Ozarkizms

As we are in full swing of the holiday season and Christmas cards from loved ones start to roll in I take this opportunity to reflect back on the holidays. Which often leads me to thinking about family, in turn I begin to think about home.

Ozark is kind of like the TV show Cheers, on acid. Where everyone knows pretty much everyone else, even if they don't acknowledge each other. So after telling some of my stories I have a lot of people who want to go and visit the Land of Oz, I think simply in disbelief. But that is a different story. What I am doing here is a simple reference of Ozarkizms. Think of this as one of those Forbes travel books. These are sayings or phrases that may be heard while in Ozark.

Let's start with some of the social gathering locations.

"The Stop Sign" - Yes, we have more than one traffic control device in town, but there is one particular stop sign that is a bit more famous than the others. Pretty much anyone who grew up in Ozark can tell you how to get to "The Stop Sign" with their eyes closed. This is the location of MANY underage social gathers. Probably has been more beer/liquor consumed here than any bar that is or was ever in Ozark.

"The Old Barn" – Again famous underage drinking hang out. Much like "The Stop Sign" only it's a barn, and down the street.

"The Old House" – Does this really even need a description? Located conveniently between the historic "Stop Sign" and 'The Old Barn".

"The Clay Pits" – An area of town that is owned by the highway department where they would dig clay to be used for road construction. Want to venture a guess as to what we did here?

"Hollywood" – No, not the one in California, not even the one in Florida, this is a field out in the middle of nowhere Ozark.

"San Quentin" - I would love to know who named a place where minors would gather to gather to get wrecked out of their minds after a PRISON. Makes perfect sense to me.

Ok, so you now that you have the layout of some of the social gathering location of the land, we will now move on to other commonly heard phases and sayings.

"Krazo" – Most commonly used nick-name of Ozark, which is simply Ozark spelled backwards. We are a cleaver group that way.

"Man" – This is not a reference to ones gender. This is most often used to start pretty much every damn sentence. "Man, I am tired. Man, I could go for a pizza right about now. Man, where is the party at?" At times this is interchangeable with "Dude".

"The Mall" – Ozark does not have a mall, but there is a shopping center that has been adopted as a mall. This is pretty much a vacant property where local youth hang out and cruise on weekends.

"Martindale 500" – This is a weekly event where the car owning youth and some old losers drive around the parking lot of "The Mall" in a circular fashion much like a NASCAR event.

"Oh Hell No!" – This saying is usually uttered in disbelief of an action that has just happened. For example "Oh Hell No! You didn't just drink my last beer!"

"I'ma have ta f*$k you up!" - A shorten version of "I am going to have to f*k you up. This phrase is typically the predecessor to an "Oh Hell No!" phrase. This phrase is used to express the need for discipline for a previous unpleasant action. Also known as a can of whoop ass.

"Get the hell off of my property" – This saying loosely translated means that the person saying it is advising the recipient of the phrase to vacate the immediate area which is owned by the expresser. Most often used with an unpleasant tone. Often heard in the front lawn/front porch/driveway.

"You mess with me, you mess with my whole family!" – A declaration that I am not alone and if this matter were to turn to an unsettling fashion I will be forced to retaliate with members both in and out of my nuclear family. Most often stated in trailer parks and High School parking lots. Oh who am I kidding, it's the redneck battle cry.

"I'ma have ta call the law!" – Shortened version of "I am going to call the police". Most often used as a means to intimidate one in a manor that there could be pending legal actions taken if you do not correct your current behavior/remove yourself from this area.

"Where is the party at?" – Loosely translated, this means where are people gathering to consume massive amounts of alcohol for no other reason than it is Friday/Saturday night.

"The Beach" – Although there are thousands of miles of costal property, in Ozark there is only one beach, Panama City Beach. All other costal destinations shall be known by the name of the city. For example: Destin, Fort Walton, Miami, Daytona, Long Beach, San Diego and so on.

"The Law" – This can be interpreted as any form of law enforcement, not specifically any one agency. This has nothing to do with the written codes by which citizens must obey.

"Party" – Anywhere that there are more than two people who are drinking.

"Hangin Out" – One or more people, who are drinking.

"Going to the river Sundee" – Typically this could be a question "Going to the river Sunday?" or an answer "What are you doing this weekend? So and so is having a party Saturdee (Saturday) and going to the river Sundee (Sunday)." This even usually involves either owning or knowing someone who owns a four wheel drive truck and driving under bridges on various county and state highways where groups gather to stand in ankle deep water and drink beer.

"River Rat" – One who is "Going to the river Sundee". A regular participant of such events.

"The Block" – A place that you don't want to be, even in the daytime. Often referred to as Compton of the south.

"Yankee queer" – This lovely phrase is aimed at anyone who can be identified as not from Ozark and who has done something to upset a local.

... sigh