The other day as I was in Pamplona running in front of the bulls, or maybe I was on my couch watching the movie Airplane – I often get those two confused, I got to thinking about some of the sayings that you hear in society and how some of them just don’t make sense.
Stuff like “his elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor” I got. And “not the brightest bulb in the box” I got that one too. Sayings like those are pretty easy to figure out. The ones that I am talking about are the ones where the mental picture or description has nothing to do with what the phrase means.
For example “the shit has hit the fan”, I know that it means things have gotten really bad but where did that saying come from? What is the collation between excrement and a fan? And is it bad because of the shit or because of the fan? And are we talking about a ceiling fan, a box fan, an oscillating fan or one of those hand held fans? Or maybe it’s a completely different kind of fan, like a person who cheers for a sports team. Maybe it is one of those kinds of fans. While we are on our little fact finding mission, is it human shit or cow shit or dog shit? I’m not sure why but I think it matters what kind of shit it is.
And why shit? I mean come on, you could use a lot of things to get the point across, but shit? That’s nasty. You could say the sugar free Jello instant pudding has hit the fan or the guacamole has hit the fan, the mud has hit the fan, the oil has hit the fan, the transmission from a 1972 Mercury Cougar has hit the fan. Any of those would get the point across. And if it has to be something from the body, why not the snot has hit the fan? Or blood, I mean you start talking about blood flying around and people are going to know that it is a bad situation. And who is going to clean it up?
Then there is this little piece of literary genius “going to see a man about a horse”. What in the hell does that have to do with taking a leak? Are you going to see a man about if the horse is fully hydrated? Or you got some weird sick bestiality thing going on? You know what horses do to carrots don’t ya? CHOMP! Cut you off at the quick.
Speaking of horses and dumbass sayings “got to pee like a Russian race horse”, I know what it means but why a Russian race horse? Something special about race horses in Russia that has to do with peeing? Why not a Swedish race horse? Or an Australian race horse? This some sort of cold war insult or something? And why a horse? I mean, yeah they are big animals but you ever see a cow pee? You better get a couple of mops to clean that up. And if you going for an animal that is big why not an African Elephant? Or a Beluga Whale? Ever see one of those fuckers? They are pretty big too. I guess maybe a Sperm Whale would be a better choice.
Another one is “drop it/you/them like a bad habit”. Anyone out there got a bad habit like smoking, popping your knuckles or talking with food in your mouth? They are hard as hell to drop. So this phrase makes no sense. You know what if you hear someone say this in public, go ahead and junk punch them. You have my permission (except me because I might say it from time to time!).
I heard someone say that it was “hot as balls” outside the other day. I don’t even know how to address this.
Another one would be “shit eating grin”. Shouldn’t that be shit eating gag? Who would grin while eating shit? And why would you grin? Are you supposed to be proud to be eating that? I don’t think I could stop throwing up if I ever did that.
And why so many sayings about shit?
What about this classic, “colder than a witch’s tit” which is sometimes accompanied by “in a brass bra”. I have heard people say that it’s “colder than a well digger’s ass”, that I get. I mean go dig a deep hole and see how the temperature changes. But I digress. And maybe it’s just me but I always thought that brass was kind of heavy, so why would anyone wear a bra made out of it? That can’t be comfortable or look good. And what does a witch have to do with it? They have some sort of lower body temperature or something? I don’t personally know any witches, but I know a lot of bitches, which has got to be pretty damn close and the only thing cold about them is their heart, not their tits.
Don’t get dead
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4 comments:
Absolute literary genius has hit the fan. Bored as hell? Do you get bored in hell? I wonder about that one, but I digress, as usual.
now i don't know where it comes from but come on - none of those things would work as well hitting the fan. cuz none of it is gonna spread around quite as much as shit. except maybe blood. okay, i'll start saying the blood hit the fan.
i had no idea seeing a man about a horse had anything to do with peeing.
i also have never heard "russian" race horse. as to the race horse itself. someone once told me that they overextending horses bladders before a race to make them run faster. i have no idea if that's true. maybe they just wanted me to stop asking questions - i get that a lot.
witch's tits are warm - i just checked.
1. I think guacamole hits the fan would work just fine.
2. While I have heard of having to piss like a race horse, I have never heard of it being referred to as a Russian race horse.
3. You are f*cking hilarious.
I can see how watching the movie Airplane! may have confused you as to that "the shit's gonna hit the fan" statement, as that clip in the movie was anti-climactic, and disappointed me deeply. I don't know if it was the consistency of the turd, or the lack of power in the fan motor, but the clip just let me down.
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