Thursday, February 19, 2009

Telemarketers

I know that times are tough, I won’t argue that point one bit. And I know that everyone has to make a living. But stop trying to do it at my expense!

Look, I know that you are trying to feed your five hungry kids and the twins need special shoes so that they can walk to school, up hill both ways none the less. But trust me when I tell you that I got nothing that will help you and that you would do better trying to get someone else to buy what ever it is you are selling. Because all I am going to do is waste your time.

Like for instance, one time I was home and the phone rings, like a moron I answered it. I know, what was I thinking?! To my EXTREME joy it was a telemarketer. Now typically I would just hang up. But this time, was different. This time was special! I felt like screwing with someone. It must have been fate!

So I answer in the typical fashion of, “What?” (I got tired of using, “Commissioner Gordon here”) and the voice on the other end calls my name in this really cheery voice like he is glad to talk to me again. Knowing right away that this is no one who knows me, I let him continue with his little speech. He goes on and on about meeting new and exciting people and blah, blah, blah… I am sure he was saying something really meaningful but I was too busy scratching with the phone receiver. Anyway, he reveals that this is for the most popular dating service in the metroplex (didn’t see that coming with all of the talk of meeting new and exciting singles) and then he asks me, “So what do you think?” Well hell, I had to find out if I could do this! I mean who would want to pass up an opportunity like that! So I asked him to hang on a minute while I asked my wife if I could join. I hear him call me an asshole and hang up. Sorry dude, you’re the dumbass who called me and never asked if I was married. Good luck with your sales.

But my favorite of all time has to be this one time (at band camp, sorry I had to) a telemarketer called me trying to sell me the news paper. Over and over again I kept telling him that I wasn’t interested. And I was trying to be nice about it because the guy sounded desperate. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He just kept on and on. So finally I told him that I had to tell him something and that I was a war vet and that I lost both of my arms in the war and that’s why I didn’t want a subscription to the paper.

Anyone want to guess what he says then? Glad you asked, he says “Well what about the weekend edition?” No shit, he really said that after I told him that I don’t have arms.

But I was proud of myself, instead of telling him what a tool he was I simply left it at “Yeah, my arms grow back on the weekends, sign me up!”. I don’t know why but he hung up on me.

Don’t get dead

4 comments:

none said...

My Grandma used to answe the phone for telemarketers before she got caller ID. The'd ask for the adult of the house, her, or somthing to that effect. She'd say she was really busy and ask kindly for their number to call them back when she had the chance. (they usually can't give out their number) when they'd give her an excuse as to why they can't, she'd ask them for their home number. They usually gave her some lame excuse about it being a business matter. Then she'd tear into them about this being her place of residence and if it was a business matter than they should have cotacted her at her place of business.

She actually made some man cry!

It's effective thats for sure!!!

kimberkara said...

I am happy to report that since I canceled my home phone I have not talked to a solicitor at home, and my assistant at work screens my calls only rarely letting one get by her. Now, if only I could get the assholes that I have to call at work stop trying to sell me crap I don't want. I will call AT&T to suspend a work phone for instance and I will spend 10 minutes telling them no, I don't want to re-up, Yes that is our address, no, I am not interested in special text rates, yes Michigan is cold (are we friends? STFU), yes you have been helpful... shut the fuck up and do what I tell you to do so I can get back to surfing the internet!!!!

Booya said...

Heidi - Good for her!

Kimber - No home phone? You don't like to screw with them? I can't wait for the next one to call, I am going to tell them that I am being held hostage and that I need them to help me get free. :)

Andrea said...

My Grandpa used to tell them that he was dead! LOL
He would also say things like "No, that son of a bitch ran away with the maid!" or something equally a line of BS. Fantastic.
You've inspired me to fuck with the next one that calls me. Shall I ask them to hold on and never come back, or should I keep saying "WHAT?" when they say something. LOL
Thanks.

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