Monday, August 13, 2012

Dear Sweezey - Big metal rocket that used to be on the playground at Chisolm Park in Hurst

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know what happened to the big metal rocket that used to be on the playground at
Chisolm Park in Hurst? I talked to a city parks official that said it was moved to Bellaire
park sometime in the 90s and was taken down about 5 years later. He didn't know what
happened to it after. Anyone know?


Dear Anonymous,

Someone found the weed you hid in that rocket a long time ago. Let it go.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

TV Guide

For those of you who didn’t know me as a child let me give you a little background on me. I grew up in a very small town in Alabama and that’s pretty much all that you need to know about this post. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alabama. Had some of the best times of my life in Alabama and some of the greatest people in my life are either in or from Alabama. But this particular post falls right in line with the stereotype.

So I grew up in a middle class neighborhood in a small town as I mentioned. And on the surface everything was pretty normal. But peel away a layer or two and the quirkiness of some of the people in the neighborhood starts to shine through.

You see there was this one family in our neighborhood that collected something unique, TV Guides.

I remember as a kid this family had a bookcase in their hallway that was just filled with TV Guides, years and years worth of TV Guides as a matter of fact. I remember asking my friend who lived there over and over again what was up with all of the TV Guides. No other publications, just TV Guides. And over and over again I would get some brush off answer about how his dad thought that they might be worth a lot of money one day or some other lame excuse.

And then one day a second bookcase showed up in the hallway. And week by week it slowly began to fill up with more TV Guides. One day I was hanging out and started to thumb through them. And there was nothing special about them. Nothing was hidden in them, the crossword puzzle wasn’t even started, nothing.

Then one day there was a police chase that came through our neighborhood where the guy who was running from the cops lost control of his motorcycle and crashed into the family’s car, catching it and then their house on fire. It was horrible, every issue burned.

The mystery of the TV Guides will remain unanswered for ever now. After a couple of months the house was rebuilt and for some reason the TV Guide bookcase was nowhere to be found. Of course I had to ask about them and of course I got a brush off answer, this time with attitude.

Then one day a couple of months later, a bookcase appeared in the hallway again. And placed on it was this cute little pair of TV Guides. YES!!!! Glorious TV Guides! Now I have something to bug my friend about.

At this point I couldn’t have cared less about the damn magazines or why they were keeping them, I just liked to bust their chops about them. So I go up to my friend and say that I see that the TV Guides are back and ask him what’s up with that.

If you are eating or drinking anything, you might want to go ahead and swallow it before you continue reading. It’s ok, I’ll wait.

So my friend says to me in a huff, and I quote, “My dad is keeping them because he thinks that toilet paper is going to go out of style. And when they quit making it we are going to wipe our butts with the pages of TV Guide.”

I shit you not, pun intended

- Don’t get dead

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

I don’t know; maybe just give him a warning.

Cops: Man awaiting sobriety test takes last swig

BELLEVIEW, Fla. – Authorities said a central Florida man took one last swig of alcohol while waiting to take a sobriety test. Marion County Sheriff's deputies stopped 61-year-old Dana Seaman after noticing his car swerve three times. Seaman said he'd been drinking and agreed to a sobriety test. But first, Deputy Eric Larson said he watched Seaman drink from a cup and toss it under the passenger seat. According to a police report, the cup smelled strongly of alcohol.

Seaman refused a breath test. He has been charged with DUI.

A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday.

I swear to God that is a real news story. Pulled from the AP.

Ok, normally I would be all over the suspect’s ass like Lindsay Lohan at a wine tasting.  But in this case I think the local Sheriff’s office should throw him a bone. Why? His name is freaking Dana Seaman…SEAMAN! He has lived 61 years with the last name of SEAMAN. No wonder he was drinking.

What I don’t understand is why he didn’t change his name a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time ago? I know that I would have been at the court house at the very first opportunity I had to start the legal name change process. I would have been Dana Smith just as soon as humanly possible. He wouldn’t even have to change anything he had initialed. Think he didn’t change it because of pride or that spiffy family crest?

Could you imagine the hell his youth was, especially after sex ed class? Now Mr. Seaman has quite a few years on me but I would guess that kids were just as big of a-holes when he was in school as they were when I was in school. He is just lucky that his parents weren’t hippies or something and named him Swallow or something like that.

The funniest lines from that story have to be, “Seaman refused a breath test.” and “A message left for Seaman was not immediately returned Monday.” I know it is juvenile, but you laughed too!

-- Don’t get dead

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Dear Sweezey – What makes you so special?

Dear Sweezey,

  What makes you so special?  Why do you think that you are an authority on anything?

Just curious

Dear Just curious,

God given talent my boy.  Served up with a nice slice of common sense and topped off with just enough smartassedness to keep the world turning.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

-          Don’t get dead

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

New Chapter - House Sitting

If you have been following me for a while, you would know that I have a book in the works. Not just any book. A book on how to be an a-hole. You have to dance with who brought you, you know. You can check out some of the previous chapters here .

So this installation is a new chapter. Unlike previous chapters this chapter is specific to one topic, house sitting. Since it is the summer time and the time that a lot of people go on vacation, a lot of people get asked to house sit. And if you have to take care of someone else’s house, why not make it worth your while?! And I’m going easy on this one! So here are some fun things you can do just if asked to house sit, especially if you are sitting for someone who stresses easily.

Some of the basic stuff, like removing all of the knobs from the cooktop/oven/range/stove. Yeah, just put them in a drawer or the dishwasher or something.

How about turn everything, that doesn’t leak, in the fridge upside down.

If you happen to have and know how to use the special key, lock all of the interior doors. Bedrooms, bathrooms, pantry, everything! If you are feeling really adventurous, go and buy some new door handles that lock if some of the ones don’t lock.

Change the sheets in the master bedroom to kiddy sheets. You know, clowns, baseball, princesses and stuff like that.

Remember when you were in elementary school and you had art class? Remember those big ass rolls of paper? Put some of that loud ass art paper under all of the cushions. Couch, chairs, love seat, hell even under the ottoman if you can.

Replace all plates, glasses and silverware with plastic. Take the stuff out of the cabinets and put it in a box in a closet or something. Then fill the cabinets back with red solo cups and paper plates, don’t forget the flatware. Of course you will have to do the same for the china cabinet.

And while you are in the kitchen, take and move everything in the cabinets to different cabinets. So where the serving dishes are put the Tupperware and so on.

Remove all of the light bulbs, yeah you heard me. Take all of the light bulbs out of every light, put them in a box and stick under the kitchen sink or something.

Unplug everything but the fridge or anything with a clock on it. The reason you don’t want to unplug the things with clocks on them is because you want to reset each clock to a different time. One clock will say 1:14 and another will say 8:33 and the real time is actually 11:00.

Write messages on the mirror in the master bathroom with your finger. Why? Because when they get home they would love a nice warm shower in their own shower. Warm showers equal steam, get it? So when you write a message it will show up on the mirror. I prefer “Get Out” or “Helter Skelter”.

Since it is summer time, most people use their ceiling fans to cool the house. Switch the ceiling fans to blow in the opposite direction.

Get an annoy-a-tron (google it, it’s freaking awesome) and set it somewhere that would be hard to find like on top of the fridge or behind the couch or something.

Turn everything that has a volume up all the way then turn the power off. You know, TVs, radios, and anything else that has a volume.

Turn off the water to the house at the curb. Yeah, go out to the street and cut the water supply. While you are at it, drain the water heater.

Put salt in the sugar and sugar in the salt. Depending on the person, do this one at your own risk.

Leave notes all over the house, such as “Taste Funny” on something in the fridge or “Smells Weird” on a piece of their underwear in the drawer.

Pair their socks with socks that don’t match. You know, an ankle sock with an over the calf sock and so on.

Get a carpet cleaner and clean one spot in a room and leave a note near the spot with an arrow pointing to the spot that reads “Not blood”.

Take some of their clean clothes and put in their laundry room, neatly folder or hung on hangers as if they had just been laundered.

Re-arrange their furniture. Not just move the living room furniture around, put bedroom furniture in there.

Add accent pieces to their living room, pieces that they didn’t already own.

Take something that won’t be hurt by getting wet (such as a toothbrush, hairbrush or can opener) make some jello and put it in the jello when you put it in the fridge, extra points if you can get it in the middle.

Put photos of random people that they don’t know on their fridge.

Lay out some of their clothing similar to a chalk outline.

Remove the batteries out of everything that run on batteries.

Take all of the fliers for things like lawn services, dry cleaning, water filtration, window washing and so on. Write things such as “Coming on Thursday” on them with a sharpie and leave them with the rest of the mail.

Leave fingerprints on every surface that they will show up on, TVs, microwave door, stainless steel appliances.

Line the floor with cling wrap like when a house is being shown, as in when a house is for sale.

Print up fake flyers for the house as if it were for sale and leave them in the entry way.

Cover all of the furniture with sheets

Hide all of the trash cans in the attic.

Spread birdseed everywhere, even throw it on the roof. Birds will flock to it and come back over and over again, it's kind of freaky to see tons of birds all over the place. 

Pop open the smoke detector, vent hood or maybe just an air vent and tape a piece of wire to the inside of it, then feed the wire through one of the holes. Leave loose wire hanging out. This works best on something that is not easy to reach, I recommend the smoke detector.

Fill the trash can with caution tape, crime scene tape is even better if you can get a hold of some.

Print up fake party/orgy flyers and leave them in trash cans throughout the house.

Borrow a live trap and leave it set up (bait and open) in the corner of a room.

Leave sticky notes on everything noting what they do. One on the light that says “Gets Bright”, one on the TV that says “shows moving pictures”, one on the faucet that says “Makes Water”, one on the a/c that says “<-makes house cold|makes house hot ->”, one on the oven that says “Gets Hot” and so on.

Put their junk mail in a box and wrap it up as a gift, leave it with a thank you note.

Take baby powder and leave four or five small lines, about two or three inches long with it. Put a tightly rolled up dollar next to it. Leave it laying there.

-          Don’t get dead

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Dear Sweezey - dental help info

Dear Sweezey,

im 32 with no job, no ins, and very bad teeth.the dental schools seem to take a long
time to get in, and then theres JPS. lookin for any other ideas.i grind my teeth,tried
those guards u can buy but they dont line up overbite,have broken teeth and need 2 root
cannals. so thanks for and ideas



Dear ro,

From the looks of your e-mail, it looks like your teeth are just one of many problems.
You say that the dental schools seem to take a long time, have you actually looked into how long it would take? I haven’t but I would assume that they have people getting ready to graduate all the time. I have no idea what JPS is so I can’t help you there. Why don’t you just go to a dentist? I mean you got money for the guards that don’t line up and you have a computer and internet service so you must have some form of income.

And if that’s not an option, I would recommend that you go to a shady part of town and start yelling racial slurs while standing in the middle of the street. That will surely cure your dental problem.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Monday, July 23, 2012

Dear Sweezey - Need to stop smoking

Dear Sweezey,

I've decided to quit smoking and I was wondering if you had any tips. Real tips that
actually help. Or if anyone out there is an ex-smoker or someone that has personally
known anyone who has quit could respond. All I ask is that you don't waste time telling
me to use patches. I've tried that. It doesn't help. Thanks in advance.

Around the way

Dear Around the way,

This may sound a bit nuts but, don’t light them. Simple, no?

Ok, so that won’t work for you? How about this, how about when you light one put on
a blindfold. Then set the cigarette down on a flat surface like a table and spin it around.
Next, with the blindfold still on, pick up the smoke and stick one end of it in your mouth.
You got a 50/50 shot that you will put the right end in your mouth. I bet that if you put

the business end in your mouth a couple of times you will be able to put them down for

Or how about this, every time you want to have a smoke you take an ambien about a
half hour before and then lay down on your back and light up. I know that if I woke up
with my neck or chest burning I could give a care less about smoking.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Dear Sweezey - What would you do?

Dear Sweezey,

What would you do for a Klondyke bar?

- anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I'd junk punch you if given an opportunity.



As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at

- Don’t get dead

Monday, March 26, 2012

Oh for the love of God…

When will this horrific basketball tournament end? Talk about the very worst sport in the world to watch. They are running to the left, someone shoots, they are running to the right. Wow, that’s thrilling. At least there are some good sports starting to ramp up. Spring training for football and baseball season is right around the corner. Finally something worthwhile.

Speaking of baseball, looks like I am going to have to make a trip to Atlanta this season to see Chipper Jones play one more time. I would love to see the Braves win the World Series on Chippers last year. And when I’m not pulling for the Braves I am rooting for the Texas Rangers, even if they are in the AL (Almost League). Already have tickets to some games in Arlington, which should be stellar. It’s always a good time at the ball park.

While I am on the subject of going to Arlington, I will be making a trip there in September to see the NCAA defending national champions University of Alabama Crimson Tide play the Michigan Wolverines. Jerry-world is going to be rocking that night.

Speaking of Alabama and tournaments, a lot of people are wanting a playoff system for NCAA football, which I don’t have a problem with either way. But don’t we see pretty much the same handful of teams every year in this stupid basketball tournament? Yet people, for whatever stupid reason, seem like have no problem with that. So because the best teams in NCAA football all happen to be in the same conference everyone gets their shorts in a twist. So if there was a tournament or playoff in football and the SEC was still coming out on top year after year would people still whine about it? I guess some people just can’t accept that there is one conference that is consistently better than the others.

Don’t get dead and ROLL TIDE!!!

Friday, February 24, 2012

If you thought NCAA Football was a mess before, get a load of this…

So today the NCAA voted and approved to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line, which will take effect next season. This was in an effort to keep players safer, in other words, more touchbacks. Ok why don’t we just cut out the BS and eliminate the kickoff and start the game on the 20 yard line. Seems like they want every kickoff to be a touchback. So just save those few seconds of the game for some actual plays.

Not only that but in another effort to keep the players safe, the kicking team will be limited to a 5 yard head start. So let’s think about this for a second shall we? So you want to kick the ball closer to the other team’s goal line and only give the kicking team a 5 yard head start. Wouldn’t that give the receiving team a few seconds more to think about returning the ball? Doesn’t that go against moving the kickoff up five yards to cause more touchbacks? How is that making it safer? Oh and since they only have 5 yards now, don’t you think the gunners are going to try to get to the returner even faster now? Think we are going to see any hamstring injuries? What about when the receiving team does decide to return the ball, think there will be some kids getting their bell rung? Nice job keeping them “safer” NCAA.

And if that’s not enough, there is also a new rule going into effect that will require a player who loses his helmet to leave the game for one play. Are you serious? So you mean to tell me that there are four seconds left on the clock, the team with the ball is down by four and in the red zone but the starting QB lost his helmet the play before so he has to sit out a play? Or the ball is on the goal line and the star running back lost his helmet with 1 second left on the clock and he is going to have to sit out a play. I think some coaches are going to crap a goose on that one. Not only that but on the keeping them safer thing, don’t you think some linebackers are going to try to knock a QB’s helmet off now? I’m not a pessimist and I understand keeping the kids safe but I’m not sure this is the best way to go about it.

Additionally, there are new rules regarding blocking below the waist and blocking on punt returns. So you can’t lead with the head on a tackle, you can’t block in the back and now there is a restriction on blocking below the waist? Why don’t we just have the areas where it is safe to tackle/block someone painted bright yellow or something? Come on, this is ridiculous.

Get this, players will also be prohibited from leaping over blockers when trying to block punts. Seriously? What’s next? Are they going to have to say, “Excuse me” or ask for permission to try to block a punt next? Why not make them hold hands and sing Kum By Ya when they play? Why don’t you just put them in a suit of armor or those big sumo suits?

NCAA, please stop messing around with the game. The officials are having a hard enough time enforcing the rules that have been in place for decades. Throwing this new stuff in is going to really screw with their heads. And look what all of the rule changes did to hockey in the 90’s. You took one of the best and most exciting games to watch and dulled it down big time.
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