This place has atmosphere like a mofo!

Over the weekend I was making some fried rice and as I am standing in the kitchen listening to the oil in the wok sizzle and cutting up some food I was reminded of something.

Years back I lived in the Washington D.C. area. One day my roommate and I where going to a local 7-11 store to pick up some frosty cool beverages to toast a Friday night with. This particular 7-11 was in one of those strip centers and right next to it was a Chinese food restaurant named “The Myoung Dong Café”, I shit you not. Regardless of how it is spelled, to me, that reads my young dong. So as we are getting out of the car to go into the 7-11 the doors of the restaurant come flying open and two women literally come rolling out of the doors each with a handful of the others hair. It looked like something out of a movie, it was just too perfect. So of course we stopped to watch. After bitchslap-o-paloosa was over my roommate and I decided that we had to check this place out sometime. Come on, who could pass up something like that!

A couple of weeks or so later we went in on a Saturday to have lunch and after we got seated we started making small talk with the hostess. During which we mentioned the fight we saw. To make a long story a bit shorter it turns out that fights on the weekends at this place are fairly common. Talk about great advertising! Food and entertainment at any given moment, hell yeah we told our friends about this place. But anyway, back to the story. So while talking with the hostess she tells us that it is a family owned, run and staffed place which sometimes is catalyst for some of the fights and so on, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends and so on come up to make a scene. She continues and points out her relatives and tells us that only a couple of people, mainly busboys where not family. So her mom and dad run the register, her cousins and an older brother are the cooks (who you could see through these big windows in the kitchen), brothers and sisters and an aunt or uncle or two are the other wait staff and so on.

A short while later our waiter brings us our menus, takes our drink orders and pours us some hot tea. The roommate and I start to shoot the breeze and check out the place. There was a bar in the back, the cooks are chopping up meat and people are coming and going and so on. All of which sort of faded into the back ground as we began to look at our menus. But I do recall the fait sound of the cooks cutting up meat in the back ground, it sounded like the drum line for Guns N Roses’ “Paradise City”. You could hear it, boom, chop, boom chop, boom, chop, boom chop over and over again. Then it happened.

The next thing I hear is this loud primal grunt followed by some barking and more grunting. Remember earlier I told you about the family who worked in the place and how you could see the cooks through the windows? Well what our hostess didn’t tell us about was her cousin who is a cook also has Turrets Syndrome.

He let loose with all sorts of noises, my roommate and I looked at each other with silver dollar eyes, decided that it was time to bounce and hauled ass. I had to have the biggest “oh shit” expression on my face and I’m not sure but I might have actually said “feet don’t fail me now”.

Now I am by no way making fun of anyone with this illness but you either have to let people know that ahead of time or don’t let him cook or something. Look, I am from a small town where the rumor mill runs wild and people believe EVRYTHING. And it just so happens that the first Chinese food restaurant in my home town happened to be back door to back door from one of the oldest vets in town, I’m just saying. Rumors get around.

Later we found out that they moved him into the kitchen because he had an episode where he barked at a couple of women while taking their order.

Every weekend that place was packed with all of our friends.

Don’t get dead

Tim and the cat

Maybe it’s the meds or maybe it’s stress but either way something reminded me of something that happened when I lived in Virginia that I thought I would share.

At one point I had a roommate named Tim who was pretty cool. Tim owned this condo and I rented a room from him and we got to be pretty good friends. At some point during the time that I lived with him he was asked to cat-sit for about a week or so for a co-worker. Since it was Tim’s place the liter box was in the guest bathroom, the one that I used. And since we all know that cat shit smells oh so good, I really tried to keep the liter box clean.

Now another part of this story that comes into play is that I worked a lot closer to the condo than Tim did. During the first couple of days while we were cat-sitting I happened to beat Tim home and if there were turds in the litter box, I would flush them. So one day I am watching TV in the living room and Tim goes into the guest bathroom and comes right back out and says, “Man, this cat hasn’t taken a crap since it has been here”. So yeah, I had to screw with him.

I made sure that I beat him home the rest of the time that we were cat-sitting and I would clean out the litter box if there was anything in it. I didn’t know it but the next day Tim had taken the cat to the vet and the vet had prescribed some cat laxatives for the cat. And they were … effective! This cat was crapping its brains out. So for the next couple of days I am scooping up after this cat and secretly replacing the cat litter and Tim never notices.

The day before the cat is supposed to go back to its owner I made sure to beat Tim home and clean up all of the crap out of the litter box and then I decided to really screw with Tim. I had a really big lunch and was holding everything in until I got home. So now I have a nice freshly cleaned litter box and a full colon. This is when I decided to put my own little gift in the litter box. So I do my business in the litter box, scatter some litter on it and run back to my car in the parking lot and wait for Tim to pull in.

When I see Tim pull into the parking lot I get out of my car like I had just gotten home. Then I walk over and shoot the breeze with him and we walk into the condo together. We set out stuff down and I was just waiting for Tim to go check the litter box. Within a few minutes Tim goes into the guest bathroom and I hear, “HOLY SHIT! KITTY!” and he comes running out of the bathroom and into the living room where the cat was. Scoops up the cat, lifts its tail and begins to examine the cat’s ass.

I couldn’t hold in my laughter but Tim had this totally confused look on his face. I had to tell him what had happened because he didn’t get it at first. But damn it was funny seeing the look on his face thinking that this little cat had shit out this big man turd

Oh and there was no harm done to the cat.

Don’t get dead

Looking back – Chapter 15

Every now and then I remember something from my life that I feel the need to write about, put on the web and embarrass myself about in front of the world. This would be one of those times.

With Halloween right around the corner and we are decorating the offices some co-workers and I were discussing what to dress up as that goes with our theme. I don’t know if I have ADD or something but I started to laugh a little bit to myself. And if you read here you will see that sometimes I get the giggles at the wrong time.

Of course people wanted to know what I was laughing about and I told them that it just reminded me of something and that it wasn’t really related. Well these people work with me so they know I got stories, so I had to tell this one. Although it doesn’t relate to Halloween, Christmas actually, it does relate to dressing up.

Several years ago I lived in Virginia and I met and ran with a pretty crazy bunch, read about it HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE. This time was no different.

Let me set the scene for you, four guys (myself, Drew, Winters and Phil) who can’t get home for Christmas who decided to meet at Winters house in VERY rural Virginia. The reason we were not able to get to our home towns was mostly money. Since we had saved money but didn’t save enough, you have four young adult guys with a decent load of cash and nothing to do, so yeah we got pretty drunk. Now we are drunk and bored, not good, not good at all.

We decided that we would go spread some Christmas cheer to the other townspeople. But not without the proper attire, so we raided Winters moms closet. (Side note, Winters family is all in California, which is where his mom was at this time) I don’t recall exactly who had what on but between the four of us there was a rain hat like the Morton salt guy, someone else had on the rain coat, a big cotton bath robe, some wild hats and various other items. I do remember that I had on some sort of silky robe and a beret or something like that. Oh and Phil had on some sort of house shoes shaped like ducks. Big ass yellow rubber ducks.

So we all loaded into my car, MY CAR, MY DAMN CAR, and head off to a neighboring town. As we are rolling down one street Drew yells out “STOP!” Now I have no idea what for so I stopped pretty quickly. Genius boy hops out of the car and runs into someone’s front yard toward a string of lights which were adorning the top of a fence. About half way through the sprint, Drew does an about face and DIVES back in the car yelling, “GO GO GO!!!” So I stood on the gas to get out of there. We all asked as the same time, “what happened?!” He tells us that he wanted to see if it was true that if you pulled one light out the whole string would go out, so that’s why he hoped out but he said he heard a man say “Oh no you don’t!” followed by the sound of a pump shotgun cock.

Once we are safely away we all got a chuckle out of it and we are still riding through town. It would be just about the time that our blood pressure had gotten back to normal levels that we pass THE ONLY FUCKING SHERRIF CAR ON DUTY that night when one of the guys says it looked like it was on the CB and pointing at our car. We joked that he was saying, “Hey, there goes a (my color and make of car) right there”. Well I will be dammed if that isn’t what he was saying because he bird-dogged our asses so quick we had no idea what was going on. It had to look like someone was getting it on as we are shedding our incognito attire and cramming beers any and everywhere we could find. Just about the time that we pull off our “costumes” we hear the sheriff over his PA system say, “You two in the front seats, get out of the car” so Drew and I get out and they separate us and ask us what was going on.

I am with the sheriff and he doesn’t look real happy while Drew is with a deputy. The only thing that kept going through my mind was “don’t get a DUI on Christmas in this godforsaken town out in the middle of nowhere”. I am sure that the dueling banjos scene from “Deliverance” was playing too. The sheriff asked me what we were up to and I told him everything, hell I would have given him a reach around if I thought it would keep me from going to jail that night. So I tell my story and then they open the back doors of their car and tell us to get in, OH FUCK ME! So there we are in the back seat when the sheriff asks Drew what we were up to and he starts to lay on some BS about one of the guys in the back seat farted and how it was making him sick, which is why he jumped out of the car. In about a half second I had to decide if I was going to choke this asshole in the back seat of a sheriff’s car or if I was going to have to set the story straight. Fortunately, I chose the second one. The whole time making promises to God if he would keep me out of jail. So Drew and I are exchanging dirty looks while the sheriff and the deputy are taking down our information.

Shortly there after, they get out of the car and opened the doors to the back seat and told us to step out. After we got out they told us to stay there and the sheriff gets on the PA again and tells the two in the back seat to get out.

Now you would have thought that in the SEVERAL minutes that had passed while Drew and I were being questioned that the two jackasses in the backseat would have gotten their collective shit together, WRONG!

I am standing next to the sheriff by the drives door and Drew is standing next to the deputy on the passenger door of their cruiser. Winters and Phil get out of the car and Phil is still wearing the duck slippers. I look over and the cops have saucer eyes and raised eyebrows. It was at this time that I had an involuntary reaction, I blurted out, “OH FUCK ME!” I thought that I was home free and then dildo Phil, Phildo, is wearing the damn duck slippers still.

The sheriff motions them over and the six of us have a little pow-wow, where at one point the sheriff says, “It appears to me that you boys might have been doing a little drinking tonight” which Phildo follows up with, “no shit”. Thanks jack ass, I hope Bubba picks you to be his Christmas bitch while we are in jail. After a lecture in the freezing we had a conversation that went like this.

Sheriff – “Why don’t you boys go ahead and follow the sun out of town.”

Phildo – “But it is night time”

Me – “Shut the fuck up Phil!”

Phildo – “Well it is!”

Me – “PHIL, SHUT UP!”

Phildo – “But dude, it is dark out, see (pointing to the sky)”

Me – “Get in the fucking car. I will explain it to you later”

Sherrif – “Good idea”

So we walk off towards my car when Phil says, “Hey, I think we just got kicked out of this town!” which was followed by a collective “SHUT UP PHIL!”

I will have to save what happened on Christmas day until a little closer to Christmas.

Don’t get dead

Looking back, what chapter or we on now? I think I lost place or skipped some ... anyway

The alter

Remember my stories about my friends in Virginia? Here is one I almost forgot.
It is back to southern Virginia we go. Why? Because it is the weekend, so it must be time to party.

We have one of our typical packed house Friday night parties along with way to much booze. Saturday morning we wake up around the crack of noon and pretty much come and go as we need during the day.

For some unknown reason I just felt like hanging out at my buddy’s house. And since he has always let me crash with him with no problems I thought I would do something nice for him and clean up his yard. It was a nice day, I think everyone has gone to do something and I didn’t just want to sit there.

So I go outside, start to pick up the big trash and put it in the trash can and clean up broken limbs off of trees and stuff like that. You get the picture.

For some reason I just looked up and took a look at the front of the house. And I see one spot where it looks like it has been egged or something over and over again. But nowhere else, just this one spot. Then I notice that there is a window right above the spot with no screen in it. What the hell?

So I go inside and make my way up to that room. I go over to the window and see that the screen is inside the house on the floor, there are several partially full glasses of water scattered on the floor near the window, and all of these pillows are stacked up on the floor in front of the window. What the hell?

The window was open so I leaned out and oh damn, this shit reeks! I close the window and go back downstairs and out to the front yard, get the water hose and try to hose this crap off the house.

Not to bad, it looks a little discolored still but much better than before. I put the water hose back up and don’t think anything else about it. Then I finish picking up the beer cans and empty ice bags and so on.

That night rolls around and we end up having another get together, shocking I know. During that party the guy who owns the house comes over to me while I am talking to this chic and says “hey, thanks for cleaning up the alter” to which I replied “yeah, no problem. Wait, what alter?” He says “You know, the alter, upstairs, but it is going to need it again tomorrow”. He then tells me that he has already cleaned up the inside because he didn’t know that the window was closed. Still not getting it I say “Alter? Alter to what?” He says “I don’t know, but that’s what I call it because I do a lot of praying up there at night when I am throwing up after drinking too much.

Lovely.

Sad Day

Jose and I had a friend from Honduras named Pablo. Pablo was a good dude who worked very hard to help support his mom and two sisters.

One day Jose and I were getting some beer on our way to a party. Jose goes into the store to get the beer while I was waiting in the car. He comes out of the store with this weird look on his face. I asked him was everything ok. In a somber voice he tells me that Pablo killed himself. "In the store!?" I replied. Jose says "No dumbass, last night" so I asked him how did he know. He said that our friend Chris was in the store and told him about it. He said that the saddest part was that Pablo only had $.75 to his name and since he couldn't read or write English very well his suicide note read "M - $.25 S1- $.25 S2 - $.25" meaning that he split his last money between his mom and his two sisters.

After a few minutes of disbelief I asked Jose if he knew how he did it. He chuckles and says that he that he ended up finally shooting himself. "Why are you laughing and what do you mean finally?" I asked. Jose says they found him on his bed with the gun still in his hand but the strange thing was that there were bumps all over his head. Then they found a slingshot and some rocks on the floor.

We busted out laughing our asses off. I mean that's a pretty damn funny picture. I can just see him sitting there with the slingshot up to his head with the rubber band part fully extended with a rock in it. Then WHAM! right into the head. Followed up by "This shit hurts man, give me the gun!" in his Hispanic accent. We felt like shit for joking about it and come to find out that Chris was just messing with Jose.

Jalapeno eating contest

Being from El Salvador, Jose is no stranger to eating spicy foods. One Cinco de Mayo we were at a Chi Chi's restaurant when they announced that they were going to have a jalapeno eating contest and the first place prize was a cruise for two. Jose entered the contest thinking that if he won, he could give the trip to his brother so that he would not have to pay to get his car fixed when he wrecked it. Pretty smart idea if you ask me.

So Jose enters and is eating peppers like we would eat potato chips. Round by round Jose is finding creative ways to eat them. One time he throws his head back, holds the pepper straight up at arms length slowly lowering it into his mouth. One round he throws one up in the air and catches it in his mouth. One round he eats one like Pac-Man and so on. Of course we were all drinking so even if they were hot he would be to drunk to care.

Eventually it gets down to Jose and one other dude and the other dude just quits. We can and can't believe that he won all at the same time. So Jose gets the cruise tickets and we get to thinking about this. You know he could really rack up if we planned this out. We could hit at least two or three bars depending on what time they are holding the contest and where they are located.

So the next Cinco de Mayo rolls around when Jose tells us that he has a secret weapon. He says that his sister's baby was teething a few weeks back and she was giving the baby Ora-Gel. So he thought he would put some on his tongue to combat the hot from the peppers because he was going to hit as many of these contest as he could. You know that sounds like a pretty good idea. So he puts the Ora-Gel on his tongue and we go into the restaurant.

Jose is standing up there with this humongous grin on his face. Round One! One pepper down and we get the thumbs up from Jose. Round two and Jose gets his pepper down but something is not right. Round three comes and Jose starts coughing, spits out the pepper and then slams a beer.

What?! Knocked out in the third round?! How did that happen? Oh, you know when you are eating that you will SWALLOW right after you chew. And if your tongue is COATED with a topical numbing agent you will swallow it and it will make the muscles in your throat numb, temporally paralyzing them, in turn causing you to choke on what ever you are trying to swallow.

The bad part is that we were drinking and cheering him on, just thinking he was being silly while he was chocking. Or as Jose put it "I was chocking to death and you bitches were laughing at me"

Can’t get there from here

One night I get a call from my friend Jose where he franticly is saying "Sweezey, I can't get home, I can't get home!"

I ask him "What do you mean you can't get home? Are you stuck somewhere? Are you trapped? Are you lost?"

He just keeps telling me "I can't get home Sweezey, I can't get home!"

So I keep asking him "What do you mean you can't get home? Where are you?" I am starting to get worried because he sounds panicked.

Again he says "I can't get to my apartment."

So I ask him "Are you in your car?" He says "Yes". I ask him if he is driving and he says "Yes". I then say "So you are lost?" and he said "no, I am near my apartment building". So I tell him that I don't understand why he can't get home then. He then tells me that he is driving in his car and he can see his apartment building but he can't get to it.

Wait a minute, you called me at 3am to tell me that you can see you apartment building but you just can't drive to it? What the fuck is wrong with you?

So I tell him "here is an idea dumbass, park your car and walk to your building".

Note to self: Just don't let Jose drive.

No Way Jose

As I have stated before, Jose is not used to the American way of doing things. He never had a car until he was brought to the U.S. Needless to say, his car was always torn up.

So he calls me one Saturday afternoon to see if I wanted to go hit some clubs that night, which of course I did and then he ask if I could pick him up. No problem. I roll over to his apartment and see his car and his brother's car was wrecked with some front end damage. I asked him what happened to his brother's car and he tells me "I wrecked it".

Even though I knew it was a bad idea at the time, I could not stop myself from asking "How did you wreck it?" He tells me that he was changing the radio station when he looked up and hit a bridge guard rail. I tell him that he should have called me because I could have saved him the towing charge. Then he tells me that he didn't have it towed. I knew that I should have just left it at that, but noooo, I had to inquire about it more. "What do you mean you didn't have it towed? The hood is stuck damn near straight up, the radiator is busted, and one of the front struts is either bent or broken. You didn't just leave it there for your brother to have towed did you?" He tells me no and that he drove it home. I say "What? How in the hell did you drive it home?" He tells me that he was tired and far from home so he just drove it like it was. He didn't even get out of the car. So I asked "How did you drive it with the hood up like that?" He tells me that he just backed up and then drove for a while looking through the space between the bottom of the hood and the dash until the smoke got so thick that he had to drive with his head hanging out of the window, like a dog. Said that he got the idea from Ace Ventura.

You have got to be kidding me.

Good Guys

I have a friend from El Salvador whose family was rescued by the Red Cross and is very proud to be in the states. But growing up in El Salvador he is not accustom to some of the things we are. One nigh while some friends, Jose and myself were out clubbing in Washington we jokingly started talking about going to a strip bar. Jose, who is always up for a good time and loves the girls, tells us that he has never been to one. Well now we must go! So we head to mid-town to a place called "Good Guys". I had not been to this place before but knew it had a reputation of being very popular and that it was totally nude.

We get there, park, and head to the door, get carded and welcomed in. No cover charge, sweet. We get in the club and head to the bar to get a beer and scout the place for an open table. There was more silicone in there than the Home Depot, which is fine with me. I order a beer and lay down a $20 bill. Bartender brings me my beer, but it is in a can, oh well. Then I look down where I had laid the $20 bill and see a $5 bill and five $1 bills. I nonchalantly look around to see if some of my change might have fallen off the bar, nope. I ask the bartender how much was the beer and he tells me "ten bucks". Ten bucks for a Miller Lite in a can?! Fuck that! Then he tells me that there is a two drink minimum. I wish I had known that before hand. A fella could go broke at these prices.

Anyway, we find a table and make our way over to it. And as usual, girls make there way over to us for chit chat. I look over and Jose is beet red and smiling like a rat eating cheese.

After a while, this one dancer is on the main stage who is very top heavy and Jose is just smitten with her. My boy like boobs, I am so proud of him *tear*. I tell him to go tip her. He asks me "What do I do?" So I tell him to walk up to the stage with your money out, let her dance for you for a minute and she will let you know when to give her the money. He walks over to the stage with this huge grin and since he is the only one at the stage and everyone in the bar could see that he really liked her, she danced in front of him a little longer that she probably would have if there were other guys there. She is dancing and shaking and bouncing then she sits on the stage, puts her legs in the air like she is trying to pick up UHF channels. About this time Jose looks back at the table and he is giggling like a school boy. So she stands up, turns facing away from us, bends over at the waist and shakes her butt at Jose. Jose's head jerks back like he just heard some shocking news when he just holds up the dollar and says "here". She pulls out her garter belt, he sticks the dollar in, and walks back to the table. But now he isn't even smiling. We asked him if he liked it and he said "it's okay". Okay!? How was it just okay?! He says "she winked at me" and we say "and that bothers you?" He then tells us that she didn't wink with her eye. This is when I spit my beer out in an effort to keep it from coming out of my nose. Oh, that's why his head jerked back. Poor guy.

Looking back, chapter 4

Remember the guy that lived in southern Virginia? Outhouse guy? Well we all got to be pretty good friends and we had some hellacious parties. The guy who lived there had a job where he had to drive all over the country in this huge crew cab truck pulling this big ass trailer, but was home on weekends.

This one cold winter weekend when we were down there we had a party where pretty much everyone in this little town under the age of 40 was there. As usually we were getting rowdy. As the night progressed and as people started to head home it ended up being the three of us and these three girls that we hung out with. The six of us are sitting around his kitchen table shooting the breeze and playing cards so bored that the home owner broke a cigar in half, lit each end and stuck the halves in his ears (lit end out), pinches his nose closed to see if he can blow smoke out of his ears. I have pictures of this part. About this time he says "Let's go for a ride." Works for me, lets mount up! We all pile into his work truck when he says "I want to show you what I like to do when I am bored" and we take off down the road. We end up on this street atop of this big ass hill when he says "hang on" and guns it. We start down this hill, reach bottom and then start up this smaller hill. We crest the top of the next hill with him screaming "GO! GO! GO!" Oh my god, we are airborne!

Right after we are land we hear this loud crash and we all lunge forward. Oh man, he forgot to unhook the trailer! Well all of the tires on the trailer are blown out but it looks like everything is still intact. We drag this trailer back to his house, drop it off and we off to jump the truck again. At this point we are giggling like five year olds. I am sure that the booze had something to do with that. We get back on top of the hill again and we take off down the hill again. Warp speed Mr. Sulu! We are going much faster now that we aren't pulling that big trailer.

This time we jump much farther. We do this over and over again. Get to the top of the hill, fly down the hill, land and start over all over again. Giggling the whole way (and drinking).

Let's do it again! "Alright!" we all say. He says "No hands this time". So here we are on top of this hill, the truck is in neutral with the gas pedal on the floor. He dumps it into drive and "here we go!" down the hill. As we start to go up the smaller hill he yells "HANDS UP!!" Let me describe the screen to you. There are six young "adults" in a crew cab truck, all of us with our hands in the air like we are on a roller coaster flying up this hill just as fast as we can possibly go with the driver holding the gas pedal to the floor like he is trying to push it through the floorboard. Each of us holding a beer between our legs and laughing our heads off on a very cold winter night about 4am. We all really do need our heads examined.

So we hit the top of the hill, ZOOM!! We are flying through the air again when the truck starts to lean to the passenger side. BAMM!! We landed hard. I say "Dude, if we are going to do this again we are going to need to swing by the house and get more beer."

We go back to his house to grab some beer and just happen to be on his back porch having a smoke when we see cops cruising the area with their blue lights and search lights on. For some reason we turned off all of the lights in the house and get down on the floor. Why we did this, I have no idea. Like they could see us through the walls or something. But we wanted to see what was going on so we go back to the porch and see the cops stopped in the street and looking at the marks on the road where we were landing.

Looks like a good time to pack it in and call it a night, right? Oh but no, homey with his infinite wisdom says "Let's go, they are gone now" Sorry homes, you are on your own with that one.

Looking back, chapter 3

I have a buddy of mine who was in the Marine Corps while I lived in northern Virginia. Over the years he was stationed in different places and ending up being stationed at Camp Lajune. As fate would have it, he knew a guy who he used to be in the Marines with who lived just about half way between where I lived and Camp Lajune. My buddy thought I could meet this guy and we could have a place for us to party and hang out. My buddy drives up to my place one Friday and we head down to this other guys place in his truck right after work.

Unknown to me, we are taking the "back way". The "back way" took us down some very rural roads. Some VERY RURAL roads. It is the middle of the winter, it is dark and I have no idea where we are. After quite some time of not seeing any signs of civilization, much less electricity, I jokingly say "I didn't know that you could actually drive to the middle of nowhere". My buddy, keying in on my concern of the lack of creature comforts let's me know that he advises going to the can in the day time if you have to take a dump. Since we are going to be there over the weekend, I ask him why. I mean if it was just over night I could hold it. He tells me that the wind at night will chill you to the bone in an out house. Haha, not this time, I am not falling for it.

After what seemed like several more hours of driving we start to see some lights and a little town. And we drove right through it.

I look at my friend and say "Dude, where in the fuck are we going? I am pretty sure we are going to run out of real estate soon." He tells me that we are a little over half way there.

Eventually, we pull into this little town. A town that is so small that it makes my home town look like a major metropolitan city.

As we are making our way to this guy's house my buddy starts messing with me telling me that this guy lives with his mom who is an alcoholic and how she likes younger guys and junk like that. I tell him "That's cool, I like older chicks and if I don't have to work hard to get some, even better" knowing that he is screwing with me. We turn onto the street the guy lives on and my buddy tells me "That is the house right there, beside the church." He pulls into the driveway and I tell him "Take me home", he says what? I say to him "Take me the fuck home!" He ask "Why?" and I point to the free standing carport at the end of the driveway. Sitting tucked back by some boxes is a nice, shiny, white … toilet. I say to him "Dude, that's not even close to an outhouse. There aren't even walls much less a door. You can suck it if you think I am staying here for the weekend. Take me home." I can just picture someone sitting there doing their business when church lets out one Sunday. Now I am starting to wonder how much he has exaggerated about this dudes mom. I look over and my buddy is laughing his ass off. Of course I start to chuckle and ask him "what?" He tells me that he forgot that he didn't tell me that this was an investment property that they are renovating and that the toilet in the carport is just a coincidence.

How does this happen to me?