Dear Sweezey - Need Help

Dear Sweezey,

I need help!!! I need legal advice or a cheap lawyer. Here is my situation. My soon to be ex-wife has filed assault charges against me. In case your wondering, I didnt do it. Here is the story behind it. My soon to be ex-wife is bi-polar. A few months ago she went off of her meds and decided that she was too fat. She went to see her dumb ass doctor and he gave her a perscription for Phentermine (medical grade speed) fo weight loss. Within a couple of weeks of being on the Phentermine she was completely manic. She had decided that I was no longer good enough for her; that I made her feel like a "simpleton". Two months ago she left me for an ex-con, drug adict that she met online two days before. This new guy was in prison for a few years for robbery and assault among other things. Clearly, this is not the king of guy I want around my six year old step son, so, I refused to stay away from the house because he refused to come over while I was there. This new guy told my wife that the only way to get me to leave and stay gone was to get a restraining order. I believe that the best way to get a restraining order fast and free is to file an assault charge and get a protective order. Thats exactly what she did.

Heres what I have: I have text messages from her that say "if you want to play this game, I will play and you wont like the way I play" and "If you come over here you will have another report". She had already filed one police report claiming that I made some threatening phone calls to her. I have a chat session between her and her new boyfriend where she says "I know he didnt make the phone calls, it wasnt his voice". This chatsession is also the first time that he told her to get a restraining order against me because it was the only way to get me to leave. I have a witness to testify that he heard her tell me a few days before she had me locked up for assault that the next time I showed up she would "call the cops, tell them that I hit her and have my ass thrown in jail". I have a ton of character witnesses that will testify that if there was a violent one in the relationship, it was her.

Heres what she has: She has a torn shirt, and a police report. the arresting officer said that she had a red mark somewhere on her but he didnt say where.

I tried to present my case to the District Attourneys office but I was told that I cant discuss the case without a lawyer unless I waive my right to a lawyer. I dont know what to do.

Any advice???

Confused

Dear Confused,

One key thing that you left out is what exactly you need a lawyer for. Is it for the divorce from your soon to be ex-wife or is it for the assault charge? I am guessing for the DV. You should make things like this clear. Anyway, it sounds to me like you are pretty screwed. By the way that you tell your side of the story (derogatory comments about her and her new man, mentioning a step son, listing out what you have and what she has and so on) you seem as if there is something that you are either leaving out or covering up. I don’t doubt the text messages and whatnot but you are the one who went to her place. Here is a little tip that a cop friend of mine told me, anytime there is a DV call, someone is going to jail. That means you stupid.

Here is what I would advise you to do, take the court appointed lawyer because you are going to need all of the help that you can get. Oh and ask the judge if you can bring lube into the jail when they lock you up, you’re probably going to want that.

Thanks,

Sweezey

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Anyone where CONTACT LENSES if so could you help me here?? (My first time...)

Dear Sweezey,

Ok, well Im needing to get GLASSES bad as to I am blind as a bat lol. My question is, where is the best place to go get an EXAM, AND GET CONTACT LENSES that are affordable and good? But here is the thing, I know you have your DAILIES, WEEKS, THROW AWAYS ETC, BUT WTF DO I CHOOSE?? AND HOW DO I DO IT?

I want ones that I can get like six months, hell even up to a year at a time, but Id be grateful for SIX MONTHS at a time! Also, how much do they usually cost? I was wanting to get colored ones too. Im just trying to weigh my options as to where to go.

And YES, I CAN AFFORD EVERYTHING!!!

Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I am going to go easy on you for the spelling and grammar on this one. But after reading your letter my best advice to you would be to go to A FUCKING OPTOMETRIST! Just an idea.

I swear I am starting to worry about you people. Do you all live under powerlines? Does your microwave have a door that actually closes? Eat a lot of paint chips or someting?

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Question for women

Dear Sweezey,

I know that this may sound dumb but, I recently caught my wife cheating on me. I walked in and caught her bent over the couch. We had never done this before and my question is do women like to be bent over and fucked? I always thought that it would be uncomfortable.

- Big D

Dear Big D,

You catch your wife cheating and that’s your question? Seriously? You didn’t ask about a good divorce lawyer or if you might catch something from her, who should move out or any of that stuff? You didn’t even ask if you would have gone to jail if you shot him. You got one messed up relationship dude.

At least now you know why the couch smells like that.

As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice, questions or concerns of any kind at DearSweezey@gmail.com.

- Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - The Whole Plunging Neckline on a XXXL Spaghetti Strap Tank Top Thing?

Dear Sweezey,

On Monday I was returning to Florida from Chicago. I am at the airport. It is 35 degrees outside and 3 inches of snow in April. It is windy and cold.

I am looking at a very overweight hispanic girl, maybe in her mid-twenties with a black tank top on. She has her hair done up like pom-poms on the top of her head. Her black jeans are way too tight and her waistband is folded over, under her gut. This is a very tight tank top. With a very plunging neckline. This very tight tank top has spaghetti straps. All I see is sweaty, untanned flesh and an amazingly large gap where the cleavage should be. Her boobs are spread apart and sagging, unsupported, braless and resting upon her rolls. I cannot quite distinguish where her boobs and her rolls are supposed to be separated. They are all flabby and resting upon themselves.

The fact she's out like this in 35 degrees is one thing, but out in public dressed like this is another. All this in itself is a little curious.

But she also has a pink bra strap sticking out off her shoulder, like, perpindicular to her arm. Obviously not supporting anything that should have been supported since she was eight years old. "Gross," I said out loud to nobody listening, "At least go fix that strap."

My plane is delayed and for an hour, and the heifer in the black tank top does not fix her bra strap. She doesn't fix her bra strap!

We board the plane and lo' n' behold guess who is on my flight and guess who cannot walk down the aisle without turning sideways? She is so big, she cannot walk straight down the aisle. With her tight ol' black tank top and plunging neckline she is whacking the sides of the poor people in the aisleway...

I can only say that I am glad I did not have an aisle seat. What if I didn't see her coming, and my mouth was open? All I saw were aisle-seated-men with grimaces on their faces as they dodged the oncoming blubber of flesh and boobage.

!WITH THE PINK STRAP STILL STICKING OUT HALFWAY DOWN HER ARM!

Please help me understand why a woman would do this?!

Living on the beach, I've begun to wonder why bikini manufacturers would actually market a flesh colored bikini in a size 14 or larger.

This just reinforces my confusion. Please help me. Gawd, I hope she's not related you.

This isn't something I can blog about on my blog because I only have a readership of 3 and one is my sister and one is my mom. Thanks for following me. It's nice to have someone to turn to.

Sincerely,

Thedadmandiaries

Dear Thedadmandiaries,

Sorry that I am late responding to this, every time I read the description I kept throwing up.

Did you read my post on MILFs? That is exactly what I am talking about. What has happened is that someone, even harder up than she is, told Senioretta Sasquach that she was either hot, sexy, fine, beautiful or whatever and she believed them.

And real quick, hell no she isn’t related to me.

Had to clear that up real quick. Now back to your questions, when you visibly can’t tell where the tits end and the gut begins it is obvious that there is a sever lack of self respect. Anyone who doesn’t respect themselves always has an attitude/perception problem with the rest of society. And if they don’t respect themselves they are not going to respect your senses, vision or any others. $100 says she was loud and smelled too. Plus she probably thought that the bra strap, low neck line and painted on jeans were “sexy”. And she thinks so because at least once in her past someone was nice to her and told her that she was sexy.

I firmly believe that it’s these hard up little F’ers who are fully to blame for this. They feed (pun intended) this nasty women what they want to hear and then these half tons of fun start to believe it. I know these dudes want to get laid but people in hell want ice water too. If these dudes would stay out of the chat rooms and gaming message boards and join the rest of normal society the world would be a better place. You see it is circular. Poindexter is on a mission to have sex at least once before he dies that he will tell any woman anything that she wants to her so that she will give him some. And desperation breeds persistency and changes your perception. Sort of like if you were starving a steak from the waffle house would taste fantastic, but if you were just a little hungry it would make you want to barf. Get what I mean? So here the geeks feed the freaks ego enough to cause the freaks to believe what the geeks tell them. If someone told you that you were the best at something and they told you over and over again, you would start to believe them. Look at professional athletes and the egos that they have. Same thing with Mount St Saggy. So now she thinks that she is hot and that she has to have hot girl attitude. A la the bra strap. She was teasing you with her sexiness.

Now onto the flesh colored bikini. It’s simple actually, the bikini makers know that they can charge a premium for the plus size bikini version of a normal bikini and they will get it too. It amazes me how backwards socity is, it is like pulling hens teeth to get the women you want to see nude out of their clothes and you can’t keep the ones you don’t want to see covered up enough.

I fully believe that there should be an exam for lots of things and clothing is one of them. Take bras for example, if you have to pour yourself or perform some sort of coordinated crane dance to get a bra on you should not be allowed to own, wear or borrow a sexy bra or a push up bra. If there is enough of an altitude change that your boobs experience a climate change, sorry no sexy undies for you! Its granny panties and those lunch lady bras from the Sears catalog. And you damn sure better not have a belly button ring!

Same goes for low cut tops, tight pants, and thongs. You should at least have to fill out some sort of form that has to be approved.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Question about divorce, and kids

Dear Sweezey,

The courts seem to give custody of the kids to the woman most of the time, with the view, that they will be better suited with the mother.
If this is true, why do we have so many screwed up kids over the years?
I mean really, since divorce has become the norm in this country, along with mothers getting the kids, we sure have had alot of bad kids in this country.

- Decisions from the courts

Dear Decisions from the courts,

Ok numb nuts, the courts give custody to the parent who seems to be best suited to take care of the children on a daily basis. The reason the courts seem to side with the mother is because most of you dads are shit heads and aren’t man enough to take care of yourself much less dependent children. You see these children are, as you say, screwed up because of dildos like you. Why don’t you man up and be responsible for your actions? Woah, crazy thought huh. Yeah, why don’t you put away guitar hero and spend time with your children? It’s real easy to blame the mom when you are looking for a reason to blame on why your kids are shitheads as opposed to actually trying to do something about it. Yeah, F it, take the easy road. Isn’t that what your dad taught you?

I got $100 that says you got some guido over styled/gelled hair do and some oversized designer shades and a closet full of Armani Exchange t-shirts. Am I wrong? And after you get divorced I bet you will have an apartment in the coolest part of town, with your leased Mercedes in the parking lot. Once you conceive a child, the adult thing to do is to focus on doing everything in your power to take care of that child in every way possible, NOT to figure out a way to spend more time with your boys so that you don’t have to be bothered by being an adult. Moms aren’t men so they can’t always be both the female and the male role model is a child’s life. The children need to know that their dad is there and that he is worth a damn. If I was ever to get divorced, I would fight tooth and nail for my children and my wife is a great mom. And the mom doesn’t always get the children dipshit. I have a very good friend who has custody of his boys and he takes very good care of them. He even stepped up and is raising one of his ex-wife’s boys who isn’t his. Why? Because it’s what a real man does.

I suggest that you find a way to pull your head out, drop those losers that you hang out with and go find a real man to model yourself after. Go find out where your local cub scouts meet and try to make friends with the scout leader. Trust me EVERYONE will come out better in the long run.

Believe me it’s not the moms who are screwing up children it’s the dads. There are very few single mothers that I have even seen, much less known who have not busted their ass to do everything they can to raises their children the right way. And for the most part, they don’t say anything.

So quiet being a pussy boy and grow a pair.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Why chivalry is dead

Dear Sweezey,

So this woman in a store is frantic because she lost her billfold, so I went to find the manger while she continued to look around. It had been turned in up front and I pointed her out to the manager. No big deal. I only took a moment out of my day to do the right thing and without me she would have gotten it back anyway. But then she brushed right past me without a word, then later nearly ran me over in the parking lot. So she was in a hurry. Aren't we all? I have no sense of entitlement, but geeze, not even a thank you. The luxury sports car with vanity plates and the fact that her ass is as wide as my kitchen table may be an indication of what she is, hmm?

- Paula


Dear Paula,

Chivalry is defined as the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms.

And you say that you “have no sense of entitlement”. Entitlement is defined as the act of entitling. To save you some time, entitling means to give (a person or thing) a title, right, or claim to something; furnish with grounds for laying claim.

Now you claim that you have no sense of entitlement yet you felt compelled to write and bitch about some other dame not bowing down to kiss your ass when even you yourself said that she would have gotten her billfold back anyway. And then you go on to belittle this woman. What a bitch.

Even think that maybe she was “frantic” because she had been looking for her billfold for so long that it made her late to pick up her 9 year old son from soccer practice and that there would be no one there to stay with her son and that the little boy and that there was a child molesting maniac who likes to hang out by the soccer fields? Yeah, how dare she want to keep that poor 9 year old little boy safe and sound instead of bending over backwards to tell you what a fantastic person you are for doing next to nothing.

So tell me what does a luxury sports car, vanity plates and as you say an ass as wide as your kitchen table indicate? It sounds to me like it indicates that she has some money. Is that what pisses you off? That her life is good and that yours sucks and that you are pissed off because of all of the bad choices you have and continue to make? Since I am a gambling man, I am willing to bet that she is MUCH more attractive than you are and that is the reason that you feel the need to lash out and the only think you can, her ass. And I will double up my bet that the only person who thinks that she almost ran you over in the parking lot is you.

You need meds, seriously, you know happy pills.

So if chivalry is dead you are an accomplice to murder.

- Sweezey

Email for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey Prostitution/Dating

Dear Sweezey,

I see a Women I think she is sexy,attractive etc: as a single man I ask her out knowing I want to have Sex with her 7 she knows she wants the same. So we go to dinner,movies etc: I might spend hundreds of dollars before we have sex & I might not all women are different in that way but they to want the sex...............................I see a Pic & info on a web site of a attractive sexy women up front I know for $100 I can have sex immediatly is there really that much difference ...........between the women I have to spend money on or the women I just give it to! Just a thought??

- Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

The difference is that the hookers you are looking at online will do anyone or anything with the cash. And the girls who you take to dinner and so on won’t have sex with a illiterate moron like yourself in fear that one of your retarded super sperm actually reaching their egg.

I hope that they talk you into taking them to the best places in town and that they are some how able to keep stringing you along long enough to spend every penny you have on them.

Maybe if you took the time and effort that you are spending on trying to get laid and focused it on making a better person out of yourself your luck might change. Apparently you are not graced with rugged good lucks or personality, at all, in the very least.

Try letting the big head do the thinking for a while, we got more than enough idiots in this world already.

- Sweezey

Email me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - My standards must be SO high

Dear Sweezey,

Maybe tabloid media has skewed my reality, but some of these guys who think they are hot... just aren't. I can't believe some of you. Granted I see no problem with a couple extra pounds from too many nights out with the fellas drinking beer, but anything more than 10-15 pounds overweight there is just no excuse for unless it's something glandular.
I know I'm gonna get a lot of hate responses to this but seriously fellas... Put some effort into your appearance, get to the gym a couple days a week, actually look to see if the clothes you put on your back look well put-together or not, do something with your hair, & maintain good hygiene PLEASE!

Some of you look like you haven't done anything in weeks but play Halo and mainline big macs, yet you expect women who are attractive and take care of themselves to wanna hit it? Think again, Pal!

If you want a female that is on my level looks-wise, then you gotta be on my level looks wise too.

And spare me the reply rants of how narcissistic I am to judge based on looks. I don't think it's too much to ask with all the people in the world out there that a guy I take interest in be both stellar looks wise and personality wise.

- Seriously

Dear Thinks Entirely Way Too Much of Herself, I mean Seriously,

First off, you’re an idiot. Why did you e-mail me? Nowhere in your diatribe of bitterness did you ask for advice on anything. Is it that you just want to bitch because you are so unhappy with yourself and your life?

You lost all credibility when you said “tabloid media”. You Britney Spears loving, sweating what Paris Hilton is doing, Lindsey Lohan following twit I noticed that you failed to include a photo of yourself so that the world could be enlightened with by your beauty. I got a feeling that you look like what a vulture threw up.

So you are ok with 10 - 15 pounds? Why not 16 pounds? For some reason that’s just gross? How many extra tons are you hauling around in those Venezia jeans? Did you set 10 - 15 pounds as an acceptable amount because you have convinced yourself that you can get down to 10 - 15 pounds overweight with no problems?

Moving on, when you are not busy butchering modern grammar and English using words like “wanna” and “gotta” as opposed to “want to” and “got to” what are you doing to know what guys who play Halo and mainline Big Macs look like? Ever hear the phrase that you can smell your own kind? *sniff sniff*

The funny thing is you come off as wanting a man who is so built and handsome and perfect in everyway. But we all know that you would be on your knees polishing the most grotesquely fat/ugly man’s knob if he had enough in the bank. And you would do it with a big smile on your face. And you would go from being a bitch to being a whore, either way it suits you.

You see the guys who are hitting on you are on your level, but it’s your social level. So if you want guys who are on your levels looks-wise as you say, why don’t you move up levels tact-wise? Trust me you have lots of room for movement. A little decorum goes a long way.

Oh and I don’t think that you are narcissistic, I think that you are a dumb ass. Remember, bitch only comes in one flavor and it’s you. Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - I want to sell my kidneys!!!!

Dear Sweezey,

I want to sell my kidneys. Can I get money for one of my kidneys?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’ll give you a dollar for one or $20 for the set, but only if you take them out yourself.

- Sweezey

E-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweeezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - hmmmm..

Dear Sweezey,

How is it that you can give a 16 paragraph dissertation on Dora the Explorer and a 2 sentence answer to the poor "porn" girl.....?

Just Curious!

Dear Just Curious!

There are many many reasons. You see "porn" girl never really asked me a question so I was trying to help her out as best I could with the limited information that I had. How was I to give specific answers to a general statement? I would have to examine every single piece of it. Might even have to bring some of it back to examine it more closely, it is my reputation that is on the line here.

And to really help, I would have to better know what he was looking at. I mean she did say that she was pretty, I have to verify this. What if she is oblivious to the fact that she looks like hell on toast? That would explain it all right there. Or what if he was looking at shit like midgets? That would mean that he is a freaky little fucker and she's not weird enough for him. You see it could be something on either side of the relationship. She might look like a troll’s turd or he might really be into some fetish stuff. Who knows?

Oh and even if you count the "Don't get dead" tag line as a paragraph it's only a 13 paragraph dissertation smart ass. Learn to count. But keep those e-mails coming!

- Sweezey

Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - Porn

Dear Sweezey,

my boyfriend of 4 years gets high and spends several hours a week looking at nude pics of women and porn...and he has a massive collection of pics and videos from the internet...i'm a pretty woman and we have a great sex life... it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like i can never measure up.


curious cindy


Dear Curious Cindy,

You say he has a massive collection huh... hmm, not sure that I can help without examining his collection. I may have to come over and examine it to be able to properly advise you.

- Sweezey


Feel free to email me at dearsweezey@gmail.com for advice on anything.

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - No Loving

Dear Sweezey,

My wife of 20 years tells me she no longer has any interest in sex, but that she will "do it" occasionally to meet my needs.

Before that, sex has gone from several times a week to about once a month... not my choice, but daily headaches, backaches, just b4 bed arguments, etc., are becoming the norm

What am I to do with this new information???

- Lost Love

Dear Lost Love,

You said it all when you said you’re married. Deal with it bro.

And you are a grown man, stop this b4 bullshit. Spell it out. Come on, you can do it!

- Sweezey

Don't get dead

Dear Sweezey - Need help with a guy

Dear Sweezey,

I have been sort of seeing this guy who for a while, but nothing to serious yet. He is great and seems to have his head on his shoulders. I am always going to him for advice and asking all sorts of questions and he never gets flustered with me. But one thing that is odd to me is every time I tell him that he is nice for helping me or say that he is sweet, he always replies to me with “Nah, I am an asshole :)” or something like that. Why won’t he let me compliment him? I know he is nice and has a heart of gold, but he never takes compliments. Is this a bad sign?

Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering Woman (oh god),

How dense are you? I mean seriously. While he may be saying it with a nice face on, he is telling you the truth, he’s an asshole. He is giving you warning that one day he is going to lower the boom on your ass like Hiroshima! And it wont be pretty. Yeah, one day he is going to have enough of your stupid ass questions and going to tell you what an idiot you are and all kinds of other things that you aren’t going to want to hear. Ever hear someone say that the writing is on the wall? Well when he is telling you that he is an asshole, he just pulled out a sharpie and is using his best penmanship.

So leave the guy alone. Don’t you think he has better things to do than to solve all of your issues for you? That is unless you are giving him some, then you just bought yourself a little more time. But he will get tired of that too, unless you know how to work it. Then he will just talk about you to his friends until you break crazy on him.

Sweezey

As always you can e-mail me for advice on anything at DearSweezey@gmail.com

Don’t get dead

Guys rules for going to a club

Guys, this one is for you. With “Singles Awareness Day” or as some call it “Valentines Day” being tomorrow I thought that I would share with you some rules to help you find that lovely lady.

First off, women don’t want to be with some push over smuck. So be confident. Nice is for pussies, be a man. Jesus son, grow a pair! So if you ask a chick to dance and she brushes you off, tell her that you didn’t ask her for head just to dance and that she shouldn’t be such a cunt and to lighten up. They love that, drives them crazy.

Another thing that would help you is if you are so inclined to actually “dance” (god help you) remember these few rules for being a man while dancing (shiver).
• NEVER let your arms get above your shoulders. What are you some kind of queen? You’re not bringing sexy back if you look like it’s raining men, get it?
• Don’t ever ever ever ever ever sing along with the song. I don’t care how great of a song it is, never sing along with it.
• For the love of everything holy, don’t do the running man, the lawnmower, the sprinkler or the shaking dice thing. You only make yourself look like a bigger goober.
• Remember that dames think of dancing like vertical sex, so turn her around, bend her over at the waist and pound away!
• Never dance to more than one song at a time. Trust me, if you are a guy, you don’t dance well. Don’t make a huge ass out of yourself. And if you do actually have decent moves, leave them wanting more.
• No fucking techno, EVER!

Let’s move along to drinking. Beer is fine but is gives off a certain financial limit vibe. Drink mixed drinks. And not some fruity crap either. No drinks with umbrellas or fruit in them. What are you, Fabio? And for the sake of men everywhere, no bright colored drinks! Ever! Drinks should be dark in color. Come on you pansy, man up! And another thing, don’t drink out of a fucking staw, you are not in kindergarten. You got fuzz on your peaches right? Show it!

Make sure that you don’t dress like a dildo too. You’re going to a club to try to get laid, not an interview. No starch in anything you are wearing. And more than two buttons (starting at the very top of your shirt) unbuttoned is completely unacceptable. Come on dude, not t-shirts or anything with a hole in it. And don’t wear sneakers or tennis shoes, if you don’t have normal shoes you are not ready for a woman anyway. Wear a belt but don’t clip ANYTHING to it. And make sure that the belt and the shoes match. And no loud colors! Ever! If you are so inclined as to wear cologne pay very important attention to this part, JUST A FUCKING LITTLE BIT OF IT. Don’t bath in the shit. Let me give you some help here, go to the mall and look at the price tags of the colognes in the case. Find one that is more than you would pay for a bottle of cologne and find that tester bottle. Two sprays of it, no more. And if your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel, well you are on your own, I can’t help you. Oh and no sunglasses. The more accessories that you have, the more you look … well just sad. Drawing attention to yourself = got nothing going for yourself.

Talking to chicks is crucial. Keep saying this handy little phrase to yourself “shut the fuck up”. And remember it. If you are talking, you are fucking up. Well if you are talking too much. Talking to women is sort of a moving target. Too little talking and you look like the guy who jerks off to Disney movies. Too much talking and you look like the guy who lives with his mom. Work on it, but never ever practice in a mirror. Two sentences at the most and no more than say eight words in a sentence. You want to look smooth, not spastic.

Just trying to help.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - Need a room for a night

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know of a place in the DFW area where one can rent a room for a tryst?

- Secret Lover

Dear Secret,

You are an idiot aren’t you? You want to know if I know of a place that you can rent a room to go bang some skank? Try a hotel moron. There are only about 10 thousand of them in the area. I hear there is a really nice one down off of I-35, it is called the Lou Sterrett Justice Center. When you check in you get these really cool orange coveralls and every guest gets a portrait taken!

- Sweezey

As always feel free to e-mail for advice on ANYTHING at DearSweezey@gmail.com.


Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey - What does one do?

Dear Sweezey,

I cant stand my wife. All she does is think about herself, her well being, or does things to make herself look good and she doesnt care at what cost. She fucks over her friends and family all the time and know one will say anything to her because it seems most people she knows are afraid of her. I want to leave but am also afraid. Mostly because I'm not sure what she would do, too me. She is so two faced and believed. I hate it. Thinking of leaving my wife which is much easier said then done. What does one do?

Scared Spouse



Dear Scared Spouse,

Let me get this straight, you got a woman who cares about herself and what she looks like, not some slob who doesn’t do shit, and you want to leave her? Yeah, you should go right ahead and do that.

Maybe she is just tired of being with some idiot who doesn’t know the difference between “know” and “no” and apparently doesn’t believe in using punctuation either.

Here is a crazy idea, why don’t you start to better yourself and maybe, just maybe she will quit banging the pizza delivery guy. At least he has personality going for him.

Get off the internet, read a book, wash your ass, do something!

- Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Cat Turds

Dear Sweezey,

My dog (who is no longer allowed to lick me) thinks the cat box is Furr's Cafeteria. Short of shooting the dog do you have any suggestions how to stop this crappy behavior.

Thanks,

Cat Box City



Dear Cat Box City,

Ok genius, maybe if you worked more on having common sense and less on your puns you could have figured this one out on your own.

Why don’t you just move the litter box to a place where the cat can get to it but the dog can’t?

You’re a bright one aren’t you.

Thanks,

Sweezey

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Pool Repair Question

Dear Sweezey,

Do you know about how much it costs to have a pool re plastered? Mine is about 5 years old and need some TLC. I noticed a small crack about 3 feet long in it over the weekend.

Any good connections for a quality affordable contact?

Can it be done in winter?

Thanks,

Pool Guy



Dear Pool Guy,

Are you retarded or something? You booted up your computer, logged into your e-mail, e-mailed me your question and are sitting by your computer waiting with bated breath, feverishly hitting refresh on your e-mail waiting for my response instead of using a search engine to find someone who does pool repair in your area and already have an answer.

Pool repair is very expensive, but you can do it yourself! And yes it can be done in the winter. What you want to do is make sure that your pool is full of water and then you want to get a bag of plaster of Paris. Go ahead and jump into your pool and start to smear the plaster of Paris all over the crack in the pool, make sure that you cover it really well.

Now here is the key, you want to stay in the water until the plaster dries, if it starts to peel or come off, keep applying more plaster. That way when you die from stupidity/pneumonia the next home buyer will get a great deal.

Please God don’t breed,

Sweezey


Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – Can you please tell me

a good place for someone who is bipolar to work at that isn't Starbucks and doesn't involve the cleaning of piss, puke, or shit?

Preferably a place with no drug screening, good health insurance, and still isn't Starbucks.

Seriously it would be even better if only really ugly people inside or out worked and/or shopped there (to avoid romantic entanglements) and hopefully where a good sense of humor is NOT appreciated

Thank you,

Chris

Dear Chris,

I hear the government is hiring. Not sure that will be the best job to help avoid romantic entanglements but you win some and you loose some.

- Sweezey


As always, feel free to e-mail me for advice on anything at dearsweezey@gmail.com.

Don’t get dead

Dear Sweezey – I need help

Dear Sweezey,

Why can't he just tell me he likes me? Or tell me to fuck off. One of the two. I don't understand why he's playing with me like that. Why would you do that? If he would just tell me how he feels, just once. I can stay...or move on.

Confused

Dear Confused,

Maybe he “don’t think of you in that way” like the BS that women tell men all the time. Maybe he “just likes you as a friend”. Maybe he “isn’t ready to get involved with someone right now”. Maybe he “just got out of a bad relationship”. Maybe the tide has turned and a guy is giving a girl some of their own medicine!

Or maybe he is just using you to get laid, how the hell am I supposed to know?

- Sweezey


Don’t get dead