Monday, August 13, 2012

Dear Sweezey - Big metal rocket that used to be on the playground at Chisolm Park in Hurst

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know what happened to the big metal rocket that used to be on the playground at
Chisolm Park in Hurst? I talked to a city parks official that said it was moved to Bellaire
park sometime in the 90s and was taken down about 5 years later. He didn't know what
happened to it after. Anyone know?


Dear Anonymous,

Someone found the weed you hid in that rocket a long time ago. Let it go.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

TV Guide

For those of you who didn’t know me as a child let me give you a little background on me. I grew up in a very small town in Alabama and that’s pretty much all that you need to know about this post. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alabama. Had some of the best times of my life in Alabama and some of the greatest people in my life are either in or from Alabama. But this particular post falls right in line with the stereotype.

So I grew up in a middle class neighborhood in a small town as I mentioned. And on the surface everything was pretty normal. But peel away a layer or two and the quirkiness of some of the people in the neighborhood starts to shine through.

You see there was this one family in our neighborhood that collected something unique, TV Guides.

I remember as a kid this family had a bookcase in their hallway that was just filled with TV Guides, years and years worth of TV Guides as a matter of fact. I remember asking my friend who lived there over and over again what was up with all of the TV Guides. No other publications, just TV Guides. And over and over again I would get some brush off answer about how his dad thought that they might be worth a lot of money one day or some other lame excuse.

And then one day a second bookcase showed up in the hallway. And week by week it slowly began to fill up with more TV Guides. One day I was hanging out and started to thumb through them. And there was nothing special about them. Nothing was hidden in them, the crossword puzzle wasn’t even started, nothing.

Then one day there was a police chase that came through our neighborhood where the guy who was running from the cops lost control of his motorcycle and crashed into the family’s car, catching it and then their house on fire. It was horrible, every issue burned.

The mystery of the TV Guides will remain unanswered for ever now. After a couple of months the house was rebuilt and for some reason the TV Guide bookcase was nowhere to be found. Of course I had to ask about them and of course I got a brush off answer, this time with attitude.

Then one day a couple of months later, a bookcase appeared in the hallway again. And placed on it was this cute little pair of TV Guides. YES!!!! Glorious TV Guides! Now I have something to bug my friend about.

At this point I couldn’t have cared less about the damn magazines or why they were keeping them, I just liked to bust their chops about them. So I go up to my friend and say that I see that the TV Guides are back and ask him what’s up with that.

If you are eating or drinking anything, you might want to go ahead and swallow it before you continue reading. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

So my friend says to me in a huff, and I quote, “My dad is keeping them because he thinks that toilet paper is going to go out of style. And when they quit making it we are going to wipe our butts with the pages of TV Guide.”

I shit you not, pun intended

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

I don’t know; maybe just give him a warning.

Cops: Man awaiting sobriety test takes last swig

BELLEVIEW, Fla. – Authorities said a central Florida man took one last swig of alcohol while waiting to take a sobriety test. Marion County Sheriff's deputies stopped 61-year-old Dana Seaman after noticing his car swerve three times. Seaman said he'd been drinking and agreed to a sobriety test. But first, Deputy Eric Larson said he watched Seaman drink from a cup and toss it under the passenger seat. According to a police report, the cup smelled strongly of alcohol.

Seaman refused a breath test. He has been charged with DUI.

A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday.

I swear to God that is a real news story. Pulled from the AP.

Ok, normally I would be all over the suspect’s ass like Lindsay Lohan at a wine tasting.  But in this case I think the local Sheriff’s office should throw him a bone. Why? His name is freaking Dana Seaman…SEAMAN! He has lived 61 years with the last name of SEAMAN. No wonder he was drinking.

What I don’t understand is why he didn’t change his name a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time ago? I know that I would have been at the court house at the very first opportunity I had to start the legal name change process. I would have been Dana Smith just as soon as humanly possible. He wouldn’t even have to change anything he had initialed. Think he didn’t change it because of pride or that spiffy family crest?

Could you imagine the hell his youth was, especially after sex ed class? Now Mr. Seaman has quite a few years on me but I would guess that kids were just as big of a-holes when he was in school as they were when I was in school. He is just lucky that his parents weren’t hippies or something and named him Swallow or something like that.

The funniest lines from that story have to be, “Seaman refused a breath test.” and “A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday.” I know it is juvenile, but you laughed too!

-- Don’t get dead
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