Late night visitor

One night the better half and I are sound asleep when something wakes me around 3 in the morning. It’s one of those things where you say to yourself “Did I just hear the doorbell?” which was immediately followed by the thought of “I am going to have to kill a mother fucker”. Look, I have two small children, so sleep is at a premium in mi casa. About this time I look over and my wife is sitting up in bed and we say to each other “Was that the doorbell?” Ahh hell, it had to be because we both thought we heard it. So I go check to make sure that my “home security system” is loaded and take the trigger lock off of it. While I am doing this, I look over and my wife is going to answer the door. So I rush out of the bedroom and look out this huge window that is over our front door (our master bed room is upstairs) and I see a van creeeeeeeping up the street with the headlights off. I quietly call her name and she looks at me like WHAT?! So I say to her “what the fuck are you doing?” and she says “answering the door” like I am some dumbass.

I can see that you are answering the door, the more important question is why. To which I replied to her with two words “HOME INVASION”. I am getting ready to put holes in people and she is getting ready to be quite the little pre-dawn hostess, lovely.

So she makes it to the door, flips on the outside light and pulls back one of the side window curtains and says “Can I help you?”.

Anyone want to take a stab at what the person on the other side of the door said? Come on make a guess, I will wait. Take your best shot. I bet you are not even close.

The response we hear coming from the other side of the door is and I quote “We are here for the body”. The only reply that we could muster was “cuse me!?”. To which this older white woman dressed in business attire and wearing a name tag replied “I am here for the body” while waving a toe tag.

Buy this time I am downstairs and I am not sure how I got there. Wha… how… huh? What do you mean you are here for the body?

This had to look like something out of a movie or TV show because the wife and I looked at each other then looked at the woman through the window and then looked back at each other with a shoulder shrug and the big eyes. So I look out the window and the van that I saw was from a funeral home and the guy is getting the stretcher and body bag out. Woah lady! What are you talking about, I don’t understand what you mean you are here for the body.

So looks at her clipboard and says is this such and such address which was close to ours. Whew, no you are at the wrong address. So she looks back and says so this isn’t such and such nursing home?

Ok, you’re a nice lady and all but does this look like a fucking nursing home in the middle of a neighborhood? Sorry, but at 3am when you have woken me, courtesy is in VERY limited supply. She apologizes and tells the guy at the van that they are at the wrong address.

After doing a quick check of the kids and making sure that they are still breathing we both go back to our room. So there I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling fan saying over and over again “That was fucking weird”. After about 45 minutes of that, I realized that I was going to beat rush hour traffic that morning and went to get ready for work.

Don’t get dead.