Larry King Interview

The other day I had the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes and have a quick talk with former talk show host Larry King.

Me: Hi Larry, thanks for taking a few minutes this afternoon to meet with me.
Larry King: My pleasure.

Me: So Larry you decided to call it quits after all these years, can you tell me why?
LK: Ehh, I was having trouble hearing. I am having some blockage that prevents me from hearing as clearly as I used to.
Me: Oh, have you thought about a hearing aid?
LK: It’s not my ears.
Me: It’s not?
LK: No, it’s my shoulders. They have been creeping closer and closer to my head for years. They are like ear muffs.
Me: Ahh, got ya.
LK: Plus I’m having a hard time seeing as well as I used to.
Me: Didn’t you have cataract surgery a few years ago? I saw photos you looking all Captain Jack Sparrow online.
LK: Yes I did.
Me: That didn’t help?
LK: At first it did. But my neck is so weak from all of those years of holding up those coke bottles and my prescription has changed again but I can’t hold up thicker, heavier lenses.
Me: I remember those old glasses. I thought you could see the future with them.
LK: No kidding.
Me: Speaking of your famous frames, who makes them?
LK: I have no idea. I know that the name is on them but when I take them off I can’t see a damn thing.
Me: Ever thought about using another pair of glasses to read the name on those glasses.
LK: I don’t have another pair.
Me: Ever think about getting another pair?
LK: Woah! That’s a great idea. I’m going to get right on that.

Me: So people joke that your trademark suspenders are too tight and that if you loosened them you wouldn’t have that whole shoulder thing going on.
LK: Why would I loosen them? I have worn them the same way since I was 12.
Me: But haven’t you grown since you were 12 years old? I mean I didn’t know you back then but aren’t you taller now then you were when you were 12?
LK: Ohh…

Me: So tell me who was your favorite interview?
LK: I would have to say it was Willie Nelson. After the show he let me check out his tour bus.
Me: Oh the whole biodiesel thing huh.
LK: What? No, we got stoned out of our minds on that bus. He has some killer weed.
Me: …oooookkkaaayyy
LK: I asked if I could go on tour with him but he told me that he already had a doorstop, whatever that means.

Me: I have heard that you are a huge sports fan, who is your favorite team?
LK: *sniff sniff*
Me: Larry, are you ok? Is this question making you emotional?
LK: No, I think I farted. At my age sometimes these things are hard to control.
Me …

Me: So back to the previous question, who is your favorite sports team?
LK: Aww, DAMMIT!
Me: What Larry? That was a softball question.
LK: No, no, no, not that. I sharted myself. I told you that these things were hard to control. Hey, do you know where my lunch is?
Me: No Larry, I have no idea where your lunch is.
LK: I do…
Me: Ok Larry, where is your lunch?
LK: Depends, get it?! I just sharted in my pants.
Me: Oh geez Larry, that was a bit much. Even for me.

Me: Moving right along, what are some of your pre-show routines?
LK: Show? What show?
Me: You were the host of a nationally syndicated call in talk show.
LK: Oh…well that explains the voices. I just thought that I was crazy. I didn’t know that everyone else could hear them too. That’s pretty cool, the whole I’m not crazy part.
Me: I didn’t say that.
LK: Whatever, I’m going with it.

Me: Mr. King, you’ve been married and divorced several times.
LK: Yes, I have.
Me: Who knew that so many women had a crypt keeper fetish?
LK: Yes, who knew? Aha ha
Me: Do you keep in touch with any of them?
LK: No, no, no…
Me: Do you even remember their names?
LK: Well, uhhh…I just call them all plaintiff.

Me: Who is the one person that you never got to interview that you wish you could?
LK: Oh, Jesus Christ!
Me: I had no idea that you were a religious person, Larry.
LK: No, it’s not that. These diapers aren’t nearly as absorbent as they used to be. I got a situation going on here and not that kid from New Jersey.

Me: So tell me, what was it like seeing fire get invented?
LK: Huh?
Me: Never mind.

Me: If you could go back in time and change one thing about your past, what would it be?
LK: Pre-nup, these bitches will rob you blind.

Me: Tell me Larry, what do you like to do when you are not behind the mic?
LK: I love to go shopping. Where’s my checkbook?!
Me: Do you really think that is a good idea?
LK: Oh yeah, that thing.

Me: What goes through your head when you are interviewing someone?
LK: Usually a marionette show.
Me: Which explains a lot.

Me: What’s one thing that you wish you had done in your life?
LK: Porn, eh heh heh.
Me: Uhhhgg
LK: You ok?
Me: Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Me: I’ve noticed that you usually have a mug on your desk during the show, what’s in the mug?
LK: Metamucil
Me: I should have known.

- Don’t get dead