Guys rules for going to a club

Guys, this one is for you. With “Singles Awareness Day” or as some call it “Valentines Day” being tomorrow I thought that I would share with you some rules to help you find that lovely lady.

First off, women don’t want to be with some push over smuck. So be confident. Nice is for pussies, be a man. Jesus son, grow a pair! So if you ask a chick to dance and she brushes you off, tell her that you didn’t ask her for head just to dance and that she shouldn’t be such a cunt and to lighten up. They love that, drives them crazy.

Another thing that would help you is if you are so inclined to actually “dance” (god help you) remember these few rules for being a man while dancing (shiver).
• NEVER let your arms get above your shoulders. What are you some kind of queen? You’re not bringing sexy back if you look like it’s raining men, get it?
• Don’t ever ever ever ever ever sing along with the song. I don’t care how great of a song it is, never sing along with it.
• For the love of everything holy, don’t do the running man, the lawnmower, the sprinkler or the shaking dice thing. You only make yourself look like a bigger goober.
• Remember that dames think of dancing like vertical sex, so turn her around, bend her over at the waist and pound away!
• Never dance to more than one song at a time. Trust me, if you are a guy, you don’t dance well. Don’t make a huge ass out of yourself. And if you do actually have decent moves, leave them wanting more.
• No fucking techno, EVER!

Let’s move along to drinking. Beer is fine but is gives off a certain financial limit vibe. Drink mixed drinks. And not some fruity crap either. No drinks with umbrellas or fruit in them. What are you, Fabio? And for the sake of men everywhere, no bright colored drinks! Ever! Drinks should be dark in color. Come on you pansy, man up! And another thing, don’t drink out of a fucking staw, you are not in kindergarten. You got fuzz on your peaches right? Show it!

Make sure that you don’t dress like a dildo too. You’re going to a club to try to get laid, not an interview. No starch in anything you are wearing. And more than two buttons (starting at the very top of your shirt) unbuttoned is completely unacceptable. Come on dude, not t-shirts or anything with a hole in it. And don’t wear sneakers or tennis shoes, if you don’t have normal shoes you are not ready for a woman anyway. Wear a belt but don’t clip ANYTHING to it. And make sure that the belt and the shoes match. And no loud colors! Ever! If you are so inclined as to wear cologne pay very important attention to this part, JUST A FUCKING LITTLE BIT OF IT. Don’t bath in the shit. Let me give you some help here, go to the mall and look at the price tags of the colognes in the case. Find one that is more than you would pay for a bottle of cologne and find that tester bottle. Two sprays of it, no more. And if your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel, well you are on your own, I can’t help you. Oh and no sunglasses. The more accessories that you have, the more you look … well just sad. Drawing attention to yourself = got nothing going for yourself.

Talking to chicks is crucial. Keep saying this handy little phrase to yourself “shut the fuck up”. And remember it. If you are talking, you are fucking up. Well if you are talking too much. Talking to women is sort of a moving target. Too little talking and you look like the guy who jerks off to Disney movies. Too much talking and you look like the guy who lives with his mom. Work on it, but never ever practice in a mirror. Two sentences at the most and no more than say eight words in a sentence. You want to look smooth, not spastic.

Just trying to help.

Don’t get dead