Sunday, December 23, 2007

The four year anniversary of my attempted homicide

Ok, so maybe the title is a bit of a stretch but I did almost die.

Let me give you a little back ground on me. I am stupid. Well, not really stupid, but I have a soft spot in my heart for senior animals, senior citizens, children and the handicapped. Since I have this soft spot, I tend to stretch myself a bit thin to help out when I can.

Four years ago around this time of year, I was asked if I wouldn't mind helping an animal rescue that I work with help raise some money. Of course I said that I would before I even heard what they wanted me to do. Yeah, talk about taking a rocket sled on rails to the top of your all time biggest mistakes list. They wanted me to play Santa Clause for photos of your pets with Santa at a pet store fund raiser. Told you that I am stupid.

So let's get it over with.

I know this is all for non-profit but someone please spend a couple of bucks and wash that damn suit. Or at least air it out or something.

So here is the situation, there I am in the suit and another volunteer with a camera. And that's pretty much it. Someone didn't put a lot of effort into coordinating it.

The first several minutes of this was no big deal at all. Not really much of anyone coming by, not even really many people in the store. Then the flood gates opened. But it was nothing great, except for this one yip-yap dog. I really don't know why people think that their pets like this sort of ordeal but they don't. This dog was FREAKED out and wanted to take refuge … in the beard, you know the one that I was wearing. So here is this little kicking ball of joy with very sharp claws trying to climb its way into my chest via a polyester beard. And it's not like you can smack it, its owner is right there. Oh, and the high pitch cutesy voice, they don't like that either.

That's not where I was almost killed. No, no, not at all. If when this slack jawed mouth breathing imbeciles with two rottweilers came in. Of course since these dogs are pretty much just pissed off eating machines, these smucks had to give them cutesy names, Tiny and Jingles. Are you effing kidding me? Does anyone really think that is still funny? So these dogs who have teeth all the way to their tails, who really don't want to be there, don't want to pose for a picture even more than they don't want to be there. So they get them near me and they are trying to go in different directions. It is at this point that the owners think it is a good idea to remove the leashes and just have me hold the dogs around the shoulder area, right where the fucking teeth are. Please god, don't let them think that I am a small child. So one of the monsters is sitting on my foot, at this point I could care less if this dog took a steaming dump on my brand new pair of Bruno Maglis. Just take the damn picture. Just before the picture is snapped one dog realizes that a stranger is holding it and lunges up to try to get into my lap. Yeah, sure, why not. So the other dog gets jealous and it wants to jump into my lap as well. Then they decide to get territorial. Snarls, growls, and teeth being shown while two rotties are in my lap. Well, Merry Mauled Christmas to me. While this is going on the owners think it's funny. "You better come get these damn dogs before I set them free". So the owners get the dogs and yell some commands in a foreign language to get them to settle down. They settle down, we get them fairly close to each other and then take a picture. "Next!" as in this is all you get, no do-overs. I usher the baby eaters off and motion for the next people to bring their dog over. Several dogs pass and this couple bring their Beagle in. Their FLATULANT Beagle I might add. Apparently this dog farts when it gets nervous. Well he must have thought he was going to be on the naughty list or something because there was methane gas flowing like it was going out of style. I get poopy puppy in my arms, we take the picture and I hold him for the owners to come get him. The wife apologies and thanks me when the husband says "Hey at least I didn't bring my python" it's your snake, get it cut into pieces if you want asshole. Of course I just smile and say "yeah".

But that's not even the worst of it. Some old, apparently senile, lady brought in her cats, as in plural. Remember the yip-yap dog mentioned earlier? These cats made that dog look like a godsend. You want to know what it is like to try to hold two cats in a Santa suit and trying to get them to look in the same direction at the same time? Picture trying to hold an octopus that has razors on each tentacle while high on speed. That is sort of close.

One cat is clinched onto my hand with its claws deep into my hand and wrist. The other lovely feline is burrowing into the beard at an accelerated manor. I believe this little fellow might not be enjoying this. So much so that I was about to turn it into some sort of abstract art.

There I am holding my left hand in the air at about a 45 degree angle with this cat digging into my hand and wrist looking like a living pompom, while trying to hold the other cat in my right hand as it is trying to find a way into my rib cage. Just before I release some very choice words, I look up at the line of people watching with this somber look on their face and I remember that this is all for charity.

Someone knock some sense into me before I volunteer for something like this again, please.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

It’s official, I am insane.

As I was in traffic today I got caught at this really long red light. So I am sitting there waiting for the light to turn green when I caught myself watching all of these birds land on some of the wires that are attached to the traffic light. After a while I notice that some birds would land and then fly off only to land a few feet down the line. I began to wonder why they did this. There was what appeared to be equal room between the birds on the line so they were not crammed. And I just kept watching them do this. Some would land and a matter of seconds, if not instantly, flies off and land a bit down the line. Over and over I attempted to figure out why they were doing this. The only answer I could come up with is maybe the bird that is already on the power line is an asshole.

I worry about myself now.

Come on Mister Weatherman, you can’t be serious.

This morning I was listening to the news as I was getting ready and I heard yet another new weather condition that I had never heard of before. Freezing fog, what is that BS? Even the news guy was like "Freezing fog … really…" In his mind he was saying "Do you think we are all morons? You have no clue what the weather is going to be like."

Remember the weather rock from Spencer's? That might actually be better than some of the "forecast" I have heard lately. I think that they might actually use the dart board method of predicting the weather. My theory is that the weathermen are back in their office tripping on acid when they are getting their forecast together and this is some psychedelic vision that they had transcribed into a forecast. Take a couple of hits and look into your crystal ball, nimrods. I have never seen the movie "Weatherman" but some how I am strangely drawn to it now.

I have figured it out though, my issue with weathermen that is. They have one of if not the greatest gig on the planet, and I am jealous. Think about it, they are somewhat celebrities, get paid a healthy six figures, can be wrong every damn day and still keep a job. Where do I sign up?

My local weather guy could come on tonight and say that it is going to rain cat turds from the ground up and he would be there with that big ass used car salesmen smile the next day telling us that we are going to have a wave of melting sunlight or some crap like that and no one would say shit to him. It's a screw job of epic proportions.

I just wish they could be held accountable, then the forecast would either be a lot more accurate or they would just say "Hell if I know what is going to happen tomorrow, carry you rain coat and a parka but wear shorts"


As we are in full swing of the holiday season and Christmas cards from loved ones start to roll in I take this opportunity to reflect back on the holidays. Which often leads me to thinking about family, in turn I begin to think about home.

Ozark is kind of like the TV show Cheers, on acid. Where everyone knows pretty much everyone else, even if they don't acknowledge each other. So after telling some of my stories I have a lot of people who want to go and visit the Land of Oz, I think simply in disbelief. But that is a different story. What I am doing here is a simple reference of Ozarkizms. Think of this as one of those Forbes travel books. These are sayings or phrases that may be heard while in Ozark.

Let's start with some of the social gathering locations.

"The Stop Sign" - Yes, we have more than one traffic control device in town, but there is one particular stop sign that is a bit more famous than the others. Pretty much anyone who grew up in Ozark can tell you how to get to "The Stop Sign" with their eyes closed. This is the location of MANY underage social gathers. Probably has been more beer/liquor consumed here than any bar that is or was ever in Ozark.

"The Old Barn" – Again famous underage drinking hang out. Much like "The Stop Sign" only it's a barn, and down the street.

"The Old House" – Does this really even need a description? Located conveniently between the historic "Stop Sign" and 'The Old Barn".

"The Clay Pits" – An area of town that is owned by the highway department where they would dig clay to be used for road construction. Want to venture a guess as to what we did here?

"Hollywood" – No, not the one in California, not even the one in Florida, this is a field out in the middle of nowhere Ozark.

"San Quentin" - I would love to know who named a place where minors would gather to gather to get wrecked out of their minds after a PRISON. Makes perfect sense to me.

Ok, so you now that you have the layout of some of the social gathering location of the land, we will now move on to other commonly heard phases and sayings.

"Krazo" – Most commonly used nick-name of Ozark, which is simply Ozark spelled backwards. We are a cleaver group that way.

"Man" – This is not a reference to ones gender. This is most often used to start pretty much every damn sentence. "Man, I am tired. Man, I could go for a pizza right about now. Man, where is the party at?" At times this is interchangeable with "Dude".

"The Mall" – Ozark does not have a mall, but there is a shopping center that has been adopted as a mall. This is pretty much a vacant property where local youth hang out and cruise on weekends.

"Martindale 500" – This is a weekly event where the car owning youth and some old losers drive around the parking lot of "The Mall" in a circular fashion much like a NASCAR event.

"Oh Hell No!" – This saying is usually uttered in disbelief of an action that has just happened. For example "Oh Hell No! You didn't just drink my last beer!"

"I'ma have ta f*$k you up!" - A shorten version of "I am going to have to f*k you up. This phrase is typically the predecessor to an "Oh Hell No!" phrase. This phrase is used to express the need for discipline for a previous unpleasant action. Also known as a can of whoop ass.

"Get the hell off of my property" – This saying loosely translated means that the person saying it is advising the recipient of the phrase to vacate the immediate area which is owned by the expresser. Most often used with an unpleasant tone. Often heard in the front lawn/front porch/driveway.

"You mess with me, you mess with my whole family!" – A declaration that I am not alone and if this matter were to turn to an unsettling fashion I will be forced to retaliate with members both in and out of my nuclear family. Most often stated in trailer parks and High School parking lots. Oh who am I kidding, it's the redneck battle cry.

"I'ma have ta call the law!" – Shortened version of "I am going to call the police". Most often used as a means to intimidate one in a manor that there could be pending legal actions taken if you do not correct your current behavior/remove yourself from this area.

"Where is the party at?" – Loosely translated, this means where are people gathering to consume massive amounts of alcohol for no other reason than it is Friday/Saturday night.

"The Beach" – Although there are thousands of miles of costal property, in Ozark there is only one beach, Panama City Beach. All other costal destinations shall be known by the name of the city. For example: Destin, Fort Walton, Miami, Daytona, Long Beach, San Diego and so on.

"The Law" – This can be interpreted as any form of law enforcement, not specifically any one agency. This has nothing to do with the written codes by which citizens must obey.

"Party" – Anywhere that there are more than two people who are drinking.

"Hangin Out" – One or more people, who are drinking.

"Going to the river Sundee" – Typically this could be a question "Going to the river Sunday?" or an answer "What are you doing this weekend? So and so is having a party Saturdee (Saturday) and going to the river Sundee (Sunday)." This even usually involves either owning or knowing someone who owns a four wheel drive truck and driving under bridges on various county and state highways where groups gather to stand in ankle deep water and drink beer.

"River Rat" – One who is "Going to the river Sundee". A regular participant of such events.

"The Block" – A place that you don't want to be, even in the daytime. Often referred to as Compton of the south.

"Yankee queer" – This lovely phrase is aimed at anyone who can be identified as not from Ozark and who has done something to upset a local.

... sigh

What to get the guitarist on your Holiday Gift list.

I am sure this isn't ground breaking to some of you, but Gibson has released a really cool self-tuning Les Paul called the Robot Guitar ( which appears to be pretty badass. But that may just be the toy aspect of it. I have no idea if it weights a ton or how much of a pain in the ass it is to restring but I thought it was pretty cool. But if it is worth it and not too heavy and so on but you don't want to buy a new Les Paul another company, called TransPerformance (, sells a competing robot-tuning system that the company installs itself into a Les Paul, or a Fender Telecaster or Stratocaster guitar.

And if that wasn't cool enough, Stevie Ray Vaughn's "Lenny" Strat goes on sale in two days (

What's a few grand when it comes to the holiday spirit, right?

This just struck me a funny

I get an e-mail from one of my buddies that he is getting a tee time for the weekend and wants to know who all is in. Do you really have to ask? I mean come on, it's golf, hell yeah I am in. So we decide to play this muni, which I have only been to once or maybe twice, just for a change. I am not a bug fan of munis because anyone with enough cash to cover the green fees can play and that is typically the way it is, but who cares. I was out with my boys and we were having a good time.

Just about the time we were hitting our approach shots on the 9th we realized that we need to stop at the turn and replenish our refreshments so to speak.

Normal situation while in the club house, get beer, hit the head, buy cigars and whatnot.

Out we walk from the back of the clubhouse and what do I see? This ….

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Dude! Someone vandalized your cart! What? You mean you wanted to paint it like that? Ooook.

I got nothing against NASCAR but I never thought that NASCAR and golf would ever mix. With NASCAR everyone is yelling and raising hell, with golf everyone is quiet and patient. With NASCAR you do the same thing over and over again but with golf every hole is different. With NASCAR the fans are drunk, with golf the players are drunk, well sometimes :). With NASCAR everyone tailgates prior to the race, with golf everyone hangs out after the round.

I would have never thought that these two sports would ever find a way to cross paths, but then I got to thinking about it. And these two have a big common interest, advertising. The cars in NASCAR are covered with stickers of sponsors the same is true with golfers. Well, not exactly, with golf the advertisers are a little more subtle, oh and they're not stickers. But they have advertisements all over then, hell I think John Daily would wear a Tampax logo if they paid him. So I guess I can see the common thread but it was still a bit surprising to see the Jeff Gordon-mobile E-Z-GO at the bag drop. But the funny thing about all of this is how proud this guy was of it. When I asked him if I could get a picture of it (no idea why I asked, what was he going to do to stop me) he said "Yeah, and can you send me a copy of it because next week I am painting like Dale Earnhardt's car as a tribute to the Intimidator"… I shit you not.

I ... I … I just don't know what to say.

This is probably going to piss off some good ole boys

Yesterday a couple of guys that I work with were talking about fishing when one of them mentions something about a collage that they are fans of. A little while later they mentioned something about being champions, since collage football season is drawing to a close I was under the impression that they were talking about football, but then I realized that their team didn't win a conference championship, hell that team didn't even play in the championship game. Which made me wonder what they were talking about? I then realized that they were still talking about fishing. Since they were near and are pretty decent guys I joined the conversation for a bit to find out more.

One of the guys said that he read on one of this schools bulletin boards that a couple of guys from this school won a championship in fishing. What? So I shot the breeze with them long enough to get one of them to send me a link to the story he was talking about. One of the funny things about this is that these guys were doing some serious chest thumping over winning a fishing contest or what ever they call them.

I had to read this article, there was something inside me that said I must read this article, I don't know what it was but I knew it was going to be great. I found a lot of the article humorous bordering on cocky. Like this quote "when you fish as much as they do, you know when you're going to get a bite". Really, so why do you sit there for HOURS then? I know that dinner is going to come but I don't sit at the dining room table all day. That quote was followed by this gem "You can almost predict it", see the dinner comment above. If that wasn't enough we have, "Like a well-played game of copycat, a good fisherman knows what the fish want and then emulates it with technique and bait". You mean food? Like this animal that you are trying to trick which has a brain the size of a grape at best is going to have such a complex rational thinking structure that it can tell weather the worm on your hook is plastic or not? Ever think maybe they are just hungry? Nice job Aristotle, you fooled an animal which I had as a child that would jump out of the only substance that would keep it alive. Yeah, I had fish that would jump out of their tank, they are highly intelligent creachers.

Then the writer of the article had to chime in with this ground breaking revelation "Fishing is a sport of patterns", like cast then reel it in, cast, reel it in, cast, reel it in? That kind of pattern?

As I kept reading I came across something that sort of pissed me off. In this article I read and then re-read, then walked away, came back and re-re-read this line "won a $14,000 scholarship". You mean to tell me that you can get a scholarship for fishing? For fishing!?!? It's not even a sport, hell it's not even a game. It's … it's… it's just luck! I think that they should call it that, luck. That's all you do is sit there and put something that looks like crap that a fish would eat into the water and wait and hope that a hungry fish comes swimming along. I play a wicked game of Lotto, I wonder if they offer a scholarship for that.

This is probably going to piss off some good ole boys that will more than likely e-mail me starting with "Man, you just don't know. Fishing is …"

I got nothing against fishing but come on now.

I can only hope to god that this is real

I love this video!

Oh god, I feel ill

I just got some TERRIBLE news. I ... I just don't know what to say. Just check out the link.

Attica! Attica! Attica! This is an injustice, a travesty if you will!

Cue the funeral music. *swing low, sweet chariot...
Related Posts with Thumbnails