Wednesday, June 30, 2010

19, Seriously?!?!

So I am looking at the news online today and I see that this Jim Bob and Linda Lu, or whatever the hell her name is, Dugger have brought home their 19th kid. Dude, we got it, you like to screw, now knock it off!

You and your wife are assholes for bringing in 19 kids.

I understand that you want to win the annual flag football game at the family reunion but you don’t have to bring your own team, both offense and defense.

And you are really not helping out with the southern stereotype of barefoot and pregnant.

My guess is that they are secretly white supremacists and they are single handedly trying to keep the Caucasian race from ever being in the minority.

Someone please get me their address so that I can send them a Wii or a magazine subscription or something to keep them busy.

But you really are assholes, because you are screwing up these kids from the beginning. That poor little fucker that you just brought home will never have anything brand new, except for maybe a little brother or sister. Don’t you think that’s kind of shitty parenting? Hey, let’s have a bunch of kids and make them feel like they are not as important as the first couple. Let’s dress this one in those stylish double knit reversible polyester plaid slacks. You know its retro so it’s fashionable again. Even though the others had to wear them when they were just old clothes. You know at least three of them are going to end up in a bell tower with a deer rifle. Bang Bang, my daddy didn’t hug me enough (no shit, you know how long it takes to hug that many people, get in line son), bang bang, mom never gave me a coloring book that wasn’t already completely colored in, bang bang, daddy always forgot my name!!!

And when those kids get out of that house they will have no idea how to manage money and will buy every new thing that comes out and end up on welfare for the rest of us to take care of, simply because mom and dad wanted to be famous for doing the wild money dance more than anyone else. And you know sex for them isn’t fun anymore, its work. What do you want to bet that they got one of those punch in time clocks by their bed? Not like they are going to catch mom with some slutty outfit from Adam & Eve on while chasing a ball gagged Jim Bob with a bullwhip, screaming “Bad Senator, bad!” Nope, it’s do it and get it over with so that we can have Sally Struthers come and start an infomercial for us. For only 49 cents a day you can help feed a Dugger child.

And I am sure if they were interviewed they would say that they are happy. But the people in the former communist U.S.S.R. thought that they were happy too, until they found out that they didn’t have to wait in line for hours at a time to get toilet paper.

I bet these kids are all home schooled. Hell, they would have to because there is no way to get that many kids to school at one time. Getting them dressed for school would be next to impossible. Well I guess if they had their own bus, because it would be a bus full of them. So you know they are going to be social retards and won’t know how to act out on their own. And could you imagine 19 fuckers at the grocery store check out? Each of them bitching and moaning because they want candy or a drink and why does this one get to ride on the buggy, he rode on the buggy last time, I want to ride…. Oh dammit someone get me a shotgun!! I’m about to do society a favor.

Oh and could you imagine this bunch of assholes vacationing at the same place you where at the same time you where? Someone get me that Van der Sloot kid, O.J. and Robert Blake’s phone numbers pronto!!

I just think that these people really should knock off the knocking boots and think about other people. No one wants to be around this gaggle/heard/covey…whatever of people, ever, at all, under any circumstances.

Don’t even get me started on these people going trick or treating or Christmas shopping. Do you think that they are trying to have a birthday every day of the year or something?

While I’m on it, Octomom and Kate Gose..Gosl..Gosa…Kate and Eight, you knock that shit off too.

If I was the mom I would be afraid that the next time I got pregnant, and you know there is going to be a next time, that the kid would just fall out walking down the hall or if she sneezed. Damn woman, alone time is a good thing. I bet you can’t take a pee without an audience.

Look all that I am saying is that a woman’s birth canal should not look like a ride at Wet and Wild, that’s all.

- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Is this normal? It creeps me out.

Dear Sweezey,

My wife and daughter play with each other's titties. I think it's kinda weird.

- Creeped Out

Dear Creeped Out,

Any chance you got this on video? I mean, COMPLETELY normal, happens all the time on pay per view. How old is your daughter?

Did you double up on your stupid pills this morning? Do you really think there is a chance that it’s “normal”, well apparently it is at your house but most places might frown on it.

So how exactly do they play with each others? Are they hot? You might want to look into a video camera. I’m just saying it could be lucrative.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Monday, June 28, 2010

Kind of appropriate?

I know that the times are changing. But just because this is a place where you make promises to God does not make it a church.

We’ve all been there, drank well beyond our limit, tried everything that you could to get the room to quit spinning and realized that you hate gravity. It happens all of the time.

And talk about a guilt trip. You are sitting on the floor with your head in the bowl waiting to see if the next thing that comes flying out of your mouth is your spleen and mumbling oh God, please make it stop, I promise to never drink that much again. Just to look up and see “Church”

So what do you call the people who worship there? Holy Bowlers? Porcelain Pentecostals? Toilet Thumbers/Bowl Beaters?

Instead of doing the sign of the cross do you think that they would do the sign of the bowl (a big circle)?

Would you call the bathroom a house of the bowly?

Do swirlies count as a baptism?

Man, I hope that’s not holy water in there.

- Don’t get dead

Friday, June 25, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Clue me in please

Dear Sweezey,

I have a guy friend that has told me numerous times that he is really into my female friend. He says that she has a really good personality, and beautiful. He said that he would love to date her but here is the weird thing…..he is a total jack ass to her most of the time. I don’t understand him. Can you clue me in???


Dear Clueless,

You nailed it. Your friend, the guy, is a jackass pure and simple. He is not very mature and I bet you $100 he has a wicked video game collection. He is what we in the business call a social retard. Meaning he can’t pull his head out of his ass while in public long enough to learn how to behave around people. He probably thinks that he is being funny. Don’t worry as long as he has internet porn he will be fine. And really that’s best for everyone. You really don’t want him to meet a girl, fall in love, have sex with her and reproduce do you? I didn’t think so.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Be Back in 10 Minutes

We’ve all seen it anywhere that there are small shops that usually only have one person working in there at a time. Be it at a shopping center, mall or flea market any time that clerk needs to go drop a duce, have a smoke or work his mack with some chick the “Be Back In 10 Minutes” sign appears in the store’s window.

Maybe it’s just me, but how would one know when you were due to be back since we weren’t there when you left? And how do we know that you didn’t come back and leave again?

My office is near a mall that some co-workers and I often go to for lunch. There are several shops that have these notes on their doors during lunch. So I decided to have a little fun and add my own notes too. It started with a “Me Too” note. Then I thought we should just make sure that the clerk realizes that we acknowledge their efforts and would post an “OK” sign below their sign.

I also left notes like “I came by to see you and saw your note. Call me when you get back” without signing it. I just wonder what was going through their head when they got back. And who did they call because my phone didn’t ring.

One note that I want to leave but haven’t yet is “I’m so tired of this crap, every time I come by you are not here. Where are you and who are you with? I can’t believe that I trusted you. Get your stuff and get out! We are through!”

But my favorite so far was this long rambling one that I taped several sticky notes (got the tape from one of those kiosk in the mall) together and taped to their door “Where are you? I came by several times and you where not here. I even waited for 11 minutes and no sign of you. This is not normal and I am worried. I called your mom and she has no idea where you are. I hope and pray that you are ok but I am worried sick about you. Oh God, I hope that the Taliban didn’t kidnap you. If they did, don’t fight and do what they say, I know that they cut people’s heads off. I knew this was a bad idea but you wouldn’t listen to me. I saw this movie where these terrorist took over a mall for the sales deposits while the main character was busy playing Guitar Hero, please God I hope that you are not playing Guitar Hero. I am going to alert the media and call the cops to start an investigation.” I wish that we had hung around to see the guy’s reaction.

I don’t know why but I really enjoy screwing with people, must be something in my DNA.

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Need Help

Dear Sweezey,

I need help!!! I need legal advice or a cheap lawyer. Here is my situation. My soon to be ex-wife has filed assault charges against me. In case your wondering, I didnt do it. Here is the story behind it. My soon to be ex-wife is bi-polar. A few months ago she went off of her meds and decided that she was too fat. She went to see her dumb ass doctor and he gave her a perscription for Phentermine (medical grade speed) fo weight loss. Within a couple of weeks of being on the Phentermine she was completely manic. She had decided that I was no longer good enough for her; that I made her feel like a "simpleton". Two months ago she left me for an ex-con, drug adict that she met online two days before. This new guy was in prison for a few years for robbery and assault among other things. Clearly, this is not the king of guy I want around my six year old step son, so, I refused to stay away from the house because he refused to come over while I was there. This new guy told my wife that the only way to get me to leave and stay gone was to get a restraining order. I believe that the best way to get a restraining order fast and free is to file an assault charge and get a protective order. Thats exactly what she did.

Heres what I have: I have text messages from her that say "if you want to play this game, I will play and you wont like the way I play" and "If you come over here you will have another report". She had already filed one police report claiming that I made some threatening phone calls to her. I have a chat session between her and her new boyfriend where she says "I know he didnt make the phone calls, it wasnt his voice". This chatsession is also the first time that he told her to get a restraining order against me because it was the only way to get me to leave. I have a witness to testify that he heard her tell me a few days before she had me locked up for assault that the next time I showed up she would "call the cops, tell them that I hit her and have my ass thrown in jail". I have a ton of character witnesses that will testify that if there was a violent one in the relationship, it was her.

Heres what she has: She has a torn shirt, and a police report. the arresting officer said that she had a red mark somewhere on her but he didnt say where.

I tried to present my case to the District Attourneys office but I was told that I cant discuss the case without a lawyer unless I waive my right to a lawyer. I dont know what to do.

Any advice???


Dear Confused,

One key thing that you left out is what exactly you need a lawyer for. Is it for the divorce from your soon to be ex-wife or is it for the assault charge? I am guessing for the DV. You should make things like this clear. Anyway, it sounds to me like you are pretty screwed. By the way that you tell your side of the story (derogatory comments about her and her new man, mentioning a step son, listing out what you have and what she has and so on) you seem as if there is something that you are either leaving out or covering up. I don’t doubt the text messages and whatnot but you are the one who went to her place. Here is a little tip that a cop friend of mine told me, anytime there is a DV call, someone is going to jail. That means you stupid.

Here is what I would advise you to do, take the court appointed lawyer because you are going to need all of the help that you can get. Oh and ask the judge if you can bring lube into the jail when they lock you up, you’re probably going to want that.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Help to get a beautiful girl into rehab

Dear Sweezey,

I am trying to help a beautiful young girl who is addicted to heroin. She has od'd several times and almost died. She wants help. All of the decent rehab facilities charge so much money and her family has no insurance and no resources. I am hoping to touch someone's heart who has been through this themself or with a loved one. She can make it with the right help. If you can help financially or if you know of some type of financial assistance or sponsors for drug rehab, please let me know. Any ideas are appreciated. I am just trying to think outside the box. I've made many phone calls to rehabs and someone suggested this and to call talk shows. I will do it.

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I personally can’t help you out with the cost, but I do have some ideas. From what I understand, heroin is somewhat expensive. So why don’t you get your smackhead friend to take the money she is spending on heroin and pay for the rehab herself? You said she wants help, have her prove it. There is a fine line between help and charity.

And if that doesn’t work, put her horse riding ass out on the streets and make her turn tricks. You said she’s beautiful so she should have plenty of clients. She can raise the rehab money that way. Hell, even ugly hookers get work, I’ve see the show COPS. She will either get in rehab or jumpstart her destiny.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Ol' Ball and Chain!

Dear Sweezey,

When I go out for a few beers with my friends, my wife almost never calls, but IF she does, she might call once to ask me to pick up something on the way home. But, it seems some of my friends are getting calls or texts from their women every ten to fifteen minutes if not more. It is impossible to focus on a game of darts or pool or just carry a conversation with the constant interruptions - and they don't dare miss the call and call back in a few minutes. I bet they even have to fumble for the phone in the middle of taking a piss. Gawd, who is that insecure? Why bother going out at all if you can't be left alone for a few minutes? On the flip side, when my wife is out with her friends, I don't call, and she might call to let me know they had a change in plans, simply because she wants me to know where she is, but it's no big deal. If we go to a party together we have little contact with each other and go different ways, yet there are those couples who are joined at the hip and hardly talk to anyone, Cheeze, why not just stay home?


Dear WTF?,

So many questions in one e-mail, you really need to work on limiting that. But let’s try to address them. First off, some people who love each other actually like talking to each other. I know, crazy right? As for the frequency or as you call it, being insecure, I don’t know why. Maybe you pick bars in shitty parts of town and are too stupid to realize it. Maybe they want to make sure that their boyfriend/husband is still safe and alive, ever think about that? And why do you care what they do while taking a piss, are you jealous?

Secondly, you have to focus that hard on darts and pool? You must suck ass dude. And you can’t carry on a conversation if you get a simple interruption. You are going to have a miserable existence. As an FYI, the whole idea about going out with the fellas for some drinks is for the camaraderie, not to break out your billiards A game.

Now for the more serious issue, your wife doesn’t call you when you go out because she is busy pulling a train with the rest of the guys in the neighborhood. So she’s a little busy at the time. And when she does call and ask you to pick up something, it’s because he isn’t done yet and she don’t want you to come home too early and spoil it. Ever think about that? And when your wife is out with her friends, she wouldn’t answer if you did call. She wouldn’t be able to talk anyway if she did answer. Same thing for going your separate ways at parties, she’s just lining up new meat for the next time you and the boys go out for some brew. Keep making fun of people who actually know what’s going on in each other’s lives.

You sir, are a modern day idiot.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Friday, June 18, 2010

Time for me to save the world

Unless you have been… well there is no way that everyone isn’t aware of the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and that there is this whole global economic issue where the unemployment rate up. Well I have a fix for both of those, at the same time actually.

There is a company called Buf-Puf that makes these facial sponges for oily skin. And they come with some sort of cleanser. I think you see where I am going with this. You get the government to put in a huge order for these sponges and we use them to clean up the gulf.

What we would do is have Buf-Puf make tons of these sponges but much bigger than normal. Then string them together and put them out in the gulf. So follow me with this. Buf-Puf has to kick up their operations to meet the demand, turning into a 24/7 operation, therefore creating more jobs. We will also need truck drivers to haul the sponges from the factory to the gulf. I also think we will have sting these sponges together so there are jobs locally at the gulf for the people who are out of work due to the oil spill. Then we hire the fishing boat captains to drive the stings of sponges out into the oil slick to soak up oil and scrub the wildlife coated with oil (remember they have cleanser in them too).

So I have cleaned up the oil spill, saved the wildlife, created jobs and jumpstarted the U.S. economy all at the same time. It should be illegal to be this damn smart.

- Don’t get dead

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Bake Sale

Recently I’ve been hearing commercials about this bake sale to eliminate hunger. Now I have never been labeled as one of the greatest thinkers that mankind has even known, but wouldn’t you make more progress by cutting out the middle man? Wouldn’t it be more helpful to just give the hungry people the baked goods?

Maybe the event coordinators could also hold the events below that don’t quite hit the mark.

There could be a sleep-in to fight insomnia.

A tough man contest to fight domestic violence

What about hotdog eating contest to fight bulimia?

I guess that’s better than track and field events for multiple sclerosis

Walk-a-thon for weight loss?

Pool parties for people who can’t swim

Ski lessons for people who are afraid of heights

A monster truck contest to fight drinking and driving?

I’m not the biggest fan of carrot cake but if I was starving, not hungry but haven’t eaten in days or weeks, I would be neck jamming beta-carotene like a crazy person. I wouldn’t even need a glass of milk or anything. And even in a weakened state I think I would be able to kick the ass of everyone in a cakewalk if that’s what it took to get food.

Just seems to me that if people are starving to death and you have food and would like to help them, just give them the damn food. But Nooooo! They waited weeks to organize an event and promote it. In the mean time people starved… to death! I hope that you are happy, you basically were teasing a starving person by telling them that you are going to give them food, and not just food, baked goods. Some dude died while waiting on his chocolate chip cookies! Man that’s messed up.

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Am I sick?

Dear Sweezey,

I am 25 and have a “thing” for older men….I like them 35 or older….but 45 and older really turn me on. And the ones with grey hair are super attractive to me.
I feel like I’m not normal at all. Men my age hit on me, but I just don’t have the attraction for younger guys. Am I sick?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

What the F is wrong with you, 35 year old and older men??? Ewww, that’s just nasty!! Wait a minute, I’m over 35. Hell no you’re not sick, 35 plus guys rule!!! We… umm, they are the male equivalent of a cougar. We… I mean they are like ...pumas! Yeah, I am coining that name now, male cougars are pumas.... you know what I mean.

You got some real jacked up daddy issues between the ears don’t ya?



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dear Sweezey - stun guns?

Dear Sweezey,

I'm old and almost crippled so I'm too old to carry a gun any more...are stun guns legal for an old man to carry in his car?...If so where is a good place to buy one?...

- Anonymous

Dear Father Time,

Since I am both a lawyer and a law enforcement officer (chef, banker, Indian chief and candle stick maker too) I will be happy to advise you. Sure, it’s legal for you to carry a stun gun in your car. And the best place to by them is at Stun-Guns-R-Us.

But first you have to tell me, what do you look like and what kind of car do you drive? Because there is no way in five hundred hells that I want to be anywhere near your paranoid, trigger happy ass when you got fifty thousand volts of make me piss my pants and flop around like a fish laying on the bench seat of your Delta 88.

Look Methuselah, do yourself a favor and keep the windows rolled up and doors locked and you will be fine. The last thing you need is to shoot yourself with that gun and turn your life on and off like a light switch. BZZZ, dead! BZZZ, defibrillator! BZZZ, dead. Not like you are going to be able to let go of that trigger once you juice yourself. Do you really want to play Russian Roulette with a 9 volt battery?



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Flash Cards

One of the most important things to me is education. Be it is formal education or street knowledge, I feel that people really need to be in the know. So we have all of these learning aids for my children. Books to learn how to write their numbers and letters, learn to read books, puzzles and all sorts of other things.

So the other day I am sitting with my kids playing this little game where we pick a letter out of the alphabet and take turns saying as many words that we can think of that begin with that letter. This particular time we were using a new deck of flash cards.

You all know what flash cards are right? They are cards with a letter on the card and a picture of something that starts with that letter.

So we are going through the deck of cards playing our game until we get to the letter “K”. Anyone want to guess what the picture was on the “K” card? Kite? Nope. Key? Oh, good guess but wrong. Kitten? Sorry, wrong again. The picture was of a knife.

Now this isn’t some sort of antiviolence/weapon post, it’s an anti-stupid post. If you don’t understand, picture the flash card in your head and say the word “knife” out loud.

You got to be kidding me. What brain child thought this was a logical item to teach children the K sound? Didn’t this go though some sort of QC process? Can you see how this might be confusing for a kid who is just learning the sounds each letter can make?

So I have to stop the game for a minute and go looking through the deck to see what other phonic surprises where waiting for us. I would not have been surprised to see a “phone” on the “P” card, or a picture of a “gnat” for the “G” card. They could put a picture of a “quiche” for the “Q” card.

This is what happens when stupid people try to make learning tools.

- Don’t get dead
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