The first round is on the house

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to own a bar and grill. I know the T.V. show Cheers has to be partly to blame. But I always thought it would be kind of cool and fun to have a place. But not just any bar, THE bar. The kind of place that was packed every night, with a line to get in that ran down the street.

To have a place like that I would think that you would need three key factors, a prime location, a great atmosphere and specialty food and drinks. Location is out of my control, I would have to hire someone to create the right atmosphere so that leaves the food and drinks. So I thought I would give putting together some house specials.

Let’s start with some the food.

The Urban Meyer sandwich – go to the store and get your favorite pre-made sandwich, eat half of it and proclaim it to be the best sandwich ever. Then you have your wife call 9-1-1, and then let everyone know that you are finished with the sandwich. Wait a couple of minutes and decide that you are going to continue eating the sandwich. After a couple of minutes more decide that you are done with the sandwich. A few minutes later proclaim that you don’t know if you are going to eat the sandwich or not but that you are going to be associated with the sandwich in some way.

The Gulf of Mexico sandwich – start with a piece of Mahi Mahi, Red Snapper, Mackerel, Amberjack and Anchovies into a hoagie roll. Add a scoop of tuna salad and several fried shrimp. Top with lots and lots of oil and vinegar, but mostly oil.

The Obama sandwich – this sandwich contains the meat from the left wing of a vulture, add a several slices of Swiss cheese with lots of holes, and then add several slices of baloney and top with mole sauce. This sandwich goes well with the mixed drink The Congress listed below.

Let’s move on to the drinks.

The Congress – in a big glass blender pour in a large can of mixed nuts, a bottle of w(h)ine, a couple of fruits, then add a couple of cut up hotdogs (because we all know what hotdogs are made out of), and top it off with a large helping of the manure of a bull. Mix well and try to choke it back and not get sick.

The Toyota – equal parts sake and Red Bull poured into a glass lined with an 8-ball of speed.

The Tiger Woods – mix sake, Ripple, 14 blonde ale beers, a shot of wheat grass and a shot of Norwegian vodka in a dented shaker with “fore” ice cubes. Serve in a Bloody Mary glass. You’ll be sure to be selling buuuuuuicks at the porcelain water hazard later.

The O.J. Simpson – it is a can of slice and a Bloody Mary. First you drink a slice and then the Bloody Mary.

The Gangbang – start with a Shirley Temple in a high ball glass, add a shot of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo. Shake vigorously and top with some Sam Adams.

The Tim Tebow – equal parts Gatorade and holy water poured into an old fashion glass where the rim is lined with freshly chopped onion, you know for the tears.

I am working on a drink called the Kim Jong Il but I don’t know how to get bat shit crazy into a glass. This place is going to rule right?

- Don’t get dead