Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dear Sweezey 5/21/08

Dear Sweezey,

Why is your advice always to “whore it up a bit”?


Awesome in Austin

Dear Awesome,

I am just trying to make the world a better place.

Not satisfied with that answer? I am just trying to make everyone happy. I assume that you are talking about my previous Dear Sweezey blog. That woman wanted to date, I gave her a method to get dates.

Plus, it really is a win/win situation. You women have no idea how much power you have. You want to know how much power you have? I had not even thought about getting married and then bam! Walking down the isle. Kids? I never thought about having kids, bam! Got two. And it’s not just life changing events, I can be asleep in bed and hear “do you want ice cream? I think that I would like ice cream.” The next thing that I know my happy ass is dressed and on my way to the store. The force aint got shit on that!

So why do I advise that women whore it up? Because I know what guys want and if guys get what they want, women will get what they want and everyone is happy. So kick the whore up a bit and who knows, we might have world peace.



Don’t get dead.

Monday, May 19, 2008

More stupid saying

The other day I posted about some of the dumb things that I have heard people say and now it appears to be an epidemic. Maybe it is in my psyche, but now I hear them all of the time.

Like the other day I overheard someone say they would do something “in the drop of a hat”. What does that mean? I assume they mean quickly but what kind of hat are we talking about? Like a sombrero? Or what if it is a top hat? I think those would drop much slower than a baseball cap, which is also a hat. And how high are we dropping said hat from? I mean it could take minutes for a hat to drop from the top of a skyscraper. That’s not an impressive display of speed if you ask me. You always have to take physics into account.

Another one about time is “before they knew what hit them”. Well that’s extremely vague. We could be talking about seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. If you walked into a room that I was in and just hit me from behind that would only be a matter of seconds before I knew what hit me. But what if someone was hit by something and went into a coma. That could be quite a long time. It might be years before they knew what hit them. Is this really the cliché that you want to use when you are trying to convey speed?

Then there are all sort of stupid wagering sayings. Such as “bet your bottom dollar”. Who cares what order it is in, it is still only a dollar. Who cares if it is the bottom dollar, the top dollar or the middle dollar? It is still just a dollar, big deal. Or “dollar to a donut”, what? Aren’t donuts like twenty cents each or something? Is that a deal? And who has the dollar and who had the donut? That’s just stupid.

And is there some sort of time altering parallel that I don’t know about? I have heard the phrase “in a New York minute” which I guess means quickly. But does a New York minute have less than 60 seconds? What is it faster than say a Colorado minute? They doing things on the metric scale in the northeast now? And while in Mexico you where hear the Mayan’s say that something will take “five Mexican minutes”, implying that it will take some time. So if a New York minute is quick and five Mexican minutes is a lengthy bit of time, it would appear to be me that the farther north you go the faster things happen? So why is there six months of darkness in Alaska?

Don't get dead

J. G. Wentworth

Have you seen this stupid commercial for J. G. Wentworth? It’s a commercial where people are waiting on a structured settlement or annuity and my guess is that they will give you a lump sum if you sign over the installment to them, but the commercial is just stupid. A segment of the commercial can be seen here


The commercial starts out with some yo-yo sitting on his couch getting excited and talking to himself or the television when this man, whom I suppose is J. G. Wentworth himself. Then he and several other people go to their window and yell out “IT’S MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!” and one old dude looks really pissed about it. To me this sends the wrong message. To me this commercial is saying there are tons of people who are broke. And can’t manage their money. So in essence they are yelling “I’M BROKE!”

Secondly, why are they yelling? Unless the company who is sending you the annuity or settlement payments are within yelling distance you are just making yourself look even more moronic. And I don’t know a lot of companies who do business by yelling. Phone calls, in person, fax and e-mail - Yes. Yelling out of a window – No. And even if they did do busy by yelling, what if they are far away and can’t hear you? But say they did do business by yell and they can hear you, but you live in Boston and the company who owes you is in LA. If you yell at 8:00 AM in Boston, it’s is only 4:00 AM in the pacific time zone. I, for one, would be way pissed if some dude was yelling at me at 4:00 in the morning about some cash. Dude, you just went to the very bottom of the list of my priorities. This commercial sends the wrong message to me.

But I have not had enough coffee this morning.

Don’t get dead.

Friday, May 16, 2008


This blog really has nothing to do with that sign, just thought about it right before I started to write this.

The other day I was talking with a co-worker who is going to The Netherlands by way of England to see his sister. He just happened to mention that he didn't know what he was going to do on such a long flight and how to adjust to the time change and so on. Which reminded me of a story, imagine that right.

A buddy of mine was flying back from Heathrow to JFK and said that he wasn't able to sleep because of turbulent air and had gotten bored on the flight. Since he had already had a long nap and there is only so much "Everybody Loves Raymond" that you can take in one day. He got up and asked one of the stewardesses about how far they were and she told him that they had not made it quite halfway. Which was not the news he was looking for. At this point he went back to his seat and began to look around the plane and people watch. He said that he was seated on an isle seat and there was this woman across the isle one row up from him was doing something but he could not tell what it was.

About this time the air got rough again. He raised his seat back up and sat up in his seat so that he could better see what she was doing. Now he can see what she is doing and starts to giggle. But he is not able to mask his amusement and the guy sitting next to him looks over and sees what the lady is doing and begins to chuckle as well. Long story, short version is that several people in the area hear them giggling and look over to see what they are giggling at.

The lady was praying the rosary. But not just praying, she was taking turns praying and cussing. So every time they would hit rough air she would cuss and then start to pray again immeditly after. So they would hit turbulence and she would yell out "SHIT!" and then start "Hail Mary, full of grace (turbulence) DAMNIT! Hail Mary, SON OF A BITCH.. Hail Mary, full FUCK! Hail…" He said that they watched her for several minutes and don't think that she ever finished the prayer.

Don't get dead

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Dear Sweezey

Dear Sweezey,

I am so disgusted with dating. Several years ago, I went out about once a week and then decided I just wasn't meeting the right kind of men. So, I took some time off. Then my friends, family, neighbors, clients all had someone they wanted to set me up with. I tired that. I have also gone the tradional route, no luck.

I am a very attractive woman who is not shallow, rude or obnoxious to others. I have a great career, own a home in an upscale area, financially secure, in shape and can not meet a decent man to save my life.

I am not looking to get married and I do not kiss on the first date or spread my legs. Maybe, that's the problem, I'm not easy. I am not a snob and I don't brag.

I had this guy that was interested, but I kind of thought he was a player. So, I ignored him and then he really started calling and texting. We went out a couple of times and each time, he said he had a great time. He is everything women say they want in a man, the total package. But, the minute I tell him I can't go to lunch with him because I have to go out of town on business, he gets off the phone and says, "call me when you get back," It was a friggen day trip, not a month long trip to Europe. So, when I get back I call and his mailbox is full and his phone is turned off. I send a text and tell him I'm home and NOTHING! No return text and no phone call.

Why for the love of God can a man not appreciate a good woman? I really am ready to give up. I'm just done.

And guys wonder why women don't really give a **** anymore. Most are married and just want something on the side. Very few are really single, many have girlfriends. No matter how pretty, smart, funny or kind you are, they are looking for the quick score. I'm everything a man would want and I'd rather set home than deal with the crap anymore.

Does anyone else feel this way? I know women are jerks too and I don't want to suggest it's only men. I'm sure a lot of them have given up too.

Please help,

Dating after 40

Dear Dating,

The answer to your situation is rather simple. You need to whore it up a bit. What are you a nun or something? Go to your closet take your sluttiest cougar clothes off of the hanger and put them on. Then put your morals on that hanger, they are getting in the way. Then you need to go to a bar and start throwing back yaggrerbombs like they are baby aspirins. When you are feeling good, kick the bitch up a notch. This will drive the guys crazy. After that, go find a guy that you like, grab him by his belt buckle and drag him to your car. You should be banging like a cotton gin by Friday. And that’s what dating is all about. You got your golden years to be friends with guys, you need to work that money maker while you can.

You want to know why that guy didn’t call you back after your day trip? No goodbye hummer before you left, that’s why. If you would have blown his mind before you left he would have met you at the airport when you got back. Guys appreciate good women, we don’t date them, but we appreciate them … from a far. Now if you change your mind and decide that are you are looking to get married, well best of luck to ya.


Don't get dead

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Late night visitor

One night the better half and I are sound asleep when something wakes me around 3 in the morning. It’s one of those things where you say to yourself “Did I just hear the doorbell?” which was immediately followed by the thought of “I am going to have to kill a mother fucker”. Look, I have two small children, so sleep is at a premium in mi casa. About this time I look over and my wife is sitting up in bed and we say to each other “Was that the doorbell?” Ahh hell, it had to be because we both thought we heard it. So I go check to make sure that my “home security system” is loaded and take the trigger lock off of it. While I am doing this, I look over and my wife is going to answer the door. So I rush out of the bedroom and look out this huge window that is over our front door (our master bed room is upstairs) and I see a van creeeeeeeping up the street with the headlights off. I quietly call her name and she looks at me like WHAT?! So I say to her “what the fuck are you doing?” and she says “answering the door” like I am some dumbass.

I can see that you are answering the door, the more important question is why. To which I replied to her with two words “HOME INVASION”. I am getting ready to put holes in people and she is getting ready to be quite the little pre-dawn hostess, lovely.

So she makes it to the door, flips on the outside light and pulls back one of the side window curtains and says “Can I help you?”.

Anyone want to take a stab at what the person on the other side of the door said? Come on make a guess, I will wait. Take your best shot. I bet you are not even close.

The response we hear coming from the other side of the door is and I quote “We are here for the body”. The only reply that we could muster was “cuse me!?”. To which this older white woman dressed in business attire and wearing a name tag replied “I am here for the body” while waving a toe tag.

Buy this time I am downstairs and I am not sure how I got there. Wha… how… huh? What do you mean you are here for the body?

This had to look like something out of a movie or TV show because the wife and I looked at each other then looked at the woman through the window and then looked back at each other with a shoulder shrug and the big eyes. So I look out the window and the van that I saw was from a funeral home and the guy is getting the stretcher and body bag out. Woah lady! What are you talking about, I don’t understand what you mean you are here for the body.

So looks at her clipboard and says is this such and such address which was close to ours. Whew, no you are at the wrong address. So she looks back and says so this isn’t such and such nursing home?

Ok, you’re a nice lady and all but does this look like a fucking nursing home in the middle of a neighborhood? Sorry, but at 3am when you have woken me, courtesy is in VERY limited supply. She apologizes and tells the guy at the van that they are at the wrong address.

After doing a quick check of the kids and making sure that they are still breathing we both go back to our room. So there I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling fan saying over and over again “That was fucking weird”. After about 45 minutes of that, I realized that I was going to beat rush hour traffic that morning and went to get ready for work.

Don’t get dead.

Hidden Camera Reality Television

I just realized that I haven't posted much on why I swear that I must be on some hidden TV show, like the movie "The Truman Show".

First off, let me hip you cool cats to my neighbors. On one side we have the side we the swingers, no seriously they are swingers. They even had a topless Halloween party. But if I paid as much for a body as the wife did, I would show it off too. Just not in the front yard dressed as topless Wonder Woman. They also like to watch porno… on the back porch that I could see from my kitchen window. In case you were wondering, Vivid Video's Naughty Nurses IV is good stuff.

Then on the other side there are the terrorist. No, they aren't mean or malicious or anything like that. In fact they are just the opposite. They are an overly nice and pretty quite Middle Eastern family. But think about it, every time they interview the neighbors of a bombing suspect, what do they say? Oh they were quite and kept to themselves, blah blah blah. But they are secretive. Like if I am cutting grass and they have the blinds open, they will close the blinds and they wont make eye contact. I am on to you Al Qaeda.

Of course in our old house, I came home to a note on the door one day that said someone from the Department of Defense wanted to speak with me about one of our neighbors.

And if the neighbors weren't enough to make you realize that it's a hidden camera reality show, then there is the other "cast members" who we have to interact with. Like the other day when while in a store my daughter asked a Middle Eastern woman, who was obviously married, if she knew that someone had drawn on her face. And then she told the woman that she shouldn't let people draw on her face. How do you save grace after that? You just got to move along.

This kind of shit don't happen to normal people.

I just hope the prizes at the end of the season are really good ones.

Don't get dead

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Just think before you speak

The other night me and this dame when to check out a flick. While we were watching the previews for upcoming movies there was one for the Speed Racer movie. During this preview the cast and crew was being interviewed when someone on the crew said that they “wanted to make a movie like no one has ever seen before”. Really?! A live action movie based on a cartoon. You’re breaking new ground there Copernicus. You think that is something like people have never seen before? Have you ever heard of a little film called Batman? Or maybe the Fantastic Four, X-Men, more recently Horton Hears a Who or even How the Grinch Stole Christmas? I am sure there are more, I just don’t care to research it. You really want to make a movie like no one has ever seen before, make Rhinoceros porn. I am pretty sure no one has ever seen that, I damn sure haven’t. Anyway.

So that got me to thinking about some of the other stupid things that people say. Like “New and Improved”, well not shit. Do you really think anyone would go for a “New! and worse than ever before” marketing campaign? What is the purpose of making something new if you are not going to improve it?

Another one I hear is “While supplies last”. Do you really have to tell people that you can only sell something for as long as you have it to sell? Isn’t that kind of a given?

“Built to last” is another one. Is that as opposed to “built to fall apart as soon as the warranty expires”? Or maybe “built to break as soon as it leaves the store”.
And of course there is “I’m just speechless”. Apparently not, because you just said something, I heard it. Which is also along the lines of “Needless to say”. Well then just do us all a favor and don’t say it. It will save you the energy and my ears from having to hear it and both of our time. Deal?

Of course you can’t leave out “You have to see it to believe it”. I don’t know why but I believe that cavemen existed but I didn’t see them. Ehh, any way.

Then there is “We can agree to disagree”. Holy hell, no, if you disagree then you are not agreeing on anything. If you both agree to disagree then you are not disagreeing are you.

Oh and this one; “This is your only choice”. So what are my other choices? What? There aren’t any other choices? Well then that’s not a choice now is it? Rephrase your statement stupidass.

Can’t leave out “First things first”. No shit. Ever wonder why you don’t do the last thing first? Or even the third thing first? Because you will have fucked it up and then we have to keep you away from the scissors and tape mittens to your hands.

Another one that I have heard is “highly illegal”. So are something’s mildly illegal or illegal light? Correct me if I am wrong, but there is no gray area in the legal/illegal arena.
And while I am on it, the word “elegant” is being WAY over used. Therefore demeaning the word and making it a bit common place.

My brother gets on his soap box when people use the phrase “Do you see what I am saying” to which he goes into a tirade of not being able to actually SEE words.

And someone that I used to work with had a thing about ATM machine and PIN number. Because ATM is an abbreviation for Automatic Teller Machine, therefore it is not an Automatic Teller Machine Machine. Just like PIN is an abbreviation of Person Identification Number, not Person Identification Number Number.

I know that I had more but I just can’t remember them right now. So what stupid things do you hear people say?

Don't get dead
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