The four year anniversary of my attempted homicide

Ok, so maybe the title is a bit of a stretch but I did almost die.

Let me give you a little back ground on me. I am stupid. Well, not really stupid, but I have a soft spot in my heart for senior animals, senior citizens, children and the handicapped. Since I have this soft spot, I tend to stretch myself a bit thin to help out when I can.

Four years ago around this time of year, I was asked if I wouldn't mind helping an animal rescue that I work with help raise some money. Of course I said that I would before I even heard what they wanted me to do. Yeah, talk about taking a rocket sled on rails to the top of your all time biggest mistakes list. They wanted me to play Santa Clause for photos of your pets with Santa at a pet store fund raiser. Told you that I am stupid.

So let's get it over with.

I know this is all for non-profit but someone please spend a couple of bucks and wash that damn suit. Or at least air it out or something.

So here is the situation, there I am in the suit and another volunteer with a camera. And that's pretty much it. Someone didn't put a lot of effort into coordinating it.

The first several minutes of this was no big deal at all. Not really much of anyone coming by, not even really many people in the store. Then the flood gates opened. But it was nothing great, except for this one yip-yap dog. I really don't know why people think that their pets like this sort of ordeal but they don't. This dog was FREAKED out and wanted to take refuge … in the beard, you know the one that I was wearing. So here is this little kicking ball of joy with very sharp claws trying to climb its way into my chest via a polyester beard. And it's not like you can smack it, its owner is right there. Oh, and the high pitch cutesy voice, they don't like that either.

That's not where I was almost killed. No, no, not at all. If when this slack jawed mouth breathing imbeciles with two rottweilers came in. Of course since these dogs are pretty much just pissed off eating machines, these smucks had to give them cutesy names, Tiny and Jingles. Are you effing kidding me? Does anyone really think that is still funny? So these dogs who have teeth all the way to their tails, who really don't want to be there, don't want to pose for a picture even more than they don't want to be there. So they get them near me and they are trying to go in different directions. It is at this point that the owners think it is a good idea to remove the leashes and just have me hold the dogs around the shoulder area, right where the fucking teeth are. Please god, don't let them think that I am a small child. So one of the monsters is sitting on my foot, at this point I could care less if this dog took a steaming dump on my brand new pair of Bruno Maglis. Just take the damn picture. Just before the picture is snapped one dog realizes that a stranger is holding it and lunges up to try to get into my lap. Yeah, sure, why not. So the other dog gets jealous and it wants to jump into my lap as well. Then they decide to get territorial. Snarls, growls, and teeth being shown while two rotties are in my lap. Well, Merry Mauled Christmas to me. While this is going on the owners think it's funny. "You better come get these damn dogs before I set them free". So the owners get the dogs and yell some commands in a foreign language to get them to settle down. They settle down, we get them fairly close to each other and then take a picture. "Next!" as in this is all you get, no do-overs. I usher the baby eaters off and motion for the next people to bring their dog over. Several dogs pass and this couple bring their Beagle in. Their FLATULANT Beagle I might add. Apparently this dog farts when it gets nervous. Well he must have thought he was going to be on the naughty list or something because there was methane gas flowing like it was going out of style. I get poopy puppy in my arms, we take the picture and I hold him for the owners to come get him. The wife apologies and thanks me when the husband says "Hey at least I didn't bring my python" it's your snake, get it cut into pieces if you want asshole. Of course I just smile and say "yeah".

But that's not even the worst of it. Some old, apparently senile, lady brought in her cats, as in plural. Remember the yip-yap dog mentioned earlier? These cats made that dog look like a godsend. You want to know what it is like to try to hold two cats in a Santa suit and trying to get them to look in the same direction at the same time? Picture trying to hold an octopus that has razors on each tentacle while high on speed. That is sort of close.

One cat is clinched onto my hand with its claws deep into my hand and wrist. The other lovely feline is burrowing into the beard at an accelerated manor. I believe this little fellow might not be enjoying this. So much so that I was about to turn it into some sort of abstract art.

There I am holding my left hand in the air at about a 45 degree angle with this cat digging into my hand and wrist looking like a living pompom, while trying to hold the other cat in my right hand as it is trying to find a way into my rib cage. Just before I release some very choice words, I look up at the line of people watching with this somber look on their face and I remember that this is all for charity.

Someone knock some sense into me before I volunteer for something like this again, please.