Monday, January 18, 2010

Famous kids who it would suck to be

I always find it interesting how society is obsessed with what the children of famous people are doing, sort of the “they are famous for being famous” syndrome. People like the children of presidents, Michael Jackson’s kids and Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’s kid. Probably the most famous of these are Nicky and Paris Hilton and Nichole Richey. Even Ozzy Osbourne’s kids had their fifteen minutes of fame. And they are put on a pedestal and get the royal treatment for some reason. Which has got to be great, but I got to thinking about famous people whose kids it must suck to be.

People like Ron Jeremy or John Holmes son(s). Yep, right out of the gate I am “going there”. Think about the hell it would be to be the son of one of those guys and you don’t have the same “gift” that their fathers do. Their life from the time that they are teenagers until the time that they do finally meet a woman who loved them for them and get married would be sheer hell. Funny how I doubt that Linda Lovelace’s daughter would catch hell, go figure.

Or Helen Keller’s kids as teenagers if they have any sort of morals. You know that there would be one weekend where they were grounded and it just so happens on that same weekend a friend’s parents were out of town. And said friend was having a huge party. What excuse would you have? That you where on restriction and couldn’t sneak out? Your mother is a blind, deaf, mute! You know that your friends would give you shit for the rest of your life. I mean to throw her off, move the couch or something and she would get lost and you are in the clear.

Then there is Albert Einstein’s kid(s), do you have any idea the kind of pressure you would be under to not only make the honor roll but to be the valedictorian. Anything less than an A+ and people are going to talk. And you know that Adolf Hitler’s kid would just happen to have the seat next to little Albert. Of course Adolf Jr. would force the young Einstein to let him cheat off of his papers. You think he is going to tell Adolf Hitler’s kid no? Hell no he isn’t. I mean that takes my dad can beat up your dad to a whole new level.

How bad would it suck to be Harry Houdini’s kid? All of your life people are trying to sneak up on you, tie you up and see if you can escape. Over and over again some asshole is going to run up behind you with a rope or some handcuffs and try to tie you into some pretzel shape just to see if you can get loose. Lil Dini (as his friends would call him) will have to learn how to master the junk punch at an early age.

And what about Lou Gehrig Jr. Do you think he could ever get decent life insurance that doesn’t cost him an arm and a leg? And would anyone allow him to sign any sort of long term contract? That would have to be a bitch.

Chuck Norris Jr. Oh hell yeah, little Chucky is going to tote an ass beating from day one. You know that this kid is going to have to hear “So you are a tough guy huh” and “Hiyah!” all of their freaking life, every day some smuck will think it would be funny to go up to him and do some stupid Karate Kid pose or something. The up side to this is that whole my dad can beat up your dad thing I was talking about earlier. Yeah, there will be some really pissed off dads in the neighborhood. Sore too I would imagine.

On to Casanova’s son. Look there is enough pressure to be a good lover. I damn sure wouldn’t want to be the offspring of the world’s greatest lover throughout all of history. Fuck that. If you just had one bad experience you would be toast. These bitches will talk and when they talk, they will cut you. I wouldn’t want that. What if you just wanted a quicky? You know the rumor mill would be in overdrive about how you couldn’t last. Not a chance in hell, way too much pressure.

What about Christopher Walken’s kids? I love Walken and as cool as the home life might be, that public life has got to be a pain in the ass. Because you know that you can’t just go out to eat without every half-retard in the tri-state area coming up to you and trying to do an impression, regardless of how painful, of your father. Like you don’t know what he sounds like. And I’m not going to do any impressions here, because quite frankly I have found that they don’t go over well in text.

And what about Jenny Craig’s kids? People watching every little thing that you eat and if you gain five pounds your momma has to hear about how her own kids can’t follow her plan. And you better pray that you don’t become bulimic and let anyone find out about it. Christmas would suck that year for sure.

Oh, and what about Tom Bodett’s kids! This is probably the place where you are thinking “What?! Why would it suck to be Tom Bodett’s kids?” I’ll tell you why. Because any time one of your little horny friends even thinks that there is a remote chance that they might get laid, who do you think they are going to come to looking for a free hotel room, Motel 6 or not. Oh yeah. And he can’t take her to their place because he lives with his parents and if you let that little nugget of information out you can kiss your lovin goodbye. Oh god, and after prom, can you imagine how “popular” you would be?

What about King Henry VIII’s son? Do you think he had a hard time finding a girlfriend? You damn right he did. Why? Because his daddy liked to cut women’s heads off, that’s why. And let’s be honest, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I know if I was a chick who found myself attracted to him I would have to think long and hard about it. You know, do the pros and cons thing. Pros: his family is well off, he is a nice guy, I am sure we would travel the world, we would have the finest things that the world has to offer. Cons: My head might be in a basket while my body is still on the Guillotine tomorrow. Cons wins! (just as an fyi, I know about Prince Edward/Edward VI, I’m just saying it would be tough)

And then there are the children of Louis & Clark or Christopher Columbus. You can never get lost or not know how to get somewhere if you were their kids. At some point you would just have to say “Damn, I’ve never been to Cleveland, how in the hell and I supposed to find the Denny’s on Fifth St?” or “F you and the north star, go buy a Garmin!”

One of the worst has got to be the son or daughter of Mr. Webster. No not the guy from the 80’s sitcom show, the guy who has his name on the dictionary. All day long people asking you how to spell stuff and what things mean. And you damn sure better not lose a spelling bee!

What about the children of “Tom” from myspace? Simply because everyone would want to beat your ass or his ass by proxy.

Of course there are Betty Ford’s kids. You can never have a drink in public without someone going and telling your momma to get a room ready at her clinic. What kind of shit would that be? Tough day at work and you want to come home and crack open a beer or have a glass of wine? Think again, you get to unwind with water. Thanks mom!

And don’t you think it would be tough being the son of the guy who invented the radar gun? You would be the most unpopular kid in high school and college. Some kid would seek him out and say “ I got a ticket on the way to take my finals so I was late and they locked the doors so I failed and have to take this BS class again next semester. Tell your dad to go and invent some more shit, I dare ya!”

Let’s take a journey in the way back machine and think about how bad it would suck to be the caveson of the caveman who invented the wheel. All day long Og would be trying to convince you to sneak the wheel out of the garage or to let him borrow the wheel because he has a hot date that he wants to impress. And every Tom, Dick and Uhhuhhahhahh wanting you to give them rides all over the cave. Then when you do get to take the wheel out you get busted racing a saber toothed cat. It’s just a bad situation.

One of the very worst would have to be the daughter of the guy who invented the chastity belt. You pretty much know what you are doing every Friday and Saturday night for damn near the rest of your life. Because you won’t be getting asked out on a lot of dates regardless of how pretty you are. Of course you know that if a guy does ask you out that he either really REALLY likes her for who she is or he is new in town. Then again, she might give wicked good oral… who knows maybe she won’t be home every weekend.

Ahh yes, Evil Knievel’s son. No, not Robbie, the other son. The one who is scared of heights and thinks that motorcycles are inherently dangerous. Over and over again he would get interviewed and asked why he doesn’t follow in his fathers and brothers footsteps. And over and over again he would have to tell the interviewer that he is afraid of heights and that motorcycles are dangerous. And then wait for the interviewer to try and hold back their laughter.

What about the kids of the Mexican Donkey show woman? Yeah on the surface you might get some giggles or some people might point and whisper, which would be enough. But what about on “Career Day” where you have to bring a parent to school and they stand up in front of your entire class and tell what they do for a living and answer questions from the class. She better go first because there are going to be questions… lots of questions.

And there are probably others. But I don’t know I could be wrong.

Don’t get dead
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