Wednesday, October 28, 2009

With a name like this, it has to be good (Or at least a lot of fun)!

It started out as a day like any other day. I was sitting in traffic on my way to work when I saw a food delivery service truck like these two.

But on the back of the truck that I saw there was the same white bear wearing a chef’s hat but he was hugging a donut. But the center of the donut didn’t look like a normal donut, it looked like a balloon knot.

I thought it was some kind of joke or something so I googled this company as soon as I could and it’s a real company. It’s a baked goods company from Mexico.

You know how some things translate differently from one country to another? Like how the Chevy Nova had to be renamed in Mexico because no va means no go in Spanish. So you think that they might have looked into this before they opened their operations in the states.

Maybe it’s because of where I am from, but I’m not eating bimbos! And while on their website I see that they have a recipe for crab cakes. One of the last things that I want is crabs from a bimbo, caked or not!

And I see that these bimbos are expanding into the United States, so I wonder are bimbos popular in Mexico? And all of the bimbos that I have seen so far on their site and trucks were white, so do they have other types of bimbos? Like are there chocolate bimbos? And are you looked down upon if you buy a bimbo? What if you buy a bunch of bimbos, do your friends shun you? And their honey buns, do you think that they are hot? Probably glazed? Think they are cream filled? And why is it that I think a lot of these bimbos have white powder on them?

I think I am going to have to do some bimbo research!

Don’t get dead

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The best lunch ever!

I had lunch with a co-worker at a local Chinese restaurant which was run by a group of people with a pretty heavy Asian accent. And I have nothing against anyone who was not born in the United States starting a business in the United States as long as everything is legal.

And typically I would not be a fan of Dr. Pepper as a matter of fact I usually refer to it as swill. But I may have found a new fondness for it in certain situations.

So there we are sitting at the table, one guy brings us a couple of glasses of water and some of those fried noodles.

A short while later a waitress brings us a couple of menus and takes our drink order. I tell her that I would like a Diet Coke and she says in her heavy accent “one diet coke”. Then my co-worker says “I’ll have a Dr. Pepper” and the waitress says what sounds to us like “and one donkey pecker”.

Just so you know, fried egg noodles hurt like hell when damn near launched out of your nose.

Don’t get dead

Monday, October 19, 2009

My “Haunted” House

Since it is almost Halloween I thought that I would share my very, very scary haunted house story with everyone.

I don’t know if I watched too many Scooby Doo movies growing up or what, but years back I was sure that I bought a haunted house.

Let me set the scene for you. It was a nice spring day, the temperature was probably in the high 60s, a nice breeze in the air and not a cloud in the sky as I am sitting in the lobby of the title company staring at the biggest check I have ever had to give someone. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “do I really want to get rid of all of this cash for a house”. But I went through and did it. I became a homeowner for the first time. Later that day the moving company pulls up with all of my stuff and they start to move me in. I go through and do the normal stuff like put my bed together and figure out where I am going to put the TV and so on.

Of course since I’m not very smart I didn’t think have to have the cable/phone/internet turned on. Hell, I was proud I got the water, gas and electricity turned on to be honest with you. Hours go by and I am still unpacking and moving crap around and being a happy little camper as the sun begins to set. This is when all of the weird stuff started happening.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a brother who is a few years older than me. And his sole mission in life was to torture me. Now the reason that I am telling you about him is because I told him about the house and where it was, fully expecting him to come by and mess with me as he has done countless times in the past.

So, what is the weird stuff you might be asking? Well, I never realized how dark this street was until after the sun had fully set. Then I started to hear this weird scratching noise coming from the ceiling. After a brief trip outside I realized that a couple of tree branches needed to be pruned, not a big deal at all, back to unpacking my stuff.

Then I hear the storm door close kind of hard. Not quite a slam but harder than normal closure. Ah ha, he (my brother) is here! I just knew it. So I waited by the front door in the dark entry way, ready to spring into action and do my ninja flip on the light/open the door really fast combo move. So I hear the door open and I flip on the light and pull open the door and there is not a sole there. Now thinking that my brother is not that fast so I thought he brought someone with him to bump up the effect. But I also noticed that his car wasn’t around either. Then I thought I am going to have to go into some sort of countermeasure to catch him. So I turned off the external lights around the house and the lights in the rooms in the back of the house. Then I quietly snuck out the back door into the back yard and out the gate. Quietly I sneak around my own house ready to bust him/them. But there was no one there, anywhere around the house. I walked around the neighborhood and down the alley and I didn’t see anything anywhere. Ok, maybe I am a little paranoid? NAAHHHHH! And back to the house I go.

Once back in the house, I start unpacking stuff again and I hear it again, BAM! The storm door shuts pretty hard again. Ok, now this is bothering me a bit. But never the less, I continue unpacking. Then as I am carrying one box past the entryway (with the front porch lights on) the storm door opened all by itself and it kind of….uuked me. Then it kind of pissed me off, I don’t know why but I was convinced that someone was jacking with me. So I go and load my “home security system”, if you know what I mean, and put it in my pocket. And then I camp out in the dark entry way. You see the front door was a wooden door where the top half was frosted glass. So I could see shapes and stuff but not clearly. So the three of us, me, Smith & Wesson , are just waiting for whatever jack ass it is to open and close the door again. Then I see it, the storm door is opening. I race to the front door, open it as quickly as I could and then realized that it was the freaking wind opening and closing my door because I had not latched it fully and one of those door closing gas piston gismos wasn’t working properly. Yep, felt like a major dipshit. I mean there I am putting my cleaning supplies under the sink with my pistol in my pocket because I am too stupid to recognize wind.

And that wasn’t all. As the night continued on I kept hearing all of these weird noises throughout the house. I even saw a reflection of myself in one of my bathroom mirrors that I forgot was there and damn near unloaded on it. In my defense, it was dark in the bathroom and I didn’t have a mirror in the same place in my apartment that I had lived in for years, so it startled me.

And it took me a few times to realize that the air conditioner made this weird “thunk” nose when it came on. All of these weird noises that I wasn’t used to that you notice when you don’t have a TV on.

But the scariest part is when I decided to go to bed. I’m tired, it’s late and this is a new house. I climb into bed and try to get settled in. Just as I am about to doze off I hear this ssssshhuuuuu kind of whistling sound.

Yep sat right up and said out loud “What the fuck was that!?”. Yeah, no way in hell am I about to just doze off now. It was sort of a low eerie sounding… well, sound. It was almost as if something knew that I was about to go to sleep.

I am racking my brain and I just can’t think of what would make this weird whistling sound.

After a couple of minutes I figure it’s the wind or something and talk myself out of checking every single thing in the house. We don’t want to be ridiculous now do we? Of course we don’t. Now I am getting settled back in the bed and start to laugh at myself for being such a P word.

After a chuckle, I settle in and just about to doze off and … ssssshhhuuuuu.

DAMNIT ALL TO HELL, WHAT IS THAT NOISE!? It sounded like it was in the same room with me. Cue the Ray Parker Jr. song Ghostbusters.

I get my happy ass out of bed and check everything, the laundry room, the kitchen all of the bedrooms, the dining and living room, the game room, everywhere. Inside and out. The last place I needed to check was the mater closet. I even got a chair out of the kitchen and was looking on the upper shelves.

That’s when I felt something and slid it off the shelf. You know, it’s a good thing that I didn’t jump off of the chair and hit my head on something because I don't want the cause of death on my death certificate to say "stupidity". It was this Alfred E. Newman (yeah, the guy from Mad magazine) paper mask. Something about that mask with no eyes startled me. Now I am going to have to figure out which boxes have the clean clothes and toilet paper in them.

So there I am standing on a kitchen chair in my closet with this stupid paper mask in my hands wondering what in the hell this noise is, I take a deep breath as if to say “F it” and exhale through my nose. And it happened again!

That’s when I realized that the sssshhhuuu noise was my freaking nose whistling when I was breathing. Dust caused me to damn near scare the hell out of myself. And I hadn’t been drinking or anything!

Don’t get dead

Friday, October 16, 2009

Pieces of Me

You cannot put more than one CD into a car single disk player, no matter how drunk you are.

I think people who don’t know if they are coming or going aren’t doing it right.

Today I saw a guy smoking Pall Malls, he looked really good for a thousand years old.

I have come to the realization that the mens room is where all the dicks hang out.

I live in Texas, where it is always pretty warm. Halloween is coming up. I think I am going to give out popsicles. Think about it.

Do you think the phrase “take it like a man” has a different meaning in places like San Francisco?

Could someone explain to me what the saying “There aint a hair on your ass if you don’t…” means and how it proves manliness? What does a hairy ass have to do with being a man?

If everyone is concerned about people between the ages of 14 and 18 getting into drugs, you think they would change high school to something like sober school. The kids are getting confused.

Guns don’t kill people, murders kill people.

If it wasn’t for gravity, I would have the cleanest house in the world.

I have found out that you are not late until they have started without you.

When I get bored I put on a pair of khakis and a red pull over shirt and head down to Target to fuck with people.

How exactly do you shit someone?

Yesterday I went to a store where I saw a handicapped guy parking in one of our parking spots. So I pushed his wheelchair to the back of the parking lot, with my car. If I can’t park in your spots without catching hell, you can’t park in ours!

Don’t get dead

Thursday, October 01, 2009

I may be dying right now

The other day I was flipping through the channels and came across a program on the heart and heart attacks, which was really interesting. There where all kinds of amazing things that they covered in this show. Things about various types of heart disease and heart defects and all kinds of medical stuff that I never knew about.

While watching this show I found out that there is such a thing as a painless heart attack. During this heart attack, as the name explains, you don’t feel any pain. None at all. To the extent that you don’t even know that you are having a heart attack.

Holy shit on a stick, this freaks me out! Why you may ask? Because I am having no pain RIGHT NOW. I am having massive amounts of absolutely no pain. Someone CALL 9-1-1!!!

The show said that people who experience painless heart attacks are going through their day just like always and BOOM, dead as a doornail. Man, that’s jacked up. I mean you didn’t even get a chance to call the medics or anything. What if you had some fun shit to do later that day?

How bad would it suck to spend all of eternity being asked how you died and all you can say is “I don’t know? One minute I was getting ready for a date with these two hot blondes and the next minute I am here with you stiffs.” You didn’t even get a chance to live the dream. That has got to be the ultimate screw job. That would suck royally!


Don’t get dead

File this under the “You Got to be Kidding Me” heading

First there was the mansierre, or “bro” or manbra thing or whatever you want to call it from Sienfeld, which was sort of funny. Then there was the man purse, which still is funny, and now there is the … wait for it … wait for it …


This can’t be serious, but it is. Seems that a company called Unconditional is manufacturing them and they are being sold in a British department store called Selfridges.

Not only are these the dumbest thing I have heard of in a long time, they are $112 each or a pair or whatever.

Set to debut this week, they are going to be a one-size –fits-all garment. Really? You mean to tell me that you are going to try to sell the same sized item to Michael Jordon, Verne Troyer and George Forman? Maybe I am crazy but I really don’t think it’s going to fit correctly. And speaking of fitting, what about those of us who wear boxers? I doubt highly that this is going to be a sensation of everlasting comfort that I am going to enjoy, even when I’m not going out.

Then they go on to let you know that they come in three colors (black, charcoal & beige), why?

When in the hell would you ever wear these/this item(s) where you would actually let anyone else see it? I don’t even notice the color of socks.

But wait! There’s more! Apparently they are made out of cotton and Lycra, which is designed to keep the fellas nice and toasty on those chilly fall nights. Because let’s face it, if you’re a dude and you’re wearing “Mantihose”, you are alone at night. You damn sure aren’t snuggling up with a woman in bed.

One of the supposed benefits of the “Mantihose” is to create a slimmer silhouette under winter clothes. Yeaaahhh. Because we all know how slim fitting winter clothing is. Nothing says stick figure like a down goose coat.

I doubt even men in Scotland, where it gets cold and they wear dres… uhh, kilts would even consider wearing mantihose.

Nothing says being a man like putting on some pantyhose. Going for a ride on your Harley? Don’t forget your mantihose. Heavy night of drinking and bar hoping with the boys? A Mantihose must! Getting ready to go hunting? Mantihose! Camping with the fellas for the weekend? This calls for mantihose. Is it game day and you’re heading out for some tailgating? Make sure to wear the appropriate color of mantihose.

If this takes off… SHOOT ME!

Don’t get dead
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