Strip Clubs

As a connoisseur of “Gentlemens Establishments”, I thought I would pass along some tips to help you determine if you are in a nice club or not. And trust me, I have been to some really nice ones and some… not so nice ones. As always there are exceptions to these rules but play the odds and use this list as a guide. Think of it as a titty-bar check list!

If you see any of these things in the establishment you happen to be patronizing, you are probably not in a nice club.

First and for most

• Mullets – if there is a mullet within 100 yards of the front door, get the hell out of there.

Then there are other things such as
• Carpet – if it is sticky or has duct tape on it to stop it from unraveling you have entered a less than stellar club.
• Bullet wounds – if a “dancer” has a wound scar of any type, regardless of the age of the wound, it really speaks to the quality of the “entertainment”. Even the day dancers.
• Bumps/Rashes – of any kind is a huge red flag that you are not in the upper echelon of men’s club. If an “entertainer” is scratching anything, arm pit, crotch, head, butt crack, do you really want her to rub her money maker on your boys?
• Bottles & Glasses vs. Cans & Plastic – If the club you are in isn’t allowed to have glass inside of the building because of “insurance reasons” don’t you really think this is a place you don’t want to hang out with massive amounts of cash? Grated you’re all bad-asses and can beat the hell out of everyone else but if enough everyone eleses get together to dance on your face I don’t think even Chuck Norris is going to be able to help you.
• Teeth – both too many and not enough are bad signs. If her smile looks like her teeth are fighting for room or if she looks like she could smoke a cigarette without opening her mouth do I really have to tell you to run? Oh and while we are on teeth, if she smiles and it looks like she has a mouth full of burnt stumps get the hell out.
• Singing – if the D.J. lets the dancers sing over a song (yes, I have seen that happen), even on a slow night you are in a bad strip bar.
• BJs – if any of the “entertainers” will go to your car with you, at the end of their shift or not, one might venture that you are not in the best of clubs. I know that these are hard economic times, but if she will blow or screw you in the parking lot and then go back and give table dances to any guy with 20 bucks don’t you think she will do that for anybody?
• T-Shirts – yes, t-shirts. If the staff is wearing t-shirts regardless of the fact that they might be t-shirts from that club, you are not in what one might call a high class joint. At the very minimum they should have on collared pull-overs or polo shits. Usually a clean button down is the standard.
• Bar Stools w/Duct Tape – you might be thinking WTF, what is the big deal about this? Well bar stools are relatively cheap so if one got a tear in it the bartender should put it in the back and end up throwing it away and ordering more. You can get barstools just about any where and if you do have a problem with people cutting them up, well there ya go.
• The “Trough” – yeah, any mens room with a trough urinal is a very bad sign. Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want to be around a bunch of drunk horned up guys with my junk out on display. Remember the line from “Ghostbuster”? Don’t cross the streams!!
• Rubbers – while we are on the subject of the mens room, any strip bar that has a rubber machine in its mens room might not be the best selection, even if they are Trojans.
• Accents – oh, a bit racial you might say but go with me on this one. If the DJ has an accent of any kind you are not at a place where big business deals are being made, drug deals maybe. If the DJ cracks the mic and bust off with “Hey ese” or “Viva” anything, don’t walk, run to the door.
• Dancer/Server – if the same person who brings you a beer will also give you a table dance, I got a feeling you made a poor choice in locations for entertainment for the night.
• Memberships – a scam pure and simple. Any titty bar that wants you to buy a membership is just looking for more ways to bring in cash. You would think the meth sells would be enough.
• Country/Metal – what do you know “Sindee” likes to dance to Garth Brooks and “Jade” loves her some Metal Church. Well guess what, that means you are in a hell hole of a mens club. The majority of the fat cats with a big bank roll don’t want to hear that stuff while they watch silicone bounce around.
• Folding chairs – oh hell yeah, if the chairs around the wobbly tables in the club fold up there is a slightly massive chance that you are in the armpit of strip bars.
• Cute sayings – you know how people who are really well off don’t have to tell people that they are really well off? And how people who are really smart don’t have to tell people that they are really smart? Well when a DJ in a strip club has to announce that you need to tip the girls, the audience probably isn’t either of the previously mentioned things. So if you hear cute sayings like “Come on fellas, put some greenery on her scenery” or “put a tip on her hip” the bar that you are at is probably less than fantastic.
• Privacy fences around the parking lot – come on, do I even have to tell you?
• Walk-thru Metal Detector – are you going to look at boobs in the hood come on now.
• DJ/Janitor – if the DJ has to play the album version of “Inna Godda Davita” so that he can go mop up a drink that spilled, I would venture to believe that you are not surrounded by Mensa members.


It’s your money and life, I am just trying to help you enjoy it more.

Don’t get dead