Pay back, part 1

I have told this story a couple of times lately and I guess I will tell it here too. I can’t stand liars. I always try to bust them and hang them out to dry. Now if you are telling a tale with the fellas, that’s fine. But if you are either making up shit or outright telling a lie, I got no sympathy for you.

So years ago right after I got out of high school I worked in a peanut mill. While in the mill you could not wear jewelry and pretty much couldn’t have stuff in your pockets. In the break room we didn’t have lockers, we had shelves with lines to denote a persons “space”. The rule of thumb was that you just didn’t mess with anyone else’s stuff, which never should have to be called out. So at the time I smoked, not that I am proud of it but it is the truth. After some period of time I would notice that if my pack of smokes was anywhere between damn near full or damn near empty, it would seem like some where missing every now and then.

While working at this place we had one of the biggest ass-kisses that the world has ever seen. This guy named David. David was a professional fuck-off. He would always go to the bath room a few minutes before break time and someone would always catch him shooting the shit or something, pretty much would do anything to take an extended break. Not a huge deal, but sometimes the crew was small and we needed everyone to contribute. Well when David wasn’t fucking off he would come back from the bathroom and would do his hands in a motion as if he was breaking a stick, the international break gesture, from down the hall. Now typically since David was already so much closer to the break room and smoking area than the rest of us he was usually already smoking when the rest of us got there. But David never had cigarettes of his own.

So one day I asked him if he was taking mine. I told him that if he was I just wanted to know. He swore up and down that he wasn’t and acted offended.

So I let time go by and I switched brands to a brand that a brownish wrapper around the filter. The reason I did this is part of my plan to catch who was taking them. I had a plan that I was about to put into effect. After several days, a week or so, I took a brand new pack of the brown filter cigarettes and removed all of them from the box. I then laid them out and misted all of the filters with Doe in Heat. If you don’t know what that is, it is deer urine extracted from a female deer during mating season. And it stinks like hell. So I took the smokes and put most of them back in the pack and took my happy ass to work.

I set this partial pack of smokes up on the shelf and went about my day like normal. Since this was a peanut mill that is all you could smell. Even my car smelled like peanuts, so you could not smell the urine.

A few minutes before break time David took his daily trip to the bathroom, shortly thereafter David came out of the break room and gave us the break hand gesture. I nudged one of my co-worker buddies and said, “show time”. He asked what I meant and I told him to just come with me outside. When we got there, there is a crowd of people around David and he was on his hands and knees coughing, spitting and his sinuses were draining. Without getting overly excited I asked David if he was ok. To which he replied with, “Damn dude, what is wrong with your cigarettes!?” To which I replied “Oh, my cigarettes, the ones that I asked you about and you swore that you weren’t taking? They are coated with deer piss. Not only did you just put animal piss in your mouth but you likely in jested piss vapors. Why don’t you keep stealing shit homeboy!” Well I could have left bricks of gold sitting in my space and no one would have touched it.

And David quit a couple of weeks later.

Don’t get dead