Some people

I don’t know if it is that I attract some of the most “interesting” people in the world or if other people just brush of stuff that I fixate on, but I have heard people say things that astonish me. I am not talking anything that is stunning to hear, just pompous.

For example, while talking to this guy at a party once he tells me, “I am really funny”. Now this was during a conversation, he didn’t just walk up to me and proclaim his inherent hilarity. But I had to ask if people tell him that he was funny all of the time and that’s why he said it and he tells me, “No, I just know that I am funny”. A dumbass is what you are. If no one tells you that you are funny but you “know” that you are funny, you’re an idiot.

Don’t get me wrong, I think people should be proud of who they are but there comes a point where pride is taken over by ignorance.

Just like another time I was talking to a different guy and he was telling me how smart he was. Something like this:

Him – “Yeah, I know I am smarter than most people”

Me – “Really, how is that?”

Him – “Well I have a genius IQ”

Granted genius boy did go and graduate from college but it’s not like he went to MIT or any of the Ivy League schools. And matter of fact, I know that he spent several months in jail. Which is sad because it means that he isn’t smart enough to not get caught and I know dumbasses who have done illegal stuff and didn’t get caught.

What is it that causes some people to come out and blatantly brag on themselves like that? Is something missing from their life and the feel the need to compensate? Or is it that I give off the “enlighten me with your greatest skill” vibe or what? Typically if you watch award shows of interviews with some athletes the person receiving the praise is a bit humbled. I know not always but they are also either giving an acceptance speech or being interviewed. I doubt highly that Peyton Manning comes up to people at parties and says, “You know, I am a pretty damn spectacular football player”.

The thing that is funny about all of this is that, at least in my experiences, these people are dead wrong. Smart guy went to jail, funny dude is more like sad and every chick that I know who bragged on how well they gave head was wrong too. I just wish people would go in the other direction. Tell me what you do really shitty so I wont even consider asking you to do that.

If some guy came up to me and told me that he couldn’t cook to save his life, I would take his word for it and I wouldn’t come over for dinner. And if some dude told me that he was bad with money I wouldn’t take investment tips from him. If some guy where to tell me, “Man, I can’t fly for shit” I wouldn’t let him pilot a plane that I was going to travel in. But they don’t people only tell you self-inflating things.

Oh and something’s that aren’t said but more “presented” to the public are just as bad. Look, if you feel that you are the best looking thing to ever walk the earth and there isn’t a humble bone in your body, I got some bad news for you. Don’t get me wrong, confidence is sexy, very sexy. But overconfidence is comical, VERY comical. And while I am on the looks/sex appeal thing, I know that I am not the most studly man in the history of the world, but I don’t perceive myself like that either, so I got a little room to talk. Some of you people out there need mirrors, grooming tips and fashion advice.

Guys, trim your damn nose hair. Make it a habbit. And fellas if you ride with the windows down in your car, carry a brush. I doubt highly anyone goes into Toni & Guy asking for the Buckwheat hair style. And guys, since the weather is getting cooler, don’t wear your gold chains on the outside of your turtle neck shirts. This includes mock turtle neck shirts as well. What else, oh yeah, if you are going to wear sandals trim those damn Fritos scoops toenails.

Ladies, I got some advice for you too. First off, if your tits are touching your belt while you are standing straight up, you need a bra that fits right. Spend the couple of extra bucks and stop bra shopping at the dollar store. And if you do fit this mold, don’t you even think about wearing a low cut top, udder cleavage is nasty. You probably got some kind of tit-cheese growing in there and that is nasty. I love a good set of boobs (do I ever!), but if your girls look like a potato hanging in a pair of pantyhose no one wants to see that. Secondly, you know when your roots are showing just like the rest of us do, fix them. And just because something comes in your size don’t mean that it is appropriate for you to wear it. I could get my big ass in a thong Speedo bathing suit, but I don’t. Mainly because I don’t want to mentally scar anyone. And finally, work the features that you get compliments on. Not compliments from your mom or your boyfriend/husband but compliments from everyone. If you ask your husband if your ass looks big and he tells you no and that he loves your ass because you got a sexy ass, he is trying to avoid hurting your feelings. But if a casual co-worker tells you that your butt looks good while you are at lunch or in the ladies room or something like that, go with it. Promote your assets, so to speak. But just because your ass or chest is big by no circumstance means that it is attractive. Again, if you are the only one who thinks it, don’t accentuate or promote it.

I don’t know, I could be wrong.

Don’t get dead.