Tips from the best

I have several interests that I am pretty good at, photography, golf, working on cars, cooking and so on. But one of the things that I am great at is being a dick. Dick, a-hole, jerk, fucker, punk, S.O.B., or what ever you want to call it, I have it down to an art form.

As I have posted before I should write a book on the subject. I can’t quite tell if it is god given talent or the years of experience or maybe just something that I am so passionate about that has made me so good at it, but something has placed me within the elite a-holes of the world.

And what kind of a-hole would I be if I didn’t share some tips on how to be an a-hole to others? Not a very good one, I can tell you that. And if I am going to do anything, I am going to do it to the best of my ability! So here are some tips to help you step up you’re a-hole game.

***DISCLAIMER***
I am by no means encouraging anyone to attempt these tips. They are simply something you COULD do if you wanted, but I would not suggest that. In fact I suggest that you DON'T do any of these. Executing such actions could get your ass beat too. :)

I have a friend who uses change to mark his ball when we play golf. So I periodically walk around the green and drop what ever coin he is using to mark his ball with. If he is using quarters, I will walk around and drop quarters here and there, frustrates the shit out of him.

Another thing I do is to see how many times I can get someone to repeat themselves. Just say "what?" after everything they say.

Another thing I do is when I am fishing with this one buddy, who is hard core into fishing, I constantly say "I got a bite!" and pull my hook out of the water. Just for the f of it.

Since it is football season, go to a game such as a high school and carry a whistle with you, like a coach’s whistle. Right before a big play, say with a few seconds left in a game where the score is close, blow that bitch like your life depends on it. Just be prepared to be "escorted" out of the stadium.

But what is probably one of the best tips is if you are in a place where there is a mass of cars (somewhere like a mall parking lot, school parking lot or a festival parking lot) that has food service and you really want to jack up someone’s day, find a car with a window cracked open and toss something like a French fry, piece of bread or a piece of hot dog onto the dash through the crack. You see places like malls, schools and festivals that have food typically have birds around. And WHEN a bird sees that bit of food on the dash they are going to try to get it. And where there are birds, there is poop! I suggest either a new car or one with a really nice paint job. You know, if I would actually suggest that someone do something along these lines, which I don’t. But if I did…

Don’t get dead