Dear Sweezey - Anyone where CONTACT LENSES if so could you help me here?? (My first time...)

Dear Sweezey,

Ok, well Im needing to get GLASSES bad as to I am blind as a bat lol. My question is, where is the best place to go get an EXAM, AND GET CONTACT LENSES that are affordable and good? But here is the thing, I know you have your DAILIES, WEEKS, THROW AWAYS ETC, BUT WTF DO I CHOOSE?? AND HOW DO I DO IT?

I want ones that I can get like six months, hell even up to a year at a time, but Id be grateful for SIX MONTHS at a time! Also, how much do they usually cost? I was wanting to get colored ones too. Im just trying to weigh my options as to where to go.

And YES, I CAN AFFORD EVERYTHING!!!

Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am going to go easy on you for the spelling and grammar on this one. But after reading your letter my best advice to you would be to go to A FUCKING OPTOMETRIST! Just an idea.

I swear I am starting to worry about you people. Do you all live under powerlines? Does your microwave have a door that actually closes? Eat a lot of paint chips or someting?

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - The Whole Plunging Neckline on a XXXL Spaghetti Strap Tank Top Thing?

Dear Sweezey,

On Monday I was returning to Florida from Chicago. I am at the airport. It is 35 degrees outside and 3 inches of snow in April. It is windy and cold.

I am looking at a very overweight hispanic girl, maybe in her mid-twenties with a black tank top on. She has her hair done up like pom-poms on the top of her head. Her black jeans are way too tight and her waistband is folded over, under her gut. This is a very tight tank top. With a very plunging neckline. This very tight tank top has spaghetti straps. All I see is sweaty, untanned flesh and an amazingly large gap where the cleavage should be. Her boobs are spread apart and sagging, unsupported, braless and resting upon her rolls. I cannot quite distinguish where her boobs and her rolls are supposed to be separated. They are all flabby and resting upon themselves.

The fact she's out like this in 35 degrees is one thing, but out in public dressed like this is another. All this in itself is a little curious.

But she also has a pink bra strap sticking out off her shoulder, like, perpindicular to her arm. Obviously not supporting anything that should have been supported since she was eight years old. "Gross," I said out loud to nobody listening, "At least go fix that strap."

My plane is delayed and for an hour, and the heifer in the black tank top does not fix her bra strap. She doesn't fix her bra strap!

We board the plane and lo' n' behold guess who is on my flight and guess who cannot walk down the aisle without turning sideways? She is so big, she cannot walk straight down the aisle. With her tight ol' black tank top and plunging neckline she is whacking the sides of the poor people in the aisleway...

I can only say that I am glad I did not have an aisle seat. What if I didn't see her coming, and my mouth was open? All I saw were aisle-seated-men with grimaces on their faces as they dodged the oncoming blubber of flesh and boobage.

!WITH THE PINK STRAP STILL STICKING OUT HALFWAY DOWN HER ARM!

Please help me understand why a woman would do this?!

Living on the beach, I've begun to wonder why bikini manufacturers would actually market a flesh colored bikini in a size 14 or larger.

This just reinforces my confusion. Please help me. Gawd, I hope she's not related you.

This isn't something I can blog about on my blog because I only have a readership of 3 and one is my sister and one is my mom. Thanks for following me. It's nice to have someone to turn to.

Sincerely,

Thedadmandiaries

Dear Thedadmandiaries,

Sorry that I am late responding to this, every time I read the description I kept throwing up.

Did you read my post on MILFs? That is exactly what I am talking about. What has happened is that someone, even harder up than she is, told Senioretta Sasquach that she was either hot, sexy, fine, beautiful or whatever and she believed them.

And real quick, hell no she isn’t related to me.

Had to clear that up real quick. Now back to your questions, when you visibly can’t tell where the tits end and the gut begins it is obvious that there is a sever lack of self respect. Anyone who doesn’t respect themselves always has an attitude/perception problem with the rest of society. And if they don’t respect themselves they are not going to respect your senses, vision or any others. $100 says she was loud and smelled too. Plus she probably thought that the bra strap, low neck line and painted on jeans were “sexy”. And she thinks so because at least once in her past someone was nice to her and told her that she was sexy.

I firmly believe that it’s these hard up little F’ers who are fully to blame for this. They feed (pun intended) this nasty women what they want to hear and then these half tons of fun start to believe it. I know these dudes want to get laid but people in hell want ice water too. If these dudes would stay out of the chat rooms and gaming message boards and join the rest of normal society the world would be a better place. You see it is circular. Poindexter is on a mission to have sex at least once before he dies that he will tell any woman anything that she wants to her so that she will give him some. And desperation breeds persistency and changes your perception. Sort of like if you were starving a steak from the waffle house would taste fantastic, but if you were just a little hungry it would make you want to barf. Get what I mean? So here the geeks feed the freaks ego enough to cause the freaks to believe what the geeks tell them. If someone told you that you were the best at something and they told you over and over again, you would start to believe them. Look at professional athletes and the egos that they have. Same thing with Mount St Saggy. So now she thinks that she is hot and that she has to have hot girl attitude. A la the bra strap. She was teasing you with her sexiness.

Now onto the flesh colored bikini. It’s simple actually, the bikini makers know that they can charge a premium for the plus size bikini version of a normal bikini and they will get it too. It amazes me how backwards socity is, it is like pulling hens teeth to get the women you want to see nude out of their clothes and you can’t keep the ones you don’t want to see covered up enough.

I fully believe that there should be an exam for lots of things and clothing is one of them. Take bras for example, if you have to pour yourself or perform some sort of coordinated crane dance to get a bra on you should not be allowed to own, wear or borrow a sexy bra or a push up bra. If there is enough of an altitude change that your boobs experience a climate change, sorry no sexy undies for you! Its granny panties and those lunch lady bras from the Sears catalog. And you damn sure better not have a belly button ring!

Same goes for low cut tops, tight pants, and thongs. You should at least have to fill out some sort of form that has to be approved.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Question about divorce, and kids

Dear Sweezey,

The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.

- Decisions from the courts

Dear Decisions from the courts,

Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?

I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.

I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.

Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.

So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

86 Rules of boozing

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

Dear Sweezey Prostitution/Dating

Dear Sweezey,

I see a Women I think she is sexy,attractive etc: as a single man I ask her out knowing I want to have Sex with her 7 she knows she wants the same. So we go to dinner,movies etc: I might spend hundreds of dollars before we have sex & I might not all women are different in that way but they to want the sex...............................I see a Pic & info on a web site of a attractive sexy women up front I know for $100 I can have sex immediatly is there really that much difference ...........between the women I have to spend money on or the women I just give it to! Just a thought??

- Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

The difference is that the hookers you are looking at online will do anyone or anything with the cash. And the girls who you take to dinner and so on won’t have sex with a illiterate moron like yourself in fear that one of your retarded super sperm actually reaching their egg.

I hope that they talk you into taking them to the best places in town and that they are some how able to keep stringing you along long enough to spend every penny you have on them.

Maybe if you took the time and effort that you are spending on trying to get laid and focused it on making a better person out of yourself your luck might change. Apparently you are not graced with rugged good lucks or personality, at all, in the very least.

Try letting the big head do the thinking for a while, we got more than enough idiots in this world already.

- Sweezey

Email me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

To set the record straight

Women, this is for you. And while I can appreciate and admire confidence in a woman, just because you squatted out a kid does NOT instantly make you a milf. I have seen blogs where women consider themselves to be hot and call themselves milfs. While some one dude will F you, don’t mean that most men would. Just means that you found someone more hard up for sex than you.

So while “technically” you could be considered a milf by one dude, don’t go out and sell yourself as one. You are making yourself look idiotic and ruining the good reputation of the true milf.

Same thing for you old chicks who think you are a cougar. If you don’t have a large number of average or above looking guys (societies standards on looks, not yours) hitting you on, you are not a milf or a cougar or whatever.

And to touch base on something that I wrote about a while back, low cut tops aren’t for everyone. If you got big boobs, that’s great. But if your boobs get caught in your belt, I don’t want to see them. I damn sure don’t want to see them if they have stretch marks on them. Just remember that some of us may have just eaten.

While we are on the low cut tops thing, if you do wear a low cut top you damn sure better not get pissed if you catch some dude looking at your boobs. If he was there with his dork out he would expect you to look. And you didn’t wear that shirt so that you wouldn’t get seen. We both know that you wore it on purpose, ease up and let them look.

Now if you do have a nice body and want to show it off that’s great. But if you had any sort of surgery to get said body (which I got no problem with at all!!) don’t give health/food advice to anyone. Pot meet kettle if you know where I am coming from.

Again, love confidence hate ignorance. Learn the difference.

Oh and if you are fat, work with what you got. I know that “fashion experts” say that black makes you look slimmer but it does not make you look slim. There is only so much that a color can do for you. If you are a big girl and you dress in all black all the time you don’t look slim, you look like night time.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - My standards must be SO high

Dear Sweezey,

Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!

Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!

If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.

And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.

- Seriously

Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,

First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?

You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.

So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?

Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*

The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.

You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.

Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - I want to sell my kidneys!!!!

Dear Sweezey,

I want to sell my kidneys. Can I get money for one of my kidneys?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’ll give you a dollar for one or $20 for the set, but only if you take them out yourself.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweeezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - hmmmm..

Dear Sweezey,

How is it that you can give a 16 paragraph dissertation on Dora the Explorer and a 2 sentence answer to the poor "porn" girl.....?

Just Curious!

Dear Just Curious!

There are many many reasons. You see "porn" girl never really asked me a question so I was trying to help her out as best I could with the limited information that I had. How was I to give specific answers to a general statement? I would have to examine every single piece of it. Might even have to bring some of it back to examine it more closely, it is my reputation that is on the line here.

And to really help, I would have to better know what he was looking at. I mean she did say that she was pretty, I have to verify this. What if she is oblivious to the fact that she looks like hell on toast? That would explain it all right there. Or what if he was looking at shit like midgets? That would mean that he is a freaky little fucker and she's not weird enough for him. You see it could be something on either side of the relationship. She might look like a troll’s turd or he might really be into some fetish stuff. Who knows?

Oh and even if you count the "Don't get dead" tag line as a paragraph it's only a 13 paragraph dissertation smart ass. Learn to count. But keep those e-mails coming!

- Sweezey

Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - Porn

Dear Sweezey,

my boyfriend of 4 years gets high and spends several hours a week looking at nude pics of women and porn...and he has a massive collection of pics and videos from the internet...i'm a pretty woman and we have a great sex life... it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like i can never measure up.


curious cindy


Dear Curious Cindy,

You say he has a massive collection huh... hmm, not sure that I can help without examining his collection. I may have to come over and examine it to be able to properly advise you.

- Sweezey


Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - No Loving

Dear Sweezey,

My wife of 20 years tells me she no longer has any interest in sex, but that she will "do it" occasionally to meet my needs.

Before that, sex has gone from several times a week to about once a month... not my choice, but daily headaches, backaches, just b4 bed arguments, etc., are becoming the norm

What am I to do with this new information???

- Lost Love

Dear Lost Love,

You said it all when you said you’re married. Deal with it bro.

And you are a grown man, stop this b4 bullshit. Spell it out. Come on, you can do it!

- Sweezey

Don't get dead

Some people

I don’t know if it is that I attract some of the most “interesting” people in the world or if other people just brush of stuff that I fixate on, but I have heard people say things that astonish me. I am not talking anything that is stunning to hear, just pompous.

For example, while talking to this guy at a party once he tells me, “I am really funny”. Now this was during a conversation, he didn’t just walk up to me and proclaim his inherent hilarity. But I had to ask if people tell him that he was funny all of the time and that’s why he said it and he tells me, “No, I just know that I am funny”. A dumbass is what you are. If no one tells you that you are funny but you “know” that you are funny, you’re an idiot.

Don’t get me wrong, I think people should be proud of who they are but there comes a point where pride is taken over by ignorance.

Just like another time I was talking to a different guy and he was telling me how smart he was. Something like this:

Him – “Yeah, I know I am smarter than most people”

Me – “Really, how is that?”

Him – “Well I have a genius IQ”

Granted genius boy did go and graduate from college but it’s not like he went to MIT or any of the Ivy League schools. And matter of fact, I know that he spent several months in jail. Which is sad because it means that he isn’t smart enough to not get caught and I know dumbasses who have done illegal stuff and didn’t get caught.

What is it that causes some people to come out and blatantly brag on themselves like that? Is something missing from their life and the feel the need to compensate? Or is it that I give off the “enlighten me with your greatest skill” vibe or what? Typically if you watch award shows of interviews with some athletes the person receiving the praise is a bit humbled. I know not always but they are also either giving an acceptance speech or being interviewed. I doubt highly that Peyton Manning comes up to people at parties and says, “You know, I am a pretty damn spectacular football player”.

The thing that is funny about all of this is that, at least in my experiences, these people are dead wrong. Smart guy went to jail, funny dude is more like sad and every chick that I know who bragged on how well they gave head was wrong too. I just wish people would go in the other direction. Tell me what you do really shitty so I wont even consider asking you to do that.

If some guy came up to me and told me that he couldn’t cook to save his life, I would take his word for it and I wouldn’t come over for dinner. And if some dude told me that he was bad with money I wouldn’t take investment tips from him. If some guy where to tell me, “Man, I can’t fly for shit” I wouldn’t let him pilot a plane that I was going to travel in. But they don’t people only tell you self-inflating things.

Oh and something’s that aren’t said but more “presented” to the public are just as bad. Look, if you feel that you are the best looking thing to ever walk the earth and there isn’t a humble bone in your body, I got some bad news for you. Don’t get me wrong, confidence is sexy, very sexy. But overconfidence is comical, VERY comical. And while I am on the looks/sex appeal thing, I know that I am not the most studly man in the history of the world, but I don’t perceive myself like that either, so I got a little room to talk. Some of you people out there need mirrors, grooming tips and fashion advice.

Guys, trim your damn nose hair. Make it a habbit. And fellas if you ride with the windows down in your car, carry a brush. I doubt highly anyone goes into Toni & Guy asking for the Buckwheat hair style. And guys, since the weather is getting cooler, don’t wear your gold chains on the outside of your turtle neck shirts. This includes mock turtle neck shirts as well. What else, oh yeah, if you are going to wear sandals trim those damn Fritos scoops toenails.

Ladies, I got some advice for you too. First off, if your tits are touching your belt while you are standing straight up, you need a bra that fits right. Spend the couple of extra bucks and stop bra shopping at the dollar store. And if you do fit this mold, don’t you even think about wearing a low cut top, udder cleavage is nasty. You probably got some kind of tit-cheese growing in there and that is nasty. I love a good set of boobs (do I ever!), but if your girls look like a potato hanging in a pair of pantyhose no one wants to see that. Secondly, you know when your roots are showing just like the rest of us do, fix them. And just because something comes in your size don’t mean that it is appropriate for you to wear it. I could get my big ass in a thong Speedo bathing suit, but I don’t. Mainly because I don’t want to mentally scar anyone. And finally, work the features that you get compliments on. Not compliments from your mom or your boyfriend/husband but compliments from everyone. If you ask your husband if your ass looks big and he tells you no and that he loves your ass because you got a sexy ass, he is trying to avoid hurting your feelings. But if a casual co-worker tells you that your butt looks good while you are at lunch or in the ladies room or something like that, go with it. Promote your assets, so to speak. But just because your ass or chest is big by no circumstance means that it is attractive. Again, if you are the only one who thinks it, don’t accentuate or promote it.

I don’t know, I could be wrong.

Don’t get dead.

Dear Sweezey – My Girlfriend

Dear Sweezey,

My girlfriend is perfect. She's sweet, intelligent, thoughtful and very attractive. I mean, she is so attractive it has gotten to the point of being absurd. I can't introduce her to anybody without the first comment being "wow, she is really pretty" (told to me only of course). Which is nice, but I know her in a much more intimate way and kind of resent that is what people see first.

Anyway, we have been dating for a while now. I'm in love with her and all but why the fuck can't I stop fantasizing about of other women?

I swear, it is getting ridiculous. I can't get on the blue line without eye fucking a woman. And the women I lust after aren't even half as attractive as my girl. I would never cheat but shit, this is getting really out of hand how often I think about nailing other girls.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Thanks,

Bad Boyfriend

Dear Bad Boyfriend,

You have simply out kicked your coverage so to speak. In other words she is too good for you and you should really dump her and seriously downgrade in the looks department. This way you might be happy. If you start dating an ugly girl and you are still eye fucking chicks on the train, maybe you should start to date guys. Plus you probably aren’t any good in bed so you might want to learn to take it in the butt anyway, jackass.

- Sweezey

Fell free to e-mail me for advice at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Settle this argument

Dear Sweezey,

My wife and I keep a very clean home. Inside and out. Our garage is in order and we're both good about immediately returning things back where they belong. She changes the sheets at least every 2-3 nights. Since the first day we moved in together, she's made sure I don't leave clothes on the floor. There's a hamper in our bathroom and one in our closet for dirty clothes. I've always done my part and helped out. Our problem is...she doesn't agree with my pissing in the shower or in the sink. We have a double (his/her) vanity and I piss in the sink we never use. I rinse it out very thoroughly and although I don't do it to keep our water bill down, it is cheaper than flushing an entire toilet bowl of water away. Am I the only one that does this? I know many peolple piss in the shower, but she doesn't like that either. And no, this is not bait. I told her last week I was going to ask others opinions on this here on your site.

Thanks,

Pisser

Dear Pisser,

You are nasty. You may say that you clean this or that but you are nasty. Damn man, have you no shame? What kind of twisted home life are you into? I know that you say that you never use it but man there have got to be germs in and near that sink. I mean it does splatter and where do you keep your toothbrush? I keep mine right by the sink. Do you think there is a chance that a droplet of your wee may have bounced over to and landed right on your toothbrush? Regardless of expense or whatever your reason is, how about just don’t do it because it’s gross you cromag. And it may not be cheaper depending on the type of toilet that you have and how much water you use to “thoroughly” rinse it out. But that is beside the point, how about you take a leak in the toilet because that is what it is made for. By your logic why don’t you just go pee in the washing machine? It has a rinse cycle. Yeah your backwards ass logic doesn’t work when it is used against you does it?

But yeah, the shower is fine, everyone does that. :)

Cormag

- Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice (or to settle where to pee) on anything. All names and e-mail address are kept private, I just address you how you sign your e-mail.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Conflicted

Dear Sweezey,

I have a problem. I like to watch incest and alien Hentai porn while having intercourse with a microwaved cucumber that has a 5mm hole drilled in it. My problem is my microwave broke and I don't know if I should go with a cheap model or upgrade. Thanks for the advice.

- Conflicted in Circuit City

Dear Con,

To answer you question, I first have to ask you a question. What the fuck is alien Hentai porn?

And I got bad news for you bro, a five millimeter hole is a really little hole. Sorry to hear of your misfortune.

I personally think that you should go for the upgrade, hell get an industrial strength microwave. And be sure to nuke that cucumber for a really long time, at least 15 minutes, and then just stick your dork right in it as soon as the timer goes off.

Obviously I know that you are not really doing this but the mental image of some jackass scalding their pecker because they like to get off with vegetation humors me.

- Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice on ANYTHING. I won’t use your name or e-mail, only how you sign the e-mail.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – First Date

Dear Sweezey,

Has it become appropriate all of a sudden to talk about sex and/or past sexual experiences on a first date? The last couple of dates I've been on have for some reason or other turned in this direction. I was always taught that this kind of talk is highly inappropriate and find it disturbing to hear someones sexual history the first time we really talk over dinner or whatever. Am I wrong or just old-fashioned?

- First Dater

Dear First Dater,

Let me guess, you are doing a bit of cyber dating are ya? Maybe if you weren’t surfing in a sea of horndogs and had a personality, looks and a brain, you wouldn’t have to seek out the pervs of the world. You really can’t complain about the HNGs (Horny Net Geeks) wanting to get into your tuffskins if you are going to invade their world. You went into the lion’s den with a big steak so to speak.

And when they were giving you their history, I am assuming that they are trying to impress you with their mack daddy skils. You know, you should be mesmerized by how the women in their past where at their mercy. I mean who isn’t impressed by their dinner date reaching level 110 of World of Warcraft or being an admin of not only their own but three other chat rooms?

You’re not wrong or old-fashioned, you are just oblivious to the world around you. Think about it, what is the #1 thing that the internet is used for? That’s right, porn. So what makes you think that the legions of wackoff warriors are going to take it slow? Hell, they think that every girl on the net is just like the ones in the pics/movies that they download. You know, the milf hunter, bangbus and so on.

All you really have to do is to think. If you wanted to meet a guy who liked books, wouldn’t you hang out in bookstores or libraries? If you wanted to meet a guy who was into health and fitness, wouldn’t you hang out in health clubs and health food stores? So wouldn’t you think that hanging out on dating websites you would attract HNGs?

Maybe you should read some of my other Dear Sweezey postings. It’s not rocket science.

- Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail me at DearSweezey@gmail.com for advice on ANYTHING. I won’t use your name or e-mail, only how you sign the e-mail.

Don’t get dead

Tips from the best

I have several interests that I am pretty good at, photography, golf, working on cars, cooking and so on. But one of the things that I am great at is being a dick. Dick, a-hole, jerk, fucker, punk, S.O.B., or what ever you want to call it, I have it down to an art form.

As I have posted before I should write a book on the subject. I can’t quite tell if it is god given talent or the years of experience or maybe just something that I am so passionate about that has made me so good at it, but something has placed me within the elite a-holes of the world.

And what kind of a-hole would I be if I didn’t share some tips on how to be an a-hole to others? Not a very good one, I can tell you that. And if I am going to do anything, I am going to do it to the best of my ability! So here are some tips to help you step up you’re a-hole game.

***DISCLAIMER***
I am by no means encouraging anyone to attempt these tips. They are simply something you COULD do if you wanted, but I would not suggest that. In fact I suggest that you DON'T do any of these. Executing such actions could get your ass beat too. :)

I have a friend who uses change to mark his ball when we play golf. So I periodically walk around the green and drop what ever coin he is using to mark his ball with. If he is using quarters, I will walk around and drop quarters here and there, frustrates the shit out of him.

Another thing I do is to see how many times I can get someone to repeat themselves. Just say "what?" after everything they say.

Another thing I do is when I am fishing with this one buddy, who is hard core into fishing, I constantly say "I got a bite!" and pull my hook out of the water. Just for the f of it.

Since it is football season, go to a game such as a high school and carry a whistle with you, like a coach’s whistle. Right before a big play, say with a few seconds left in a game where the score is close, blow that bitch like your life depends on it. Just be prepared to be "escorted" out of the stadium.

But what is probably one of the best tips is if you are in a place where there is a mass of cars (somewhere like a mall parking lot, school parking lot or a festival parking lot) that has food service and you really want to jack up someone’s day, find a car with a window cracked open and toss something like a French fry, piece of bread or a piece of hot dog onto the dash through the crack. You see places like malls, schools and festivals that have food typically have birds around. And WHEN a bird sees that bit of food on the dash they are going to try to get it. And where there are birds, there is poop! I suggest either a new car or one with a really nice paint job. You know, if I would actually suggest that someone do something along these lines, which I don’t. But if I did…

Don’t get dead

Don't get dead?

A lot of people have asked me, “What does don’t get dead mean?” Well, the answer is quite simple. While we are on this planet we are either living or dead. And if you are not living life to the fullest, you might as well be dead. It’s kind of a mantra.

Now I am not talking about going out and risking life and limb or doing a bunch of extreme stuff or anything specific, but I am talking about enjoying the time we have. So go out, do stuff, have fun, smile, laugh, and enjoy yourself. Have a party, go out and see the world, pursue an education, try new things but just don’t sit around and waist your life away. In other words, don’t get dead.

Trust me there is enough everyday stuff that can bring you down, don’t celebrate it by not taking advantage of all that this world has to offer.

But after I started blogging it takes on a second meaning, in short, don’t do stupid shit to get yourself killed.

So as Thaddeus Gunn said, “Keep Living like Thanksgiving”

OR




Don’t get dead

Maxim Hurricane Advice

Recently Maxim magazine had an article giving advice on how to survive a hurricane. In this article they gave you a list of supplies that one would need to pick up prior to the hurricane hitting land. Things like a camping stove, a hand-crank radio, an LED headlamp and so on. And they told you why you will need them. Then the article went on to tell you what to do when the hurricane hits landfall. Stuff like where to go and what to have with you. And it seemed like pretty good advice. They even gave advice as to what to do in the aftermath. Things like how to cook without everyone coming over to eat your food (how neighborly) and how to catch rain water and so on. Again, sounds like pretty sound advice.

I think that I might have better advice. GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN. If you know a hurricane is coming, leave! It’s not like the hurricane snuck up on you. You can see them coming for DAYS. Leave, skedaddle, go, run, take-off, haul-ass, shoo! How many different ways do you need to be told to get away from the danger?

But I guess simply telling people to get out of the path of the storm in one sentence doesn’t really sell a lot of magazines does it?

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey 5/21/08

Dear Sweezey,

Why is your advice always to “whore it up a bit”?

Thanks,

Awesome in Austin



Dear Awesome,

I am just trying to make the world a better place.

Not satisfied with that answer? I am just trying to make everyone happy. I assume that you are talking about my previous Dear Sweezey blog. That woman wanted to date, I gave her a method to get dates.

Plus, it really is a win/win situation. You women have no idea how much power you have. You want to know how much power you have? I had not even thought about getting married and then bam! Walking down the isle. Kids? I never thought about having kids, bam! Got two. And it’s not just life changing events, I can be asleep in bed and hear “do you want ice cream? I think that I would like ice cream.” The next thing that I know my happy ass is dressed and on my way to the store. The force aint got shit on that!

So why do I advise that women whore it up? Because I know what guys want and if guys get what they want, women will get what they want and everyone is happy. So kick the whore up a bit and who knows, we might have world peace.

Thanks,

Sweezey

Don’t get dead.