I don’t know if this is genius or sad but with the energy drink epidemic someone has come out with a “relaxation” drink, yeah the anti energy drinks. Its catchy little name is “drank”.
So knowing how stupid most of our society is, will this be the new “thing” or is it the new Pepsi Clear/New Coke? I can see legions of morons drinking this to be cool. And where do most people want to be seen? In their cool cars. Yeah, think the developers thought this one out? Let’s see, a drink that makes you sleepy that you can pick up in a gas station for a long night of cruising. Someone was overflowing with foresight eh. Sure, let’s get behind the wheel and go to sleep.
I don’t know a hell of a lot of about the energy drinks other than from what I hear they taste like what I would guess a menstruating skunk’s ass would taste like. So what does this marvel of modern creation taste like? I am guessing that it is grape flavored because the whole damn thing is purple.
But wouldn’t it just make more sense to not drink something with caffeine or sugar in it if you needed to relax? Here’s a nutty idea, drink water or some booze (not while driving kiddos) or milk or something, just not a soda or coffee. Hell, don’t drink anything unless you are really thirsty. But do you really need to drink something to relax? That just doesn’t make sense to me. Won’t you just get tired on your own? And if you did drink this tallboy sized can of crap, I mean “relaxation” drink, wouldn’t you have to wake up to pee? Defeats the purpose of drinking this to relax if you are going to have to get up to make your bladder gladder?
And after checking out the website I see that they are a publicly traded company. I may have to look into investing in these guys because you know what they say about a fool and their money. Because there are dumbasses everywhere and they will probably buy this crap by the case. I just don’t understand…
Don’t get dead
Showing posts with label society. Show all posts
Showing posts with label society. Show all posts
Monday, April 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Dear Sweezey - The Whole Plunging Neckline on a XXXL Spaghetti Strap Tank Top Thing?
Dear Sweezey,
On Monday I was returning to Florida from Chicago. I am at the airport. It is 35 degrees outside and 3 inches of snow in April. It is windy and cold.
I am looking at a very overweight hispanic girl, maybe in her mid-twenties with a black tank top on. She has her hair done up like pom-poms on the top of her head. Her black jeans are way too tight and her waistband is folded over, under her gut. This is a very tight tank top. With a very plunging neckline. This very tight tank top has spaghetti straps. All I see is sweaty, untanned flesh and an amazingly large gap where the cleavage should be. Her boobs are spread apart and sagging, unsupported, braless and resting upon her rolls. I cannot quite distinguish where her boobs and her rolls are supposed to be separated. They are all flabby and resting upon themselves.
The fact she's out like this in 35 degrees is one thing, but out in public dressed like this is another. All this in itself is a little curious.
But she also has a pink bra strap sticking out off her shoulder, like, perpindicular to her arm. Obviously not supporting anything that should have been supported since she was eight years old. "Gross," I said out loud to nobody listening, "At least go fix that strap."
My plane is delayed and for an hour, and the heifer in the black tank top does not fix her bra strap. She doesn't fix her bra strap!
We board the plane and lo' n' behold guess who is on my flight and guess who cannot walk down the aisle without turning sideways? She is so big, she cannot walk straight down the aisle. With her tight ol' black tank top and plunging neckline she is whacking the sides of the poor people in the aisleway...
I can only say that I am glad I did not have an aisle seat. What if I didn't see her coming, and my mouth was open? All I saw were aisle-seated-men with grimaces on their faces as they dodged the oncoming blubber of flesh and boobage.
!WITH THE PINK STRAP STILL STICKING OUT HALFWAY DOWN HER ARM!
Please help me understand why a woman would do this?!
Living on the beach, I've begun to wonder why bikini manufacturers would actually market a flesh colored bikini in a size 14 or larger.
This just reinforces my confusion. Please help me. Gawd, I hope she's not related you.
This isn't something I can blog about on my blog because I only have a readership of 3 and one is my sister and one is my mom. Thanks for following me. It's nice to have someone to turn to.
Sincerely,
Thedadmandiaries
Dear Thedadmandiaries,
Sorry that I am late responding to this, every time I read the description I kept throwing up.
Did you read my post on MILFs? That is exactly what I am talking about. What has happened is that someone, even harder up than she is, told Senioretta Sasquach that she was either hot, sexy, fine, beautiful or whatever and she believed them.
And real quick, hell no she isn’t related to me.
Had to clear that up real quick. Now back to your questions, when you visibly can’t tell where the tits end and the gut begins it is obvious that there is a sever lack of self respect. Anyone who doesn’t respect themselves always has an attitude/perception problem with the rest of society. And if they don’t respect themselves they are not going to respect your senses, vision or any others. $100 says she was loud and smelled too. Plus she probably thought that the bra strap, low neck line and painted on jeans were “sexy”. And she thinks so because at least once in her past someone was nice to her and told her that she was sexy.
I firmly believe that it’s these hard up little F’ers who are fully to blame for this. They feed (pun intended) this nasty women what they want to hear and then these half tons of fun start to believe it. I know these dudes want to get laid but people in hell want ice water too. If these dudes would stay out of the chat rooms and gaming message boards and join the rest of normal society the world would be a better place. You see it is circular. Poindexter is on a mission to have sex at least once before he dies that he will tell any woman anything that she wants to her so that she will give him some. And desperation breeds persistency and changes your perception. Sort of like if you were starving a steak from the waffle house would taste fantastic, but if you were just a little hungry it would make you want to barf. Get what I mean? So here the geeks feed the freaks ego enough to cause the freaks to believe what the geeks tell them. If someone told you that you were the best at something and they told you over and over again, you would start to believe them. Look at professional athletes and the egos that they have. Same thing with Mount St Saggy. So now she thinks that she is hot and that she has to have hot girl attitude. A la the bra strap. She was teasing you with her sexiness.
Now onto the flesh colored bikini. It’s simple actually, the bikini makers know that they can charge a premium for the plus size bikini version of a normal bikini and they will get it too. It amazes me how backwards socity is, it is like pulling hens teeth to get the women you want to see nude out of their clothes and you can’t keep the ones you don’t want to see covered up enough.
I fully believe that there should be an exam for lots of things and clothing is one of them. Take bras for example, if you have to pour yourself or perform some sort of coordinated crane dance to get a bra on you should not be allowed to own, wear or borrow a sexy bra or a push up bra. If there is enough of an altitude change that your boobs experience a climate change, sorry no sexy undies for you! Its granny panties and those lunch lady bras from the Sears catalog. And you damn sure better not have a belly button ring!
Same goes for low cut tops, tight pants, and thongs. You should at least have to fill out some sort of form that has to be approved.
Don’t get dead
On Monday I was returning to Florida from Chicago. I am at the airport. It is 35 degrees outside and 3 inches of snow in April. It is windy and cold.
I am looking at a very overweight hispanic girl, maybe in her mid-twenties with a black tank top on. She has her hair done up like pom-poms on the top of her head. Her black jeans are way too tight and her waistband is folded over, under her gut. This is a very tight tank top. With a very plunging neckline. This very tight tank top has spaghetti straps. All I see is sweaty, untanned flesh and an amazingly large gap where the cleavage should be. Her boobs are spread apart and sagging, unsupported, braless and resting upon her rolls. I cannot quite distinguish where her boobs and her rolls are supposed to be separated. They are all flabby and resting upon themselves.
The fact she's out like this in 35 degrees is one thing, but out in public dressed like this is another. All this in itself is a little curious.
But she also has a pink bra strap sticking out off her shoulder, like, perpindicular to her arm. Obviously not supporting anything that should have been supported since she was eight years old. "Gross," I said out loud to nobody listening, "At least go fix that strap."
My plane is delayed and for an hour, and the heifer in the black tank top does not fix her bra strap. She doesn't fix her bra strap!
We board the plane and lo' n' behold guess who is on my flight and guess who cannot walk down the aisle without turning sideways? She is so big, she cannot walk straight down the aisle. With her tight ol' black tank top and plunging neckline she is whacking the sides of the poor people in the aisleway...
I can only say that I am glad I did not have an aisle seat. What if I didn't see her coming, and my mouth was open? All I saw were aisle-seated-men with grimaces on their faces as they dodged the oncoming blubber of flesh and boobage.
!WITH THE PINK STRAP STILL STICKING OUT HALFWAY DOWN HER ARM!
Please help me understand why a woman would do this?!
Living on the beach, I've begun to wonder why bikini manufacturers would actually market a flesh colored bikini in a size 14 or larger.
This just reinforces my confusion. Please help me. Gawd, I hope she's not related you.
This isn't something I can blog about on my blog because I only have a readership of 3 and one is my sister and one is my mom. Thanks for following me. It's nice to have someone to turn to.
Sincerely,
Thedadmandiaries
Dear Thedadmandiaries,
Sorry that I am late responding to this, every time I read the description I kept throwing up.
Did you read my post on MILFs? That is exactly what I am talking about. What has happened is that someone, even harder up than she is, told Senioretta Sasquach that she was either hot, sexy, fine, beautiful or whatever and she believed them.
And real quick, hell no she isn’t related to me.
Had to clear that up real quick. Now back to your questions, when you visibly can’t tell where the tits end and the gut begins it is obvious that there is a sever lack of self respect. Anyone who doesn’t respect themselves always has an attitude/perception problem with the rest of society. And if they don’t respect themselves they are not going to respect your senses, vision or any others. $100 says she was loud and smelled too. Plus she probably thought that the bra strap, low neck line and painted on jeans were “sexy”. And she thinks so because at least once in her past someone was nice to her and told her that she was sexy.
I firmly believe that it’s these hard up little F’ers who are fully to blame for this. They feed (pun intended) this nasty women what they want to hear and then these half tons of fun start to believe it. I know these dudes want to get laid but people in hell want ice water too. If these dudes would stay out of the chat rooms and gaming message boards and join the rest of normal society the world would be a better place. You see it is circular. Poindexter is on a mission to have sex at least once before he dies that he will tell any woman anything that she wants to her so that she will give him some. And desperation breeds persistency and changes your perception. Sort of like if you were starving a steak from the waffle house would taste fantastic, but if you were just a little hungry it would make you want to barf. Get what I mean? So here the geeks feed the freaks ego enough to cause the freaks to believe what the geeks tell them. If someone told you that you were the best at something and they told you over and over again, you would start to believe them. Look at professional athletes and the egos that they have. Same thing with Mount St Saggy. So now she thinks that she is hot and that she has to have hot girl attitude. A la the bra strap. She was teasing you with her sexiness.
Now onto the flesh colored bikini. It’s simple actually, the bikini makers know that they can charge a premium for the plus size bikini version of a normal bikini and they will get it too. It amazes me how backwards socity is, it is like pulling hens teeth to get the women you want to see nude out of their clothes and you can’t keep the ones you don’t want to see covered up enough.
I fully believe that there should be an exam for lots of things and clothing is one of them. Take bras for example, if you have to pour yourself or perform some sort of coordinated crane dance to get a bra on you should not be allowed to own, wear or borrow a sexy bra or a push up bra. If there is enough of an altitude change that your boobs experience a climate change, sorry no sexy undies for you! Its granny panties and those lunch lady bras from the Sears catalog. And you damn sure better not have a belly button ring!
Same goes for low cut tops, tight pants, and thongs. You should at least have to fill out some sort of form that has to be approved.
Don’t get dead
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Hot Rods and Spring Break in Panama City Beach (long)
Growing up I was friends with a couple of brothers whose father owned a couple of car garages. And they had a huge car barn where we built hot rods and worked on our own cars. The coolest part about building these hot rods was that we got to drive them from time to time. You want to talk about feeling like a bad ass, be in high school and roll up to the school in a blown 23 T-Bucket or a 32 Ford Coupe with a chopped top and suicide doors, shaved door handles and exhaust loud enough to set off ever alarm in the parking lot.
A little before spring break one year, one of the brothers and I was talking about going to Panama City Beach for spring break. Of course moolah was the biggest concern. We were in high school after all. My friend mentioned that his parents were going down and that we could stay with them. This guys parents where cool as hell, what time we came and went was absolutely no concern, knowing his parents they were going to stay in a nice place (bonus). Then he laid the deal maker down on me, if I went we got to take the T-Bucket and the 32. Can we leave now!
Think about it, a young guy with sweet hot rods at the biggest spring break spot, I was in heaven. Spring break couldn’t get there fast enough.
The day of the trip comes and we are both smiling like a couple of rats eating cheese, even though it was a bit cool (probably in the 50’s). In typical fashion we make a quick check to make sure that we have everything before we head out and then go to fill up before we head out. Since these where hand made cars we stopped every now and then just to make sure that they were running fine and so on. At one point my friends dad had decided that the cars where fine and that we didn’t have to stop any more.
There we are heading down the highway being the center of attention to everyone going in both directions. My friend’s parents in the lead in the 32 with my friend and I following in the Bucket. For those of you who might not know what a 23 T-Bucket looks like mash here and if you don’t know what a 32 Ford coupe looks like mash here. Damn we were cool …and cold, but we were cool. Damn it was cold. Very shortly after the trip started we both opted for leather jackets. Not long after that we looked like freaking bank robbers, ski masks, gloves, two jackets, sun glasses and scarves. But we were cool. Shivering like a Chihuahua trying to shit out a peach seed, but we were cool.
Smelling that salt air when we finally got there made it all worth while. The girls in bikinis didn’t hurt either. It was awesome, we were damn near famous. We check in and couldn’t wait to get out and cruise. But we had to play it cool and not geek out. So we went and got something to eat with the parental units and put our plan together. We hopped in the 23 and scoped out the area, made sure to cruise by the beach to make our very loud presence know and so on. That night we decided to cruise the strip and look for tail… I mean see how everyone was doing. It didn’t take us long to realize that this car, which had about the same horsepower as the space shuttle, was not made to cruise in barely moving strip traffic. It was so powerful and geared so low that when we were stopping I had to pull up on the steering wheel to hold the brake pedal down. It didn’t take long to decide that when we were not moving to put it in park. Oh, one thing about that, this car had a slap shifter in it, but was put in backwards on purpose (long story, don’t ask), so instead of park being at the top of the column it was at the bottom. It can be a little confusing. So there we are with the car in park being too cool for everyone around us when traffic finally starts to move, I put the car in what I thought was drive but apparently it was reverse. I figured this out when I pushed down the gas pedal and we went backwards. You know that saying “frozen in fear”, that was the girl behind us in the little Honda Civic that we damn near plowed into. Fortunately I was able to stop the car from changing the aerodynamics of her Civic. I get it in drive and off we go, in the right direction this time.
Ironically I had just told my friend that I bet that car would cause a wreck that week because of people not paying attention, I know, I am good!
After cruising for a bit we needed some petrol and pulled into a gas station. Just as an FYI, if you accidentally put diesel into a blown 23 T-Bucket because you were looking at chicks, when the diesel gets to the cylinders and ignites it will shoot a big ass flame out of the blower. So we had to call the dad and he had to get a bucket from the maintenance guy at the condos so that we could drain the 8 gallons of diesel that some brainchild put into this car. Even as we were sitting there with draining the diesel out we were still cool. After making us feel like complete dumbasses his dad went back to the condo and we went back to cruising the strip for a bit. Remember how I was telling you about how powerful this car was and how it was not built for all of the cruising, well there is another reason this is true. The engine on this car gets hot, damn hot. It didn’t take us long to realize that we needed to get some air blowing over the radiator or we were going to have a problem. So we pull off of the strip to go hit some of the back roads for a bit. No sooner had we pulled off had I decided that to get air blowing on the radiator that we had to get moving so I punched it. If you looked at the pictures in the links above you realize that there isn’t much to this car, so the simple math of light weight car + extremely strong motor + dumbass standing on the gas pedal = the front wheels launching off the ground and two idiots screaming (literally) down a side road while doing a wheelie in a car. Thankfully my cat like reflexes told me to get off the gas pretty quickly. After repeating “holy shit” about 50,000 times each we both did a quick “are we dead” check and decided that we survived.
But we still had to get the car cooled off and we didn’t want to wait on it to cool on its own. As we are making our way to one of the back roads so we can haul ass and get the temps down some jackass in a mustang is trying to race us, yeah we smoked his ass and he suddenly decided that he had to turn, pussy. So we get the car cooled off and head back to the strip. After another hour or so of bumper to bumper, barely moving traffic the temps go up again. But this time we were at a prime place to actually pull over and let the car cool off, right in the middle of the strip. We pull off the road right by the beach (nice breeze blowing, I am a smart cookie) and proceed to hang out on the car watching the traffic. It was great, we were getting cat calls and invited to parties like it was going out of style. It was like the girls where coming out of the sand they were everywhere, life was great. A couple of girls pulled over behind us and where chatting with us for a bit when I noticed that there was no more traffic on the road in the direction that we were facing. The last car was right beside where we pulled over and then nothing as far as we could see. It was weird. Right after I noticed that I kept hearing this noise, this sort of winding noise. I checked and the fan on the car wasn’t running, the fuel pump wasn’t running but I could not figure out what this little noise was and it was getting louder. About this time I see a little light flickering in the distance. It was some guy on a scooter and he was hauling ass (for a scooter). As he got closer we could tell that he was not paying attention to the traffic but was looking at us. Then BAM he slammed at full speed into the car that was beside our car. He flew over their car and crashed face first into the back windshield car in front of them. His little red scooter literally broke into pieces. But it was like something from the circus, the guy rockets himself head first into the back glass of this car, lands on his feet does a 360 looking around and then collapses on the street. A complete WTF moment. Out of instinct we start to pick up the pieces of his scooter and someone went to go call the medics. When we realized that this guy was going to probably be ok was the exact same time that we realized that we had been drinking and that we need to bounce! We were out of there, slinging sand all along the way. Sorry, but I am not going to jail because of the human crash test dummy.
Some time later we were back on the strip and happened to be in the area where the human spitwad tried to carpool at 50 MPH when a cop motions us over. F’ing great, we are going to jail and there are so many reasons why: no seat belts; I have no idea if this car is street legal; the tail lights had this blue piece on them that made them light up purple which I heard was illegal; minor intox; no catalytic converter; being loud as fuck; DUI; oh and that hauling ass after that dude went X-games with that scooter. We pull over and shut the car off and I start to go for my wallet when the cop starts to ask me all of these questions, none of which were can I see your licenses. He says that he has seen us around and then proceeds to ask if the blower is really hooked up to which my friend interjected “You damn right it is!” Thanks jackass. So the cop just keeps asking questions like how many horses does it have, what size is the motor, this and that. Which I am sure is going to be used against us in a court of law. And then he ask us if we can fire it up and let him hear it. Sure, why not, if I’m going to the pokey might as well make it a good one right. So I crank the car and the cop says “rev it up” and I give it this little baby rev. The cops says “no man, get on it” and grabs the fucking throttle and opens that bitch up. People all around jumped, car alarms are going off, people are coming out of their hotel rooms to see what was going on. Turns out he is just a gear head too. So now we are playing this to our advantage we got a cop buddy. Man we let him sit in it, rev it like a drunken hells angel, take pictures and anything else he wanted. After about 20 minutes or smoozing with local law enforcement he ask us if it would spin the tires (33 inch Mickey Thompsons) we told him no because there is just too much traction and not enough weight. He doesn’t believe us and says he wants us to get on it to see. So he stops traffic and lets the traffic on the road get a good ways down the road. Then he tells us to “get on it but don’t half ass it”. So we pull out onto the road, I tell my friend to hang on and we punch it again. We pulled the wheels off the ground about two to three feet or so and got off of it long enough for the tires to touch the ground again and kept on keeping on. When we circled back around this cop was waving and giving us a big thumbs up. I just knew we were going to jail. It was getting late and we had enough fun for one night so we decided to head back to the condo.
I don’t know what we did but for some reason my friend’s dad was really happy the next day and let us carry the 32 out that night. We loved that car. It was totally pimp with a TV, cell phone (this was almost 20 years ago) and the most important thing heat/ac.
After the 8,372,623 time we heard “hey, ZZ Top” it started to get a bit annoying and people started seeing the back of our middle fingers. The car was red just like the car on the cover of “Eliminator” but we also realized that it looked like that car, even way back when we made it. So we didn’t need every geek on the strip to remind us. That car was sweet and so much fun to drive and you would be surprised how many girls you can cram into a car like that. After scoring some brew we wanted to head to a place where we wouldn’t get so much attention so we headed to this steak house and parked out back to drink for a bit. One of the kitchen staff guys came out to have a smoke and saw the car, we thought we were busted but he was cool and wanted to check out the car. Then he went and got some of his buddies and they will all kinds of excited and wanted to take pictures with the car and so on. Being the jackass that I am, I told them if they could score me and my friend a couple steak dinners we would let them take all the pictures that they wanted and I will be damned if they didn’t hook us up. Snap away fellas. Even the manager came out to get his picture taken with it. We just wanted to drink beer without getting busted by the cops, like I said we were still in high school.
After the free meal we decided to see just how lucky we were, off to the bars Batman! We roll into the parking lot of one of the biggest clubs on the beach, La Vela, and just ask the door guy if there was a place we could park where no one would mess with the car. The guy moves some cones so that we could park right by the door and he welcomes us in. We realized that something about those cars made door guys forget to id us. Advantage us! And since those were the only two cars we had with us we had to take one of them every time we went somewhere. Not getting carded makes up for all of the other hi-jinks.
Don’t get dead
A little before spring break one year, one of the brothers and I was talking about going to Panama City Beach for spring break. Of course moolah was the biggest concern. We were in high school after all. My friend mentioned that his parents were going down and that we could stay with them. This guys parents where cool as hell, what time we came and went was absolutely no concern, knowing his parents they were going to stay in a nice place (bonus). Then he laid the deal maker down on me, if I went we got to take the T-Bucket and the 32. Can we leave now!
Think about it, a young guy with sweet hot rods at the biggest spring break spot, I was in heaven. Spring break couldn’t get there fast enough.
The day of the trip comes and we are both smiling like a couple of rats eating cheese, even though it was a bit cool (probably in the 50’s). In typical fashion we make a quick check to make sure that we have everything before we head out and then go to fill up before we head out. Since these where hand made cars we stopped every now and then just to make sure that they were running fine and so on. At one point my friends dad had decided that the cars where fine and that we didn’t have to stop any more.
There we are heading down the highway being the center of attention to everyone going in both directions. My friend’s parents in the lead in the 32 with my friend and I following in the Bucket. For those of you who might not know what a 23 T-Bucket looks like mash here and if you don’t know what a 32 Ford coupe looks like mash here. Damn we were cool …and cold, but we were cool. Damn it was cold. Very shortly after the trip started we both opted for leather jackets. Not long after that we looked like freaking bank robbers, ski masks, gloves, two jackets, sun glasses and scarves. But we were cool. Shivering like a Chihuahua trying to shit out a peach seed, but we were cool.
Smelling that salt air when we finally got there made it all worth while. The girls in bikinis didn’t hurt either. It was awesome, we were damn near famous. We check in and couldn’t wait to get out and cruise. But we had to play it cool and not geek out. So we went and got something to eat with the parental units and put our plan together. We hopped in the 23 and scoped out the area, made sure to cruise by the beach to make our very loud presence know and so on. That night we decided to cruise the strip and look for tail… I mean see how everyone was doing. It didn’t take us long to realize that this car, which had about the same horsepower as the space shuttle, was not made to cruise in barely moving strip traffic. It was so powerful and geared so low that when we were stopping I had to pull up on the steering wheel to hold the brake pedal down. It didn’t take long to decide that when we were not moving to put it in park. Oh, one thing about that, this car had a slap shifter in it, but was put in backwards on purpose (long story, don’t ask), so instead of park being at the top of the column it was at the bottom. It can be a little confusing. So there we are with the car in park being too cool for everyone around us when traffic finally starts to move, I put the car in what I thought was drive but apparently it was reverse. I figured this out when I pushed down the gas pedal and we went backwards. You know that saying “frozen in fear”, that was the girl behind us in the little Honda Civic that we damn near plowed into. Fortunately I was able to stop the car from changing the aerodynamics of her Civic. I get it in drive and off we go, in the right direction this time.
Ironically I had just told my friend that I bet that car would cause a wreck that week because of people not paying attention, I know, I am good!
After cruising for a bit we needed some petrol and pulled into a gas station. Just as an FYI, if you accidentally put diesel into a blown 23 T-Bucket because you were looking at chicks, when the diesel gets to the cylinders and ignites it will shoot a big ass flame out of the blower. So we had to call the dad and he had to get a bucket from the maintenance guy at the condos so that we could drain the 8 gallons of diesel that some brainchild put into this car. Even as we were sitting there with draining the diesel out we were still cool. After making us feel like complete dumbasses his dad went back to the condo and we went back to cruising the strip for a bit. Remember how I was telling you about how powerful this car was and how it was not built for all of the cruising, well there is another reason this is true. The engine on this car gets hot, damn hot. It didn’t take us long to realize that we needed to get some air blowing over the radiator or we were going to have a problem. So we pull off of the strip to go hit some of the back roads for a bit. No sooner had we pulled off had I decided that to get air blowing on the radiator that we had to get moving so I punched it. If you looked at the pictures in the links above you realize that there isn’t much to this car, so the simple math of light weight car + extremely strong motor + dumbass standing on the gas pedal = the front wheels launching off the ground and two idiots screaming (literally) down a side road while doing a wheelie in a car. Thankfully my cat like reflexes told me to get off the gas pretty quickly. After repeating “holy shit” about 50,000 times each we both did a quick “are we dead” check and decided that we survived.
But we still had to get the car cooled off and we didn’t want to wait on it to cool on its own. As we are making our way to one of the back roads so we can haul ass and get the temps down some jackass in a mustang is trying to race us, yeah we smoked his ass and he suddenly decided that he had to turn, pussy. So we get the car cooled off and head back to the strip. After another hour or so of bumper to bumper, barely moving traffic the temps go up again. But this time we were at a prime place to actually pull over and let the car cool off, right in the middle of the strip. We pull off the road right by the beach (nice breeze blowing, I am a smart cookie) and proceed to hang out on the car watching the traffic. It was great, we were getting cat calls and invited to parties like it was going out of style. It was like the girls where coming out of the sand they were everywhere, life was great. A couple of girls pulled over behind us and where chatting with us for a bit when I noticed that there was no more traffic on the road in the direction that we were facing. The last car was right beside where we pulled over and then nothing as far as we could see. It was weird. Right after I noticed that I kept hearing this noise, this sort of winding noise. I checked and the fan on the car wasn’t running, the fuel pump wasn’t running but I could not figure out what this little noise was and it was getting louder. About this time I see a little light flickering in the distance. It was some guy on a scooter and he was hauling ass (for a scooter). As he got closer we could tell that he was not paying attention to the traffic but was looking at us. Then BAM he slammed at full speed into the car that was beside our car. He flew over their car and crashed face first into the back windshield car in front of them. His little red scooter literally broke into pieces. But it was like something from the circus, the guy rockets himself head first into the back glass of this car, lands on his feet does a 360 looking around and then collapses on the street. A complete WTF moment. Out of instinct we start to pick up the pieces of his scooter and someone went to go call the medics. When we realized that this guy was going to probably be ok was the exact same time that we realized that we had been drinking and that we need to bounce! We were out of there, slinging sand all along the way. Sorry, but I am not going to jail because of the human crash test dummy.
Some time later we were back on the strip and happened to be in the area where the human spitwad tried to carpool at 50 MPH when a cop motions us over. F’ing great, we are going to jail and there are so many reasons why: no seat belts; I have no idea if this car is street legal; the tail lights had this blue piece on them that made them light up purple which I heard was illegal; minor intox; no catalytic converter; being loud as fuck; DUI; oh and that hauling ass after that dude went X-games with that scooter. We pull over and shut the car off and I start to go for my wallet when the cop starts to ask me all of these questions, none of which were can I see your licenses. He says that he has seen us around and then proceeds to ask if the blower is really hooked up to which my friend interjected “You damn right it is!” Thanks jackass. So the cop just keeps asking questions like how many horses does it have, what size is the motor, this and that. Which I am sure is going to be used against us in a court of law. And then he ask us if we can fire it up and let him hear it. Sure, why not, if I’m going to the pokey might as well make it a good one right. So I crank the car and the cop says “rev it up” and I give it this little baby rev. The cops says “no man, get on it” and grabs the fucking throttle and opens that bitch up. People all around jumped, car alarms are going off, people are coming out of their hotel rooms to see what was going on. Turns out he is just a gear head too. So now we are playing this to our advantage we got a cop buddy. Man we let him sit in it, rev it like a drunken hells angel, take pictures and anything else he wanted. After about 20 minutes or smoozing with local law enforcement he ask us if it would spin the tires (33 inch Mickey Thompsons) we told him no because there is just too much traction and not enough weight. He doesn’t believe us and says he wants us to get on it to see. So he stops traffic and lets the traffic on the road get a good ways down the road. Then he tells us to “get on it but don’t half ass it”. So we pull out onto the road, I tell my friend to hang on and we punch it again. We pulled the wheels off the ground about two to three feet or so and got off of it long enough for the tires to touch the ground again and kept on keeping on. When we circled back around this cop was waving and giving us a big thumbs up. I just knew we were going to jail. It was getting late and we had enough fun for one night so we decided to head back to the condo.
I don’t know what we did but for some reason my friend’s dad was really happy the next day and let us carry the 32 out that night. We loved that car. It was totally pimp with a TV, cell phone (this was almost 20 years ago) and the most important thing heat/ac.
After the 8,372,623 time we heard “hey, ZZ Top” it started to get a bit annoying and people started seeing the back of our middle fingers. The car was red just like the car on the cover of “Eliminator” but we also realized that it looked like that car, even way back when we made it. So we didn’t need every geek on the strip to remind us. That car was sweet and so much fun to drive and you would be surprised how many girls you can cram into a car like that. After scoring some brew we wanted to head to a place where we wouldn’t get so much attention so we headed to this steak house and parked out back to drink for a bit. One of the kitchen staff guys came out to have a smoke and saw the car, we thought we were busted but he was cool and wanted to check out the car. Then he went and got some of his buddies and they will all kinds of excited and wanted to take pictures with the car and so on. Being the jackass that I am, I told them if they could score me and my friend a couple steak dinners we would let them take all the pictures that they wanted and I will be damned if they didn’t hook us up. Snap away fellas. Even the manager came out to get his picture taken with it. We just wanted to drink beer without getting busted by the cops, like I said we were still in high school.
After the free meal we decided to see just how lucky we were, off to the bars Batman! We roll into the parking lot of one of the biggest clubs on the beach, La Vela, and just ask the door guy if there was a place we could park where no one would mess with the car. The guy moves some cones so that we could park right by the door and he welcomes us in. We realized that something about those cars made door guys forget to id us. Advantage us! And since those were the only two cars we had with us we had to take one of them every time we went somewhere. Not getting carded makes up for all of the other hi-jinks.
Don’t get dead
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Dear Sweezey - Question about divorce, and kids
Dear Sweezey,
The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.
- Decisions from the courts
Dear Decisions from the courts,
Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?
I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.
I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.
Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.
So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.
- Decisions from the courts
Dear Decisions from the courts,
Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?
I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.
I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.
Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.
So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Monday, March 16, 2009
86 Rules of boozing
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Dear Sweezey - Why chivalry is dead
Dear Sweezey,
So this woman in a store is frantic because she lost her billfold, so I went to find the manger while she continued to look around. It had been turned in up front and I pointed her out to the manager. No big deal. I only took a moment out of my day to do the right thing and without me she would have gotten it back anyway. But then she brushed right past me without a word, then later nearly ran me over in the parking lot. So she was in a hurry. Aren't we all? I have no sense of entitlement, but geeze, not even a thank you. The luxury sports car with vanity plates and the fact that her ass is as wide as my kitchen table may be an indication of what she is, hmm?
- Paula
Dear Paula,
Chivalry is defined as the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
And you say that you “have no sense of entitlement”. Entitlement is defined as the act of entitling. To save you some time, entitling means to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.
Now you claim that you have no sense of entitlement yet you felt compelled to write and bitch about some other dame not bowing down to kiss your ass when even you yourself said that she would have gotten her billfold back anyway. And then you go on to belittle this woman. What a bitch.
Even think that maybe she was “frantic” because she had been looking for her billfold for so long that it made her late to pick up her 9 year old son from soccer practice and that there would be no one there to stay with her son and that the little boy and that there was a child molesting maniac who likes to hang out by the soccer fields? Yeah, how dare she want to keep that poor 9 year old little boy safe and sound instead of bending over backwards to tell you what a fantastic person you are for doing next to nothing.
So tell me what does a luxury sports car, vanity plates and as you say an ass as wide as your kitchen table indicate? It sounds to me like it indicates that she has some money. Is that what pisses you off? That her life is good and that yours sucks and that you are pissed off because of all of the bad choices you have and continue to make? Since I am a gambling man, I am willing to bet that she is MUCH more attractive than you are and that is the reason that you feel the need to lash out and the only think you can, her ass. And I will double up my bet that the only person who thinks that she almost ran you over in the parking lot is you.
You need meds, seriously, you know happy pills.
So if chivalry is dead you are an accomplice to murder.
- Sweezey
Email for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
So this woman in a store is frantic because she lost her billfold, so I went to find the manger while she continued to look around. It had been turned in up front and I pointed her out to the manager. No big deal. I only took a moment out of my day to do the right thing and without me she would have gotten it back anyway. But then she brushed right past me without a word, then later nearly ran me over in the parking lot. So she was in a hurry. Aren't we all? I have no sense of entitlement, but geeze, not even a thank you. The luxury sports car with vanity plates and the fact that her ass is as wide as my kitchen table may be an indication of what she is, hmm?
- Paula
Dear Paula,
Chivalry is defined as the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.
And you say that you “have no sense of entitlement”. Entitlement is defined as the act of entitling. To save you some time, entitling means to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.
Now you claim that you have no sense of entitlement yet you felt compelled to write and bitch about some other dame not bowing down to kiss your ass when even you yourself said that she would have gotten her billfold back anyway. And then you go on to belittle this woman. What a bitch.
Even think that maybe she was “frantic” because she had been looking for her billfold for so long that it made her late to pick up her 9 year old son from soccer practice and that there would be no one there to stay with her son and that the little boy and that there was a child molesting maniac who likes to hang out by the soccer fields? Yeah, how dare she want to keep that poor 9 year old little boy safe and sound instead of bending over backwards to tell you what a fantastic person you are for doing next to nothing.
So tell me what does a luxury sports car, vanity plates and as you say an ass as wide as your kitchen table indicate? It sounds to me like it indicates that she has some money. Is that what pisses you off? That her life is good and that yours sucks and that you are pissed off because of all of the bad choices you have and continue to make? Since I am a gambling man, I am willing to bet that she is MUCH more attractive than you are and that is the reason that you feel the need to lash out and the only think you can, her ass. And I will double up my bet that the only person who thinks that she almost ran you over in the parking lot is you.
You need meds, seriously, you know happy pills.
So if chivalry is dead you are an accomplice to murder.
- Sweezey
Email for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Sunday, March 08, 2009
To set the record straight
Women, this is for you. And while I can appreciate and admire confidence in a woman, just because you squatted out a kid does NOT instantly make you a milf. I have seen blogs where women consider themselves to be hot and call themselves milfs. While some one dude will F you, don’t mean that most men would. Just means that you found someone more hard up for sex than you.
So while “technically” you could be considered a milf by one dude, don’t go out and sell yourself as one. You are making yourself look idiotic and ruining the good reputation of the true milf.
Same thing for you old chicks who think you are a cougar. If you don’t have a large number of average or above looking guys (societies standards on looks, not yours) hitting you on, you are not a milf or a cougar or whatever.
And to touch base on something that I wrote about a while back, low cut tops aren’t for everyone. If you got big boobs, that’s great. But if your boobs get caught in your belt, I don’t want to see them. I damn sure don’t want to see them if they have stretch marks on them. Just remember that some of us may have just eaten.
While we are on the low cut tops thing, if you do wear a low cut top you damn sure better not get pissed if you catch some dude looking at your boobs. If he was there with his dork out he would expect you to look. And you didn’t wear that shirt so that you wouldn’t get seen. We both know that you wore it on purpose, ease up and let them look.
Now if you do have a nice body and want to show it off that’s great. But if you had any sort of surgery to get said body (which I got no problem with at all!!) don’t give health/food advice to anyone. Pot meet kettle if you know where I am coming from.
Again, love confidence hate ignorance. Learn the difference.
Oh and if you are fat, work with what you got. I know that “fashion experts” say that black makes you look slimmer but it does not make you look slim. There is only so much that a color can do for you. If you are a big girl and you dress in all black all the time you don’t look slim, you look like night time.
Don’t get dead
So while “technically” you could be considered a milf by one dude, don’t go out and sell yourself as one. You are making yourself look idiotic and ruining the good reputation of the true milf.
Same thing for you old chicks who think you are a cougar. If you don’t have a large number of average or above looking guys (societies standards on looks, not yours) hitting you on, you are not a milf or a cougar or whatever.
And to touch base on something that I wrote about a while back, low cut tops aren’t for everyone. If you got big boobs, that’s great. But if your boobs get caught in your belt, I don’t want to see them. I damn sure don’t want to see them if they have stretch marks on them. Just remember that some of us may have just eaten.
While we are on the low cut tops thing, if you do wear a low cut top you damn sure better not get pissed if you catch some dude looking at your boobs. If he was there with his dork out he would expect you to look. And you didn’t wear that shirt so that you wouldn’t get seen. We both know that you wore it on purpose, ease up and let them look.
Now if you do have a nice body and want to show it off that’s great. But if you had any sort of surgery to get said body (which I got no problem with at all!!) don’t give health/food advice to anyone. Pot meet kettle if you know where I am coming from.
Again, love confidence hate ignorance. Learn the difference.
Oh and if you are fat, work with what you got. I know that “fashion experts” say that black makes you look slimmer but it does not make you look slim. There is only so much that a color can do for you. If you are a big girl and you dress in all black all the time you don’t look slim, you look like night time.
Don’t get dead
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Dear Sweezey - My standards must be SO high
Dear Sweezey,
Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!
Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!
If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.
And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.
- Seriously
Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,
First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?
You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.
So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?
Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*
The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.
You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.
Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!
Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!
If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.
And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.
- Seriously
Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,
First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?
You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.
So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?
Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*
The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.
You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.
Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.
- Sweezey
E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com
Don’t get dead
Monday, March 02, 2009
It is all our fault and apparently nobody is immune.
My wife’s car has one of those rear entertainment centers. We thought it would be nice to have since when we bought it we knew we would take it on family trips and the bulk of the driving with the kids.
After a while the kids got used to the DVDs we had in the car and if they were good we told them that we would get them a new DVD. They really thought they were top dogs when they got a new DVD, so we started to use that as a reward system. Then one day I was noticing that the kids would laugh during the DVD when it sounded like nothing was happening. Then it hit me, we never actually watched the DVDs. For all we knew it could be some of the most graphic and vulgar things known to man as the video with a nice kids show audio track and we would not have known the difference.
So I have decided that maybe I should start to pay a little more attention to the things my kids watch, and most definitely the programming that I put on for them.
Take tonight for example. I was doing some work while my children where up in the play room and they where watching the ever popular kids show “Dora the Explorer”. I thought to myself “this is this is on Noggin, it’s part of the Nickelodeon family of channels, it’s got to be safe”, but I was wrong. It was filled with all kinds of insane things that seemed cute and maybe even harmless on the surface.
For those of you who don’t know, Dora is this little Hispanic girl with a football shaped head. And that’s about the most sane thing about this show. Dora has a talking monkey that wears shoes as her friend. In the episode tonight, Dora was talking with her grandmother and her grandmother was telling her about making some chocolate treat. And she told Dora that the chocolate grew on a tree and that this tree was her friend and that the tree gave her hugs when she was sad. WTF?!?! And this tree sings with her, yeah the tree sings.
So Dora decides that she is going to go find said singing tree, but she has to check her map to find out how to get there. But for some reason she can’t check the map, you have to check the map and tell her how to get there. Oh and the map talks. Anyone else think that the creators of this show are constantly on an acid trip? Well the map says that to get to this magical chocolate tree that you need to go through the jungle and then to a cave. Say what?!?!
While un-chaperoned laces out and her talking monkey are in the jungle she comes up to a toucan who tells her that there are snapping turtles, snakes and a crocodile in the jungle and that these animals wont let her pass unless she feeds them cookies. Let’s think about this shall we, teaching kids to hand feed wild and dangerous animals. Yeah, I can see why this show is wildly popular.
So maybe feeding turtles isn’t a big deal. And the snakes, while not a bright idea still could be done with some distance and you might be safe. But a fucking crocodile!! Come on.
Then after jungle it’s off to the cave, but not just any cave, oh no no no, it’s a fucking bear cave. Sure, let’s teach our children to go to bear caves. Makes perfect sense to me! The monkey asked what happens if they meet the bear and Dora advised him that they “would have to be very careful”, ya think? Then the monkey and ole football head meet up with a talking iguana, sure it happens all the time. But the iguana tells them that they just have to sing to the bear to put it to sleep. I know that is what they tell you to do in wilderness survival school, to sing and to do so loudly! You know, draw lots of attention to yourself. And they where wondering where the bear was when they got to its cave, almost like they were disappointed because the bear wasn’t there. Of course the bear comes while they are at the cave and they sing it to sleep… yeah.
One of the other episodes had a water skiing bull. In the same show the talking map sent extra point head along with the pronouncing primate to “Pirate Island” where they had to sing and dance for trees so that the trees would let them by. Who sends a kid, even with a monkey to any place called “Pirate Island”?
Oh and don’t forget about the talking backpack and the stealing (and talking, apparently everything talks in this show) fox.
No wonder that the younger generations are fucking stupid. Look at what is (was in our case) entertaining them. Just remember that these are the people who are going to be taking care of us when we get old. You know, WE ARE SCREWED!
Don’t get dead
After a while the kids got used to the DVDs we had in the car and if they were good we told them that we would get them a new DVD. They really thought they were top dogs when they got a new DVD, so we started to use that as a reward system. Then one day I was noticing that the kids would laugh during the DVD when it sounded like nothing was happening. Then it hit me, we never actually watched the DVDs. For all we knew it could be some of the most graphic and vulgar things known to man as the video with a nice kids show audio track and we would not have known the difference.
So I have decided that maybe I should start to pay a little more attention to the things my kids watch, and most definitely the programming that I put on for them.
Take tonight for example. I was doing some work while my children where up in the play room and they where watching the ever popular kids show “Dora the Explorer”. I thought to myself “this is this is on Noggin, it’s part of the Nickelodeon family of channels, it’s got to be safe”, but I was wrong. It was filled with all kinds of insane things that seemed cute and maybe even harmless on the surface.
For those of you who don’t know, Dora is this little Hispanic girl with a football shaped head. And that’s about the most sane thing about this show. Dora has a talking monkey that wears shoes as her friend. In the episode tonight, Dora was talking with her grandmother and her grandmother was telling her about making some chocolate treat. And she told Dora that the chocolate grew on a tree and that this tree was her friend and that the tree gave her hugs when she was sad. WTF?!?! And this tree sings with her, yeah the tree sings.
So Dora decides that she is going to go find said singing tree, but she has to check her map to find out how to get there. But for some reason she can’t check the map, you have to check the map and tell her how to get there. Oh and the map talks. Anyone else think that the creators of this show are constantly on an acid trip? Well the map says that to get to this magical chocolate tree that you need to go through the jungle and then to a cave. Say what?!?!
While un-chaperoned laces out and her talking monkey are in the jungle she comes up to a toucan who tells her that there are snapping turtles, snakes and a crocodile in the jungle and that these animals wont let her pass unless she feeds them cookies. Let’s think about this shall we, teaching kids to hand feed wild and dangerous animals. Yeah, I can see why this show is wildly popular.
So maybe feeding turtles isn’t a big deal. And the snakes, while not a bright idea still could be done with some distance and you might be safe. But a fucking crocodile!! Come on.
Then after jungle it’s off to the cave, but not just any cave, oh no no no, it’s a fucking bear cave. Sure, let’s teach our children to go to bear caves. Makes perfect sense to me! The monkey asked what happens if they meet the bear and Dora advised him that they “would have to be very careful”, ya think? Then the monkey and ole football head meet up with a talking iguana, sure it happens all the time. But the iguana tells them that they just have to sing to the bear to put it to sleep. I know that is what they tell you to do in wilderness survival school, to sing and to do so loudly! You know, draw lots of attention to yourself. And they where wondering where the bear was when they got to its cave, almost like they were disappointed because the bear wasn’t there. Of course the bear comes while they are at the cave and they sing it to sleep… yeah.
One of the other episodes had a water skiing bull. In the same show the talking map sent extra point head along with the pronouncing primate to “Pirate Island” where they had to sing and dance for trees so that the trees would let them by. Who sends a kid, even with a monkey to any place called “Pirate Island”?
Oh and don’t forget about the talking backpack and the stealing (and talking, apparently everything talks in this show) fox.
No wonder that the younger generations are fucking stupid. Look at what is (was in our case) entertaining them. Just remember that these are the people who are going to be taking care of us when we get old. You know, WE ARE SCREWED!
Don’t get dead
Friday, February 13, 2009
Guys rules for going to a club
Guys, this one is for you. With “Singles Awareness Day” or as some call it “Valentines Day” being tomorrow I thought that I would share with you some rules to help you find that lovely lady.
First off, women don’t want to be with some push over smuck. So be confident. Nice is for pussies, be a man. Jesus son, grow a pair! So if you ask a chick to dance and she brushes you off, tell her that you didn’t ask her for head just to dance and that she shouldn’t be such a cunt and to lighten up. They love that, drives them crazy.
Another thing that would help you is if you are so inclined to actually “dance” (god help you) remember these few rules for being a man while dancing (shiver).
• NEVER let your arms get above your shoulders. What are you some kind of queen? You’re not bringing sexy back if you look like it’s raining men, get it?
• Don’t ever ever ever ever ever sing along with the song. I don’t care how great of a song it is, never sing along with it.
• For the love of everything holy, don’t do the running man, the lawnmower, the sprinkler or the shaking dice thing. You only make yourself look like a bigger goober.
• Remember that dames think of dancing like vertical sex, so turn her around, bend her over at the waist and pound away!
• Never dance to more than one song at a time. Trust me, if you are a guy, you don’t dance well. Don’t make a huge ass out of yourself. And if you do actually have decent moves, leave them wanting more.
• No fucking techno, EVER!
Let’s move along to drinking. Beer is fine but is gives off a certain financial limit vibe. Drink mixed drinks. And not some fruity crap either. No drinks with umbrellas or fruit in them. What are you, Fabio? And for the sake of men everywhere, no bright colored drinks! Ever! Drinks should be dark in color. Come on you pansy, man up! And another thing, don’t drink out of a fucking staw, you are not in kindergarten. You got fuzz on your peaches right? Show it!
Make sure that you don’t dress like a dildo too. You’re going to a club to try to get laid, not an interview. No starch in anything you are wearing. And more than two buttons (starting at the very top of your shirt) unbuttoned is completely unacceptable. Come on dude, not t-shirts or anything with a hole in it. And don’t wear sneakers or tennis shoes, if you don’t have normal shoes you are not ready for a woman anyway. Wear a belt but don’t clip ANYTHING to it. And make sure that the belt and the shoes match. And no loud colors! Ever! If you are so inclined as to wear cologne pay very important attention to this part, JUST A FUCKING LITTLE BIT OF IT. Don’t bath in the shit. Let me give you some help here, go to the mall and look at the price tags of the colognes in the case. Find one that is more than you would pay for a bottle of cologne and find that tester bottle. Two sprays of it, no more. And if your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel, well you are on your own, I can’t help you. Oh and no sunglasses. The more accessories that you have, the more you look … well just sad. Drawing attention to yourself = got nothing going for yourself.
Talking to chicks is crucial. Keep saying this handy little phrase to yourself “shut the fuck up”. And remember it. If you are talking, you are fucking up. Well if you are talking too much. Talking to women is sort of a moving target. Too little talking and you look like the guy who jerks off to Disney movies. Too much talking and you look like the guy who lives with his mom. Work on it, but never ever practice in a mirror. Two sentences at the most and no more than say eight words in a sentence. You want to look smooth, not spastic.
Just trying to help.
Don’t get dead
First off, women don’t want to be with some push over smuck. So be confident. Nice is for pussies, be a man. Jesus son, grow a pair! So if you ask a chick to dance and she brushes you off, tell her that you didn’t ask her for head just to dance and that she shouldn’t be such a cunt and to lighten up. They love that, drives them crazy.
Another thing that would help you is if you are so inclined to actually “dance” (god help you) remember these few rules for being a man while dancing (shiver).
• NEVER let your arms get above your shoulders. What are you some kind of queen? You’re not bringing sexy back if you look like it’s raining men, get it?
• Don’t ever ever ever ever ever sing along with the song. I don’t care how great of a song it is, never sing along with it.
• For the love of everything holy, don’t do the running man, the lawnmower, the sprinkler or the shaking dice thing. You only make yourself look like a bigger goober.
• Remember that dames think of dancing like vertical sex, so turn her around, bend her over at the waist and pound away!
• Never dance to more than one song at a time. Trust me, if you are a guy, you don’t dance well. Don’t make a huge ass out of yourself. And if you do actually have decent moves, leave them wanting more.
• No fucking techno, EVER!
Let’s move along to drinking. Beer is fine but is gives off a certain financial limit vibe. Drink mixed drinks. And not some fruity crap either. No drinks with umbrellas or fruit in them. What are you, Fabio? And for the sake of men everywhere, no bright colored drinks! Ever! Drinks should be dark in color. Come on you pansy, man up! And another thing, don’t drink out of a fucking staw, you are not in kindergarten. You got fuzz on your peaches right? Show it!
Make sure that you don’t dress like a dildo too. You’re going to a club to try to get laid, not an interview. No starch in anything you are wearing. And more than two buttons (starting at the very top of your shirt) unbuttoned is completely unacceptable. Come on dude, not t-shirts or anything with a hole in it. And don’t wear sneakers or tennis shoes, if you don’t have normal shoes you are not ready for a woman anyway. Wear a belt but don’t clip ANYTHING to it. And make sure that the belt and the shoes match. And no loud colors! Ever! If you are so inclined as to wear cologne pay very important attention to this part, JUST A FUCKING LITTLE BIT OF IT. Don’t bath in the shit. Let me give you some help here, go to the mall and look at the price tags of the colognes in the case. Find one that is more than you would pay for a bottle of cologne and find that tester bottle. Two sprays of it, no more. And if your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel, well you are on your own, I can’t help you. Oh and no sunglasses. The more accessories that you have, the more you look … well just sad. Drawing attention to yourself = got nothing going for yourself.
Talking to chicks is crucial. Keep saying this handy little phrase to yourself “shut the fuck up”. And remember it. If you are talking, you are fucking up. Well if you are talking too much. Talking to women is sort of a moving target. Too little talking and you look like the guy who jerks off to Disney movies. Too much talking and you look like the guy who lives with his mom. Work on it, but never ever practice in a mirror. Two sentences at the most and no more than say eight words in a sentence. You want to look smooth, not spastic.
Just trying to help.
Don’t get dead
Monday, February 09, 2009
Nothing says love like …
… a pre-ban assault rifle!
That’s right, nothing screams loving like Glock.
What am I talking about? On the way to work this morning I see a sign for a gun and knife show on Valentines Day over in Fort Worth. I know that EVERY girl that I ever spent Valentines Day with wanted nothing more than to go to a gun show.
So if you are looking for that special gift idea for your loved one on Valentines why not a banana clip for her AK-47? Or maybe a .50 cal?
The thing that I really wonder the most about was, did the person who scheduled this really think this through? Here you have Bubba with access to weapons galore when he has just had his heart broken by Linda Lou all on the day that the words “If I can’t have her nobody can!” get said more than any other time of year. Smooth move ex-lax! Maybe they just need more training or something.
Don’t get dead
That’s right, nothing screams loving like Glock.
What am I talking about? On the way to work this morning I see a sign for a gun and knife show on Valentines Day over in Fort Worth. I know that EVERY girl that I ever spent Valentines Day with wanted nothing more than to go to a gun show.
So if you are looking for that special gift idea for your loved one on Valentines why not a banana clip for her AK-47? Or maybe a .50 cal?
The thing that I really wonder the most about was, did the person who scheduled this really think this through? Here you have Bubba with access to weapons galore when he has just had his heart broken by Linda Lou all on the day that the words “If I can’t have her nobody can!” get said more than any other time of year. Smooth move ex-lax! Maybe they just need more training or something.
Don’t get dead
Friday, January 30, 2009
You got to be kidding me
So I was checking out some news today when I came across this article.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090130/ap_on_re_us/octuplets
And we all know about the Dugger’s with 75 children or what ever and then there is that damn Jon and Kate plus 8 and gobs of hillbillies with their own softball teams too. So this begs the question of ladies, what in the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, you need keep shitting out kids like some kind of goddamn magic trick?
I understand that for some it’s a religious thing, but seriously if you got six kids, pack it in. God said it’s ok. And for the love of everything holy, stop fucking. While you might think it’s great, the rest of the country hates you. And no we aren’t jealous, you are a goddamn drain on society. And even if your not, you are annoying as fuck. Because we all know you are going to take your entire gaggle of weirdo kids to the store with you while you are shopping and I know it will be while I am at the damn store too.
If you have four or more children, go get a library card or the internet or cable tv or something. Ladies, your vagina is not a clown car.
Plus, come on how good can the sex be if your crotch looks like the tunnels used by the Viet Kong? Who wants to screw a coffee can? Your birth canal must be like a damn slip and slide. I bet you don’t even have to push while in labor, they just slide out like a water slide. Are you going for distance during the delivery by the time you have kid #7?
That’s got to be a shit load of snotty noses and dirty diapers. I am going to go check on getting a vasectomy now.
Don’t get dead
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090130/ap_on_re_us/octuplets
And we all know about the Dugger’s with 75 children or what ever and then there is that damn Jon and Kate plus 8 and gobs of hillbillies with their own softball teams too. So this begs the question of ladies, what in the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, you need keep shitting out kids like some kind of goddamn magic trick?
I understand that for some it’s a religious thing, but seriously if you got six kids, pack it in. God said it’s ok. And for the love of everything holy, stop fucking. While you might think it’s great, the rest of the country hates you. And no we aren’t jealous, you are a goddamn drain on society. And even if your not, you are annoying as fuck. Because we all know you are going to take your entire gaggle of weirdo kids to the store with you while you are shopping and I know it will be while I am at the damn store too.
If you have four or more children, go get a library card or the internet or cable tv or something. Ladies, your vagina is not a clown car.
Plus, come on how good can the sex be if your crotch looks like the tunnels used by the Viet Kong? Who wants to screw a coffee can? Your birth canal must be like a damn slip and slide. I bet you don’t even have to push while in labor, they just slide out like a water slide. Are you going for distance during the delivery by the time you have kid #7?
That’s got to be a shit load of snotty noses and dirty diapers. I am going to go check on getting a vasectomy now.
Don’t get dead
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Glove
This is one of the reasons that I am leery of the drive-thru. A while back I went to grab a quick bite to eat at a Burger King and we decided to go in and eat in the restaurant. You know the typical routine, wait in line, order your food, wait for your number to be called, come pick up your tray and go to your seat. So I made my way through the line and am waiting off to the side for my number to be called. As I am waiting I notice that the guy working the register is the one who is getting the orders together and he is kind of, well a dipshit.
I just had this feeling that my order was going to be wrong or something so I was watching him as he was ringing up orders and filling them. So as I am watching I see him get a tray ready, open a bag, scratch his nuts, put a burger into the bag and call my number. OH HELL NO. So I tell him that I got to speak to his manager. After a dirty look he calls the manager over and mumbles some crap.
So the manager comes over and ask me what he could do for me and I told him that I was going to need a new burger. Of course he ask why and I tell him that his employee just scratched his balls then put my burger in the bag.
The manager actually had the audacity to tell me, “Sir, he is wearing a plastic glove”. Dude, I see the glove, the glove is what touched his boys just before he put the burger into the bag. Hell, I would almost rather that he took the glove off to pick up my burger at that point. Just because he is reusing the same plastic glove that is probably the only one he has ever worn doesn’t mean that it is some kind of magic sterile glove that can never get contaminated. Damn dude, you eat the burger then.
So there is no telling what happens that we never see while waiting in the drive-thru.
Enjoy your lunch!
Don’t get dead
I just had this feeling that my order was going to be wrong or something so I was watching him as he was ringing up orders and filling them. So as I am watching I see him get a tray ready, open a bag, scratch his nuts, put a burger into the bag and call my number. OH HELL NO. So I tell him that I got to speak to his manager. After a dirty look he calls the manager over and mumbles some crap.
So the manager comes over and ask me what he could do for me and I told him that I was going to need a new burger. Of course he ask why and I tell him that his employee just scratched his balls then put my burger in the bag.
The manager actually had the audacity to tell me, “Sir, he is wearing a plastic glove”. Dude, I see the glove, the glove is what touched his boys just before he put the burger into the bag. Hell, I would almost rather that he took the glove off to pick up my burger at that point. Just because he is reusing the same plastic glove that is probably the only one he has ever worn doesn’t mean that it is some kind of magic sterile glove that can never get contaminated. Damn dude, you eat the burger then.
So there is no telling what happens that we never see while waiting in the drive-thru.
Enjoy your lunch!
Don’t get dead
Monday, January 05, 2009
Snuggie and other stupid crap
We have all seen the commercial for the “Snuggie” right? Where the woman is unhappy about having to pay her electric bill so she keeps the house cold in the winter time. And then the announcer comes out and tells you how the “Snuggie” is a blanket with sleeves. We have all seen this stupid ass commercial right? Is it just me or is the “Snuggie” just a bath robe put on backwards? What a novel “invention” (insert eye roll here)! How bloody stupid do you have to be to go out and buy one of these?
And while we are on it, since it is a backwards bath robe without a belt when you get up aren’t you going to be cold again? Just like wearing a hospital gown.
Let’s look at this with some common sense shall we. First off, they just started offering this stupid thing in December. You know, when it is already cold. Then the small print says to add 2 to 6 weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?! Do the math, that’s mid-February if you order right now. You really think that a terry cloth bath robe is going to keep you warm in February?
Additionally, if you do the math the “Snuggie” is $19.95 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA) plus $7.95 for shipping. So that is $27.90 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA). Since it is already January, are you really going to save roughly $30 is your heating bill by turning your heat down a little between now and mid-February? You know, the very coldest part of the year, where you heat is going to run anyway? Oh and if you don’t live alone you got to dish out another $7.95 for one more, what if you live with 4 other people? Seriously, do the math, how much are you going to save?
It’s also kind of funny that you have a 30 day money back guarantee but may take six weeks to get to you, nice touch Snuggie. Oh and don’t forget that crappy book light. I would love to have been in the marketing meeting that produced this. Who was their target audience? The mentally handicapped?
You know what, I got a closet full of “Snuggies” in a lot more colors than the three that they offer on TV. And I will get them to you a hell of a lot quicker than six weeks. So send me $20 bucks and I will send you a robe, uhh, I mean a “Snuggie”. And if you order now, I will give you the opportunity to order our new two piece, fully enclosed “Snuggie” called sweatpants and a sweatshirt or sweater.
Oh and the “Shamwow”, give me a break. Shammys have been around for years and years. If I went to one of my friend’s house and they had a “Shamwow” as a bathmat I would laugh right in their face.
The people who buy this stuff must be the tinfoil hat wearing population of America.
But the worst of all is the late night electric wheelchair commercials from the Scooter Store. Have you seen the one where it looks like they left the door to the old folk’s home open? They show all of these senior citizens roaming town in their “powerchair”. First off, my grandmother had one of these and she couldn’t drive it for shit. You could tell everywhere she had been because the walls where all fucked up where she was running into stuff. Since she couldn’t drive it in her house, do you really think ANYONE would let her drive it to town? Where other cars where? And secondly it looks like a geriatric biker gang. They looked like the Hells Door Step Angels. Come on Scooter Store, do you watch your own commercials? If you really wanted to show what life with a powerchair is like, show the old people riding them with motorcycle helmets on and offer some kind of discount on doorframe repair. Oh and Scooter Store, just as a bit of free advice your R&D department might want to take a look at bumper cars. Seriously, pad the edges.
Oh and the damn watering globe, Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ, how lazy are you that you can’t pour some water into a pot every now and then. Shit, do like we do, just let them die a quick death. Don’t fill the plant with false hope that it might actually live.
But I do want one of those sliders grill things.
Don’t get dead
And while we are on it, since it is a backwards bath robe without a belt when you get up aren’t you going to be cold again? Just like wearing a hospital gown.
Let’s look at this with some common sense shall we. First off, they just started offering this stupid thing in December. You know, when it is already cold. Then the small print says to add 2 to 6 weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?! Do the math, that’s mid-February if you order right now. You really think that a terry cloth bath robe is going to keep you warm in February?
Additionally, if you do the math the “Snuggie” is $19.95 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA) plus $7.95 for shipping. So that is $27.90 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA). Since it is already January, are you really going to save roughly $30 is your heating bill by turning your heat down a little between now and mid-February? You know, the very coldest part of the year, where you heat is going to run anyway? Oh and if you don’t live alone you got to dish out another $7.95 for one more, what if you live with 4 other people? Seriously, do the math, how much are you going to save?
It’s also kind of funny that you have a 30 day money back guarantee but may take six weeks to get to you, nice touch Snuggie. Oh and don’t forget that crappy book light. I would love to have been in the marketing meeting that produced this. Who was their target audience? The mentally handicapped?
You know what, I got a closet full of “Snuggies” in a lot more colors than the three that they offer on TV. And I will get them to you a hell of a lot quicker than six weeks. So send me $20 bucks and I will send you a robe, uhh, I mean a “Snuggie”. And if you order now, I will give you the opportunity to order our new two piece, fully enclosed “Snuggie” called sweatpants and a sweatshirt or sweater.
Oh and the “Shamwow”, give me a break. Shammys have been around for years and years. If I went to one of my friend’s house and they had a “Shamwow” as a bathmat I would laugh right in their face.
The people who buy this stuff must be the tinfoil hat wearing population of America.
But the worst of all is the late night electric wheelchair commercials from the Scooter Store. Have you seen the one where it looks like they left the door to the old folk’s home open? They show all of these senior citizens roaming town in their “powerchair”. First off, my grandmother had one of these and she couldn’t drive it for shit. You could tell everywhere she had been because the walls where all fucked up where she was running into stuff. Since she couldn’t drive it in her house, do you really think ANYONE would let her drive it to town? Where other cars where? And secondly it looks like a geriatric biker gang. They looked like the Hells Door Step Angels. Come on Scooter Store, do you watch your own commercials? If you really wanted to show what life with a powerchair is like, show the old people riding them with motorcycle helmets on and offer some kind of discount on doorframe repair. Oh and Scooter Store, just as a bit of free advice your R&D department might want to take a look at bumper cars. Seriously, pad the edges.
Oh and the damn watering globe, Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ, how lazy are you that you can’t pour some water into a pot every now and then. Shit, do like we do, just let them die a quick death. Don’t fill the plant with false hope that it might actually live.
But I do want one of those sliders grill things.
Don’t get dead
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Just don’t talk to me!!
As I have written about before, sometimes things in the bathroom are funny. Mash here and here and here and here and here and finally here.
But damnit dude, don’t talk to me while I am peeing! I don’t want to talk about plans for the upcoming weekend/holiday, I don’t give a damn what your kids did in soccer OR basketball, I don’t want a recap of a recent meeting, I don’t want to hear about some new restaurant that you took your wife too and I damn sure don’t want to discuss the weather with you. I just want to piss, wash my hands and get out of there. I am not hanging out in the shiter because I think it’s cool, I just want to drop off what ever it is I came in there to drop off and leave. If you ask me what my upcoming plans are while I am holding my junk, you are going to get a very honest answer and you’re probably not going to like it. So if I hear, “hey man, got any plans for the big weekend?” while I am holding my dork, the response you get might be, “I think I am going to try to stick this in my wife”. Just letting you know. There is no need for epic conversations while in the head, that is gay.
And if you see me go into a stall you better damn sure not strike up a little chat because at the very most you will get a grunt or some sort of animal noise out of me and that’s about it.
I now know why monkeys throw shit. It’s to get you to leave them the hell alone while they are taking a dump. Damn, can I get no peace?
Don’t talk to me in the can.
And
Don’t get dead
But damnit dude, don’t talk to me while I am peeing! I don’t want to talk about plans for the upcoming weekend/holiday, I don’t give a damn what your kids did in soccer OR basketball, I don’t want a recap of a recent meeting, I don’t want to hear about some new restaurant that you took your wife too and I damn sure don’t want to discuss the weather with you. I just want to piss, wash my hands and get out of there. I am not hanging out in the shiter because I think it’s cool, I just want to drop off what ever it is I came in there to drop off and leave. If you ask me what my upcoming plans are while I am holding my junk, you are going to get a very honest answer and you’re probably not going to like it. So if I hear, “hey man, got any plans for the big weekend?” while I am holding my dork, the response you get might be, “I think I am going to try to stick this in my wife”. Just letting you know. There is no need for epic conversations while in the head, that is gay.
And if you see me go into a stall you better damn sure not strike up a little chat because at the very most you will get a grunt or some sort of animal noise out of me and that’s about it.
I now know why monkeys throw shit. It’s to get you to leave them the hell alone while they are taking a dump. Damn, can I get no peace?
Don’t talk to me in the can.
And
Don’t get dead
Saturday, November 29, 2008
People in the south are trendsetters
I know that the south has this reputation of being backwards and slow but when you examine it, they really are trendsetters, at least in areas of things for the house.
For instance, when I was young most houses had three bed rooms max, so what did people in the south do? They closed in the garage making a fourth bed room. And if that wasn’t enough they would take and close in the back patio, creating another room, which could be a bed room. Now, most houses in this area are at lest four bed rooms.
And I can remember seeing old claw foot bath tubs out in the yard where the home owner would fill it with water so that the sun could heat the water. What do you know, that was the first hot tub! Now people everywhere have hot tubs.
It was also common to see people with sinks, stoves, big grills, deep fryers and so on in their back yards. Now people call them outdoor kitchens. People called them redneck, little did they know that they were ahead of their time!
When I was growing up you could drive out in the country and see people with sofas, tables and chairs on their porch and patios. Well what do you know, those were outdoor living areas, which are one of the hottest trends now. Coincidence? I think not! Matter of fact, I heard a guy from England say how impressed he was with people in the south because they had so much money that they could buy furniture that they didn’t have room for in their house.
I am not here to try to bust any stereotypes here, I just saying … :)
Don’t get dead
For instance, when I was young most houses had three bed rooms max, so what did people in the south do? They closed in the garage making a fourth bed room. And if that wasn’t enough they would take and close in the back patio, creating another room, which could be a bed room. Now, most houses in this area are at lest four bed rooms.
And I can remember seeing old claw foot bath tubs out in the yard where the home owner would fill it with water so that the sun could heat the water. What do you know, that was the first hot tub! Now people everywhere have hot tubs.
It was also common to see people with sinks, stoves, big grills, deep fryers and so on in their back yards. Now people call them outdoor kitchens. People called them redneck, little did they know that they were ahead of their time!
When I was growing up you could drive out in the country and see people with sofas, tables and chairs on their porch and patios. Well what do you know, those were outdoor living areas, which are one of the hottest trends now. Coincidence? I think not! Matter of fact, I heard a guy from England say how impressed he was with people in the south because they had so much money that they could buy furniture that they didn’t have room for in their house.
I am not here to try to bust any stereotypes here, I just saying … :)
Don’t get dead
Monday, November 17, 2008
It is to laugh
Traffic fatalities have got to be about to go up. Why? Because of this new car rim. You see in this world of “look at me” minded people who are already preoccupied with their cell phones while driving, this mobile distraction called the “Pimpstar”, is going to really jack up the fatality rates.
I would guess that they are going to jack up auto theft totals as well.
I don’t dislike the rims, I just know that the legions of mindless goobs that freely roam the highways and who aren’t bright enough to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them are not going to pay attention to the small things like, oh I don’t know, other cars on the road, red lights and things like that. I mean I see accidents where phones are to blame all the time around here.
And you thought those stupid-ass spinners where bad.
So ladies and gentlemen, buckle up and this time I mean it...
Don’t get dead!
I would guess that they are going to jack up auto theft totals as well.
I don’t dislike the rims, I just know that the legions of mindless goobs that freely roam the highways and who aren’t bright enough to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them are not going to pay attention to the small things like, oh I don’t know, other cars on the road, red lights and things like that. I mean I see accidents where phones are to blame all the time around here.
And you thought those stupid-ass spinners where bad.
So ladies and gentlemen, buckle up and this time I mean it...
Don’t get dead!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Some people
I don’t know if it is that I attract some of the most “interesting” people in the world or if other people just brush of stuff that I fixate on, but I have heard people say things that astonish me. I am not talking anything that is stunning to hear, just pompous.
For example, while talking to this guy at a party once he tells me, “I am really funny”. Now this was during a conversation, he didn’t just walk up to me and proclaim his inherent hilarity. But I had to ask if people tell him that he was funny all of the time and that’s why he said it and he tells me, “No, I just know that I am funny”. A dumbass is what you are. If no one tells you that you are funny but you “know” that you are funny, you’re an idiot.
Don’t get me wrong, I think people should be proud of who they are but there comes a point where pride is taken over by ignorance.
Just like another time I was talking to a different guy and he was telling me how smart he was. Something like this:
Him – “Yeah, I know I am smarter than most people”
Me – “Really, how is that?”
Him – “Well I have a genius IQ”
Granted genius boy did go and graduate from college but it’s not like he went to MIT or any of the Ivy League schools. And matter of fact, I know that he spent several months in jail. Which is sad because it means that he isn’t smart enough to not get caught and I know dumbasses who have done illegal stuff and didn’t get caught.
What is it that causes some people to come out and blatantly brag on themselves like that? Is something missing from their life and the feel the need to compensate? Or is it that I give off the “enlighten me with your greatest skill” vibe or what? Typically if you watch award shows of interviews with some athletes the person receiving the praise is a bit humbled. I know not always but they are also either giving an acceptance speech or being interviewed. I doubt highly that Peyton Manning comes up to people at parties and says, “You know, I am a pretty damn spectacular football player”.
The thing that is funny about all of this is that, at least in my experiences, these people are dead wrong. Smart guy went to jail, funny dude is more like sad and every chick that I know who bragged on how well they gave head was wrong too. I just wish people would go in the other direction. Tell me what you do really shitty so I wont even consider asking you to do that.
If some guy came up to me and told me that he couldn’t cook to save his life, I would take his word for it and I wouldn’t come over for dinner. And if some dude told me that he was bad with money I wouldn’t take investment tips from him. If some guy where to tell me, “Man, I can’t fly for shit” I wouldn’t let him pilot a plane that I was going to travel in. But they don’t people only tell you self-inflating things.
Oh and something’s that aren’t said but more “presented” to the public are just as bad. Look, if you feel that you are the best looking thing to ever walk the earth and there isn’t a humble bone in your body, I got some bad news for you. Don’t get me wrong, confidence is sexy, very sexy. But overconfidence is comical, VERY comical. And while I am on the looks/sex appeal thing, I know that I am not the most studly man in the history of the world, but I don’t perceive myself like that either, so I got a little room to talk. Some of you people out there need mirrors, grooming tips and fashion advice.
Guys, trim your damn nose hair. Make it a habbit. And fellas if you ride with the windows down in your car, carry a brush. I doubt highly anyone goes into Toni & Guy asking for the Buckwheat hair style. And guys, since the weather is getting cooler, don’t wear your gold chains on the outside of your turtle neck shirts. This includes mock turtle neck shirts as well. What else, oh yeah, if you are going to wear sandals trim those damn Fritos scoops toenails.
Ladies, I got some advice for you too. First off, if your tits are touching your belt while you are standing straight up, you need a bra that fits right. Spend the couple of extra bucks and stop bra shopping at the dollar store. And if you do fit this mold, don’t you even think about wearing a low cut top, udder cleavage is nasty. You probably got some kind of tit-cheese growing in there and that is nasty. I love a good set of boobs (do I ever!), but if your girls look like a potato hanging in a pair of pantyhose no one wants to see that. Secondly, you know when your roots are showing just like the rest of us do, fix them. And just because something comes in your size don’t mean that it is appropriate for you to wear it. I could get my big ass in a thong Speedo bathing suit, but I don’t. Mainly because I don’t want to mentally scar anyone. And finally, work the features that you get compliments on. Not compliments from your mom or your boyfriend/husband but compliments from everyone. If you ask your husband if your ass looks big and he tells you no and that he loves your ass because you got a sexy ass, he is trying to avoid hurting your feelings. But if a casual co-worker tells you that your butt looks good while you are at lunch or in the ladies room or something like that, go with it. Promote your assets, so to speak. But just because your ass or chest is big by no circumstance means that it is attractive. Again, if you are the only one who thinks it, don’t accentuate or promote it.
I don’t know, I could be wrong.
Don’t get dead.
For example, while talking to this guy at a party once he tells me, “I am really funny”. Now this was during a conversation, he didn’t just walk up to me and proclaim his inherent hilarity. But I had to ask if people tell him that he was funny all of the time and that’s why he said it and he tells me, “No, I just know that I am funny”. A dumbass is what you are. If no one tells you that you are funny but you “know” that you are funny, you’re an idiot.
Don’t get me wrong, I think people should be proud of who they are but there comes a point where pride is taken over by ignorance.
Just like another time I was talking to a different guy and he was telling me how smart he was. Something like this:
Him – “Yeah, I know I am smarter than most people”
Me – “Really, how is that?”
Him – “Well I have a genius IQ”
Granted genius boy did go and graduate from college but it’s not like he went to MIT or any of the Ivy League schools. And matter of fact, I know that he spent several months in jail. Which is sad because it means that he isn’t smart enough to not get caught and I know dumbasses who have done illegal stuff and didn’t get caught.
What is it that causes some people to come out and blatantly brag on themselves like that? Is something missing from their life and the feel the need to compensate? Or is it that I give off the “enlighten me with your greatest skill” vibe or what? Typically if you watch award shows of interviews with some athletes the person receiving the praise is a bit humbled. I know not always but they are also either giving an acceptance speech or being interviewed. I doubt highly that Peyton Manning comes up to people at parties and says, “You know, I am a pretty damn spectacular football player”.
The thing that is funny about all of this is that, at least in my experiences, these people are dead wrong. Smart guy went to jail, funny dude is more like sad and every chick that I know who bragged on how well they gave head was wrong too. I just wish people would go in the other direction. Tell me what you do really shitty so I wont even consider asking you to do that.
If some guy came up to me and told me that he couldn’t cook to save his life, I would take his word for it and I wouldn’t come over for dinner. And if some dude told me that he was bad with money I wouldn’t take investment tips from him. If some guy where to tell me, “Man, I can’t fly for shit” I wouldn’t let him pilot a plane that I was going to travel in. But they don’t people only tell you self-inflating things.
Oh and something’s that aren’t said but more “presented” to the public are just as bad. Look, if you feel that you are the best looking thing to ever walk the earth and there isn’t a humble bone in your body, I got some bad news for you. Don’t get me wrong, confidence is sexy, very sexy. But overconfidence is comical, VERY comical. And while I am on the looks/sex appeal thing, I know that I am not the most studly man in the history of the world, but I don’t perceive myself like that either, so I got a little room to talk. Some of you people out there need mirrors, grooming tips and fashion advice.
Guys, trim your damn nose hair. Make it a habbit. And fellas if you ride with the windows down in your car, carry a brush. I doubt highly anyone goes into Toni & Guy asking for the Buckwheat hair style. And guys, since the weather is getting cooler, don’t wear your gold chains on the outside of your turtle neck shirts. This includes mock turtle neck shirts as well. What else, oh yeah, if you are going to wear sandals trim those damn Fritos scoops toenails.
Ladies, I got some advice for you too. First off, if your tits are touching your belt while you are standing straight up, you need a bra that fits right. Spend the couple of extra bucks and stop bra shopping at the dollar store. And if you do fit this mold, don’t you even think about wearing a low cut top, udder cleavage is nasty. You probably got some kind of tit-cheese growing in there and that is nasty. I love a good set of boobs (do I ever!), but if your girls look like a potato hanging in a pair of pantyhose no one wants to see that. Secondly, you know when your roots are showing just like the rest of us do, fix them. And just because something comes in your size don’t mean that it is appropriate for you to wear it. I could get my big ass in a thong Speedo bathing suit, but I don’t. Mainly because I don’t want to mentally scar anyone. And finally, work the features that you get compliments on. Not compliments from your mom or your boyfriend/husband but compliments from everyone. If you ask your husband if your ass looks big and he tells you no and that he loves your ass because you got a sexy ass, he is trying to avoid hurting your feelings. But if a casual co-worker tells you that your butt looks good while you are at lunch or in the ladies room or something like that, go with it. Promote your assets, so to speak. But just because your ass or chest is big by no circumstance means that it is attractive. Again, if you are the only one who thinks it, don’t accentuate or promote it.
I don’t know, I could be wrong.
Don’t get dead.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Dear Sweezey - Settle this argument
Dear Sweezey,
My wife and I keep a very clean home. Inside and out. Our garage is in order and we're both good about immediately returning things back where they belong. She changes the sheets at least every 2-3 nights. Since the first day we moved in together, she's made sure I don't leave clothes on the floor. There's a hamper in our bathroom and one in our closet for dirty clothes. I've always done my part and helped out. Our problem is...she doesn't agree with my pissing in the shower or in the sink. We have a double (his/her) vanity and I piss in the sink we never use. I rinse it out very thoroughly and although I don't do it to keep our water bill down, it is cheaper than flushing an entire toilet bowl of water away. Am I the only one that does this? I know many peolple piss in the shower, but she doesn't like that either. And no, this is not bait. I told her last week I was going to ask others opinions on this here on your site.
Thanks,
Pisser
Dear Pisser,
You are nasty. You may say that you clean this or that but you are nasty. Damn man, have you no shame? What kind of twisted home life are you into? I know that you say that you never use it but man there have got to be germs in and near that sink. I mean it does splatter and where do you keep your toothbrush? I keep mine right by the sink. Do you think there is a chance that a droplet of your wee may have bounced over to and landed right on your toothbrush? Regardless of expense or whatever your reason is, how about just don’t do it because it’s gross you cromag. And it may not be cheaper depending on the type of toilet that you have and how much water you use to “thoroughly” rinse it out. But that is beside the point, how about you take a leak in the toilet because that is what it is made for. By your logic why don’t you just go pee in the washing machine? It has a rinse cycle. Yeah your backwards ass logic doesn’t work when it is used against you does it?
But yeah, the shower is fine, everyone does that. :)
Cormag
- Sweezey
As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice (or to settle where to pee) on anything. All names and e-mail address are kept private, I just address you how you sign your e-mail.
Don’t get dead
My wife and I keep a very clean home. Inside and out. Our garage is in order and we're both good about immediately returning things back where they belong. She changes the sheets at least every 2-3 nights. Since the first day we moved in together, she's made sure I don't leave clothes on the floor. There's a hamper in our bathroom and one in our closet for dirty clothes. I've always done my part and helped out. Our problem is...she doesn't agree with my pissing in the shower or in the sink. We have a double (his/her) vanity and I piss in the sink we never use. I rinse it out very thoroughly and although I don't do it to keep our water bill down, it is cheaper than flushing an entire toilet bowl of water away. Am I the only one that does this? I know many peolple piss in the shower, but she doesn't like that either. And no, this is not bait. I told her last week I was going to ask others opinions on this here on your site.
Thanks,
Pisser
Dear Pisser,
You are nasty. You may say that you clean this or that but you are nasty. Damn man, have you no shame? What kind of twisted home life are you into? I know that you say that you never use it but man there have got to be germs in and near that sink. I mean it does splatter and where do you keep your toothbrush? I keep mine right by the sink. Do you think there is a chance that a droplet of your wee may have bounced over to and landed right on your toothbrush? Regardless of expense or whatever your reason is, how about just don’t do it because it’s gross you cromag. And it may not be cheaper depending on the type of toilet that you have and how much water you use to “thoroughly” rinse it out. But that is beside the point, how about you take a leak in the toilet because that is what it is made for. By your logic why don’t you just go pee in the washing machine? It has a rinse cycle. Yeah your backwards ass logic doesn’t work when it is used against you does it?
But yeah, the shower is fine, everyone does that. :)
Cormag
- Sweezey
As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice (or to settle where to pee) on anything. All names and e-mail address are kept private, I just address you how you sign your e-mail.
Don’t get dead
Monday, October 20, 2008
Dear Sweezey – Conflicted
Dear Sweezey,
I have a problem. I like to watch incest and alien Hentai porn while having intercourse with a microwaved cucumber that has a 5mm hole drilled in it. My problem is my microwave broke and I don't know if I should go with a cheap model or upgrade. Thanks for the advice.
- Conflicted in Circuit City
Dear Con,
To answer you question, I first have to ask you a question. What the fuck is alien Hentai porn?
And I got bad news for you bro, a five millimeter hole is a really little hole. Sorry to hear of your misfortune.
I personally think that you should go for the upgrade, hell get an industrial strength microwave. And be sure to nuke that cucumber for a really long time, at least 15 minutes, and then just stick your dork right in it as soon as the timer goes off.
Obviously I know that you are not really doing this but the mental image of some jackass scalding their pecker because they like to get off with vegetation humors me.
- Sweezey
As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice on ANYTHING. I won’t use your name or e-mail, only how you sign the e-mail.
Don’t get dead
I have a problem. I like to watch incest and alien Hentai porn while having intercourse with a microwaved cucumber that has a 5mm hole drilled in it. My problem is my microwave broke and I don't know if I should go with a cheap model or upgrade. Thanks for the advice.
- Conflicted in Circuit City
Dear Con,
To answer you question, I first have to ask you a question. What the fuck is alien Hentai porn?
And I got bad news for you bro, a five millimeter hole is a really little hole. Sorry to hear of your misfortune.
I personally think that you should go for the upgrade, hell get an industrial strength microwave. And be sure to nuke that cucumber for a really long time, at least 15 minutes, and then just stick your dork right in it as soon as the timer goes off.
Obviously I know that you are not really doing this but the mental image of some jackass scalding their pecker because they like to get off with vegetation humors me.
- Sweezey
As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice on ANYTHING. I won’t use your name or e-mail, only how you sign the e-mail.
Don’t get dead
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