Funky Cold Medina

While in the car earlier, I was scanning the dial and heard Tone Loc’s Funky Cold Medina. And when I heard it, I just started laughing.

Again this is a story from my youth. While I was in college I had a class with a guy named Jamie who was a part time model. But he was a really cool guy. Not an egomaniac or anything like that, he was pretty normal actually. Jamie had a friend named Dana who lacked self-confidence but was a good guy. He wasn’t a bad looking guy and wrestled previously so he was in pretty good shape.

Dana and his girlfriend had broken up and he was sort of bummed about it. So we thought that we would all go out one night and hook Dana up. What a better wingman than a model, right? So when Dana would score with the ugly friend of the girl who wants to get with Jamie, she would probably still be pretty hot.

So we decided to get together one Saturday night to take Dana out to meet some girls. We decided on this club that if I am remembering correctly was called “Cabaret”. It was a normal dance club/bar kind of place. I remember that we were near the DJ booth so that we could see pretty much all of the club. Shortly after getting there Dana sees a girl and sort of nods/motions towards here and all of the fellas look over. One of the guys was telling him that he didn’t want to hook up with her and started to point out all of the people in the bar that she had slept with. Fast forward a couple of hours, several chicks and enough beer to cripple a Clydesdale later and Dana sets his eyes on this blonde. Now I have no idea if it was because of the beer or because of some broad that I was talking to or what, but I really didn’t pay attention to this chick that caught Dana’s eye. Sadly, neither did anyone else. So Dana and the dame take off to go back to his place and we all end up going our separate ways over the course of the night.

So Sunday I don’t hear from Jamie or Dana and don’t think anything about it but when I got to class on Monday Jamie was pacing waiting for me. You could just see the excitement in his eyes. Our conversation went a little like this.

Jamie: DUUUUDE, have you talked to Dana since Saturday?
Me: No, why?
Jamie: Sit down dude, I got a story to tell you.

So to paraphrase the rest of the conversation, Dana and the girl go back to his place. At this point it is relevant that I give you a layout of Dana’s apartment. It was small, very small. It was a one-bedroom that was so small you had to go through his bedroom to get to the only bathroom. This comes into play a little later. At this point Dana starts to work his best, dusty moves. He lit some candles, opened some wine and put on some jazz. After some time of sitting on the couch and getting to know each other and making small talk Dana excused himself to go use the bathroom.

As he exited his bathroom he sees his date in the bed with the covers up to her neck. Then he notices her cloths, all of them, on the floor. Of course Dana is thinking, “let’s cut out the middle man and get right down to business”. So he takes his clothes off and his date does the raised eyebrow thing followed by a “mmmmm”. Once Dana is naked he slips under the covers and reaches over and starts to rub his dates leg. So he works his way up from the knee to the thigh and then over just a bit. This is where this date took a horrible turn. According to Jamie, Dana “grabbed a tree trunk”.

Of course Jamie and I took several minutes to quit laughing so that I could get the rest of the story.

So Jamie continues with what Dana had told him. He said that Jamie threw the covers back and from the neck up was this blonde chick and from the neck down was “all man”. Dana yells, “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!” to which he received a reply of, “I just wanted to make you happy”. Dana FREAKED out. He started yelling, “GET THE FUCK OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT NOW!” over and over again.

Again a pause for laughter.

Apparently while still in a rage Dana just keeps yelling at his date, who was trying to calm him down. The date kept telling him to chill out and calm down and Dana would tell him that he didn’t want to chill out or calm down and to get the F out now. Jamie then tells me that he just freaked out even more and started to beat the shit out of this girl/guy. Said that he was just punching and kicking him and slamming him around his apartment. And he (Dana) just kept yelling to get out. Come to find out that the date couldn’t move, because Dana had broken both of his legs and one of his arms. So Dana picks him up like a husband would carry his bride over the threshold and begins to talk towards the front door. As he tried to carry this person out of his apartment the date reaches with the non-broken arm and grabs the door frame. Dana was so pissed off that he just halfway tossed the date out of the doorway. So the date is still hanging onto the doorframe and Dana just starts to slam the door over and over again on his dates hand.

Dana calls the cops and when they arrived it took them over 20 minutes to quit laughing. There is a person with the face of a woman that apparently had a porn star penis lying on the ground helpless and crying.

Dana’s date told the police that he would not press charges if Dana didn’t tell anyone about it. Yeah, like we are going to keep a story like that down.

So back to the song and why it made me laugh, in that song there is a line, “when she got undressed, it was a big ole mess, Sheena was a man” which sparked a memory. And now you know.

Don’t get dead