Wednesday, June 30, 2010

19, Seriously?!?!


So I am looking at the news online today and I see that this Jim Bob and Linda Lu, or whatever the hell her name is, Dugger have brought home their 19th kid. Dude, we got it, you like to screw, now knock it off!

You and your wife are assholes for bringing in 19 kids.

I understand that you want to win the annual flag football game at the family reunion but you don’t have to bring your own team, both offense and defense.

And you are really not helping out with the southern stereotype of barefoot and pregnant.

My guess is that they are secretly white supremacists and they are single handedly trying to keep the Caucasian race from ever being in the minority.

Someone please get me their address so that I can send them a Wii or a magazine subscription or something to keep them busy.

But you really are assholes, because you are screwing up these kids from the beginning. That poor little fucker that you just brought home will never have anything brand new, except for maybe a little brother or sister. Don’t you think that’s kind of shitty parenting? Hey, let’s have a bunch of kids and make them feel like they are not as important as the first couple. Let’s dress this one in those stylish double knit reversible polyester plaid slacks. You know its retro so it’s fashionable again. Even though the others had to wear them when they were just old clothes. You know at least three of them are going to end up in a bell tower with a deer rifle. Bang Bang, my daddy didn’t hug me enough (no shit, you know how long it takes to hug that many people, get in line son), bang bang, mom never gave me a coloring book that wasn’t already completely colored in, bang bang, daddy always forgot my name!!!

And when those kids get out of that house they will have no idea how to manage money and will buy every new thing that comes out and end up on welfare for the rest of us to take care of, simply because mom and dad wanted to be famous for doing the wild money dance more than anyone else. And you know sex for them isn’t fun anymore, its work. What do you want to bet that they got one of those punch in time clocks by their bed? Not like they are going to catch mom with some slutty outfit from Adam & Eve on while chasing a ball gagged Jim Bob with a bullwhip, screaming “Bad Senator, bad!” Nope, it’s do it and get it over with so that we can have Sally Struthers come and start an infomercial for us. For only 49 cents a day you can help feed a Dugger child.

And I am sure if they were interviewed they would say that they are happy. But the people in the former communist U.S.S.R. thought that they were happy too, until they found out that they didn’t have to wait in line for hours at a time to get toilet paper.

I bet these kids are all home schooled. Hell, they would have to because there is no way to get that many kids to school at one time. Getting them dressed for school would be next to impossible. Well I guess if they had their own bus, because it would be a bus full of them. So you know they are going to be social retards and won’t know how to act out on their own. And could you imagine 19 fuckers at the grocery store check out? Each of them bitching and moaning because they want candy or a drink and why does this one get to ride on the buggy, he rode on the buggy last time, I want to ride…. Oh dammit someone get me a shotgun!! I’m about to do society a favor.

Oh and could you imagine this bunch of assholes vacationing at the same place you where at the same time you where? Someone get me that Van der Sloot kid, O.J. and Robert Blake’s phone numbers pronto!!

I just think that these people really should knock off the knocking boots and think about other people. No one wants to be around this gaggle/heard/covey…whatever of people, ever, at all, under any circumstances.

Don’t even get me started on these people going trick or treating or Christmas shopping. Do you think that they are trying to have a birthday every day of the year or something?

While I’m on it, Octomom and Kate Gose..Gosl..Gosa…Kate and Eight, you knock that shit off too.

If I was the mom I would be afraid that the next time I got pregnant, and you know there is going to be a next time, that the kid would just fall out walking down the hall or if she sneezed. Damn woman, alone time is a good thing. I bet you can’t take a pee without an audience.

Look all that I am saying is that a woman’s birth canal should not look like a ride at Wet and Wild, that’s all.

- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Is this normal? It creeps me out.


Dear Sweezey,

My wife and daughter play with each other's titties. I think it's kinda weird.

- Creeped Out

Dear Creeped Out,

Any chance you got this on video? I mean, COMPLETELY normal, happens all the time on pay per view. How old is your daughter?

Did you double up on your stupid pills this morning? Do you really think there is a chance that it’s “normal”, well apparently it is at your house but most places might frown on it.

So how exactly do they play with each others? Are they hot? You might want to look into a video camera. I’m just saying it could be lucrative.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Monday, June 28, 2010

Kind of appropriate?



I know that the times are changing. But just because this is a place where you make promises to God does not make it a church.
















We’ve all been there, drank well beyond our limit, tried everything that you could to get the room to quit spinning and realized that you hate gravity. It happens all of the time.

And talk about a guilt trip. You are sitting on the floor with your head in the bowl waiting to see if the next thing that comes flying out of your mouth is your spleen and mumbling oh God, please make it stop, I promise to never drink that much again. Just to look up and see “Church”

So what do you call the people who worship there? Holy Bowlers? Porcelain Pentecostals? Toilet Thumbers/Bowl Beaters?

Instead of doing the sign of the cross do you think that they would do the sign of the bowl (a big circle)?

Would you call the bathroom a house of the bowly?

Do swirlies count as a baptism?

Man, I hope that’s not holy water in there.

- Don’t get dead

Friday, June 25, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Clue me in please


Dear Sweezey,

I have a guy friend that has told me numerous times that he is really into my female friend. He says that she has a really good personality, and beautiful. He said that he would love to date her but here is the weird thing…..he is a total jack ass to her most of the time. I don’t understand him. Can you clue me in???


Clueless


Dear Clueless,


You nailed it. Your friend, the guy, is a jackass pure and simple. He is not very mature and I bet you $100 he has a wicked video game collection. He is what we in the business call a social retard. Meaning he can’t pull his head out of his ass while in public long enough to learn how to behave around people. He probably thinks that he is being funny. Don’t worry as long as he has internet porn he will be fine. And really that’s best for everyone. You really don’t want him to meet a girl, fall in love, have sex with her and reproduce do you? I didn’t think so.


Thanks,


Sweezey


As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.


- Don’t get dead

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Be Back in 10 Minutes


We’ve all seen it anywhere that there are small shops that usually only have one person working in there at a time. Be it at a shopping center, mall or flea market any time that clerk needs to go drop a duce, have a smoke or work his mack with some chick the “Be Back In 10 Minutes” sign appears in the store’s window.

Maybe it’s just me, but how would one know when you were due to be back since we weren’t there when you left? And how do we know that you didn’t come back and leave again?

My office is near a mall that some co-workers and I often go to for lunch. There are several shops that have these notes on their doors during lunch. So I decided to have a little fun and add my own notes too. It started with a “Me Too” note. Then I thought we should just make sure that the clerk realizes that we acknowledge their efforts and would post an “OK” sign below their sign.

I also left notes like “I came by to see you and saw your note. Call me when you get back” without signing it. I just wonder what was going through their head when they got back. And who did they call because my phone didn’t ring.

One note that I want to leave but haven’t yet is “I’m so tired of this crap, every time I come by you are not here. Where are you and who are you with? I can’t believe that I trusted you. Get your stuff and get out! We are through!”

But my favorite so far was this long rambling one that I taped several sticky notes (got the tape from one of those kiosk in the mall) together and taped to their door “Where are you? I came by several times and you where not here. I even waited for 11 minutes and no sign of you. This is not normal and I am worried. I called your mom and she has no idea where you are. I hope and pray that you are ok but I am worried sick about you. Oh God, I hope that the Taliban didn’t kidnap you. If they did, don’t fight and do what they say, I know that they cut people’s heads off. I knew this was a bad idea but you wouldn’t listen to me. I saw this movie where these terrorist took over a mall for the sales deposits while the main character was busy playing Guitar Hero, please God I hope that you are not playing Guitar Hero. I am going to alert the media and call the cops to start an investigation.” I wish that we had hung around to see the guy’s reaction.

I don’t know why but I really enjoy screwing with people, must be something in my DNA.

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Need Help


Dear Sweezey,


I need help!!! I need legal advice or a cheap lawyer. Here is my situation. My soon to be ex-wife has filed assault charges against me. In case your wondering, I didnt do it. Here is the story behind it. My soon to be ex-wife is bi-polar. A few months ago she went off of her meds and decided that she was too fat. She went to see her dumb ass doctor and he gave her a perscription for Phentermine (medical grade speed) fo weight loss. Within a couple of weeks of being on the Phentermine she was completely manic. She had decided that I was no longer good enough for her; that I made her feel like a "simpleton". Two months ago she left me for an ex-con, drug adict that she met online two days before. This new guy was in prison for a few years for robbery and assault among other things. Clearly, this is not the king of guy I want around my six year old step son, so, I refused to stay away from the house because he refused to come over while I was there. This new guy told my wife that the only way to get me to leave and stay gone was to get a restraining order. I believe that the best way to get a restraining order fast and free is to file an assault charge and get a protective order. Thats exactly what she did.


Heres what I have: I have text messages from her that say "if you want to play this game, I will play and you wont like the way I play" and "If you come over here you will have another report". She had already filed one police report claiming that I made some threatening phone calls to her. I have a chat session between her and her new boyfriend where she says "I know he didnt make the phone calls, it wasnt his voice". This chatsession is also the first time that he told her to get a restraining order against me because it was the only way to get me to leave. I have a witness to testify that he heard her tell me a few days before she had me locked up for assault that the next time I showed up she would "call the cops, tell them that I hit her and have my ass thrown in jail". I have a ton of character witnesses that will testify that if there was a violent one in the relationship, it was her.


Heres what she has: She has a torn shirt, and a police report. the arresting officer said that she had a red mark somewhere on her but he didnt say where.


I tried to present my case to the District Attourneys office but I was told that I cant discuss the case without a lawyer unless I waive my right to a lawyer. I dont know what to do.


Any advice???


Confused


Dear Confused,


One key thing that you left out is what exactly you need a lawyer for. Is it for the divorce from your soon to be ex-wife or is it for the assault charge? I am guessing for the DV. You should make things like this clear. Anyway, it sounds to me like you are pretty screwed. By the way that you tell your side of the story (derogatory comments about her and her new man, mentioning a step son, listing out what you have and what she has and so on) you seem as if there is something that you are either leaving out or covering up. I don’t doubt the text messages and whatnot but you are the one who went to her place. Here is a little tip that a cop friend of mine told me, anytime there is a DV call, someone is going to jail. That means you stupid.


Here is what I would advise you to do, take the court appointed lawyer because you are going to need all of the help that you can get. Oh and ask the judge if you can bring lube into the jail when they lock you up, you’re probably going to want that.


Thanks,


Sweezey


As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.


- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Help to get a beautiful girl into rehab


Dear Sweezey,

I am trying to help a beautiful young girl who is addicted to heroin. She has od'd several times and almost died. She wants help. All of the decent rehab facilities charge so much money and her family has no insurance and no resources. I am hoping to touch someone's heart who has been through this themself or with a loved one. She can make it with the right help. If you can help financially or if you know of some type of financial assistance or sponsors for drug rehab, please let me know. Any ideas are appreciated. I am just trying to think outside the box. I've made many phone calls to rehabs and someone suggested this and to call talk shows. I will do it.

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I personally can’t help you out with the cost, but I do have some ideas. From what I understand, heroin is somewhat expensive. So why don’t you get your smackhead friend to take the money she is spending on heroin and pay for the rehab herself? You said she wants help, have her prove it. There is a fine line between help and charity.

And if that doesn’t work, put her horse riding ass out on the streets and make her turn tricks. You said she’s beautiful so she should have plenty of clients. She can raise the rehab money that way. Hell, even ugly hookers get work, I’ve see the show COPS. She will either get in rehab or jumpstart her destiny.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Ol' Ball and Chain!


Dear Sweezey,

When I go out for a few beers with my friends, my wife almost never calls, but IF she does, she might call once to ask me to pick up something on the way home. But, it seems some of my friends are getting calls or texts from their women every ten to fifteen minutes if not more. It is impossible to focus on a game of darts or pool or just carry a conversation with the constant interruptions - and they don't dare miss the call and call back in a few minutes. I bet they even have to fumble for the phone in the middle of taking a piss. Gawd, who is that insecure? Why bother going out at all if you can't be left alone for a few minutes? On the flip side, when my wife is out with her friends, I don't call, and she might call to let me know they had a change in plans, simply because she wants me to know where she is, but it's no big deal. If we go to a party together we have little contact with each other and go different ways, yet there are those couples who are joined at the hip and hardly talk to anyone, Cheeze, why not just stay home?

WTF?

Dear WTF?,

So many questions in one e-mail, you really need to work on limiting that. But let’s try to address them. First off, some people who love each other actually like talking to each other. I know, crazy right? As for the frequency or as you call it, being insecure, I don’t know why. Maybe you pick bars in shitty parts of town and are too stupid to realize it. Maybe they want to make sure that their boyfriend/husband is still safe and alive, ever think about that? And why do you care what they do while taking a piss, are you jealous?

Secondly, you have to focus that hard on darts and pool? You must suck ass dude. And you can’t carry on a conversation if you get a simple interruption. You are going to have a miserable existence. As an FYI, the whole idea about going out with the fellas for some drinks is for the camaraderie, not to break out your billiards A game.

Now for the more serious issue, your wife doesn’t call you when you go out because she is busy pulling a train with the rest of the guys in the neighborhood. So she’s a little busy at the time. And when she does call and ask you to pick up something, it’s because he isn’t done yet and she don’t want you to come home too early and spoil it. Ever think about that? And when your wife is out with her friends, she wouldn’t answer if you did call. She wouldn’t be able to talk anyway if she did answer. Same thing for going your separate ways at parties, she’s just lining up new meat for the next time you and the boys go out for some brew. Keep making fun of people who actually know what’s going on in each other’s lives.

You sir, are a modern day idiot.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Friday, June 18, 2010

Time for me to save the world

Unless you have been… well there is no way that everyone isn’t aware of the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and that there is this whole global economic issue where the unemployment rate up. Well I have a fix for both of those, at the same time actually.

There is a company called Buf-Puf that makes these facial sponges for oily skin. And they come with some sort of cleanser. I think you see where I am going with this. You get the government to put in a huge order for these sponges and we use them to clean up the gulf.

What we would do is have Buf-Puf make tons of these sponges but much bigger than normal. Then string them together and put them out in the gulf. So follow me with this. Buf-Puf has to kick up their operations to meet the demand, turning into a 24/7 operation, therefore creating more jobs. We will also need truck drivers to haul the sponges from the factory to the gulf. I also think we will have sting these sponges together so there are jobs locally at the gulf for the people who are out of work due to the oil spill. Then we hire the fishing boat captains to drive the stings of sponges out into the oil slick to soak up oil and scrub the wildlife coated with oil (remember they have cleanser in them too).

So I have cleaned up the oil spill, saved the wildlife, created jobs and jumpstarted the U.S. economy all at the same time. It should be illegal to be this damn smart.

- Don’t get dead

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Bake Sale


Recently I’ve been hearing commercials about this bake sale to eliminate hunger. Now I have never been labeled as one of the greatest thinkers that mankind has even known, but wouldn’t you make more progress by cutting out the middle man? Wouldn’t it be more helpful to just give the hungry people the baked goods?

Maybe the event coordinators could also hold the events below that don’t quite hit the mark.

There could be a sleep-in to fight insomnia.

A tough man contest to fight domestic violence

What about hotdog eating contest to fight bulimia?

I guess that’s better than track and field events for multiple sclerosis

Walk-a-thon for weight loss?

Pool parties for people who can’t swim

Ski lessons for people who are afraid of heights

A monster truck contest to fight drinking and driving?

I’m not the biggest fan of carrot cake but if I was starving, not hungry but haven’t eaten in days or weeks, I would be neck jamming beta-carotene like a crazy person. I wouldn’t even need a glass of milk or anything. And even in a weakened state I think I would be able to kick the ass of everyone in a cakewalk if that’s what it took to get food.

Just seems to me that if people are starving to death and you have food and would like to help them, just give them the damn food. But Nooooo! They waited weeks to organize an event and promote it. In the mean time people starved… to death! I hope that you are happy, you basically were teasing a starving person by telling them that you are going to give them food, and not just food, baked goods. Some dude died while waiting on his chocolate chip cookies! Man that’s messed up.

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Am I sick?



Dear Sweezey,

I am 25 and have a “thing” for older men….I like them 35 or older….but 45 and older really turn me on. And the ones with grey hair are super attractive to me.
I feel like I’m not normal at all. Men my age hit on me, but I just don’t have the attraction for younger guys. Am I sick?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

What the F is wrong with you, 35 year old and older men??? Ewww, that’s just nasty!! Wait a minute, I’m over 35. Hell no you’re not sick, 35 plus guys rule!!! We… umm, they are the male equivalent of a cougar. We… I mean they are like ...pumas! Yeah, I am coining that name now, male cougars are pumas.... you know what I mean.

You got some real jacked up daddy issues between the ears don’t ya?

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dear Sweezey - stun guns?

Dear Sweezey,

I'm old and almost crippled so I'm too old to carry a gun any more...are stun guns legal for an old man to carry in his car?...If so where is a good place to buy one?...

- Anonymous

Dear Father Time,

Since I am both a lawyer and a law enforcement officer (chef, banker, Indian chief and candle stick maker too) I will be happy to advise you. Sure, it’s legal for you to carry a stun gun in your car. And the best place to by them is at Stun-Guns-R-Us.

But first you have to tell me, what do you look like and what kind of car do you drive? Because there is no way in five hundred hells that I want to be anywhere near your paranoid, trigger happy ass when you got fifty thousand volts of make me piss my pants and flop around like a fish laying on the bench seat of your Delta 88.

Look Methuselah, do yourself a favor and keep the windows rolled up and doors locked and you will be fine. The last thing you need is to shoot yourself with that gun and turn your life on and off like a light switch. BZZZ, dead! BZZZ, defibrillator! BZZZ, dead. Not like you are going to be able to let go of that trigger once you juice yourself. Do you really want to play Russian Roulette with a 9 volt battery?

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Flash Cards

One of the most important things to me is education. Be it is formal education or street knowledge, I feel that people really need to be in the know. So we have all of these learning aids for my children. Books to learn how to write their numbers and letters, learn to read books, puzzles and all sorts of other things.

So the other day I am sitting with my kids playing this little game where we pick a letter out of the alphabet and take turns saying as many words that we can think of that begin with that letter. This particular time we were using a new deck of flash cards.

You all know what flash cards are right? They are cards with a letter on the card and a picture of something that starts with that letter.

So we are going through the deck of cards playing our game until we get to the letter “K”. Anyone want to guess what the picture was on the “K” card? Kite? Nope. Key? Oh, good guess but wrong. Kitten? Sorry, wrong again. The picture was of a knife.

Now this isn’t some sort of antiviolence/weapon post, it’s an anti-stupid post. If you don’t understand, picture the flash card in your head and say the word “knife” out loud.

You got to be kidding me. What brain child thought this was a logical item to teach children the K sound? Didn’t this go though some sort of QC process? Can you see how this might be confusing for a kid who is just learning the sounds each letter can make?

So I have to stop the game for a minute and go looking through the deck to see what other phonic surprises where waiting for us. I would not have been surprised to see a “phone” on the “P” card, or a picture of a “gnat” for the “G” card. They could put a picture of a “quiche” for the “Q” card.

This is what happens when stupid people try to make learning tools.

- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The first round is on the house

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to own a bar and grill. I know the T.V. show Cheers has to be partly to blame. But I always thought it would be kind of cool and fun to have a place. But not just any bar, THE bar. The kind of place that was packed every night, with a line to get in that ran down the street.

To have a place like that I would think that you would need three key factors, a prime location, a great atmosphere and specialty food and drinks. Location is out of my control, I would have to hire someone to create the right atmosphere so that leaves the food and drinks. So I thought I would give putting together some house specials.

Let’s start with some the food.

The Urban Meyer sandwich – go to the store and get your favorite pre-made sandwich, eat half of it and proclaim it to be the best sandwich ever. Then you have your wife call 9-1-1, and then let everyone know that you are finished with the sandwich. Wait a couple of minutes and decide that you are going to continue eating the sandwich. After a couple of minutes more decide that you are done with the sandwich. A few minutes later proclaim that you don’t know if you are going to eat the sandwich or not but that you are going to be associated with the sandwich in some way.

The Gulf of Mexico sandwich – start with a piece of Mahi Mahi, Red Snapper, Mackerel, Amberjack and Anchovies into a hoagie roll. Add a scoop of tuna salad and several fried shrimp. Top with lots and lots of oil and vinegar, but mostly oil.

The Obama sandwich – this sandwich contains the meat from the left wing of a vulture, add a several slices of Swiss cheese with lots of holes, and then add several slices of baloney and top with mole sauce. This sandwich goes well with the mixed drink The Congress listed below.

Let’s move on to the drinks.

The Congress – in a big glass blender pour in a large can of mixed nuts, a bottle of w(h)ine, a couple of fruits, then add a couple of cut up hotdogs (because we all know what hotdogs are made out of), and top it off with a large helping of the manure of a bull. Mix well and try to choke it back and not get sick.

The Toyota – equal parts sake and Red Bull poured into a glass lined with an 8-ball of speed.

The Tiger Woods – mix sake, Ripple, 14 blonde ale beers, a shot of wheat grass and a shot of Norwegian vodka in a dented shaker with “fore” ice cubes. Serve in a Bloody Mary glass. You’ll be sure to be selling buuuuuuicks at the porcelain water hazard later.

The O.J. Simpson – it is a can of slice and a Bloody Mary. First you drink a slice and then the Bloody Mary.

The Gangbang – start with a Shirley Temple in a high ball glass, add a shot of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo. Shake vigorously and top with some Sam Adams.

The Tim Tebow – equal parts Gatorade and holy water poured into an old fashion glass where the rim is lined with freshly chopped onion, you know for the tears.

I am working on a drink called the Kim Jong Il but I don’t know how to get bat shit crazy into a glass. This place is going to rule right?

- Don’t get dead

Friday, May 14, 2010

Furniture Game

In a few days I am closing on a new house. And as is probably typical with most new home owners I am buying new furniture to fit the new house “theme” or whatever. Anyway, I am buying new furniture.

I don’t know what it is about furniture and car sales people but they bug the shit out of me. Just leave me alone. I know that if I have a question about something that you will be happy to answer it for me, got it, now go away. But they won’t go away, they are like freaking gnats. So I have had enough and started to have some fun with them.

We all know that theses sales leaches hang out by the front door just waiting for some fresh meat to walk in the door. Seriously tiger sharks are more courteous. So do what you can to throw them off of their game before they get you in their clutches. And they are going to get you, they always do. I mean you are going into their den or where ever leaches hang out.

• When they come up to you avoid them like they are paparazzi. And go the distance, put your hands up as if to block a picture of your face from being taken, put your arm over your eyes, the whole nine yards.
• Run from them as if you were playing freeze tag.
• Run from them in a zig-zag pattern as if it was a maze or slalom race course.
• One of my personal favorites is to walk in, once you seem them starting to move towards you, turn around and walk back out of the store. Do this a few times in a row.

So now you are in and you have been “greeted”, don’t give in.

• Introduce yourself to every sales person that you see and tell them that if there is anything that you can help them with, don’t hesitate to ask. Then just follow them around hanging back about ten feet or so.
• Ask a sales person for a price on something that is not marked, then see how many people you can get to go find you a price for it as well before the first one gets back.• Run from piece to piece hiding behind them as if you are trying not to be seen. Every now and then peep over a piece at the sales person. Get the big eyes then duck back down and run to the next piece.
• Ask the sales person to sit beside you on a couch so that you can see how easy it is to put your arm around someone because you are looking for your new “mackin” couch.
• When the sales person says to try out a couch, run and jump into it feet first and then lie over the arm of the couch or flip over and lay upside down on it. Tell them that this is going into the kids’ playroom.
• Tell the sales person to lay down with you on the couch because you and the wife likes to (use finger quotes) “snuggle” on the couch and that the sales person is about the same size as your wife, regardless of the size of the sales person.
• When looking at bedroom furniture ask the sales person if they think that a child’s body would fit into one of the dresser drawers.• When trying out a mattress lay flat on your back with your arms crossed palms down, up by your shoulders as if you were dead and posed that way. Stay very still and lay there for a while.
• Walk up to a piece of furniture and put your hand out flat at crotch level as if you were going to show someone how tall something was. Do a couple of pelvic thrust and say out loud, “This simply won’t do” and go to another piece of furniture.
• When looking at anything with drawers in it comment on how much weed, blow, horse, cheese or any other slang drug name do they think would fit into that drawer. For instance, “Man you could put a shitload of weed in that drawer” or “I bet I could easily get an entire key of some fine Columbian blow in that drawer, what do you think?”
• Ask the sales person if they think that the piece of furniture would hide a hole in a wall…about the size of an escape tunnel.
• Lay on a bed with your arms and legs stretched out into the shape of an X. Then say aloud, “I just can’t tell” and ask the sales person to lay on the bed in the same way. Then out loud estimate how much rope you would need to tie them to the bed.
• Ask the sales person if the bed is flame retardant. If asked why simply say, “Oh no reason” and walk away.
• Pick up random accessories and ask if they think and camera would fit in it. Again if asked why just tell them no reason and then put it down and walk away.
• Every time you look at a couch ask if it comes in Naugahyde.
• While looking at bedroom furniture, ask if they think the dresser would support your weight. Tell them that you sometimes like to wear a mask and cape and jump into bed from the dresser.
• Ask how hard would it be to cut through and particular piece of furniture with a chainsaw if it were …say …propped up against a door.
• Make your way over to the couches that have cup holders in them, point to the plastic cup holders and ask if the spit cups are extra.
• Ask the sales person if the piece you are looking at looks too (pick an ethnic group). Such as does this dining room set look too Jewy? Or is this couch too white trash? Change it up and keep asking.
• Tell them that you are looking for a replacement piece. Then take a piece of crime scene tape and lay on the furniture then step back and take a look at it from a distance. Then ask how fast they can deliver it.
• When looking at dining room chairs use them as if in a dance routine. Either jazz dance or Flashdance.
• Ask over and over again for each piece that you look at how well it repels blood, semen and animal hair.
• Ask what the measurements of random large objects are. When they ask how big of a piece do you need, tell them “big enough to cover a very large blood stai….to cover a large stain” and move on.
• Ask if the material holds in “fart smells”

Have I mentioned how my wife hates shopping with me? I have no idea why.

- Don’t get dead

Friday, May 07, 2010

Ring Music

I have a few friends who have songs that play when you call them while their phone is ringing. Not like ringtones but like hold music, meaning I hear it on my phone until they answer or the call goes to voicemail. And typically the music reflects their personalities.

I think that support groups should do this too. And they should put me in charge of picking the music. I bet I could have the hold times down to no time at all.

Like if someone called Over Eaters Anonymous they would hear Going the Distance by the band Cake? Or maybe Eat It by Weird Al.

Or these others support groups and heard these songs

Suicide Hot Line
- Jump by Van Halen
- Hurt by Nine Inch Nails
- Suicide Solution by Ozzy Osborne

Gamblers Anonymous
- The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

Debt & Finical Support Group
- Money by Pink Floyd

Alcoholics Anonymous
- One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer by George Thorogood
- I Drink Alone by George Thorogood
- Have a Drink On Me by AC/DC

ADHD Support Group
- Stop, Hey What’s That Sound by Buffalo Springfield

Divorce Recovery Support Group
- D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette

Road Rage Support Group
- I Can’t Drive 55 by Sammy Hagar

Masturbation Addiction Recovery
- I Touch Myself by The Divinyls

Cross Dressers Anonymous
- Dude Looks Like A Lady by Aerosmith

Sex Addicts Anonymous
- Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend by 20 Fingers
- Fat Bottom Girls by Queen
- Welcome to the Fuck Shop by 2 Live Crew

Drug Addicts Anonymous
- Cocaine by Eric Clapton
- Lit Up by Buckcherry
- Hits from the Bong by Cypress Hill
- Mary Jane by Rick James

Adulterers Anonymous
- Picture by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
- Community Property by Steel Panther

Abstinence Support Group
- C’mon And Love Me by Kiss
- Calling Dr. Love by Kiss

Herpes Support Group
- Breakout by the Foo Fighters

Chronic Pain Support Group
- Numb by Nine Inch Nails

Self-Cutters Anonymous
- Cuts Like a Knife by Brian Adams

Stop Smoking Support Group
- Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple
- Smoking in the Boys Room by Brownsville Station

Shoplifters Self Help
- Wrap It Up by The Fabulous Thunderbirds

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous
- One Hand in my Pocket by Alanis Morissette

Strip Club Addiction Support Group
- Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue

Booger Eaters Anonymous
- Taste Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

Dog Fighters Anonymous
- Who Let The Dogs Out by the Baja Men
- Bark at the Moon by Ozzy Osborne

Chicken Fighters Anonymous
- Feathers by Coheed and Cambria

Blood Drinkers Anonymous
- The Red by Chevelle

Codependency Support Group
- With or Without You by U2

Diabetes Support Group
- Sugar, Sugar by The Archies

Insomnia Support Group
- Up All Night by Slaughter

Loneliness Support Group
- One by Metallica
- One (is the Loneliest Number) by Three Dog Night
- I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry by Hank Williams

Bereavement Support Group
- Another One Bites the Dust by Queen

Coming Out Support Group
- Changes by Tesla
- The Real Me by The Who

Seizure Support Group
- Freak Out by Le Freak


Blindness Support Group
- I Can See Clearly Now by Jimmy Cliff
- Seeing Things by The Black Crows

Menopause Support Group
- Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Vasectomy Support Group
- Cuts Like A Knife by Brian Adams
- Balls To The Wall by Accept

Impotence Support Group
- Willie The Wimp by Stevie Ray Vaughn

IBS Self-Help and Support Group
- That Smell by Lynyrd Skynyrd



- Don’t get dead

Monday, May 03, 2010

Either do it or don’t but don’t jack up traffic

The other day while on my way to work I was listening to the radio for local traffic, news and weather just like most people do. I don’t like rush hour traffic any more than anyone else, matter of fact I probably hate it more than others.

During the traffic segment the reporter was talking about a jumper on one of the local bridges and how traffic was backed up.

If I didn’t have a meeting that morning I would have made my way over to the bridge where the jumper is, why because I had my iPod in the car.

You see these pricks are so starved for attention that they screw up everyone else’s day so that they get noticed.

So I have now created my jumper iPod playlist. The next time I hear about some goof on the roof of a building or a bridge I am going to make my way over and crank up my playlist which consist of the songs:

Jump by Van Halen (might as well jump)
Bodies by Drowning Pool (let the bodies hit the floor)
Fly by Sugar Ray (spread your wings and fly)
Let’s Go All The Way by Sly Fox
Jumper by Third Eye Blind
Jumping Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones
Time for Me to Fly by REO Speedwagon
Boulevard by Jackson Browne
Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
Jump by Kriss Kross
(I Just) Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew
Die Die My Darling by the Misfits
Catch Me I’m Falling by Pretty Poison
Free Falling by Tom Petty
Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz
Suicide Solution by Ozzy Osborne
Fly to the Angles by Slaughter
The Bird by The Time

Think that will get to point across?

- Don’t get dead

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Anyone where CONTACT LENSES if so could you help me here?? (My first time...)

Dear Sweezey,

Ok, well Im needing to get GLASSES bad as to I am blind as a bat lol. My question is, where is the best place to go get an EXAM, AND GET CONTACT LENSES that are affordable and good? But here is the thing, I know you have your DAILIES, WEEKS, THROW AWAYS ETC, BUT WTF DO I CHOOSE?? AND HOW DO I DO IT?

I want ones that I can get like six months, hell even up to a year at a time, but Id be grateful for SIX MONTHS at a time! Also, how much do they usually cost? I was wanting to get colored ones too. Im just trying to weigh my options as to where to go.

And YES, I CAN AFFORD EVERYTHING!!!

Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am going to go easy on you for the spelling and grammar on this one. But after reading your letter my best advice to you would be to go to A FUCKING OPTOMETRIST! Just an idea.

I swear I am starting to worry about you people. Do you all live under powerlines? Does your microwave have a door that actually closes? Eat a lot of paint chips or someting?

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dear Sweezey - My loser husband can't find a good paying job

Dear Sweezey,

My loser husband can't find a good paying job. He is a life long car salesman has not only bankruped our family with his silly jobs, but we've also lost our home to foreclosure and now i'm BEYOND pissed off. If he can't find a FULL TIME, decent paying job (with benefits) by the end of April, I'll be forced into looking for work just to pay some bills around here. This is NOT what I was planning on doing in my 40's. He hasn't even saved a dime for our retirement either. Wish that I could turn the clock back 25+ years and do things differently, but for now i'm stuck with an unemployable moron.

- Done in Dallas


Dear Done,

What do you want me to do about this? I’m not hiring. But let me see if I can help anyway.

So let me get this right. Your husband is the one that was, and probably always was, the one in the relationship who was working and somehow he is the loser? Yeeaahhhhh.

Here is the deal, you sound like a lazy bitch to me. I don’t know you but I do see that you don’t want to get off of your ass to get a job. So your house got foreclosed on and it is somehow his fault? I am sure that it has nothing to do with the entire nation being in turmoil huh. It has nothing to do with the country being in a recession at all, no that can’t be it.

So you are now beyond pissed huh. And if he can’t find a good paying full time job with benefits and a company car and a huge office with a corporate credit card or whatever the hell other bullshit demands that you have, you will be forced to look for a job huh? Considering that you don’t know that “I’m” is supposed to have a capital “I” and that the correct spelling of bankruped is bankrupted and “life long” is actually one word, I say good luck with that job hunt. I bet your resume looks like a monkey wrote it. I hope that you have some highly desirable skill set. But I can’t think of anything that is going to pay worth a damn that you can do with a mediocre, at best, command of the English language and grammar. If you don’t have enough sense to use spell check, how are you going to be able to get a job paying enough to elevate you back to queen bee status?

Now, as far as the retirement, I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me thinks why would he want to put something away for some ungrateful hag to blow? Then again, I see that you didn’t do anything to either encourage him to save or take the money you blew and put it into a rainy day savings on your own. You two are in this relationship together, sadly for him.

Nowhere in your letter did you explain what you have done for your relationship. What did you do in the past that is so fantastic? What makes you so great that you can’t join the workforce unless you have to? Why don’t you take the Marlboro 100 out of your sorry mouth and start picking up the place? Its call initiative, you should look it up. (Pssst, try dictionary.com!)

If you were worth a crap you should kiss his ass for taking care of you for this long while you didn’t do shit and let him know that you are there for him and that you two are going to do what it takes to get through this hard time in life together. But I am sure that you are far too good for that.

So this isn’t what you had planned on doing in your 40’s? That reminds me of an old Russian saying, “Tough Shitski!” I bet your husband didn’t plan on being legally bound to some ungrateful leach for 25+ years either. I find it funny that you call him a moron, yet you have apparently done nothing to better the situation until you are forced to. You heard about people who live in glass houses right?

I hope that your husband does get a great job and very soon. And then I hope he takes some of the money from his first paycheck and hire a divorce lawyer. I bet you would change your tune then.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Great show idea!

There is a show on the TV channel Spike called “Deadliest Warrior”. In this show they take various warriors throughout the world and history that would have never fought against each other naturally, like a pirate and a knight, and put them against each other in computer simulation battles. In the show they also detail four types of weapons for each warrior: a long range weapon; a mid range weapon; a close range weapon; and a special weapon. They have various ways of measuring the amount of lethal force that each weapon would produce and they tell which weapon would have the edge when it comes to deadly force. Then they run the battles 1000 times to see who comes out on top.

So my thought is why don’t we bring this into the current time? But instead of warriors how about we use regular annoying types of people. We could call it something like “Annoyingist (I know it’s not a real word) Citizen”. And instead of lethality we could rate the weapons on the level or annoyance.

For instance we would put soccer moms against metrosexual men.

So the long range weapon for the soccer moms would have to be the minivan/SUV. It really would be a multipurpose weapon. You have the distraction factor with the stickers on the back window with all of their kids names and what sports/activities that they play. Then there is the inability to park the vehicle. One could conceivable be injured or killed while gawking at the vehicle. But the most deadly/annoying part of this weapon would be the driving. Then there are the sudden lane changes, weaving and sudden braking because of texting or talking on the phone. This weapon is probably the deadliest/most annoying of all weapons.

The long range weapon for the metrosexual male would be the almighty cell phone. This weapon is also a multipurpose weapon as well. First there is way too cool for everyone else ringtone, typically a song from the top 40 or some kind of theme song like the theme from the Godfather movies. Additionally there are the very loud conversations, ones that contain the words dude, bro, killer, sweet, brah, man and nice over and over again in the same conversation. But that’s not all, then there is the constant playing with the phone (texting, checking email, downloading new aps, tossing/flipping the phone around or checking the time over and over again).

I would have to give the edge for long range weapons to the metrosexual male. I think that is more annoying.

The mid range weapon of choice for the soccer mom is screaming from the bleachers at the kid’s games. Hands down, this is a powerful weapon. And it is a broad range weapon too. Everyone in the area will be impacted by this weapon. The auditory assault is unbelievable. Go Timmy! Kick it Bobby! Run Johnny! Over and over and over again will drive you insane in virtually no time. And there is always the threat of the mom starting a chant, “Let’s go bombers, let’s go!”

The metrosexual male’s mid range weapon of choice is the annoying fake laugh. This weapon is also an auditory bomb. This weapon has to be deployed in a special way. The proper way to use this weapon is to be in the center of a group of people, typically with a cell phone at ones head. Once the stage is set, the detonation sequence is ready to begin. The guy has to stand up straight and tall, throw their head back and let out a big fake toothy laugh that carries. Now this weapon, unlike the screams from the bleachers, is a one dimensional weapon but still very powerful.

For mid range weapons I would have to give the edge to the soccer mom.

The close range weapon for the soccer mom is the oversized gear bag, typically used in conjunction with a slow meandering walk causing no one to be able to get by her. But that’s not the only way to use it. This weapon can also be used in many different ways such as flinging her upper body around without regard for anyone or anything around her, typically ending with the bag hitting a small child in the head or a dad in the junk. There is also the sudden drop of the large bag without warning of any type causing people behind her to trip, stumble and/or fall. Another way that this bag, which is big enough to smuggle villages of illegal aliens into the country, can be used is by almost violently searching for something in the bag. Not only is the mom scurrying though the bag, she is also yelling at her kids asking them if they brought such and such.

The close range weapon for the metrosexual male is cologne. This weapon is used in mass typically ambushing its victims. The overpriced high end department store liquid weapon of mass annoyance appears to be deployed as something that they get baptized in regardless of the appeal, or lack thereof, to ANYONE’S sense of smell. Typically this weapon causes its victims eyes and nose to burn uncontrollably. While an effective weapon, cologne has its limitations.

The edge for close range weapons goes to the soccer mom.

The soccer mom unleashes a wonderful weapon for its special weapon, her other children. Oh yes, a very powerful and multidirectional weapon which can be unleashed on the masses at any time, needs no set up and can swarm. This weapon can be used in a multitude of ways from running up and down the bleachers or throughout the park to yelling and screaming down the sides of the field to crying because they want a Popsicle to yelling because they need to go poopy and on and on and on. This is one hell of an annoying weapon.

As for the metrosexual male, their special weapon of choice is personal grooming. This too is a multifunctional weapon. This weapon contains everything from the slicked back Guido hair to the tanning bed tan which is darker than most Puerto Ricans. But the weapon doesn’t stop there. It also contains their manicure/pedicure, bleached teeth, waxed eyebrows, shaven underarms, arms and legs. These weapons are typically accompanied with big stupid looking sunglasses worn indoors at night, popped collars and rollup up shirt sleeves. And this weapon will be instantly unleashed anytime there is a camera or cell phone with a camera in close proximity.

This is a really close one but I think I have to give the edge to the metrosexual male on the special weapons. For a couple of reasons actually, not all soccer moms have more than one child and not all kids are annoying.

So after simulating the simulation in my head I have to crown the first Annoyingist Citizen to …… the metrosexual male. It was a very close battle but extreme vanity won out over living vicariously.

Upcoming battles will contain members of society such as senior citizens, cab drivers, rednecks, English soccer fans, hippy/free spirits, mall kiosk sales person, computer programmers, customer service reps, bar fly, jock, mall walkers, mall rat, gym rat, technology geek, biker, country boy, club girl, fast food manager, previously fat person who is now thinner, musicians, local stage actors, radio dj, left lane slow drivers, used car sales person, waiter, housewife, cokehead, pothead, surfer dude, immigrant worker, teenager, stripper, reality tv star, science fiction geek, local politician, engaged female, newlywed female, valet, nerd, armature photographer, stylist/barber, ice cream truck driver, stay at home mom, currier, debt collector, roofer, carpet installer, lawn crew, pool boy, sorority girls, frat boys, pizza delivery guy, skaters, new parents, cleaning crew, MMA fanatics, birthday clowns, cougars, milfs, community leaders, retail sales person, gay men, lesbians and so on. Get your TiVos ready and stay tuned.

- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Nope, It’s Me

You know, it’s amazing that I am not in jail or at least getting my ass kicked on a regular basis. I have never hidden the fact that I like things a certain way, everything from my house to my food. Ask my builder, he will tell you what a pain in the ass I am. But don’t ask the staff at Wendy’s, they will just tell you that I am a prick and … well, I can’t really argue with them.

You see one night I was coming home really late from a card game and wanted a spicy chicken sandwich. But I am funny about how I like them. For some reason I am not a fan of hot mayonnaise. It is just gross to me. And after a card game one night, around 2:00 AM, I am damn sure not a fan of it.

As you can probably imagine the dining room was closed and only the drive-thru was open. Like a good little fast food patron I wait in line, place my order without mayo, pay for it and pull out of the way once I get my food. I actually pulled into a parking spot, reached into the bag and pulled out this chicken sandwich that was covered in hot, greasy mayo.

Since I was already parked I just walked up to the drive-thru window between the car that just left and the car that was next in line and explained that my order was wrong to the lovely young (extreme sarcasm) lady.

Get this, this bitch wanted me to get back in my car, go to the back of the drive-thru line which wrapped around the building and then reorder my food.

No, fuck you tons of fun, I already waited in that long as line one time and you guys jacked up my order, not me! So I explained that I wasn’t going to do that and that I just wanted my food the way that I ordered it. In a huff this bitch closes the window on me while I am standing there and just steps away. That’s when I turned into the incredible a-hole.

I take the sandwich out of the wrapper and tap on the window. When Attila looks over, I open the sandwich dropping the chicken on the ground and taking the bun and smearing the mayo down both sides of the window and walk back to my car.

Some of the people in line cheered and honked their horn. But Attila stuck one of her ham hock arms and pumpkin head out of the window yelling at me that I had to “clean this shit up”. I turned to her and told her that she would have to go to the end of the line. I know, very childish. To which she responded with a one finger hand sign. I think it was a gang sign. Haha

- Don’t get dead

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Men.....

Dear Sweezey,

Just seems like all men want is sex. They make promise after promise with no intention of actually following through. I don't want anything but honesty...can't understand why men don't give that? I think I am going to just stay away from all of them. It's just easier.

Thanks in advance,

Everywhere

Dear Everywhere,

Are you saying that you are going to start fighting for the lesbinease? Hell yeah!

But to answer your question if you keep falling for the same thing over and over men think that is what you want, because you keep doing it. I know that if I see someone doing the same thing over and over again I think they like it. It’s almost Pavlovian.

So you see it’s really your fault because you are misleading men. How dare you for point fingers at innocent men who go out of their way to lie to you simply to make you happy. You know these men are going out of their way just to please you. Shame on you!

And yeah, you’re right. All men what is sex. You’re not really breaking the news with that revelation.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Question for women

Dear Sweezey,

I know that this may sound dumb but, I recently caught my wife cheating on me. I walked in and caught her bent over the couch. We had never done this before and my question is do women like to be bent over and fucked? I always thought that it would be uncomfortable.

- Big D

Dear Big D,

You catch your wife cheating and that’s your question? Seriously? You didn’t ask about a good divorce lawyer or if you might catch something from her, who should move out or any of that stuff? You didn’t even ask if you would have gone to jail if you shot him. You got one messed up relationship dude.

At least now you know why the couch smells like that.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dear Sweezey - Daddy's Guitar

Dear Sweezey,

I am having to sell my father's guitar. He was a bass player for Billy Haley and the Comets. My father got the name "Comets" because he got drunk off Pabst Blue Ribbon one night and saw one. Anyways, this guitar was personally signed by Haley himself and my father was very grateful for him. Bill used to sing us songs when we were kids. Anyways, a man from Memphis offered $88,000 for the guitar and I am psyched that its worth that much but I am sad to see it go. I am a laid off factory worker here from Little Rock, I'm 52 years old with nothing but 22 years working for a packing company for 22 years and nothing, I have nothing.

What should I do? Do you think that I should sell it or hold out and see if I can get more for it?

Thanks for your help,

Jr. Bass


Dear Jr.,

Are you following in your daddy’s footsteps with the PBR right now? Hell yeah you should sell it! Your ass is broke with no job. Hell, 88K is more that some people make in a year.

And since you obviously don’t make real smart finical decisions let me help you out a little bit. Just as soon as you get your money, go to Office Depot and buy a sharpie then go to your bank, assuming you have a bank account (if not open one) and put the rest of the money in the bank and DON’T TOUCH IT. Ever! And if you think you need to get some of that money out kick yourself in the nuts first. You’re 52 and don’t have shit? The last think you need to do is blow your genetic lottery winnings.

Why the sharpie? Well a couple of months ago I had a garage sale where I sold a circular saw that Elvis signed for $50. I also sold a kitchen clock that Jimi Hendrix signed for $17 and the vacuum cleaner that Stevie Ray Vaughn used to vacuum my living room then signed, I got $40 for it. When I get home Kurt Cobain is going to sign a baseball cap. Get it? Take a picture of that autograph and practice, practice, practice!

If I was you, the bass player for Bill Haley and the Comets son (yikes), Bill Haley would have signed every book, toaster, article of clothing and anything else that I could find in my house. Bill Haley would be signing boxes of macaroni and cheese just as soon as I got home.

Hope this helps,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Monday, April 19, 2010

This weekend

For those of you who don’t know, I live in the Dallas area. And people around here think that the world is about to end. Not because of all of the recent earthquakes or the volcano in Iceland or the Mayan calendar or anything like that. Nope nothing like that. They think it’s because we had a big snow storm last winter and we have gotten more rain than usual this year.

Now the rain is really causing problems flooding, traffic problems and even a small landslide.

We even got more rain over the weekend. And it really has a lot of people up in arms. Because of the flooding you may ask? Nope. Traffic? Not so much. Landslides? Oh, swing and a miss! Nope, the rain over the weekend jacked up a NASCAR race. OH THE HORROR!!

It was the lead story on pretty much every news outlet. You would have thought that someone was giving away money by the amount of coverage that it got. Nothing on what’s going on in the Middle East, nothing on what the president is doing, noting on the stock market. Nope none of that unimportant stuff, we didn’t get to have the NASCAR race was top dog.

So the rain kept the races from happening over the weekend and this morning again, it’s the lead story on all of the local news outlets. The big story now is that they are going to finish the race today but not everyone is going to be able to see the race. Apparently the last time they finished a race on a Monday there were eighty thousand people there and the track hoped to beat that record today.

I really don’t see how that will be so hard. I saw the aerial footage of the track parking and it looks to me like most of the fans brought their houses with them.

- Don’t get dead

Sunday, April 18, 2010

New Superheroes

Of course growing up every boy wanted to be a superhero. There were the usual guys, Captain America, Superman, Batman, Spiderman, The Green Hornet and so on. Then there were some new superheroes in that Ben Stiller movie. One guy had a special bowling ball and I think there was a guy with some forks or something, I don’t remember exactly. But the thing about those guys is that that all had special powers. I think that it is time for people with normal powers to become heroes.

As I was thinking about how we need some new Superheroes I heard about this new movie “Kick Ass” that is about ordinary people without super powers making themselves Super Heroes. I saw on the news there are these people running around NYC donning capes and mask. So I know there are others who have been thinking like me.

For instance there could be “Annoy The Hell Out Of You Man”. His powers would be something like clearing his throat over and over, or maybe some weird non-stop laughing. He would just frustrate the bad guys into giving up.

What about “Body Odor Man”. His superpower could be that he smells of rotting maggots. All he would need would be a big fan that he could point at the bad guys and stand between the fan and the bad guys. I would think it would be hard to commit crimes while dry heaving uncontrollably.

“Long Story Man” would tell the longest, boring, no point having stories without letting the bad guy get a word in edgewise. While he assaults the bad guys eardrums and holds them hostage until the police get there or the hostages have time to devise an escape plan or whatever. This hero is most effective when he is older in life.

What about “Hairy Fat Man in a Speedo… Man”! His powers are obvious, complete distraction. Seriously, who could look away from that train wreck?

There also could be “Know It All Man”. He would be able to disarm/distract the crook by telling them how he could escape from the knot that they used to tie up the hostages or how the explosive they devised isn’t strong enough to bust through the wall and he could build a better one. This hero is most effective by causing the criminals to run head first into the closest brick wall.

Oh and what about “Mega Bitch Woman”! She would be able to fight crime by nonstop nagging and constant bitching until the bad guys would turn their weapons on themselves. I bet that if there were several of these heroines and if enough of them hang out together, in time they will be able fight unthinkable amounts of crime all at the same time. Probably even rid the world of crime all together. All while telling you how you are doing it wrong. The only downside is that she would only be able to fight crime once a month for about a week.

- Don’t get dead

Friday, April 16, 2010

Masculinity on a serious decline

A recent survey by research group Dewey, Cheatem & Howe shows that there is a huge decline in masculinity among men in the United States.  That’s right the new survey shows a two thirds drop over the last year.

  The reason isn’t that men have stopped drinking beer and martinis in favor of mojitos and daiquiris.  Or that men have stopped working on cars or quit wood working.  There is no drop in the amount of men who weld or ride motorcycles.  And only a slight decrease in the number of men who work in their lawns, but not enough to affect the survey.

  So you may be asking what is causing the drop. Blackberrys, iPhones and so on are to blame.  Yes, that’s right, the ole twitter from the shitter is to blame.  This survey shows that two thirds more men are sitting to pee because of checking facebook or their fantasy league on their smartphone while taking a squirt.

  Standing to pee, there’s no app for that.

  -- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Game Shows

I have decided that the American TV audience needs some new games shows, prime time game shows at that. So I have decided to help out the networks with my game show ideas. Maybe it’s just me but I would watch these.

Faking It – The contestant is dressed appropriately for a profession and they have to see how long they can last before someone calls them out. The longer they make it the more cash and prizes they win.

Lit Up – A game where people are asked questions either from the news and current events or common sense type questions. Every time that they get a question wrong, they get shocked with a taser.

Strip Geography – That’s right, if you can’t find Iraq on a map you got to show the nation your Willie!

Project X – A game show where you take repeat offender and run medical experiments on them. I don’t quite know how to make a “game” out of it but I like the idea.

Hazing – A game show where contestants have to go through college hazing for cash and prizes. But it’s not just going through the task that helps you win prizes. No, no, no, it’s not that easy. You have to decide what the sponsor for that prize would think. For example, say the prize is a new car. To win the car you are brought into a room with a door on the left and a door on the right. You are handed a condom and told that there is a goat behind the door on the right and the door on the left leads you back stage. What do you do? How bad do you want the new car? Do you think that the announcer is going to say, “This instance of bestiality is brought to you by Ford”? I don’t think so either. So if you decide to poke a goat you lose it all but if you decide to only put your pecker in your own species then you win the new car. Or maybe you have to drink a cup of spit to win Ozarka water for life. Let a blind person give you a hair cut that you have to keep for a month to win Toni and Guy gift certificates?

Gut Buster – Contestants are fed tons of greasy junk food followed by pots of strong black coffee. Whoever stays clean the longest wins!

Crazy or Not Crazy – Contestants sit on a panel and ask a guest questions to see if they can figure out if the guest is a loon. Questions like how many cats do you have? How many stuffed Disney characters are in your bedroom? How many times in a row would you call someone’s cell phone (psycho dial) if you where trying to get a hold of them? Or maybe, what’s inside your medicine chest at home? Do you think that the government is following you? Have you ever been abducted by aliens? Correct guesses get your prizes.

What would you sacrifice? – A game show where all of the contestants have a need (food, money, job, car, etc.) which they can win. But they will have to sacrifice something (toe, ear, dignity, spouse, whatever). So to win, they have to lose.

Dog or starving person – This is a race game where you take various people who are starving and they have to race various dogs to win food. First one there gets the food. Sometimes it might be just a straight race, sometimes it might be an obstacle course.

Reunion – A game show where bullies are reunited with the kids that they picked on and a judge rule as to if the kid was a bully or not. The winner gets payback. Like the looser has to be strapped into labor stirrups and the winner gets a paintball gun. You can see where this is going. Or the looser is strapped down and the winner gets some thick cardstock and they get to go Edward Scissorhands on the looser.

Will This Kill Me? – Contestants have to decide if an item (food, weapon or other) would kill them. But here’s the catch, they only win cash and prizes if they don’t think that the item will kill them and they are right. Of course they have to try it to find out.

Poop or Food? – Contestants have to figure out if what’s in the bowl IS food or WAS food. Bonus points if they take a bite. Ehh, this one might be a bit much even for me.

Don’t get dead

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I am a GINORMIOUS shithead

I had to run an errand at lunch today and of course it took longer than I expected. So when everything was done and I was hauling ass back to the office as fast as I can taking what I thought was a short cut, I run into traffic of course. I turn onto this side road and there I am behind these slow-ass drivers on this two lane road and I swear we didn’t get above 20 mph. So yeah, I was about to pull the steering wheel off of the steering column. I mean there is this long ass line of cars just poking along. And I know that they were all doing it on purpose, just to piss me off. After what seemed like a couple of miles I said to myself “F it!” and started to work my way though the traffic. Every chance I got I would zoom around one car, sometimes two. And even though we were packed together pretty tight I really didn’t have a problem getting in. I bet that I passed about forty cars when I thought to myself “someone should kill the asshole who is causing this backup”. Well, someone did, maybe. I found myself behind the lead car of the backup, a hearse. I had just weaved my way though a funeral procession.

There is no doubt that I am King Dickhead. And this time it was an accident! Where’s my crown?

Don’t get dead

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Yep, I am still the king (asshole)

So there I am in the elevator at work on my way down to the lobby when it stops at the second floor. I am sure that I am not the only one in the elevator who wanted to get to the garage, get in their car and head home. But I am sure that I am the only one who said, “What kind of asshole can’t go DOWN one flight of stairs?!” This would be when the door opened and a girl in a wheelchair got in the elevator. Oh fucking shoot me! A couple of people chuckled and I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. Being the king kind of sucks sometimes.

Don’t get dead

Monday, January 18, 2010

Famous kids who it would suck to be

I always find it interesting how society is obsessed with what the children of famous people are doing, sort of the “they are famous for being famous” syndrome. People like the children of presidents, Michael Jackson’s kids and Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’s kid. Probably the most famous of these are Nicky and Paris Hilton and Nichole Richey. Even Ozzy Osbourne’s kids had their fifteen minutes of fame. And they are put on a pedestal and get the royal treatment for some reason. Which has got to be great, but I got to thinking about famous people whose kids it must suck to be.

People like Ron Jeremy or John Holmes son(s). Yep, right out of the gate I am “going there”. Think about the hell it would be to be the son of one of those guys and you don’t have the same “gift” that their fathers do. Their life from the time that they are teenagers until the time that they do finally meet a woman who loved them for them and get married would be sheer hell. Funny how I doubt that Linda Lovelace’s daughter would catch hell, go figure.

Or Helen Keller’s kids as teenagers if they have any sort of morals. You know that there would be one weekend where they were grounded and it just so happens on that same weekend a friend’s parents were out of town. And said friend was having a huge party. What excuse would you have? That you where on restriction and couldn’t sneak out? Your mother is a blind, deaf, mute! You know that your friends would give you shit for the rest of your life. I mean to throw her off, move the couch or something and she would get lost and you are in the clear.

Then there is Albert Einstein’s kid(s), do you have any idea the kind of pressure you would be under to not only make the honor roll but to be the valedictorian. Anything less than an A+ and people are going to talk. And you know that Adolf Hitler’s kid would just happen to have the seat next to little Albert. Of course Adolf Jr. would force the young Einstein to let him cheat off of his papers. You think he is going to tell Adolf Hitler’s kid no? Hell no he isn’t. I mean that takes my dad can beat up your dad to a whole new level.

How bad would it suck to be Harry Houdini’s kid? All of your life people are trying to sneak up on you, tie you up and see if you can escape. Over and over again some asshole is going to run up behind you with a rope or some handcuffs and try to tie you into some pretzel shape just to see if you can get loose. Lil Dini (as his friends would call him) will have to learn how to master the junk punch at an early age.

And what about Lou Gehrig Jr. Do you think he could ever get decent life insurance that doesn’t cost him an arm and a leg? And would anyone allow him to sign any sort of long term contract? That would have to be a bitch.

Chuck Norris Jr. Oh hell yeah, little Chucky is going to tote an ass beating from day one. You know that this kid is going to have to hear “So you are a tough guy huh” and “Hiyah!” all of their freaking life, every day some smuck will think it would be funny to go up to him and do some stupid Karate Kid pose or something. The up side to this is that whole my dad can beat up your dad thing I was talking about earlier. Yeah, there will be some really pissed off dads in the neighborhood. Sore too I would imagine.

On to Casanova’s son. Look there is enough pressure to be a good lover. I damn sure wouldn’t want to be the offspring of the world’s greatest lover throughout all of history. Fuck that. If you just had one bad experience you would be toast. These bitches will talk and when they talk, they will cut you. I wouldn’t want that. What if you just wanted a quicky? You know the rumor mill would be in overdrive about how you couldn’t last. Not a chance in hell, way too much pressure.

What about Christopher Walken’s kids? I love Walken and as cool as the home life might be, that public life has got to be a pain in the ass. Because you know that you can’t just go out to eat without every half-retard in the tri-state area coming up to you and trying to do an impression, regardless of how painful, of your father. Like you don’t know what he sounds like. And I’m not going to do any impressions here, because quite frankly I have found that they don’t go over well in text.

And what about Jenny Craig’s kids? People watching every little thing that you eat and if you gain five pounds your momma has to hear about how her own kids can’t follow her plan. And you better pray that you don’t become bulimic and let anyone find out about it. Christmas would suck that year for sure.

Oh, and what about Tom Bodett’s kids! This is probably the place where you are thinking “What?! Why would it suck to be Tom Bodett’s kids?” I’ll tell you why. Because any time one of your little horny friends even thinks that there is a remote chance that they might get laid, who do you think they are going to come to looking for a free hotel room, Motel 6 or not. Oh yeah. And he can’t take her to their place because he lives with his parents and if you let that little nugget of information out you can kiss your lovin goodbye. Oh god, and after prom, can you imagine how “popular” you would be?

What about King Henry VIII’s son? Do you think he had a hard time finding a girlfriend? You damn right he did. Why? Because his daddy liked to cut women’s heads off, that’s why. And let’s be honest, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I know if I was a chick who found myself attracted to him I would have to think long and hard about it. You know, do the pros and cons thing. Pros: his family is well off, he is a nice guy, I am sure we would travel the world, we would have the finest things that the world has to offer. Cons: My head might be in a basket while my body is still on the Guillotine tomorrow. Cons wins! (just as an fyi, I know about Prince Edward/Edward VI, I’m just saying it would be tough)

And then there are the children of Louis & Clark or Christopher Columbus. You can never get lost or not know how to get somewhere if you were their kids. At some point you would just have to say “Damn, I’ve never been to Cleveland, how in the hell and I supposed to find the Denny’s on Fifth St?” or “F you and the north star, go buy a Garmin!”

One of the worst has got to be the son or daughter of Mr. Webster. No not the guy from the 80’s sitcom show, the guy who has his name on the dictionary. All day long people asking you how to spell stuff and what things mean. And you damn sure better not lose a spelling bee!

What about the children of “Tom” from myspace? Simply because everyone would want to beat your ass or his ass by proxy.

Of course there are Betty Ford’s kids. You can never have a drink in public without someone going and telling your momma to get a room ready at her clinic. What kind of shit would that be? Tough day at work and you want to come home and crack open a beer or have a glass of wine? Think again, you get to unwind with water. Thanks mom!

And don’t you think it would be tough being the son of the guy who invented the radar gun? You would be the most unpopular kid in high school and college. Some kid would seek him out and say “ I got a ticket on the way to take my finals so I was late and they locked the doors so I failed and have to take this BS class again next semester. Tell your dad to go and invent some more shit, I dare ya!”

Let’s take a journey in the way back machine and think about how bad it would suck to be the caveson of the caveman who invented the wheel. All day long Og would be trying to convince you to sneak the wheel out of the garage or to let him borrow the wheel because he has a hot date that he wants to impress. And every Tom, Dick and Uhhuhhahhahh wanting you to give them rides all over the cave. Then when you do get to take the wheel out you get busted racing a saber toothed cat. It’s just a bad situation.

One of the very worst would have to be the daughter of the guy who invented the chastity belt. You pretty much know what you are doing every Friday and Saturday night for damn near the rest of your life. Because you won’t be getting asked out on a lot of dates regardless of how pretty you are. Of course you know that if a guy does ask you out that he either really REALLY likes her for who she is or he is new in town. Then again, she might give wicked good oral… who knows maybe she won’t be home every weekend.

Ahh yes, Evil Knievel’s son. No, not Robbie, the other son. The one who is scared of heights and thinks that motorcycles are inherently dangerous. Over and over again he would get interviewed and asked why he doesn’t follow in his fathers and brothers footsteps. And over and over again he would have to tell the interviewer that he is afraid of heights and that motorcycles are dangerous. And then wait for the interviewer to try and hold back their laughter.

What about the kids of the Mexican Donkey show woman? Yeah on the surface you might get some giggles or some people might point and whisper, which would be enough. But what about on “Career Day” where you have to bring a parent to school and they stand up in front of your entire class and tell what they do for a living and answer questions from the class. She better go first because there are going to be questions… lots of questions.

And there are probably others. But I don’t know I could be wrong.

Don’t get dead
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