Sending the wrong message

I have been watching way too much television lately. As I said in my previous blog the wife and I were in the hospital for over a week. Oh what a joy that was, great food, immaculate accommodations and so much to do. If you can’t tell that is sarcasm. So we did just about the only thing that you could do, watch the limited amount of television that there was. We watched anything that was on and late at night when the baby was up, that wasn’t much. After 2 AM you pretty much had cartoons, 24 hour news channels and infomercials.

It was so bad that I even caught myself paying attention to the commercials. At first I was fixated with the AT&T commercials trying to find all of the “bars” in the commercials. Then there were all of the weird Jack-in-the-Box commercials and we couldn’t leave out the Video Professor. I mean this guy teaches you how to either use software or sell stuff on E-bay for FREE!

But the one that stuck out the most to me was those stupid GEICO commercials. You know the ones with the stack of money with the big googely eyes on them. I think that I have seen them all by now. There is the one where the guy is putting up a fence, the one where the guy is on the plane, the one where they are in a video conference and so on. Although I don’t have GEICO for any type of insurance I don’t have anything against them. But if you ask me, their marketing department is really sending the wrong message. I know that the message that they are trying to send is that their insurance is cheaper than others. But the message that I get from these commercials is that their insurance is so bad that people would rather pay more for someone else’s coverage. Why else would all of these people not switch their providers?

The marketing department is up to the plate, here’s the pay off pitch, oh a swing and a miss!

Hey GEICO, you want to show people how much money they can save by switching? Let me help you. Here is your next commercial. Two people are grocery shopping and they are putting things like Ramen Noodles and Hamburger Helper into their carts while talking about how they are really having to budget. Then cut to the next shopping trip and one of the people is loading their cart with steaks. When the other person asks them what happened to budgeting when the first one says, “We switched to GEICO and save more money now.” That would get the point across to me. Oh and GEICO, one other thing, stop with all of the cutesy crap. First it was the gecko and now the stack of cash with eyes on it. You don’t need a mascot, knock it off!

Don’t get dead

This man is a whore

His name is Billy Mays and he is a serious man-ho. He will sell anything. And now he has reached a new low, discount medical insurance. As if the crap that he peddles on his infomercials wasn’t bad enough he is now slutting out the insurance industry.

Yep, watching the news tonight and I see this



And if you call in the next 20 minutes they will double your policy for free! With a 60 day money back guarantee. All you do is pay the shipping!

So if you got some crappy product and will sling some cash Billy’s way, he will market it for you. I just wonder how long it will be until he is selling “marital aids”, timeshares or miracle weight loss drug? I mean hell, he has his name attached to almost 60 products as it is now ranging from the Zoreez, a shamwow knock off, to Aquapel, the bastard cousin of Rain-X. I am sure there is a saladshooter in there somewhere too. Have you no shame Billy?!

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Snuggie and other stupid crap

We have all seen the commercial for the “Snuggie” right? Where the woman is unhappy about having to pay her electric bill so she keeps the house cold in the winter time. And then the announcer comes out and tells you how the “Snuggie” is a blanket with sleeves. We have all seen this stupid ass commercial right? Is it just me or is the “Snuggie” just a bath robe put on backwards? What a novel “invention” (insert eye roll here)! How bloody stupid do you have to be to go out and buy one of these?

And while we are on it, since it is a backwards bath robe without a belt when you get up aren’t you going to be cold again? Just like wearing a hospital gown.

Let’s look at this with some common sense shall we. First off, they just started offering this stupid thing in December. You know, when it is already cold. Then the small print says to add 2 to 6 weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?! Do the math, that’s mid-February if you order right now. You really think that a terry cloth bath robe is going to keep you warm in February?

Additionally, if you do the math the “Snuggie” is $19.95 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA) plus $7.95 for shipping. So that is $27.90 (plus tax if you live in NY or CA). Since it is already January, are you really going to save roughly $30 is your heating bill by turning your heat down a little between now and mid-February? You know, the very coldest part of the year, where you heat is going to run anyway? Oh and if you don’t live alone you got to dish out another $7.95 for one more, what if you live with 4 other people? Seriously, do the math, how much are you going to save?

It’s also kind of funny that you have a 30 day money back guarantee but may take six weeks to get to you, nice touch Snuggie. Oh and don’t forget that crappy book light. I would love to have been in the marketing meeting that produced this. Who was their target audience? The mentally handicapped?

You know what, I got a closet full of “Snuggies” in a lot more colors than the three that they offer on TV. And I will get them to you a hell of a lot quicker than six weeks. So send me $20 bucks and I will send you a robe, uhh, I mean a “Snuggie”. And if you order now, I will give you the opportunity to order our new two piece, fully enclosed “Snuggie” called sweatpants and a sweatshirt or sweater.

Oh and the “Shamwow”, give me a break. Shammys have been around for years and years. If I went to one of my friend’s house and they had a “Shamwow” as a bathmat I would laugh right in their face.

The people who buy this stuff must be the tinfoil hat wearing population of America.

But the worst of all is the late night electric wheelchair commercials from the Scooter Store. Have you seen the one where it looks like they left the door to the old folk’s home open? They show all of these senior citizens roaming town in their “powerchair”. First off, my grandmother had one of these and she couldn’t drive it for shit. You could tell everywhere she had been because the walls where all fucked up where she was running into stuff. Since she couldn’t drive it in her house, do you really think ANYONE would let her drive it to town? Where other cars where? And secondly it looks like a geriatric biker gang. They looked like the Hells Door Step Angels. Come on Scooter Store, do you watch your own commercials? If you really wanted to show what life with a powerchair is like, show the old people riding them with motorcycle helmets on and offer some kind of discount on doorframe repair. Oh and Scooter Store, just as a bit of free advice your R&D department might want to take a look at bumper cars. Seriously, pad the edges.

Oh and the damn watering globe, Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ, how lazy are you that you can’t pour some water into a pot every now and then. Shit, do like we do, just let them die a quick death. Don’t fill the plant with false hope that it might actually live.

But I do want one of those sliders grill things.


Don’t get dead

New record

This morning Nik Wallenda set a world record for the longest and highest bike ride on a wire. The 250 foot long and 135 foot high balancing act was shown nationally on NBC’s “TODAY” show live from Newark, NJ.

While being interviewed by NBC’s Kerry Sanders right after the record setting display this morning, Nik told a nationwide audience that he is planning on walking across the Grand Canyon next spring.

That is after his next and most amazing stunt, telling his wife that he quit his job to do high wire acts.

Don’t get dead

Another stupid commercial

While watching some of the coverage of hurricane Ike I saw this commercial for this “personal sound amplifier” called “Listen Up”, have you seen this bullshit?

If not, you can see it here


In the first scene of the commercial there is this older couple in bed, the wife is reading a book and the husband is apparently watching TV when this bitch leans over and says, “Could you turn that down please!” and he does! What a pussy.

Now there are two things wrong here, first thing is if this was a real couple they would have both been asleep. My grandparents didn’t read and watch TV in bed. It seemed to me that they were in bed shortly after the 6:00 news so I doubt highly that they were reading and watching the late show in the middle of the night.

The second part of this that is wrong is that the husband should have looked over and showed her how strong his pimp hand is. Payow! Was that quiet enough?!

In the next scene memaw is on the phone while pops is watching the game or something and she yells over, “Does that have to be so loud!”

Ok bitch, you are on a cordless phone, why don’t you take your ass to another room. You expect gandpa to pick up that heavy ass console TV and tote it to the guest room or something? Damn.

Later on in the commercial the narrator talks about how you can hear conversations from across the room and they show a guy in the gym apparently listening to two girls talk about him. And then some dame is checking her mail as the other desperate housewives are walking by talking about her. Sounds like a restraining order starter kit to me.

There is also a mention about how this device can be used for outdoorsmen and it shows some guy hunting. Why is it that the thought of someone who can’t hear that well in the wilderness with a high-powered rifle scares the hell out of me? Like it is all of the sudden safe for Marlee Matlin’s son to be out deer hunting. I don’t want to be there when the batteries die and the Jr. Matlin mistakes me for an 8-point buck.

Don’t get dead

The stupidest person on the face of the earth

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the stupidest person on planet earth. Please enjoy this video of an idiot kite-surfing in a tropical storm.



You know at some point he had a conversation like this.

Dude, we are so going to catch some gnarly air! Yeah, hell yeah, it will be most righteous! Then fast forward until he is out on the beach. Woah man, this is wicked cool. Check it out man I am SOOOO freaking high, tropical storms make the best wind… oh hell that building is coming up fas… BAMM!

I love the smell of stupid in the morning.

Don’t get dead

The Game Plan

I have just watched the movie “The Game Plan” with the Rock for about the 30th time and I got to say, that chick who is the dance instructor is freak hot!

That’s all

Don’t get dead

Olympics

Is anyone getting excited about the summer Olympics? I have a slight interest only because of the “controversy”. Other than that I could care less. But I don’t know why. The Olympics used to be a big deal. Now it’s almost like any other TV show. It used to be that people knew who were going to be our biggest competitors and the U.S. was expected to medal if not win pretty much every event that we entered. Now, I don’t know how many events we are going to enter, who any of the big name athletes are or if we are even expected to medal in anything. This could completely be me, maybe I have gotten out of the loop and everyone else still has Olympic fever if you will.

I am interested to watch the opening ceremonies just to see if anything happens. Waiting for the train wreck to happen if you will. That is if I am home and happen to think about it.

And just like the winter games with Curling, the summer games have their stupid event, walking. Yeah, walking is an Olympic event. Who know that I was an Olympiad in training! I have been walking for years. But how do to tell a fast walk from a jog? I could be completely off base, just funny to me.

I do hope that the U.S. team does well.

Don’t get dead

You got to watch this show

As I have stated several times, I am not a big fan or reality TV and I don’t watch a whole lot of TV in general. But for the last couple of weeks or so I have started to love this show that Tracy Morgan host called Scare Tactics. It’s a practical joke show where they put people in these crazy situations and scare the hell out of them. They put the victims in every situation from secret government experiments gone horribly wrong to murders and pretty much every other horror movie situation that you can think of. I love this show. What I would like to see is the stuff that they can’t air. Like was there a time that someone just freaked out. I wonder if anyone ever pulled out their cell phone and called 9-1-1? I wonder if anyone ever passed out or wet themselves or something like that. I have seen some where they had to bleep some of the language but I wonder if they had someone that just wouldn’t quit cussing or something like that. I wonder if anyone actually ever crapped their pants. Or if someone ever got really upset and didn’t see the humor in it. That would be a fun show to work on. If you get a chance be sure to watch it.

Don’t get dead

TV really sucks

As I have stated before, I don’t watch a lot of television. I simply don’t have time. I do good if I catch the news. So tonight I was taking a break from life and watching some TV both with and without my family. And I realized that most TV now is crap. Just about everything you see is either “reality” TV or it is a show from the past rehashed.

Think about it, American Idol and Country Idol or what ever the hell it is called is just a modern version of “The Gong Show” with a twist. And “America’s Got Talent”, well that is just “Real People” from the 80’s. This show that I got to watch part of tonight called “Fear Itself”, although a good show so far, looks an awful lot like “Quantum Leap” to me.

And if those weren’t bad enough, we have the new ”American Gladiators” with the Hulkster (LOL). Which is kind of a double rehash.

But fear not! We have reached what has got to be the bottom of the barrel with “Celebrity Family Feud”, yeah… it can’t get much worse than that. So it has to get better from here, right?

And I think it has started to get better. There is a show that I really like, at least the few times that I have been able to watch it. It is on the USA network and it is called “Burn Notice”. I can’t think of anything else that I have seen that it seems to be like. And there is a reality show coming up that looks like it should be good. It’s called “The Baby Borrowers” and it’s about teenagers taking care of babies. Even the network is advertising it as birth control. I imagine after this show, those kids wont even want to think about sex. I plan to TiVo it, haha.

Don’t get dead

How the times have not changed

I was hanging out and watching TV earlier with my kids, because I am cool like that. And as I was looking through the guide I saw that Scooby Doo was on, hell yeah that’s a classic. As we are watching it I noticed something that, something that happens on every episode.

Want to guess what it is? Nope, not old man Johnson trying to scare off the kids, not the Inn keeper wearing a mask, not even Shaggy saying Zoiks!

It is Velma loosing her glasses. That bitch looses her glasses on every episode. I have been watching Scooby Doo for at least 30 years and for 30 years this retard has been getting her glasses knocked off of her face and temporarily loosing them. You would think that in 30 years someone would have clued her into lasik or at the very least contacts. But NOOOO she has to keep those damn coke bottles.

You can tell that this is an older cartoon because there is no way that this would fly if this was a new show.

If this was a new show Velma would have lasik, the mystery machine would be a hydrid, Fred would be a metrosexual, Shaggy and Scooby would be hosting a reality show and Daphne would be in rehab.

Don’t get dead

J. G. Wentworth

Have you seen this stupid commercial for J. G. Wentworth? It’s a commercial where people are waiting on a structured settlement or annuity and my guess is that they will give you a lump sum if you sign over the installment to them, but the commercial is just stupid. A segment of the commercial can be seen here

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The commercial starts out with some yo-yo sitting on his couch getting excited and talking to himself or the television when this man, whom I suppose is J. G. Wentworth himself. Then he and several other people go to their window and yell out “IT’S MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW!” and one old dude looks really pissed about it. To me this sends the wrong message. To me this commercial is saying there are tons of people who are broke. And can’t manage their money. So in essence they are yelling “I’M BROKE!”

Secondly, why are they yelling? Unless the company who is sending you the annuity or settlement payments are within yelling distance you are just making yourself look even more moronic. And I don’t know a lot of companies who do business by yelling. Phone calls, in person, fax and e-mail - Yes. Yelling out of a window – No. And even if they did do busy by yelling, what if they are far away and can’t hear you? But say they did do business by yell and they can hear you, but you live in Boston and the company who owes you is in LA. If you yell at 8:00 AM in Boston, it’s is only 4:00 AM in the pacific time zone. I, for one, would be way pissed if some dude was yelling at me at 4:00 in the morning about some cash. Dude, you just went to the very bottom of the list of my priorities. This commercial sends the wrong message to me.

But I have not had enough coffee this morning.

Don’t get dead.

Mythbusters (with an adult twist)

The following post contains material of an adult nature, if you are easily offended please don’t read it. Ok, you have been warned. This stuff is just supposed to give you a chuckle, don’t get twisted about it if you continue to read.

I will admit it, I love the show Mythbusters. I watch it whenever I get a chance. And I will tell you why I love the show, two reasons actually. Explosions and guns. Oh yeah, by the end of every show something is getting destroyed. And that red headed chick is kind of hot too.

So the other day I am watching the movie Wedding Crashers and they get to the scene where one guy puts eye drops into another guys drink. Shortly after that the guy who drank the Visine is hugging the toilet. I wondered if someone would really get sick if you put Visine in their drink. Hey! Mythbusters should put that in one of their shows. Which got me to thinking about a whole host of ideas of a different nature that they could test.

So you got the Visine in the water. Pretty simple test, drink it, if you barf that myth is busted. But what else could they put in this episode?

How about Spanish Fly, does it really work? I guess this would have to be a placebo test. You give some semi-sluty girls some Spanish Fly and some other semi-sluty girls the placebo and see which ones would do the wild monkey dance with a new guy. I can just see the applications come flying into the Discovery Channel for people wanting to work on this show now.

So we got an aphrodisiac, what about going in the other direction. Give some horned up high school guys some Saltpeter and send them off to a free kegger frat party at some liberal arts college. That would be the ultimate test. If they come back pissed off that is definitely “plausible”. If they come back wanting to go to that school that myth is busted.

After we get past what gets you going or shuts you down, let’s move to various myths about actually doing the naked mambo. I think the first thing you would have to test is the pull out method. Oh yeah, you thought the applications were flying into the show before, somewhere in San Francisco a public high school just became an all girls school. I think the testing for this one would be pretty straight forward. If there is a rash of shotgun weddings within 9 months, myth busted.

Since we are testing the pull out myth, why not the myth of does position at conception determine the gender? I heard that if you want a boy you got to do it doggy style. LOL, whatever, but let the testing begin. I can just see it now, a room full of couples going at it in various positions while the hosts of the show walk around in lab coats with clip boards taking notes. I don’t know why but that visual is funny to me.

Well we have gone this far, no need to stop now. What about testing the myth of thinking about something else while you are bumping uglies will cause you to last longer. I am guessing for this test you would have a couple go at it and see how long it takes them. Then you have them go at it again the next day and have some dude in there asking him basic math questions or something like that to see if he can last longer.

My friend Matt (of Uncle Max fame) wants to test the finding the G spot myth. He thinks it’s just a myth to make him work harder. Haha.

Then they could test the myth of can a girl really shoot ping pong balls out of her … self. We all know it’s true, we just want to see it without having to go to Mexico.

Another myth that Matt wants them to test is do women really have orgasms. He thinks it’s all contrived. I think someone needs to talk to Matt about his technique. I told him not to even mention testing does size matter.

I guess we are just going to have to accept the myth about the male g-spot as is.

Quite possibly the most popular myth would be the are all women two drinks away from being bi myth. Damn, now I am getting applications and I don’t even work for the Discovery Channel or Mythbusters. This test would have to be under a controlled environment. Single guy in a bar full of hot chicks, good music and round after round of kamikazes.

Another myth would have to be does drinking booze out of a straw get you drunker quicker. I remember as a young punk growing up in the deep south when we would go to field parties there would be legions of girls with a bottle of Boones Farm with a big ass straw in it for that very reason.

Somehow there is a refractory period myth to test in there as well.

Since we have done some hanky panky myths and some drinking myths, logic would say that you have to test the too drunk to get it up myth. For this test you would have to have a young single male as the test subject. But you have to be careful when picking the test subject, get one too young or too single and the results could be skewed. You get one too young and he wont be able to keep his head up much less his junk when alcohol is introduced. And if you get one too single the wind could blow the right direction and he would be stiff. Test subject selection is critical in this one.

Another aphrodisiac myth would be the green M&M myth of do women get horny when they eat green M&Ms? I also heard that the red ones have the opposite effect that the green ones do. My best guess on how to test this one is to have a big ass bowl of them out at a holiday party (only time you only see green and red M&Ms, the other colors might throw the results off) and see which women eat more green than red and if their dates get lucky.

Since we are doing the M&Ms, what about oysters? Yeah, you have heard it too, if a guy eats oysters he will be ready to go soon. Only thing about this is that when I eat oysters I am usually drinking and I am even more of a pain in the ass, I mean flirt, when I have been drinking. So that’s an x-factor of sorts.

There is also a myth that oral is so much better if the giver has Altoids in their mouth. Seems like a pretty straight forward test to me. Do it once without and then do it again with. Sounds kind of like a win/win situation me to. And just for fun, you should test the same myth with pop rocks, lol.

Writers strike

As I have stated before, I don't get a chance to watch a lot of television so some of this may be old news to you.

I have noticed there are more and more games shows' coming out that has to be because of the writers strike that is going on. But at least they are not "reality shows". One that I tivo'd but have not had a chance to watch yet is Duel. Duel is a trivia game show, which I like, where you can apparently call out your opponent, which I like even more. So that looks like it might be decent.

Then I hear there is an Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader celebrity version. That should be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

But one that I really do want to see, if it hasn't started yet is the polygraph show where they have family/friends there when you answer the questions. That looks like it has the potential to be a good show. I just hope that it is not all hype and creative editing in the commercials for it because I want to see this show live up to all of the hype. Amazing what people will do for money. I did see something about a guy being a peeping tom or something. I wonder if there is a statute of limitations on something like that. It would be really funny to see someone admit to something so that they could get paid and end up in the pokey.

One of the funniest things is a desperate attempt to re-hash one of the cheesiest game shows ever, American Gladiators. Yeah BROTHER!! Hulk Hogan is supposed to be hosting this. I wonder if the champ will have to take him on or something. Maybe a cage match or something.

I really had no idea how bad things would get without writers. Something really needs to be done because even the highlights of TV shows are really sucking pretty badly. I hear there is supposed to be a Terminator TV series now. Which from what very brief moment of the commercial that I saw, it appeared to be the movie remade.

Side note, I saw a commercial for a product that I really wonder how well it is going to do. The product is Diet Pepsi Max. Diet Pepsi with extra caffeine and Ginseng. Sounds like liquid ass in a bottle to me.