Wednesday, March 19, 2008

You know you are from Alabama if...........

Typically I try not to post jokes that I get in e-mail and stuff like that but this one was humorous and made me a bit nostalgic. Enjoy.

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Cahaba, Opelika , Sylacauga, Oneonta, Eufaula, and Wedowee.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes. (It's about 5 minutes down the road)

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Ford F-350 4x4 Extended Bed Crew Cab dually is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing, or Ketchup.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin’” to send them to your friends.

19. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day.

Finally: You are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:

20. "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr Pepper."

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Mythbusters (with an adult twist)

The following post contains material of an adult nature, if you are easily offended please don’t read it. Ok, you have been warned. This stuff is just supposed to give you a chuckle, don’t get twisted about it if you continue to read.

I will admit it, I love the show Mythbusters. I watch it whenever I get a chance. And I will tell you why I love the show, two reasons actually. Explosions and guns. Oh yeah, by the end of every show something is getting destroyed. And that red headed chick is kind of hot too.

So the other day I am watching the movie Wedding Crashers and they get to the scene where one guy puts eye drops into another guys drink. Shortly after that the guy who drank the Visine is hugging the toilet. I wondered if someone would really get sick if you put Visine in their drink. Hey! Mythbusters should put that in one of their shows. Which got me to thinking about a whole host of ideas of a different nature that they could test.

So you got the Visine in the water. Pretty simple test, drink it, if you barf that myth is busted. But what else could they put in this episode?

How about Spanish Fly, does it really work? I guess this would have to be a placebo test. You give some semi-sluty girls some Spanish Fly and some other semi-sluty girls the placebo and see which ones would do the wild monkey dance with a new guy. I can just see the applications come flying into the Discovery Channel for people wanting to work on this show now.

So we got an aphrodisiac, what about going in the other direction. Give some horned up high school guys some Saltpeter and send them off to a free kegger frat party at some liberal arts college. That would be the ultimate test. If they come back pissed off that is definitely “plausible”. If they come back wanting to go to that school that myth is busted.

After we get past what gets you going or shuts you down, let’s move to various myths about actually doing the naked mambo. I think the first thing you would have to test is the pull out method. Oh yeah, you thought the applications were flying into the show before, somewhere in San Francisco a public high school just became an all girls school. I think the testing for this one would be pretty straight forward. If there is a rash of shotgun weddings within 9 months, myth busted.

Since we are testing the pull out myth, why not the myth of does position at conception determine the gender? I heard that if you want a boy you got to do it doggy style. LOL, whatever, but let the testing begin. I can just see it now, a room full of couples going at it in various positions while the hosts of the show walk around in lab coats with clip boards taking notes. I don’t know why but that visual is funny to me.

Well we have gone this far, no need to stop now. What about testing the myth of thinking about something else while you are bumping uglies will cause you to last longer. I am guessing for this test you would have a couple go at it and see how long it takes them. Then you have them go at it again the next day and have some dude in there asking him basic math questions or something like that to see if he can last longer.

My friend Matt (of Uncle Max fame) wants to test the finding the G spot myth. He thinks it’s just a myth to make him work harder. Haha.

Then they could test the myth of can a girl really shoot ping pong balls out of her … self. We all know it’s true, we just want to see it without having to go to Mexico.

Another myth that Matt wants them to test is do women really have orgasms. He thinks it’s all contrived. I think someone needs to talk to Matt about his technique. I told him not to even mention testing does size matter.

I guess we are just going to have to accept the myth about the male g-spot as is.

Quite possibly the most popular myth would be the are all women two drinks away from being bi myth. Damn, now I am getting applications and I don’t even work for the Discovery Channel or Mythbusters. This test would have to be under a controlled environment. Single guy in a bar full of hot chicks, good music and round after round of kamikazes.

Another myth would have to be does drinking booze out of a straw get you drunker quicker. I remember as a young punk growing up in the deep south when we would go to field parties there would be legions of girls with a bottle of Boones Farm with a big ass straw in it for that very reason.

Somehow there is a refractory period myth to test in there as well.

Since we have done some hanky panky myths and some drinking myths, logic would say that you have to test the too drunk to get it up myth. For this test you would have to have a young single male as the test subject. But you have to be careful when picking the test subject, get one too young or too single and the results could be skewed. You get one too young and he wont be able to keep his head up much less his junk when alcohol is introduced. And if you get one too single the wind could blow the right direction and he would be stiff. Test subject selection is critical in this one.

Another aphrodisiac myth would be the green M&M myth of do women get horny when they eat green M&Ms? I also heard that the red ones have the opposite effect that the green ones do. My best guess on how to test this one is to have a big ass bowl of them out at a holiday party (only time you only see green and red M&Ms, the other colors might throw the results off) and see which women eat more green than red and if their dates get lucky.

Since we are doing the M&Ms, what about oysters? Yeah, you have heard it too, if a guy eats oysters he will be ready to go soon. Only thing about this is that when I eat oysters I am usually drinking and I am even more of a pain in the ass, I mean flirt, when I have been drinking. So that’s an x-factor of sorts.

There is also a myth that oral is so much better if the giver has Altoids in their mouth. Seems like a pretty straight forward test to me. Do it once without and then do it again with. Sounds kind of like a win/win situation me to. And just for fun, you should test the same myth with pop rocks, lol.
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