The Mall

The other day I went to the mall with my family, why you may ask. Because I am a sadist or masochist or which ever one likes to be tortured. You see, not only was it about 1,000 degrees outside but the mall we were going to is very popular so it was a double dumbass day at the mall.

Just to give you a little peep into what was going to make this mall trip so much fun, my 3 year old son thought it would be a good idea to color instead of taking a nap like we told him too. But he didn’t color in a book. Nope he colored on himself, with a permanent marker none the less. There he is with his free hand tribal tats, all over his arms and legs. Thank god he didn’t go Mike Tyson on us and do his face too.

We tried to get it off of him but the best we could do was to make it fade a little bit. Wanna guess what it looked like? It looked like we force fed him about a half dozen Whataburgers, three pots of black coffee and a couple of jars of jalapenos then kept him out of the bathroom for a couple of days. The boy was a mess.

To make a long story shorter, while spending the afternoon at the mall we decided to get something to eat at the food court. As we are making our way to the food court I see a girl that I could best describe as a beefy suicide girl. The family makes their way to get something to eat, I wanted something from a different place, and I go find a table for us. When they get to the table I get my son to go over to their table, point to his arms and legs and say “Nice Ink”. Did you know that a human can shoot a mouthful soft taco a good 15 feet when they begin to laugh? And she got a pretty good spray too!

About the time that I found a table my kids see the vending machines and claw games that are in the food court and want to go play them. I had some change and didn’t care of they blew it trying to get a stuffed animal or something like that. What I didn’t know is that my son found the Hyper Mega Super Ball machine and used the change I gave him to buy one. This ball is not quite the size of a baseball but bigger than a golf ball. What I also didn’t know is that he realized that we were on the third floor of the mall. As I was watching him and just about the time I said “Oh no, surely he’s not going to…” this is when I learned that my son has one hell of an arm. He hurled that ball over the rail. I saw it make one bounce and then heard a lot of people yelling. Ooops! Do you have any idea how fast a 3 year old can haul ass back to the table when they realize that they have made a mistake?

As I said before I wanted to get something to eat from a different place than the rest of my family so I go and make my way to the restaurant that I want to eat at and get in line. Just as if someone had scripted it, this older woman and her (I guess) son get behind me in line. When it gets to be mine turn I tell the guy what I want and make my way down the line, just like most people with common sense. This lady is asking what everything is, what’s in it and so on. You could just see the guy behind the counter wanted to stab her in the eye with a spork. Since there were so many people in the mall that day there was a bit of a line. When it got to be my turn to pay I get out my card, hand it to the guy behind the counter and then grab a bottle of hot sauce and start to pour some onto my food. About the time the guy is handing me my card back the question lady asks me “What’s that?” and I simply could not resist. I reply to her “I don’t know, but it makes my poop funny colors. Burns like hell too” and just walked away.

Don’t get dead