The worst diet ever!

Earlier today I got a wild hair to check and see what was in my e-mails spam folder. I am sure that I am not alone in getting some of the weirdest stuff as spam. There are always credit report offers, you won some contest (that you didn’t sign up for), free gold, lost loved ones looking for you, prescription medicines on-line, work from home and of course penis enlarger e-mails. But today one jumped out at me because it was a bit different.

It was similar to several other spam e-mails that I have seen but was just a bit different. The subject of the e-mail was “SHED Up To 20LBS: FREE Trail” which seems like a pretty good deal right? I mean it would be nice to drop up to 20 pounds and if I didn’t and it didn’t cost me anything all the better! But there was something, something else that just seemed odd about this one. Oh, I see it now, the sender. Right there under the “From” column was who was sending me the very prestigious offer, it was from “COLON CURE!” I shit you not (pun intended).

So let’s think about this. Someone who is concerned about problems with my colon is also going to help me drop up to 20 pounds. I wonder what the connection is.

I mean I would like to drop 20 pounds. It is swimsuit season after all. So I HAD to open the e-mail!! What wonder of modern science was waiting for me in this e-mail!?

The first thing you see is this EXTREMELY happy looking couple with great big smiles on their face, wonder why they are so happy? Well what do you know? It is a pill that will help me “cleanse” my colon. No wonder they are so happy.

Let’s think about this shall we. If there is 20 pounds of shit in your colon and this wonder pill is going to help you rid yourself of it, one would imagine that you are going to spend a LOT of time on the toilet. So it wont matter what size those jeans are if they are going to be around your ankles all summer. Hell, I can wear a 25 inch waistband if they won’t get above my knees.

And if you have 20 pounds of crap in your colon, YOUR COLON, wouldn’t you have some sort of deformity or a hump on your side or something? I mean I don’t know exactly how big a normal colon is but I know how big 20 pounds of shit is and I am willing to bet I don’t have ANY organs that big!

And even if you don’t have the 20 pounds in your colon I guess I can see how you could loose up to 20 pounds as you will be RUNNING to the bathroom every few minutes while trying to lead a normal life. Start some laundry and trot your happy ass to the bathroom, come out, check some e-mail, jog back to the toilet, turn on the TV, SPRINT back to the can. A treadmill has nothing on this.

But there is more, the product is free. All I would have to do is to pay $3.95 for shipping and handling. This has got to be too good to be true! How in the world could someone GIVE AWAY this wonderful product? My guess is that it is made by the Charmin people or something. Seems like they would have a vested interest in getting this product out to the masses.

But I can’t leave off the attention getting graphics on the right side of this e-mail. From the top down they are read “Satisfaction Guaranteed or your Money Back!”. First off, you said it was a free trial, you going to send me my whopping $3.95 back for shipping? And secondly, I don’t think I would want to speak to anyone who had violated me like that. Keep the four bucks. Then down from that is “Purify, Cleanse, Look Better, Feel Better!”. No! I do not feel better when I am trying to push a side of beef out of my ass. Maybe after said side of beef has passed I will feel better but that would require surgery and pain killers. And who looks better after that? How bad do you look now that you will look “better” after you have just crapped a wombat? I think they mean you will look tired. But if this wasn’t enough, at the bottom there was a graphic that reads “New Year! New You! Get a flatter tummy and a cleaner, healthier body!”. New year? Bitch it’s the middle of June, you are just about as far away from a new year as you can get. Marketing geniuses I tell ya. And flatter tummy, how about concave tummy.

Don’t get dead