Telemarketers

I know that times are tough, I won’t argue that point one bit. And I know that everyone has to make a living. But stop trying to do it at my expense!

Look, I know that you are trying to feed your five hungry kids and the twins need special shoes so that they can walk to school, up hill both ways none the less. But trust me when I tell you that I got nothing that will help you and that you would do better trying to get someone else to buy what ever it is you are selling. Because all I am going to do is waste your time.

Like for instance, one time I was home and the phone rings, like a moron I answered it. I know, what was I thinking?! To my EXTREME joy it was a telemarketer. Now typically I would just hang up. But this time, was different. This time was special! I felt like screwing with someone. It must have been fate!

So I answer in the typical fashion of, “What?” (I got tired of using, “Commissioner Gordon here”) and the voice on the other end calls my name in this really cheery voice like he is glad to talk to me again. Knowing right away that this is no one who knows me, I let him continue with his little speech. He goes on and on about meeting new and exciting people and blah, blah, blah… I am sure he was saying something really meaningful but I was too busy scratching with the phone receiver. Anyway, he reveals that this is for the most popular dating service in the metroplex (didn’t see that coming with all of the talk of meeting new and exciting singles) and then he asks me, “So what do you think?” Well hell, I had to find out if I could do this! I mean who would want to pass up an opportunity like that! So I asked him to hang on a minute while I asked my wife if I could join. I hear him call me an asshole and hang up. Sorry dude, you’re the dumbass who called me and never asked if I was married. Good luck with your sales.

But my favorite of all time has to be this one time (at band camp, sorry I had to) a telemarketer called me trying to sell me the news paper. Over and over again I kept telling him that I wasn’t interested. And I was trying to be nice about it because the guy sounded desperate. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He just kept on and on. So finally I told him that I had to tell him something and that I was a war vet and that I lost both of my arms in the war and that’s why I didn’t want a subscription to the paper.

Anyone want to guess what he says then? Glad you asked, he says “Well what about the weekend edition?” No shit, he really said that after I told him that I don’t have arms.

But I was proud of myself, instead of telling him what a tool he was I simply left it at “Yeah, my arms grow back on the weekends, sign me up!”. I don’t know why but he hung up on me.

Don’t get dead