It’s not that I am upset by the local weather forecast, I am pissed off by the vague speak that they use to cover their asses because they don’t know any more than I do on what the flipping weather is going to be like.
Like what is the difference between isolated showers and scattered showers? They both mean that some places will get rain and some won’t. But what is the difference? Are some places more likely to maybe get rain than others? What a crock of shit that is.
And you know you can take your wind chill and heat index and stick them where it may be partly cloudy. There are three temperatures, it’s fucking hot, damn what a nice day and holy shit is it cold. That’s it.
And speaking of partly cloudy, what is that shit? I hear some days it will be partly cloudy and some days will be partly sunny. What the fuck? So does partly cloudy mean that we are going to have more sun or more clouds? Is partly the most part or the least part?
And if one of you mother fuckers even mentions the word ice and we don’t get ice but I have to be in traffic hell for how ever many hours, I am going to kick you right in the junk during the 10 o’clock newscast. You better not say it even if you are talking about your tea. Comprendre asshole?
Oh and this last winter I heard this gem while getting ready for work one morning. There was going to be patches of freezing fog, freezing fucking fog. You got to be shitting me. Ok, fog is moisture in the air (i.e. water) so if it freezes then there is a block of ice floating in the air? I call BS on that.
I think that weathermen aspire to be politicians. They can both speak at length without saying anything specific.
In conclusion, I am jealous of weathermen. That has got to be the only job where you can rake in a healthy six figures, be a celebrity of sorts, be wrong every day and still keep your damn job.
Don’t get dead
Showing posts with label weather. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weather. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
B BO BOO BOOT BOOTS
This blog really has nothing to do with that sign, just thought about it right before I started to write this.
The other day I was talking with a co-worker who is going to The Netherlands by way of England to see his sister. He just happened to mention that he didn't know what he was going to do on such a long flight and how to adjust to the time change and so on. Which reminded me of a story, imagine that right.
A buddy of mine was flying back from Heathrow to JFK and said that he wasn't able to sleep because of turbulent air and had gotten bored on the flight. Since he had already had a long nap and there is only so much "Everybody Loves Raymond" that you can take in one day. He got up and asked one of the stewardesses about how far they were and she told him that they had not made it quite halfway. Which was not the news he was looking for. At this point he went back to his seat and began to look around the plane and people watch. He said that he was seated on an isle seat and there was this woman across the isle one row up from him was doing something but he could not tell what it was.
About this time the air got rough again. He raised his seat back up and sat up in his seat so that he could better see what she was doing. Now he can see what she is doing and starts to giggle. But he is not able to mask his amusement and the guy sitting next to him looks over and sees what the lady is doing and begins to chuckle as well. Long story, short version is that several people in the area hear them giggling and look over to see what they are giggling at.
The lady was praying the rosary. But not just praying, she was taking turns praying and cussing. So every time they would hit rough air she would cuss and then start to pray again immeditly after. So they would hit turbulence and she would yell out "SHIT!" and then start "Hail Mary, full of grace (turbulence) DAMNIT! Hail Mary, SON OF A BITCH.. Hail Mary, full FUCK! Hail…" He said that they watched her for several minutes and don't think that she ever finished the prayer.
Don't get dead
The other day I was talking with a co-worker who is going to The Netherlands by way of England to see his sister. He just happened to mention that he didn't know what he was going to do on such a long flight and how to adjust to the time change and so on. Which reminded me of a story, imagine that right.
A buddy of mine was flying back from Heathrow to JFK and said that he wasn't able to sleep because of turbulent air and had gotten bored on the flight. Since he had already had a long nap and there is only so much "Everybody Loves Raymond" that you can take in one day. He got up and asked one of the stewardesses about how far they were and she told him that they had not made it quite halfway. Which was not the news he was looking for. At this point he went back to his seat and began to look around the plane and people watch. He said that he was seated on an isle seat and there was this woman across the isle one row up from him was doing something but he could not tell what it was.
About this time the air got rough again. He raised his seat back up and sat up in his seat so that he could better see what she was doing. Now he can see what she is doing and starts to giggle. But he is not able to mask his amusement and the guy sitting next to him looks over and sees what the lady is doing and begins to chuckle as well. Long story, short version is that several people in the area hear them giggling and look over to see what they are giggling at.
The lady was praying the rosary. But not just praying, she was taking turns praying and cussing. So every time they would hit rough air she would cuss and then start to pray again immeditly after. So they would hit turbulence and she would yell out "SHIT!" and then start "Hail Mary, full of grace (turbulence) DAMNIT! Hail Mary, SON OF A BITCH.. Hail Mary, full FUCK! Hail…" He said that they watched her for several minutes and don't think that she ever finished the prayer.
Don't get dead
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Storms
For the last week or so the Dallas area has been getting hit with some pretty heavy storms. Which is great, I love storms. But last night was a doozy. Something woke me up about a quarter to 3 or so this morning and as I lay there trying to get back to sleep I could tell that the wind was really picking up and shortly after the severe weather sirens were going off. Since I had been asleep I turned on the television to see what was going on. Line of storms, rotating winds, hail, blah blah blah. So we go get the kids and put them in our bed and I went into the game room to watch the news and see what was going on as the kids were going back to sleep. About this time the electricity goes off. Well this sucks, I am up in the early hours of the morning, it’s storming out and I am wide awake. It is about this time that I felt the call of nature. So as I am making my way to the bathroom in the pitch black of night during a storm I started to chuckle. The following story is why.
Spring Break come hell or high water, almost literally.
Way back around the time that I was in high school a group of us decided that we were going to go to the beach together and all went in on a beach house. If memory serves, there were about 8 of us staying in this house. Most of the week was great, typical spring break stuff, being loud, drinking, hanging out on the beach by day and partying by night.
Then one day the skies got cloudy and kind of dark and the winds picked up. Guess we will be partying indoors this afternoon. Somehow about 30 people ended up in our beach house but who cares right? Someone crank up 97.7 FM – Pirate Radio! And that’s when I heard it, that annoying ass beeeeeeeeeeppppp tone. What is this crap, right in the middle of “Alive” by Pearl Jam, that’s just wrong. Oh, it’s some weather crap, oh wait what’s that they are saying, a tropical something-another is headed our way, it’s what? Like a small hurricane? Oh ok. And then boom, lights go out. Well shit! Fortunately the boom box we were listening too had good batteries in it, because Pirate Radio was rockin that afternoon. It was at about this point that someone made the announcement of “Do NOT open the refrigerator unless you KNOW that you are going to get a beer out”, got to keep the beer cold you know, priorities and all that.
So the wind seems like it is whipping up around 100 MPH, the rain is going sideways and it is pitch black outside at 3:30 in the afternoon with the occasional lightning strike that seemed like it was hitting the house. But the beer is still nice and cold, we are going to be ok.
Someone found some candles, god only knows where but they did. But we didn’t really need candles, the light from about 30 cigarettes all light at the same time actually put out a decent bit of light. Man the inside of that house looked like London.
So we got a miniscule amount of light, a few dozen “young adults”, beer o’plenty, enough smokes to go around and oh yeah, this weather thing going on outside. HURRICANE PARTY!!! Oh hell yeah.
In case you didn’t know, youth + alcohol + beach – parents + wicked weather – common sense = narrowly escaping death.
About this time I see this girl who we will call “Mandy” making these fidget motions. At first I thought she was dancing or something. I keep watching her and after a while I notice this grimace on her face. So I walk over to her and ask her if she’s ok. To which she replies “No”. So I asked her what was wrong and she gives me the brush off answer of “nothing, it will be okay”. Alrighty then, spaz on. As I go to walk back over to where I was she grabs my arm and ask me if I know when the power is coming back on. Well, I am good but I can’t really predict the future. So I just tell her that I am sure it will be soon and ask her why. She does this shimmy/shake/fidget move again and leans in and whispers to me “I got to pee”. Okay, what the hell does that have to do with the power coming back on, go pee. So then it hit me, she can’t see. So I offer to help her and tell her that I can hold a candle or something for her.
This is where it gets humorous to me.
She gives me a stupid look and says “No, that’s not it”. So now I have to ask because I have to know. I lean in towards her and say “well what is it then?”, she looks me dead in the face and says “Well the toilet wont flush if the power is out”.
Now I got to find a mop because I just spit out the beer I was trying to drink. I am guessing that my reaction might have tipped her off to the invalidity of her assumption and she follows that up with “will it?”
Oh yeah, that’s right, we got those new plug in toilets. Good point.
Please god let her be sterile.
Don't get dead
Spring Break come hell or high water, almost literally.
Way back around the time that I was in high school a group of us decided that we were going to go to the beach together and all went in on a beach house. If memory serves, there were about 8 of us staying in this house. Most of the week was great, typical spring break stuff, being loud, drinking, hanging out on the beach by day and partying by night.
Then one day the skies got cloudy and kind of dark and the winds picked up. Guess we will be partying indoors this afternoon. Somehow about 30 people ended up in our beach house but who cares right? Someone crank up 97.7 FM – Pirate Radio! And that’s when I heard it, that annoying ass beeeeeeeeeeppppp tone. What is this crap, right in the middle of “Alive” by Pearl Jam, that’s just wrong. Oh, it’s some weather crap, oh wait what’s that they are saying, a tropical something-another is headed our way, it’s what? Like a small hurricane? Oh ok. And then boom, lights go out. Well shit! Fortunately the boom box we were listening too had good batteries in it, because Pirate Radio was rockin that afternoon. It was at about this point that someone made the announcement of “Do NOT open the refrigerator unless you KNOW that you are going to get a beer out”, got to keep the beer cold you know, priorities and all that.
So the wind seems like it is whipping up around 100 MPH, the rain is going sideways and it is pitch black outside at 3:30 in the afternoon with the occasional lightning strike that seemed like it was hitting the house. But the beer is still nice and cold, we are going to be ok.
Someone found some candles, god only knows where but they did. But we didn’t really need candles, the light from about 30 cigarettes all light at the same time actually put out a decent bit of light. Man the inside of that house looked like London.
So we got a miniscule amount of light, a few dozen “young adults”, beer o’plenty, enough smokes to go around and oh yeah, this weather thing going on outside. HURRICANE PARTY!!! Oh hell yeah.
In case you didn’t know, youth + alcohol + beach – parents + wicked weather – common sense = narrowly escaping death.
About this time I see this girl who we will call “Mandy” making these fidget motions. At first I thought she was dancing or something. I keep watching her and after a while I notice this grimace on her face. So I walk over to her and ask her if she’s ok. To which she replies “No”. So I asked her what was wrong and she gives me the brush off answer of “nothing, it will be okay”. Alrighty then, spaz on. As I go to walk back over to where I was she grabs my arm and ask me if I know when the power is coming back on. Well, I am good but I can’t really predict the future. So I just tell her that I am sure it will be soon and ask her why. She does this shimmy/shake/fidget move again and leans in and whispers to me “I got to pee”. Okay, what the hell does that have to do with the power coming back on, go pee. So then it hit me, she can’t see. So I offer to help her and tell her that I can hold a candle or something for her.
This is where it gets humorous to me.
She gives me a stupid look and says “No, that’s not it”. So now I have to ask because I have to know. I lean in towards her and say “well what is it then?”, she looks me dead in the face and says “Well the toilet wont flush if the power is out”.
Now I got to find a mop because I just spit out the beer I was trying to drink. I am guessing that my reaction might have tipped her off to the invalidity of her assumption and she follows that up with “will it?”
Oh yeah, that’s right, we got those new plug in toilets. Good point.
Please god let her be sterile.
Don't get dead
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