My “Haunted” House

Since it is almost Halloween I thought that I would share my very, very scary haunted house story with everyone.

I don’t know if I watched too many Scooby Doo movies growing up or what, but years back I was sure that I bought a haunted house.

Let me set the scene for you. It was a nice spring day, the temperature was probably in the high 60s, a nice breeze in the air and not a cloud in the sky as I am sitting in the lobby of the title company staring at the biggest check I have ever had to give someone. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “do I really want to get rid of all of this cash for a house”. But I went through and did it. I became a homeowner for the first time. Later that day the moving company pulls up with all of my stuff and they start to move me in. I go through and do the normal stuff like put my bed together and figure out where I am going to put the TV and so on.

Of course since I’m not very smart I didn’t think have to have the cable/phone/internet turned on. Hell, I was proud I got the water, gas and electricity turned on to be honest with you. Hours go by and I am still unpacking and moving crap around and being a happy little camper as the sun begins to set. This is when all of the weird stuff started happening.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a brother who is a few years older than me. And his sole mission in life was to torture me. Now the reason that I am telling you about him is because I told him about the house and where it was, fully expecting him to come by and mess with me as he has done countless times in the past.

So, what is the weird stuff you might be asking? Well, I never realized how dark this street was until after the sun had fully set. Then I started to hear this weird scratching noise coming from the ceiling. After a brief trip outside I realized that a couple of tree branches needed to be pruned, not a big deal at all, back to unpacking my stuff.

Then I hear the storm door close kind of hard. Not quite a slam but harder than normal closure. Ah ha, he (my brother) is here! I just knew it. So I waited by the front door in the dark entry way, ready to spring into action and do my ninja flip on the light/open the door really fast combo move. So I hear the door open and I flip on the light and pull open the door and there is not a sole there. Now thinking that my brother is not that fast so I thought he brought someone with him to bump up the effect. But I also noticed that his car wasn’t around either. Then I thought I am going to have to go into some sort of countermeasure to catch him. So I turned off the external lights around the house and the lights in the rooms in the back of the house. Then I quietly snuck out the back door into the back yard and out the gate. Quietly I sneak around my own house ready to bust him/them. But there was no one there, anywhere around the house. I walked around the neighborhood and down the alley and I didn’t see anything anywhere. Ok, maybe I am a little paranoid? NAAHHHHH! And back to the house I go.

Once back in the house, I start unpacking stuff again and I hear it again, BAM! The storm door shuts pretty hard again. Ok, now this is bothering me a bit. But never the less, I continue unpacking. Then as I am carrying one box past the entryway (with the front porch lights on) the storm door opened all by itself and it kind of….uuked me. Then it kind of pissed me off, I don’t know why but I was convinced that someone was jacking with me. So I go and load my “home security system”, if you know what I mean, and put it in my pocket. And then I camp out in the dark entry way. You see the front door was a wooden door where the top half was frosted glass. So I could see shapes and stuff but not clearly. So the three of us, me, Smith & Wesson , are just waiting for whatever jack ass it is to open and close the door again. Then I see it, the storm door is opening. I race to the front door, open it as quickly as I could and then realized that it was the freaking wind opening and closing my door because I had not latched it fully and one of those door closing gas piston gismos wasn’t working properly. Yep, felt like a major dipshit. I mean there I am putting my cleaning supplies under the sink with my pistol in my pocket because I am too stupid to recognize wind.

And that wasn’t all. As the night continued on I kept hearing all of these weird noises throughout the house. I even saw a reflection of myself in one of my bathroom mirrors that I forgot was there and damn near unloaded on it. In my defense, it was dark in the bathroom and I didn’t have a mirror in the same place in my apartment that I had lived in for years, so it startled me.

And it took me a few times to realize that the air conditioner made this weird “thunk” nose when it came on. All of these weird noises that I wasn’t used to that you notice when you don’t have a TV on.


But the scariest part is when I decided to go to bed. I’m tired, it’s late and this is a new house. I climb into bed and try to get settled in. Just as I am about to doze off I hear this ssssshhuuuuu kind of whistling sound.

Yep sat right up and said out loud “What the fuck was that!?”. Yeah, no way in hell am I about to just doze off now. It was sort of a low eerie sounding… well, sound. It was almost as if something knew that I was about to go to sleep.

I am racking my brain and I just can’t think of what would make this weird whistling sound.

After a couple of minutes I figure it’s the wind or something and talk myself out of checking every single thing in the house. We don’t want to be ridiculous now do we? Of course we don’t. Now I am getting settled back in the bed and start to laugh at myself for being such a P word.

After a chuckle, I settle in and just about to doze off and … ssssshhhuuuuu.

DAMNIT ALL TO HELL, WHAT IS THAT NOISE!? It sounded like it was in the same room with me. Cue the Ray Parker Jr. song Ghostbusters.

I get my happy ass out of bed and check everything, the laundry room, the kitchen all of the bedrooms, the dining and living room, the game room, everywhere. Inside and out. The last place I needed to check was the mater closet. I even got a chair out of the kitchen and was looking on the upper shelves.

That’s when I felt something and slid it off the shelf. You know, it’s a good thing that I didn’t jump off of the chair and hit my head on something because I don't want the cause of death on my death certificate to say "stupidity". It was this Alfred E. Newman (yeah, the guy from Mad magazine) paper mask. Something about that mask with no eyes startled me. Now I am going to have to figure out which boxes have the clean clothes and toilet paper in them.

So there I am standing on a kitchen chair in my closet with this stupid paper mask in my hands wondering what in the hell this noise is, I take a deep breath as if to say “F it” and exhale through my nose. And it happened again!

That’s when I realized that the sssshhhuuu noise was my freaking nose whistling when I was breathing. Dust caused me to damn near scare the hell out of myself. And I hadn’t been drinking or anything!

Don’t get dead