• Why can I wake up 5 minutes before my alarm goes off when I have an early morning tee time, but hit the snooze button over and over again like a Tommy Lee drum solo during the week to get up for work? Because I want to go play golf.
• Why don’t you ever see animal skin clothing/boots with bullet holes in them?
• If you look like you are pregnant, whether you are or not, and you wear skin tight shirts with a half sweater thingy, people are going to ask if you are pregnant. Just realize that when you get dressed.
• When someone tells me that they are going to do some tweaking, I am always disappointed when they don’t start twitching and jerking.
• Why is it that cleaning product companies can’t make a product that kills that last .01% of germs?
• If you shave your head to try to look like a bad ass, be sure to shave your back hair that is going North Korean on your neck. Otherwise you just look like a bad fat guy.
• Just to be clear; bald is a condition, shaved is a hair style.
• I should have named at least one of my kids Theodoucious J Badass. That or Bruce Lee Roy.
• Do you know what comes in brownies? Cub scouts
• How many Viet Nam vets does it take to change a light bulb? YOU DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!
• I overheard someone saying the other day that they were a vegetarian because they couldn’t eat another living thing. Don’t plants live?
• I made a new mixed drink. It’s a shot of tequila in a glass of Carona with 2oz of olive juice. It’s called a Dirty Mexican.
• I am working on a drink called the Kayne West but I can’t figure out how to get a donkey into a bottle.
• The other day I sneezed and farted at the same time. I thought I was deflating.
• I saw a midget in a store earlier. It took every ounce of my being to keep from chasing him yelling “Fe Fi Fo Fum”
• When a DJ says the band name “Hoobastank” I always think it’s Mush Mouth from the Fat Albert cartoons asking who farted.
Don’t get dead
2 comments:
Hell yeah. Another Booya sighting. I like the one about North Korea and shaving your head. Never a good look to shave your head but forgot about your back.
I can help regarding creation of your drink called the "Kayne West" - make sure all the ingredients are OVER-RATED, and AT LEAST 80% SHIT. Stir, and stand in the spotlight 'til SPOILED ROTTEN.
Allow to chill, then SERVE.
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