The Great American Pastime

Last night was one of those nights that make life worth living. The family and I got free tickets to the Rangers game. My children had a blast and the wife and I had a great time as well. To add to this great night, the weather was perfect. Here is a quick breakdown of the night’s festivities.

- If free tickets weren’t good enough, free tickets for great seats with a parking pass and a great fireworks display after the show are!

- With our parking pass we received a free program, in the program was a full page Hooters ad. My son loved it. He kept turning back to that page. I am so proud of him.

- During the game, while the Rangers where at bat, one of the Rangers got thrown out of the game. The thing is, he wasn’t the one at bat. He was actually in the dugout. From what I could tell, he disagreed with the home plate umpires call and voiced his opinion, he was promptly sent to the showers but not before he gave the umpire a detailed piece of his mind. During this despicable display of displeasure (said in my best Geraldo Rivera impression) the team’s manager must have either been trying to dance with his player or play keep away because they where moving back and forth very closely right in front of the umpire.

- Right after trying to calm down his player the manager got tossed as well. Apparently when the manager went to go back to the dugout after the player finally left the field the umpire said something that angered the manager and they had a little discussion which sent the manager to the showers.

- Two rows behind us were four of the biggest queens who knew absolutely nothing about baseball. The only bats they ever held were between each others legs. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not gay bashing, I am asshole bashing. It would be different if they didn’t know anything about baseball and were curious (about the game) but these pricks thought they knew everything about the game. Yelled at the centerfielder when he threw the ball home as opposed to second base (which was closer *eye roll*) even though the runner had already rounded third and was on his way home. Then the lead queen bitched about calling a left handed pitcher out of the bullpen to face a right handed batter because the right handed pitcher was “doing so well”. The head queen (you pick if pun was intended or not) actually said that he could coach better then the coach, you know the one who has played baseball all his life and spent his entire career in baseball. As opposed to the sweater folder from the Gap, who was wearing his (with a lisp) San Francisco cap. Fabulous! The best part about them was how everyone else was making fun of them for being complete tools.

- During the 7th inning stretch, the outfielders where standing together in centerfield and for some reason everyone just looked out there and security started running on to the field from all directions. At some point a fan ran onto the field and was just hanging out with the outfielders. When he saw security coming at him he took off. He almost made it to the seats by first base when a security guard slammed him to the ground. Apparently they wanted him to get a good look at the grass in fall ball territory because they put his face down there, real hard too! Then they taught him some yoga. Two security guards took an arm each and tied them into a pretzel shape behind his back as they “lead” (dragged) him up the steps.

We were pretty much a streaker short of a perfect game.

Then after the game and fireworks were over and as we were heading to the car I heard and saw one of the greatest things.

Standing outside of the stadium was a girl on her cell phone trying to find her friends. Her side of the conversation as we were walking by went like this, “Where are you guys? I am outside by a tree”. An outburst of laughter from EVERYONE walking by immediately followed. You see, this girl was your stereotypical blonde and on EVERY street surrounding the ballpark are dozens and dozens of trees. I know, that’s crazy. So we all took turns mocking her. One guy said, “You know, by a tree, by a road”, which I added to with “I am near some grass…” and then another guy added, “like by this sidewalk” and behind us we could hear other people saying stuff like “yeah, it’s dark where I am” and other things like that.

I am so proud of my fellow smartasses.

Don’t get dead