Vegas Baby!

Our little vacation group decided that we wanted to go to Vegas a few years back for our summer vacation. The week of the Fourth of July to be exact. So we go and book our rooms and rental car, buy plane tickets and all of that good stuff. When the trip finally got there we all somehow ended up in Dallas at the same time so we all went to the airport together and were on the same flight out. We go through the whole deal at the airport, check our bags and wait for our flight. So far so good. Damnit, I bet I just did it again. So the plane gets there and there is hardly anyone getting off so we get to board rather quickly. Everyone gets on and gets seated. The captain makes the usual announcements and the flight crew does their thing. At this point I go to turn on my vent to get a little air moving because it was getting a bit stuffy in the plane. Where is the vent? Hmm, not on the ceiling, not in my pocket, wonder where it is. Oh that’s right this ancient plane didn’t have vents. Not like they didn’t work, there were none. So it is July in Dallas, going to Nevada with no vent. I didn’t know we booked a flight on Stinky Airlines. Fortunately, since it was a morning flight it didn’t get too bad. But I am guessing that plane must get ripe about 4 in the afternoon.

So we land in Vegas, get our baggage and make our way to the car rental place. I notice about two or three people ahead of us is a lady with three single digit aged children. When it is her turn at the desk she gives them all of her information and after a reasonable amount of time she is done and they tell her that her car is being pulled up front for her. Right about the time we get to the desk the lady comes back in and politely ask if she can speak to the rental agent for a second. Since she was nice about it and had three young children with her, I had no problem letting her go ahead of me. She politely tells the desk agent that she is going to need another car and that there is something wrong with the back seat of the one she got. The desk agent got an attitude with her and says “all of these people want their cars too” and motions to the line with her hand. This would be when the lady spoke up and said “You don’t understand, there is a jagged piece of metal sticking through the seat and into my sons back. I suggest you get me a different car now or I can call your corporate office and let them know about you and your service, what do you think about that?!” I don’t even know that woman but she made a tear come to my eye, I am so proud of her. She gets her car and shortly afterwards we get our car and are on our way.

It is about ten in the morning on a Sunday morning and we are on the strip making our way to the hotels when this woman who is way past hammered falls INTO traffic in front of us. I knew there was a lot of magic in Vegas but I am so glad I didn’t see the trick where this woman’s head gets turned into a pancake.

We drop off our friends and make our way to our hotel where a bellhop grabs our bags out of the trunk and a valet parks the car. Man I love Vegas. We get to the desk to check in when the girl behind the counter lets us know that our room is not ready yet. I was a little pissed but it was not a big deal. I asked her how long did she think it would be and she told me that they were cleaning it now and it might be twenty to thirty minutes. She also mentions that we could go check out the shops or the casinos. I ask her what are we supposed to do with our bags and she tells us that we can keep them in their secure room until our room is ready. Well off to the casino we go! About forty-five minutes later we come back to the desk and find out that the room isn’t ready yet. Back to shopping and the casino we go. After about thirty more minutes we go back to the desk and find out that the damn room still isn’t ready. Ok, this is BS. We go exploring some more and get back to the desk about a half hour later and the room still isn’t ready. This is when I asked them how long does it take to clean a room. This is when they realized that I had been there about two hours trying to check in. Well our room wasn’t ready but one of the upgraded suites was. Free upgrade, nice.

We get into our room and I call my buddy to see if they wanted to hit the strip. When we met up with them my buddies wife asked how our room was and we told them our little story and then we asked about theirs. My buddies wife shoots him a look so I know this is going to be good. She tells us that when they got into their room that it smelled like body order. So she tells my friend to go tell the front desk and see what they can do about it. He goes to the front desk and tells them that their room stinks and then heads to the casino for a drink. While he is gone the wife decides to take a bath. During her nice relaxing bath she hears the door to the room open and close. After a couple of seconds she calls out her husbands name, a few seconds later she hears the door open and close again. Again she calls out her husbands name and gets no response. She tells us that then she gets out of the bath, puts on a robe and heads out into the room to find that there was no one there. But she did notice that the room now smelled like someone walked around in the room spraying a bottle of Dakar cologne. Shortly after this my buddy gets back to his hotel room. His wife ask him if he came in and left again, to which he answers no then she ask him what the desk clerk said and he said “nothing”. He told her that the desk clerk said that they would send someone up to check it out. Of course she is pissed because he didn’t say anything to her about it and he don’t get why she is pissed.

The next day we all branch off into our own little groups and do our own thing during the day and meet up for a nice diner at night. Since we were there in July it was hot, dry hot or not, it was freaking hot. I believe it was 115 that day. There was even a news report where people were passing out while waiting in line to get into the Hoover Dam. So as we are going from hotel to hotel we develop quite a thirst. J Since I was doing the driving I had no alcohol and since my then girlfriend (now wife) was on vacation and I was driving she was getting her drink on. Long story, short version, in the course of the afternoon she has four forty-eight ounce mixed drinks. We get to diner and she is still conscious, woohoo! After we finish our meal the wives decide to go back to their rooms but the fellas wanted to ramble. So we take off and the girls go back to their rooms. We are just going from casino to casino. While we are in one casino my buddy is looking around like he is looking for someone, well he was. A waitress. He spots one and moves over to a slot machine that appears to be in her path. He sits down just about the time she is near and ask if he wants anything to drink. Of course he replies with “Yes” and give her is order. No sooner had she walked away that he stands up. A couple of minutes later he sits back down and the waitress brings him his drink. He takes a sip and says “thirty-five cents”. To which I reply with “what?” again he says “thirty-five cents, that’s how much this drink cost me”. Dude you really should be ashamed.

Several hours later, around four in the morning, we all come strolling back to our rooms where I find my wife, asleep in bed, well half of her was. She tried to get a bath when the booze kicked in and she could no longer stand. So she crawls to the bed and gets most of her torso onto the bed.

The next day comes and we are all hanging out doing our own thing. Later that night we are going into downtown Vegas to the Golden Nugget to see the Amazing Jonathan. That show was awesome! Totally worth it, if you get a chance go see him.

Day four and it is the same routine, we go and check out different things in the city, went to the dessert, gamble, shop and so on. That night we were going to eat at Emeril’s NOLA Steakhouse. Fantastic meal and we were served by the captain of the restaurant. That really was a nice treat. After that meal we go over to see Siegfried and Roy. I was a bit let down because the show started out really gay. Not that kind of gay, cheesy gay. Like one of their tricks they put a tiger in a cage, cover the cage with a cloth and from the other end of the stage they point at the cage. When the cloth drops the tiger is gone. How much did I pay for this bullshit? Anyway, after a while the show gets better, but the funny thing was when you order a drink from the waitress, they bring you two at a time. I am sure this is to save time and to keep from disturbing everyone going up and down the isles and so on. During the show, one of my buddies and his wife are sitting across the table from us. When the house lights come up after the show I see a Corona, a full Corona with the lime still in the top of the bottle at that. I jokingly motion to my buddy and say “free beer”. He does this yawn/stretch move and snatches the beer off of the table. I give him credit for the move when he begins to drink it. I don’t know what came over me but I busted out with “Dude! That guy could have been rubbing his pecker on that bottle!” Without missing a beat he says “Pecker taste gooooood”. Yeah, it took him a while to live that down.

Later that night, the better half and I decided to catch a show at like three o’clock in the morning, simply because you can do that in Vegas. On a recommendation from my now Mother-In-Law we went to see a synchronized swimming show called “Splash”. So we go to check it out. Time to set the scene for you, there is my girlfriend and myself and about 200 asian men in overcoats, in Vegas, in July. No other women there, hmmm, should this strike me as odd? NAH! So we get seated in what appears to have been the orchestra pit at one time. You know like right up front where the band would sit kind of thing. WTF? How am I going to be able to see a swimming show from this close up? Since we are in the pit there is this walk-way around us. For us to get to our seats they have to open this drawbridge thing on the walkway. Well I hope I don’t have to pee or anything since I am locked in now. So after a few minutes of sitting there confused, they start the show. It starts like a variety show with jugglers, a contortionist, a comic, and so on. Even had ice skaters. Where is the pool? I don’t get it, are they going to bring out a tank or something? Then comes the announcer, “Ladies (ladies? like plural?) and gentlemen , Splash After Dark proudly presents the Splash After Dark dancers”. Ahhh, they call them dancers, ok. Surely we are about to see the swimming. I don’t know why but for some reason I am hell-bent on seeing this show. Then I notice right behind the curtain is a row of showgirls with the big headdresses on. How are they going to swim in those? Then I notice they are topless. My mother-in-law rocks! LOL I turned to my girlfriend and say “I think we are at the wrong show” and motion to the girls. Right about this time the first girl in line reaches up and give her nipples are real nice hard pinch. Well, at least we know we are getting a top quality show. At this point I can’t WAIT to tell my mother in law about the show that she recommended. After boobapoloosa as we were leaving the hotel I asked the lady at the box office about the swimming show and she tells me that after nine o’clock Splash is a completely different show. Ya think!?

During the day on day six we do our thing. That night we are off to see Wayne Newton. Oh yeah, old school Vegas baby! Too bad Tom Jones wasn’t in town or we would have had the trifecta. The show was good but he really drove home that he was native American. He just happened to have mentioned it about 18,374,296 times. Wayne, we got it buddy, ok, we got it. But the best part of the whole show was right before the show was over my buddy spills a full beer … right in his lap. I don’t know what was funnier, that he spilled it and was pissed because it was a full beer or because it look like he wet his pants. The greatest part is that there was no hiding it. So as we were leaving the theater, and being the smart ass that I am, I announce “Wow, you really enjoyed the show huh!” Which of course draws attention to him. Ahh, sweet payback for just a small portion of stuff he has done to me.

So we all go back to their hotel, let them change close and then to our hotel so that we could change clothes and hit our casino for a bit. Me and my boy get tired of waiting and just tell the girls that we will meet them downstairs in the casino and head to the elevators. As we are getting off of the elevator and making our way to the casino we see this woman walking towards the elevators. Right after we pass her my buddy says “dude, hooker”. No kidding monkey brains. What was your first clue? Was it the perfume that you could smell before we could see her, or was it crystal clear F me pumps, or quite possibly was it the wink she gave us, or maybe the see thru mini dress? Any of that stuff tip you off? Ray Charles could see that she was a hooker.

Some times I worry about that boy.