New Superheroes

Of course growing up every boy wanted to be a superhero. There were the usual guys, Captain America, Superman, Batman, Spiderman, The Green Hornet and so on. Then there were some new superheroes in that Ben Stiller movie. One guy had a special bowling ball and I think there was a guy with some forks or something, I don’t remember exactly. But the thing about those guys is that that all had special powers. I think that it is time for people with normal powers to become heroes.

As I was thinking about how we need some new Superheroes I heard about this new movie “Kick Ass” that is about ordinary people without super powers making themselves Super Heroes. I saw on the news there are these people running around NYC donning capes and mask. So I know there are others who have been thinking like me.

For instance there could be “Annoy The Hell Out Of You Man”. His powers would be something like clearing his throat over and over, or maybe some weird non-stop laughing. He would just frustrate the bad guys into giving up.

What about “Body Odor Man”. His superpower could be that he smells of rotting maggots. All he would need would be a big fan that he could point at the bad guys and stand between the fan and the bad guys. I would think it would be hard to commit crimes while dry heaving uncontrollably.

“Long Story Man” would tell the longest, boring, no point having stories without letting the bad guy get a word in edgewise. While he assaults the bad guys eardrums and holds them hostage until the police get there or the hostages have time to devise an escape plan or whatever. This hero is most effective when he is older in life.

What about “Hairy Fat Man in a Speedo… Man”! His powers are obvious, complete distraction. Seriously, who could look away from that train wreck?

There also could be “Know It All Man”. He would be able to disarm/distract the crook by telling them how he could escape from the knot that they used to tie up the hostages or how the explosive they devised isn’t strong enough to bust through the wall and he could build a better one. This hero is most effective by causing the criminals to run head first into the closest brick wall.

Oh and what about “Mega Bitch Woman”! She would be able to fight crime by nonstop nagging and constant bitching until the bad guys would turn their weapons on themselves. I bet that if there were several of these heroines and if enough of them hang out together, in time they will be able fight unthinkable amounts of crime all at the same time. Probably even rid the world of crime all together. All while telling you how you are doing it wrong. The only downside is that she would only be able to fight crime once a month for about a week.

- Don’t get dead