that "hot"?

And to each his own and beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all of that stuff, but is that something you really want to promote? Isn't that a fetish? I don't see other people promoting their fetishes. Never seen a plate or plate ring that promoted S&M, bondage, ATM, people who like to wear diapers (what ever the hell they are called), or Trannys or anything like that.

And how does that work? Is it the bigger they are the more that he is turned on?

And the kicker was this guy, from what I could see, looked like a bean pole. So you know they had look like the number 10 when they stood by each other. But he was driving a little coupe car that you know damn well his wife couldn't get into.

I wonder how all of this goes down. Most guys would go to a club to meet girls, does he hang out at buffets?

You know that his buddies have got to give him hell about it too. You know he is just sitting there in his cube when one of his buddies come to his desk and say "Dude, you got to check out this heifer in the lobby! She's got to be at least 600 pounds! Right up your alley."

Don't get me wrong, I am not making fun of overweight people hell, I am one. Just don't get the fascination.

Girls, here is a question for you, are any of you out there turned on by fat guys? Is it turned on or settled for, that might be a better question.

I am ALMOST curious as to what his wife looks like. I want to see what this guy thinks is "hot".

I have a friend of mine who thinks that Sandra Bernhard is sexy. I think he is out of his freaking mind.

I guess everything is bigger in Texas, even hot women.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Things that piss me off

This is not one of the myspace surveys, this are actual things that I have been thinking about that piss me off, hence the title. I am sure this will be an ever growing list.

- People who bitch about smoking. Okay so people bitching about smoking don’t really piss me off. I understand that it is unhealthy and that it smells. What pisses me off is this radio show that I was listening to on the way to work this morning. The host of the show was saying how he should be able to punch smokers in the head because they are “endangering” his life. Okay, I would have given him that IF he hadn’t earlier been talking about his new truck and laughing about the poor gas mileage it gets. I may not be sitting next to your tail pipe but I am breathing the air that you are polluting, you know endangering my life. The line to punch you in the head is going to be a long one and I am going to be right up front.

- Bad drivers. Not just bad drivers, well yeah all bad drivers, but for this I am talking specifically about the guy who has to get in the lane that I am in RIGHT NOW! Even though there are no cars behind me, he is coming into my lane and has to get over in front of me come hell or high water.

- Courtesy flush guy. I am appreciative that you are trying to cover your noxious emissions, but when you flush seventy-five times in the amount of time that it takes me to pee it becomes annoying. I want to kick the stall door in and whip your ass.

- While we are on the bathroom stuff, I drum my feet, it is like a habit. It pisses me off that now I have to be conscious of doing it because if I do it while I am in the can and someone sees it, I could be brought up on charges.

- People who are offended by proxy. How can you be offended by something that you didn’t hear or see or that was not said or happened to you? How can you be offended twice removed from the situation? I know this may come off as a shock to the easily offended, but people lie and they might lie to you. So if you didn’t see it or hear it you can’t be offended by it. So eat me. You are free to feel offended, happy now?

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Looking back, we will call this chapter 12

Bachelor Party

Ahh yes, several years back my buddy, who I got in all of my trouble with, got married. As customary we through him a bachelor party. I was already living in Texas at the time and although I was to be there a few days early because I was in the wedding, I would not have missed this party anyway.

Some of the details of the party are a bit sketchy, but that’s a sign of a good party right?

A couple of days before the party most of the bridal party rolled into town. On like Tuesday or Wednesday there was some sort of wrestling event in a town a couple of hours away and the groom wanted to go so we packed the cooler and headed out on a road trip. As pretty much SOP for this particular week, we got there with a buzz and begin to taunt the wrestlers, who could have snapped us in half without even breaking a sweat. Side note: we were on the front row and the smell of Bengay, Icy Hot and Tiger Balm was running rampant.

After we have our testosterone fix we head back to my buddy’s place. Where we pretty much walked in, found a place to fall and crashed there. This is until the next morning when the girls from the bridal party woke us.

Get this, they didn’t call to wake us, no no no, they drove over because they knew that a phone call wasn’t going to cut it. Not only did they drive over, they stopped and got us breakfast on the way. How rockin are these chicks? Oh and get this, they didn’t wake us because we had wedding stuff to do, nope they woke us because they knew we had a tee time and had been drinking the night before. Did I mention that my buddy married a damn good woman? It was like I won some kind of contest or something, strange chicks wakes us up, brings us food just so we wont miss our tee time, they are not bitching about anything, it doesn’t cost me anything AND I don’t have to do anything in return. Damn that was a good day.

So I guess that was Thursday. We played golf and drank too much, typical stuff.

The next day is the day of the bachelor party. We pretty much laid low all day. Then, came time for the party so we rolled over to my one of my buddy’s co-workers place, start drinking and wait for the “entertainment” to get there. No details to see here, guy code and all.

After the entertainment leaves we all sat around and fisted each other. Nah, just kidding!

We went to a hotel where we had rooms reserved, you know the whole can’t see each other before the ceremony thing. So there we are, groom, groomsmen, and some ushers hanging out in the grooms room doing typical stuff like asking him if he is nervous yet and what not. About this time the topic of sleeping arrangements came up, oh yeah I guess we better figure that out real quick. So we get everything figured out and decide that we better turn in soon because of the big day the next day when these two scrotum sacks decided that they still wanted to party. We all tell them that is not a good idea plus neither of them had a car there so if they did want to go somewhere they would have to walk and we were no where near town. They decide to hit the bars anyway … walking. This was good for me because they were supposed to be rooming with me. Happy trails mofos!

So they leave and the rest of us are shooting the breeze for a bit when one of the other groomsmen looks at the little brother of the groom, who happens to be the best man, and nonchalantly says “You know I am going to fuck you in the ass tonight, right?” The rest of us were cracking up, but for some reason the little brother didn’t find it so funny (wonder why) and says “That aint cool man, that aint cool.” Then he slides the bed over against the wall and slept there with his ass wedged into the corner all night.

When did homeless become fashionable?

There is a guy in my office who I am sure is on the cutting edge of fashion. He has the messy hair, never clean shaven but never has more than a five o’clock shadow (I would love to know how he pulls that off) and he has the really cool “notice me” frames for his glasses. But I want to buy his ass an iron and a mirror. Every day he is sporting a sport coat that looks like he found on the side of the road and his shirts must have been wadded up in the pocket of said sport coat. And his shirts are never tucked in, but really what would be the point. But when did lazy slob become fashion? I should embrace this “trend” so that I could get more sleep at night.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Looking back, what chapter or we on now? I think I lost place or skipped some ... anyway

The alter

Remember my stories about my friends in Virginia? Here is one I almost forgot.
It is back to southern Virginia we go. Why? Because it is the weekend, so it must be time to party.

We have one of our typical packed house Friday night parties along with way to much booze. Saturday morning we wake up around the crack of noon and pretty much come and go as we need during the day.

For some unknown reason I just felt like hanging out at my buddy’s house. And since he has always let me crash with him with no problems I thought I would do something nice for him and clean up his yard. It was a nice day, I think everyone has gone to do something and I didn’t just want to sit there.

So I go outside, start to pick up the big trash and put it in the trash can and clean up broken limbs off of trees and stuff like that. You get the picture.

For some reason I just looked up and took a look at the front of the house. And I see one spot where it looks like it has been egged or something over and over again. But nowhere else, just this one spot. Then I notice that there is a window right above the spot with no screen in it. What the hell?

So I go inside and make my way up to that room. I go over to the window and see that the screen is inside the house on the floor, there are several partially full glasses of water scattered on the floor near the window, and all of these pillows are stacked up on the floor in front of the window. What the hell?

The window was open so I leaned out and oh damn, this shit reeks! I close the window and go back downstairs and out to the front yard, get the water hose and try to hose this crap off the house.

Not to bad, it looks a little discolored still but much better than before. I put the water hose back up and don’t think anything else about it. Then I finish picking up the beer cans and empty ice bags and so on.

That night rolls around and we end up having another get together, shocking I know. During that party the guy who owns the house comes over to me while I am talking to this chic and says “hey, thanks for cleaning up the alter” to which I replied “yeah, no problem. Wait, what alter?” He says “You know, the alter, upstairs, but it is going to need it again tomorrow”. He then tells me that he has already cleaned up the inside because he didn’t know that the window was closed. Still not getting it I say “Alter? Alter to what?” He says “I don’t know, but that’s what I call it because I do a lot of praying up there at night when I am throwing up after drinking too much.

Lovely.

More looking back

Shortly after high school graduation a buddy of mine was dating a girl who lived in a town about 45 minutes away from where we lived. He ask me if I wanted to go on a blind date with one of his girlfriends friends. Why not right, what do I have to loose. Come to find out he was more interested in not making the drive by himself more than he was interested in setting me up. That’s the kind of people I hang out with, always thinking of others. So anyway, he talks me into it and we set it up for the following Friday night.

We get about 35 minutes into this trip when he looks over at me and says “Oh, don’t stare at her scar” and looks back at the road. Not wanting to make a scene I am thinking to myself “What?!?! What the fuck do you mean don’t stare at her scar?” Like I said, that was what I was thinking. Then he tells me that she was in a bad wreck where she hit the dash with her head and now has a big scar going across her forehead. Again, I don’t say anything but I am thinking “great, he set me up with Frankenstein”. The rest of the drive up I am trying to figure out a way to get the hell out of there just as soon as possible.

We finally get there and I am already ready to leave. He knocks on the door and this cute little brunette answers the door. Nice body, good sized boobs, nice face, nice dress and this little headband and so on. I am thinking that my buddy has done pretty well for himself. She tells us to come in but before we can I see another girl run by and I think to myself “whew, she looks pretty normal”.

We have a very casual conversation while we are waiting on the second girl to finish getting ready. Typical stuff, how was the drive up, did you have a good day and so on. Then the second girl walks up, apologizes for running late and we exchange hellos. As I tell her that it is nice to meet her when my buddy interjects and says oh no, she is my date, this is the girl you are going out with who answered the door. Then it was like one of those movies with the extreme close up. All I could see was this headband. Son-of-a-bitch! He wasn’t kidding. Now I have to make a conscious effort not to stare at the headband.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have never been accused of being quiet. But man I didn’t say five words on the way to dinner. I had this fear that she could ask me where I worked and all I would be able to say is “scar” or “Frankenstein” or something like that. Like I had turrets syndrome or something like that.

We make our way to this restaurant, get seated and give our drink orders when the girls said that they needed to be excused and that they would be right back. There are four of us sitting at this table where me and my buddy are sitting right across from each other and the girls would have been sitting across from each other also. So after the girls leave for the power room, my buddy leans over and our conversation went a little like this:
Him: So what do you think?
Me: Dude, what in the fuck is wrong with you?
Him: Me? What is wrong with you? You have not said three words all night.
Me: That’s because you set me up with goddamn Frankenstein! Like I am going to pour on the charm. And don’t you dare tell her where I live!
Him: HA HA HA! I forgot about that.
Me: Well, I didn’t!
Him: HA HA, When you didn’t freak out about it, I thought you didn’t fall for it.
About this time the girls are walking back from the bathroom when my buddy says “Hey, can you lift up that headband so he can see that you don’t have a scare that you are covering up.
Me: Dude, you’re a dickhead. I only thought that because you said it.
Him: Come on, show him.
Even though I told her not to worry about it she wanted to show me.
Me: Dude, if you weren’t my ride home I would haul right now.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Looking back, chapter 7

A buddy of mine’s grandfather is an old horse trader from way back. I don’t think he ever paid money for anything, just traded stuff for it. One time he was talking to someone about who knows what and the guy, knowing that the old man would take something in trade for it, tells him “I’ll give you a chicken for it”. Apparently it was around lunch time and the grandfather must have thought he was talking about food, like KFC or something. But what the guy was talking about is a real live fighting rooster that someone had given to him.

So my buddy and I go to his house after school and see this truck tool box. I ask my buddy what’s up with the truck box and he says that he doesn’t know. We begin to walk over to the box and we can hear something moving around in it. As we open it to see what is in it, this chicken jumps out and takes off down the driveway a bit. We just stand there and watch it for a minute when just wondering why there was a live chicken in a truck box in his driveway. Then something strange happens, my buddy says “I guess we need to get it back in the box” and squats down and begins to call the chicken. Mind you, we have no idea that this is a fighting rooster. So he calls the rooster and it turns and begins to run at him. It starts flapping its wings and looks like it might be flying a couple of inches off of the ground.

Nervously my buddy stands up wondering what this chicken is doing. And the chicken doesn’t break it’s stride. This chicken is running right at him. Then without slowing down, it, for the lack of a better word, climbs up my buddy and then down his back. Instantly my buddy doubles over. Then he slowly stands back up and I see all of these red specs showing up on his shirt and then I notice all of these little holes all over his shirt. Then he tells me “Sweezey, get that damn chicken!” I said “Holy shit dude, that chicken just kicked your ass. It literally it’s way up and down your ass!”

This really ticks my buddy off. He walks into his house and says that he will be right back. So I am just hanging out waiting for him and watching this chicken explore the area . My buddy comes back out with this aluminum baseball bat. Here is the scene, this guy is standing the in the driveway like Robin Ventura waiting on that Nolan Ryan fastball, then he starts calling the chicken again. “Here chick, chick, chick. Here chick, chick, chick.” Well it is the same song, but the second verse. Here comes this chicken, coming right at him again. My buddy swings for the fences and knocks this bird back about fifteen feet or so and the chicken SHAKES IT OFF.

Yeah, that’s right, he shook it off. The chicken gets back to his feet and shakes his head back and forth a few times and comes right back at us. This is when I decided that I am not going to mess with Robo-Chicken. So we both make a run for my car. As we are sitting in my car Superchicken jumps up on the hood.

Do you have any idea how stupid you feel sitting in your car so that a chicken wont “get you”?

Looking back, chapter 6

Remember getting a hotel room when you were in school and wanted to party but nobody was having one? And there were too many cops out? Oh like I am only one!

Yeah, those were good times. I can remember one time where this high class road side motel actually had a magic fingers bed. For some reason one of the guys with us REALLY wanted to lay on the bed while the magic fingers where on. I mean he was really adamant about it. So he drops a quarter in the box and nothing happens. He puts in another quarter and again nothing happens. Time to investigate why it is not working. Everyone knows that drinking and electricity mix oh so well. So here are eight to ten guys standing around a hotel room, drinking, with the lights and television on. Magic-fingers man finds the problem, the wires were cut and taped back together but has come apart again. So magic-fingers guy stands up and says "here is the problem" removes the tape and goes to reconnect the wires. It is at this time that there is this bright flash of light and a loud pop and everything in the room goes dark. From where I was standing I could see the silhouette of magic-fingers man. He says "oh shit" and hits the deck like we are being shot at. So this place is pitch black and we all start laughing and ask magic-fingers man why he dropped to the floor. A few minutes later the hotel manager knocks on the door and ask if everything is ok. Since we couldn't see the beer we weren't able to hide it. We tell him we are ok and he goes off to flip the breaker or something I guess. A couple of minutes later he comes back and ask us who all was staying in the room and so on. Then he asked us what happened. We told him that we wanted to see the magic fingers work then we noticed that the wires weren't connected. So he is going to fix it, apparently magic-fingers man had the wires crossed. The manager fixes it and the bed begins to work. He leaves and magic-fingers man gets his wish. So he is laying there and well, it got boring pretty quickly. But the bed just keeps going and going and going. It kept going so long that we got annoyed by it so we went to unplug it, but the plug was hot, real hot. Like to hot to touch hot. So we decided to just leave it alone. Magic-fingers man sits up and starts to rock back and forth like he is riding a mechanical bull. It is at this point that the bed breaks loose from the wall and begins to move around floor a bit. Kind of like the old electronic football games. Now this could be fun. A bunch of teenage boys drinking and riding a magic fingers bed around a hotel room. Oh man, that sounds real bad. Anyway we are all piled on the bed and shaking around a bit when it seems to be moving more than it has before. We are headed right for the TV. Haha, we are going to slowly crash into the TV. Hey, what is that burning smell? Oh shit! smoke is coming out from under the bed and the plastic on the plug cover is melting. Thankfully someone kicked the wires apart where they were taped together.

Looks like check out time is right about now!

Looking back chapter 5

The other day I got a sales paper in the mail that already had Halloween stuff in it. Which got me to thinking about making a trip out to Thrillvania (www.thrillvania.com). If you are ever in east Texas around Halloween, and like haunted houses, check it out. You will not be disappointed.

But this blog isn't about Thrillvania, it is about a haunted house that some friends and I went to while I lived in Tampa. You see, I have a friend named George who has this love/hate relationship with haunted houses. He loves going to them but he can't help freaking out while in them. You may hear more laughing than screaming when George is in a haunted house.

Any way, back to the story. We go to this haunted house that has the usual cast of characters: Dracula; Frankenstein; The Mummy; Wolfman; Freddy Kruger; Jason Voorhees; Leatherface; and so on. So you walk up to this haunted house and there is a guy dressed as Dracula laying in a coffin with the creepy organ music playing and a creepy guy giving a eulogy of sorts. After his little speech we are ushered past the coffin where I suspected the guy in the coffin to reach out or something. But nope, he just laid there. But what they did have was a guy dressed like Dracula hiding behind the coffin who jumped out at the crowd. You know, if they were smart, they would have sold new underwear in this place, they would have made a killing.

So the crowd scurries out of the room … except for George. George stands there like he is at attention leaning forward a bit screaming at the top of his lungs like he is trying to knock the guy over with his voice, frozen in fear.

We go through a couple more rooms and it is the usual stuff. Then we get to Frankenstein's Monster. You got the monster on this tilted table, pretty much with his feet on the floor, a Jacob's ladder is in the corner and the mad scientist in a white lab coat is running around behind this little half wall. Shortly after everyone is in the room this strobe light goes off and a smoke machine goes off and so on. Then the monster goes haywire and breaks through the half wall and the crowd runs down the hall. Except for George and I, George is crouched down hiding behind me and here comes good ole Frank. George and Frank are … well, basically dancing, around me like the keystone cops or something. Frankenstein reaches for George on one side, George ducks to the other side. Frank walks around the left side of me, George darts out to the right side of me. This kind of thing goes on for several seconds. The whole time George is screaming at the top of his lungs. I mean blood curdling, full of fear screaming. I, on the other hand, am laughing my ass off. Finally George sees his escape route, the door to the hallway, and makes a break for it. The guy playing Frankenstein shakes his head and cracks a grin. I give him a high five and go down the hall to catch the rest of the group.

I catch up to them and go through a few more rooms then we get to this bloody "crime scene" room, but there are no characters to be found. It would be at this point that everyone can hear George proclaim "Man this aint cool, this aint cool at all". Right after that you hear a chainsaw crank up and a guy dressed as Leatherface jumps out from behind a curtain and comes right at George. And George punches him. Yeah, right in the face. Fortunately the punch didn't connect very well and the guy was ok. So I rush George out of the room and give Leatherface a quick "sorry" and we catch back up to the rest of the group. I pull George aside and tell him that he has got to calm down and that they are not going to hurt him and he tells me he will try.
Then we get to the Wolfman. He is in a cage, thank god! Looks like all we have to do is walk along this path that goes on three sides of the cage. Worst thing that would happen is that he would reach out through the bars right? Wrong, as we soon found out some of the bars are made of rubber. So wolfie bends the bars like he is going to break out, this is when George decided that he was going to bend the bars back. It's just that the Wolfman's head, right shoulder and arm were already through the bars. George, true to form, is screaming at the top of his lungs and so in the Wolfman. The Wolfman is screaming "HEY, HEY, HEY! Let go of the bars kid! Let go!" Fortunately we were able to get George to let go and go through the doors which lead out of the house where the manager, owner, and some of the staff were waiting for us. Lovely. We hear "Hey you, come over here" Yeah this don't look good. George gets a little questioning, tells them that he was just scared. George gets a little lecture and we are on our way back to our car. George gets embarrassed when we tell it, but it is one hell of a story.

Sad Day

Jose and I had a friend from Honduras named Pablo. Pablo was a good dude who worked very hard to help support his mom and two sisters.

One day Jose and I were getting some beer on our way to a party. Jose goes into the store to get the beer while I was waiting in the car. He comes out of the store with this weird look on his face. I asked him was everything ok. In a somber voice he tells me that Pablo killed himself. "In the store!?" I replied. Jose says "No dumbass, last night" so I asked him how did he know. He said that our friend Chris was in the store and told him about it. He said that the saddest part was that Pablo only had $.75 to his name and since he couldn't read or write English very well his suicide note read "M - $.25 S1- $.25 S2 - $.25" meaning that he split his last money between his mom and his two sisters.

After a few minutes of disbelief I asked Jose if he knew how he did it. He chuckles and says that he that he ended up finally shooting himself. "Why are you laughing and what do you mean finally?" I asked. Jose says they found him on his bed with the gun still in his hand but the strange thing was that there were bumps all over his head. Then they found a slingshot and some rocks on the floor.

We busted out laughing our asses off. I mean that's a pretty damn funny picture. I can just see him sitting there with the slingshot up to his head with the rubber band part fully extended with a rock in it. Then WHAM! right into the head. Followed up by "This shit hurts man, give me the gun!" in his Hispanic accent. We felt like shit for joking about it and come to find out that Chris was just messing with Jose.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Jalapeno eating contest

Being from El Salvador, Jose is no stranger to eating spicy foods. One Cinco de Mayo we were at a Chi Chi's restaurant when they announced that they were going to have a jalapeno eating contest and the first place prize was a cruise for two. Jose entered the contest thinking that if he won, he could give the trip to his brother so that he would not have to pay to get his car fixed when he wrecked it. Pretty smart idea if you ask me.

So Jose enters and is eating peppers like we would eat potato chips. Round by round Jose is finding creative ways to eat them. One time he throws his head back, holds the pepper straight up at arms length slowly lowering it into his mouth. One round he throws one up in the air and catches it in his mouth. One round he eats one like Pac-Man and so on. Of course we were all drinking so even if they were hot he would be to drunk to care.

Eventually it gets down to Jose and one other dude and the other dude just quits. We can and can't believe that he won all at the same time. So Jose gets the cruise tickets and we get to thinking about this. You know he could really rack up if we planned this out. We could hit at least two or three bars depending on what time they are holding the contest and where they are located.

So the next Cinco de Mayo rolls around when Jose tells us that he has a secret weapon. He says that his sister's baby was teething a few weeks back and she was giving the baby Ora-Gel. So he thought he would put some on his tongue to combat the hot from the peppers because he was going to hit as many of these contest as he could. You know that sounds like a pretty good idea. So he puts the Ora-Gel on his tongue and we go into the restaurant.

Jose is standing up there with this humongous grin on his face. Round One! One pepper down and we get the thumbs up from Jose. Round two and Jose gets his pepper down but something is not right. Round three comes and Jose starts coughing, spits out the pepper and then slams a beer.

What?! Knocked out in the third round?! How did that happen? Oh, you know when you are eating that you will SWALLOW right after you chew. And if your tongue is COATED with a topical numbing agent you will swallow it and it will make the muscles in your throat numb, temporally paralyzing them, in turn causing you to choke on what ever you are trying to swallow.

The bad part is that we were drinking and cheering him on, just thinking he was being silly while he was chocking. Or as Jose put it "I was chocking to death and you bitches were laughing at me"

Can’t get there from here

One night I get a call from my friend Jose where he franticly is saying "Sweezey, I can't get home, I can't get home!"

I ask him "What do you mean you can't get home? Are you stuck somewhere? Are you trapped? Are you lost?"

He just keeps telling me "I can't get home Sweezey, I can't get home!"

So I keep asking him "What do you mean you can't get home? Where are you?" I am starting to get worried because he sounds panicked.

Again he says "I can't get to my apartment."

So I ask him "Are you in your car?" He says "Yes". I ask him if he is driving and he says "Yes". I then say "So you are lost?" and he said "no, I am near my apartment building". So I tell him that I don't understand why he can't get home then. He then tells me that he is driving in his car and he can see his apartment building but he can't get to it.

Wait a minute, you called me at 3am to tell me that you can see you apartment building but you just can't drive to it? What the fuck is wrong with you?

So I tell him "here is an idea dumbass, park your car and walk to your building".

Note to self: Just don't let Jose drive.

No Way Jose

As I have stated before, Jose is not used to the American way of doing things. He never had a car until he was brought to the U.S. Needless to say, his car was always torn up.

So he calls me one Saturday afternoon to see if I wanted to go hit some clubs that night, which of course I did and then he ask if I could pick him up. No problem. I roll over to his apartment and see his car and his brother's car was wrecked with some front end damage. I asked him what happened to his brother's car and he tells me "I wrecked it".

Even though I knew it was a bad idea at the time, I could not stop myself from asking "How did you wreck it?" He tells me that he was changing the radio station when he looked up and hit a bridge guard rail. I tell him that he should have called me because I could have saved him the towing charge. Then he tells me that he didn't have it towed. I knew that I should have just left it at that, but noooo, I had to inquire about it more. "What do you mean you didn't have it towed? The hood is stuck damn near straight up, the radiator is busted, and one of the front struts is either bent or broken. You didn't just leave it there for your brother to have towed did you?" He tells me no and that he drove it home. I say "What? How in the hell did you drive it home?" He tells me that he was tired and far from home so he just drove it like it was. He didn't even get out of the car. So I asked "How did you drive it with the hood up like that?" He tells me that he just backed up and then drove for a while looking through the space between the bottom of the hood and the dash until the smoke got so thick that he had to drive with his head hanging out of the window, like a dog. Said that he got the idea from Ace Ventura.

You have got to be kidding me.

Good Guys

I have a friend from El Salvador whose family was rescued by the Red Cross and is very proud to be in the states. But growing up in El Salvador he is not accustom to some of the things we are. One nigh while some friends, Jose and myself were out clubbing in Washington we jokingly started talking about going to a strip bar. Jose, who is always up for a good time and loves the girls, tells us that he has never been to one. Well now we must go! So we head to mid-town to a place called "Good Guys". I had not been to this place before but knew it had a reputation of being very popular and that it was totally nude.

We get there, park, and head to the door, get carded and welcomed in. No cover charge, sweet. We get in the club and head to the bar to get a beer and scout the place for an open table. There was more silicone in there than the Home Depot, which is fine with me. I order a beer and lay down a $20 bill. Bartender brings me my beer, but it is in a can, oh well. Then I look down where I had laid the $20 bill and see a $5 bill and five $1 bills. I nonchalantly look around to see if some of my change might have fallen off the bar, nope. I ask the bartender how much was the beer and he tells me "ten bucks". Ten bucks for a Miller Lite in a can?! Fuck that! Then he tells me that there is a two drink minimum. I wish I had known that before hand. A fella could go broke at these prices.

Anyway, we find a table and make our way over to it. And as usual, girls make there way over to us for chit chat. I look over and Jose is beet red and smiling like a rat eating cheese.

After a while, this one dancer is on the main stage who is very top heavy and Jose is just smitten with her. My boy like boobs, I am so proud of him *tear*. I tell him to go tip her. He asks me "What do I do?" So I tell him to walk up to the stage with your money out, let her dance for you for a minute and she will let you know when to give her the money. He walks over to the stage with this huge grin and since he is the only one at the stage and everyone in the bar could see that he really liked her, she danced in front of him a little longer that she probably would have if there were other guys there. She is dancing and shaking and bouncing then she sits on the stage, puts her legs in the air like she is trying to pick up UHF channels. About this time Jose looks back at the table and he is giggling like a school boy. So she stands up, turns facing away from us, bends over at the waist and shakes her butt at Jose. Jose's head jerks back like he just heard some shocking news when he just holds up the dollar and says "here". She pulls out her garter belt, he sticks the dollar in, and walks back to the table. But now he isn't even smiling. We asked him if he liked it and he said "it's okay". Okay!? How was it just okay?! He says "she winked at me" and we say "and that bothers you?" He then tells us that she didn't wink with her eye. This is when I spit my beer out in an effort to keep it from coming out of my nose. Oh, that's why his head jerked back. Poor guy.

Wrong place at the wrong time

Ever just think about something that makes you laugh out loud? This happens to me too, but usually in the wrong place at the wrong time. The other day I am sitting on the bowl, doing what you do when you sit on the bowl, and this obscure thought just pops into my head and I start laughing. And I can't stop. This wouldn't be a big deal but I was at work and I was not alone. There was some dude in the stall next to me. I just wonder what he was thinking. Here he is trying to do his business and some dude next to him thinks he is at the Improv. I can only imagine what he thought I was doing.

Kind of like being at a funeral and thinking about something funny that you and the deceased did once when you get the giggles. Nothing wrong with remembering, but don't start to laugh at a funeral.

Does this kind of thing happen to you too?

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Looking back, chapter 4

Remember the guy that lived in southern Virginia? Outhouse guy? Well we all got to be pretty good friends and we had some hellacious parties. The guy who lived there had a job where he had to drive all over the country in this huge crew cab truck pulling this big ass trailer, but was home on weekends.

This one cold winter weekend when we were down there we had a party where pretty much everyone in this little town under the age of 40 was there. As usually we were getting rowdy. As the night progressed and as people started to head home it ended up being the three of us and these three girls that we hung out with. The six of us are sitting around his kitchen table shooting the breeze and playing cards so bored that the home owner broke a cigar in half, lit each end and stuck the halves in his ears (lit end out), pinches his nose closed to see if he can blow smoke out of his ears. I have pictures of this part. About this time he says "Let's go for a ride." Works for me, lets mount up! We all pile into his work truck when he says "I want to show you what I like to do when I am bored" and we take off down the road. We end up on this street atop of this big ass hill when he says "hang on" and guns it. We start down this hill, reach bottom and then start up this smaller hill. We crest the top of the next hill with him screaming "GO! GO! GO!" Oh my god, we are airborne!

Right after we are land we hear this loud crash and we all lunge forward. Oh man, he forgot to unhook the trailer! Well all of the tires on the trailer are blown out but it looks like everything is still intact. We drag this trailer back to his house, drop it off and we off to jump the truck again. At this point we are giggling like five year olds. I am sure that the booze had something to do with that. We get back on top of the hill again and we take off down the hill again. Warp speed Mr. Sulu! We are going much faster now that we aren't pulling that big trailer.

This time we jump much farther. We do this over and over again. Get to the top of the hill, fly down the hill, land and start over all over again. Giggling the whole way (and drinking).

Let's do it again! "Alright!" we all say. He says "No hands this time". So here we are on top of this hill, the truck is in neutral with the gas pedal on the floor. He dumps it into drive and "here we go!" down the hill. As we start to go up the smaller hill he yells "HANDS UP!!" Let me describe the screen to you. There are six young "adults" in a crew cab truck, all of us with our hands in the air like we are on a roller coaster flying up this hill just as fast as we can possibly go with the driver holding the gas pedal to the floor like he is trying to push it through the floorboard. Each of us holding a beer between our legs and laughing our heads off on a very cold winter night about 4am. We all really do need our heads examined.

So we hit the top of the hill, ZOOM!! We are flying through the air again when the truck starts to lean to the passenger side. BAMM!! We landed hard. I say "Dude, if we are going to do this again we are going to need to swing by the house and get more beer."

We go back to his house to grab some beer and just happen to be on his back porch having a smoke when we see cops cruising the area with their blue lights and search lights on. For some reason we turned off all of the lights in the house and get down on the floor. Why we did this, I have no idea. Like they could see us through the walls or something. But we wanted to see what was going on so we go back to the porch and see the cops stopped in the street and looking at the marks on the road where we were landing.

Looks like a good time to pack it in and call it a night, right? Oh but no, homey with his infinite wisdom says "Let's go, they are gone now" Sorry homes, you are on your own with that one.

Looking back, chapter 3

I have a buddy of mine who was in the Marine Corps while I lived in northern Virginia. Over the years he was stationed in different places and ending up being stationed at Camp Lajune. As fate would have it, he knew a guy who he used to be in the Marines with who lived just about half way between where I lived and Camp Lajune. My buddy thought I could meet this guy and we could have a place for us to party and hang out. My buddy drives up to my place one Friday and we head down to this other guys place in his truck right after work.

Unknown to me, we are taking the "back way". The "back way" took us down some very rural roads. Some VERY RURAL roads. It is the middle of the winter, it is dark and I have no idea where we are. After quite some time of not seeing any signs of civilization, much less electricity, I jokingly say "I didn't know that you could actually drive to the middle of nowhere". My buddy, keying in on my concern of the lack of creature comforts let's me know that he advises going to the can in the day time if you have to take a dump. Since we are going to be there over the weekend, I ask him why. I mean if it was just over night I could hold it. He tells me that the wind at night will chill you to the bone in an out house. Haha, not this time, I am not falling for it.

After what seemed like several more hours of driving we start to see some lights and a little town. And we drove right through it.

I look at my friend and say "Dude, where in the fuck are we going? I am pretty sure we are going to run out of real estate soon." He tells me that we are a little over half way there.

Eventually, we pull into this little town. A town that is so small that it makes my home town look like a major metropolitan city.

As we are making our way to this guy's house my buddy starts messing with me telling me that this guy lives with his mom who is an alcoholic and how she likes younger guys and junk like that. I tell him "That's cool, I like older chicks and if I don't have to work hard to get some, even better" knowing that he is screwing with me. We turn onto the street the guy lives on and my buddy tells me "That is the house right there, beside the church." He pulls into the driveway and I tell him "Take me home", he says what? I say to him "Take me the fuck home!" He ask "Why?" and I point to the free standing carport at the end of the driveway. Sitting tucked back by some boxes is a nice, shiny, white … toilet. I say to him "Dude, that's not even close to an outhouse. There aren't even walls much less a door. You can suck it if you think I am staying here for the weekend. Take me home." I can just picture someone sitting there doing their business when church lets out one Sunday. Now I am starting to wonder how much he has exaggerated about this dudes mom. I look over and my buddy is laughing his ass off. Of course I start to chuckle and ask him "what?" He tells me that he forgot that he didn't tell me that this was an investment property that they are renovating and that the toilet in the carport is just a coincidence.

How does this happen to me?
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